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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: The REAL Resolutions
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Charlie-in-the-box
Shipmate
# 17954
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Posted
OK I've royally had it with those self-righteous assholes who are broadcasting their stupid resolutions such as; losing 50 pounds, working out daily, finding Jimmy Hoffa, and bringing about world peace. Screw these annoying jackasses! I say we come up with the REAL resolutions....here are mine.
1. I will not choke to death anyone who tells me that I need to believe in God the way they do(or go to church, etc) in order to go to heaven.
2. I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.
3. I will not do anything; church, time with people, etc, only out of guilt and manipulation and I will start telling people that (this shit is about to get real).
OK --come on people, bring out the REAL resolutions. ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
[ 06. January 2014, 18:28: Message edited by: Charlie-in-the-box ]
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Charlie-in-the-box
http://rosarygirl1962.blogspot.com/
Posts: 55 | From: Island of Misfit Heretics | Registered: Jan 2014
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
quote:
I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.
Quote file!
Other than that, not a clue as to what to add to this thread.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
As I said when I started my thread on resolutions in Heaven, I'll make a conscious effort to watch more television and listen to more music. I also intend to sample lots of different kinds of dark chocolate, and change my hair colour at least once.
So far, so good, all is going as planned. Except the thread, which seems to be turning into a Thread of Virtuous Intentions rather than fun resolutions that people will be motivated to keep. The stuff about having more dinner-parties is good, though, and it would be a good way to sample some more wines. Might adopt that one.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Sober Preacher's Kid
Presbymethegationalist
# 12699
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Posted
Hmm, this Apprentice shows promise. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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NDP Federal Convention Ottawa 2018: A random assortment of Prots and Trots.
Posts: 7646 | From: Peterborough, Upper Canada | Registered: Jun 2007
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
I also intend to sample lots of different kinds of dark chocolate
This is not a resolution, but The One True Path to Enlightenment.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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deano
princess
# 12063
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Posted
I vow to spend more time with my one true love... the new Egnater Tweaker 15w valve amp I got for Chrimble!!!!
I also vow to play it louder than required and to feign deafness to requests from the house ladies to turn it down so they can watch Waterloo Road or some other shite in peace.
I also vow to watch the World Cup in splendid peace and quiet and will resist all attempts to get me to do something whilst there are matches being played.
I actually started on the treadmill at the end of November. Got up to 5.5 kph for 30 minutes three or four times a week, right up until we found the mother in law on Christmas morning on her kitchen floor.Since then I've managed it twice.
But that's life. The treadmill isn't a resolution (because I started it before Christmas), just something I want to do. I started to feel better for it, and felt less guilt when nipping into Greggs for a corned beef pasty.
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"The moral high ground is slowly being bombed to oblivion. " - Supermatelot
Posts: 2118 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: Nov 2006
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Zoey
Broken idealist
# 11152
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Posted
* I will give serious consideration to pointing out to my family that my father is an arsewipe and that I have in my possession a letter from one psychiatrist to another detailing the first psychiatrist's professional opinion that my father's arsewipeliness played a significant part in me developing severe mental-health problems.
Edit - this is because I'm in a situation where I'd like to follow Charlie-in-the-box's resolution number 3, but probably won't / can't, unless I just get a lot more honest with my family overall and point out explicitly what my behaviour has only been implying for the past 15+ years.
[ 06. January 2014, 19:19: Message edited by: Zoey ]
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Pay no mind, I'm doing fine, I'm breathing on my own.
Posts: 3095 | From: the penultimate stop? | Registered: Mar 2006
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by deano:
I actually started on the treadmill at the end of November. Got up to 5.5 kph for 30 minutes three or four times a week
You might need to do a bit more than that. It probably only keeps the lightbulbs going for 30 minutes three or four times a week.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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deano
princess
# 12063
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by deano:
I actually started on the treadmill at the end of November. Got up to 5.5 kph for 30 minutes three or four times a week
You might need to do a bit more than that. It probably only keeps the lightbulbs going for 30 minutes three or four times a week.
