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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Need Money Please Reply
Graven Image
Shipmate
# 8755

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How are you doing today? hope you are well and fine, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, My wife and I left Nazareth and came down here to Bethlehem for the census, Unfortunately we fell among theives outside the inn where we had been staying, all cash, creditcards and cell were stolen off us, but luckily for us we still have our life and passports with us.
We went to the local Roman constabulary but they're not helping issues at all they asked us to wait for 3 weeks which we can not because Mariam is great with child. In fact, unless you can help us it looks like she may have to bring forth her child in the barn we’re taking temporary shelter in and lay him or her in the manger.
We need a quick loan from you. Can you help?
Joseph bar-Yakov

[ 01. February 2011, 04:47: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

Posts: 2641 | From: Third planet from the sun. USA | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673

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Take heart, Joseph. I am Nigerian Princess unfortunately widowed due to my dear husband Prince Nokotula-um-Siphi unfortunately dye from rare disease. If you wire 5,000 denari to National Bank, I make sure you will have first class hotel to stay in and prime hospital delivery for you beautfiull wife.

Then you can be beneficiary of my late husband's estate. Unfortunately, we have no children of our own and I give to you of 348,990,221,073 dnarii. Simply wire 5,000 to National Bank and I wire back to you.

[ 20. December 2010, 22:33: Message edited by: Angel Wrestler ]

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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)

Posts: 2767 | From: half-way up the ladder | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged
Zappa
Ship's Wake
# 8433

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Dear joe bar yakob. I deeply appreciate your Plight with the Lord jesus and Thininking am you might be under attack of the dEvil. DoNot listen to dreaming things. For nomore than $US1000 I can arrange Prayer for you and Loved 1s and you will be washed in the Blod of the Little Sheepy.

In jesuslove my bank will be ready to recieve yours moneys for saying of this prayers.

[ 20. December 2010, 23:32: Message edited by: Zappa ]

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shameless self promotion - because I think it's worth it
and mayhap this too: http://broken-moments.blogspot.co.nz/

Posts: 18917 | From: "Central" is all they call it | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Things might seem tought now, but I have a funny feeling that you're about to receive three visitors from far away, who will bring you those things you need most: plenty of money, something to mask the stink of all those barnyard animals, and medicine.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783

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Say, listen Joe, if your three visitors are named Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar, you have reason for hope.
If they are named Larry, Curly and Moe, you can at least expect to laugh.
If their names include any three of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, or Michael Savage, you should still be okay; talk radio hasn't been invented yet in your part of the world.
If they are surrounded by men in black, and are named Barack, George W., and Bill, though, they will probably talk non-stop until you fall into a very uneasy sleep.
Oh, by the way, I can't help you; my credit cards are maxed out.
Time of year for that, you see.

[ 21. December 2010, 01:46: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]

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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)

Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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The answer is in the stars. Or, more precisely a very large one which should be hovering above your temporary about any time about nowish.

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Suze

Ship's Barmaid
# 5639

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The problem really is your over reliance on cheap credit and the public sector to provide for your wife and family. In the current economic crisis we're focused on getting people back into work and off of benefits. Your local Job Centre will be able to set you up with a minimum wage job that will exclude you from just about every other kind of assistance but won't actually pay enough for you to live on. You have a barn over your head. Be grateful. I've had to lay off my private photographer.

At least you're still entitled to child benefit.

Yours sincerely

Callmedave

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' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell

Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
Moth

Shipmate
# 2589

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Dear Joseph,

I cannot help thinking that you have brought your misfortunes upon yourself. You should have taken out proper insurance against theft and also private health insurance - you can't expect the NHS to pick up the tab when your willfully gallivant about the country in this fashion. If you had not squandered your money in the past, but paid regular premiums, you would now be receiving a fine cash pay-out after filling in no more than half-a-dozen long, complicated and incomprehensible forms and using up all your mobile credit trying to call us. You would only have yourself to blame if you did not make a successful claim, as our contracts are careful to make you responsible for telling us everything, relevant or not.

I get tired of people like you failing to insure properly then pleading misfortune. Get a grip!

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"There are governments that burn books, and then there are those that sell the libraries and shut the universities to anyone who can't pay for a key." Laurie Penny.

Posts: 3446 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128

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I confess to being perplexed by your situation. You are in your ancestral town and yet you have not been able to approach your family for help? I appreciate that you may not have been in touch for many years but, as they say, "blood is thicker than water" and they are obligated to do something for you, even if it only be a loan.

