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Source: (consider it) Thread: Is the church ageist?
Lamb Chopped
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I dunno. Why not do both? have sermons AND individual discipleship. I don't think one can take the place of the other.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
I dunno. Why not do both? have sermons AND individual discipleship. I don't think one can take the place of the other.

Yes. I think that's what Belle is arguing for, now that I've read her clarification. I think that is the way to go. As I said, a sermon is apt to miss it's mark as per the really nasty person-- they won't recognize themselves, even if everyone else does. But as Belle said, it does raise the community value, remind everyone else "this isn't OK", and lets the victims know we're not OK with this. To deal with the actual instigator, as LC suggests, real, hard-won, ongoing discipleship will be needed.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Gee D
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quote:
Originally posted by bib:
Pomona, I apologise for offending by saying the child's behaviour appeared feral. I agree it was an unfortunate term to use. You may notice that I did express caring feelings for the child whereas it was the mother who was at fault. However, why do you choose to label the child as autistic just on the basis of what I reported? I have worked with many autistic children and can assure you that he does not fit the category. I think he was probably tired and bored and had a parent who didn't care or fulfil her parenting duties.

I don't see any need for you to apologise, Bib. You did not say that the child was feral, simply that the behaviour was - and that's a pretty accurate name for what you set out. And the mother's behaviour was, well......

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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
A thought occurred to me this morning while flicking through a volume of C.G.Jung's essays, as one does of a cold Friday morning.

While I have no objection to <insert usual stuff about youth and the Church here>, surely if Jung has any mileage left in him at all, then one of his key insights is that spirituality tends to be something people pursue in the second half of life?

What do we think of that? And of the corollary that if it's true, then turfing out the second-half-of-lifers in order to create a "young Church" is probably the last thing we should be doing?

Personally, I think there's something in that. A lot of my work involves pastoral relationships with older people who have only begun to think really deeply about faith as they became older.

(But can we avoid reference to the old joke - "Mum, why does Granny read the Bible so much?" "She's cramming for her finals, dear.")

Wow, I just whizzed past this, didn't I?
So right, Adeodatus.

In my home church, I remember being saddened as a young adult by the us and them attitude between the youth and the older folk. On the one hand I remember the older folk-- particularly the older women, I have to say-- being really discouraging and sometimes outright vicious toward younger people (particularly young women) who were trying to include themselves in church roles (such as they were-- being on committees, serving the Altar Guild, etc.) At the same time, when we were planning the Youth led service and I advocated throwing in a couple favorite folk hymns to allow the older folk to actively participate, the Pastor himself accused me of appeasing the conformists and holding my fellow youth back.

I think what was missing here was the idea of mentoring-- both as a valuable resource and as a valued activity. In my case this had to do with the Pastor himself really wanting full control over what happened in the Church, but I wonder if under more reasonable circumstances there might be a way to formalize the mentor role for older parishioners?

I think people have made fleeting references to that dynamic in Mousethief's church-- the "babushkas" (older women) actually seem to have the task of babysitting new arrivals and helping them through the liturgy. What if that new couple with the screaming kid had a grandma/ grandpa type on hand to gently support the parents and help them through the hymn book at the same time?

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Curiosity killed ...

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There could be problems with a mentoring situation if there are people in church who are not supposed to be with children or young people for whatever reason. Mentoring can open cans of worms better not opened: how do you say that not all adults can be mentors and maintain confidentiality? How do you keep the child protection guidelines in place and allow mentoring?

I was also reflecting on the implications of losing the more established members of the church and replacing them with young people. There's a good chance that will result in a financial hit as the older people are the ones who are likely to be leaving legacies, setting up decent standing orders or whatever. Which could cause other problems in maintaining that church.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
: how do you say that not all adults can be mentors and maintain confidentiality? How do you keep the child protection guidelines in place and allow mentoring?


Well, if it was indeed formal, I'd think that would include a formal background check and a formal written statement of expected duties, including a confidentiality agreement. Signed by the prospective mentor. Or assigning the new gal an altar guild buddy.

Even informally, choosing people who are suited to the job and training them in it is a no-brainer. We train elders and lay readers and altar attendants, right? What's the difference?

And I think you are picturing something a lot more involved and intrusive than I was-- which was something along the lines of pointing out the page number in the hymnal.

[ 14. December 2014, 18:40: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Curiosity killed ...

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I was envisaging something that I have seen suggested where older members of the congregation build links with the young people to mentor them. Have phone numbers and access, type mentoring.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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Hm, yeah any kind of situation that involved access to personal information would have to be restricted to people who could be verifiably trusted with it. I was thinking more of helping with the flow of the normal routine.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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And maybe that is part of the problem-- people kind of tune out how important the smooth flow of a normal routine is-- especially if it is very smooth-- and therefore don't give enough credit to the ones who provide it. Putting them in a mentoring position helps give them that credit.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Lamb Chopped
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I was talking to a friend recently about an elderly relative and it struck me just now much we have gone away from giving old people their proper role as teachers. I mean seriously, it's a freaking waste not to listen to so many of these people, they've got a lifetime of experience and it mostly goes unused and uncommunicated after a certain age. The relative in question needed some work done but wasn't physically up to it, and refused to have someone do it for her out of "charity." Which I totally understand, but the thing I was wondering was whether the situation could be recast--as a teaching situation where she would be able to mentor / apprentice a younger person in doing the job.