According to the little dial I use about 140 calories, which is about a bag of chips I reckon. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
I'm building it back up to running speed slowly so I can get back to doing that. I used to enjoy when I was younger and fitter. Not sure I'll get there, but still, even if it makes me fit enough to caddy for my son around the golf course next season that'll do me. Little steps, just lots of them. Got to be better than nothing.
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"The moral high ground is slowly being bombed to oblivion. " - Supermatelot
Posts: 2118 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: Nov 2006
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Thirty minutes on my recumbent bike will get you 80, which is a smallish apple, so you're doing better than some, Deano.
On January 1st I resolved to give up all sugar and eat lots of healthy vegetables. I'm proud to say I did that. Now I'm moving briskly on to the, "Bake more cakes and cookies," resolution.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
1) I will no longer hide my light under a bushel. I will embrace the fact that I'm an anti-social burr under the saddle of the majority of the world.
I will build my cabin in the woods, and never tell anyone where it is. The driveway side will have warning signs, surveillance cameras, recordings of gunfire, and caltrops. The non-driveway side will have a lovely garden and meditation center.
I will never get a phone installed.
I will emerge into the community only just enough to make people wonder who that beautiful, mysterious stranger is. I will do my best not to have ketchup running down my face or loud farts when I emerge. I will also avoid my impulse to awkwardly tell inappropriate jokes while being the mysterious stranger.
or to belch.
2) I will accept the fact that I need to collect bizarre clothing/costuming from other eras (and, perhaps, realities) and no longer feel embarrassed that I own 2 dozen costume hats (in addition to the several dozen socially acceptable ones) as well as a variety of capes, corsets, doublets, superhero costumes, and sword belts. rather than storing these away in shame, I will just build bigger closets.
I reserve the right to wear a cape while being the Mysterious Stranger.
3) I will build more bookshelves.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
On January 1st I resolved to give up all sugar and eat lots of healthy vegetables. I'm proud to say I did that. Now I'm moving briskly on to the, "Bake more cakes and cookies," resolution.
I like your style.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Charlie-in-the-box
Shipmate
# 17954
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
1) I will no longer hide my light under a bushel. I will embrace the fact that I'm an anti-social burr under the saddle of the majority of the world.
I will build my cabin in the woods, and never tell anyone where it is. The driveway side will have warning signs, surveillance cameras, recordings of gunfire, and caltrops. The non-driveway side will have a lovely garden and meditation center.
I will never get a phone installed.
I will emerge into the community only just enough to make people wonder who that beautiful, mysterious stranger is. I will do my best not to have ketchup running down my face or loud farts when I emerge. I will also avoid my impulse to awkwardly tell inappropriate jokes while being the mysterious stranger.
or to belch.
2) I will accept the fact that I need to collect bizarre clothing/costuming from other eras (and, perhaps, realities) and no longer feel embarrassed that I own 2 dozen costume hats (in addition to the several dozen socially acceptable ones) as well as a variety of capes, corsets, doublets, superhero costumes, and sword belts. rather than storing these away in shame, I will just build bigger closets.
I reserve the right to wear a cape while being the Mysterious Stranger.
3) I will build more bookshelves.
Comet, you rock! I love it.
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Charlie-in-the-box
http://rosarygirl1962.blogspot.com/
Posts: 55 | From: Island of Misfit Heretics | Registered: Jan 2014
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
I resolve to drink more vodka, I was sadly lacking last year.
I will attend more live gigs, and be more uninhibitedly stupid at them.
I will stop worrying about dog hair on the sofa and just recline into it.
I will speak truth, at church and elsewhere. I have begun. Mwahahaha...
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
2. I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.
On a similar note, I will resist the urge to kick in the groin anyone I hear complaining about how the gym gets so busy in January with new people you didn't see last year and won't see in February. In the taxonomy of Facebook complaint/brags, that one ranks as the worst in my book.
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Watch better quality porn.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
I will fry bread in bacon fat and eat it every day for breakfast with my morning tea. Morning tea shall contain scotch. I will then put a brick of hash on the stove for lunch, after which I will fly around the kitchen with my new princess wings and tiara while the brownies cook. Then I will eat them all up while saying 'wow', a lot.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
Marry me, no prophet.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Vulpior
Foxier than Thou
# 12744
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Watch better quality porn.