Or has there been a familial rift? Is this "no room" business symptomatic of a deeper breakdown in relations? Is there a general feeling of revulsion that you should not only have brought your impregnated fiancee with you but then committed blasphemy with your cock-and-bull stories about God?

I think there is more to your request than first meets the eye.

PS Anyone who watched you on television last night would have seen that you had squandered your financial reserves on building a ridiculously large and expensive house, anyway.

[ 21. December 2010, 07:48: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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The OP title sounded familiar.

Here was me thinking my brother had made his way to Ship of Fools

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Even more so than I was before

Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Just tell me exactly your location in this 'stable' (exact GPS positioning, or OS co-ordinates preferred) and I will be able to murd, erm, I mean help this little baby when it arrives.
Lots of jealousy, I mean, love,
Herod.

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Thank you for your email. I am now out of the office, and will not be back until after Saturnalia.

If you need help with the census form (Form A), or need it in a different language, please contact one of our trained advisors who may be able to help you fill it in if you do not speak fluent Latin.

If you feel that the census form does not adequately reflect your circumstances, or your circumstances are likely to change in the immediate future, please speak to one of our trained advisors who will issue you with Forms A and B. Please note that these are in Latin only.

If you are not a Bethlehem resident but are here for the purpose of the census, as a non-resident of this town you should in the interim complete Form C (Latin only) in addition to Forms A and B plus provide documentary proof of residence, countersigned by two officials in your own place of origin. You will also need to let us know how long you are staying here and whether you intend to do any work, paid or unpaid, during this time.

If on the way here you have met with bandits, highwaymen, thieves, robbers, muggers, fast food merchants, ticket touts, gold smugglers or unlicensed dealers in frankincense and myrrh, and would like to bring this to the attention of the authorities, please fill in Form D (Latin only) and return it to this office for our statistics report.

We regret that we are unable to deal with any queries regarding aspects of temporary accommodation for travellers.

Please note that our trained advisors are dealing with a very high number of inquiries at this time of year so there may be some delay in responding to you. Please also note that all our offices are currently closed for the Saturnalia. I trust this answers any queries you may have. Thank you and enjoy the festival.

Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Ariel, you are the person Mr. C. had to deal with when attempting to fill out his retirement forms, and I claim my £5.

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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Your call is really important to us, but unfortunately all our analysts are busy right now helping other customers. Please call again after the holiday, or alternatively you can visit out website at www.wereallycare.com.

(URL tweaked)

[ 21. December 2010, 09:18: Message edited by: Firenze ]

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged
Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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Urgent request to host. Sorry, that was a joke webaddress. I didn't realise until I posted that there really is a website with that name. Sorry very abject.

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged
comet

Snowball in Hell
# 10353

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Joe- I feel your pain, babe. Really. But I totally cant help, I'm broke myself. Spent all my cash on stuff for tgis holiday (something to do with a baby) and even though it's supposed to be about giving to others, after buying my kids all the big stuff they're demanding I was just SO stressed out I had to go indulge in some retail therapy myself, you know? And then those obnoxious bell-ringers guilted me out of my last buck as I left the store. As it is I'm going to be paying off today for the next five years.

So hey- it really sucks you have a baby on the way and are homeless and all, but I'm already overextended.

Besides, what's it to do with me?

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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin

Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Adrienne
Shipmate
# 2334

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Jo, my man, no-one said this celebrity lark was gonna be easy! So the kid's ready to pop and you guys are out in the back of beyond - no sweat, we can turn it Jo, it's an opportunity made in heaven mate!

The tabloids love a hard luck story - be sure to blame it on the census if anyone asks - and we should get the broadsheets in later with the politics and all.

When the kid arrives, try to stick around with the animals - guaranteed column inches there. And - we need to get the family out there on the reality circuit asap - get Liz to do 'I'm a celebrity' and take the kid on - he already likes the odd locust from what I hear. X-factor's ripe for a novelty choir this year, so get me Gab's details when they show up - that guy is so hard to pin down.

Likely there's gonna be hangers-on to deal with later - plebs out for the main chance, basking in reflected glory - and watch out for posh gits 'bearing gifts' - you don't wanna know where that can lead my friend. (Sending you Max Clifford's number)

Sorry to hear 'bout the sh*t with the bling, plastic etc - people these days don't wanna work for a living eh?? Don't let the so-and-sos grind you down!! Is all gonna be worthwhile - you'll all go down in history dude, but Jo - YOU"LL BE THE ONE THEY REMEMBER, OK!!! so hang in there!!!!!

