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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Dealing with cruel comments
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It's hard for me to imagine what sort of actual "power" a lay reader has, that she could wield it like such a bludgeon.
Some people are the stars of their own mental soap operas.
I'm pretty sure we all are!
But Readers do, in fact, carry a lot of clout a lot of times.
I can easily think of at least one situation within my own parish experience where the negativity of a particular reader was a constant demoralizing force among the clergy and accredited lay-workers, and wardens. And that was over three regime changes.
More positively I've known readers who are particularly respected because they are 'of the people' but have also proved that 'ordinary' people like themselves can do a lot of the clergy stuff; and become important sources of feedback, providing here today/gone tomorrow clergy with some perspective and helpful local knowledge and history. Currently I'm blessed with a Reader whose opinion I value a great deal and whose advice I'd readily seek.
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Please see my question about that statement here.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
I gave you an answer to your concern in Hell, leo. After all, you wouldn't want a tangent all about you in All Saints, now, would you?
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Why don't you deal with that issue HERE, ON THIS THREAD?
Readers who get 'up themselves' are the chief reason that I held out from becoming one.
Abuse of leadership positions in the Church is a serious issue that deserves more debate that the slagging off and lack of serious debate that goes on in Hell.
Because I am attempting to observe the ship's rules and guidelines regarding posts in All Saints. And this is a support thread for bib, not a debate thread. And my question regards your posting style. If you read it, you will see it is politely and respectfully phrased.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
I hope to hear further reports. I want the best for bib, and so have indulged in fantasies of the come-uppance and improvement of the bully and the increase of self-confidence of bib.
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It's hard for me to imagine what sort of actual "power" a lay reader has, that she could wield it like such a bludgeon.
Depends on the type of church. Even in our liberal-ish church i am appalled at the number of people who tell me that they -respect' my authority...
Goodness. In my congregation -- we're so low on the candle, we're the doily under it -- I keep track of the bills, handle the books, whatever you want to call it. Unless there's a surprise major purchase of hundreds and thousands of dollars, I do things on my own, no one telling me what to do.
I must be quite powerful.
Hah. Not.
What I tell myself is, I simply hope to do a better job as treasurer than Judas did.
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
I gave you an answer to your concern in Hell, leo. After all, you wouldn't want a tangent all about you in All Saints, now, would you?
Regardless of anyone else's view on the matter the AS Hosts would not want such a tangent!
Please remember that this is an AS thread offering support to bib and any others suffering similar treatment.
Thank you.
WW
All Saints Host
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Strange what *sorts* of power a Reader can wield - in our church we (the band) aren't allowed to do the version of Amazing Grace in 4/4 time (I think it might be by Chris Tomlin?) because one of the Readers Doesn't Like It.
Mrs. S, suitably amazed
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sorry - missed the edit window. But apologies, Bib - I didn't mean to imply that that was at all comparable to your situation
Mrs. S ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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justlooking
Shipmate
# 12079
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
Strange what *sorts* of power a Reader can wield - in our church we (the band) aren't allowed to do the version of Amazing Grace in 4/4 time (I think it might be by Chris Tomlin?) because one of the Readers Doesn't Like It.
Who is not allowing? Who has the ultimate decision about what the band may play? I'd be surprised if it's a Reader unless it's a church without a cleric where the Bishop has licensed someone as Reader-in-Charge. It looks to me like the way many parish clergy explain decisions. I of course have no objection but but I'm afraid .... (Reader, Churchwarden, Elsie) doesn't like it.
Getting back to the OP, if this is a case of someone who habitually targets other members of the church for cruel comments then a direct challenge is the best way of dealing with it. You then have to deal with the response. A self-defensive response is understandable. If the claim, as in this case, is that no harm was meant by a comment then I'd advise accepting that at face value but sticking to your guns as far as any counter-allegation is concerned. Don't apologise for complaining and for feeling upset.
Posts: 2319 | From: thither and yon | Registered: Nov 2006
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
There is both charisma power and institutional power. The two are not unlinked but so often people only look at the institutional power. The power of the charisma is far more complex and every individual within the congregation wields some of it. The baby in its mothers arms has it, if you don't believe it, wait until it decides to scream in the sermon. The treasurer has it with how he manages the books, the old lady whose Grandmother was married here, has it with how she remembers the history of the congregation. Integrity in the use of power from the charisma we all have is far more difficult than most people imagine.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
justlooking wrote
quote:
Who is not allowing? Who has the ultimate decision about what the band may play?
Oh absolutely - in this case it is the vicar, or his wife, another reader, who would say 'Oh no, you can't use that version, J. doesn't like it'.
Hey, we exist as a band, to serve our church - but that doesn't stop it being annoying.
