Thread: Apocalypse! Advice issued for the end of the world. Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Lucrezia Spagliatoni Dayglo (# 16907) on :
 
This rather tongue-in-cheek item has appeared on my radar!

British authorities have insisted they are prepared for the looming apocalypse and have issued advice on how to cope.

Have shipmates any more useless advice for the apocalypse!

[Probably best not to paste the whole item as it looks as if this is copyright, so I've put a link in instead. Cheers, Ariel.]

[ 08. December 2012, 08:30: Message edited by: Ariel ]
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
There were some good ideas on this thread not so long ago, particularly if the advice is Party! (Like there's no tomorrow).
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
It is fast approaching, and me not sure what the Mayans consider good behaviour for a happy afterlife. Or is it only the physical cosmology we are to be concerned with? Best to cover all the bases. Feast, orgy and prayers for the final few minutes.
To whom it may concern, You are the best of all possible god(s). I have been ever so good/naughty as you have prescribed. I look forward to the wonderful delights of your afterlife/getting tortured/being devoured first, as a devoted follower of __________. {Please fill in name(s)}
Sincerely, lilBuddha
 

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Posted by Ceannaideach (# 12007) on :
 
Packing tape on the windows in the X shape.

Also at the moment apocalypse is unleased you should be prepared by holding your nose and sticking out your tongue.

Or at least that's what the Doctor suggested for a nuclear blast.
 

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Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
Keep a few shovels handy. I believe they are very useful for lobotomising zombies.
 

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Posted by Olde Sea Dog (# 13061) on :
 
Stock up on toilet paper, you'll need it.
 

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Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
Whisky. Definitely whisky.
 

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Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
Patience. A good book (not necessarily THE Good Book). A change of underwear. Ear plugs. A second opinion.

[ 10. December 2012, 00:54: Message edited by: roybart ]
 

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Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
The US government, having a less acute sense of irony than HM's, has just plunged its head into the sand.
 

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Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
I realised a while back that I received excellent Apocalypse training from, of all people, the Girl Guides.

All those people who've spent their lives blowing out zombie brains on video games? They gonna get eaten. OTOH, I spent years in the Guides learning useful skills like camping and setting fire to stuff. I'll have no problem heading to the hills.
 

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Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucrezia Spagliatoni Dayglo:
British authorities have insisted they are prepared for the looming apocalypse and have issued advice on how to cope.

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quote:

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To quell fears, the UK organisations have issued detailed, if tongue-in-cheek, advice.

A London Fire Brigade spokesman advised: "Fit a smoke alarm on each level of your home, then at least you might stand a chance of knowing that the end of the world is nigh ahead of those who don't.

"If you survive the apocalypse you'll be alerted to a fire more quickly should one ever break out."

The AA warned: "Before heading off, take time to do the basic checks on your car and allow extra time for your journey.

"Local radio is a good source of traffic and weather updates and for any warnings of an impending apocalypse. Should the announcer break such solemn news, try to remain focused on the road ahead and keep your hands on the wheel."

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What a country! Yeah, as an official announcement, that probably wouldn't fly here. We have waaaay too many po' mouthed boneheads. There actually would be people listening to their AM stations for news of the Apocalypse. And there really would be a raid in the stores on smoke alarms. Although on the other hand, that might not be a bad thing.
 

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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
I too was a Girl Guide and I am ready for anything, with my copy of How Girls Can Help To Build Up The Empire: the Handbook for Girl Guides (facsimile of the original 1912 edition) to hand. The shovel is in the garage, but I can get to it without going outside the house in the event of a zombie attack.
 

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Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
My advice is to take a good book to read - the queue for passport control to get into Heaven is likely to be very long indeed.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Kindle! I've got three versions of the Bible in it plus the LOL Cat version. That's gotta count for something.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by leo:
My advice is to take a good book to read - the queue for passport control to get into Heaven is likely to be very long indeed.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
The US government, having a less acute sense of irony than HM's, has just plunged its head into the sand.

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quote:

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We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Adeodatus:
The great thing about an Apocalypse this close to Christmas is that if you buy tinfoil to make a protective hat, and then the Apocalypse doesn't happen, you can use the foil to cook your turkey in at Christmas.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Joan_of_Quark:
There's always this:
CDC zombie preparedness

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quote:

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Originally posted by lilBuddha:

quote:

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Originally posted by Adeodatus:
The great thing about an Apocalypse this close to Christmas is that if you buy tinfoil to make a protective hat, and then the Apocalypse doesn't happen, you can use the foil to cook your turkey in at Christmas.

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Instructions.

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For a moment I was expecting instructions on how to cook a turkey.

Seems to me the Ship has missed a marketing opportunity here. We could've been churning out SOF anti-apocalypse tinfoil hats by the thousand.
 

