Thread: Limericks by Profession Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
Playing a game of limericks one line at a time has been done before; could we try something new?
One person suggests a profession, the next supplies a limerick for that profession, then suggests a new one. For example:

Cartographer:
A sweet young cartographer, named Gloria,
When her boyfriend exclaimed "Let me exploria!"
Replied to the chap
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been to beforia."


Or the well-known plumber limerick:
An eager young plumber of Lea
Was plumbing his love by the sea,
When she said, "Stop your plumbing!
I can hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"


So, over to the next rhymer:

A golf instructor

<small>[ 17. June 2012, 01:23: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]</small>

[ 13. February 2013, 04:37: Message buggered about with by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
Of course, it is altogether possible that no one will wish to take part...
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A golf instructor named Wing
had a mighty powerful swing.
When he taught how to chip
he swung his tight hips
And made many a watcher sing.

Lawyer
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
If you should call a lawyer a shyster
You may wind up knocked flat on your keyster,
Which could spoil your chance
To go to the dance
With a legal-political-meister.

Church growth consultant

[ 17. June 2012, 23:35: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
A church-growth consultant* called Bob
Said, "I've got a marvellous job:
I act on my hunches
over long, liquid lunches
as with bishops and deans I hob-nob."

Next one: Estate agent

* [Confused]

[ 18. June 2012, 00:46: Message edited by: piglet ]
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There once was an estate agent named Dale
Who had too many houses for sale
He tried a big discount
for his customer the Viscount
But was quite unable to prevail

Farmer
 
Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
A farmer's young son, name was Dale
Once lifted a quite heavy bale
of straw o'r his head.
He let go, now he's dead.
Health'n'safety were clearly a fail.

Train driver

[ETA: Apologies for grabbing the same name; must have unconsciously copied it!]

[ 18. June 2012, 03:34: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 
Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :
 
Said Tony when driving his train,
“The braking can be such a pain
I call at each station
The length of the nation
I keep stopping again and again!”

(My old friend Tony used to drive trains but now manages those who do!)

Vet
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
A veterinarian, somewhere from the US
Took to his work a girl he wanted to impress:
"Are you seeing this cow?
I'm totally into nature, somehow."
And then he stuck his fist up its ...

Real estate broker
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
Sorry, that one was already done.

Stock broker then.
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There once was a broker named Smoak
Who lived life high on coke
He would sell an IPO
And watch his money grow
Until Facebook and now he is broke.

Sports Announcer
 
Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :
 
“They think it’s all over!” said Ron
I’m quite sure United have won!”
But a goal came from City
Oh what a pity!
The title race over and done!

Airline pilot
 
Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
A shy airline pilot with piles
who flew in his plane many miles
felt despised and went home
to sit on his throne.
A riled pilot's miles piles can be vile(s).

policeman/policewoman

[ 20. June 2012, 18:41: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
An Alberta hooker, her trade once plied
With an incontinent cop by her side.
Her clients could see
Where the RCM pee,
And enjoy her continental divide.

Pastry chef

[ 20. June 2012, 21:18: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
There once was a chef, whose eclairs
Were so light that they floated upstairs.
His strawberry tart
Was a work of fine art,
As was also his tatin of pears.

Organist [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
A gal from LA, name of Lana
was enamoured of her Vox Humana
Palestrina she trod
"until", said God,
Please play Carmina Burana

civil serpent

[ 24. June 2012, 20:44: Message edited by: Jahlove ]
 
Posted by MiceElf (# 4389) on :
 
A confused Civil Servant named Clive
Reported that someone no longer alive
Had claimed to say that aged 92
He was off sick with the flu
And supporting a family of five.
 
Posted by MiceElf (# 4389) on :
 
oooops... forgot to add the next Profession.

Pharmacist
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
While trying to read a prescription,
A pharmacist had a conniption:
"The writing's so bad,
It makes me so mad,
It might as well be in Egyptian!"

Just to be fair: Doctor/GP
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
A doctor - it could be Kildare
was concerned at the loss of his hair
He invented a cream
which worked like a dream
But made him desire Tony Blair


Rodent Control Operative (ratcatcher)
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
"Ratchatcher" our Rodent Control Operative
Gave the chief of them pests a directive
"You've created plague
Here in The Hague
Go back to Hamlyn! - of which you're a native
."


Televangelist
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
A televangelist called Biffy
Whose liturgy was deeply iffy
Decreed that his show
Down to Dublin would go,
But he sank without trace in the Liffey.

Tennis player (try to be kind ... [Frown] )
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A tennis player named Walls
Got all the right calls
Till he drank too much scotch
and caught one in the crotch
Now he has bright yellow balls

Next: Masseuse
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Ivan was quite the masseuse!
He practiced his art on a moose !
He squeezed it and rubbed it,
Til la moose couldn't stand it;
He reduced the poor moose to moose-juice.

Opera singer
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
An opera-singer called Nellie
Who wanted to be on the telly
Was singing Aida
With none to succeed her
When, sadly, her legs turned to jelly.

Lumberjack

Any references to ladies' underthings will result in instant disqualification. [Snigger]
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There once was a lumberjack named Bates
Who took his ax out on dates
He swung it after too much beer
Thus hit himself where tis dear
And now he just hangs with his mates

Next: Rugby Player
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
There was a Rugby Player who ran zig zag
Whilst being chased by the police in a Jag
Twas just a game
With more of the same
After a rugby match that neither didst bag.


Diplomat
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
A diplomat, whose name was Carter
Who had once been Our Man in Jakarta
Had to leave Indonesia
After suffering amnesia
A disease to which he was a martyr.

Chiropodist

[ 12. July 2012, 02:23: Message edited by: piglet ]
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There once was a Chiropodist and mime
Who thought that toes were sublime
He would rub them and rub them oh so
Then take the odd photo
And now he is doing some time.

Undertaker
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
An undertaker who kicked the bucket
Asked to be cremated in Phuket
Where he last stayed
With his beloved maid
Never returning to  his job saying, "F*** it" *

[ * Slap on P*****'s wrists ? ]
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Computer Analyst

(Sorry for my sloppy post)
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A computer analyst from DC
Was quite good at PC
But show him a Mac
It would take him aback
As all the techies could see

Next: Captain of a Starship
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
There once was a Captain named Kirk
who was really a bit of a jerk.
When he said, "you know, Scottie
You're really a hottie"
He soon found himself out of work.


Rocket Scientist
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There was a rocket scientist named Van Braun
Who work was the talk of the town
Security was tight
But not always "right"
And he could not see what he had written down

Next: Movie Star
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
An ode to the cool western movie star
Who’d casually stroll into a smoke filled bar
Ta dispence with justice
Ta baddy (and mistress)
With large brimmed hat and ruddy great cigar.

Washerwoman
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
The woman who did up the wash
Was heard once to say, "Oh, by gosh!
I am such an old dope,
For I left out the soap
And I thought I was ever so posh!"

Symphonic conductor
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There was a conductor named Hess
Whose scores were always a mess
He had flowing silver hair
His baton was always in the air
But the orchestra was left to guess

Next: Sailor
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
Well hell. Hain't nobody responding.

I'll recite a limerick me daddy taught me as a mere lad.

There once was a sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass
It rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

Somebody outta be able to come up with an original sailor limerick.
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A sailor who sailed the high sea
Once exclaimed with an oath, "Well, I'll be!
Seems like one of my mates,
An old salt named Bates,
Won't be taking the ladies to tea!"

A railroad engineer (locomotive driver)
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
I like Amanda's limerick better; sounds less painful.
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
An old engine driver named Bill
Thought his TV show quite a thrill
It aired in LA
With guest stars: ole!
Sadly it's over the hill...


chartered accountant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When counting other folks money
I sometimes come over all funny
So after the cash
I choose the whip and the lash
And being covered in fresh clover honey!

newsreader
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Anita, newsreader, was hired
But sadly quite soon she was fired;
Those foreign place names
Tripped her tongue and her brains,
Tho her body was muchly admired.

POLICEMAN
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There once was a cop named Yopp
Who wanted all crime to stop
He would pull out his gun
Just to watch people run
And now he is pushing a mop

Next Porn Star
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A certain young porn star named Lang
Was asked if he'd wiggle his thang
If he wouldn't be blamed.
"For sure," he exclaimed,
"It's sure to end things with a bang!"

Archbishop
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There was an archbishop named Jensen
Who caused quite a lot of tension
He had his way often
His tone he never did soften
It seems that tension was his intention.

Clock Maker
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
The clockmaker finished his piece on "time"
Which took him a week to get it to rhyme
That he was to have used
To keep him amused
On his timepiece accompanied with a chime.

Potter
 
Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :
 
Peter, a professional rotter,
Taught young ladies how to potter;
As they worked on his clay,
He would urge "All the way!"
And watch their jugs begin to totter.

Beautician
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I once knew a woman called Black
who loved to apply a mud pack
which dried like a rock
so she gave it a sock
with a hammer to get it to crack!

photographer
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A paparazzi by the name Rossi
Took pictures for the magazine Glossi
With telephoto lens
Of female friends
Then blew them a kiss saying, "Grazie!"

[b]brewer[b]
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
There was an old brewer named Offit
Who tended to drink up his profit
His friends would worry and utter
You'll end up in the gutter
So they put him in rehab to get off-it.

Cooper
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A Scotsman was making a firkin
when he saw his wife wearing a merkin;
it gave him a fright
but she said " 'sall right
I got it to go to the kirk in!"

[Sorry, that was in fairly bad taste]

Lawyer
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
A Scotsman was making a firkin
when he saw his wife wearing a merkin;
it gave him a fright
but she said " 'sall right
I got it to go to the kirk in!"

[Sorry, that was in fairly bad taste]

Lawyer

Which part, "Lawyer", or the rest of it?
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
It's funny you should ask me that...

[Biased]
 
Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :
 
True story:

There once was a pro bono lawyer
Who promised by phone to work for yer...
But on the day he was sought
He was nowhere in court
And wouldn't have known yer if he saw yer.

Librarian
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
One day when at work in the stacks
I suddenly felt like some snacks
some chocolate or chips
or cookies or crisps
but sadly that's one thing we lacks.

IT person
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A master of info technology
Once dabbled a bit in psychology.
He clicked on the brain,
But gave up in vain,
And then tried his hand at zoology.

Gastroenterologist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
His speciality is dealing with guts,
on humans rather than mutts.
He ponders and prods,
deep thinks and then nods,
all about what comes out of their butts!

Goldsmith
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A goldsmith by the name of Gold
Whose future someone had foretold
Re long-term vocation
At his father’s location
He’d end up his days growing old


Barmaid
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
There once was a barmaid called Sandy
Whose skill with the gin and the brandy
Was second to none,
And her cocktails were fun,
And she pulled a superlative shandy.

Bus driver
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When driving the night bus round Gwent
my mind got incredibly bent;
I turned to the right
and followed the light
then ended up somewhere in Kent!

- - - -

Nun
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
There once was a barmaid called Sandy
Whose skill with the gin and the brandy
Was second to none,
And her cocktails were fun,
And she pulled a superlative shandy.

Bus driver

Beer and lemonade? How disgusting ! Fit only for pig swill......but your limrick is lovely [Smile]
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Right, then, nun.

The dotty old Sister Marie
Was way past her prime, don't you see.
She showed up for matins
In velvets and satins
And said, "But I'm off to Paree!"

Cashier

[ 21. July 2012, 03:37: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Each day when tending the cash
I add ten per cent to my stash
but one day my boss
whose last name was Ross
found out and I got the lash!

wedding photographer
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A wedding photographer from Quire
Liked to use lots of wire
Tho by lighting each side
He tripped up the bride
And the glares of the guests were dire.

Editor
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
The wedding photographer who said cheese
Forgot to contend with the breeze
With flapping hair
And prone to swear
"Heavens!...." the rest was in Cantonese!


Trawlerman
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I think we've had a double-post - I'll take Tortuf's Editor:

There once was an editor, Clint
Who couldn't decide what to print
So he summoned his staff
who tried hard not to laugh
When he said, "Come on, chaps, give me a hint".

Now back to Pasco's Trawlerman
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When trawling one day for some cod
I suddenly felt close to God
'twas just as I feared
an angel appeared
and said "Your name shall be Wod!"

- - - -

Banker
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
[Got urgently sidetracked, sorry for the double posting. Apologies to Tortuf]


It was bonuses that made the banker
A totally out-of-touch wanker
When the bank failed
They all got bailed
With gratuities to load up a tanker


Chemical engineer
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A chemical engineer named Greud
Put all kinds of things into food
The food did so well
He thought it was swell
Until a pancake looked up and booed.

Rugby Player
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
In Britain, our football's called rugby,
Our soccers' called football! They bug me!
If you speak of three downs
A Canadian frowns,
In Atlanta, they'd just as soon mug me.

Tour bus driver
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
(this is crude...)

A tour bus driver with Darts*
Was renowned for his thunderous farts
For the beans that he ate
Blew his arse up so great
That his seat was called "Blown-apart!"

*Transit company - Demand And Response Transit Services

Dentist

[ 24. July 2012, 20:33: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Would that be Napoleon Blown-Apart?

I'll get me wrap. [Biased]
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
A lovely young woman had a thrilling
Visit to her dentist for a filling.
Because of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity!
And now she carefully nurses that filling.

Professional baseball player
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
He walks to the plate with aplomb,
Even gives the catcher some room,
For whether home run or "fan",
It don't matter, this man
Is a millionaire, who gives a d---?

Psychotherapist

("fan" is US parlance for striking out)

ETA: Pearlb4Swine, yup, a pun I often use... great minds, all that...

[ 25. July 2012, 13:33: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A Psychotherapist named Mac
Did receive a lot of flak
For his prognosis
Via self-diagnosis
Is it patient - or therapist who's off track?


Strawberry picker
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
A strawberry-picker from Cheam
Came to work with a pitcher of cream
When asked, "why the jug, sir?"
He replied, "I'm no mug, sir -
It's all part of my fraudulent scheme."

We haven't had Schoolteacher yet, have we?
 
Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
A schoolteacher of English in France
with his students did not have much chance:
'You sun of a beach!',
the kids did call each
other - a rebellious, though rather false, stance.