Take gardening, for instance. Someone who is well past the heavy digging is likely to have oodles of information and experience that would be useful to a young would-be gardener. There could be an exchange there--his/her strength for the elder's knowledge and advice.

In the church, this kind of thing can involve anything from how to run the cranky kitchen appliances (which way do you turn the gas stove, and what the hell do you do when the boiler screws up?) to positions such as treasurer, secretary, trustee... and homelier things like how you herd cats (that is, deal with a pack of toddlers without losing your mind).

The teaching/mentoring/serving relationship can be as formal or informal as the people involved want it to be. I know I learned a helluva lot from the elders at our first congregation when I was in my mid-twenties and still wet behind the ears. and I think my ability to carry boxes etc. was appreciated in return.

Best of all, nobody has to feel beholden.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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cliffdweller
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Mentoring or even just sharing hobbies like is being suggested here is precisely what the Sticky Faith research cited above indicates is really effective in building those bonds that keep young people in church even into adolescence and beyond. I don't see asking the mentors to go through a background check as any barrier to this program, whether formal or informal-- as Kelly and others noted, this is something that is already done for Sunday School teachers, youth leaders, anyone else who is working with children and youth, so there's already natural processes in place (even in the US which doesn't have the formal process UK has). Anyone who didn't pass the background check wouldn't really be surprised when they were (confidentially) informed that they wouldn't be able to participate in the program.


quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:

I was also reflecting on the implications of losing the more established members of the church and replacing them with young people. There's a good chance that will result in a financial hit as the older people are the ones who are likely to be leaving legacies, setting up decent standing orders or whatever. Which could cause other problems in maintaining that church.

All very true. Which, as I mentioned before, all too often turns into a rationale for cow-towing to the elderly, giving them whatever they want "because they are the ones paying for it".

The flip side is that-- crass as it sounds-- those older people won't be there forever, whereas the young people theoretically could be (well, not forever obviously but longer) if we find a way to buck the trend and actually keep them in church.

All of which goes to the point of this thread-- that we need both. We need older members who will mentor the young, including mentoring in generous giving. And we need young people who will bring new ideas and insight, energy, and, yes, longevity.

[ 15. December 2014, 03:44: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Twilight

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:


All very true. Which, as I mentioned before, all too often turns into a rationale for cow-towing to the elderly, giving them whatever they want "because they are the ones paying for it".

The flip side is that-- crass as it sounds-- those older people won't be there forever, whereas the young people theoretically could be (well, not forever obviously but longer) if we find a way to buck the trend and actually keep them in church.


I wonder exactly what birthday marks the moment when a church member quits being an energetic, vital, valued member whose interests and tastes should be considered top priority and turns them into someone whose interests and tastes should be ignored? When does serving their interests become cowtowing and "giving them whatever they want." Is building a new nursery cowtowing to those babies and giving them whatever they want?

No, those babies wont be there forever, even if they don't leave the church for awhile as Jung, and I further up thread, predicted, they are still going to do something worse in the eyes of many -- turn into old people.

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:


All very true. Which, as I mentioned before, all too often turns into a rationale for cow-towing to the elderly, giving them whatever they want "because they are the ones paying for it".

The flip side is that-- crass as it sounds-- those older people won't be there forever, whereas the young people theoretically could be (well, not forever obviously but longer) if we find a way to buck the trend and actually keep them in church.


I wonder exactly what birthday marks the moment when a church member quits being an energetic, vital, valued member whose interests and tastes should be considered top priority and turns them into someone whose interests and tastes should be ignored? When does serving their interests become cowtowing and "giving them whatever they want." Is building a new nursery cowtowing to those babies and giving them whatever they want?

hmmm... apparently you clicked on the wrong post, since your comments don't seem to respond to what I actually said.

It might have helped had you not edited my post to eliminate the part where I made clear that I was not advocating prioritizing the needs of the young over those of the older members:


quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
All of which goes to the point of this thread-- that we need both. We need older members who will mentor the young, including mentoring in generous giving. And we need young people who will bring new ideas and insight, energy, and, yes, longevity.

Even though I'm one of those older members you supposedly value so much, I won't take it personally, since you seem to have the same problem reading everyone's posts.

[ 15. December 2014, 13:15: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Eutychus
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hosting/

quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Even though I'm one of those older members you supposedly value so much, I won't take it personally, since you seem to have the same problem reading everyone's posts.

You seem to have a problem with the idea that personal insults are not allowed here. Lay off or take it to Hell.

/hosting

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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy

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cliffdweller
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You're right, my apologies. It is indeed getting difficult to stay out of the hellish territory this topic seems to lead us to time and time again.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:




All of which goes to the point of this thread-- that we need both. We need older members who will mentor the young, including mentoring in generous giving. And we need young people who will bring new ideas and insight, energy, and, yes, longevity.

I'm sorry also, that I've had trouble keeping a civil response in this thread and I think this quote might help explain something.

Cliffdweller thinks the point of this thread is "that we need both."

