Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke? Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Here's mine:


The local Guinness representative walked into his favorite pub only to find two men from rival companies at the bar and about to order. “I’ll have the King of Beers. Make it a light one!” said the Budweiser man. “I’ll have a PBR! “ droned the Pabst salesman. Finally the man from Guinness said, “Make mine an orange juice. Straight up!”

The other two guys said to him, quizzically and in unison, “Aren’t you having any beer?” The Irishman replied, “ Well since you two aren’t having beer, I figured I wouldn’t either!”
 

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Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :
 
[mildly risque subject matter, but not really dirty)

An elderly nun is teaching a class of girls at a convent school. She asks one of the girls what she wants to be when she grows up. "A prostitute" comes the reply.

The nun faints and is carried to the infirmary. After she revives, she asks for the girl to be brought in so that she may question her again.

"Wh-wh-what did you say you wanted to be?"

"A prostitute."

"Oh, thank heavens! I thought you said a protestant!"
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 


(not even remotely offended, and I'm devout RC!)
 

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Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
Adult Clean joke is a null set.
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
A meat pie went into a pub.

The bartender said, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."
 

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Posted by Kitten (# 1179) on :
 
Descartes walked into a bar and the bartender asked him "would you like a drink?".

Descartes said "I think not" and vanished.
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Not so much a joke, but a rag week prank at an agricultural college. Some students took hold of three pigs and painted numbers "1", "2" and "4" on them thn letting them loose in town. The authorities caught pigs 1, 2 and 4 soon enough but wasted two days looking for pig #3.

[ 23. January 2013, 20:22: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 

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Posted by Latchkey Kid (# 12444) on :
 
I sent this to a friend in a recruitment agency.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.
 

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Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Not so much a joke, but a rag week prank at an agricultural college. Some students took hold of three pigs and painted numbers "1", "2" and "4" on them thn letting them loose in town. The authorities caught pigs 1, 2 and 4 soon enough but wasted two days looking for pig #3.

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Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub. The barman looked at them and said "Is this a joke?"

[ 23. January 2013, 22:16: Message edited by: Spike ]
 

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Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
A horse went into a pub. The barman said to him "why the long face?"
 

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Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
A bear went in to a pub and said, "I'll have a


whisky, please." The barman said, "Sure, but why the big pause?"
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
An airplane was clearly about to crash. Suddenly a conservatively dressed woman passenger, a woman of business, stood up and shouted, "Is there any man here who can make me feel like a real woman just once before I die?"

"I can!" a man dressed in a business suit replied. He then stood up and took off his jacket and tie. Next, he ripped off his shirt and threw it at the woman.

"Iron this!" he calmly said.
 

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Posted by Latchkey Kid (# 12444) on :
 
The steward asked a woman how she liked her coffee.
"I like my coffee like I like my men.", she replied, "Strong and sweet!"
"Of course", responded the steward, "But black or white?"

This old joke has aged and comes from a time of my first visit to the US when the airline steward asked if you had coffee 'with, or without cream'.
 

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Posted by Late Paul (# 37) on :
 
A couple retire to a small town in the country. The man joins a men's social club that has a monthly dinner with a speaker. Everyone takes it in turn to book the speaker but the rule is if your speaker doesn't turn up you have to speak instead.

So it's the newcomer's turn and he gets an old friend to speak, but at the last minute the friend has to back out due to illness. So the man gets up to speak and since it's off the cuff he speaks about the first thing that comes to his mind, namely sex. He's very entertaining and funny and a good time is had by all.

He gets home and his wife asks him about what happened and he tells her he'd had to speak. She asks him what he spoke about. A little embarrassed to admit the truth he says, "sailing".

The next day his wife is out in the town and she meets a couple of blokes who were at the dinner. They both enthuse about how good a speaker her husband was, especially, they say with a smile, on his chosen topic.

The woman looks quizzical and says, "That's odd because he's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!"
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Spike:
A horse went into a pub. The barman said to him "why the long face?"

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Ad the horse said to the smartarse barman, "I've just been diagnosed with cancer".
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
An old married couple and a widower were sitting around the rest home chatting. "Oh, I can't remember anything anymore," said the widower. "My memory has failed so."

"Well," the elderly husband said, "you should take the memory improvement course that a lady is offering down at the senior citizen center. We took it and it's done wonders for us."

"I'll look into that," said the widower. "What's the name of the lady who teaches it?"

"I'll tell you her name," the elderly husband said, "but first I want to ask you a question. What's the name of the flower that's red and has thorns?"

The widower replied, "That's a rose."

"Yes, that's right, a rose," the husband said. Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what's the name of that lady down at the senior center?"
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Miss Amanda... that's a groaner.

Today's joke:

A nonagenarian was sitting on a park bench crying uncontrollably and a teenage boy and his girlfriend sat down next to him. He asked the old man what was wrong and the old gentleman replied, "I have a gorgeous wife. She is 29 years old, we make love everyday, she's a gourmet cook and an excellent housekeeper." The boy says, "That sounds like you have a perfect life, sir." His girlfriend says, " Could you tell us why you're crying so much?" The older gentleman sobs, " I can't remember where I live!"
 