Physics teacher
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
If e=mc2
Relativity ought to be aired
But the lecturer's lot
When faced with a swot
Is more quarks than can really be spared

[dragged in here by Wesley, I propose translator]

[ 26. July 2012, 07:12: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 
Posted by Nicodemia (# 4756) on :
 
A translator from English to French
Gave up work to sit on the Bench.
When faced with a con
He asked "Oui ou non?"
But she answered "please Sir, I'm a wench".


Panel beater
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
What the heck is a panel beater?
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Someone who beats panels. A panel game or a hammer on a bit of heavy metal?
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
A panel beater they say
To safety, no attention did pay.
He found the arc welder
At the wrong end he held 'er
And that's why he's not here today.

Bike mechanic

[ 26. July 2012, 21:57: Message edited by: AristonAstuanax ]
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
The dérailleur had met with a smash
But this man was more than it's match
He deftly adjusted
the parts that were busted
and left it with nary a scratch!

(with "cranky" linky goodness!)

Air Traffic Controller
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
the atc was not a pretty sight
even though he'd won the fight
his screen was all of a blur
and his speech was one long slur
and felt his pants were far too tight


high board diver
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
There once was a diver called Nash
Who made such a hell of a splash
That it drowned the spectators
and two alligators
But the judge just said, "Blimey, that's flash!"

Sticking with Olympic sports:

Trampolinist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When thinking of doing a flounce
I met a far maid on the bounce
as we passed in mid air
we collided, right there!
my manhood she did sadly trounce!

- - - -

yachtsman
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
A yachtsman who floated his boat
In a medieval castle's moat
Hit a sandbar -- surprise!
But in everyone's eyes
It appeared that he wanted to gloat.

Personal Trainer
 
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :
 
A brewer named Merrell
Loved to make beer by the barrel
He used the best hops
His beer was the tops
But it made everyone act feral

While reading to find a unique new profession, I noted that Jahlove didn't say civil servant. She went for the far funnier civil serpent. And no one caught it. So,

civil serpent, it is.
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Um, what's the connection between a personal trainer and a brewer? Miss Amanda doesn't see it, she's afraid.
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
It's the bottom entry on the previous page.

Dear everyone: do pay attention.
And don't hold this against me when I screw up.
 
Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 
Civil Serpent
An adder who worked at MinAg
Found some eggs in a brown paper bag
He searched for the hen
That laid them, but then
Discovered the bird was a Shag


Chiropodist
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
It's the bottom entry on the previous page.

Miss Amanda is so glad you pointed that out. She thought (silly her) that the game was supposed to go forward by responding to the most recent post, not the last one of the previous page. Since she obviously doesn't understand the rules, she'll be retiring from posting now. Good-bye, all.
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
It's the bottom entry on the previous page.

Miss Amanda is so glad you pointed that out. She thought (silly her) that the game was supposed to go forward by responding to the most recent post, not the last one of the previous page. Since she obviously doesn't understand the rules, she'll be retiring from posting now. Good-bye, all.
You thought right. The mild snark wasn't directed at you.
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Well, back to business (and Amanda, please do continue!):

Podiatrist (US version...)

A foot doctor of great renown
set up in our little town!
Soon men on the beat
with tired, aching feet
were aiming to kick his door down!

Snake Milker
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
A panel beater

That's all well and good but wiki really sucks: a panel beater (UK) is a body-and-fender repair man (US). They both take wrecked cars and make them look good again by replacing wings (fenders) and/or pounding out bodywork that is less damaged.
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
There was a snake milker from Guam
who said, "These things can do me no harm."
In his self-absorption
he took no precaution
and now he is minus an arm.

Editor
 
Posted by Nicodemia (# 4756) on :
 
Editing a small local rag
I bellowed "'ts in the bag!"
His worship the Mayor
And a lady so fair
Used the portico for a quick shag

Equestrian
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
One day when riding the dressage
my lover sent me a message
that he'd found someone new
but I didn't feel blue,
in fact I cared not a sausage!

- - - -

Cross country skier
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
She was gliding so sweetly along,
in her mind played a beautiful song,
'til a snow-hidden well,
sent her tumbling pell-mell
And she cried "How could things go so wrong?!"

Shepherd
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
whilst tending my flock one night
i watched an incredible sight
along came the ram
who couldn't give a dam
but his act that night was topflight
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
oops

squash player
 
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
A squash player by name Ken Lumpkin
Got confused and picked up a pumpkin
The notes wouldn't come
So he had to hum
Which makes you sound like a chump, Ken

Next up: Hell Host
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The Hell Hosts are sweet and they're cute
but sadly they are none of them mute
they swear and they cuss
at poor souls like us
but their arguments are hard to refute.

Bit part film actors
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Bit part film actors from LA
Have to wait around all day
Just to say, "hello"
(My dear fellow
Wished we had a bit more say)

Carpet layer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A gay carpet-layer named Pat
[I'm sure you know all about that]
had a boyfriend who
was called Matthew;
Pat loved to lie on his Matt!

Fishmonger
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
The Fishmongers put on a show
You know how it's going to go
Thus sang the chorus:
There's a plaice for us
I'll get me bloater and go.

Pharmacist
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Tablets sold by a Pharmacist
Dispensed with the chemist
Now not needed
And gadget heeded
Irony here's not to be missed.

Bicycle repair man
 
Posted by Pewter (# 16308) on :
 
A repairer of cycles called Bryant
Had a customer who was reliant
Stopping by to be pumped
And his business soon jumped -
Word got out he was stocking a Giant


disc jockey

[ 06. August 2012, 06:49: Message edited by: Pewter ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A DJ who liked playing old tunes
for breakfast always ate prunes;
the same every day
in the regular way
and spent his spare time studying runes.

Bank clerk
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A Bank Clerk from Newark
Worked his socks off at work
Unlike his bosses
Who incurred losses
Their bonuses made him go berserk
 
Trainee Basketball Coach
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Whilst learning to teach about jumping
the guy was caught trying humping
with another man's wife;
it led to some strife
and now at the gas station he's pumping!

psychiatrist
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
With pencil to pad he did think,
How his client's head he could shrink,
Still, neurosis so terrible,
Made the pressure unbearable,
"I need a really stiff drink!"

(Such would likely be the fate of any poor chap who tried to untangle my brain...!)


Chicken sexer

[ 09. August 2012, 13:42: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
A new chicken-sexer called Dick
Was probing the bits of a chick
When he began sneezing
and coughing and wheezing
He said, "Alas! I'm allergic!"

Dustman/garbage collector
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A garbage collector from Brum
was rather too fond of his rum,
when he ran for the truck
he was plain out of luck
and landed flat on his bum!


Software engineer
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
An engineer (Software) who hacked
the hard drives of the old Warsaw Pact
Was found by his bosses
to be "on the sauce". His
employers then told him, "You're sacked!"

Long-distance runner
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When running a marathon in York
I suddenly stepped on a fork
which pierced through my shoe,
the air turned quite blue
and I honestly felt like a dork!


jockey
 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
To control his weight, a jockey
Tried to survive on just gnochi.
When he tired of taters
He tried eating gators,
Which left his spectators all gawky.

American Vice-presidential candidate
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
American vice presidential candidate
Is brought in as running mate
To close the game
And find some fame
Though hoping it isn't via XYZ-gate.


IOC official[
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
An IOC official from Spain
was one day travelling by train
from Moscow to Murmansk,
which caused him some angst,
and the whole way it p***ed down with rain!


Ambulance Driver
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
A meat-wagon driver in Crete,
Spent hours looking for the right street.
His siren a-blaring,
He soon stopped caring-
And parked at a pub, in defeat.
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Sorry- new one:

Brain Surgeon
 
Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 
A cranial techician complained
That she found herself rather constrained
For she said her aneurysm
Was really confusin'
But she hoped that the bleed was constrained
 
Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 
Apologies for the repetition...

*Wanders off to revise...*
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A student revising in hall
called a halt and went to the ball;
he drank lots of beer
fell down on his rear
and told lots of stories, some tall.


Fighter pilot
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Riding aloft into the stratosphere
In his mean flying machine, hear
The thundering roar
To strike at foe
Is Fighter Pilot's mission to instil fear.

(You cannot be Syria-s?)

Mars Rover Operator
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Driving from a long way away
is scary but mostly okay;
but little green men
appear now and then
on the screen waving lethal death ray!


Chartered Accountant
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
You count all the numbers and then
You check them again and again.
And again. And again.
And again and again,
And again and again and again.

Supermarket Shelf-stackers

(And in case you don't think that qulaifies as a profession, tell me - do you know any amateur supermarket shelf-stackers?)

(codefix)

[ 13. August 2012, 15:40: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
P.S. "You fill all the shelves up and then...." is plagiarism, if not cheating.

[ 13. August 2012, 14:51: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A supermarket shelf-stacker called Ben
whilst working used to think about men;
John, Peter or Paul
he thought of them all
but mostly of his boyfriend called Ken.

[no relation to any shipmate]


Waiter in an Italian restaurant
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Giuseppe would sing as he worked -
No pizza or pasta was shirked
Every "O sole mio"
Delivered con brio
But as he was tone-deaf, it irked.

Garden waste recycling operative
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The person who makes your compost
does it at a big personal cost
he does it so well
the results are quite swell.
Now is that a worthy riposte?


Airline Flight Assistant

[ 13. August 2012, 15:18: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
She smiles and says "Welcome aboard!"
And assesses this very bored hoard
of glassy-eyed travelers
crying babies and cavillers
who just want to yank on her cord!

Chimney sweep
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
The sweep came to clean my flue
but he clearly did not have a clue
he said cos he was all of a rush
that he had forgotten his brush
but instead could he flush my loo
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
oops

car park attendant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I helped a guy park his Beemer
his boyfriend, a bit of a screamer,
told me he's from Peru,
which I never knew;
I think he's originally from Lima.


Rocket Scientist
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
he said the ship will get us to uranus
after that i will be very famous
the secret is the fuel
which i think is so cool
packed tight with farts from my anus



lion tamer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As he walked in he patted the cat
which turned round and bit off his hat,
his head went as well,
which wasn't so swell,
and now the cat's looking quite fat!


cowboy
 
Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
He leaped for the saddle, which sadly wasn't there,
And he impaled his pecker in the old grey mare.
The mare gave a high kick
And out popped his trapped prick,
Causing all of the rodeo spectators to stare.

Antiques auctioneer
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A.N. Teak (Absolutely Not Teak?) Auctioneer
Made a killing off of old veneer,
"Old is pure gold
Lot must be sold"
The hoarders fall for it with a cheer

Lighthouse keeper
 
Posted by Morlader (# 16040) on :
 
A lighthouse keeper called Fred
Now stays at home in bed.
'Cause automation
Pays out his pension;
But he still longs for Trevose Head

Pasty maker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A young pasty maker from Looe
made pasties with outsides bright blue;
the insides were green
which was really obscene.
No surprise that he sold very few.


Diplomat
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
the old diplomat he was so shrewd
say something wrong he just booed
but if he got in a scrap
he'd win with his crap
in fact he was one cool dude


country bumpkin
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
An old country bumpkin called Seth
spent half of his life chasing Beth.
They were terribly happy
as mammy and pappy
Until separated by death.


veterinarian
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Sir John Barker who operated on pet
Was not in fact your average vet
Surgeon to top dogs
And underdogs
Is marrying fellow canine he met.
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Jailor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
There once was an old salt, a sailor
who retired to become the towns jailor
but the single bottle of ale
he charged prisoners as bail
meant as a jailor the sailor was a failure!


Shorthand typist
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
she sat alone in the typing pool
but this lady was nobody's fool
when asked 'type this draft'
she replied 'don't be daft'
i'm on strike and working to rule


office bimbo
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Whilst applying her make up at work,
more onerous tasks for to shirk,
she caught someone's eye
but he was too shy;
she thought he was really a berk!


racing driver
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
he came screaming around the last lap
a win here, what a feather in his cap
but as he took the last bend
took the road to southend
oh why did he not bring a map


driving test examiner
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I take valium before I begin
and after I'll have a large GIN;
most people I meet
in car or in street,
don't realise bad driving's a sin!


lawyer
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Message to those with pockets deep
Services here don't come cheap
It's win win win
Where to begin!
As winner takes all (moi), I soundly sleep.


Time share rep
 
Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
In search of the sun, I went saaf.
On returning, 'twas really no laugh
To find my all-over tan
Marred by one patch of wan
Where a sales rep was wrapped round my calf.


Crossword compiler
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Is 5 Across getting you down
or 7 Down making you frown
then please to blame me
because, don't you see,
the tougher the more my renown.


wedding photographer
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Ah! To capture the beauty and bliss
Of the young couple's joyous first kiss!
How wondrous, you see,
no matter how twee,
As long as the shot isn't missed!

Amusement park ride attendant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Hurry up now, two to a car;
sit well back, hold on to the bar;
if a holding pin
breaks whilst you spin
I think you'll all travel quite far!


Mr Universe contestant - not me!
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
A muscular fella named Jack
Was proud of his lovely six-pack
He'd not much of a brain*
And was terribly vain
But his beauty made up for this lack.


*Disclaimer: the only body-builder I've ever known personally also had a PhD

Olympic medallist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
In the Olympics he did rather well,
he led all the way from the bell,
however in life
he created much strife;
I may meet him one day in Hell.


cheque[check] book journalist
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
As you have such a story to tell
Thought to give you a tinkle, a bell
This one's of gold
Are we now sold?
Our circulation it will help to propel.


Professional Mourner
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
For money I'll weep and wail,
I'll mourn up hill and down dale;
for suitable cash
my teeth I shall gnash
and rend garments I bought in a sale.


Quiz compiler
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
'Need help with your quizzes?' asks Ben,
'I can give you a stsrter for ten.
Just yell "Ben! We need ya!"
and, like an encyclopedia,
I'll supply "Who?" "Where?" "How?" "Why?" and "When?" '

Museum curator
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Curios from olde assembled here
Are from a bygone age to revere
Lo I'm now 'past it'
Aka retire in a bit
Ex Curators gather to welcome a peer.

Orator
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The thing about giving a speech
is the need to amuse and to teach;
don't try to harangue
they won't give a dang;
keep it short and they'll think it's a peach!


Florist
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
"I live for my flowers", he said.
'Specially bouquets for the dead.
They're fine in the nave,
And, out on the grave;
But, give me cheap plastic instead.
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Concert violinist

sorry I forgot.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When I stand on the stage with my fiddle
I stay calm by thinking if Sid'll
remember to bring
his baton-ey thing;
if he does we'll be posed with a riddle!


traffic policeman

[spelling, as usual]

[ 27. August 2012, 10:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
If you're zooming along the M4
At speeds of a hundred or more,
If you answer your phone,
You're drunk, or you're stoned,
I'll be there: the strong arm of the law.