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Posted by ProgenitorDope (# 16648) on :
 
(1) Cardio, (2) Double tap (3) Avoid bathrooms (4) Seatbelts.
 

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Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Has the world ended yet? Is there a way of telling the difference between the endless void of eternal nothingness and a typical Friday in December?
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Why, this is Hell nor are we out of it

[ 21. December 2012, 07:02: Message edited by: Firenze ]
 

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Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
 
I've just realised that it won't end today but tomorrow as we're in different time zones. An extra day!
That's assuming it all goes down at midnight.

[ 21. December 2012, 07:35: Message edited by: Heavenly Anarchist ]
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
Well I never did! Last time we had an apocalyptical scenario like this I just happened to be in the one place thought to be safe, (Iona). I'm on sacristy duty this weekend, so if The End Of The World could kindly hold off until approximately 2 pm this afternoon, I shall be safely ensconced in church setting up. With a plentiful supply of candles, bibles, incense, linen which could at a pinch be utilised should the heating systems fail. Food provision? No problem! I have access to the secret stash of sweeties that are handed out at the monthly All Age Service birthday slot.

Oh, and I'm an ex Girl Guide and proud patrol leader whose group was awarded the Wooden Spoon for Best Cooks, District Camp, Shere 1972. I'm sorted.
 

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Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :
 
How can we tell whether we are in the same time-space continuum we were in yesterday, if the new one and the old one are identical?

GG
 

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Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
I'm on sacristy duty this weekend, so if The End Of The World could kindly hold off until approximately 2 pm this afternoon, I shall be safely ensconced in church setting up. With a plentiful supply of candles, bibles, incense, linen which could at a pinch be utilised should the heating systems fail. Food provision? No problem! I have access to the secret stash of sweeties that are handed out at the monthly All Age Service birthday slot.

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Probably safe from zombies, too.

Or is it vampires?


 

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Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Chapelhead:

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
I'm on sacristy duty this weekend, so if The End Of The World could kindly hold off until approximately 2 pm this afternoon, I shall be safely ensconced in church setting up. With a plentiful supply of candles, bibles, incense, linen which could at a pinch be utilised should the heating systems fail. Food provision? No problem! I have access to the secret stash of sweeties that are handed out at the monthly All Age Service birthday slot.

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Probably safe from zombies, too.

Or is it vampires?

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Never mind Zombies or vampires! That list of essentials pretty much guarantees I'm safe from my family too
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by kingsfold:

quote:

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Originally posted by Chapelhead:

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
I'm on sacristy duty this weekend, so if The End Of The World could kindly hold off until approximately 2 pm this afternoon, I shall be safely ensconced in church setting up. With a plentiful supply of candles, bibles, incense, linen which could at a pinch be utilised should the heating systems fail. Food provision? No problem! I have access to the secret stash of sweeties that are handed out at the monthly All Age Service birthday slot.

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Probably safe from zombies, too.

Or is it vampires?

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Never mind Zombies or vampires! That list of essentials pretty much guarantees I'm safe from my family too

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I said "sweeties," you two, not garlic!

Mind you, chewing on a few cloves of that would have much the same effect.

 

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Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Sweeties? Garlic? Makes no difference.

It's the bibles, candles and incense that keep me safe from my family...
 

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Posted by sebby (# 15147) on :
 
We can always rest in the assurance that if anyone 'knows' when the End will come, then that is when it will not, and these posts show that just about all Shipmates agree.

We are told that it is not known even to the Son, but only the Father.
 

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Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :
 
Is anyone there, or am I the only one left?
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Just popping back to check, and yes, it is just you. Should not have been napping.
 

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Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :
 
I'd forgotten this was upon us. I do hope it holds off till after midnight. We have friends coming round to a meal and it's sherry trifle for pudding. I'd hate it to go to waste.

Nen - domestic goddess.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Apparently the 'yoots' are taking this as a very good excuse to have an Apocalypse Party.

Then again, I think I remember a Party thrown because of Thursday following Wednesday. Or something like that.
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by kingsfold:
Sweeties? Garlic? Makes no difference.

It's the bibles, candles and incense that keep me safe from my family...

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Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Adeodatus:

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucrezia Spagliatoni Dayglo:
British authorities have insisted they are prepared for the looming apocalypse and have issued advice on how to cope.

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I'm relieved that things have improved since Leicester city council was forced to admit it was unprepared for a Zombie Apocalypse.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:
So when is the world next scheduled to end? I was washing my hair and missed it this time.

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quote:

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Originally posted by rolyn:
Could this be the end of End of the World predictions ?

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quote:

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... can we predict when end of the world predictions will end?

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When ...

... this ...

... thread ...

....ends?


 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Good point. Let's close it and find out.

Firenze
New Heaven and New Earth Host
 

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