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Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Late Paul:
A couple retire to a small town in the country. The man joins a men's social club that has a monthly dinner with a speaker. Everyone takes it in turn to book the speaker but the rule is if your speaker doesn't turn up you have to speak instead.

So it's the newcomer's turn and he gets an old friend to speak, but at the last minute the friend has to back out due to illness. So the man gets up to speak and since it's off the cuff he speaks about the first thing that comes to his mind, namely sex. He's very entertaining and funny and a good time is had by all.

He gets home and his wife asks him about what happened and he tells her he'd had to speak. She asks him what he spoke about. A little embarrassed to admit the truth he says, "sailing".

The next day his wife is out in the town and she meets a couple of blokes who were at the dinner. They both enthuse about how good a speaker her husband was, especially, they say with a smile, on his chosen topic.

The woman looks quizzical and says, "That's odd because he's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

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I shared this one with Mr Nen this morning and we both had a really good laugh, thank you.

Nen - another joke added to the not-very-large repertoire.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

 

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Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
 
Did you hear about the lighthouse keeper?

He ran upstairs so fast that he screwed himself into the roof.

---------------------------------------------------------

Another nice one which I had heard before and was reminded of in a programme recently about the late Bob Monkhouse.

"They all laughed when I said I wanted to become a comedian.

[pause]

They're not laughing now".
 

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Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he stealthily makes his way across the room, he hears a voice in the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar stops, but, hearing nothing more, continues edging across the room.

"Jesus is watching you," says the mysterious voice.

The burglar stops again. By now he's worked out that the voice is coming from the corner of the room. He moves away from the sound, but once more he hears "Jesus is watching you."

He realises the game is probably up, but decides to play for time.

"Who are you?" he asks.

"I'm a parrot," says the voice, "and my name is Ermintrude."

"That's a funny name for a parrot," says the burglar.

"Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiler," says the parrot, "but he's watching you!"
 

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Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
A termite walks into a pub and says
'Is the bar tender here?'
 

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Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
A skeleton went into a pub and asked for a beer and a mop.
 

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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
Man walks into a bar, accompanied by a giraffe. He orders a pint for himself and 12 pints for the giraffe. The man sips his pint decorously, while the giraffe downs his 12 pints one after another (Note: it's best if you can mimic the giraffe at this point, holding the pint at the end of long stiff arms and tipping it down your throat).

Then the giraffe, very slowly, falls to the ground and lies there. His companion finishes his pint, looks at the giraffe and sighs, then goes to leave. The barman cries out 'Hi! you can't leave that lying there...'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and the man turns round and says
.
.
.
.
.
.
'it's not a lion, it's a giraffe!'

Mrs. S, snickering quietly to herself
 

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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
Young Irish criminal gets fed up with people laughing at his accent, so he goes to elocution lessons. He ends up speaking like a hereditary peer straight off a grouse moor. Secure in the knowledge that no-one will guess his origins, he goes into a bank and says in his new posh voice 'Ai have a gun, please be so very good as to place all your money in this bag Ai have here'.

The cashier leans towards him with a thoughtful expression on his face.

'You're Irish, aren't you?'

'How the **** did you guess?'


'You sawed the wrong end off the shotgun!'

Mrs. S, still laughing at that one
 

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Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


Sorry.
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


Sorry.

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Huh?
 

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Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:

quote:

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Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


Sorry.

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Huh?

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There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish
 

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Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Can you drive this thing?"
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:

quote:

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Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:

quote:

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Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


Sorry.

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Huh?

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There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish

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Ahh, OK, lol


A dyslexic walks into a bra....
 

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Posted by Caissa (# 16710) on :
 
Two men walked into a bar. You would thought the second one would have seen it.
 

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Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :
 
A priest, a rabbi and a protestant minister are fishing from a small boat in the lake.

Suddenly the priest says 'I've brought the wrong line' hops over the side and walks across the water to the shop on the pier.

A bit later the rabbi says 'I need a different style of lure' hops over the side, etc. etc.

About a half hour later the minister says 'I need more sunscreen' hops over the side, and promptly sinks to the bottom.

Watching this, the priest says to the rabbi, 'I suppose we should have told the poor sod where the stumps were.'
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
I know a better version.

An Anglican priest, a Baptist Minister and a Pentecostal pastor are fishing etc.

Suddenly the Pentecostal pastor says 'I need to go to the toilet' hops over the side, walks across the water to the WC on the pier, and walks back.

A bit later the Baptist Minister says 'I need to go too', hops over the side, etc. etc.

About a half hour later the Priest says 'Me too', hops over the side, and promptly sinks to the bottom.

Watching this, the Pentecostal pastor says to the Baptist, 'I suppose we should have told the poor chap where the stepping stones are.'

The Baptist replies, 'What stepping stones?'
 

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Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Desmond Tutu told a similar joke - the twist being that he walked on the water, but the only thing the newspapers would say was "Tutu can't swim".
 