Lion-tamer
 
Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 
I were called out to Clacton-on-Sea,
'Cos a lion was seen 'neath a tree
Or so someone thought,
But me – I saw nought,
So it's back to the circus for tea.

D-i-Y shop assistant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Now if you're looking for screws
you may have heard on the news
they're now Euro-sized;
oh, you look surprised
I hope I haven't given you the blues.


meteorologist
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A meteorologist from LA 
Had nothing much to say
"Skies are clear
Am off to have beer
Tomorrow the same, hooray."

Seer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When practicing the craft of prediction
it is sometimes my predilection
to gaze at the stars
from the insides of bars
using spirits for some inspiration!


Taxi driver
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Whilst driving taxis through Benghazi,
Smith said, "Buses- they just make me crazy-
The damned things, you see,
Are as slow as can be,
And I really must go to the khazi!"

Locksmith

[ 28. August 2012, 14:57: Message edited by: jbohn ]
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
If you're wanting a skeleton key
The fella you should call is me,
I'll soon get one cut -
Case opened and shut -
For a not unaffordable fee.

Poet
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The thing that takes all the time
is finding a suitable rhyme
for I think blank verse
can't really get worse;
in fact I think it's a crime!

Cat Burglar
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
The theme for my next little ditty
Must needs be the theft of a kitty
When brought to my knees
By a stolen Siamese
It's hard to write anything witty.


(Deliberately obtuse? Me?)


Football [soccer] referee

[ 28. August 2012, 16:43: Message edited by: Pia ]
 
Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
An attention whore covered in stripes
Is that at which the crowd often gripes.
Bold, he holds up one hand,
Makes a statement quite bland;
He himself is the product he hypes.

Ship's advertising designer
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Ship’s advertising designer, a polyglot
Cartoonist, humourist, artist, the lot
Simon’s the name
Without the sirname
No. 1 that is - who never loses the plot.

Metal worker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Though some think I'm not really the sort
I find metal working really good sport;
I heat and I bend,
long hours I spend
but I try not to get over-wrought!

revivalist preacher

[ 29. August 2012, 03:41: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Revivalist preacher of the TV age
Appears on God (TV) an affluent sage
Targeting the poor
Whom they lure
To sponsor the good life backstage ?

Skyscraper steel-walker/errector
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When walking the girders on high
it's like being up in the sky;
we hop and we prance,
we've been known to dance,
but we still don't think we can fly.


Website designer
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
For a fee I'll make you a page
I said my work is all the rage
when I ask what your selling
you say your not telling
and your not going to pay me a wage


Rented house landlord
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The location is just right for you;
it is near to the schools, church and zoo.
Sure the garden may flood
and turn into mud
but the rent is too good to be true!

check-out clerk in a supermarket
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
I've been here since a quarter to eight
Scanning goods at a furious rate
And it feels now that I
Will be here till I die.
Can I really deserve such a fate?

Saggar maker's bottom knocker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As a Saggar maker's bottom knocker
I rarely have time to play soccer
but when the day's at an end
and I want to unbend
I have a new life as a rocker!

Weaver
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
here I sit at my old loom
not too happy full of gloom
trying to spin a yard of yarn
in my place we call the barn
fear this place will be my tomb


Blacksmith
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's clang on the iron and wham
Which isn't wham bam, thank you Ma'am!
At least I can bend
The stuff to my end,
Which wouldn't be true of the femme.


Postman
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I cycle around on my round
there is something important I've found;
the blessed Royal Mail
is certain to fail
if a postman is scared of a hound!


cold-calling salesperson
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Good day,can I show you my wares
yes they are rubbish but who cares
Oh, your dressed in your nightie
and I'm feeling flighty
can I demonstrate my product upstairs


Bookbinder
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
We have paper or cloth or stiff board,
lots of options here in our hoard,
this quality leather
is light as a feather
and makes bindings fit for a lord!

motorcycle mechanic

[ 07. September 2012, 02:28: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Your recent spill out on the motorway,
Has caused your bike's handling to go astray.
No worries, my dear,
No reason to fear,
For a reasonable sum, problems go away.

amusement park ride operator
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Come ride on the helter skelter
as a ride you'll find it a belter
get sat on that mat
you'll fly like a bat
so fast your undies will swelter



Lifeguard
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Are you waving or drowning, my dear?
If the latter, there's no need to fear.
You may scream, you may bawl
But the pow'r of my crawl
Will bring me in time - I am here!


Dustbin man (Trash collector)

[ 08. September 2012, 15:33: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
There once was a bin man from Kent
Whose vital equipment got bent.
Unloading still fun
Once he'd begun.
That adventurous dust-man half spent.


Sex therapist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Your testimonials dusty?
Tackle increasingly rusty?
Now me- I'm no slouch:
Let's lie on my couch:
You'll rise again if you just trust me.


Income tax inspector
 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
Let me inspect your entry and check that all b fine

Let me check your ins and outs - that nothings left behind.

Double entry s nothing on me.

That's what the desk s for.

Montessori teacher

[ 08. September 2012, 18:25: Message edited by: beachcomber ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Beachcomber, sure as I'm alive
A limerick always has five
lines; though you're small
You can master them all
If you have but the requisite drive.


Bus driver
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Host Fez ON!
Jacobsen, junior hosting is rather frowned upon. In fact, it's not allowed. Knock it off, mmmkay?
Beachcomber, I know you've been told on previous occasions to read the rules in the opening post before posting on threads in the Circus. Please, please, please do this in the future, in every thread you might post on. Please.
Host fez off.

And I apologize for this not being in limerick.

[ 08. September 2012, 21:36: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
Some say that my job must be boring
Always on the same route: never touring
But it means I can keep
The bus going while asleep
As long as I don't begin snoring.

Next up: professional limerick writer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
(Apologies, Ariston. Sometimes I take my fun too seriously)

A limerick writer, as pro,
Must understand rhyming, and so
Will struggle and fight
To get the thing right,
So readers will shout Way to go!


Used car salesperson
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Buy from me for I'm honest Joe
The car I sell really do go;
some just go BANG!
and others you'll prang.
Cash only is the way that I know.

seamstress
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
As a seamstress of healthy repute
I'll make you a lovely new suit.
So even the seams
will match with your dreams
And your boyfriend will think you look cute.


Mortuary attendant

[ 10. September 2012, 16:55: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
You know that you never should blab
About the body that's laid on the slab
But - oh what a shocker!
How he came a crocker! -
He'll never recover, poor dab.

bus cleaner
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When cleaning the buses one night
I saw a quite awful sight;
I was down on my knees
when bold as you please
he gave me a terrible fright!

software engineer
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
The software designer, he speaks
In numbers and letters to geeks.
But thankful I am
For Mahjong and web cam.
I don't care if they're weirdos or freaks.
[Yipee]

Dairy farmer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The Milk Marketing Board is quite crazy;
They think that we farmers are lazy.
They habitually bilk
us of payment for milk
with a rationale morally hazy.


Gardener
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Last season he planted all his seeds
but all he got was a crop of weeds
with all those pesky birds
and foul smelling dog turds
he said next year he'll grow swedes


rag and bone man
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Give me your rags, bones, and scrap,
your hubcaps and mobcaps, claptrap
you've been storing for ages,
bolts, bobbins, birdcages--
to me it's much more than old crap.


next: customs officer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Have you anything to declare?
The green channel is just over there
but if bringing in drugs
you must be real mugs,
our sniffer dogs love a good dare!


Wine taster
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
This one has a poignant bouquet
of peppermint, sawdust, and hay.
I know I should soon
start to use the spittoon
as I'm feeling some wobble and sway.


pet shop owner

[ 12. September 2012, 07:46: Message edited by: Cara ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
We have budgies and dogs and some cats;
we have mongoose and rabbits and bats
and somewhere inside
but trying to hide
we have lots of laboratory rats!


Head waiter
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Be seated, Monsieur et Madame
Our piece de resistance is lamb,
and though there's a war
our menu can score
by never acknowledging spam.


Doctor's receptionist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Are you sure you are really that ill,
or do you just want a note and a pill?
He has no time next week
for flu's at its peak;
if you're private he has time to fill!

fruit seller
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Come down to our strawberry fair,
or buy just a peach or a pear,
or maybe some cherries
or other mixed berries
or bunches of mixed grapes to share.

pathologist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A scientist well trained and taught,
can find life increasingly fraught,
as his sole social topic,
of things microscopic,
when dating, availeth him naught.


Hotel porter
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When I take up your bags to your room
be aware that you to your doom
I'll be around in the night
to give you a fright
and fill your existence with gloom.

dairy farmer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I milk all my cows by machine.
The milk thus procured is quite clean.
When bottled and sold,
Whether red capped or gold,
It's healthy, and always has been.


Train driver
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Whether diesel or 'lectric or steam
the drivers make a great team;
we rarely will fail
to stay on the rail -
Train drivers are really the cream!


Traffic policeperson
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
As a copper, bluebottle or fuzz,
does my job give me joy? Yes, it does!
I feel much aliver
when booking a driver;
It gives my existence a buzz.


Car park attendant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Please take that far north-west bay
then come back to me here to pay;
I'll polish it too
and vacuum it through
now go and have a good day!


novelist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I have an imagination
and am in a situation
where stories just flow,
and the ending, you know,
is preceded by plot complication.


Ear nose and throat specialist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Open your mouth good and wide
I want to just peek right inside;
they're swollen, your glands -
I'll just wash my hands -
from my price list you may want to hide!


plumber
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
There once were a plumber called Brenda
What sank to the depths - an offenda
Who (if tha' wants proof)
Kept mutttering "Oof!"
And besides that, she weren't the reet genda.

Trampoline Instructor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When teaching people to bounce
of energy she gave the last ounce
but when on the Ship
life gave her the pip
indeed she was inclined to flounce!

bishop
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The future is purple, I cry,
There's a mitre which I can espy.
It's not so far off
Just a spit and a cough,
Though conservative types may shout "fie!"


Pastry chef
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
I knew one who made perfect puff -
His clients could not get enough;
But his short was, well, fraught,
And contained what he aught
To have binned long ago. It was tough.

Shirt-cuff finisher
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Are your cuffs getting ragged and frayed?
Is it shaming to see them displayed?
Then bring them to me-
In a moment they'll be
Smart enough for the grandest parade!

Tea-taster
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Give me Lapsang, or Souchong,or China;
Sans Orange Pekoe, I'm a whiner.
Earl Grey you can keep;
It sends me to sleep,
I find trucker teabags much finer.


Piano tuner
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I arrive with my tools and my hat,
move the vase and the flowers and cat;
I sound out a C
which sounds more like B;
my work's cut out here, and that's flat!

stockbroker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I'm either a bull or a bear
My telephone gets lots of wear.
I sell and buy stocks
Trotz* all market shocks
I'm a gainer - who said life was fair?


*Trotz in spite of


Hairdresser
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
She makes those thin, blue-tinted curls
For old ladies that she calls 'girls';
She'll make pink spikes
If that's what yu likes;
While a cloud of hair-spray round you whirls.

DENTIST

[ 18. September 2012, 14:10: Message edited by: Pearl B4 Swine ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My dentist gave me a new crown.
Now I can go out on the town.
When I'm on the razzle,
My gnashers will dazzle,
And frazzle the impulse to frown.


Chiropodist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I sit all the day on a seat
as I earn all my money from feet
I trim and I buff,
I'm never too rough;
it's all so incredibly neat!


Optometrist
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
I tell you your sight is just fine -
I can't stand those clients who whine;
but if you insist,
there's a pessimetrist
who holds court in the shop next to mine...

bird-ringer

[ 19. September 2012, 12:47: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
To work ringing birds I was led
but "It's far to much effort" I said.
"I can't catch the sods,
But it makes no odds:
I'll take up bell-ringing instead."


Churchwarden
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'm part of the Management Team
Keeping all the Parish onstream
I have lots of clout
to sort curates out;
it's really like living a dream!

[Nothing personal to any churchwarden I have ever met but I have heard that there are churchwardens from Hell in some parishes]


Clerk to the Court
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
M'lud is the title in use
For the judge - it's no form of abuse.
But the person who sorts
out the order in courts
is the Clerk - be he red faced or puce.


Public lavatory attendant
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
I work where the big knobs hang out
And I carry considerable clout
My toilets are spotlessly clean
With cleanliness I am very keen
In here we never suffer a drought


school janitor
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The jangle of keys says I'm there
whether weather be rain, foul or fair.
My enormous bunch
when I'm eating my lunch
makes my fellow employees all stare.


Poultry plucker
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
The fevvers fly fast and fall fick,
And I fink I am going to be sick,
For although there's no head,
I'm not sure that it's dead.
Could you pass me that dirty great brick...?

Serpent player (In a baroque ensemble)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The fingering is really quite tough
and some days I've just had enough;
but I'm filled with glee
above middle C
though I admit it can sound rather rough!


crossword compiler
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
I'm down about seven across,
for that word I'm at a full loss
nothing will fit
but I simply can't quit
Will 'XCLZB' get by the boss?

hot (spicy) sauce taste tester

[ 21. September 2012, 16:22: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Tabasco, the thin and the thick
must come under my bailiwick.
Ditto chutney and chili
and hot piccalilli--
a pity it all makes me sick.


map-maker
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
All walkers get lost. That is when
My work puts them on track again.
If you got lost today,
I'd help you - but hey -
I simply can't find my d*mned pen!

Health and safety Inspector
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The Act, you know, says that you must
take precautions else we will bust
you right into court
so really you ought -
don't worry I've often been cussed!


Sports masseur
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You tell me that you've strained a muscle?
I'll sort you out without a tussle.
'Tis done in a crack
And I send you back
To rugaby's hustle and bustle.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
No subject given so I'll choose one [Big Grin]


The life of an All Saints Host
is rather more tricky than most
as we slave away
by night and by day
herding those posters who post!

[Roll Eyes]


Jeweller
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Sorry, WW!

Necklaces, chains, and rings
are beautiful, glittery things
The people who wear 'em
will often compare 'em
Then buy - and their money takes wings.


