Ship of Fools: Trepidation before first mass?

Thread: Trepidation before first mass? Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by hugorune (# 17793) on :

About a month ago, I had a sort of 'road to Damascus' moment, following twenty years of confusion and loss of faith, where a sort of flood of certainty consumed my mind, and I knew God was calling me back to follow Him once more (after I was brought up in a Reformed tradition, and confessed my faith, but ultimately walked away from it for a number of reasons). As much as it was a conviction of the mind that was, in some ways, just putting the pieces together that had been building over the last ten years, it was also an emotional experience and it's a little bit awkward trying to explain it - I think most people would think I'm mad.

I commenced a process of working out where I should be worshipping, and I've concluded that the Anglo-Catholic tradition is the right one for me. Discussion with a priest confirmed that they are happy for me to take communion. My first mass will be tomorrow - but I'm wondering if it would be better for me to go up and receive a blessing instead. I understand the significance of the sacrament, but there are two reasons I feel a little bit of trepidation about it (Nerves are not quite the right word). The first reason is that I'm overwhelmed by my guilt for initially turning away from God, and I am not sure that I am worthy of receiving the sacrament (Technically, none of us are, but I feel I have reason to feel more unworthy than most) - secondly, I fear I will be overcome with emotion, and I'm not sure how I can prepare for that.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from and/or have any advice?

Edit - obviously, giving blessings is something this church will do if desired. I only started thinking about it today.

[ 26. September 2013, 08:35: Message edited by: hugorune ]

Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :

I think if you are unsure then a blessing is a good way to go. It might be an idea to have another chat with the priest.

If you are worried about emotions, then a quiet mid week service might be the place to start.

I wish you well.

[ 26. September 2013, 08:38: Message edited by: Anglo Catholic Relict ]

Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :

Try this Love bade me welcome

Posted by hugorune (# 17793) on :

Thanks Thyme. I started crying after I read that - perhaps it helps to get some of that out before the service tomorrow morning.

My grandmother died only this Monday... I know she was a faithful Christian who was praying for me for the last two decades. It was, on top of what I have gone through in my heart mind and soul these past couple of weeks, something that touched me deeply.

I will take the sacrament, unworthy as I am, and say a prayer for her.

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

Believe it or not it is a hangover from your Reformed upbringing. For those who are more "Catholic" and pride themselves on the seriousness they take the sacrament, let me assure you compared to the heights the Reformed tradition has at times gone to, you are beginners.

There is a story told of during the days of Communion Seasons, when the customary preparation was: visit from your elder who'd check your religious state and issue you with a communion token, attendance at special services (held in a tent) every day and fasting during the week only to be met by a list of sins that excluded you from the table at Communion.

The main character is a faithful elderly woman, who having gone through that still doubted that she was fit to take.

The minister on seeing her trepidation said "Take it woman, take it. He died for such as you."

The practice has largely gone, but a shadow memory of this survives in the Reformed tradition and stops people from coming to communion because they do not feel worthy of it. We forget that nobody is ever worthy, and though we should be reverent towards communion, trying to be worthy is actually a matter of pride. Christ's grace will more than cover our failings.

Jengie

Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :

quote:
Originally posted by hugorune:
My grandmother died only this Monday... I know she was a faithful Christian who was praying for me for the last two decades. It was, on top of what I have gone through in my heart mind and soul these past couple of weeks, something that touched me deeply.

I will take the sacrament, unworthy as I am, and say a prayer for her.

It sounds a perfect way to honour her memory and her love and prayers for you. If you do get emotional you can always blame it on your grief for her, she won't mind. Trust me on this, I am a granny.
[Votive]

Posted by aig (# 429) on :

This may be way beyond your comfort zone - but have you considered making a formal confession beforehand - if that is something the clergy are happy to do with you. My own experience is that the sacrament of reconciliation was very powerful in a very similar situation (although it was part of my own tradition).

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

There is a prayer I used to use before receiving Communion. I said it in German, but here is the English meaning.

quote:
Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but say only one word, and my soul shall be healthy.

I've stopped saying that because God and I both know that I'm not worthy, and that he can make me worthy. I don't need to keep saying it. The point of Communion is that God wants to feed me, and I want to be fed.

I pray that your uncertainties will be resolved.