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Posted by irish_lord99 (# 16250) on :
 
A man and his wife had 16 children due to her hearing difficulties. Every night he would ask her, "Do you want to go to sleep, or what?"
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Three girls are discussing their marriage plans with their father. The first says, "I'm going to marry King Edward!"
"Splendid," says the father, "royalty in the family ..."
The second girl declares that she wants to marry Maris Piper; "A fine old Scottish family." says the pleased father.
The third expresses a preference for Murray Walker. "you can't marry him!" exclaims the father, "he's just a commentator!"
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A lady had a pet parrot that had acquired a rather off-color vocabulary. She used to bring with her to the corner pub every Saturday night, where it would entertain the regulars while picking up some more choice vocabulary.

One Sunday the lady brought the parrot to church. No sooner had she taken her seat in the choir when the parrot launched into his usual routine.

"Be quiet!" said the lady. "You can't say those things in church!"

"Why the hell not?" the parrot replied. "These are the same damn people who were in the pub last night!"
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
A Roman Catholic labourer is one of a gang doing roadworks outside a brothel.

A Protestant minster goes in, and he saya, "Disgusting!".

A rabbi goes in, and he says,"Disgusting!"

A priest goes in, and he says, "How sad! One of the girls must have died".
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
A man's wife is away on a trip, and in the middle of the night a policeman knocks on his door, and shows him a photo.

Policeman: "Is that your wife?"

Man: "Yes".

Policeman: "Looks like she's been in a train accident".

Man: "Yes, but she's got a beautiful nature".
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:
but you might need to know that a perch is a fish

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quote:

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Originally posted by Heavenly Anarchist:

quote:

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Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:

quote:

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Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says "Can you small fish?"


Sorry.

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Huh?

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There is a typo, small should be smell, but you might need to know that a perch is a fish

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quote:

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Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
Two old ladies, Maud and Edith, driving through a city <<snip>> 'Oh crap' she says, 'am I driving?'

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quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Two oranges are sitting side-by-side on a wall. The first orange says to the other 'Where do you live, then?'. The second orange replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come round and steal my washing....'.

Ian J (whose brother is the only other person I know who has laughed spontaneously at this.....)

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Am I being dense? I don't 'get' this one at all.
 

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Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :
 
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

Ian J.
 

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Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

Ian J.

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Hand tentatively in the air...
 

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Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 deg. latitude and 120 and 124 deg West longitude."

"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."

The man below says, "You must be a contractor."

"Well, yes," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going and you've made a promise that you can't keep but now you expect me to solve your problem; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
 

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Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

Ian J.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Organ Builder:
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious...

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quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Two oranges are sitting side-by-side on a wall. The first orange says to the other 'Where do you live, then?'. The second orange replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come round and steal my washing....'.

Ian J (whose brother is the only other person I know who has laughed spontaneously at this.....)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jengie Jon:

quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

Ian J.

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A second hand in the air.

Jengie

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quote:

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Originally posted by Spike:
What's got four legs and flies?
Two pairs of trousers.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
There are 10 types of people in the world -- those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Garasu:

quote:

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Originally posted by Organ Builder:
You probably have to work with these people to find this funny, but I still find it hilarious...

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The rest of us just substitute the professionals from our own experience...

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quote:

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Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
A lady flying in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She reduces her altitude and spots another lady in a field down below. She lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The lady below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be a technical director," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The lady below says, "You must be in labour."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


(rewritten from a selection in: http://www.jokebuddha.com)

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quote:

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Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
The first time I heard it, the guy on the ground was a political scientist.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
My wife remembered this one:

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amorya:
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. … … … erm, I mean, the ladder!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Jigsaw:
Why does an elephant paint his toenails?
- So he can hide in a cherry tree.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
- Good disguise, isn't it?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amorya:
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb

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quote:

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How many CofE (OR insert denomination of choice) does is take to change a light bulb?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change it, and one to kick the chair out from under her.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Organ Builder:

quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change it, and one to kick the chair out from under her.

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Or, as I heard it:

Six--one to change it, and five to talk behind her back about how much better they could have done it.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
No, you're not dense - you just don't have the surreal sense of humour that runs in my family.....

.......this is the sort of joke that simply cannot be explained. You either get it (and not many do), or you don't. If anyone did laugh spontaneously, do let me know!

---

Erm, I do. I was chuckling for ages after reading this joke. Can I tell you why? No, not even a little.

Hello? Hello? Come back... It's quiet in here.
 

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Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Not quite a joke, but it IS definitely adult:

quoting from Peter Gzowski's book about the original incarnation of his radio program:

quote:

---

A statement by the Honourable Paul Martin, Sr.,
Which won the “dumbest real political statement” award in 1973
In a contest sponsored by Peter Gzowski on his program
“This Country in the Morning” on CBC

Speaking when he was a candidate for the leadership of the Liberal Party in 1967:

“I wouldn’t be seeking the leadership of the Liberal Party if I didn’t feel strongly that I could not in all conscience not feel that I was taking objection to the meaning of my public life if I didn’t feel that in the view of the emphasis I place on what is the important question that I have the right, that I would have the right, not to meet it.”

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I'm pretty sure you will laugh anyway!

Needless to say, he did not attain his goal. Unfortuinately, his son did reach that office, but apparently he also inherited the speaking style.
 

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Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :
 
To those of you who have said they laughed at my orange joke.....



Ian J.
 