Professional folk singer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
From one gig to t'other I go
my guitar and mouth organ in tow;
I sing and I play
and alack, welladay,
'tis nothing but hey nonny no.


oyster shucker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My oyster knife is quite vicious;
and some think the oyster's delicious
but the pot has a smell
which puts me off; - well,
I find "delicious," ficticious.


Car mechanic
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When checking your spark plugs or coil
or changing your filters and oil
I first use some grease
[yes, you wish I would cease]
'cos your paintwork it's important I soil!


test pilot
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
This model's a new one on me.
We could easily damage a tree.
I soar, dive and swoop,
Take out a hen coop
And touch down at last in the sea.


Backing singer for a pop group
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'm standing here singing Do-Whop
when I'd rather get out there and bop;
this hand to mouth living
ain't very forgiving
when any day they could give me the chop!


marriage broker
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The task of a poor marriage broker
is worse than the worst game of poker.
Despite all preamble
it's still such a gamble
and all one can play is the joker.


vicar
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Tell people that you are a vicar
And their response could be a snicker.
But what with despatches,
Plus hatches and matches,
I'm slick, and with time have got slicker.


wedding organiser
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The flowers and napkins must match,
the band must tune up with despatch;
the sun must appear,
and the skies should be clear--
it's not working! Can I start from scratch?


clock winder
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Clock winder

Here I am with my special key
Up a tower gasping for a pee
Round and round till it winds no more
this job is rubbish and one long bore
can't wait for my brew at 5 to 3


test pilot
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Don't want to try and step into hostly shoes, but not sure what to do--we've just had "test pilot," jacobsen's gem on that is at the top of this page.

Do we try again on the same prompt or ask pjl for another one?

[ 24. September 2012, 18:02: Message edited by: Cara ]
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
A thousand apologies




sub mariner
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Well, I don't know if I could rise to jacobsen's level - that truly was a gem - so let's just continue the story:

I'm sitting here feeling quite daft
as I bob in my little life raft
'twas the chickens, you see
all over my screen
Got me lost, and oops! I splashed!

If that solves our little dilemma, then let's try

President of the United States
 
Posted by Pewter (# 16308) on :
 
The most powerful man on the earth
Had been asked for some proof of his birth
So he said "I'm Hawaiian
And you know I'm not lyin'!"
As he wrapped a grass skirt 'round his girth

television news anchor
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
(Thank you, ToT for those kind words)


It's my job the link to provide
'twixt news items from far and wide.
Whether tragic or funny,
cold, rainy or sunny,
I'm here, and it's here I shall bide.


Market garden worker
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
We have sprays of Chrysanthemums - that's
Our best seller. And sprays against gnats.
But our tired owner, Dave,
Wants the council to cave
And let him build four hundred flats.

Bodice-Ripper Proof-Reader
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The comedy's played out again;
the hero the lady must gain.
Oh, were it but I
in that story, I cry.
Real life is a terrible pain.


Sewer maintenance operative
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Down here 'neath the streets, out of sight
I'm wading through oceans of shite
And my choice of rude words
When I slip in the turds
Would give anybody a fright.

Film censor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Would you let your servants watch such?
Don't you think it is really too much?
There's far too much sex,
but My God, that guy's pecs
but cut out that shot of his crotch!


Astronaut/Cosmonaut
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
There are cock-stops and s-bends and valves
and I never can do things by halves;
if I skimp on the plan
you-know-what hits the fan,
and I'm in it right up to my calves.


pearl diver
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Oh whoops sorry, I missed some..or everyone was writing as I was....the page didn't refresh, and I saw too late that the sewer maintenance worker had already been dealt with very well by Albertus....

I'll try astronaut, and leave Pearl Diver as the next one, unless someone has done it by the time I post, oh dear....

sorry again.


Astronaut:

Floating around without weight
is losing its glamour; I hate
the way down becomes up
and breakfast and sup
refuse to lie flat on the plate!

Pearl Diver
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
In the warm seas of far-away land
I launch myself out from the sand.
And beneath the water
the pearls that I oughta
bring back, are ready to hand.


Fishmonger
 
Posted by Pia (# 17277) on :
 
If you're after the taste of the sea,
Then come buy your dinner from me.
I've got haddock and bass,
Cod, tuna and wrasse,
And mackerel for Omega-3.


High Court Judge
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
When all else has failed in the courts
and you're left feeling most out of sorts
the High Court is mine;
and my judgement fine
will sort out your pleas, wills and torts.


Football team manager
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
For managing a team like ManUre
there surely must be a cure;
I felt really shitty
being beaten by City
and should bury the team in ordure!

pharmacist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
They nag me for potions and pills
lamenting at length of their ills--
a shame it's forbidden
to slip something hidden
and lethal inside my capsules.


line-down-middle-of-road painter
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I trundle along in my truck
the traffic behind me gets stuck
as I paint a neat line
with materials fine
but I doubt that they wish me all luck.


waitress in up market teashop
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
If Madam will please take a seat
at this table, so charming and neat,
our gateaux, she'll find
are quite to her mind,
and our Lapsang just cannot be beat.


Proof reader of children's books
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
If I read of wizards again
my poor heart may not take the strain;
there must be more themes
in consciousness' streams
that will put less strain on my brain!


Encyclopaedias
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Look up, my dear Wubbers, I pray,
in an encyclopediac way,
the detested wizard
which sticks in your gizzard,
and see what the book has to say.


Dentist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
An X-ray, three fillings, a cap
and a brace for closing this gap?
Now open quite wide
let me get inside
this needle will make you feel crap!


Rock Music
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Where are my earplugs? And why
can't I make out one word that this guy
is frenziedly screaming
while rabid fans teeming
are holding their cellphones on high?


trapeze artist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A guy on the flying trapeze
will swing back and forth with such ease.
But should he lose his grip
falling arse over tip,
he'll no longer be the bee's knees.


Estate agent
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Window shopping for a new home
makes my imagination roam,
think of new places,
friendly new faces -
somewhere, perhaps, with a dome?


History
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
(I'll take that as Historian)

Alas! They say I'm a bore,
That it's musty old books I adore!
but hist'ry's replete
with feat after feat,
And scandals to titillate e'en more!

Whirling Dervish
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Round and around I go,
Till my robes make a spiral flow.
A dervish must whirl
in a ceaseless twirl
though the movement itself is quite slow.


Trappist monk
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
.
.
.
.
.

Dominican friar
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A friar working a fryer
created his own funeral pyre
by boiling the oil
until it did spoil
making the whole place catch fire!


cartoonist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
My pen hovers over the page--
it's a strange way to garner a wage,
to draw with such flair
and, succinctly, take care
to be witty and clever and sage.


jeweller

[ 29. September 2012, 11:40: Message edited by: Cara ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I work much with such precious metals,
To create earrings, necklaces, et als
in saphires and pearls -
for old and young girls -
and frequently fashioned like petals.


Bellringer

[ 29. September 2012, 12:04: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Ringing the chimes late at night
sometimes gives neighbours a fright
they think that our bell
comes straight out of Hell
and in court the noise regs would cite!


Percussionist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Others may puff, blow, or strum;
I prefer banging the drum,
clashing cymbals as well,
making noise fit for hell,
on and on 'til kingdom come.


dog groomer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Your poodle is ever so sweet;
I groom him - his head, tail and feet,
treat him like a hedge,
and this is my pledge
to clip him until he looks neat.


Chiropodist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
[unashamedly pinching jacobsen's rhymes]

I spend all my day trimming feet
and making them look nice and neat;
I polish and buff
get rid of what's rough,
sometimes an incredible feat!


Seismographer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I measure the strength of the rumble
subterranean when the earth's tum'll
belch, fart and cough,
then the lava kicks off
and the tectonic plates start to crumble.


midwife
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I love the slap and the scream
while mum's lying drugged in a dream;
I pick it up by its toes,
clear the muck from its nose;
it's all being part of the team!


choreographer

[ 02. October 2012, 07:25: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Let's dance to the music of time
I will write you a sequence sublime
Just look on the bright side
and keep on my right side -
at least it is rhythm, not rhyme.


weaver

[ 02. October 2012, 10:04: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I do it the old-fashioned way
with a shuttle and loom; first I lay
down the warp threads; then, deft,
start to weave in the weft,
over, under, again, day by day.


matchmaker
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
She said she'd been left on the shelf
a woman of considerable wealth
her hair was blonde and eyes of blue
I couldn't help but cry yahoo
fixed her up with yours truly myself


Good samaritan
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The poor chap was left in the road
Both beaten and robbed of his load.
But I did the right thing
and it was no light thing.
Of operandi it's my mode.


time share salesman
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Have I got a great deal for you!
Beaches white, seas azure, skies of blue!
And for one whopping price
You can have it this nice
But only for a week; maybe two!

Hit man (organized crime)

[ 02. October 2012, 19:43: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
If there's a contract you want to take out
then I'm your man with no doubt;
with gun, knife or rope
they just haven't a hope
but I'm not very good with a knout!


Electrical line man
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
This may come to you as a shock
when so many firms are in hock;
to your cooker and shower
I control the power,
but never apply a power lock.


road sweeper
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I stand and lean on my brush
and you all dash past in a rush
I do not feel bitter
as you all drop litter
but laugh when you fall on your tush!


Deep-sea fisherman
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A fisherman trawling the sea
is working as hard as can be.
Cod, haddock and skate
are brought to your plate;
at least one person's grateful - that's me.


ventriloquist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I cast my voice hither and yon
until it is practically gone;
i'm a child, I'm a dog,
and quite soon I've a frog
in my throat, but I go on and on.


florist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My shop is a positive bower
of blossoming plant and flower.
But some plants are strange
and hard to arrange;
the triffids make customers cower.


deep sea diver
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
I hope to get home very soon,
but I may as well be on the moon!
Seems this dive never ends,
'n if I don't want the bends
I'd better not surface too soon!

rhinoceros inseminator
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A magnificent sample am I
Of a rampant male rhino - not shy,
but keen to impress
and with children to bless
the rhinocera I've in my eye.


zoo keeper in the insect house
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Though my charges may be rather small
and I am, let's face it, quite tall
I still give them care
as well as I dare
for really I do love them all!


mortician make up artist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
There's never a twitch or a squeak
as I touch up a lip or a cheek.
Their expression facial
to touch can be glacial,
but really the dead are quite meek.


drain clearer
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Oh, the things people put down the loo!
Very much more solid than poo!
But I get them all out,
With a triumphal shout,
And embarrass the homeowner, too!

phone book proof reader
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
From A to Zed (or Zee)
it has all been checked by me.
The numbers I know,
addresses also,
so now there is nowhere to flee.


writer for adult magazines
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's not that my writing's obscene,
just about deeds not usually seen.
Horizontal gymnastics
in poses fantastic
might even be thought of as clean.


and, continuing the theme of purity...

launderette (laundromat) manager
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Our machines are really world class;
get clean clothes for a small bit of brass.
Relax, have a chat,
keep control of that brat
or I'll tan him right on his ass!


Interior Designer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Your room is quite passé my dear,
It radiates gloom, doom and fear.
Just sign this blank cheque;
I'll transform this sad wreck
into ambient uplift and cheer.


carpenter
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
I saw you repairing the stair
Your eyes nailed me, I was so aware
That your passion was plane
What's the drill? All is vain
It's a fantasy screw. Couldn't dare.

Risk assessor
 
Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
My labor’s to minimize loss
For companies, peon to boss.
Yet nobody asks,
As I carry out tasks,
Whether I give so much as a toss.

Circus ringmaster
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Top hatted and booted, I stand
in the circus ring, with whip in hand.
The horses go round;
it's all to the sound
of a raucous and out of tune band.


bird sanctuary manager
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
They fly here seeking some peace
on this land, of which I hold the lease
then twitchers appear
with cameras and gear;
a quiet racket that never will cease!


Dictator
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I say you will do as I say,
refuse and revolt as you may.
Dare to object
and you'd better defect;
you're risking your life if you stay.


constitutional monarch
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
My husband and I have great pleasure
in acting with suitable measure;
I may be the Queen
but that doesn't mean
I am not a National Treasure!


Post Office Clerk
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
I weigh up your mail in a trice
And sell you the stamps, what a price!
Then it goes in my sack
And you'll ne'er get it back
Where it ends up? A throw of the dice!

Sous Chef
 
Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
What's hotter, my heart or this kitchen?
My roux will fall short, despite bitchin'.
I'll rescue this dish
If it be my last wish,
For my passion for food has me itchin'.

Lawyer

[ 09. October 2012, 00:35: Message edited by: Porridge ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I stand in front of the court
in tabs and a gown as I ought
I feel kid of cute
as under my suit
I wear lace panties that I just bought!


Brain surgeon
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
They say the brain feeleth no pain,
but when I operate on the brain
it could cause a vortex
in some poor old cortex,
but then, they say, no pain no gain.


riding school instructor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Knees in, chest out, sit up straight
now gently go round, figure eight,
next try a small jump,
just over that bump;
see you next week, don't be late!


Headteacher in a secondary/high school
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
They tell me the plus of the job
Is no longer controlling a mob
of rebellious yoof,
but, frustration's the troof,
to the point where it just makes you sob.


school keeper (janitor)
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I jingle my fat bunch of keys
and love it when they ask me, "Please
open this door, or that,
show us where, why, and what..."
--true power's mine, everyone sees!


glider pilot
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
In silence up there in the sky
as birds and clouds wander by
I twist and I turn
and feel that I earn
these moments that give me a high.


ambassador
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My job requires buckets of tact;
Without it I'd surely be sacked.
Professional pride
hides what's really inside;
In fact all that tact is an act.


poet
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Urged on all the time by my muse
I take care of the words that I choose
and scansion and meter
to make it all neater;
such a shame that it's no earthly use!


lieder singer's accompanist
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
I try to acquire the knacks
Every 'companist knows that he lacks.
"You're too low! That's too high!"
The diva will cry
So he just has to play in the cracks....

Washing-machine mechanic
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You say that your washing machine
is no longer keeping things clean?
I'll bet it's a switch;
I'll give it a twitch -
the job pays well - that's why I'm keen.


bottle washer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I swish water inside them to clean
out the dregs; take the brown and the green
with a clinkety clank
to the glass bottle bank
--did we really drink that much last e'en?


dustbin man (or person)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
To go round emptying bins
full of rubbish and bottles and tins
quite often unsorted,
it must be reported,
then home to drink several GINs.


professional layabout
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
Observing the world is my aim,
'Surveillance' is my middle name;
Some say I'm a slob,
And sleep on the job,
That's part of the skill in this game!


