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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: How to make small talk at an event
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Ramarius
Shipmate
# 16551
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Posted
Here's some tips . Do you have any stock questions you use to help you work a room?
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Posts: 950 | From: Virtually anywhere | Registered: Jul 2011
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
No, and those are incredibly boring questions.
If I am really stuck I would go with read any good books lately (or seen movies etc). So you have content to talk about rather than diving into the deep and meaningful, which tends to scare people off.
But Ramarius perhaps you could expand your OP so we have more to talk about.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I'm crap at small talk, can't do it at all. The problem is that I then over compensate and get all exciteable and talk random nonsense. The people I know expect this but new people find it all a bit odd. But then I don't like new people.
If I have to make small talk with a woman I look at her shoes - shoes are always a good topic of conversation particularly if they're in any way interesting.
The other thing I do is say something ridiculous very loudly in the hope it breaks the ice and other people join in. If it doesn't work I go and hide in the loo for the rest of the event.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
"What’s your connection to the event?"
I'm here to serve the sandwiches. We have cheese, egg, smoked salmon and some sort of unidentifiable meat. Would you like one? Are you sure?
"What’s keeping you busy when you’re not at events like this or at work?"
A large dog called Bonzo. He's incredibly destructive of the furniture if he doesn't get enough exercise, so I have to take him for a five mile run every night and wear him out. Believe me, you don't want to be bounced on in the morning by Bonzo.
"Are you getting away this summer?"
No.
"Are you working on any charity initiatives?"
Er, no, why?
"How did you come to be in your line of work?"
Ever since I was a child I've always had this thing about sandwiches. It started when I was six years old and made my first crisp butty, then as time progressed I got into baked-bean sandwiches and by the time I was a teenager I would regularly make cheese and pickle. Since then I've applied several times to be a contestant on Masterchef, with my signature sandwich of aged Greek goat's cheese and Japanese Mizuna lettuce on sundried tomato and spinach plaited bread, but so far I haven't got in. Are you sure you wouldn't like one of these egg ones? I can cut the crust off if that helps.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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hilaryg
Shipmate
# 11690
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Posted
I aim a smile and a comment along the lines of "I feel so awkward at these things" at someone looking like I feel. It usually breaks the ice. It's then relatively easy to progress to introductions and being British chatting about the weather or the journey/transport to the event will cover enough time before you have to move on.
Posts: 261 | From: back home in England | Registered: Jul 2006
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
It helps if the person is wearing a tie; walk up to them, take hold of the tie in your hand, comment on how very much you like it, then drop it directly into their cup of coffee. That should spark some conversation!
Or ask boring things such as,
"Did you grow up in this city?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"Do you enjoy oral sex?"
etc.
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
Or you could ask,
"Did you catch that amazing sunset over the lake tonight?"
"Have you been following the New York Yankees this month?"
"Is that an IPhone you were just using? Do you like it better than a Blackberry?"
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Loquacious beachcomber:
It helps if the person is wearing a tie...
And it's downhill from there.
Loquacious beachcomber, play nice.
jedijudy
Heavenly Host giving L b the 'Mom Look'
Seriously.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
There is no such thing as small talk imo. It's all conversation.
You are either interested in other people or you are not.
If you are then you'll have endless questions to ask them.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
"Hi, my name is . This seems like a nice (name of whatever)."
If the person feels like talking with you, the person will. If the person doesn't, the person won't. Life will go on either way.
Trying to start a conversation with a contrived line is the easiest way I know to come off sounding nervous, fake, or like an idiot.
Talk about the event you are at. Complement the person about something: smile, tie, dress, shoes, etc. Ask them what they liked the most, or least.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Sorry Ramarius, that article seems full of the BS, size people up to see if they are worth networking with rubbish.
I hate those parties, but they aren't difficult as you know the general motivations.
Real, friendly parties are more difficult. I start with " Hello, I am lilBuddha*" along with a friendly smile.
Ask their connection to the host, talk about the food, the music, whatever. I start with the inconsequential as it is unlikely to kill a conversation immediately. Sometimes works, sometimes not.
* real name usually used.
ETA: get out of my head, Tortuf! Especially when you say my thought better than I do.
[ 25. August 2012, 16:51: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Ramarius
Shipmate
# 16551
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Posted
@LilBuddah: looks like you've come up with another great conversation starter "What's the daftest article you've read recently?"