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Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Tiger Woods was playing in a tournament in rural Ireland and drove his BMW into the local garage to fill up with fuel. The proprietor came up to man the pump and got chatting, as the Irish do. Tiger got out of the car to continue the conversation and couple of tees fell out of his pocket.

"Well now, what are those things?" asked the proprietor.

"Oh, they're called tees. They are to rest my balls on while I'm driving." replied Tiger.

"Bejasus, don't BMW think of everything!"
 

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Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by blackbeard:

How many tenors etc.?
Just the one. He hold the bulb up to the socket and the world revolves around him.

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Snags:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jigsaw:
Why does an elephant paint his toenails?
- So he can hide in a cherry tree.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
- Good disguise, isn't it?

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Variation on a theme, not "clean" but probably no worse than some of the others that have snuck in:

Q: Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

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Cherry trees in a jungle! That's hilarious!


Oh, that wasn't the funny part, was it.



 

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Posted by Snags (# 15351) on :
 
Well, indeed. On reflection it fails the "adult" criteria too, as it was definitely a school playground joke, so accuracy not a strong requirement.
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Snags:
Well, indeed. On reflection it fails the "adult" criteria too, as it was definitely a school playground joke, so accuracy not a strong requirement.

---

I liked both versions. Although the cherry tree in the jungle (and a giraffe eating cherries) adds to the general silliness!
 

---

Posted by Palimpsest (# 16772) on :
 
If we're regenerating lightbulb jokes;

How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

4. One to hold the bulb and 3 to change the plane of reference.
 

---

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
Traveller . Thanks for that joke . Took me a few minutes to get it, also put a smile on the wife's face.

 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
A hippy era one:-

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb

10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.

---

I'm offended - my family has been in California since the country was young!

I am going to stop writing my novel for a bit and wander off to ponder my joke for the day. This time it shan't be plagiarized!
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Traveller:
Tiger Woods was playing in a tournament in rural Ireland and drove his BMW into the local garage to fill up with fuel. The proprietor came up to man the pump and got chatting, as the Irish do. Tiger got out of the car to continue the conversation and couple of tees fell out of his pocket.

"Well now, what are those things?" asked the proprietor.

"Oh, they're called tees. They are to rest my balls on while I'm driving." replied Tiger.

"Bejasus, don't BMW think of everything!"

---

I'm glad I didn't get the visual!


 

---

Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :
 
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

I don't know many jokes, i am afraid.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Here's today's joke. I just made it up. I have been working on my novel for several hours and I am taking a break before attending early Mass. Sorry if it's not as good as earlier submissions!

Q. How many basses does it take to make a key?

A. Only one, but he has to go downstairs to the canal to get a new lock!
 

---

Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
After my "joke of the day" was posted, I went to early Mass - that was over three hours ago. I have been writing my novel and/or reading one about an Englishman in Italy (please see Ship's Book Club in this venue). Please, be honest. Is it rubbish or is it any good? Did you lot like either of the other two which were not based on ballooning? I am enjoying most of your submissions that were not like my late mother's favourite genre. She loved shaggy dog stories such as the ones our good friend Miss Amanda likes to tell.....

I thank you, one and all, for making this thread a roaring success! I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Bloody hell! How did the joke about the brown stick sneak in?
 

---

Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Bloody hell! How did the joke about the brown stick sneak in?

---

It seemed quite relevant for someone who lives in Ambridge.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spike:

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Firenze:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

---

In which case, get a blog....

As I pointed out on the NaNoWriMo thread, this is not the place for getting feedback on your compositions.

Firenze
Heaven Host

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spike:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!

(Wouldn't be surprised if this came from the original Cowes in UK).

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Firenze:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I pledge to offer at least four unfamiliar adult clean jokes every week ad infinitum. Q

---

In which case, get a blog....

As I pointed out on the NaNoWriMo thread, this is not the place for getting feedback on your compositions.

Firenze
Heaven Host

---

Right - I'll get me coat! It's just a joke - get over it! I have done.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!

---

I'm sorry but I don't understand your joke's relation to mine.
I thought it was a comment on the state of being a stick.
 

---

Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :
 
Surely the connection is the word 'brown'?


....but you knew that, of course......

Ian J.
 

---

Posted by Reuben (# 11361) on :
 
Apparently my son knows the funniest joke in the world but he refuses to tell me as I may die from laughing so hard I split my sides.
 

---

Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:

quote:

---

Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

---

Backstory to oral joke: There is a popular holiday spot near Melbourne called Phillip Island, the main town on which, Cowes, used to be served by a ferry.

Hence: What's brown, steams and comes out of Cow[e]s? The Phillip Island ferry!

---

I'm sorry but I don't understand your joke's relation to mine.
I thought it was a comment on the state of being a stick.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Reuben:
Apparently my son knows the funniest joke in the world but he refuses to tell me as I may die from laughing so hard I split my sides.

---

I'm surprised he hasn't suggested that you make your will in his favour, so that he can tell it.
 

---

Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
Two women were at work together.

Woman#1 says to Woman#2: "How in the world do you remain so cheerful in this horrible workplace?"

Woman#2 says, "I'll tell you a secret: Once in awhile during lunch hour, I go to my house and I make love with my husband. It is great! You should try that too."