I think the point of this thread is to answer the question: "Is the church ageist?" To me the answer to that is clearly, "Yes." The evidence is in our experiences and in the posts on this thread. Just read them and substitute racial terms for "young," and "old." Or for "old biddy," and "vibrant young single mother." Imagine a sentence on this board where Race Y was described as energetic and full of joy and Race X was always seen as stubborn and selfish.

Imagine, in an attempt to prove a lack of racism, someone said that We need Race X because they can be helpful to Race Y and because they contribute money. We need Race Y just for themselves, because they will bring new ideas and insight, energy.

Isn't it ageist to value older people only in how they might help the young, rather than for themselves?

Suppose Race X wanted a certain kind of food at the dinners and providing that food was described as cowtowing to their interests?

I don't disagree that the church needs both young and old people and that we should try to meet all their needs. I think, for a long time, older people have already been mentoring the young through teaching Sunday school classes,vacation bible school, leading the children's choir and a dozen other contributions. Children, of course, have added joy and pleasure to almost every event.

I just don't know when it became okay to view the older ones as such a negative problem, only justified through how they can help the young.

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:

All of which goes to the point of this thread-- that we need both. We need older members who will mentor the young, including mentoring in generous giving. And we need young people who will bring new ideas and insight, energy, and, yes, longevity.

I'm sorry also, that I've had trouble keeping a civil response in this thread and I think this quote might help explain something.

Cliffdweller thinks the point of this thread is "that we need both."

I think the point of this thread is to answer the question: "Is the church ageist?" To me the answer to that is clearly, "Yes." The evidence is in our experiences and in the posts on this thread. Just read them and substitute racial terms for "young," and "old." Or for "old biddy," and "vibrant young single mother." Imagine a sentence on this board where Race Y was described as energetic and full of joy and Race X was always seen as stubborn and selfish.

I don't think the point of the thread is "do we need both?". I think "we need both" is the answer to the question both you and the OP are asking-- "is the church ageist?". I and pretty much everyone on this thread has agreed with you that, yes, the Church is ageist. Where we disagree is that many of us see the ageism working both ways. We see and have agreed with you re many forms of ageism that works against older members of our congregations in ways that are hurtful as well as ill-advised and, of course, unChristian. Where we disagree is that many of us have also observed ageism working in the other direction-- where children, youth, and young people (particularly young singles) are disadvantaged in different but no less hurtful ways. Which is why I and others have been affirming the principle that we need both. We need to value and honor the contributions of every member of the congregation, of all ages.


quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Isn't it ageist to value older people only in how they might help the young, rather than for themselves?

Absolutely. And vice-versa as well.

otoh, both older people and young people seem to enjoy it when they are able to contribute to the community. Both groups seem to appreciate feeling like they have something real to offer (which they do) despite their chronological age.


quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:

I just don't know when it became okay to view the older ones as such a negative problem, only justified through how they can help the young.

I don't think anyone here has suggested that.

[ 15. December 2014, 19:30: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Autenrieth Road

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What is this stereotype that it's only the younger people with the new ideas? If you talk to the older people in my church, there's a whole range of what different people want, including people who want things that are different from how we currently do them. Lots of "I wish we could do this" or "why don't we do that?"

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Truth

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
..as Kelly and others noted, this is something that is already done for Sunday School teachers, youth leaders, anyone else who is working with children and youth, so there's already natural processes in place (even in the US which doesn't have the formal process UK has). .

... You're talking about just Sunday School, right? Because in most US states I know of you can't get any kind of child/ youth work job without a background check, a TB Test, and a fingerprint scan. And it's been that way for a very long time. I haven't been in the Sunday School loop for a while, but it would surprise me if most churches haven't followed suit.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
..as Kelly and others noted, this is something that is already done for Sunday School teachers, youth leaders, anyone else who is working with children and youth, so there's already natural processes in place (even in the US which doesn't have the formal process UK has). .

... You're talking about just Sunday School, right? Because in most US states I know of you can't get any kind of child/ youth work job without a background check, a TB Test, and a fingerprint scan. And it's been that way for a very long time. I haven't been in the Sunday School loop for a while, but it would surprise me if most churches haven't followed suit.
That's what I was saying... that most churches require a background check for any volunteer job working with minors (TB test & fingerprint scans less common). My offhand remark was simply that I've gathered in the UK this process is centralized making it a bit easier, whereas in the US everybody's doing it on their own one-off so a bit less standardized/ organized. But still the norm.

[ 16. December 2014, 16:52: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Lamb Chopped
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quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I just don't know when it became okay to view the older ones as such a negative problem, only justified through how they can help the young.

You're reading too much into this. Threads drift away from the original question, and really, this one hasn't drifted very far at all.

Since I suspect you're aiming at me with the "only justified through how they can help the young," I'll just tell you that you're wrong. No such thing was ever said or intended.

[ 16. December 2014, 18:26: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Autenrieth Road

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I don't understand why mentoring has to be linked to going through the processes for child protection training/background checks. Are we assuming that this mentoring has to be an organized program of the church, through which all mentoring is funneled? What if someone just introduces themselves to a new member or members, and gets on with being helpful? Or is that to be discouraged?

[ 16. December 2014, 19:12: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]

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Truth

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Doublethink.
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Because lawsuits.