Health and Safety inspector

[ 13. October 2012, 19:49: Message edited by: EtymologicalEvangelical ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Risk assessing is what I am for.
Fire extinguishers and the fire door
must all be in place
with plenty of space
for the fleeing to exit each floor.


hotel doorman
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I stand here all dressed to the nines
minding doors for the folks here what dines
but what goes unsaid
is at heart I am a Red
and I think you're all capitalist swines!


Foreign exchange trader
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
The dollar is now on the rise,
it struck me as quite a surprise...
so sell them I must,
or else I go bust -
for gamblers that's not very wise!


A sewage worker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I splish and I splash and I splosh
through unspeakably unpleasant wash.
The murk and the stink
to sanity's brink
would bring me, were't not for the dosh.*


*money, pay


candle maker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The price of wax and of wicks
rises all the time, never sticks
but I'll continue my part
and practice my art
as long as the cash register still ticks!


manicurist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
From pinky to index to thumb,
all digits to my wiles succumb.
Their colour I'll change
to your choice of the range
be it scarlet or purple or plum.


lion tamer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I never will brandish a chair
to make my cats meekly sit there;
with a fierce look I quell
all their tricks, cast a spell
with the sheer force of will in my stare.


water-cress girl

(Inspired by Judith Flanders's book about London in Dickens's day and the many street sellers)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My cress is tuppence a bunch;
it goes so well with your lunch,
with cold meat or hot,
whatever you've got -
at breakfast or even brunch.


crossing sweeper as in Dickens
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Sweeping this dickens of a road
I suddenly saw a large toad,
it sat there and croaked
then sometimes it smoked;
the signals it sent were in code.

petrol/gasoline/filling station attendant
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
This swindler is shrewd and he's slick;
he won't pull it out at the click!
For well does he know
to make it o'erflow
it's more cost to me. What a trick!


Shakespearean actor
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I once was the lead in Othello;
my interpretation was mellow.
The stage was well lit
though acoustics were shit,
which forced the star actor to bellow.


Desdemona
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Losing her man was terrible dread
but jealousy raised it's ugly head
he loved his woman
but was only human
and Desdemona ended up dead!

stone mason

[terrible scansion, sorry]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I chip away little by little
at stone that is far from being brittle.
The work's hard and slow
and people below
can't distinguish the details I whittle.

(ok, I think you whittle wood, not stone, but..poetic licence?!)

truffle hunter
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It tends my feelings to ruffle
when I've developed a snuffle
that sniff as I may
throughout the whole day
there's never a hint of a truffle.


enameller
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Enamelling a brooch or a pin
I surely know where to begin
but the people who buy,
not as gifted as I,
drive me, quite frankly to GIN!

Steel foundry man
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
In the hot foundry we lurk
the men who do steel foundry work.
We sweat and we strain,
though sometimes in pain,
but rarely are tempted to shirk.


manicurist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I file and I snip, and I ease
your cuticles back till they please;
I'll paint varnish on--
cherry, watermelon,
aubergine--or a mixture of these.


writer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Robert Clive started life as a writer
but his fame's from his time as a fighter
up country and down
in mofussil and town
the fighter was an 'orrible blighter!


theatre director
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The actors won't do what I say,
spear-carriers walk the wrong way;
the props man drops each prop,
and the playwright won't stop
behaving as if it's his play.


chorus girl (or boy)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Step, kick and turn, then repeat,
be certain to follow the beat.
My arches are falling,
and supper is calling,
but I'm not admitting defeat.


lighting rig operator (theatre)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The gels and the floods and the spots
and the wiring all tied up in knots;
the director is mad
the actors all sad;
it's me should be calling the shots!


Sports team captain
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
We're looking for goal after goal,
as each team member searches his soul
for techniques and tips,
and dodges and dips
for the edge - which does take its toll.


nursery nurse
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I used to think babies were sweet
but now, as they constantly bleat,
and whimper and whine
it's quite out of line;
a large GIN, and please make it neat!

Blacksmith
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I strike while the iron is hot
and hammer until it is not,
making horseshoes and nails
and handles for pails
using craft that most folks have forgot.


park litter-picker-upper with those pincer things
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I walk about picking up litter
I think thoughts, some sweet and some bitter
about squirrels and cats
and sometimes of bats
and many another poor critter.


Supermarket shelf stacker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I work with packets and tins,
Put deep frozen food into bins.
The shelves that I stack
Have knackered my back;
It's untrue that who stacks shelves, wins.


etymologist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Seeking the origins of words
is really a job for the birds;
in the choice of careers
it bores me to tears
and my colleagues are terrible nerds!

[no offence to anybody, I've never met an etymologist though I know a fair few philologists]

Baker
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
I spend my career kneading dough,
depends how you write it, you know!
Buns, cakes, Bakewell tart,
And bread, that's an art,
I really put on quite a show!


Mayor of London

[ 24. October 2012, 17:55: Message edited by: EtymologicalEvangelical ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The Mayor of London's Show
Is really the place to go
Grandees in succession
Make up the procession
With lesser officials in tow.


street sweeper
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
For years, my back has been bowed,
By sweeping the streets up to code.
But it's true, I must confess,
I prefer cars to horses,
At least they don't %^$# in the road!

Ship Host/Admin [Biased]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I think I'll let someone else tackle this one.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
A licence to moderate posts
is what is bestowed on our hosts;
they read all the stuff
till they've had enough
of purg, heav'n or all that hell boasts.


disc jockey
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'm one guy who plays you good sounds
the best that are doing the rounds -
the same songs all night?
A bit of a blight;
I'd sue you if I had grounds!

Filing clerk
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
This paperwork's wearing me down
All the more, after nights on the town.
It's sending me crazy.
I want to be lazy!
Or failing that, maybe a clown?

Potter
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My hobby is to decorate
a mug or a bowl or a plate.
The bowl it is thrown,
the kiln up is blown;
I'll be at the job until late.


jeweller
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
A diamond or ruby in gold
will repay your investment ten-fold
as you watch with delight
the play of the light
on its facets....another one sold!


doctor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
If sometimes you feel rather ill
trust me to give the right pill
or medicine vile
to cure cough or pile;
then wait until I send you the bill!


caterer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You seek a buffet for how many?
No problem, for we'll cope with any;
And all who are there
Will delight in our fare,
Though it may cost you a pretty penny.


luthier
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'm famous as a maker of lutes
but my brother prefers making flutes;
spending time instrumental
can be detrimental
to the cooking of edible roots.


trade union shop steward
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Is your manager giving you gip?
Is he too fond of cracking the whip?
No problem, just shout
Tools down boys, all out!
It’s the best way to give him the slip.


Bra-fitting shop assistant
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
If I may put the tape round just here
Below the bust - please have no fear.
Your over the shoulder
Boulder holder
Will fit; it's the latest cool gear.


circus clown
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Everyone thinks I'm so sad
when really I'm just raving mad,
my make up so bright
gives kiddies a fright;
they just think that I'm bad!


Master of Foxhounds
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My horse takes me off and away
As the hounds have the fox soon at bay.
The fox it is found
Stone dead on the ground
Dismembered by hounds, ain, twa, trey.*


*they're Scottish hounds


Master of the Queen's Music
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Her tastes I just cannot confide
but with music I keep Ma'am supplied;
plus fanfares at times,
and a series of chimes
when the corgis must be sent outside.


trumpet player
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Though some people think I am crass
others just think I'm an ass
but I'll continue to blow
pitched high and low
because all that it takes is some brass!


Astrologer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
By the stars may your fortune be told,
Though some charlatans may have sold
With morals most pliable
Forecasts unreliable
And traded their ethics for gold.


ploughman
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
Up early I'm out, rain or shine -
my job is to carve a straight line,
through wet mud and weed,
a trench for the seed;
'tis hard when hung over with wine!


Double glazing salesman
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I'll beat any offer you've had;
To refuse my advice would be mad.
A plasticised frame
Will enhance every hame*
You'll agree the change cannot be bad.


*Scottish for home, but the salesman's claim holds good south of the Border.


taxidermist
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Come to us to have your pet stuffed
and her appropriately fluffed;
she'll look very real
after our acts of zeal -
even her claws will be buffed!


psychiatric nurse
 
Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
There was a young night nurse called Fred,
Who specifically treated the head:
He got so stressed out
That he started to shout,
And ended up in the next empty bed.


Crab fisherman
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A sideways momentum I find
Is the crustacean version of blind.
It aims to deceive
And make me believe
That to capture a crab is unkind.


road mender
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
With the public, I've taken my lumps-
They say I turn holes into bumps!
And their comments - so mean!
As on my shovel I lean -
Oh, wait! Is it time for lunch?


mattress jumper

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
You've heard of the Princess and Pea
and wonder'd such discomfort might be;
if you want to find out
without any doubt
then DON'T buy a mattress from me!


Ticket inspector on bus
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
"Fares, please!" was the conductor's cry
As collecting the dosh he pushed by.
Now passengers push
In a single file crush
Past the overworked driver, poor guy.


Bank president
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Founder and president, that's me
made rich by collecting our fee,
foreclose and sell on
and those suckers are gone
I watch our account books with glee!

diamond miner
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
If I see a gem, I don't pass it,
My policy is to amass it.
And then flog the lot
Till all that I've got
From the sale of those facets is assets.


quilter
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Here's to my wife, a great quilter!
Her squares are ne'er out of kilter!
Then we snuggle together,
so the cold winter weather
is repelled - praise the good Lord who built her!

Forest Fire Lookout
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I sit in my tower in the sky
I look down on the woods from on high
hoping no spark
or kids on a lark
will cause my dear forest to die!


telephone software support person
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
'(Telephone) software support here'
"Reading from your script, Mr Heer?
The name's Wyatt
Hardware is quiet
Beer accidentally went down, o'er 'ere"


[how they get treated? sometimes perhaps]

Election Leafleteer


[sorry, late edit]
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
Though my candidate now is in jail
For sending a bomb through the mail,
I continue to hand out
His photo (a standout!)
And hope that he still will prevail.

Entomologist
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
It bugs me having bugs on my pc
Entomologist I'm - not an Analyst u_c
I analyse insects
Though they're pests
They're not in the manner pc's are for me.

Kung Fu Teacher
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Well. I know nothing about kung fu or the teaching of it, but the game must go on!

I make them all call me sensei
and tell them they're not here to play;
they must spin, kick, and punch
and develop a hunch
for when harm might be coming their way.

weaver
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I manage the warp, woof or weft,
Criss crossing yarns till none are left.
Since gifts I create
Both early and late,
Recipients ne'er are bereft.


scullery maid
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
A privileged, elegant fop
Hoped to start his career at the top.
One can only surmise
His alarm and surprise,
When they passed him the bucket and mop.

Silence
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
"Silence in our factory ain’t gonna work,"
Said Silence Co-ordinator Minnette Wark.
"Noise from machines
And not enough screens
Entails environment continuing to irk."


Tea Taster
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
I shlurp them I swirl then I spit.
Then I wash out the stalks and the grit.
Then I leave youy bereft
After reading what's left,
For your fortune's a whole heap of rubbish.

Parisian taxi-driver

[ 22. November 2012, 14:17: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
C'est impossible! Charging you less
would be such an act of faiblesse
I'd look like a fool,
and besides, it's uncool
not to extort the full peau des fesses.


hot air balloon pilot
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
fesses?


The voyage is silent and swift
As with hot air currents we drift.
But help! I can see
We have parked in a tree -
If confined to this branch, I'll be miffed.


Telephone engineer in grateful recollection of the guy go got my landline and broadband going today. [Overused]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
fesses?


The voyage is silent and swift
As with hot air currents we drift.
But help! I can see
We have parked in a tree -
If confined to this branch, I'll be miffed.


Telephone engineer in grateful recollection of the guy go got my landline and broadband going today. [Overused]

Not sure, jacobsen, if you're questioning my use of slightly vulgar vernacular, or asking for the meaning! In case it's the latter, les fesses is buttocks, and la peau des fesses or "the skin of one's buttocks" is a French way of saying "an arm and a leg." !
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Just wondered what it meant. Thanks for the translation.

Telephone engineer

[ 23. November 2012, 08:27: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Telephone engineer on Sandy's trail
Was met with a shower of hail
 From his wife Mandy
Who downed brandy
Then raged: going off the Richter scale.

Rescue
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
With ladders and winches and boats
rescue crews salvage kittens and goats;
they save people in trouble,
battle storms, dig through rubble,
heroically earning our toasts.

(apologies for off rhyme, got stuck!)


barista (making espressos etc)
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
East End Barista Charlie Easter
Liked to joke he was a Barrister
When asked, "Really?"
He'd say, "Clearly!
My other job's making Expresso, Mista."
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
What profession do you propose for the next limerick, Pasco?
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Hi Cara,

Sorry, forgot to add the following:

Alternative Medicine Practitioner
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Breathe deeply and hold out your arm;
My needles will do you no harm.
Your chakras will glow,
And you will soon know
Accupuncture has a certain charm.


Obstetrician
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Trying to make sure everyone has a chance to play, but it's about time....

Helping the baby come out
is what my career is about;
getting it in
whether in wedlock or sin
was more fun for the mum, there's no doubt.


glider pilot
 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
To begin, you pick up a map,
and, giving the speedometer a tap,
preparing to fly,
and steer through the sky,
the trick is: try not to flap.


film director
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
CUT!!!!!! said the Film Director on set
As Technicals problems here beset
To cut actor free
Roped onto tree
Tis blunt knife made actor to fret!

Hot air balloon pilot
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Re above:

Technicals problems should read Technical problems. Sorry.
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
"It's my dream," said the Vicar of Rye,
To preach while aloft in the sky.
My theology's steady.
My hot air is ready.
Cut the rope! Here I go! Do or die!"

Tax auditor
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Don't think that a cheat or a scam
Will fool the expert that I am.
Your sad little ploys
To me are but toys;
Look out for a penalty -WHAM!


shoemaker
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I do it the time-honoured way
with leather and last; but you'll pay
for my custom-made shoes,
and you will not refuse
once your feet have them on just one day!


valet (not to park cars, but Jeeves type...)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
If Sir would but incline this way,
I'll get him turned out for the day,
In lounge suit and spats,
And the coolest of hats
With a tie to make girls swoon away.


nanny
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Trendies call us Nan, short for Nanny
Nan here meaning also, granny
Mostly we’re young
Sprightly and sprung
Travelling afar, to every nook and cranny.