Posts: 977 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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Brother Joseph! You just not CLAIMIN' it! You just not CLAIMIN' the wealth that GAHD has set aside for YOU!

That money is OUT THERE!
That cadillac is OUT THERE!
That holiday in the Bahamas is OUT THERE!
GAHD's chil'ren should be livin' like the royalty they IS!
That penthouse suite is YOURS!
That two-storey villa in the nicer neighbourhood of Nazareth is YOURS!
No DONKEYS for God's chil'ren! It's HORSES!
No STABLES for God's chil'ren! It's FAHVE STAR HOTELS!

Mary CAN have that dress she always wanted!
You CAN have that new workshop you always wanted!
You DESERVE it!
So you NAME it and CLAIM it*, brother Joseph! It's GAHD's will!

*Provisional on filling out the attached standing order form for tithing your next five years' income to 'Greed-is-Good Ministries Ltd...'.

Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
comet

Snowball in Hell
# 10353

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(Graven Image- great thread. After writing my above contribution I felt so grossed out I went and made some donations to relavent charities. The season for giving, indeed.)

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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin

Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
The Great Gumby

Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989

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Mr bar-Yakov (or may I call you Joe?),

I understand there might be some doubt over the paternity of the baby - would you be interested in finding out for sure and earning a fee for your trouble? I'm a researcher on the Jeremy Kyle show, and we're looking for stories just like yours for our Christmas special "A Big Boy Did Me and Ran Away".

If you want to check a specific person to see if they're the father, we can invite them in and do the test on the day. It's not necessary, but if it turns up positive, it does give you the opportunity to hit them live on TV. Obviously, it's not always possible to get the suspected father to appear on the show, but we'll do what we can.

Please let me know if you're interested.

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The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

A letter to my son about death

Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713

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Joseph,

That sign above the door 'No Blacks, No Irish, No Nazarenes' should have been a clue. I can't raise a loan but haven't you got family in Bethlehem? Those Romans are unless, I mean, they've never done anything for me neither.

[ 21. December 2010, 13:01: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Boopy
Shipmate
# 4738

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Haven't you tried the Bethlehem Night Shelter for Rough Sleepers? You and Mary can rest safely there. Unfortunately they cannot accommodate children, but your new baby when born will be looked after by the Bethlehem King Herod Social Services Department where he will receive the best of care.
Posts: 1170 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

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Wandering artist wanders in. WA sets an easel up in front of Joe and the family.

Joe looks hopefully at the W artist.

After several hours of working furiously and pushing Joe and the donkey and the sheep away, the Wandering artist allows Joe and Mary to see the masterpiece.

They see this.

What did you expect? This??

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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Benny Diction 2
Shipmate
# 14159

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Joe

I have an idea. Why not re-mortgage your house and workshop in Nazareth. You can choose to invest the capital into your business or (but I didn't tell you this) spend it as you wish. Officially you're going to invest in your business (after all your business must be booming with all these new settlements springing up) but if you need it for something else your secret's safe with me. I know you're good for it.

No I dont need to see your accounts or even have a reference from you accountant. You just certify that you're earning the money needed and away we go.

Think about it. If you want to go ahead I've got a table set up in the court yard of the temple in Jerusalem.

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Benny Diction

"The Labour party has never been a socialist party, although there have always been socialists in it - a bit like Christians in the Church of England." Tony Benn

Posts: 859 | From: Home of the magic roundabout | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged
jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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From: Pharisees, Whited and Sepulchres, LLP
Temple Square
Jerusalem

To: Joseph bar Yokav


This is to inform you that our clients, Palestinians for Ethical Treatment of Animals and the Judean Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, have asked us to file suit against you and your chattel (said to be one concubine, one donkey, and one infant male) on the grounds that you have displaced one ass and one ox from their rightful abode in a stable attached to The Inn at Bethlehem.

Specific complaints include:

1. Taking over the manger for use as a cradle (thus depriving the animals of their normal place for eating and forcing them to eat off the floor. Not to mention defiling said manger when the infant's excretions leaked out of the swaddling clothes;

2. Disturbance of the sleep of said ox and ass by the presence of an excessively large and bright "Star";

3. Additional disturbance in the form of noise from so-called "Heavenly Hosts" singing loudly;

4. Creating a Public Nuisance and hardship for said ox and ass by attracting numerous sheep (the stable was not designed to house this many animals nor were there sufficient stores of hay);

5. Creating a Public Nuisance by the additional presence of the shepherds associated with the sheep, all of whom refused to leave the property;

6. Engaging in behavior which attracted persons of unknown reputation and provenance ("Three Magi"), thus endangering said ox and ass with the possibility of being sold into slavery or worse.