Posts: 950 | From: Virtually anywhere | Registered: Jul 2011
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drnick
Shipmate
# 16065
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Posted
The question 'what's your favourite cheese?' never fails to get a conversation going. Everybody has an opinion on cheese - they will either go into a rhapsody about ones they like ("well, I do enjoy a nice pungent roquefort", tell you about ones they hate ("bloody halloumi, call that a cheese, it doesn't even melt"), or tell you they are lactose intolerant and can't eat it at all. Everybody wins.
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"Christians like you are why God invented lions" Pagan Wanderer Lu.
Posts: 58 | From: Manchester, UK | Registered: Dec 2010
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
No. Small talk is there as a way to avoid real conversation with people one is not interested in.
No, it's a way of breaking the ice and establishing whether there is any basis for deeper conversation, common interest, compatibility, etc. It's not considered the done thing to plunge into deep and meaningful topics with a complete stranger, and politeness and social conventions being what they are, you might not get genuine responses anyway at that stage as people don't want to be seen to be disagreeable if they don't agree with you.
How do you know there's no potential for finding them interesting, anyway, if you don't know anything about them?
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
You can go from 0 to 60 quite quickly. On the bus the other week, between Forrest Rd and Mayfield Kirk, went from sympathetic noise at difficulty of getting large canvas on bus, to learning woman's major life events as they bore on her struggles to be an artist plus reciprocating with a few of my own, to agreement on the necessity of continuing creativity as the validation of existence in the face of mortality, parting with the mutual encouragement of shared experience, never, I dare say, to meet again. Not bad for 10 minutes.
There is no 'small' talk, only small views of other people.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
I love parties and I rarely have a problem feeling shy or awkward, but if I see someone else who seems to be standing alone looking miserable (or standing alone looking handsome) I'll usually sidle up to them and say something inane like, "Have you tried Ariel's crisp butty? It's to die for!" That's usually all it takes to get things started, well, unless you're at a stuffy party in England and the person looks horrified and says, "And you are?" I hate that
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Eleanor Jane
Shipmate
# 13102
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Posted
Somehow I'm brilliant at small talk but I don't much enjoy it in a work context 'cos it's generally with folks 30 years older than me who I wouldn't chose to spend time with.
I think of small talk as basic politeness. If you're stuck sitting beside someone at an event or manning a stall together or whatever then to sit there in silence would usually be awkward.
I don't mind small talk in a social context 'cos it's how you get to big talk... as mentioned above, it's how you start to find out about people, let them find out a bit about you and see whether you could be friends.
Posts: 556 | From: Now in the UK! | Registered: Oct 2007
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
No, it's a way of breaking the ice and establishing whether there is any basis for deeper conversation, common interest, compatibility, etc. It's not considered the done thing to plunge into deep and meaningful topics with a complete stranger, and politeness and social conventions being what they are, you might not get genuine responses anyway
Well, my rule of thumb at my dinner parties is this: Convention is not to talk politics, sex or religion. But my take, those subjects are the only ones I am interested in.
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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justlooking
Shipmate
# 12079
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Well, my rule of thumb at my dinner parties is this: Convention is not to talk politics, sex or religion. But my take, those subjects are the only ones I am interested in.
I think the idea is to find out what other people are interested in.
Posts: 2319 | From: thither and yon | Registered: Nov 2006
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by justlooking:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Well, my rule of thumb at my dinner parties is this: Convention is not to talk politics, sex or religion. But my take, those subjects are the only ones I am interested in.
I think the idea is to find out what other people are interested in.
Why talk to people who don't share any interests?
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
Well, leo, because the OP is asking for suggestions doing that very thing! I think most of us have some things we don't like to do, and choose not to when it's discretionary. But that's not what this is about!
Personally, I have severe Foot in Mouth disease. When I have to be at functions where I don't really know anyone, I tend to keep my mouth shut and listen. If I do ask a question, especially if there is another quiet person like me, it is usually to inquire if they are from here (as this is a vacation spot.) That will frequently get a conversation going.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
"Have you tried Ariel's crisp butty? It's to die for!" That's usually all it takes to get things started, well, unless you're at a stuffy party in England and the person looks horrified and says, "And you are?" I hate that
The Queen of Bashan is the master of small talk. I use her as a crutch at parties. One of her tricks is to encourage people to try whatever she brought to the party. It sounds presumptuous, but it works.
Her other trick is complementing another woman for something that she did with her appearance- hair, jewelry, shoes, dress, etc. In general, she believes that women appreciate having a girlfriend at the party, so if you talk to them on those terms, you will set them at ease. (It is particularly interesting to see that theory in action with the rector of our church, who has the tone of a wise sage, and who is consequently treated as such by most people. When the Q of B busts up and genuinely tells her that she likes her shoes, you can see that she appreciates the girl time.)