Moo

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

If the rite follows most Anglican traditions, there should be a general confession and absolution before you go up to receive Communion anyway - is that of any help?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it gives you comfort and spiritual uplift.

[Votive]

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :

There's a story that an artist - I forget whether it was Blake or Turner - was approached by a young man who wanted to become the artist's student.

"How do you approach painting?" asked the artist.

"With fear and trembling," said the young man.

"Then you'll do."

Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
There is a prayer I used to use before receiving Communion. I said it in German, but here is the English meaning. [QUOTE]Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but say only one word, and my soul shall be healthy.

I learned this in Latin, pre-Vatican II. "Domine, non sum dignus, ut intres sub tectum meum: sed tantum dic vergo et sanabitur anima mea."

Although the original prayer was said aloud only by the celebrant just prior to receiving the Host, I still say it to myself three times silently, usually to the accompaniment of three sets of tinkling bells. I also strike my breast (discreetly; this IS the Episcopal Church after all) at each repetition.

My version is slightly different from yours, Moo.:

quote:
Lord, I am not worthy to come unto your roof. Only say the word and my soul will be healed.

Moo, you write ...

quote:
I've stopped saying that because God and I both know that I'm not worthy, and that he can make me worthy. I don't need to keep saying it. The point of Communion is that God wants to feed me, and I want to be fed.

You make me ask myself: why do I still say this? I think the answer is that I do NOT always know or feel that I am "not worthy" and need to remind myself. I feel strangely relieved by this ritual , just as one sometimes feels after a sincere confession and absolution, even when the sins confessed were not all that bad.

All best wishes, hugorune, for what will be your First Communion. I hope it brings to you a real sense of God's grace and love, on which you can build your own individual Christian life.

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

quote:
Originally posted by roybart:
sed tantum dic vergo et sanabitur anima mea."

I'm afraid you're asking God to do something quite different from what you intended . . . which surely was "sed tantum dic verbum et sanabitur anima mea."

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

Hugorune, you are right when you say none of us are worthy of receiving the Sacrament. There are no degrees of unworthiness, though. It's binary.

The Orthodox Divine Liturgy makes it clear that the only thing that makes us "worthy" is the Sacrament itself. Before we commune, we pray, "make us worthy" several times. Afterwords we thank God for making us worthy. Then of course we go out and sully ourselves again, but that's not the Sacrament's fault.

If it helps you at all, there is a string of prayers that the Orthodox pray (or should pray) before every time they take Communion to prepare themselves. You might like to use one or more of them, or not; whatever seems best to you. Most of them are very old and have "stood the test of time" as it were. The last one is said by all, in unison, as a sort of "general confession" during the service itself.

Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
I'm afraid you're asking God to do something quite different from what you intended . . . which surely was "sed tantum dic verbum et sanabitur anima mea." [/QB]

Ah! It reminds me never to rely on decades-old auditory memories. Thanks for the correction, Ms. Reckondwythe. My own text, which I've just checked, has it as: "sed tantum dic verbo et sanabitur anima mea"

From where did I ever get "vergo"? A dim, incorrectly pronounced memory of "virgo," which featured so prominently in the Tridentine mass?

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

quote:
Originally posted by roybart:
My own text, which I've just checked, has it as: "sed tantum dic verbo et sanabitur anima mea"

Verbo it is. The explanation given here is instructive if a bit pedantic. Basically, St. Jerome in the Vulgate used the ablative of means (verbo), rather than the more expected accusative direct object (verbum), to imply that God's word is the means by which the soul will be healed.

So the corresponding English translation would read: Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof. But only speak, and by your word my soul shall be healed.

The RC novus ordo mass has the people say, just before communion (or did have them say -- I don't know what the new translation has): "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

Not quite as satisfying as one-on-one confession to a priest who really understands the sacrament of reconciliation, but probably just as effective.

[ 26. September 2013, 19:12: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

In case anyone is interested, here is the German

quote:
Herr, ich bin es nicht wert, dass Du unter meinen Dach kommst, aber sag nur ein Wort, so wird meine Seele gesund

I like the German because what is translated as 'worthy' can also mean 'worth it'. That has given me food for meditation.