Please have your lawyer contact us as soon as possible to discuss dates and times for hearings.

Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Graven Image
Shipmate
# 8755

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Comet posted
quote:
( After writing my above contribution I felt so grossed out I went and made some donations to relavent charities. The season for giving, indeed.)

[Overused]
Posts: 2641 | From: Third planet from the sun. USA | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194

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My dear Sir,
I cannot help but think you have unconfessed sin in your life at present, and this has resulted in your tragic situation.
If you agree with me, and you should, because I know I am right, you need to ask God for forgiveness ASAP.
God alone has the power to transform youer life, with my help. He can alter and heal your very DNA. He can heal the very line from which you are descended. No doubt the sins of your forefathers and foremothers are also unconfessed. (Was one of them a Mason?)
Never fear, all this can be healed and reversed in Jesus' name.
Praise God.
Blessings
Rowen

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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...

Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ferdzy
Shipmate
# 8702

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That's not exactly the way the innkeeper tells it. .
Posts: 252 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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My Dear Mr Jacob

While it is unfortunate that you lost your valuables to robbers, is that any excuse to try and pick my pocket?

You say you have nowhere to go: are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?

As for this child you are bringing into the world - he will doubtless be a burden upon respectable society and, if I am any judge, come to a Bad End.

No sir, keep your hard luck stories for those who have no business sense. As for me, you have not the ghost of a chance.

I am, etc

E. Scrooge

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Spouse

Ship's Pedant
# 3353

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Dear Mr Bar

Have any GOLD items you don't want?

CASH for your broken and unwanted gold has never been easier!

Follow These 3 Simple Steps to Sell Your Gold / Jewellery Online:

1. Complete the FORM below to request your FREE Jewellery Return Pack
2. Send your gold in the FREE Special Delivery envelope (insured up to 5 mina) and drop it at your Roman Mail Post Office
3. Receive a CHEQUE within DAYS, after your pack’s arrival at our processing center

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Try to have a thought of your own, thinking is so important. - Blackadder

Posts: 1814 | From: Here, there & everywhere | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged
Curious
Shipmate
# 93

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I'll add you to the prayer list in All Saints.

[ 22. December 2010, 12:09: Message edited by: Curious ]

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Erin - you are missed more than you could know. Rest in peace and rise in glory - to provide unrest in the heavenly realms.

Posts: 1372 | From: Betwixt and between | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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Pah, bloody immigrants coming here scrounging off us good honest Bethlehemites - I've no sympathy. The town's already overcrowded, the last thing we need is another set of foreigners squatting in our stables as they churn out their anchor babies. Get back to Nazareth!

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Hail Gallaxhar

Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
chukovsky

Ship's toddler
# 116

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quote:
Originally posted by Mr. Spouse:
Dear Mr Bar

Have any GOLD items you don't want?

CASH for your broken and unwanted gold has never been easier!

Follow These 3 Simple Steps to Sell Your Gold / Jewellery Online:

1. Complete the FORM below to request your FREE Jewellery Return Pack
2. Send your gold in the FREE Special Delivery envelope (insured up to 5 mina) and drop it at your Roman Mail Post Office
3. Receive a CHEQUE within DAYS, after your pack’s arrival at our processing center

A Genuine Testimonial From A Satisfied Customer

"Gold Traders provided an excellent service and offered the best price for my old gold. When my son was born no-one gave us any useful gifts. We really needed nappies and sleepsuits but all we got was tacky gold ornaments and some perfume much more suitable for a tart's boudoir. I tried using the ornament as a teething ring but it was too soft.

Even thought I accidentally sent the gifts that weren't gold in my pack, they have returned this to me at no cost and my cheque is on its way. Thank you (though you could have just thrown them in the bin, I wouldn't have minded)."

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This space left intentionally blank. Do not write on both sides of the paper at once.

Posts: 6842 | From: somewhere else | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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From: Augustus@spqr.gov
To: Publius.Quinctilius.Varus@spqr.gov
Subject: Fw:Re: Spam Filter

Varus--

As you can see from what I've forwarded, there's still an issue. Do me a favor and execute one out of ten in Tech Support when you pass through Mediolarum. Thanks!