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
I don't understand why mentoring has to be linked to going through the processes for child protection training/background checks. Are we assuming that this mentoring has to be an organized program of the church, through which all mentoring is funneled? What if someone just introduces themselves to a new member or members, and gets on with being helpful? Or is that to be discouraged?

Obviously there is nothing the church can do if two members make such informal arrangements, but yes, i would discourage them from doing so in a way that bypasses the ordinary screening procedures. These procedures protect the mentor as well as the mentoree.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
Because lawsuits.

Actually, because of abuse. Lawsuits are just an additional unfortunate consequence.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Autenrieth Road

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Obviously there is nothing the church can do if two members make such informal arrangements, but yes, i would discourage them from doing so in a way that bypasses the ordinary screening procedures. These procedures protect the mentor as well as the mentoree.

I consider mentoring to be a form of friendship. So, no friendships at church that cross age lines? My child protection training/vetting isn't up to date; should I avoid talking to children and their families at church? If I had children, should I be checking that someone's vetting is up-to-date before I become friends with them?

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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Obviously there is nothing the church can do if two members make such informal arrangements, but yes, i would discourage them from doing so in a way that bypasses the ordinary screening procedures. These procedures protect the mentor as well as the mentoree.

I consider mentoring to be a form of friendship. So, no friendships at church that cross age lines? My child protection training/vetting isn't up to date; should I avoid talking to children and their families at church? If I had children, should I be checking that someone's vetting is up-to-date before I become friends with them?
You can be friends w/ someone w/o being alone with them. It is primarily that alone one-on-one time (often a component of mentoring) that puts you, the child, and the Church at risk. Life is complicated, but yes, it's best if you have been background checked before having that sort of one-on-one time.

That feels harsh, and restrictive-- not just to you, but really to all of us. It's unfortunate, it gets in the way of the sorts of natural relationships and even innocent physical affection that children thrive on. Each church community will parse that challenge differently, weigh the risks differently. But these most will ask you to be background checked before engaging in those sorts of relationships. And parents these days expect them-- so yes, they WILL ask. Any church that encourages lots of one-on-one unsupervised relationships w/o background checks will very quickly find the young families have rapidly moved somewhere else. That is tragic, for a lot of reasons, but it is today's reality.

That does leave room, of course, for all sorts of friendly encounters in large public gatherings-- coffee fellowship, etc. And background checks don't need to be onerous. But sadly the are a cost of doing ministry these days.

[ 16. December 2014, 21:29: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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Autenrieth Road

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I think we might be understanding very different things by mentoring, and by the circumstances under which it takes place.

I don't see it as something that requires lots of one-on-one unsupervised contact between adults and children. Indeed, from Lamb Chopped's original way she described it, and regardless of whether it's done formally or informally, I see it as a relationship initiated between adults, not between an adult and a child.


Separate from that: how does having gone through a background check and training in child safety procedures protect the mentor?

From my recollection of when I went through this before, the way it protected me is that I learned some things about not touching children (so when I was acolyte master and needed a measurement, having the child or their parent take the measurement), and always having two adults present when in a room with children.

But that isn't changed by whether or not my certification is up-to-date. And if these things are important to protect the adults in the church, perhaps the information should be made more public and all the adults should be educated on these matters. Because who knows when you might happen to find yourself alone in a room with a child by chance, or want to pick up a child that has fallen down, or whatever.

I accept that it's a fact that for the official roles of adults working with children, this kind of vetting is a requirement now. But what you're describing makes it sound as if anyone who wants to be fully a member of the church and actually become friends with anyone who has children, had better have their vetting in place.


Do parents making friends with the parents of their children's friends, check that those other parents have been vetted?

[ 16. December 2014, 21:52: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]

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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
I think we might be understanding very different things by mentoring, and by the circumstances under which it takes place.

I don't see it as something that requires lots of one-on-one unsupervised contact between adults and children. Indeed, from Lamb Chopped's original way she described it, and regardless of whether it's done formally or informally, I see it as a relationship initiated between adults, not between an adult and a child.

In my response to you I addressed all these variations, while indicating that it is primarily unsupervised one-on-one mentoring between an adult and a "vulnerable other" (which might be another adult in some circumstances) that is subject to these sort of precautions.

[ 16. December 2014, 21:57: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Separate from that: how does having gone through a background check and training in child safety procedures protect the mentor?

From my recollection of when I went through this before, the way it protected me is that I learned some things about not touching children (so when I was acolyte master and needed a measurement, having the child or their parent take the measurement), and always having two adults present when in a room with children.

Well, that's a huge part of it. Most churches that have good procedures for background checking volunteers will also have good practices that alert you to things like that which might not otherwise occur to you, and other practices that help protect you from false allegations. Not foolproof of course, but you are generally safer in a church that has such protections than one that does not.


quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

And if these things are important to protect the adults in the church, perhaps the information should be made more public and all the adults should be educated on these matters. Because who knows when you might happen to find yourself alone in a room with a child by chance, or want to pick up a child that has fallen down, or whatever.