Make better quality porn.
Have sex in footy kit.
These two may be related.
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I've started blogging. I don't promise you'll find anything to interest you at uncleconrad
Posts: 946 | From: Mount Fairy, NSW | Registered: Jun 2007
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Invest in better quality porn.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!
eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!
[ 07. January 2014, 02:42: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
He's not joking folks. Trust me on that. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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marzipan
Shipmate
# 9442
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Posted
I decided to put on some weight, this will save me having to wear so many jumpers. Of course i don't know what I weigh so any success will be pretty difficult to measure...
I will spend more time (if possible) curled up in a blanket on the sofa in cold/rainy weather, and lazing in the park in any sunshine that comes along. (accompanied my my latest book...)
I will read more books (not a resolution, just inevitable)
[ 07. January 2014, 11:43: Message edited by: cheesymarzipan ]
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formerly cheesymarzipan.
Now containing 50% less cheese
Posts: 917 | From: nowhere in particular | Registered: May 2005
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
I will not attend any Church meetings. If they want me to do something they can ask me.
I resolved this last year and it worked. Lots of meeting time saved and just as much Church stuff done.
Meetings are a total waste of time, useful not even for generating hot air.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
Sort of stream of consciousness stuff - don't read novels (made up shit), eat spicy potato wedges (nice), undress women with my eyes (nice), be embarrassed and ashamed more often (not nice, but it happens anyway), have more sex (nice), detect guilt more quickly. No, that one is a no-hoper.
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
This year I am seriously going to apply myself to becoming rich and famous in order that in a year from hence I can tell my employer to bugger off and stick their job in a proverbial dark and uncomfortable location. Failing that I shall consider becoming a kept woman in order that in a year from hence I can tell my employer to bugger off and stick their job in a proverbial dark and uncomfortable location.
(Only partly joking)
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!
eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!
I came to this thread intending to post something like this. I hate to be unoriginal, so I am absolved of keeping the resolution, yes?
now where did I leave that whetstone?
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
This year I resolve to embrace my inner bitch.
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!
eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!
A Quaker with a machete and (almost) ready to use it- who knew?
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
I will not attend any Church meetings. If they want me to do something they can ask me.
I resolved this last year and it worked. Lots of meeting time saved and just as much Church stuff done.
Meetings are a total waste of time, useful not even for generating hot air.
Yeah, this is the year I start ditching the annual meeting as well. As long as there are more qualified candidates for the vestry than open spots, I will feel no shame about it either.
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
Yeah, this is the year I start ditching the annual meeting as well. As long as there are more qualified candidates for the vestry than open spots, I will feel no shame about it either.
Annual? I'm a Methodist - the meetings are (near enough) weekly!
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.
I can't speak for porn (which should always speak for itself) but you definitely wouldn't be the first person to attend church or church meeting whilst under the influence. It's practically obligatory at Christmas Eve Midnight Mass.
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.
First convincing argument for conversion to Christianity I've yet heard.
St. Charlie-in-the-box, evangelist for the 21st. Century. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.
And you might be the reason they're more interesting!
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Suze
Ship's Barmaid
# 5639
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Posted
I won't slap anyone, including my boss who is a woman more in need of a good slapping than anyone I've ever met.
I will remind myself that most people just aren't worth my angst, upset or heartache and so will stop buying in to their freaking mind games. And I will drink GIN to help with this. Lots and lots of GIN.
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' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell
Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004
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Jack o' the Green
Shipmate
# 11091
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Posted
I'm going to have more sex than I did last year. I believe in setting myself easy goals.
Posts: 3121 | From: Lancashire, England | Registered: Feb 2006
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Erik
Shipmate
# 11406
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Posted
For those thinking about church meetings I often find myself considering Acts 19 verse 32
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One day I will think of something worth saying here.
Posts: 96 | From: Leeds, UK | Registered: May 2006
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Nice one Erik.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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