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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Euphemisms
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glockenspiel
Shipmate
# 13645
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Posted
I wonder if we could build up a whole dictionary of euphemisms between us, a handy guide for the young plain-thinking person ...
I'll go first ...
"I'm working from home" = I'm not working.
[ 13. February 2013, 20:11: Message edited by: Ariel ]
Posts: 1258 | From: Shropshire | Registered: Apr 2008
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Meerkat
Suricata suricatta
# 16117
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Posted
"I'm working from home" = "I got so drunk last night I dare not drive this morning"
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Simples!
Posts: 160 | From: Herts, UK | Registered: Jan 2011
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
"That is a very intresting point of view." = You are insane.
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
"I hear what you say" - and I'm going to ignore it.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
"With respect ..." = I have no respect for you whatsoever
[ 21. January 2013, 12:20: Message edited by: Spike ]
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
"We must learn lessons from this" = a report will be published, soon to gather dust lying on the shelf.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Trudy Scrumptious
BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
"We need to have the conversation around this" (my current least-favourite bit of jargon) seems to mean:
"We have no intention whatsoever of doing anything about this, but we would like to go through the motions of pretending to listen to your opinions."
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Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
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TeaAddict
Apprentice
# 14946
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Posted
"Whilst we value your contribution to this discussion..." = "Butt out, you do not know what you are talking about"
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In the interests of safety, please turn off common sense now.
Posts: 16 | From: England | Registered: Jul 2009
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AberVicar
Mornington Star
# 16451
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Posted
"Let's unpack that, shall we?" = "WTF are you talking about?"
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Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
Posts: 742 | From: Abertillery | Registered: May 2011
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
"I'll take that into consideration"--no, I won't, and why were you fool enough to bring it up in the first place?
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sighthound
Shipmate
# 15185
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Posted
'We must ensure that this never happens again.' = This is a highly embarrassing event. It will happen again, but we hope that by that time you will have forgotten this time and not conclude that we are a bunch of incompetent clowns.
[ 21. January 2013, 14:19: Message edited by: Sighthound ]
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Supporter of Tia Greyhound and Lurcher Rescue.http://tiagreyhounds.org/
Posts: 168 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2009
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
"I'm afraid I have to disagree." = "I'm delighted to tell you how wrong you are."
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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Sighthound
Shipmate
# 15185
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Posted
'Urgent reform is needed' = We need to make the service cheaper and worse so the rich can pay less tax.
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Supporter of Tia Greyhound and Lurcher Rescue.http://tiagreyhounds.org/
Posts: 168 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2009
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
A classic example of this sort of thing comes from Evelyn Waugh's novel Scoop.
"Up to a point, Lord Copper." = "You're wrong, boss."
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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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TeaAddict
Apprentice
# 14946
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Posted
"We aim to improve service by relocating key functions to one location" - "We are laying off loads of staff to cut costs so the MD can continue to pay for his little darlings private school fees"
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In the interests of safety, please turn off common sense now.
Posts: 16 | From: England | Registered: Jul 2009
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
"Whilst we value your contribution to this discussion..." = "You think that, you are clearly an idiot, so we are now more justified than ever in pursuing our original intentions"
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
A business phone answered by computer: "Please listen carefully because we've enhanced your menu options" means "You will have to listen about 50% longer because we've crammed more finicky menu garbage into the old menu garbage".
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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claret10
Ship's Paranoid Android
# 16341
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Posted
I'll do it tomorrow = well as tomorrow never comes, you have no chance of me ever doing it
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Just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does
Posts: 137 | From: Somewhere, nowhere, anywhere | Registered: Apr 2011
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TeaAddict
Apprentice
# 14946
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Posted
"Working in partnership with..." - "Hired by..."
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In the interests of safety, please turn off common sense now.
Posts: 16 | From: England | Registered: Jul 2009
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
'That's a brave decision' . And an incredibly stupid one.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Card placed in hotel rooms: "To conserve water and protect the environment against harm from detergent waste, we will launder your sheets and towels only if requested" = "To increase the profit margin of our parent company, we aren't going to be bothered changing your linen and towels."
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed." = We have removed the option to speak to a real person and lessened your chances of actually receiving any useful information.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
"Please hold whilst we connect you with a operator." = Please hold whilst we connect you to a person who will have no training or information remotely useful and no authority to help even should they work it out.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
A variant on the above:
"All our operators are busy at the moment, however your call is important enough and we will endeavour to answer it as soon as possble" = they've chucked out their switchboard people, put in an automatic answering system and diverted their calls to a Call Centre.
Companies who really believe that your call is important answer within two rings.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
At a job interview:
"Thank you for comning in" = You haven't got the job.