Mrs. S, through gritted teeth
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Snags
Utterly socially unrealistic
# 15351
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Posted
bib - good on you, stand your ground with grace and politeness and if nothing else you'll have the satisfaction of winding up the bully!
Having caught myself about to reply on the wider tangent, I've taken the liberty of starting a thread on the broader issue of "folk over-stepping bounds" in Purgatory (which is probably the wrong thing to do, but hey).
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Vain witterings :-: Vain pretentions :-: The Dog's Blog(locks)
Posts: 1399 | From: just north of That London | Registered: Dec 2009
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Jolly Jape
Shipmate
# 3296
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
justlooking wrote
quote:
quote:
Who is not allowing? Who has the ultimate decision about what the band may play?
Oh absolutely - in this case it is the vicar, or his wife, another reader, who would say 'Oh no, you can't use that version, J. doesn't like it'.
Hey, we exist as a band, to serve our church - but that doesn't stop it being annoying.
Mrs. S, through gritted teeth
Yes, there to serve your church, not J. I guess it really depends on whether the choice of music is delegated to you, as a worship leader, or whether someone else, for example, the service leader, has that responsibility. It could be that J isn't bullying just you, but the rest of the congregation as well.
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To those who have never seen the flow and ebb of God's grace in their lives, it means nothing. To those who have seen it, even fleetingly, even only once - it is life itself. (Adeodatus)
Posts: 3011 | From: A village of gardens | Registered: Sep 2002
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jolly Jape:
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
justlooking wrote
quote:
quote:
Who is not allowing? Who has the ultimate decision about what the band may play?
Oh absolutely - in this case it is the vicar, or his wife, another reader, who would say 'Oh no, you can't use that version, J. doesn't like it'.
Hey, we exist as a band, to serve our church - but that doesn't stop it being annoying.
Mrs. S, through gritted teeth
Yes, there to serve your church, not J. I guess it really depends on whether the choice of music is delegated to you, as a worship leader, or whether someone else, for example, the service leader, has that responsibility. It could be that J isn't bullying just you, but the rest of the congregation as well.
Sometimes all people do is express a preference and combining that with the dynamic that exists in some places that No One Must Ever Be Upset creates the kind of situation that Mrs S describes. In other places J’s opinion would be noted and then completely ignored on the basis that services are a mixed bag – with something to please and annoy everyone. It’s hard to tell on the basis of the comments.
Well done Bib btw! I expect that most of the huffing and puffing you’ve had is defensive – either they’re fully aware of what they’re like and used to getting away with it OR it’s come as a bit of a shock and they’re processing it. The advice about being polite but firm with them going forward is really good. I’d also avoid any conversations with them without a third party present. Good luck!
Tubbs
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
Well, church came around today and I fronted feeling a little nervous. I guess I wasn't surprised when the lay reader cut me and wouldn't even look at me. I had gone along with the intention of being civil, but didn't get the opportunity. Maybe sometime in the future as we do need to interact at times. I will continue to pray about it. However, I was surprised to be tackled by the elder to whom I had sent a copy of my email. He objected to being involved as he 'doesn't want to know about such things' and would have preferred I hadn't sent him a copy although he acknowledged how difficult the lay reader can be. Oh well, I tried, but it obviously backfired there. Thanks again shipmates. I guess the situation will take a lot more work and time.
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Oh dear. The elder's reaction says a lot about how this situation may have developed in the first place, and why it isn't being dealt with. It'll do no good I suppose, but I'd be tempted to ask him why he WAS an elder in the first place--since the precise purpose of elders is to be "bothered" with the problems of the flock. That's what they're there for--or should be.
Still, good on you for trying.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
100% agreement with LC there on the purpose of the Elder - at least within my faith community.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Yes I completely agree about the elder's response. That's a complete abdication of responsibility (if we weren't in All Saints I'd call it something much ruder).
Bib I think you've made a good start. Being "cut" is unpleasant but it's one stage better than having cruel comments made to you. I would just keep my distance from this person, greet them politely when you meet them (you don't want to be justifiably accused of cutting them) but don't try to engage in any conversation with them - perfectly pleasant but distant, that's the way to go.
If they make any more nasty comments (about you or anyone else in your hearing) keep a written record. It's likely to be useful in the future.
Stick with it!
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
bib, I can't understand the elder's reaction either. Even if he didn't want to be involved surely resolving difficult in-house relations is a priority duty for church leaders?
It sounds like you've done as well as you can so far. Good for you, and take heart.
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by bib:
Well, church came around today and I fronted feeling a little nervous. I guess I wasn't surprised when the lay reader cut me and wouldn't even look at me. I had gone along with the intention of being civil, but didn't get the opportunity. Maybe sometime in the future as we do need to interact at times. I will continue to pray about it. However, I was surprised to be tackled by the elder to whom I had sent a copy of my email. He objected to being involved as he 'doesn't want to know about such things' and would have preferred I hadn't sent him a copy although he acknowledged how difficult the lay reader can be. Oh well, I tried, but it obviously backfired there. Thanks again shipmates. I guess the situation will take a lot more work and time.