Spinnaker maker
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Looking for stuff for the sail at the front
Searched high and low so gave up the hunt
But looking to larboard
Noticed some cardboard
And now my boats as fast as a punt


Newspaper cartoonist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Better than others by half,
My cartoons make everyone laugh.
Lampoon politicians,
T.V.chefs and morticians -
It's only the victims who barf.


doctor's receptionist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
You want to see Doctor? You jest!
I've just fobbed off a dreadful old pest
who insisted her bunions
were bigger than onions;
your piles do not pass the test.


(Oh dear, sorry, this just wrote itself!! Apologies to all doctors' receptionists and anyone who suffers from the ailments mentioned...)


chiropodist
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A specialist in the care of feet
Was someone I was to meet
My achilles heel
It wouldn't heal
His was his inability to treat?!

shares dealer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My only job is to invest
Your money in shares of the best.
A dividend then
Will be issued when
Values rise, for an investment fest.


IT maintenance person
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Without me you haven't a clue
of the complex manoeuvres to do
when your whole system locks
or your firewall blocks--
must you must wait your turn. Toodle-oo!


pastry chef
 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
With flour and sugar I bake
tiny tarts, meringues, cream cake.
Towers of tuile
with crystallized peel,
but I’d rather just have a Flake.

mafia boss
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
oops just noticed a typo in my last.

Final line should read:

But you must wait your turn. Toodle-oo!

Sorry!
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You could hardly call it a job,
Since I'm king of an illegal Mob.
We kill and we steal,
And make traitors squeal
And all for a dishonest bob.


madam
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
My girls are la creme de la creme
just watch as they lift up a hem;
if you want to see more
don't call her a whore
just pass over some gold or a gem!

Laundress
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Ode to the Laundress, our Bess
Doing loads more for lot less
Bar gained here
Bargain there?
Saving dosh on the wash, bless!

Soothsayer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Some say my sayings are sooth
but I just try telling the truth
as I see it unfold;
I try to be bold
but people're always asking for proof!

domestic help
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I try to stay calm, but I must
say your house is so covered in dust
that I just cannot cope,
and I really do hope
you'll forgive me--I'm off, in disgust.


fish and chip cook
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Though some think I'm mad as a hatter
I think the secret's the batter
which, if made with beer,
is sure to bring cheer
though those eating may sometimes get fatter!

driver of an underground train
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
'Mind the gap,' is the regular cry,
As through darkened tunnels we fly,
With headlights a-blazing
Our speed is amazing,
And look- the next station is nigh.


door to door salesperson
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Do you want a brush or a broom?
or something to sweet scent a room?
or perhaps a nice duster
would somehow pass muster
or something to help your son groom.

Falconer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
My beauty is tranquil and good,
she sleeps when she's under the hood.
But when I release her
then nothing can please her
but catching her prey, as she should.


candy floss [cotton candy] maker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Would you prefer white, or the pink?
Please chose - so, which, do you think
Would flatter your palate -
It won't hurt your wallet,
And costs far, far less than a mink.


plantation cotton picker
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Plantation cotton picker
Served to aid city slicker
He paid the price
To subsidise
City-wife's (luxurious) nicker.

Nicker-bocker-glory maker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
They're decadent, fruity and sweet,
Among puddings they're quite hard to beat.
A quivering tower
Of chocolate power
With ice cream in a tall glass - so neat.


luthier
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
No strings attached--that is me.
What you get is just what you see.
I make viols and cellos
and all their stringed fellows
so they ring out in fine harmony.


cartoonist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
When through comedy I would berate,
With my pencil I exaggerate
The nose of my victim,
As soon as I've picked him,*
So we can all mock his sad state.


*Not the nose.


elecutionist
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
There once was a lady from Spain
who noted that most of the rain
fell--how now, old brown cow,
why bother me now?--
fell, in the main, on the plain.


weather forecaster
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Will it snow, will it rain, will it hail?
My prognosis is there without fail.
I may be mistaken,
But interest will waken
As wind force increases to gale.


church embroiderer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Hassock, altar-cloth, pall,
church linens enormous and small,
with garlands of flowers,
and angels, and bowers,
I have left my mark on them all.


rat-catcher
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
With ferret and dog I arrive
To start up a rat-catching drive.
They're bashed on the head
And chased till they're dead -
I don't want to leave one alive.


street sweeper
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
Keeping the streets clean of litter
Helps in keeping myself fitter
I hate vomit
Tis the limit!
From mindless downing pints of bitter


meter reader
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Bending down to read this gauge
all in all for a rubbishy wage
now i've trod in someones gum
and next doors dog has bit my bum
No wonder my lifes full of rage




Lawn mower man
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I mow lawns from spring until summer,
And would never say it's a bummer.
But now I am older
As weather gets colder;
I'd rather retrain as a plumber.


car mechanic

[ 13. December 2012, 12:19: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
What's that? An old Daimler Dart
Sorry Guv, but I can't get the part
and having it made
would mean much defrayed;
have you considered a nice horse and cart?

astronomer
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
What's this, swimming into my ken?
A new planet, perhaps? I've a yen
to name one after me;
but--oh no!--can it be?
It's space junk left up there by mere men.


person who checks your ticket on the train
(controller?conductor? not sure what they call themselves!)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
They call me a ticket collector
Although I am just an inspector.
If you've none,you're rejected,
And,at worst, ejected,
For I am the public's protector.


driving examiner

[ 14. December 2012, 10:27: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
No, no! That's the clutch, not the brake!
And slow down, for my blood pressure's sake!
I'm supposed to stay cool
but each blithering fool
makes me tremble and quiver and shake!


traffic policeman/woman
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
"Driving whilst answering the phone?"
' Where sir have I a dog and bone?'
"Spotted are Ye
On CCTV
What's caught on film remains known!"


cemetery caretaker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My tenants are really quite quiet,
For peace is their permanent diet.
No parties or raves
To disturb or make waves -
I rarely encounter a riot.


Road builder
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Laying roads of asphalt and cement,
Is the thing that makes me most content.
Low budgets give cause,
For each slowdown and pause-
Ack! I think we've more potholes than pavement!

piano tuner
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Each key strikes three little strings;
And all are quite self willed wee things.
They plink and they plonk
Till I'd happily bonk
The lot of them into the wings.


ice cream seller
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
"I SCREAM" I said, loud as I could
The kids all came out and stood
Yelling, "ICE CREAM!"
It was a dream
Mid-winter - now that would be good.


salt pan worker

[ 22. December 2012, 21:15: Message edited by: Pasco ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
We first let the sea water in
then the sun, which is hotter than sin
takes the water away
and what's left is grey
powder to be packed in a tin!

Health Spa hostess
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
With health spa hostess Loretta
There's nobody who couldn't get betta
As she massages feet
You'd want to tweet
"Burdens are lifted 'ere with 'Brunetta' !"


oil rig construction worker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It rocks in the stormy North Sea
Whilst providing a living for me.
But to get North Sea oil
Is the cause of much toil
And we really do work for our fee.


Wedding organiser
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The bride wants a train ten feet long,
the singer won't learn the right song,
the napkins don't match,
and I've lost a whole batch
of confetti; it's all going wrong!


A & E (ER) triage nurse
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You can't see a surgeon just yet
Until I've been able to vet
Your injury, dear,
So come over here-
It's nothing much; young bones soon set.


hospital porter
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
There was once a hosp. porter, Rikko
Who hailed from his native Puerto Rico
A great mover
And patient remover
Albeit prone to a touch of panico.

saw mill worker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When the lumberjack cuts down the trees
He sends them downriver to these
Lusty young men
Who season them then
Cut them up, for varying fees.

wedding cake decorator
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Squiggles of icing like lace
and flowers all over the place,
tier upon tier
of white beauty, a sheer
triumph; patisserie ace.


heat detector installer
(working here now, hence my lack of concentration!)
 
Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
It's hot work but satisfyin'
As it stops the workers cryin':
Neither hot nor cold
(Unless they're old)
Once I've put the little 'eye' in.

Dog walker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Walking the dogs keeps me fit
Provided they walk and don't sit,
For Ditzy and Daisy
Are quite simply lazy
And don't enjoy walking one bit.


Class music teacher
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
Do re mi .. fa so la ... so it goes.
Oom pah pah ... tweet tweet tweet. Music flows
Through the air,
With mellifluous flair.
Why we love this so much, no one knows.

M.P.
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My supporters all voted for me
So now I've become an MP.
It's sad that this shower
Is given the power
When actually we're all at sea.


Speaker of the House of Commons
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
When there's commotion in the house
Speaketh I to 'commoners', "QUIET ALL! YOUSE
Do keep your cool
You're not at school!
Behaving as it were towards your spouse?"


Runner - as in for a TV company
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Um...Pasco, I hate to sound dim....but not so sure what a Runner for a TV company is or does????
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I don't know either but then ignorance has never stopped me before!

In imitation of Sebastian Coe
I always run heel-to-toe
when the red light is lit
I still do my bit
but the picture will only show snow!

Foreign exchange trader
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Give me your Euros and Kroner
You're buying, not being a donor
And Dollars you'll get -
The exchange rate is set,
Should you feel like being a moaner.


charlady (domestic cleaner)
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
You can't see a surface for dust
and de-cluttering's really a must;
when I start a new job
in the home of some slob
I feel life is very unjust.
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I consider, chew over, and think,
For my grey cells are quite in the pink.
But sometimes I am,
And don't give a damn;
I am, that's the reason I think.


morning coffee
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
oops! "Pondering" is my sig, I forgot to put a new profession.
But your limerick on it is great, jacobsen!

Then, perhaps still in the mindset of the haiku thread where you suggested "Hot chocolate," you suggest "morning coffee," which isn't a profession--but that's my fault for not keeping the rhythm going.

Can I change it to "morning coffee seller" ?


I warm up your hands and your gut
with my brew, which is wonderful; but
with some sugar and milk
there is nowt of its ilk
to jolt you right out of your rut.


policeman/woman
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Thanks for the compliment, Cara. I will try to stick to professions in future, having been vicariously warmed by the hot coffee.


policeman/woman

Society's guardians we,
As you can quite easily see.
We bang up the crooks
Who are cooking the books,
And all for a moderate fee.


worker on a tea plantation I just can't stay away from drink!
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I set out tea picking each day
I think of the folks far away
just making a brew
or perhaps tea for two;
it can be made in many a way.

wildlife film cameraperson
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A rampaging elephant ain't nice;
Before standing in front, please think twice.
It's tusks are quite long,
And it is quite strong;
Take care - you could end up on ice.


driving instructor
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
My first lesson today is nightmare,
he's no brain and he doesn't much care;
take the next right,
no that's a red light!
Did I really take this job as a dare?

airport baggage handler
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
As in line before boarding you stand,
You may marvel at airplanes so grand.
Safe your baggage is, surely,
I'll see it stowed securely-
To me, FRAGILE means "throw underhand"!

airport security screener
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
This luggage is huge ... weighs a ton.
It's ugly, unwieldy, un-done.
Why schlep so much cargo
For two days in Chicago?
I'll route it through Shanghai. For fun.


woops! jbohn egot here before me. Let's stick with

airport security screener


[ 15. January 2013, 13:44: Message edited by: roybart ]
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
I couldn't help it - here's a two-for-one, with only a little overlapping material:

It's the new definition of "bored"
As I scan, search and fondle this hoard
Keep your needles in haystacks*
And not in your butt cracks
And our safety will be assured.

Because of that Bin Laden bloke,
I scan, search, fondle, and poke
Your grandmas and mothers,
And so many others
That are non-threats - boy, what a joke!

*An allusion to what these poor folks are tasked with finding.

Window Washer (i.e. on a high-rise or skyscraper)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
This job is just full of delights;
It's as well I've a good head for heights.
What people find edible
Is really incredible;
I thought it was confined to nights!


hospital porter
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Re: Airport security people (TSA in the US)- A slide show of things found by Airport security last year.

What are people thinking? [Ultra confused]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread, already in progress... per jacobsen,

hospital porter

 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I push gurneys from hither to yon,
with patients half there and half gone,
and must sometimes descend
to where-heaven forfend!--
we all end up, toe-tags tied on.

office tea cart lady (a profession that no longer exists?)
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
My worries are all existential
Whilst peddling tea rudimental:
Do people need me
When there's Costa Coffee?
It's enough to make you go mental.


Reality TV host
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
By cheating you must have made millions,
If you'd had your way, 'twould be trillions.
Admit, just to me,,
Your guilt,on TV
And you will be judged by the billions.


Supermarket delivery person using a van
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Through the rain, through the sleet, through the snow,
With your vittles I make my van go.
It's not very artsy
(my van needs some parts-ies!)
But your groceries won't be a "no-show!"

Shark Tagger
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
The sharks have the names "Princess Fi",
"Cyndi", "Jill" and "Mary Lee"
But when tagging these mothers
Watch out for the others
"Vindication" will have you for tea.


Lying cheating and utterly non-contrite ex-cyclist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My name has developed a pong,
Though most of the rest tagged along.
Don't be a guilt vulture,
'Twas part of the culture;
I did it, but it wasn't wrong.


hanging judge
 
Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
Though list’ning to lawyers is boring
Enough to set judges to snoring,
The job has this perk:
You can sentence a jerk
To a noose, which is neater than goring.


bronc rider
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Now which of us will trounce,
As up and down I bounce?
You'd think at this gait
That I ought to lose weight,
But I haven't discarded an ounce.


milkman (PC - milkperson)
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
I get up unfeasibly early
But you won't find me rude or surly
For I'm resting my plates*
Whilst you other shipmates
Are entering the hurly-burly

* Cockney rhyming slang, me old china, and no mistake

Head cutter-offer for the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland

[ 19. January 2013, 09:57: Message edited by: Master Tubby Bear ]
 
Posted by EtymologicalEvangelical (# 15091) on :
 
"Go, cut it off!", is what I said.
"Your majesty, you mean his head?"
"Yes!! You've got me vexed;
So you'll be the next!"
At that, the axeman off and fled!


A poker player
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I keep the stern face of a broker
So people will know I'm no joker.
With demeanour hard
I make my discard,
But should mention, we're playing strip poker.