Yes, it is helpful when churches make these things known generally-- and many do. Of course, as I said, life is complicated. Stuff will happen. None of us are going to just sit back on our hands while a child with a bloody knee is sobbing. As I said, all of us find these restrictions unnatural and intrusive. Each community will parse where to draw the lines and how to weigh the risks differently. But a wise community will at least be having these conversations.


quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

I accept that it's a fact that for the official roles of adults working with children, this kind of vetting is a requirement now. But what you're describing makes it sound as if anyone who wants to be fully a member of the church and actually become friends with anyone who has children, had better have their vetting in place.

I believe I said fairly clearly that you can be friends with a child w/o being alone w/ him or her, and specifically said there are all sorts of ways to have friendly encounters in public spaces w/o any of these sorts of concerns arising. Beyond that-- see my para above.


quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Do parents making friends with the parents of their children's friends, check that those other parents have been vetted?

Many will before leaving their children alone in their care. Some won't if they are friends. It varies, like most things. Once again (I've said this several times, but you seem to miss it?) it usually only arises when an adult is alone w/ an unrelated minor. Which, again, leaves lots of room for friendly group encounters in public areas.

This has become quite the tangent, though. Is there some reason why you're pursuing it so doggedly? Perhaps a separate thread would be in order?

[ 16. December 2014, 22:08: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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Autenrieth Road

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[cross-posted. I'll read what you just wrote and try posting again.]

[ 16. December 2014, 22:09: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]

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Autenrieth Road

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
This has become quite the tangent, though. Is there some reason why you're pursuing it so doggedly? Perhaps a separate thread would be in order?

It doesn't feel like a tangent (yet) to me, because it's about how a church can encourage the idea of mentorship, as one way of connecting longer-term members and more-recent members.

Lamp Chopped mentioned something that to me seemed reasonable -- longer term members acting as mentors to bring along more recent members.

To me, that's something informal that happens between people. Or the minister perhaps introduces people to each other. It seems to me that's happened before (I've certainly observed this often) -- someone alone at coffee hour, someone starts a conversation with them, says "oh, I'd like you to meet so-and-so," takes them over and introduces them to so-and-so. Perhaps there's encouragement from the pulpit -- along the same lines as encouragement to wear your nametag at coffee hour, or talk to people you don't know, or scooch over in your pew to make it easy for someone to join you. You know, general teaching about "how to be a welcoming parish." Then the two people involved work out what conversations they have, what information gets passed on, how the friendship develops, and so on.

But your first reaction to it seems to be to conceive of it as a formal program of the church.

So all these things that I thought were just part of normal church life -- making friends at church -- appear to be potentially dangerous activities that shouldn't be encouraged unless the church can officially organize them and vet everyone involved.

That saddens me, and it also makes me wonder if I've understood you correctly. Because it seems to me as if you're saying the church can't encourage longer-term members to take an interest in more-recent members, without setting up a formal program.

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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
[QUOTE]
That saddens me, and it also makes me wonder if I've understood you correctly. Because it seems to me as if you're saying the church can't encourage longer-term members to take an interest in more-recent members, without setting up a formal program.

You DO seem to be misunderstanding me, even though I feel like I've explained it several times now. I'm not really sure how many ways to say, "no, it doesn't have to be formal, and there's all sorts of ways to have friendly encounters in public places."

And again, the kinds of precautions needed around one-on-one encounters (outside of public spaces)-- whether formal or informal-- make ALL of us sad. I've said several times, they frustrate all of us, are unnatural, and can be intrusive. That makes all of us sad. And, again, every community will parse the risks/benefits differently and draw the lines differently around all the things you're asking about. But, again, a wise community WILL be having the hard conversations.

But I'm repeating myself. Not really sure where the confusion is coming from or how to make myself clearer.

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Lamp Chopped mentioned something that to me seemed reasonable -- longer term members acting as mentors to bring along more recent members.

It IS a good and reasonable idea. I'm not sure what it is I've said that makes you think otherwise. Again, my point (lost long ago) was that the need for background checks (which was raised by another member) does not need to be a barrier for such a thing, since most churches already do them fairly regularly.


quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

To me, that's something informal that happens between people. Or the minister perhaps introduces people to each other. It seems to me that's happened before (I've certainly observed this often) -- someone alone at coffee hour, someone starts a conversation with them, says "oh, I'd like you to meet so-and-so," takes them over and introduces them to so-and-so. Perhaps there's encouragement from the pulpit -- along the same lines as encouragement to wear your nametag at coffee hour, or talk to people you don't know, or scooch over in your pew to make it easy for someone to join you. You know, general teaching about "how to be a welcoming parish." Then the two people involved work out what conversations they have, what information gets passed on, how the friendship develops, and so on.

But your first reaction to it seems to be to conceive of it as a formal program of the church.

I specifically mentioned coffee fellowship as an example of precisely the sort of informal friendly encounters in a public area which would not need any sort of vetting. So, again, it's odd that you would raise that. I'm finding this whole conversation oddly antagonistic for no reason I can figure out.

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Twilight

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I just don't know when it became okay to view the older ones as such a negative problem, only justified through how they can help the young.

You're reading too much into this. Threads drift away from the original question, and really, this one hasn't drifted very far at all.

Since I suspect you're aiming at me with the "only justified through how they can help the young," I'll just tell you that you're wrong. No such thing was ever said or intended.