P.S. I expect big things from you in Germania.

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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405

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Dear Mr. Bar-Jakov,

Your application for financial assistance has been denied. If you believe this denial is in error, you may appeal this decision. You have 30 days from the date of this denial to appeal.

Reason for denial: financial assistance for reasons other than disability is restricted to single-parent families in this state. Should the mother of your child desert you, leaving you with the baby, you may re-apply. Should you abandon the mother of your child, leaving her with the baby, she may apply. The absent parent will be prosecuted for non-support, and any wages earned by him or her will be garnished by the state in an effort to recoup all financial support granted by the state to the custodial parent of the minor child.

Your application for food aid, SNAP, has been approved pending proof of permanent residence with facilities for the cooking and storing of food. You will receive the maximum allotment, equivalent to 80% of the Thrifty Food Plan for a family of two adults with one infant. You must collect your SNAP card and authorized PIN number at the District Office in Masada within 5 working days; failure to collect your benefits within this time period will invalidate your application. You may re-apply.

Your application for WIC has been approved pending proof of permanent residence with facilities for cooking and storing food. You will be issued food vouchers which may be exchanged for orange juice, approved cereal products, and milk. You may collect your vouchers from the Central WIC office in Cana within 5 working days; failure to collect your benefits within this time frame will invalidate your application. You may re-apply.

If you have any questions, come to the Regional Office in Jerusalem to obtain assistance in understanding, translating, or responding to this communication.

Yrs,

A.R. Asteroth,
Intake Technician

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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!

Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged
Suze

Ship's Barmaid
# 5639

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Are you struggling to pay all of those credit card payments? You can consolidate all of your debt into one easy payment, with money left over for that new camel you've always wanted. We approve 95% of all new applicants, no job - no problem. If you have a poor credit rating, CCJs or have been blacklisted Shylock.com can help.

We won't charge an arm and a leg...

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' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell

Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Dear Mr Bar Yakov,

I must ask you to settle your bill immediately on receipt of this letter and vacate the Old Stable Annexe by midday today at the latest. When I agreed last night that you could stay in it, I did so on the assumption that you and your wife would be the sole occupants (apart from the animals, obviously). This morning I find that it contains the following:

A newborn baby, who for some bizarre reason, has been put in the donkeys' manger.

One Iraqi, an Iranian, and someone from the Indian subcontinent with some very implausible cover stories. There are no state visits planned (I've checked with the Romans), and especially not to this annexe. Nor do I believe that this is the ideal place for an amateur astronomy group. What's more, I distinctly caught a whiff of some expensive spices, which one of them claimed were strictly for personal use. I'm not having that sort of thing on my property.

And finally, there's a massive bright light over the annexe. I've already had a lot of complaints about this from my other guests and the neighbours saying it's shone through their bedroom shutters and kept them awake all night. This absolutely must go. I'm sure you'll understand and I look forward to receiving your final settlement by return.

Thanks
The Innkeeper.

Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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Dear Mt Jakov,

You want help? In Bethelehem? That's in Palestine, so kindly sod off.

Yours,

A. Sharon

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rosa Gallica officinalis
Shipmate
# 3886

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Dear Joseph
I am sorry to hear if your plight. Obviously if i were a rich man I would willingly play my part in solving your problems. Indeed if I were a shepherd I would gladly gladly give a lamb, which you would be able to roast for several meals. However I am of very limited means myself. All that I am able to offer is my heart, which is 44 years old & probably somewhat tough- and only likely to make a single meal if casseroled for a long time. As you are only in temporary accommodation at the moment & have no cooking facilities would you mind if I delay the delivery of this offering, as I haven't finished with it yet myself.

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Come for tea, come for tea, my people.

Posts: 874 | From: The Hemlock Hideout | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Starbug
Shipmate
# 15917

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Dear Mr Bar-Jacob,

We acknowledge receipt of your complaint. Having considered the matter carefully,our response is as follows:

First of all, of course all the hotels were full. It's Christmas. What did you expect?

In accordance with the terms and conditions of the lease, the stable owners bear no liability for your lost possessions.It was your responsibility to secure them in the room safe provided behind the water trough. For your future security,may we recommend travellers' cheques as an alternative to cash?