Croupier
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I see life at a bitter extreme;
gamblers will not relinquish the dream.
Two good dice, one bad card--
fortunes made, or lives marred;
yet I stay on the casino's team.


motorcycle courier
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I weave through the traffic so fast
That people stare after, aghast
For speed makes me quiver
With pleasure, and shiver,
For fear that my luck cannot last.


bank teller
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
I'm ready to hand out some cash
But people prefer to dash
To the hole in the wall
It's so impersonawl
Come inside, let me handle your stash


Sigmoidoscopist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I do it, but what does it mean?
I search for a meaning on screen,
Though I look around,
No answer is found,
So really, how can I be keen?


cross channel ferry pilot
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
I do it, but what does it mean?
I search for a meaning on screen,
Though I look around,
No answer is found,
So really, how can I be keen?

What does it mean? One whose professional time is spent doing sigmoidoscopies. Back to the cross channel ferry pilot ...
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
And in the good ol' US of A, I would suppose you are referring to the sigmoid colon, so we would be speaking of a colonoscopy, right?

What a pain in the butt! [Biased] [Razz]

[ 24. January 2013, 02:54: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Oh, all right, I'll write it myself.

cross channel ferry pilot


We no longer stand at a wheel,
Nor at the controls do we kneel,
But sit at a screen,
Where all can be seen,
And kept on a nice even keel.


butcher
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Mark was good with the bat
and sixes he often hit flat.
His County was Surrey,
he liked to eat curry
and that, I am thinking, is that.

telephone line man

[ 24. January 2013, 08:45: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
He said it was owing to rain
My connection had failed yet again.
The line was corroded
As he had forboded;
The problem was really quite plain.


shepherd
 
Posted by The Riv (# 3553) on :
 
SHEPHERDS

The Heavenly Host came to these,
Who first heard God's song on the breeze.
'Twas "Glory to God!"
To them on the sod --
To them, the sheep, & many fleas.


Substitute Organist
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
Most Sundays I don't get to play
But it was my turn today
I played this old hymn
With such fervour and vim
That I'm hoping I'll get to stay


So let's make it a bit clearer: One whose professional job involves the performance of sigmoidoscopies or, if you will, colonoscopies
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Master Tubby has issued correction
'Tis all about rectum inspection!
For those problems, you see,
The sooner it seems
You find 'em, you can correct'em!

TV weather presenter

(I'm done wrecking the thread now... [Hot and Hormonal] )
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I examine my patients, to wit
The bit of them whereon they sit.
I make it quite jocular
While using means ocular
to get past their impacted shit.


and continuing the mdedical theme, but hopefully more cheerfully_

midwife
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Going with the first one:

Whether raining or sunny or snow,
With a heart-warming smile I shall show;
Giving bad weather warning
like a red sky filled morning,
Though the truth of my words I don't know.

Midwife
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
This job is not what it used to be
could manage this once while supping tea
come on lady push it out
wonder who put her up the spout
one thing certain it wasn't me


filing clerk
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Apologies for the crosspost up thread.

filing clerk

The alphabet you have to know
To see where the papers should go.
I'm frankly so bored,
I could fall on my sword;
In its absence, the line I must toe.


fireman
 
Posted by The Riv (# 3553) on :
 
Fireman

It's shouldn't be hard to admire
those spending their lives fighting fire.
Don't turn up your nose
At them who weild hose --
But praise all who put down the pyre.

private investigator/detective
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I was trying to be hardboiled and tough
but one look at the guy was enough;
he knew I was there
trailing close as I dare
--I went home before things got too rough.

photographer in the early days of photography
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Now children, you don't have to flinch;
Of the powder I just use a pinch.
The force of th'explosion
Need raise no emotion,
In truth, the whole thing is a cinch.


a surgeon pre-anaestheia
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Sorry, it doesn't bear thinking about!

I am going to cheat and take the prompt in a slightly different sense.

I can't wait to see them knocked out
when they won't know what I am about.
As they sleep unaware
I wreak havoc in there--
cut, mop, stitch! I'm the best, beyond doubt.


municipal park gardener in winter
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
It's a nice cup of tea from my flask,
As I sit here debating my task.
All this ice it do harden
My beautiful garden.
Is a bit of sun too much to ask?

A translator facing badly-written text
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
You've no idea how it will trouble you
It reduces my whiskers to stubble, you
Try to extract
Every morsel of fact
When translating the words of George W

Groom of the Stool in the court of King Henry VIII

[ 27. January 2013, 09:04: Message edited by: Master Tubby Bear ]
 
Posted by gerbilfodder (# 17526) on :
 
There once was a Christian debate forum,
With more heated rows than decorum,
God shouted. “ENOUGH!”
I’ve heard too much of this stuff,
The Devil replied, “that’ll floor ‘em!”
RJG
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
Welsh, eh? Well, according to messrs Google and Translate: Croeso. Eich cerdd yn dda iawn! Ond y pwynt yn y ysgrifennu cerdd am yr alwedigaeth y mae'r person yn datgan blaenorol. Diolch!

I'd write it in limerick form, but have no idea how to pronounce it. But, this time in English, welcome to the ship.

Back to Henry VIII's smelly-handed retainer.

[edit: translating it back from Welsh to English gives me an entirely different result from when I translated it from English to Welsh, but hopefully the sentiment is clear...]

[ 27. January 2013, 15:22: Message edited by: Master Tubby Bear ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Thank God I just have to be there
When my liege lord's backside is bare.
It isn't my job
To clean up the slob;
That's why the minions are there.


master of the horse
 
Posted by The Riv (# 3553) on :
 
master of the horse

Though it is not cause to arrest me
I've failed my Brit citizenship test-y.
The matter, of course:
The Master of Horse --
I could not regurgitate "Vestey."


on when the thing you've cooked looks nothing at all like the picture in the book/magazine
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
On the basis at this is Limerick by Profession, I'll take the profession as being mendacious photo editor in the food supplement of a magazine. Try fitting that on a CV.

I dress up the food - it's misleading
But my boss a good food pic is needing
But just try to make it
You'll see how I fake it
It's for looking at, not for feeding.

The slave whose job it was to whisper in the ear of Caesar in his victory procession "remember you are only a man"
 
Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
I have the most strange of careers.
That's to whisper amid all the cheers:
"Remember now, Caesar,
You're nowt but a geezer.
What's more, you've got wax in your ears."


A knocker-upper
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Master Tubby Bear:
Welsh, eh? Well, according to messrs Google and Translate: Croeso. Eich cerdd yn dda iawn! Ond y pwynt yn y ysgrifennu cerdd am yr alwedigaeth y mae'r person yn datgan blaenorol. Diolch!

I'd write it in limerick form, but have no idea how to pronounce it. But, this time in English, welcome to the ship.

Back to Henry VIII's smelly-handed retainer.

[edit: translating it back from Welsh to English gives me an entirely different result from when I translated it from English to Welsh, but hopefully the sentiment is clear...]

MTB, just a quick reminder that, as an English Language board, we ask that anything posted in a language other than English is accompanied by a full and accurate translation. Can you do so for this post, please.

Smudgie
hosting
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Gerbilfodder, it's a pleasure to welcome you to the Ship. (I'm particularly impressed that you've chosen the limerick thread for your first serious post - I'll just ignore those two posts in Heaven [Biased] )
Just to say that you'll find reading the Ten Commandments and the board guidelines for each board a good way of finding your way around the ship.

Smudgie
(giving her first ever hostly welcome [Yipee] )
 
Posted by Master Tubby Bear (# 9739) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Smudgie:
MTB, just a quick reminder that, as an English Language board, we ask that anything posted in a language other than English is accompanied by a full and accurate translation. Can you do so for this post, please.

Smudgie
hosting

Indeed. Translation reads: Welcome. Your poem is very good. But the idea is to write a poem about the job which the previous person stated. Thank you!
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
knocker upper

Awaken! It's time to get up.
Get washed; have your first bite and sup.
You're on early shift,
No use getting miffed,
it's time, so - one, two, three - hup!


(knocker-uppers used to walk down the streets of Lnacashire mill workers, knocking on their bedroom windows with a long stick in order to waken them in time for the early shift.)


school bus driver

[ 30. January 2013, 06:38: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
They're driving me right up the wall,
and their cuteness is starting to pall,
what with shouting and fighting
and pushing and biting
and screaming and jumping and all.


steeplejack
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
I lie awake nights in fierce panic,
My fear of heights is quite manic!
but the government, you see,
said "It's a job that you need!
Off the dole! There's no need for your panic!"

(I'm terribly afraid of heights...)

deep sea diver
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Below the waves so deep
Where old sea monsters sleep
Your diver descends,
In hope to avoid bends
And also some treasure to keep.


cabin boy aboard a pirate ship
 
Posted by The Riv (# 3553) on :
 
cabin boy aboard a pirate ship

Though I have an auspicious duty,
I don't get a share of the booty.
It's not all that bad,
The Captain's my dad:
I know first, to hide, when he's moody!


Hairdresser to Rapunzel
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My darling, you're due for a trim.
Your hair reaches down to the rim
Of the well far below;
And I really don't know
If a prince would think it suited him.


Head huntsman to the Queen in Snow White
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
She wept and she pleaded; I swore
to her stepmother not long before
that I'd kill her; but couldn't;
and really, who wouldn't
have spared her? I switched to the boar.


royal food taster
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Nice one, Cara!


This dish tastes a little bit odd;
It has an effect on my bod
Which isn't like pheasant,
And is quite unpleasant;
Will I end up under the sod?


lady in waiting to Elizabeth the First
 
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
Though she may look like sugar and spice,
My mistress is not always nice;
Though she may deem to smile,
It will last but a while -
Her manner can change in a trice.


Divorce lawyer

[ 02. February 2013, 18:19: Message edited by: Starbug ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Cone to me when you're tired of your spouse
Tell me that he's scum and a louse;
I'll soon get you free
for a moderate fee -
just half of the price of your house!

Supporting actor
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
In Corrie* I stand at the bar,
And hope my career will go far,
But this fond ambition
Must suffer attrition
When another is always the star.


*Corrie= Coronation Street, the UK's longest running soap opera. The bar in question is in the Rovers' Return pub.


canteen worker
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
You ask me for ham egg and chips
And I bring them and waggle my hips
But I feel some alarm
At demands for more charm.
Would you like-a a smack of your lips?

Toilet-brush handle designer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I'm really quite good at design,
And the ones you buy mostly are mine.
The thing we don't mention
Got all my attention
And people say it works just fine.


ballboy/girl at Wimbledon* *tennis competition
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I've just seen your kind comment, jacobsen--thank you.
That was quite a difficult prompt!

ball boy or girl

I do hope he glances my way
when I give him a ball that's astray;
and I run super fast
with the dream that, at last,
I'll be smiled at by Andy Mur-ray.


potter
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Each day, my single desire
Is to make pots that people admire.
Throw clay on the wheel
And shape it by feel
Then finish the product by fire.


dress designer
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
My boubous are fabulous things -
You should wear them with bangles and rings
In your ears, through your nose,
and with paint on your toes,
where the chic Bird of Paradise sings.

Left-handed calligraphist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Writing from left to right
Is really not too bright.
From right to left
Would be far more deft
The other is such a fight.


One legged goal keeper (football)
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
My peg-leg gets stuck in the mud
and my team-mates' defence is a dud;
though my eye is acute
my speed's in dispute
--I need a Paralympic prosthesis, not wood.

snow-plough driver
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Riding high on my plough
I'll make the roads passable now.
In spite of the snow
You'll be able to go
Wherever you want, anyhow.


pearl diver

[ 10. February 2013, 15:42: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
On one breath I go down to the deep
and I find the pearls worthy to keep;
then with lungs fit to burst
I come up--and the worst
thing is how all my toes go to sleep.


cheese-maker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I make cheese for people who raven;
It's fully matured in a cavern
For quite a long time,
And develops a rime
Before being devoured in a tavern.


Dressmaker by Royal Appointment
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When designing some dresses for Ma'am
I try to keep cool and keep calm;
the colours I mute
just a little to suit
an elderly lady of charm.

dictionary compiler
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The language is changing so fast
that what was in fashion is past;
and now marked as "obs"
are those nice bits and bobs
that we used only Saturday last.


lion-tamer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Now Sheba, just sit where I said.
Don't think that you fill me with dread.
I'll give you a clip
Round the ear with my whip;
You won't get your teeth round my head.


cinema box office manager

[ 20. February 2013, 06:39: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The takings were down yesterday
so here's what I think you should say:
"This film is a winner
to please saint or sinner--
it's funny and deep and risqué!"


train refreshment trolley person
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
A tea or a coffee and bun?
Now a nibble on board is quite fun.
The refreshment you eat
May leave you replete,
And helps to pass time on the run.


hotel doorman
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
They come in and out all the time
without any reason or rhyme;
I wish them good day
but I don't know why they
can't stay put with a soda and lime.


butterfly garden caretaker
(in one of those enclosed heated rooms with butterflies hatching and pupating and flying around)
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
It's hot and it's airless but I
have to be here for each butterfly,
and each cute caterpillar
and cocoon I hope will ea...
rn me lots as they all flutter by.

Layabout
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
By being a couch potato
I get to take life really slow
I find that to hurry
just leads me to worry
so I'll sit and think whilst you go!

Bit part actor in a soap opera
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Seems I have to kiss Krystle this week
but I thought she was dead. Took a peek
at the script--it's confusing
because they are using
the plot from last month, with a tweak.


tea leaf picker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
We start just a bit after dawn
and walk up the hills with the morn,
our pay's really small
almost nothing at all -
can you tell me why was I born?

police dispatcher
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Thanks for rescuing the thread, WW! I thought I had killed it.
(Or perhaps we're just running out of professions).
And I see I didn't know enough about the sad lot of tea leaf pickers.
Your delicate but sad poem has somehow provoked another sad one (though admittedly exaggerated, there was no Golden Age in the past.) Maybe my prompt will elicit something more cheerful, especially as today is, apparently, the first International Happiness Day!