Actually, I was not aiming at you but at Cliffdweller in response to this:
quote:
All of which goes to the point of this thread-- that we need both. We need older members who will mentor the young, including mentoring in generous giving. And we need young people who will bring new ideas and insight, energy, and, yes, longevity.

But we already discussed that.
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Lamb Chopped
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I think we're all talking past each other.

See if this works for everybody:

Anybody who wants to involve underage children in mentoring or other relationships with unrelated adults in the church would be best off to have this happen in some sort of program with formal background checks.

Adult mentoring of adults can be anything on a range from "Hey, George, could you show Lena how to make coffee? You always do it the best" which requires nothing but a thoughtful brain cell, all the way through semi-purposeful scheming on the part of a pastor or other interested person ("I wonder if I introduce Ole to Sven, if Ole might be willing to show him how the HVAC systems work around here.") to formal programs approved and run by the church leaders ("We are looking for people to serve as apprentices to the current treasurer, secretary, and Sunday School director, with the possibility of picking up this work as an officer in the future. Anyone with an interest or with nominations, please see So-and-so and we'll bring it up at the voters' assembly and run the usual checks") etc.

There are some things that are obvious risks, some things that aren't risks at all (in any reasonable sense, I mean) and some that are in the middle. And a thoughtful, intelligent church / church leadership ought to be able to figure them out and apply proper precautions (if any) to each.

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Autenrieth Road

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cliffdweller, thank you for the posts you've made trying to explain this to me. I appreciate your being willing to try to help me understand. I don't know where the disconnect is coming from either. I wonder if part of it is coming from this: do you see this mentoring idea as something that would primarily be between adults and children? Or perhaps very possibly between adults and children, even if not primarily so?

I was thinking of it as something between adults. (Or let us say, I was imagining non-vulnerable adults -- I did catch your reference to vulnerable adults as also needing protection, but I need to rethink everything completely to even formulate my questions about how a church does that, for which I'll start a separate thread.)


I'm not trying to be hostile; I'm trying to make sense of something that for some reason makes no sense to me. Perhaps I haven't figured out the right way to explain what has me confused; it's not the surface level of "adults working with children at church need vetting but there are lots of public areas for interaction that don't need vetting." I agree with that.

Perhaps an analogy might explain something of the disconnect as it feels on my end. Suppose I'm talking about how to recruit more tenors and basses to our adult choir. And someone says "We need to be careful because if they're going to be alone with children they need child safety vetting." And then I'm left wondering how child safety vetting came into the conversation at all. Even agreeing that child safety vetting is important if adults are going to be alone with children, I would be confused as to why it came up in a discussion about an adult choir. (But maybe I'm fearfully out of date and it should come up in connection with adult organizations in the church. But that starts getting into things I'll put on the other thread.) (I'll start it later tonight, or tomorrow; it will take me awhile to figure out how to make a concise and comprehensible OP for it.)

I'll also reread this thread and see if I can figure out where I started getting confused and reread particularly in light of what you've been saying in your later posts.

[ 17. December 2014, 01:34: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]

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Gee D
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I cannot speak of other states here, but in NSW it is necessary to carry out a check for all those working with children. If the contact is only very occasional and a person who has had the check is always present, you can get away without it. For example, I took a senior sunday school class for a couple of lessons last year. As I was always accompanied by a person who had had the full check, I did not need to undergo one.

Back to AR's last post - it's important to build the idea of child safety into daily parish life. Parish members must constantly be vigilant about their own behaviour and that of others. Does X always seem to be hanging around the edges of an activity not really part of their role? Is Y making inappropriate comments? Parishes here must maintain a properly trained safe ministry officer, separate from the usual parish structure, not only to keep an eye out for that sort of behaviour, but for me to go to when I observe it.

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cliffdweller
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quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
cliffdweller, thank you for the posts you've made trying to explain this to me. I appreciate your being willing to try to help me understand. I don't know where the disconnect is coming from either. I wonder if part of it is coming from this: do you see this mentoring idea as something that would primarily be between adults and children? Or perhaps very possibly between adults and children, even if not primarily so?

Yes, obviously mentoring can happen between adults and is a useful methodology to consider. But the immediate context of the discussion (days ago) was about encouraging/developing a multi-generational church. It was in that immediate context that the mentoring suggestion was made-- which was questioned by another poster who suggested that the need for background checks might make it logistically impossible. My comment was a response to that very specific objection in that very specific context-- while I was agreeing with the poster that a mentoring program that involved minors would require background checks, I was suggesting it need not be considered a barrier to such a program, given that most churches already do background checks for any volunteers working with minors. It was a very specific and tangental comment in response to a very specific and targeted concern.

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Kelly Alves

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Yeah, I found the introduction of background checks kind of jarring, and I admit that, as a longtime Lifescan inductee, I felt the need to correct an apparently unresearched comment about US childcare procedures,and thus contributed to the tangent. But my first reaction was, why does someone need a background check to teach someone where the altar linens go, or how to tend the roses, or how to arrange the parish hall to seat 100.