Moo

Posted by pererin (# 16956) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:

quote:
Originally posted by roybart:
My own text, which I've just checked, has it as: "sed tantum dic verbo et sanabitur anima mea"
Verbo it is. The explanation given here is instructive if a bit pedantic. Basically, St. Jerome in the Vulgate used the ablative of means (verbo), rather than the more expected accusative direct object (verbum), to imply that God's word is the means by which the soul will be healed.

And he's translating a Greek dative:

ἀλλὰ μόνον εἰπὲ λόγῳ

Now, in Greek it's arguable whether it's instrumental or just pleonastic...

Posted by hugorune (# 17793) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:

quote:
Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but say only one word, and my soul shall be healthy.

That same prayer is in the liturgy we used this morning.

quote:

I pray that your uncertainties will be resolved.
Moo [/QB]

Thank you for that. God helped me across that boundary this morning and I am at peace with it - the ritual was not very different, at least in terms of the words, with what I did in the past. Some of the actions, such as the genuflection and the sign of the cross, are new to me.

I did also feel slightly self-conscious about stumbling through the liturgy of the service (While I had a printout of the mass service, the pacing and order weren't always what I expected), but the handful of other people there were very understanding about it.

[ 26. September 2013, 23:46: Message edited by: hugorune ]

Posted by Olaf (# 11804) on :

quote:
Originally posted by hugorune:
I did also feel slightly self-conscious about stumbling through the liturgy of the service (While I had a printout of the mass service, the pacing and order weren't always what I expected), but the handful of other people there were very understanding about it.

Remember that you are never alone at Mass. Those same prayers have been prayed by countless people before you, are prayed with you, and will undoubtedly be prayed after you. It is no great leap to acknowledge that those prayers are prayed for you, too, especially in those moments when, for whatever reason, you find it difficult to do so yourself. Stick with it. Just be there and absorb it all. The words and the order will grow on you.

Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :

quote:
Originally posted by hugorune:

I did also feel slightly self-conscious about stumbling through the liturgy of the service (While I had a printout of the mass service, the pacing and order weren't always what I expected), but the handful of other people there were very understanding about it.

Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure they've all been in your place before. At my current shack sometimes the deacon will get up and say something along the lines of, "If you're not familiar with the liturgy, don't worry about getting it wrong, just let us carry you along."

Posted by VDMA (# 17846) on :

Dear Hugorune,

I am not so sure what your Anglo-Catholic parish practices in way of repentance and penance. Does the pastor require you to be absolved in confession before you are "worthy" to partake of the Body and Blood of Christ? If so, confess to your brother (or sister, as the case may be) and go forward for the holy gifts. If no such thing is required, be earnest in your repentant prayer to God, beg forgiveness from the loving and merciful Saviour, and approach the Altar of the Lord.

Either way, He is calling for you and inviting you to His Table. Remember that the Lord dwelt and ate with sinners during His time on Earth. His ministry as the divine physician is to those who are sick, not those who think themselves well. You know you have sinned, and you have been drawn back to the throne of grace - the overflowing well of salvation! Thank Christ, and move on up to that communion rail! That is what "Eucharist" means: thanksgiving. Repent well, as you have already done, and then give thanks for the sacrifice of God upon the Cross.

You are risen with Him in Baptism. Do not be afraid. Your guardian angel is with you. The Lord God Almighty Himself is shepherding you to green pastures. Move your butt! [Smile]

[ 29. September 2013, 07:38: Message edited by: VDMA ]

Posted by Gee D (# 13815) on :

quote:
Originally posted by hugorune:
I did also feel slightly self-conscious about stumbling through the liturgy of the service (While I had a printout of the mass service, the pacing and order weren't always what I expected), but the handful of other people there were very understanding about it.

That's the point - it's a service of the faithful community. Others are happy to help those unfamiliar with the liturgy and liturgical practices (at least at our place they are) and you should accept their service with thanks.

Posted by Forthview (# 12376) on :

Moo, just a question but is the German form of the Lord,I am not worthy ... a Lutheran form of the prayer ?
The usual Catholic form for the translation of ';Domine,non sum dignus....' was,at least in Austria
O Herr,ich bin nicht wuerdig,dass Du eingehst unter mein Dach,aber sprich nur ein Wort und meine Seele wird gesund.

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Forthview:
Moo, just a question but is the German form of the Lord,I am not worthy ... a Lutheran form of the prayer ?

I really don't know. I can't recall where I learned it.

Moo

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