Burglaries, muggings, and more
--it's not like the old days of yore,
when a cat up a tree
or car parked carelessly
was the worst that our small village saw.


candy floss (cotton candy) maker
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
To make really good cotton candy
you really must be fairly handy;
it's the flick of the wrist
that gives it the twist,
do it right and it's just fine and dandy!

petrol/gas pump attendant
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I sit in my office on high
Observing the punters draw nigh.
If petrol they spill
I must leave my till
And clean it all up with a sigh.


civic parks gardener
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
A portrait, in flowers, of the Queen
was ordered by the mayor and the dean;
but with pansy and rose
[it's what THEY chose]
the results looked faintly obscene!

roofer


[punctuation]

[ 21. March 2013, 10:28: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
Our intrepid young man on the roof
Has been climbing since he was a youth
He nails on shingles
Until his back tingles
And then he says something uncouth

Number theorist

[ 23. March 2013, 08:14: Message edited by: Leorning Cniht ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My soul academic is weary
Of pondering numeric theory
And goes for a change;
You'll not find it strange,
Of ingesting something quite beery.


furniture delivery man
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Inspired in part by the above:

I'll tell you the story so-fa
as I deliver to those near and far
a chair or a table,
as I am able
but I'd rather be stood at the bar!

builder's mate
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's my job to pass them each brick
Of the best that I know how to pick.
It goes on the wall
That we're building, that's all.
That's the last- and it's done the trick.


beer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
My grandmother's surname was Beer,
which is no occasion to jeer.
It changed when she wed
and it came to my head
that things are oft not what they appear.

rubber stamp maker
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The stamp that I made does the biz
When it's inked and whopped down on your phiz.
Though you make look pallid
Your passport is valid.
You may think it's not - but it is.


the operative who inserts pork jelly into pork pies
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I boil up old oil and car tyres,
pigs trotters and things out of byres;
when it's all thick and gooey
but still not quite chewy
I add it to pigs funeral pyres!

[aside]Can you tell I'm a veggie?[/aside]

TV Quiz Chairperson
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
(No - how could we guess?)


Please answer the question I ask;
It's not such an onerous task.
Though it may be bosh
You might win some dosh
And on a warm beach you could bask.


creator of allegedly veggie ready meals which actually contain elements of another Board
 
Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
When I asked the contestant his name
He replied that my question was inane
I asked him his age
And he flew in a rage
And said he was sorry he came


sewer rat catcher
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
hmm...what to do? I'll answer both prompts, and just set one new one.

creator of allegedly veggie ready meals which actually contain elements of another Board:

To make my meals taste really fine
I throw in some deceased equine;
just a soupçon's enough
to improve the weird stuff
vegetarians think is divine.


Sewer rat catcher:

The varmints can wriggle and sneak
into places where I just can't peek
so I set them a trap
and when it goes off--snap!--
it stuns them right into next week.


Wimbledon ball-boy or girl
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The players may volley and swerve,
Sending balls out of court as they serve.
As you might expect
I'm there to collect
And return them with vigour and verve.


crossing sweeper of the Victorian era
 
Posted by Pewter (# 16308) on :
 
In Victorian times there were many
Who would sweep clear your path for a penny
But since cars replaced gee-gee's
We've merchants of squeegees
What they're selling, not many want any

TV antenna installer
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
Myself, I watch lots of TV.
Very few ever call on me.
I stare at my navel
Coz all haz got cable,
From climbing chimneys I'm free.

BarMaid
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Not a blowsy or bosomy blonde
like the stereotype, I am fond
of telling the drinkers,
those sots, louts, and stinkers,
to go off and jump in the pond.


tug-boat captain
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Though my boat is lttle, it's strong,
And can coax a great liner along
To lodge in its berth,
Before I can with mirth
Indulge in both drinking and song.


stoker in a paddle steamer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Just to make waters churn
the side wheels both have to turn
so I'm down below
in a rather warm glow
shoving in aught that will burn!


Wine Correspondent
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
"It smells nice." This we never can say
but must praise the exotic bouquet.
"Tastes good" ? No; "hints of musk,"
or "suggests fruit at dusk"
or "a soupçon of fresh-gathered hay."


glass-blower
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
It's important to blow and not suck
because then you might run out of luck -
'cos breathing in heat
ain't terribly neat,
your lungs won't give it much truck!

[ [Big Grin] oh ye of little faith!]

herpetologist
 
Posted by loggats (# 17643) on :
 
A lad pressed his nose to the vivarium,
said "Oh look mum a frog, there's a pair of 'em!"
At which point did I
With murderous eye
Quip, "they're toads, you scum sucking planarian."


Chimney Sweep
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Look carefully, and you can see
Up the chimney to blue sky and tree.
The furniture's covered,
With soot I am smothered;
The chimney is clear - for a fee.


potter
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I stand at the spin of the wheel
and in my hands I can feel
the squidgy soft clay
for most of the day,
when fired it's as hard as steel!

Air Traffic Controller
 
Posted by loggats (# 17643) on :
 
A hard up air traffic controller (they say)
moonlighted at a Japanese take-away.
The sake went to straight his head
"May I take your order?" he said
To which the only reply was "Mayday!"


Shoeshiner
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Right, Sir, rest your feet on this stand
And your shoes will be polished by hand.
Rest assured, as you sit,
I do not use spit
And the polish is of the best brand.


elbow grease
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Hmm, I'll take that as a dishwasher in a posh hotel:

The toffs as they sit and they dine
and drink far too much of the wine
don't know that back
I'm up to my ear
in pots and pans that ain't mine!

prison officer

[ 15. April 2013, 12:06: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Shall I try that again:

The toffs as they sit and they dine
and drink far too much of the wine
don't know that back here
I'm up to my ear
in pots and pans that ain't mine!

[Roll Eyes]

Still with Prison Officer next.
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by loggats:
A lad pressed his nose to the vivarium,
said "Oh look mum a frog, there's a pair of 'em!"
At which point did I
With murderous eye
Quip, "they're toads, you scum sucking planarian."


Chimney Sweep

Isn't that an assonance rather than a limerick?
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
We've hidden the wall with tall yews
And prefer the term "turn-keys" not "screws"
But our charges insist,
They will not desist,
In their search for quite different views.

midwife
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
I am happy to be a midwife
and welcome in every new life;
though some mothers may scream,
and some think it's a dream,
I support them through labour and strife.

(I couldn't be witty or cynical about midwives, whose job is one of the most important there is and whose ministrations I so much appreciated!)


pizzaiolo
 
Posted by loggats (# 17643) on :
 
Now a wood burning oven's a must
If you want an exceptional crust -
which is why heretical innovations
by chefs with questionable inspirations
leave authentic Italians nonplussed.


conceptual artist
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
I think
there
fore
Emin

Gamekeeper
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The partridge and grouse are my care:
No poacher to steal them would dare.
But come August the twelfth,
I'm at it myself
And poached in red wine, they're great fare.


maker of artificial flowers
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Not plastic, but delicate silk
are my daisies and things of that ilk;
my roses seem real
with their damasky feel,
and my lilies are whiter than milk.


estate agent

(maybe we've done this, but can't remember...)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
What do you mean, it's too small!
If afraid it is you who's too tall.
If you grow like Alice
And require a palace
A semi will not do at all.


plumber
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
These days we never use lead
but tend to use plastic instead;
posh folks want copper
which I s'pose is proper
but the cost's a matter of dread!

Railway Ticket Collector
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Tickets please, I say, tickets please.
To have them at hand's a good wheeze.
But if you've not bought
The ticket that's sought
You're out though you plead on your knees.


dishwasher
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I stand here hands deep in lather
I think that really I'd rather
have a night of some sin
and perhaps a large GIN
but really it's too much palaver!

gravedigger

[ 23. April 2013, 14:56: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Death's cradle is what I must dig
For stiffs, be they tiny or big.
And down they must go,
Full six feet below,
But they're dead, so they don't give a fig.


the worker who puts the plastic eyes into dolls
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
"I load the eyes into a weird sort of gun
and staple them on one by one
they mostly are brown,"
I add with a frown,
"in a way it's a strange kind of fun."

Film projectionist
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Over the sprocket like so,
Close the gate - and away we go;
As the image flickers
My poor old ticker's
in shock, thanks to Edgar A Poe.


Burger flipper
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
These burgers are nothing but fat.
I pat them until they are flat,
Then, without a care,
Flip them in the air
And hope they don't land on the mat.


Public lavatory attendant
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I keep the place sparkly clean
and scrub out the writings obscene;
I polish and shine
all day before nine
and my brass has a wondrous sheen.

Bishop
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It helps to be a man;
Not something a woman can!
But, fellas, just wait,
At no distant date
We'll achieve th'episcopal plan.


music department administrator
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
When the teachers wouldn't work to my scale
I set about them all with a flail;
that gave me a buzz
but they called in the fuzz.
Now I'm hoping the judge will grant bail.

School canteen/cafeteria assistant
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
Food fight! Oh, do cease and desist
from lobbing your lunch! I insist
that you stop all this screaming
and running, and teeming--
no-one listens. I'm off. Won't be missed.


goose quill maker
(Hoping historical professions count. Or do calligraphers still use quills?)
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My feather I found in a field.
'Twas one that a seagull did yield.
I clipped, cut and cleft it,
Dipped in ink, wrote and left it,
And sent off my letter, wax sealed.

(Myself as a nine-year-old giving the old ways a try. Without a nib the result was messy and my history teacher was not impressed.)

The birds are profligate
With feathers to this date.
They look very sweet,
And write quite a treat,
And each has a steel nib for mate.

(The more professional approach)
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Mayday! Mayday! We have no follow-on profession from our veteran jacobsen!

(I'd have PM'd jacobsen but yesterday was May 1 and I wanted to riff a sick pun off of that... I'll get my coat, I can see myself out.)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'll take street sweeper as the theme for the next one:

As I sweep all the streets of my town
I find I have gained some renown
but what I find galling,
if not quite appalling
is that really I should've been a clown!

Golf professional
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Sorry, chaps. I'll try to remember...


My woods and my clubs are the best,
And practicing gives me no rest.
For though my ball's seen
Flying far up the green
To hole it in one is the test.


opera singer
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
As I sing my way all through The Ring
In winter or autumn or spring
I always eat lots,
Not just for the plot
But so you can hear the fat lady sing!

travel agent
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
In liquidation - that's us
No point in making a fuss.
Though stranded in France,
And led a right dance,
You'll just have to come back by bus.


debt collector
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
If you owe money me and the boys
will come round and give you a choice
we work as a team
(we love hearing you scream)
but people, to us, are just toys!

ship designer
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The pointy end in front
Is easy, to be blunt.
But getting it right
So it sails through the night
Demands rather more than a punt.


Call centre operative
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The script I'm given to use
gives so many people the blues;
it sounds far too glib
but I cannot ad-lib
so I bear with the customers' abuse.

bank note forger
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The Mint is just getting too smart,
interfering with my sublime art;
holograms and fine chips
in the paper--small slips
are too obvious now; I'll depart.


cobbler
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Don't throw your old shoes in the bin,
Though they may be holey and thin.
Just give them to me,
And for a small fee
A new lease of life they will win.


music publisher
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The stuff by folks like Mozart
we sell by the ton, by the cart
but we don't publish Rap
because it's just crap;
do they seriously think that it's art?

political cartoonist
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My visual wit is quite sharp
For no one's an angel with harp.
I double the size
Of their nose or their eyes
And dare the poor victim to carp.


rap singer
 
Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
What! They say that my stuff in not art?! [Mad]
And I don't sing - let's get that for a start!
My street-savvy rhymes
reflect themes of my times!
And for Mozart I don't give a fart!

Elvis impersonator

[ 15. May 2013, 19:15: Message edited by: TomOfTarsus ]
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The hard part is really the hair,
to get it just right; and a flare
in my white studded trews
with-- of course-- blue suede shoes,
and I'm Elvis! And so debonair.

ETA next profession: parmigiano cheese maker

[ 16. May 2013, 12:14: Message edited by: Cara ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's got to mature for a year
And is better with wine than with beer.
From my market stall
To you, one and all-
I'll sell at a price that's quite dear


designer of computer games
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
The point of the game, so you think,
is to pass all the levels in a blink
and to gain points and win.
No! It's to suck you right in
so you're addicted, as a drunk is to drink.


[scansion not great, sorry.]

maker of horns (hooters) for cars
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Let's face it, we all like to toot
So I'll never be given the boot.
Be it raucous or shrill
There'll be one that will thrill,
Though its quality verge on the moot.


sign painter
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
It's an ancient, respectable craft;
I paint hanging pub signs, fore and aft,
also shop names and numbers
for grocers and plumbers,
mixing elegance with good hard graft.


dermatologist
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Let's face it: the skin that you're in
(Due to acne, sunburn, and gin)
Needs legions of help,
So kindly don't yelp
When treatments cost more than a pin!


Stage magician
 
Posted by cross eyed bear (# 13977) on :
 
Wave a wand and the sunflower grows
A cute rabbit's in all of my shows
If you don't laugh
I'll cut you in half
But I'll have to read up how that goes

Piano tuner
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Your piano's a source of cacaphony
Rather than comforting harmony.
If that's what you seek,
I'll give it a tweak
You'll get the harmony, I - money.


car mechanic
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
"I suppose it could be the speedometer
Or the fuse or that old dynamometer."
Said the man with a frown,
As he narrowed it down.
"So let's start with a brand-new tachometer."

Fast food chef
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
My burgers I neatly can flip
and I fry a most succulent chip;
with all this, and soda
you'll quickly get older
and fatter at quite a fast clip.


translator
 
Posted by Pewter (# 16308) on :
 
I had Google translating this verse
From the English to French and reverse
Many grammar it wronged
And as well didn't rhymed
But the input I writ was the worse

chocolatier
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
We build up our courage to fight
With this sweet, be it dark, milk or white.
When it's hot as a drink
I really do think
It gives us unequalled delight.


plasterer

[ 12. August 2013, 14:47: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on :
 
There was once a plasterer called Paul
Who was famously quick with a wall
But one day he was loose with his tool
In a flash he had lost his cool
And now finds that he's minus a ball.


Air steward

[ 12. August 2013, 21:04: Message edited by: would love to belong ]
 
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
As I demonstrate safety in th'air
I hope you'll look up from your chair.
But interest will die
The oftener you fly
Which makes me more prone to despair.


gardener
 
Posted by Cara (# 16966) on :
 
When the blossoms get fewer and fewer
I know it is time to procure
from a barn or a stable,
wherever I'm able,
a good healthy load of manure.

potter
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
A lump of clay on a turntable
Is for potter to tend and enable
Shape and Form
That'll transform
Into a work of art with a label?
 
Posted by Pasco (# 388) on :
 
bill-board walker
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
I thought this was dead
But it seems to have revived
Well, I killed it now.

Thread CLOSED
—Ariston, limerick-challenged Circus Host
 


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