It hasn't backfired at all. You should be encouraged. The 'awkward lay reader' is clearly embarrassed. As for the Elder, in stating that s/he didn't want to be involved in such things and acknowledging that this person can be difficult it looks like they are intimidated by her!
You need to take courage. Keep praying but act in the worldly too and that means recording any and every slight and sarcastic remark. Please don't feel you have to fight this battle alone. It could kill a whole church.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Sometimes it takes one person to bring up what everybody knows but has been too intimidated to deal with. If you hear of the same thing happening to someone else now that you've put her on notice, so to speak, you can recommend they take the same course of action (using possibly a different elder). Enough of these small things and the matter will eventually reach critical mass, and someone she HAS to listen to will finally sit on her. It'll be too embarrassing by that point not to.
ETA even the elder who is ducking his responsibilities will speak up in the elders meeting once some more spineful elder mentions it first. He just doesn't have the cojones to start to deal with it.
[ 09. September 2012, 18:18: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
I hope it all works out for you bib and you are getting very good advice here.
I want to thank you for posting your story here as it is very similar to a situation I found myself in many years ago.
I never resolved the issues, in fact I was pretty much drummed out of the church. It got very nasty. It was easier to make me the problem than deal with the real problem ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) which I now know is par for the course with these things.
I have often wondered what I could have done better and thanks to you I realise the answer is probably nothing. In fact one of the Churchwardens presented it to me quite starkly. I could be one of the 'in crowd' but I had to put up with certain things. Well, I didn't want to be one of the in crowd on those terms.
Lots of people said they agreed with me privately but publicly behaved quite differently.
I hope it goes better for you, but if you find yourself getting sucked into an endless exhausting conflict with no public support from anyone it is probably better to fade away and find another church asap.
I worried about how people in other churches would feel about me with all this baggage, but it turned out the church and the individuals were famous for this sort of behaviour and it was considered perfectly normal to fall out with them and leave!!!
So thank you again for posting as it has helped me.
[ 09. September 2012, 19:38: Message edited by: Thyme ]
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Here's hoping it never gets to anything like that level of seriousness. IMHO one isolated asshole is usually not enough to lead to leaving a church--you can usually avoid one another, sorry though I am to leave unhealed wounds in the body of Christ. But leaving is a drastic measure to be taken only when the damage of staying is worse. And who knows, God may intend to use you to help heal this mess, first step simply by spaking up as you did.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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justlooking
Shipmate
# 12079
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
If you hear of the same thing happening to someone else now that you've put her on notice, so to speak, you can recommend they take the same course of action (using possibly a different elder). Enough of these small things and the matter will eventually reach critical mass,
I can see the attraction of this as a way of tackling an entrenched problem but I wouldn't recommend going down this route. It could easily be turned into an accusation of engineering a campaign against this person. Bib has dealt with her own issue about barbed comments made to or about her. She has stated clearly what she heard, how it affected her and what she now wants - that this person does not speak to or about her like this again. If others have similar problems they can deal with them in their own way.
I'm wondering where the minister is in this. I'd assumed this is an Anglican church, because of the role of lay reader, but since there are Elders too then I'm not sure. In a CofE set-up if the letter was to be copied to anyone it would probably be the incumbent.
Posts: 2319 | From: thither and yon | Registered: Nov 2006
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
I guess have misled by calling the church member an elder when he is actually a church warden and a deacon, but his position would be as an elder. I am a member of an Anglo-Catholic church. I've tried to deal with this issue without approaching the priest and I'm not sure at this stage what his reaction would be. I think I'm going to sit on it all for a while and just wait and see if anything else happens. I really don't want to see campaigns against the lay reader occur as that would be most unpleasant and against my Christian beliefs.
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Bib, that seems very sensible to me. You want this person to stop making nasty comments about you. Hopefully she will now stop (once bitten, twice shy). If she doesn't, keep a record and if she persists you can think about what to do next. But hopefully she won't do it to you again.
Other people will have to look after themselves, you can't fight everyone's battles.
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
I'm wondering a little about pastoral care, though that may be overstated and the wrong wording. When I had a difficult time with a powerful church person, I consulted with a priest from another church, with the focus away from the difficult person, but on myself, and what I might need to do with myself. I don't think it needs to be s priest, and this very thread is a version of this, though if there was a person locally available to you that might help too.
I echo that you conducted yourself well. You didn't have a chance to do anything, but you were ready to act with integrity and dignity. The objection of the cc'd to person I think shows you are on the right track.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Campaigns, certainly not; and I'm a bit leery of the "keep a record" thing even for your own personal use unless she continues to go over-the-top with you. I'm guessing she won't.