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Dal Segno
al Fine
# 14673
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Posted
Mrs DS has a long list of questions to draw people out, including such obvious ones as: "where are you from?", "what do you do?", "do you have any brothers or sisters?", "what do they do?". Basically, she tries to get people talking about the thing that they find most interesting: their own life.
Her questions have only backfired once in my many years of going to events with her. On this memorable equation, she was trying to engage with a new, young physics professor. "What do you do?" - "You wouldn't understand."(*) "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" - "My CV is online if you want to know about me." Fortunately he left the event shortly after this conversation-killing comment and, had he but known it, he had permanently blotted his copybook with everyone in our group.
-DS
(*) "If you can't explain your physics to a barmaid it is probably not very good physics" - Ernest Rutherford
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Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds
Posts: 1200 | From: Pacific's triple star | Registered: Mar 2009
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churchgeek
Have candles, will pray
# 5557
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by drnick:
The question 'what's your favourite cheese?' never fails to get a conversation going. Everybody has an opinion on cheese - they will either go into a rhapsody about ones they like ("well, I do enjoy a nice pungent roquefort", tell you about ones they hate ("bloody halloumi, call that a cheese, it doesn't even melt"), or tell you they are lactose intolerant and can't eat it at all. Everybody wins.
I'm allergic to cheese, but I get self-conscious saying things like that. There's still a stigma that associates lactose intolerance and allergies with people who are "nerdy," inept, socially awkward, etc. Which of course isn't true, but it's still a stereotype. I don't want people to think I'm about to launch into complaints about my physical ailments or anything!
That doesn't mean it's not a good question, just that the asker should be ready to change the conversation. That's true for any question, really. It helps with small talk or any conversation to try to read your interlocutor's comfort levels.
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I reserve the right to change my mind.
My article on the Virgin of Vladimir
Posts: 7773 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Article in OP looks pretty ropey to me. But I suppose its aimed at a very specific target market - middle-aged, middle-class Americans at a boring business do - that most of us aren't part of.
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Complement the person about something: smile, tie, dress, shoes, etc.
That's very culture-specific. In Britain it really only works between women - either from or to a man it sounds weird to most of us. And from a man to a woman if you aren't careful it will sound like a chat-up line.
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Why talk to people who don't share any interests?
I think that's one of the snootiest most egotistical things I've ever seen written here. Did you really mean it like it sounds?
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Latchkey Kid
Shipmate
# 12444
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Posted
This thread reminds me of Joni Mitchell's People's Parties
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'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.'
Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner
Posts: 2592 | From: The wizardest little town in Oz | Registered: Mar 2007
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by chive:
The other thing I do is say something ridiculous very loudly in the hope it breaks the ice and other people join in.
I was at an sf con in the Glasgow Central Hotel once, and sitting on my own at a table having a drink with some others also on their own (if that makes sense). No one was talking much. Then a man on the other side of the table said, very loudly, in a foreign accent, something like:
"This is a very interesting building. You could go up to the roof and jump off, or you could go doen to the platform and jump in front of a train! My name is Jussi! I am Finnish! We have no social skills!"
And of course we all started laughing and talking and it went on for hours.
And Jussi's comment on social skills was disproved by uttering it.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Why talk to people who don't share any interests?
I think that's one of the snootiest most egotistical things I've ever seen written here. Did you really mean it like it sounds?
I just don't do social events. i don't see the point of them, like most introverts. i prefer a small circle of friends with shared interests.
Otherwise, it is like work. My working day involved loads of people. We need time out. It is draining to fill it with yet more people unless there is a real reason for it. Talking about house prices isn't a compelling enough reason to get even more exhausted than one already is
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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kingsfold
Shipmate
# 1726
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Posted
quote:
posted by leo:
I just don't do social events. i don't see the point of them, like most introverts. i prefer a small circle of friends with shared interests.
As an introvert myself, I totally understand the need for time out and preference for the small circle of friends. Thing is, how do you find a small circle of friends with shared interests without having to do the social thing and making small talk? This is meant as a genuine question, not a snark, as it's something I've found difficult since I moved 400miles a few years ago.
Posts: 4473 | From: land of the wee midgie | Registered: Nov 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
You find these groups by looking out for adverts (if there are no informative notice boards, the library will often have information). I've learnt over the years that quiet places like libraries and churches often have information about the sort of quieter special interest groups that I like to join.