[ 21. January 2013, 17:04: Message edited by: Spike ]
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Or from the Obituaries:
Convivial Bon viveur = habitual drunkard.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
'This child has challenging behaviour' = This child's behaviour is terrible and they are a pain in the neck.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
"Thank you for choosing to travel with us today" = I know there's no choice of train operator on this route but I've got to say this; at least your fares help to pay my wages so I'm grateful for that.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
We need to help the public to manage their expectations. = We are going to do what we have planned, we are taking no notice of anything the public have to say, and they are going to have to put up with it.
[ 21. January 2013, 18:32: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
I'm in essay-marking mode - a fine mode for euphemism. Some of my faves are:
"You have a good understanding of the text" = Retold the story, but didn't answer the question.
"Try to make your quotations work for you" = Don't try to hide the fact that you don't know what you're talking about by quoting vast tracts of secondary sources at me.
"Refer to the text under consideration more closely in future" = Do you even know what the text under consideration was meant to be?
"Please pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation" = I couldn't understand a word you wrote.
"Neat presentation" = You used a fancy font... and that is the only good thing I can find to say about this piece of work.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
"The hotel is 5 minutes from the beach" - if you run like an Olympic sprinter you might make it in 10.
"The hotel is 10 minutes from the beach" - you need a car.
"The hotel is conveniently situated for the airport" - it's out of town and the noise of the planes will keep you awake.
"The hotel is in a vibrant city area" - forget any idea of going to sleep, the ultra-loud music from the clubs, bars and passing drunken tourists will see to that.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
"The hotel room has a city view" = "Your window faces the back alley of the building on the next street over."
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Fun-loving = promiscuous
Ladies man = lecher
Does not suffer fools gladly = evil-tempered bully
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pia
Shipmate
# 17277
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Posted
"No offence, but..." = I am about to say something deeply offensive
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012
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claret10
Ship's Paranoid Android
# 16341
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Posted
hotel is 10 minutes walk from the city = the city boundaries that is - go to end of tram route and 500m up a mountain (happened to me in austria)
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Just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does
Posts: 137 | From: Somewhere, nowhere, anywhere | Registered: Apr 2011
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claret10
Ship's Paranoid Android
# 16341
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Posted
In school report
Popular child = I can't think of anything positive to say about your child, they talk too much and do little work
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Just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does
Posts: 137 | From: Somewhere, nowhere, anywhere | Registered: Apr 2011
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pia:
I'm in essay-marking mode - a fine mode for euphemism.
Feel free to add:
"A well constructed piece of work" = Boring and unpersuasive. Do you know how to use verbs?
"Sophisticated and scholarly" = Lots of long sentences with subordinate clauses and extraneous matter preventing easy comprehension.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Angloid
Shipmate
# 159
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Posted
Revision of Fares = Over-inflation Increase.
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Brian: You're all individuals!
Crowd: We're all individuals!
Lone voice: I'm not!
Posts: 12927 | From: The Pool of Life | Registered: May 2001
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QLib
Bad Example
# 43
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Posted
For your greater convenince ....
....Look, it's more conveninet for us, and we frankly don't give a toss how it affects you.
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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.
Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
A useful one for when you have a manager who actually believes all that management bs -
'That would be a really good initiative, however I feel it is too important to rush.' = That is complete cobblers and I am going to ignore it until -
a - You forget about it
b - You get enthused about some other stupid idea or
c - You come to your senses (this is very unlikely)
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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Traveller
Shipmate
# 1943
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Posted
"This initiative is designed to motivate and encourage staff" = We will load more crap onto your workload and expect you to enjoy it.
"The department has been downsized"* = We have fired half the staff and told the rest they are lucky to have a job at all, never mind that they now have twice the workload and no more money.
* If you want to be really euphamistic, then "rightsizing" is better, more motivational and even more encouraging!
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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33
Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001
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Latchkey Kid
Shipmate
# 12444
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Posted
"We are restructuring." You are about to be fired.
"We have to let you go" We know you don't want to go so we will push you out
"I'll make that a priority" Number 100 is about the bottom of my list.
[ 22. January 2013, 01:24: Message edited by: Latchkey Kid ]
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'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.'
Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner
Posts: 2592 | From: The wizardest little town in Oz | Registered: Mar 2007
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Latchkey Kid
Shipmate
# 12444
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Posted
"Your child is trying" S/he is very trying.
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'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.'
Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner
Posts: 2592 | From: The wizardest little town in Oz | Registered: Mar 2007
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
"I'll let you go now." = "I don't know how to shut you up so I'll pretend that it's you who needs to get away."
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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Cryptic
Shipmate
# 16917
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Posted
I want to support your project = but I'm not going to (Used that one myself today ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif) )
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Illegitimi non carborundum
Posts: 225 | From: Sydney | Registered: Feb 2012
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roybart
Shipmate
# 17357
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Posted
"Let me get back to you on that." = "I lack the courage to turn you down right now."
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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton
Posts: 547 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
I sense a theme, roybart. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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