My point was that if someone should come to you (much as you started this thread) wondering what to do about a v. similar situation, that you would be now capable of advising him/her. And if (God forbid) this happened multiple times, at least the church Powers-that-Be would have been properly informed.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Campaigns, certainly not; and I'm a bit leery of the "keep a record" thing even for your own personal use unless she continues to go over-the-top with you. I'm guessing she won't.
My point was that if someone should come to you (much as you started this thread) wondering what to do about a v. similar situation, that you would be now capable of advising him/her. And if (God forbid) this happened multiple times, at least the church Powers-that-Be would have been properly informed.
This. Doing a ring round of everyone this person’s offended and encouraging them to contact an elder would be “a campaign”. And not on.
Telling someone who’s been treated in a similar way that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and advising them to challenge the person / report it to the elders would be fine. Followed by a swift change of subject.
Sometimes people know that things aren’t right, but need to be encouraged to do something practical about them instead of just venting and sucking it up. It’s tempting not to raise any dust, but some people rely on that and use it to get away with all sorts of crap.
Tubbs
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
How sad,.....how sad on a couple of points really.
That you are being targeted is not great, not great at all. And the most sensible bit of support offered here is to Have Courage. I'd echo that one.
But how sad that this situation has been dripping along for so long. Well Done You for bringing matters out into the light. Were I that person, I would (in the cool light of day) want to know that i was coming across as bullying or horrible. After all, no one really wants to be known for being horrible, do we?
Have Courage
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Barnabas Aus
Shipmate
# 15869
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Posted
Bib,
Is the warden you copied in on the email the rector's warden? If so, it is his responsibility to communicate the issue to your parish priest so that the parish team can continue to function. As rector's warden myself, I have had to deal with similar circumstances, although perhaps not so extreme, and have spoken to the rector confidentially so that the matter can be resolved. In any case, if the person is a people's warden, then it is incumbent upon him to represent you.
Posts: 375 | From: Hunter Valley NSW | Registered: Sep 2010
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
If you think it worth the trouble. I'd suggest waiting to see if she shows any signs of changing her ways. It is certainly possible that what you've done already may have been all that was needed for God to work in her life and bring her (however slowly) to a betterway of life. I've got one such recently-rebuked and maybe-maybe-not-penitent under my observation now. I won't go after him again unless I see serious signs of returning nastiness. Merely being cold to me is not sufficient (and entirely expectable, after all).
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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justlooking
Shipmate
# 12079
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Posted
LC I don't think bib can do anything other than wait and see if the cruel comments are repeated to her or about her. That's what the problem is. A situation like this can easily escalate, and easily backfire, if it becomes about the person generally. The lay reader is not a 'penitent' and if what bib has done is a rebuke then she has received a rebuke in return.
The churchwarden is also a deacon and has a particular responsibility for pastoral care. He and the lay reader both work alongside the priest. It's possible therefore that the priest knows and may have been given a copy of the emails.
Posts: 2319 | From: thither and yon | Registered: Nov 2006
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I'm using ghe term very loosely, as you might have seen by the example I gave ( he's not having a positive reaction either). And of course escalation on this is to be avoided if possible. That was why I suggested waiting to see if the offense is repeated before running it further up the chain of command.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
I've always liked Miss Manner's response to rudeness. Pause for one beat and then say clearly:
"I beg your pardon?"
This tends to get the attention of bystanders and force the perp to repeat her offensive remarks in front of witnesses. It usually results in a lot of flustered back peddling and a bit of hesitation before saying anything rude to you again. Meanwhile, you've put her on the spot and emarrassed her without a speck of blood on your hands.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Flossymole
Apprentice
# 17339
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Posted
Originally posted by Anselmina
quote:
It's completely acceptable for us, in a civil but straightforward way, to respond with a simple statement that shows our 'surprise' that another person should be so unnecessarily unpleasant. Not 'do you know how that sounds' or 'do you know how that makes me feel' - but simply 'how rude/judgemental/unnecessary/not true etc'. Not angry - just matter-of-fact. The emphasis is then on what that person is saying, and whether or not they actually want to defend it.
Well said. That worked for me. After years of putting up with a snide distortion of the truth I snapped and said, politely and in a tone of genuine interest, 'Why do you keep on saying that, when you know it isn't true?'. She looked at me as if the cat had spoken and walked out of the room. End of problem though, and the beginning of an end to the simmering hatred that had been gnawing away at me. And she was OK with me afterwards.
This has been an illuminating thread for me. The links too.
Well done so far bib - with you in spirit on the barricades.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
Posts: 43 | From: Derbyshire UK | Registered: Sep 2012
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