One day soon after, Woman#2 notices Woman#1 missing during lunch hour. Suddenly, Woman#1 appears, ready to resume work and she is grinning from ear to ear.

Woman#2 says to her: "Ahhhh, I see you took my advice!"

Woman#1 says, "Oh yes! And by the way, your curtains are lovely."
 

---

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
Nice one CG

A Christian man dies , then finds himself in some kind of parallel universe type place . Low and behold there's a pub there .
So he goes in and starts talking to a happy looking man sat at the bar.

Being a newbie he was a bit nervous, so he asked the man sitting there what this being dead business was like.
"It's magic mate", says the man. Then, drawing in closer, he continues , "You won't believe this, but I'm either up on the golfing green or..." he whispers "...<having sex>".

"Well" replies the Christian man, "This all sounds pretty amazing".
"Although I have to say I never thought Heaven would have such an abundance of earthly pleasures on offer".

The other man says, "Oh, I'm not talking about Heaven . I was a life-long Buddhist, when I'm not here I'm reincarnated as a rabbit .
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
I'm not too sure the last two jokes count as 'clean'.

But wotthehell, 'adult' went by the board some time ago.
 

---

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Let's try and raise the tone a little then.

What is the definition of an Alto?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Soprano who can sight read.
 

---

Posted by bib (# 13074) on :
 
A blonde gets on a plane flying from Hobart to Melbourne. Despite not having a business class ticket, the blonde sits in that section. The flight attendant asks her to please go to her own seat. "No. I'm blonde and beautiful and going to Melbourne". So the flight attendant goes to report to the Captain that the woman refuses to move. The navigator comes out of the cockpit and asks the woman to go to her proper seat."No. I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Melbourne". The navigator reports this to the Captain. The Captain says that he is married to a blonde, so can speak blonde. He goes to the woman and whispers in her ear. The woman immediately gets up and goes to her proper seat. Everyone cheers. The navigator asks what the Captain said. The Captain replies "I just told her that the business class passengers weren't going to Melbourne."
 

---

Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
Sex, sexism, scatology, ethnic denigration - must be time for some religious sectarianism!

A man on a business trip to Ireland falls into conversation with the passenger beside him:

"And what takes you to Ireland?"

"I-I'm g-g-going for a j-j-j-job interview".

"What sort of a job?"

"R-r-radio a-a-announcer".

"Think you'll get it?"

"N-n-not really. They'll p-p-probably g-g-give it to a b-b-bloody Catholic".
 

---

Posted by Cryptic (# 16917) on :
 
A man buys a new motorbike of which he is intensely proud. He goes over to his friend's house to show it off, and offers to take his friend for a ride on the pillion. His friend agrees and off they go. After a while, the rider turns around and says to his passenger "How are you going?". Passenger replies, "The your bike is fantastic, but I'm freezing back here in teh wind". The rider tells his friend to put his jacket on backwards so that the collar stops the wind blowing down his neck. They set off again, and all is well. A little later, the rider once again turns around to check that his friend is OK, and he is dismayed to see that he has fallen off. He does a U-turn and retraces his route, the rider soon find his friend, lying in the middle of the road surrounded by helpful bystanders. "How is he?" says the rider to one of the bystanders, who replies "He seemed OK until we tried to turn his head around the right way..."
 

---

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
I heard Kaplan Corday's one as being set in South Wales - and the man was sure he would get the job, because he spoke Welsh.

Maybe you have to know South Wales to get that version...
 

---

Posted by cosmic dance (# 14025) on :
 
A prisoner who has been convicted of a crime, is escorted by a policeman back to court to hear his sentence pronounced.
The judge says to the prisoner "Have you anything to say before you are sentenced?"
"Bugger all, your Lordship" says the prisoner. The judge turns to the policeman "Eh, what was that? What did the prisoner say?" "He said bugger all, your Lordship" says the policeman.
"That's strange", says the judge. "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
 

---

Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
Another old lady joke they're a bit on my mind at the moment.

Two old ladies playing cards together one afternoon. They have been friends all their lives, upwards of 80 years. One of them suddenly realises she has forgotten her friend's name - after all this time she can't remember what her friend is called.

Mortified, she says 'I am more sorry than I can say, but I cannot for the life of me remember your name'.

Old lady number 2 is furious. 'we've been friends ALL THIS TIME and now you can't even remember my name - fine friend you are' and so on and so on.

Old lady number 1 by now is abject - 'Just please forgive me and tell me your name, you know I'm getting old and my memory is going'.

Old lady number 2 - 'Oh well all right, I suppose so'

Pause.

'When do you need to know by?'

Mrs. S, in full sympathy
 

---

Posted by Bob Two-Owls (# 9680) on :
 
The Food Standards Agency have retracted their claim to have found traces of zebra in supermarket beefburgers after someone pointed out exactly what a barcode is.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A dumb blonde went into the beauty parlor to get her hair done, but she wouldn't take off her headphones. "Oh, no, I can't." she said. "If I take them off, I'll die!"

"Oh, surely that can't be right," the beautician replied. "Here, let me help you with those." Whereupon the beautician removed the dumb blonde's headphones. Immediately she began gasping for air, and in another minute she keeled over dead.

