Thread: I am freaking out.... Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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When I was 21, I had a very bad infection that I was told rendered me sterile. This was ok with me, I don't want kids. My husband doesn't want them either...
Flash forward to me being 45, and I feel weird, and I'm late - at first I think peri-menoapuse, but then I feel kind of OFF. Long story short, two store bought tests and one at the docs office say I'm preggers. My husband is on the road, and this is NOT a converasation I want to have on the phone. And this is NOT NOT NOT a situation I want to be in anyway.
I'm scared as hell, conflicted as hell and all I can say is "holy shit, really?!?"
At my age, it may be a false alarm, but crap....
Support, help, advice please....
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on
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ADVICE: Give it time. There is nothing that needs to be done right this moment except to make yourself feel better (say, by calling a friend). Everyone freaks at that news, even those who expected and wanted it. Treat yourself with the same kindness and patience that you would anybody who just suddenly lost a loved one. You are in no shape to think today or probably tomorrow. Don't force yourself to. You have time. Take it.
Posted by Nicolemr (# 28) on
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Hugs and support. No advice except what Lamb Chopped said, try to treat yourself gently and soothingly. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on
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As someone who's childless-by-choice I'm not in much of a position to offer advice either, but what Lamb Chopped said makes perfect sense to me. Look after yourself, and know that you've got prayers and support from all of us here.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
{{{BH}}}
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on
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{{{{{{Bess}}}}}}
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on
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(((Bess)))
Do you have long to wait for your husband to be back home? Focus on being nice to yourself till then.
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on
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What everybody else has said, and hugs from me as well - (((Bess))).
Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on
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A shock to the system in more ways than one, may God be with you and give you peace and strength.
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on
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Been there, Bess. Turned out to be a false alarm, thanks be, but I will certainly never forget feeling like I'd been hit by a speeding semi. What LC said - and many, many hugs from me.
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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My husband gets home tomorrow (I hope) for the weekend and I've been rehearsing the conversation in my head.
I'm already sick of being scared and sick of crying and sick of biology in general. I go Wednesday to the Ob/Gyn to get an ultrasound and blood work which, I'm told, will give me a yes or no answer.
Y'all, at my age, I'm set in my ways. It's maybe selfish, but I don't want any of my life to change. A child would be a huge huge huge change. And I'm 90% positive what my husband's reaction will be. And I'll be the 70 year old woman at some kid's college graduation.
Thanks so much for the support. My closest friend here is a man, and he's the last person I can talk to about any of this. Just pray for me...
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on
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Yes, I would definitely keep this to yourself and your husband- you don't need the neighborhood weighing in on your private thoughts at this time.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on
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Hi Bess
First of all, the (hopefully) obvious platitude....
As much as you are (quite naturally) panicking now, try to remember that the fear is worse than the reality. When your husband gets home, sit down and talk about it. I am sure that you will find that it won't be as bad as your imagination is making it to be just now.
Secondly, my Dad was into his 40's when he got married. He was nearly 50 when I was born and well past 55 when my sister was born. I also know of plenty of other people who had similarly "ancient" parents and it didn't do them any harm, either. Of course - if you ARE pregnant - it will be an enormous shock to the system for both you and your husband. But don't worry about how you will be when Junior reaches graduation. The chances are, you won't be the oldest Mum there!
Please don't let fear overcome you.
Posted by Lucia (# 15201) on
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Just adding my too...
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on
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And mine
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on
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Being childless by choice, I can understand some of what you're going through. You're in my prayers.
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on
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We also had our son a generation later than everyone else. But that has had a hell of a lot of advantages to it. God keep you all.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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(((Bess)))
for you, whatever you decide.
[ 04. April 2014, 16:26: Message edited by: Jane R ]
Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on
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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on
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((( Bess ))) May Christ give you his peace that passes understanding.
[ 04. April 2014, 18:27: Message edited by: churchgeek ]
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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Amen. Wow, talk about a surprise.
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on
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Posted by Amos (# 44) on
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Posted by JFH (# 14794) on
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Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on
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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on
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quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I'm already sick of being scared and sick of crying and sick of biology in general. I go Wednesday to the Ob/Gyn to get an ultrasound and blood work which, I'm told, will give me a yes or no answer.