And upthread, buried in the tangent, someone commented in the threat younger people gave to older folk," replacing their jobs." My response is that, if the older folk are given some reason to connect with younger folk wanting to help-- like being designated their patron--- they will be less intimidated by new folk.

I mentioned that a group of older women in my home church did have the attitude that younger people were out to poach their roles. Long story short, this attitude wound up driving an entire generation of youth to seek church elsewhere- a thriving, invested, close knit youth group just vaporized because when they became more of a prescence in the church's functions, people shut them down.( for example, one young lady who was eager to join the ladies' guild was jeered out of the group because she wrote hand- calligraphed invitations to a luncheon rather than sending out the routine photocopied mass mailer.)

I volunteer at a TV station, There are high school kids volunteering there, and there are people in their eighties working there. The older folk are much beloved and very involved, and the youth work side by side with them with amazing camaraderie and affection. I think a big part of this dynamic is that we are all working on the same goal-- proletarian comeradery, if you will. But I also think it is because the older folk didn't just pick up and leave when new folk came in. But then, we have never had to worry about what to do with an excess of volunteers. I wonder how many churches have this problem.

Which also leads me to wonder how volunteers are treated in various churches. My pastor used to make snarky remarks about people"letting their Martha overtake their Mary" and it was very clear church routine was secondary to preaching and teaching. At the TV station, the General Manager practically kisses our ass-he and the regular staff tell us, over and over again, that the very exciting local programming our station provides would not happen if we didn't show up. We are treated witn respect and appreciation, therefore we respect and appreciate each other.

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L'organist
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In the UK anyone working with children, either in a salaried or unpaid volunteer capacity has to be vetted - this used to be called a CRB check (Criminal Records Bureau) but is sometimes now referred to as a Safeguarding check.

All large organisations which involve children have to appoint someone to be responsible for safeguarding - that includes all churches.

Anyone under the age of 18 is deemed to be a child so anyone working with a group of people where one of them is under the age of 18 needs to be vetted.

There are differences of opinion as to how far the vetting should go: in some churches every single member of a choir is vetted if they have children in the choir, in others it is only the director of music.

Legal opinion obtained in two dioceses just after the publication of the first version of Protecting All God's Children was that if an under 18 year old attends any church unaccompanied by a parent or in loco parentis adult then everyone in the congregation who has not been vetted should leave. This opinion has not changed in the lifetime of the four revisions of the original document. However, most churches see that this (unintended) consequence is ridiculous and so only insist on vetting for people likely to be in a one-to-one situation with the under 18.

As you can imagine, this has had quite an effect on work with children and young people and parishes have lost youth groups, children's choirs and toddler groups because of it. Every parent wants whoever runs or helps with an activity to be checked but aren't prepared to go through the checks themselves - or you end up with a crisis (sudden illness) which means there is no one available to run the activity who has been checked.

Biggest problem is that the checks aren't portable: I have to have separate checks for each church that I work in and this can make finding a deputy at short notice impossible.

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Curiosity killed ...

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I brought up the issue of mentoring and being careful. I was thinking of a specific situation, where a church allowed a registered sex offender to join that church when that person (and their family) had been thrown out of their original church. All well and good, the church should be there for everyone and welcome all. And in that situation, rather than being persecuted, confidentiality does need respecting.

The problem then arose when that said sex offender then refused to follow the agreed contract and avoid situations with children. She was the first volunteer for any and each situation when mentoring or welcoming was requested, and was the last person who should have been allowed near children and families. I strongly suggested that anyone on the welcome team should be DBS checked (old CRB) as a way of losing that problem when it arose.

There are several immediate issues with this - firstly the church is not protecting children and secondly the access provided is likely to mean that "the nice lady from church" gained access outside the church when met elsewhere.

Now this is a known sex offender against children. What is the chance that some of the more helpful people around are unknown or just haven't told the church? How does the church know without checking?

And it's not just children - vulnerable adults also need protection.

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Somebody upthread said that they, a single female, and their friend, a single male, felt as if their church had no place for them, which is a real shame. However, I have to say that at my local church a few years ago, a man aged just under 60 and a woman a few years younger met and married, and are now very happy together and lead a Bible study, which I attend and enjoy even though I'm the youngest person there by about 10 years.

I currently attend two churches, which are similar in some ways and miles apart in others. They are similar in that they are both Anglican, fairly traditional and mid-high church, and of course are in the same diocese. However, one of them has a female priest (not a bad thing in itself), who has several other diocesan jobs besides parish obligations (a bad thing I'd say), so that she is rarely around for parish visiting, church socials (unless wine involved!) or even at the end of a telephone (answering machine notwithstanding). She goes along with the trend for attracting families, which is all very well, but I know that a lot of the older church members feel sidelined. Yes, it's time for the people aged 70+ to let younger people take over (they've been saying it for long enough!) but please don't forget the older people who've been such a help over the years.

A prime example of this was the carol service they held this year. Rather than have a traditional service of lessons and carols in the evening, the Vicar decided to have a carol service in the morning, which was aimed at children and their families. By all accounts it was very nice, but why couldn't there also be a traditional carol service? The vicar said that the choir weren't up to it, but then why couldn't we have a congregational service in the evening, where we all sing our favourite carols to candlelight?

This church also held the Christmas Midnight communion service, which people from the other churches in the town attended.