In larger groups, I find it too difficult to decide if people are really interested or if they are just being polite. So try to avoid these if possible.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by kingsfold:
quote:
posted by leo:
I just don't do social events. i don't see the point of them, like most introverts. i prefer a small circle of friends with shared interests.
As an introvert myself, I totally understand the need for time out and preference for the small circle of friends. Thing is, how do you find a small circle of friends with shared interests without having to do the social thing and making small talk? This is meant as a genuine question, not a snark, as it's something I've found difficult since I moved 400miles a few years ago.
Granted. Maybe that is why i have stayed in the same place for over 30 years.
My initial 'circle' came from the church i joined - I did not have to cook a Sunday lunch for about 2 months, such was the hospitality.
Then from colleagues who were new at the same time as me.
Then from the local Labour party.
Also from a group who held season tickets for the theatre.
It grew from there, really.
[ 29. August 2012, 16:21: Message edited by: leo ]
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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ExclamationMark
Shipmate
# 14715
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Posted
If you go with the attitude of "working a room ...." that's rather different from the encouragement of being able to learn new things from others.
Posts: 3845 | From: A new Jerusalem | Registered: Apr 2009
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
It would seem that I haven't explained my reasons sufficiently for extroverts so I will use the words of someone else who explains how I and most introverts feel quote:
To begin with, it is exactly the same every time. Anywhere. If you are engaging me in small talk, it means you are treating me in the precise same manner when you approach me as you did the last stranger you approached. And depending on the venue, I may have just seen you approach the person right before me and heard you ask the same asinine questions of them……..-It is irrelevant. If an introvert has decided to leave home and bring himself to a place full of people he doesn't know, chances are there was a very good reason for it. …….He'd like to get on with the specific reason he attended this function. …..Small talk is inauthentic. if they are honest even extroverts will admit that it is just a tool. That even they are not the least bit interested in how difficult it was for me to drive to this building, or if I ran into any traffic on the way. They know that they don't really care, and I certainly know they don't care. It is a rouse to start talking to someone new. But I would rather be approached cold with an authentic question, then be warmed up by the small talk. It's a waste of resources. Mindless small talk requires little brain power. Introverts spend most of their time thinking. Processing ideas. Finding themselves engaged in small talk slams on the brakes of their active brain. The subjects are so empty, there is no need to form an opinion and/or argument that they can then share with those around them. Like renting the biggest self-storage unit in the city and storing nothing in it but a roll of paper towels. It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It's a waste of resources…..It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
You can go from 0 to 60 quite quickly. On the bus the other week, between Forrest Rd and Mayfield Kirk, went from sympathetic noise at difficulty of getting large canvas on bus, to learning woman's major life events as they bore on her struggles to be an artist plus reciprocating with a few of my own, to agreement on the necessity of continuing creativity as the validation of existence in the face of mortality, parting with the mutual encouragement of shared experience, never, I dare say, to meet again. Not bad for 10 minutes.
There is no 'small' talk, only small views of other people.
This is one of the best things I've read all week. Easily.
leo, what are you going to do if you outlive most of the members of your social circle or if you are separated from them as they or you are confined by immobility, disability or the general ravages of age?
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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(S)pike couchant
Shipmate
# 17199
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Posted
Because of my job, I have to move frequently, sometimes very great distances. If I were unwilling to engage in small talk, I would never meet anybody, and all of my friends would be people I knew in school or university, which — given that these people are spread over multiple countries on four or five continents — would mean that all of my friendships would be mostly online. That doesn't sound very agreeable. So, while I may not always enjoy talking about the weather, I accept it as a fact of life. It's better than being alone all the time.
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'Still the towers of Trebizond, the fabled city, shimmer on the far horizon, gated and walled' but Bize her yer Trabzon.
Posts: 308 | From: West of Eden, East of England | Registered: Jul 2012
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
You can go from 0 to 60 quite quickly. On the bus the other week, between Forrest Rd and Mayfield Kirk, went from sympathetic noise at difficulty of getting large canvas on bus, to learning woman's major life events as they bore on her struggles to be an artist plus reciprocating with a few of my own, to agreement on the necessity of continuing creativity as the validation of existence in the face of mortality, parting with the mutual encouragement of shared experience, never, I dare say, to meet again. Not bad for 10 minutes.
There is no 'small' talk, only small views of other people.