That's good - you'll then know what you are dealing with. Not knowing is far harder.
for you
Posted by QLib (# 43) on
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Posted by Mrs Shrew (# 8635) on
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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on
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Praying. ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on
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Bess
I had a baby 4 months ago, at the age of 44, and was similarly worried about being the old granny at the school gates. I've been pleasantly surprised at how many other older mums there are, some older than me.
It's been a massive life-change, and there've been tears and tantrums along the way. But we're still here, and I wouldn't be without her. It's hard, but not impossible. Rest assured of my prayers, Bess.
Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on
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Having read your posts over the last few years, I know that you are a strong and capable women. I am very sure you will handle what ever is to come with great wisdom and grace, even as you have a holy melt down now and then. Prayers of support.
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on
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Thinking of you today.
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on
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Me, too.
Posted by Japes (# 5358) on
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And me.
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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Here's where we are at now...
Had an extremely difficult conversation with my husband about the whole thing. Actually the first real conversation we've had about the subject since we were both in our 40's when we married and never intended to have children. The fact that I believed I was unable helped there. We decided, after a lot of talk and tears to wait until after I saw the doc to make any kind of decisions.
He left for Nashville for the week on Sunday morning, and on Sunday evening, I started having some pretty awful cramps. Monday morning, I was bleeding pretty heavy (sorry about being graphic...) and have been since then. The doc examined me, and did blood work, and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound next wedensday but she seemed pretty confident that nature was taking its course and the pregnancy was over.
I'm hoping she's right, even though that sounds horrible, but I'm also emotionally even more messed up about this whole ordeal. It's like the only reason I've got this plumbing is to make babies. And even though I don't want to make one, the idea that I may have had another human being growing inside of me - however briefly - is staggeringly huge. And then the idea that most likely, there's not one growing there any more is also huge. I'm relieved, sad, and confused. And I feel so isolated since other than my husband and my best friend, no one I can talk to and cry on knows about this. Hubby's out of town and my best friend is a man and I'm not sure how comfortable either he or I would be having a conversation about my reproductive bits. Plus, no offense to the gentlemen, but men tend to focus on "fixing" things and there's nothing about this situation that can be fixed.
So all y'all don't know how important your support has been. I can't cry on any of your shoulders, except through this flawed medium, but it really helps to know that somewhere, there are folks care and will listen and say prayers and offer good, sensible advice, and let me rage and let me mourn.
Thanks you all so very much.
(And just a couple of weeks ago, I was bragging to a buddy that my life was nice and stable and boring...that'll teach me to tempt fate ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
)
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on
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I'm so sorry--what a major upset this all has been for you. Be kind to yourself, and your husband too. Will pray.
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on
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Sending you all warmest thoughts and strength. The particulars of human pain are always so individual--I can't pretend to have experienced anything "like" your situation. And yet pain and complicated feelings are so universal--my heart reaches out to yours because of that, because I can imagine that your pain "feels like" mine.
I wonder if your male friend can be of help, then--just a person, in real time, listening to you say, "this sucks, and can't be fixed." I dunno if that kind of compassionate, non-action-oriented listening is his forte: I just know I wish you had access to it, somehow, in person, and I'm glad you find comfort in having it here. Because you do. Many are pulling for you. All the best.
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on
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What a horrible situation, Bess.
Give yourself time - you will have lots of hormones swilling around that will be affecting you hugely and will take a while to work through your system, so be kind to yourself.
Also, if you're losing a lot of blood the blood loss will make you feel washed out, along with the early pregnancy hormones, so be prepared to be exhausted as well as emotional.
Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
What a horrible situation, Bess.
Give yourself time - you will have lots of hormones swilling around that will be affecting you hugely and will take a while to work through your system, so be kind to yourself.
Also, if you're losing a lot of blood the blood loss will make you feel washed out, along with the early pregnancy hormones, so be prepared to be exhausted as well as emotional.
Echoing what Curiosity said, your hormones will be all over the place at the moment and your body and mind have been through a lot of trauma. Do get some time to rest, both physically and emotionally.
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on
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Praying for you.