"My goodness, I wonder what she was hearing through those?" the beautician asked. So she put on the headphones and heard the following:

"Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . breathe in . . . breathe out . . ."
 

---

Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing the jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

Because the box said "from 2 to 4 years."
 

---

Posted by Bene Gesserit (# 14718) on :
 
How many surrealists does it take to...


Apricots.
 

---

Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Man goes into a pub and says to the barman 'I'll h-h-have a p-p-int of b-b-bitter, p-please'

'C-c-certainly s-sir' says the barman 'P-p-pint of b-b-bitter, c-coming r-right up.'

So the man's drinking his pint by the bar and a another man comes in, a big puce-faced posh chap. 'Barman!' says the posh chap in a very clipped voice, 'A large whisky and soda, please!'

'Certainly sir!' replies the barman in an equally clipped voice, 'large whisky and soda, coming right up'.

Hearing this, the first man sees red, leans across the bar and grabs the barman by the collar. 'H-here!' he says, 'w-w-were you t-t-taking the p-p-piss out of m-me?'

'N-n-no!' replies the barman: 'I w-was t-t-taking the p-p-piss out of h-h-him!'

(I told that one to a speech therapist friend of mine. Good fun to see her face darkening as the joke progressed and then bursting into a peal of laughter at the punchline.)
 

---

Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Angus is lying in bed, his breath coming ever more strenuously as his life moves steadily towards its end. His wife of many years sits at his bedside, knitting gently whilst watching over him.

“Florrie!” he whispers. “Florrie, I've something to tell you afore I go.”

“Aye, Angus, what might that be?” Florrie asks him.

“Florrie, I can't go without setting my mind at rest. I have tried to be a good husband to you, but I have to tell you that I had a dalliance with our next door neighbour, Maudie, last year.”

Florrie knits on serenely for a minute or two before she speaks.

“Aye, Angus, I know. That's why I've poisoned ye.”
 

---

Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
A man bumps into an old school friend after many years, and discovers that he is a psychiatrist, so he says, “These days I sometimes wonder about my own sanity, so perhaps I should book myself in with you for a check-up”.

The psychiatrist replies, “I can do a quick elimination test here and now if you’ll just answer three questions. First, what is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does standing on three legs?”

“Shake hands?”

“Correct. Second, what, if your dog did it in your backyard and you stepped in it, might cause you to curse?”

“Dig a hole?”

“Right again. Finally, where is women’s hair the curliest?”

“Papua New Guinea?”

“Three out of three. Don’t worry. You’re perfectly normal. You wouldn’t believe some of the weird answers I get from other people”.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by blackbeard:
I was told ...

How many tenors etc.?
Just the one. He hold the bulb up to the socket and the world revolves around him.

Or, oboe players ....?
Only one, but he needs a stock of 100 light bulbs to be sure of having just the right one.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Shapiro the tailor suffered from a long streak of bad business and was near bankruptcy. So he went to the synagogue and prayed: "Oh God, what can I do to improve my business?"

"Cut wide lapels!" boomed down a voice from the ceiling. So Shapiro rushed back to his tailor shop and cut a whole line of suits with wide lapels. No sooner had he displayed them in his window when a crowd formed and the entire line sold out in minutes. Shapiro could hardly count all the money that came in.

So he went back to the synagogue and prayed: "O God, I thank you for helping me in my time of need. To show my gratitude, I'd like to take you into partnership with me. I'm thinking of calling it God and Shapiro. What do you think?"

The voice boomed down: "Make it Lord and Tailor."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Enoch:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:<<snip>>"Make it Lord and Tailor."

---

I don't think that one works over here.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Traveller:
Continuing the musical thread:

Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion?

A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.


Q. Why is a viola better than a violin?

A. It burns for a longer time.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
A thousand pardons. Lord and Taylor is a very chic department store.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Traveller: Continuing the musical thread: Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion? A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Did you hear about the blonde who ran away from her kids after she took aspirin?

The bottle said "Take 2 tablets" and "Keep away from children."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Drifting Star:

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Did you hear about the blonde who ran away from her kids after she took aspirin?

The bottle said "Take 2 tablets" and "Keep away from children."

---

This seems like excellent advice to anyone with a headache.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by GordonThePenguin:
A man walks into an East German department store and says to the assistant 'Have you no men's shoes?'.

The assistant replies, 'No. Here we have no kitchenware. No men's shoes is on the second floor'.

---

Ah the joys of German grammar
 

---

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by St. Gwladys:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Traveller: Continuing the musical thread: Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion? A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.

---

In a similar vein:
What's the difference between a church organist and an onion?
A: You cry when you stick a knife into an onion.

What's the difference between a church organist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

(Both told by a vicar)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by jedijudy:
What is it called when you toss a bagpipe in the exact center of a dumpster?

Perfect pitch.

---

Perfect pitch is when you dumpster an accordion- and land it on a banjo...
 

---

Posted by Stick Monitor (# 17253) on :
 
A rabbit walks into a pub and asks for the bar-food menu.
"I'll have a cheese toastie and a tuna toastie please"
The next day he does the same...
"I'll have a ham toastie and a chicken toastie please"
And again, the next day...
"I'll have a bean toastie and an egg toastie please"
And so on until the end of the week, after which he never returns.