This is one of the best things I've read all week. Easily.
leo, what are you going to do if you outlive most of the members of your social circle or if you are separated from them as they or you are confined by immobility, disability or the general ravages of age?
That is the fear nearly everyone has, especially those of us with no family.
If I could afford it, which I can't, I'd love to live in the anglo-catholic 'retirement village' aka nursing home which is part of my 'ministry' because the people are mostly the sort i get on with well and who probably minister more to me than I to them.
I have observed that introverts need even less people than hitherto when infirmity shuts them away. They cope with several days without seeing anyone (that is what they say and i know some of them well enough to know whether they are telling the truth or not - it seems to be a maturity which I wouldn't dare to think i could ever reach.
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
I am still honestly puzzled by how leo - or anyone - can come by a select coterie of close friends without having, at some point, begun a trivial conversation with them.
How do you know what the outcome will be? Sometimes you have an instant and vivid connection, but circumstances dictate that you never meet again*. Mostly you find topics of common interest which sustain the relationship until circumstances change (no fault in that; it's what makes workplaces tolerable). Sometimes you seem to have no dramatic agreement, but over time you find that you have a history of shared experience and common perceptions and interests that add up to a friendship.
I can't conceive of ever stopping, of saying Right, that's it, I have my quota of friends. Once they die, that's it over. That's as much as to say I too have stopped living as of now.
*It may well be that is precisely the condition for such frankness.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
I like people. I like hearing what they have to say. Even if its about people I don't know or subjects I'm not interested in. I'm doing it now as I type this on my phone in the pub. Listening to conversation around me and occasionally joining in. Its life. Its knowledge. Its stuff and thingy. Its better than being on my own.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by chive:
The other thing I do is say something ridiculous very loudly in the hope it breaks the ice and other people join in.
I was at an sf con in the Glasgow Central Hotel once, and sitting on my own at a table having a drink with some others also on their own (if that makes sense). No one was talking much. Then a man on the other side of the table said, very loudly, in a foreign accent, something like:
"This is a very interesting building. You could go up to the roof and jump off, or you could go doen to the platform and jump in front of a train! My name is Jussi! I am Finnish! We have no social skills!"
And of course we all started laughing and talking and it went on for hours.
And Jussi's comment on social skills was disproved by uttering it.
do you think Jussi will mind if I steal this? Including the name, and, I'm guessing, a Finnish accent?
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
It would seem that I haven't explained my reasons sufficiently for extroverts so I will use the words of someone else who explains how I and most introverts feel quote:
To begin with, it is exactly the same every time. Anywhere. If you are engaging me in small talk, it means you are treating me in the precise same manner when you approach me as you did the last stranger you approached. And depending on the venue, I may have just seen you approach the person right before me and heard you ask the same asinine questions of them……..-It is irrelevant. If an introvert has decided to leave home and bring himself to a place full of people he doesn't know, chances are there was a very good reason for it. …….He'd like to get on with the specific reason he attended this function. …..Small talk is inauthentic. if they are honest even extroverts will admit that it is just a tool. That even they are not the least bit interested in how difficult it was for me to drive to this building, or if I ran into any traffic on the way. They know that they don't really care, and I certainly know they don't care. It is a rouse to start talking to someone new. But I would rather be approached cold with an authentic question, then be warmed up by the small talk. It's a waste of resources. Mindless small talk requires little brain power. Introverts spend most of their time thinking. Processing ideas. Finding themselves engaged in small talk slams on the brakes of their active brain. The subjects are so empty, there is no need to form an opinion and/or argument that they can then share with those around them. Like renting the biggest self-storage unit in the city and storing nothing in it but a roll of paper towels. It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It's a waste of resources…..It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.
She/he reminds me of the old saying that bored people are boring.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Look, saying "Good morning" is inauthentic. It is about as devoid of creativity, new content, deep meaningful insights, or what have you, as you can get. And yet everybody not unbearably antisocial says it. Why? Because it is a pro-social ritual--it breaks the preceding silence in such a way that a meaningful conversation may (or may not) ensue--because it says "you are a human being worthy of notice, and I am noticing you." Which is actually a very meaningful, authentic thing to communicate.
Small talk, properly used, is just an extended version of "good morning." It exists for the sake of what (hopefully) comes after.
As such, it is not to be scorned.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
It would seem that I haven't explained my reasons sufficiently for extroverts so I will use the words of someone else who explains how I and most introverts feel quote:
<snip> It is space and money wasted. Small talk is like that roll sitting in the vast expanse of the mind to an introvert. It's a waste of resources…..It lacks creativity. Many introverts are creative types, and few things are as bereft of creativity as small talk.