Posted by Lucia (# 15201) on
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from me too
Posted by ecumaniac (# 376) on
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quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I'm hoping she's right, even though that sounds horrible, but I'm also emotionally even more messed up about this whole ordeal. It's like the only reason I've got this plumbing is to make babies. And even though I don't want to make one, the idea that I may have had another human being growing inside of me - however briefly - is staggeringly huge. And then the idea that most likely, there's not one growing there any more is also huge. I'm relieved, sad, and confused.
You don't know me, I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I wanted to say: It's ok to be relieved. Your feelings are your feelings, and they aren't right or wrong to feel.
And in case there's anyone else reading this in any sort of similar situation, I also want to say that it's also ok to fully explore all your options. None of them will be ideal, but they are there.
Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on
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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on
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It is totally understandable to be relieved, sad, and confused after such huge, life changing possibilities were rushing through your body and emotions.
Most of all - be kind to yourself, you have been through the mill, physically and emotionally.
for you.
Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on
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quote:
Originally posted by ecumaniac:
quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I'm hoping she's right, even though that sounds horrible, but I'm also emotionally even more messed up about this whole ordeal. It's like the only reason I've got this plumbing is to make babies. And even though I don't want to make one, the idea that I may have had another human being growing inside of me - however briefly - is staggeringly huge. And then the idea that most likely, there's not one growing there any more is also huge. I'm relieved, sad, and confused.
You don't know me, I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I wanted to say: It's ok to be relieved. Your feelings are your feelings, and they aren't right or wrong to feel.
And in case there's anyone else reading this in any sort of similar situation, I also want to say that it's also ok to fully explore all your options. None of them will be ideal, but they are there.
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thinking of you and yours at this time.
Tubbs
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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Again thank you all so much...
Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
It is totally understandable to be relieved, sad, and confused after such huge, life changing possibilities were rushing through your body and emotions.
Most of all - be kind to yourself, you have been through the mill, physically and emotionally.
for you.
This. I have not posted on the thread before but I have been watching and praying, and will continue to do so.
Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on
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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
What a horrible situation, Bess.
Give yourself time - you will have lots of hormones swilling around that will be affecting you hugely and will take a while to work through your system, so be kind to yourself.
Also, if you're losing a lot of blood the blood loss will make you feel washed out, along with the early pregnancy hormones, so be prepared to be exhausted as well as emotional.
Yes, this. Also, hormones don't play fair and you can't predict how they will affect you. So be gentle with yourself and know that lots of us are praying for you.
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on
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I'm holding you and your husband and all in the Light, Bess.
Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on
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Continued prayers and cyber hugs. ((((((( ))))))))
Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on
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(((Bess)))
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on
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Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on
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Life is a mess sometimes. It is easier with support. And the messes get easier with time and perspective. Doing things that comfort yourself and a bit of unrelated activity that brings you into the moment. Walking is one. Sunshine, and, morning, excellent and fair, always ends the night.
Posted by Huia (# 3473) on
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Bess
Posted by Jemima the 9th (# 15106) on
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More love and prayers from another internet random. I second all that the others have said about being very gentle indeed with yourself both physically and emotionally.
As for your best mate - when this happened to me I couldn't talk about it to start with, so MrJt9 and I had a couple of beers together and watched a stupid film. It was the best therapy.
Posted by Otter (# 12020) on
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What Ecumaniac said, over and over again. And remember that the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage in the early stages is really high, even to women who are younger and are trying to have children.
The brain-weasels may try to tell you all sorts of horrible things, but we're here for you.
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on
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Posted by Tina (# 63) on
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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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Amen. So sorry, BessHiggs.
Posted by Stumbling Pilgrim (# 7637) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
It is totally understandable to be relieved, sad, and confused after such huge, life changing possibilities were rushing through your body and emotions.
Most of all - be kind to yourself, you have been through the mill, physically and emotionally.
for you.
This. I have not posted on the thread before but I have been watching and praying, and will continue to do so.
Likewise.
Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on
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Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on
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Posted by Ann (# 94) on
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Another complete stranger checking in.
I don't know how you are feeling or how you cope with things, so I can only try to say what helped me (and even that is of dubious benefit as I was younger then and trying for a family).
Try to meet up with anyone you've talked to about the possible pregnancy so they can sympathise now - waiting until you are on an even keel and then having someone say how sorry they are set me back on my heels - it's hard to face people, but like ripping off a sticking plaster, it was at least over and done with.