One night, at midnight, exactly one year after the rabbit's last visit, the hideously deformed spectre of the rabbit floats through the door as the landlord is cleaning up.

"Is that you, rabbit? Where have you been all this time?" asked the landlord.
"I died" replied the rabbit.
"Oh, sorry to hear that. What did you die of?"
"Mixing my toasties."
 

---

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
Oh, Mr Stick Monitor, that was a beauty

I have exhausted my joke supply . The tumbleweeds can stay locked away.

Just one more as a stocking-filler.....
Q . What did the grape say when it got trod on ?

A . Nothing . It just let out a little whine.
 

---

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by rolyn:
< Pardon to all blondes , love you really >

Dumb blonde out driving her sports one day , and down come a load of hail-stones the size of tennis balls.

She takes the motor, covered in dents, to the nearest garage and is greeted by a couple of not very 'new men' who decide they can have a bit of fun .
"Can you fix this ?" she asks . "Well Madame" says one of the men , "We think the best thing you can do is take your car home and blow as hard as you can into that pipe there", (pointing to the exhaust pipe).
"That is a guaranteed way of popping the dents out", says the other.

So the lady obediently goes home and does as the men had advised .
Needless to say this does nothing at all, except smudge the lipstick and put a black ring around her mouth . Disappointed she goes to see her friend, who is also a dumb blonde, and tells the whole sorry story.

Her friend takes one look at the car, and laughing merrily says, "Oh my Dearest, blowing in that pipe was never going to make the dents come out".
"Why's that ?" comes the reply".
"You didn't shut the windows first".

---

You do realise that you can any joke on this lines by starting it "this eejit" or "this beautiful eejit" and it will still work ?
 

---

Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
A Chinese man walks into a bar. It's very crowded and he accidentally spills a drink belonging to an elderly Jewish man. The Chinese man apologises, but the Jewish man is still angry, saying 'You Chinese are all the same - first Pearl Harbour, now this!' 'What are you talking about?' says the Chinese man, 'Pearl Harbour was the Japanese, not the Chinese'. The Jew shrugs and says, 'Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?'

'Well, you can talk,' says the Chinese man. 'It was the Jews that sank the Titanic.' The Jew says 'You're crazy - the Titantic was sunk by an iceberg!' So the Chinese man says 'Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg - what's the difference?'
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
That's terrible!

Today's joke (copyright K M Masser, 2013) is one I had been thinking about almost all month before I told it yesterday to a strange girl I met at work. She laughed, so here it is:

The late Al Davis, owner of the infamous Oakland Raiders of the NFL, decided to have a job fair to find a new coach as almost everyone since the great John Madden quit had failed miserably. Fifty candidates from all over the country, with backgrounds varying from Pop Warner to college to assistants on rival NFL teams, showed up. Mr. Davis said, "All right, raise your hands if you want to receive $40,000 every time the team wins." Fifty hands went up. "OK, now raise your hands if you want to give me $20,000 every time my team loses!" One hand, belonging to the Pop Warner coach at Clairbourn School in San Gabriel, went up. The other forty-nine passed out.
 

---

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 

 

---

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
It might have been polite laughter Sir Kev.

Is telling jokes to strange girls at work a valid method of knowing whether a joke's any good ?
In fact, come to think of it, is it even legal these days ?
 

---

Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :
 
Is this a joke that doesn't cross the pond?
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Yes, that would be the case. I do not know, nor have I composed, any humourous passages regarding my beloved THFC Spurs. I shall copy this one to the NFL thread!
 

---

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
ABV is the current Spurs joke. YMMV.
 

---

Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change lightbulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

Drummer goes into a music shop and browses for a while. Eventually he says: "I'd like the red trumpet and the white accordion". And the shop assistant says: "I'm sorry - I can't sell the fire extinguisher, and the radiator's bolted to the wall."
 

---

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
I just heard this one on National Public Radio's "Car Talk":

If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
 

---

Posted by Snags (# 15351) on :
 
What's the last thing Tickle-me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Test tickles.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Rogue:
ABV is the current Spurs joke. YMMV.

---

Hey ! We won today!
 

---

Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
Q. What would you call Ghandi, knowing that he walked many miles on dusty roads without proper shoes, and his time on hunger strike left him weak; he hardly ever brushed his teeth.

A. A super-calloused, fragile mystic vexed with hallitosis.
 

---

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
A man travels to Africa for a safari. When he disembarks the plane he notices drumming in the background. Curious, he asks the flight attendant. She replies, "Do not worry about the drums, worry when they stop." The next day, in the headed into the bush, he still hears the drums and asks the guide. The guide replies "Pay no attention while the drums play, worry when they stop." And on into the next day when, suddenly, the drums stop and the entire party cringes and huddles together. "What is happening!,"cries the man in panic. With a look of dread, the guide replies. "The drums have stopped. Time for the Bass solo."
 

---

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
What is the last thing to pass through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen of a Ferrari?

It's arse.
 

---

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"The backstroke, sir."