This is nonsense. Creative people are
interested people. They are fascinated in the new and the different. Creative people are keen to learn, find out, experiment and play.
Small talk is simply a way in to conversation - and conversation feeds creativity. This writer doesn't sound creative at all to me, as Twilight pointed out - a bore (and an arrogant one at that)
![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Everybody has something interesting about them. The differences are what make us interesting.
If you go through life looking for people who are just the same as you, you’re going to end up with a quite narrow circle of friends, and no real stimulus, just reinforcement.
Some people can make an interesting subject boring, others can infuse a topic you previously regarded as dull with life.
If you meet a stranger (and this may be a cultural difference), you try to put them first, and make them feel at ease. It's not all about you.
You can't write off people you've never met on the grounds that they don't share your interests. You don't know that they don't. They might secretly harbour an enthusiasm for it.
Lots of us are introverts. I'm one, though less so these days than I used to be – people aren't as scary as I used to find them. That quote of Leo's isn't a picture of anyone I recognize.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
Trying to keep this heavenly, but leo, I… err… strongly disagree with you ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
I am also an introvert (96% if you run one of those Myers-Briggs things on me) but I can still appreciate the usefulness of small talk.
In fact a thread like this one (practical ideas on how to do small talk) seems to me particularly useful to those of us who have strongly introverted personalities because we frequently aren't naturally very good at it, which makes it a learned skill rather than an innate behaviour. And there are certain unavoidable social situations where one is required to do small talk (work thing, wedding where you don't know anyone except the happy couple…) and picking up some skills makes them less anxiety-inducing.
Small talk is also about making other people feel at ease. For example, a new person at church standing about nursing their coffee on their own. Yes, I would much rather just keep chatting to my regular friends, but it's unwelcoming and rude, and life isn't all about me. Sometimes we need to do things we don't like very much for other people's benefit. Yes, as a very introverted person, I find other people more tiring than energising, but I should still make the effort sometimes. And while I may be naturally crap at small talk, I can learn to be passably ok at it.
(FWIW, I think the secret is to touch on various topics until you find something the person is very interested in. Then get them to talk about that. They do most of the talking, you smile and nod, and they think you are a very nice and interesting person. )
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
A few observations; for what they are worth.
If you try to categorize what kind of talk you are making, you are not helping yourself. If you think the talk is "small" it probably means you don't think it is worthwhile and you will therefore suck at it.
Talk is just a part of getting to know someone. All of us look for other signals. We look at eyes, gestures, at body posture. If your body posture says you are uncomfortable, or indifferent, the exact nature of the words you say is going to get lost; hidden behind your posture.
Not a damn one of you is less worthy than anyone else on the face of the earth. If you keep that in mind, you might find it easier to meet and greet. Easier said than done, I know. Still worth remembering.
What, in my experience, people find most fascinating is themselves. Don't try to be the life of the party, or say something witty all the time. As has been suggested before, ask them about themselves. Don't try to counter each of their stories with one of your own. Just listen. You might find you are considered a wonderful conversationalist on just the basis of listening and looking interested.
Force yourself to talk to one person you don't know at every social occasion. You might try greeting the other person in the room who looks uncomfortable first. Later, move on up to someone who looks comfortable.
Get with someone you know who is with a group you do not know, and use your acquaintance to "lever" you into their conversation.
Very importantly, if someone rejects you, or appears to reject you; fuck'em. So what, move on. If they reject you without knowing you, they are idiots and not worth knowing anyway.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Angloid
Shipmate
# 159
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Posted
Another introvert checking in. I'm also physically lazy (and therefore unfit); sometimes find cooking a chore; don't read as much (or the right sort of things) as I should....
I would love not to have to indulge in small talk. But if I didn't I would never get to know new people. Not necessarily future lifelong friends, but just interesting and pleasant people whom to meet and engage with, however briefly, is a delight.
I gave up going to the gym because I found it boring, but I'm noticing the difference and need to do more exercise to keep body and mind energised. If I didn't take my turn at cooking, either it would provoke domestic war or I'd go hungry. If I read more, and trained my mind to become more disciplined, I know I would feel the benefit.
As much as all these can be unwelcome chores, the benefits of having done them much outweigh the negatives.
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Brian: You're all individuals!
Crowd: We're all individuals!
Lone voice: I'm not!
Posts: 12927 | From: The Pool of Life | Registered: May 2001
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