Try not to examine your every action wondering if that caused the loss - it almost certainly didn't and beating yourself up about washing windows or walking all the way into town and back isn't good for you.
Don't dwell on it - I found I could cope by treating a bit like a hideous gift from someone - put it in a room you don't go into often and then only visit the room when you feel up to it. Not exactly in denial, but not trying to get over it all at once.
As the others have said, be gentle with yourself.
Posted by St Everild (# 3626) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Graven Image:
Continued prayers and cyber hugs. ((((((( ))))))))
From me too...
Posted by Nicolemr (# 28) on
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Many hugs and much sympathy. Echoing what was said about hormones... your feelings and mood will probably swing all over the place, and that's natural and OK. Just hang in and eventually you _will_ feel better.
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on
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quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I'm relieved, sad, and confused.
Loss and grief are never simple. Conflicting feelings are completely natural, especially with the range of emotional and physical strain you've been experiencing. Anything you feel is okay.
You're cherished by your Creator, and by this community. Grace and peace to you.
Posted by Gracious rebel (# 3523) on
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Another one here who has been following this thread with concerned interest.
Whichever way it went wouldn't have been an easy road. Praying for strength you need to cope with this, and all the confusing feelings and unexpected questions it is raising for you.
Posted by Taliesin (# 14017) on
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Me too. Love and prayers.
Give yourself time to just be.
Posted by Moo (# 107) on
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Bess, does your husband know about the hormonal effects of pregnancy and miscarriage? If he doesn't, he needs to; it's very important for your relationship.
I don't have any suggestions about a source of information for him. Maybe someone else does.
Moo
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on
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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on
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Advice for partners about miscarriage from:
Silent Grief
Miscarriage Association - pdf leaflet
Posted by basso (# 4228) on
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Prayers, Bess.
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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I'm sure my husband is about as clueless about this mess as I am, so thanks for the links Ck. His coping mechanism for any kind of stress or turmoil is to work harder. The farmers here are ramping up and will be running full bore in a week or so I guess, so I know he'll be on a tractor from the time he gets off his full-time job til well past dark. It's his thing, and him not being around to try to baby me isn't all bad.
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on
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Hugs and prayers, Bess - you and Mr. Higgs really are in a difficult place.
Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on
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What people have said, Bess. Hugs and prayers.
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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All best wishes, whether you decide to tell anyone or whether you decide to keep it as a private husband/wife thing.
Posted by QLib (# 43) on
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Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on
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Posted by Amos (# 44) on
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Sending love and continued prayers, Bess.
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on
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A final update on the saga...
The ultrasound yesterday showed that everything was back to normal.
Of course, now, for the first time in 22 years I have to think about birth control ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
. After lots of research and a long talk with the doc, I'm planning on getting my tubes tied. Now that I know it could happen, I'm going to take every step I can (short of abstinence) to make sure it doesn't
I just wanted to say again how important the support, prayers and advice offered here has been to me. I wouldn't know any of you if I ran into you at the grocery store, but I truly felt held up and comforted reading your words on the screen. I have not the language skills to convey how amazing this wacky, off-beat, mixed-up family that is the Ship really is. From the bottom of my heart and soul, I thank you all so very very much.
-Bess
Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on
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Thank you for the update, and thank you God that all shall be well.
Posted by ecumaniac (# 376) on
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Pleased to hear that you are safe
Personally I'm so grateful to live in an age where long term contraceptives are safe and available!
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on
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Yet another concerned and prayerful lurker checking in to say that I am vey glad that you are safe and well and to encourage you and your husband to look after yourselves in whatever form that takes, including that op for your future peace of mind.
Posted by Robert Armin (# 182) on
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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on
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Posted by piglet (# 11803) on
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Glad to hear you're well, BH. You're absolutely right about the Ship - there's something very comforting about knowing you have the goodwill of hundreds of people you've never met.
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on
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quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
You're absolutely right about the Ship - there's something very comforting about knowing you have the goodwill of hundreds of people you've never met.
Amen to that!
Mrs. S, also comforted
Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on
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{{{Bess and Mr Higgs}}}
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