Your wife being 'great with child', perhaps you should have booked a double room at the very least. We can offer you a very reasonable rate for a suite with king-sized bed, should you wish to visit our beautiful town again.

Yours unhelpfully,
Bethlehem Tourist Board

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“Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor

Posts: 1189 | From: West of the New Forest | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged
Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673

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Earn an MBA from Phoenix University

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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)

Posts: 2767 | From: half-way up the ladder | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged
Eigon
Shipmate
# 4917

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(heard on Radio 2 last night)

Innkeeper: There Is No Room at The Inn.

Joseph: But we booked!

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Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.

Posts: 3710 | From: Hay-on-Wye, town of books | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28

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Headline from Bethleham News:

Westboro Baptist Church to picket local stable: Spokesperson says founder of new religion doesn't denounce gays soundly enough.

"And what's with this Virgin birth thing?" spokesperson Shirley Roper-Phelps asked rhetorically. "Having a baby without heterosexual sex is only a step away from having homosexual sex. I think they are all very bad monkeys."

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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!

Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarah G
Shipmate
# 11669

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There's insufficient evidence of your claims. Only an utter idiot with a crab cake for a brain would go for this nonsense. There's no child on the way.

**** off unless you want to buy my book.

Yours,
Dick

Posts: 514 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged
Pax Romana
Shipmate
# 4653

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
I confess to being perplexed by your situation. You are in your ancestral town and yet you have not been able to approach your family for help? I appreciate that you may not have been in touch for many years but, as they say, "blood is thicker than water" and they are obligated to do something for you, even if it only be a loan.

Or has there been a familial rift? Is this "no room" business symptomatic of a deeper breakdown in relations?

....


Well, Joseph, I hope you are satisfied. This is what you get for never calling your mother!

Mom (Remember me?)

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********************
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
James Thurber

Posts: 4598 | From: New York City | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
Jigsaw
Shipmate
# 11433

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"Hello, is that the Palestine Insurance Company? Listen, I want to make a claim on my business insurance. First of all, that blinding light had all my residents claiming a refund because they couldn't sleep; second, my front wall was knocked down by some camels; third, I had to clear a load of sheep droppings from my front patio....."
"Beep beep beep .. Hi! You're through to the Palestine Insurance Company. We're sorry, but we're experiencing a heavy volume of calls right now. Please press 1 if you had a young infant in your home and are claiming on their life insurance. Press 2 if you're claiming for damage to your home in connection with the same.
Otherwise, please press 3 to hold for an operator. Your call is important to us.."

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You are not alone in this.

Posts: 743 | From: Snorbens, UK | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267

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quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
For nomore than $US1000 I can arrange Prayer for you and Loved 1s and you will be washed in the Blod of the Little Sheepy.

*blink*

I GO OFFLINE FOR ONE WEEK AND PEOPLE ARE SELLING MY BLOOD!?!?

ASK FIRST! Or at least, give me a cut of the money.

[ 29. December 2010, 00:46: Message edited by: Spiffy ]

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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account

Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged
Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505

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Hey Joey, just what kind of Jew are you?

You've got a complete circus going on all around you - angels singing, camels and kings, a drummer boy, baby farm animals and the private viewing rights to a new messiah - and you don't even put the hat out?

You gotta learn how to busk, mate.

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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.

Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Jessie Phillips
Shipmate
# 13048

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quote:
Originally posted by Joseph bar-Yakov:
How are you doing today? hope you are well and fine, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, My wife and I left Nazareth and came down here to Bethlehem for the census, Unfortunately we fell among theives outside the inn where we had been staying, all cash, creditcards and cell were stolen off us, but luckily for us we still have our life and passports with us.
We went to the local Roman constabulary but they're not helping issues at all they asked us to wait for 3 weeks which we can not because Mariam is great with child. In fact, unless you can help us it looks like she may have to bring forth her child in the barn we’re taking temporary shelter in and lay him or her in the manger.
We need a quick loan from you. Can you help?
Joseph bar-Yakov

It's a Little off Topic but Anyone looking for a Job should check out this Website that is currently Hiring People to Work from Home for 29 pieces of silver per hour Online: ship-of-fools.com-no-srsly-this-is-not-rly-an-obfuscated-address.info/work-from-home-jobs.

This opening has already paid me very well and is supporting my entire family and my children's school. So I'm sure it will support your new family too. God Bless.

Posts: 2244 | From: Home counties, UK | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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I will send a film crew. They will pay you handsomely for your part in our reality TV series.

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged


 
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