The other church I attend held a traditional carol service, with 5 carols and 4 congregational hymns and 6 readings. It was very enjoyable and afterwards we had a buffet.

The previous vicar of this church was not keen on children in church, although he used to visit the local school and was friendly enough towards young families. However, they were not particularly welcome, and the new vicar has his work cut out to attract younger people. He is very enthusiastic and we all hope (including those aged 80+) that he can attract young families as well as keep the older generation.

I've attended both churches over the Christmas period, but I suppose I must be lucky to be able to do this.

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Holy Smoke
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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
...I strongly suggested that anyone on the welcome team should be DBS checked (old CRB) as a way of losing that problem when it arose.

Somebody more knowledgable may be able to confirm it, but my understanding is that it is illegal (in the UK) to request a DBS check unless it is legally required.
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Kelly Alves

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In this case, though, a check was not necessary, because when the lady came in, it was known she was a sex offender. The problem seems to be people not sticking to their guns and restricting her when she violated the contract to keep away from kids.

As stated above, the rules seem to be that anyone working with even one person under 18 needs to be checked. That leaves a whole lot of things an elderly person can do with people 18 and up.

I wasn't even thinking of kids when I suggested mentoring-- I would call people who mentored youth "youth workers". I was thinking of young adults and older-- people who are ready for full fledged service positions, who could probably use an experienced guide.

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M.
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Holy Smoke, yes, as I understand it that was the case under the old CRB system, we had some problems with that at work (people demanding CRB checks when they were not required).

I don't know whether it's the same under the VBS.

M.

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Curiosity killed ...

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Churches can decide that certain roles require contact with children in supervisory and advisory roles and ask that volunteers should be police checked.

The problem is that the CCPAS Guidelines (pdf) Help...Sexual Offenders and Church Attendance suggest:

  • An offender should not be permitted to get close to children (either physically or emotionally)
  • He or she should not sit in the vicinity of children at church or attend house/cell group meetings where there are children in the home.
  • An offender should never be allowed to work with children and young people.
  • They should not hold positions of leadership or responsibility where seen by children within the church because a child is likely to regard them as someone they can trust.
  • they should not undertake any activity where they might be seen as in a position of trust. eg giving books out at the door, greeting people, reading the lesson, leading prayers or a bible study, because a child is likely to regard them as
    someone they can trust.

From the CofE document from 2010 - Protecting all God's Children (pdf)
quote:
8.7 Research has indicated that a higher proportion of convicted offenders against children may be found in church congregations than in the population generally. It is therefore probable that many congregations will have people who have abused children among their worshippers, some of whom will be known. Not all will have committed sexual offences; some will have been guilty of neglect, physical or emotional abuse. They may still present a risk to children. The church’s duty to minister to all imposes a particular responsibility to such people. However, this must not compromise the safety of children. If a congregation is generally aware of how offenders will be treated it will be easier to deal confidentially with a specific case, should one occur.
Having watched a known sex offender refuse to follow a contract for attendance (it was described as a silly bit of paper) it made me much more wary about people volunteering to do anything with children and worry about how badly churches are unprepared for abuse in the way they are encouraging involvement in the way they do.

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Holy Smoke
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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
Churches can decide that certain roles require contact with children in supervisory and advisory roles and ask that volunteers should be police checked.

Actually, no they can't, they may only request a check if the role falls within the legal criteria.

quote:
Having watched a known sex offender refuse to follow a contract for attendance (it was described as a silly bit of paper) it made me much more wary about people volunteering to do anything with children and worry about how badly churches are unprepared for abuse in the way they are encouraging involvement in the way they do.
And it makes perfectly innocent people understandably extremely wary about volunteering to do anything with children.
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L'organist
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The biggest problem with the safeguarding routine is that it only uncovers those people who have previously been caught and convicted: it cannot - no checks can - bring to attention those who may have offended against children and/or vulnerable people but who have evaded detection.

So it all comes back to common sense and safety first: churches are at liberty to impose any rules they choose on anyone who volunteers to help with activities involving children/under 18s; anyone who objects may or may not have a case but it is up to the church to set the boundaries and to make sure that the rules it has set are kept.

In the case of a known sex offender refusing to adhere to something set out on a 'silly piece of paper' then the churchwardens and/or incumbent must act and let it be known to the person concerned that they are not welcome if they won't stick to the rules: they should communicate this in writing with copies to the bishop and archdeacon. If they're at all unsure then they can call an emergency meeting of the Standing Committee to spread the burden.

So far the CofE has escaped very lightly when it comes to claims for damages but this won't always be the case, and wardens and incumbents should be aware that they may be held personally responsible for errors of judgement or laxity in applying procedures.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Curiosity killed ...

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It's actually the responsibility of the Church Safeguarding Officer / Church Child Protection Officer who is not allowed to be a member of the clergy to enforce safeguarding issues, with the support of the PCC and parish priest.

Holy Smoke, if churches do not suggest and enforce sensible ways of working with vulnerable people then the church is neglecting its duties. And if people aren't prepared to follow safeguarding guidelines to work with children and other vulnerable people then that raises a whole long list of other questions as to why. Because we are Christian is not an answer as to why not to follow good practice.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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