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Don't worry. He won't eat much."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Shhhhh! Everybody will want one!"

There you go. Three jokes, told on the fly...
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Starbug:
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change lightbulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.

---

A singer-songwriter I know (who specializes in corny jokes while tuning her guitar) told this joke, although I don't recall if it was before or after she married her drummer:

Q: How can you tell if the platform is level under the drummer?

A: He's drooling out both sides of his mouth.
 

---

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to go up the ladder and two to bitch about how it's far too high for her but they could do it easily.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, and no-one notices whether its done right or not.

Tenors been done upthread.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just look put-upon and get a tenor to do it.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has horns at the front and an arsehole at the back.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
So a Hindu monk, a rabbi and a Baptist minister were going to an ecumenical conference. Late at night, the car they were driving broke down and they sought refuge at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer (who did NOT have a daughter--this ain't that kind of joke!) told them that they were welcome to stay the night but he only had room for two of them in the house and the third would have to stay in the barn

The Hindu said "No problem! I come from a poor area in my country and I am used to hardship. I am sure your barn will seem like a palace to me!" So he goes out to the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door of the house. It's the Hindu. "I am so sorry! There is a cow in the barn. Cows are very sacred to me and it would not be appropriate for me to share sleeping quarters with such a sacred being."

The rabbi said: "Not to worry! My people, we were born to suffer! I will sleep in the barn!" He goes out. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door of the house. It's the rabbi. "I regret to say that there is a pig in the barn. A pig is an unclean animal and it would not be appropriate for me to sleep in the same spot with it."

The Baptist minister gives a heavy sigh. "Oh, very well," he said in a pompous tone. "Then I shall sleep in the barn." He goes out. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door of the house. It's the cow and the pig...

[The version I learned used a Baptist minister, but feel free to substitute the denomination of your choice.]
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A laywer would make a perfect substitution.
 

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Posted by redderfreak (# 15191) on :
 
Richard Dawkins?
 

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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
My favourite one-liner, on reincarnation -

'Come back as a hyena, you're laughing'

Mrs. S,
 

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Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Firenze:
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

Drummer goes into a music shop and browses for a while. Eventually he says: "I'd like the red trumpet and the white accordion". And the shop assistant says: "I'm sorry - I can't sell the fire extinguisher, and the radiator's bolted to the wall."

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Did you hear about the bass player that locked the keys in his car?

He had to break the window to get the drummer out...
 

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Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a PE teacher?

An elephant in a track suit who can't do joined-up writing.
 

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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
It said on the news this morning that if you were travelling in icy weather you should take with you a shovel, a blanket, 24 hours' worth of food and water, extra warm clothing, a sleeping bag, a thermos of hot water, a radio to follow news reports and a mobile phone to be able to call for help.

I felt a bit of a prat getting on the No. 24 bus with that lot this morning ....'
 

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Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Dai Jones sang for forty years in the chapel choir. First tenor, see?

Then Dai passed away and found himself in the queue for the pearly gates. Eventually, he reaches the front of the queue and the angel with the big book asks his name.

"Jones, Dai", replies Dai.

"Ah! Dai bach, come on in, you're just in time for choir practice!" says the angel.

So Dai finds himself in the heavenly choir, with St. Peter taking choir practice. Ten thousand sopranos, ten thousand altos, ten thousand basses. Dai Jones in the only tenor, see.

Dai has a wonderful time, singing away as he never did back in chapel.

After a little while, St. Peter stops the choir. "Can the tenors make a little less noise, please!"
 

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Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
What's with all the drummer jokes? I'd heard some of them as bagpiper jokes, to wit:

A piper suddenly remembered he'd left his car unlocked with his pipes in the back seat. He hurried back to his car, and found two more sets had been added...

(But I do have a wonderful coworker here who's also a drummer so.... thanks for the material!)
 

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Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
A dog, wearing a gun belt and a cowboy hat limps into a bar. He says to the bartender: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"


Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.

How about this one?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwane.

Dwane, who?

Dwane the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

(Rim shot!)

Okay, last one and then I'll shut up. No, really!

Why was the ink blot sad?

Because his father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be!

I'm here all week, folks!
 

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Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Dal Segno:
I have CDO.

It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

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quote:

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Originally posted by The5thMary:
A dog, wearing a gun belt and a cowboy hat limps into a bar. He says to the bartender: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"


Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.

How about this one?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwane.

Dwane, who?

Dwane the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

(Rim shot!)

Okay, last one and then I'll shut up. No, really!

Why was the ink blot sad?

Because his father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be!

I'm here all week, folks!

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I know some fourth graders who'd love these.

As did I. Sometimes I'm in the mood for some awful groaners.
 

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Posted by Palimpsest (# 16772) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by geroff:
"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

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quote:

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Originally posted by Darllenwr:
Like Sioni's offering upthread, this is not so much a joke as a rag week prank.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Sir Kevin:

quote:

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Originally posted by Darllenwr:
Like Sioni's offering upthread, this is not so much a joke as a rag week prank.

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What in the world is Rag Week?

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quote:

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Originally posted by TomOfTarsus:
(But I do have a wonderful coworker here who's also a drummer so.... thanks for the material!)

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