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Source: (consider it) Thread: The Trainee Christian Minister's Rule Book
Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696

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quote:
Do NOT burst out laughing when a parishioner tells you you're not authorised to preach a sermon because you're female. The uproarious laughter may discombobulate the neighbouring tables in the cafe.
- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 41, Rule # 774."

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a theological scrapbook

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
Hosts should feel free to enquire as to what the purpose of a thread is if it's unclear from the opening post. In particular, if the OP does not seem to lend itself to discussion, the poster should be invited to outline what they intended Shipmates would discuss (assuming that they did, in fact, have such an intention). In most parts of the Ship this enquiry needs to be polite. Hellhosts, of course, are free to express themselves in whatever manner they see fit.
- "The Ship Hosts Manual. Paragraph 3.28."

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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Arethosemyfeet
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# 17047

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I didn't realise Hell was for discussion. I thought it was for bitching and angry rants.
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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Be sure to take your pregnant wife and toddler twins with you when go go doorstepping complete strangers. With any luck, they'll invite you in for a cup of tea.

When your toddlers rampage through their living room, wrecking priceless treasure on their way, your hosts will experience the joy of practising forgiveness and restraint of the urge to throttle.

A Rule Book for Ministers
Chapter 2 Proselytising for Pillocks


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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Summon all the frustration you felt about being told you were too stupid to pass basic science classes in school, know that it was all part of The Devil's plan, and use it to power the righteousness of your truth-yelling whenever your views about Young Earth Creationism are challenged by small children who just found out about how awesome dinosaurs were.
- Not written anywhere specifically, but viscerally understood to be true by altogether too many Trainee Christian Ministers.
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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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quote:
Remember that ordination confers total rightness to you. You are then above the law, above contradiction, because any criticism of you is then criticism of Gods Church, and so of God.
What happens when I am ordained p5.

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Sioni Sais
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# 5713

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quote:
It is entirely sufficient to repeat scripture verbatim. All the interpretation necessary has already been done by the experts who constructed the version you are reading.
When instructing those new to the faith p94 (cont'd).

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
quote:
Remember that ordination confers total rightness to you. You are then above the law, above contradiction, because any criticism of you is then criticism of Gods Church, and so of God.
What happens when I am ordained p5.
And of Jesus. Remember him?

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
Originally posted by Arethosemyfeet:
I didn't realise Hell was for discussion. I thought it was for bitching and angry rants.

We didn't get one of those either. I haven't a damn clue whether Evensong was trying to say this was something she read, this was something that happened, this was something she was told would happen. And exactly what she's outraged about.

I can make some guesses, but I'm peeved about having to guess.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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What is the recommended treatment for an overly-strained imagination?
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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Manual stimualtion and release in 4/4 time.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Evensong
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# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Arethosemyfeet:
I didn't realise Hell was for discussion. I thought it was for bitching and angry rants.

We didn't get one of those either. I haven't a damn clue whether Evensong was trying to say this was something she read, this was something that happened, this was something she was told would happen. And exactly what she's outraged about.

I can make some guesses, but I'm peeved about having to guess.

quote:
Be wary of using humour in sermons and in general conversations with the brethren as many may not share your sense of humour. You must be especially cautious if you are were raised by the English when others were not. At all costs, do NOT use humour when referring to other clergy present when preaching your second ever sermon. You may even find yourself placement-less and developing a reputation as a "difficult student". All is not lost however. A particularly inimitable priest that likes a challenge may just take you on as a Curate - even after a Bishop's warning.
-- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 41, Rule # 775."

[ 07. June 2015, 09:54: Message edited by: Evensong ]

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a theological scrapbook

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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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quote:
A steaming pile of odourous crap dressed up in spiritual words is still a steaming pile of crap.
Dealing with ordinands on the Ship, Page 643, Paragraph 12.

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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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quote:
continued from pg 35 ... always keeping in mind that a good sermon should be at least 45 minutes long. Congregants like to feel they are "getting their money's worth." If your original idea is running short even after cross referencing scriptures and several practical examples, remember you can always fill out the required time slot with inspirational stories easily found on the internet from sites such as Touching Christian Stories. There's no need to tie these together with a common theme or "point." The closing hymn should provide that final thought to take home.
from "So You Want to Be a Methodist Minister!" by Rev. Cecil L. Anderson, DD West Virginia Wesleyan University
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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
I am so over this.
- orfeo diary entry 8/6/15.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. If you've gotten this far and can still pretend to believe, you'll do just fine. Because nobody actually cares about your interesting doubts, just so long as you reaffirm their crippling certainties. So cram that wafer in their gob, or splatter them with snake oil, or hook them up to the E-meter, and tell them whatever they want to hear.
- Afterword - RELIGION FOR DUMMIES... (aw, shit - turns out that's a real book)
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Evensong
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# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
I am so over this.
- orfeo diary entry 8/6/15.
quote:
Always remember that each and every person is made in God's image - even those with a tendency to legalism and melodrama.
- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 21, Rule # 561."

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a theological scrapbook

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Evensong
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# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. If you've gotten this far and can still pretend to believe, you'll do just fine. Because nobody actually cares about your interesting doubts, just so long as you reaffirm their crippling certainties. So cram that wafer in their gob, or splatter them with snake oil, or hook them up to the E-meter, and tell them whatever they want to hear.
- Afterword - RELIGION FOR DUMMIES... (aw, shit - turns out that's a real book)
quote:
You will be challenged left right and centre by people who believe that being a Christian is a load of tosh. Be gentle with them. They have likely been burnt by bad theology - plenty of it around. The church has much to be repentant of. But don't despair - engagement is much better than indifference; especially from the odd agnostics that shout loud in your direction because they have something of a feeling for the transcendent.
- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 13, Rule # 104."

[ 08. June 2015, 11:37: Message edited by: Evensong ]

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a theological scrapbook

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Never, ever, attempt to move, change, repaint, reconfigure or dispose of any item of church equipment or furniture, irrespective of its condition, value or utility; nor make any such suggestion to senior church staff, whether lay or ordained.
From Section 6: "The Ordinand and Property", p.462, para.3.

[ 08. June 2015, 11:39: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Oh, and Altar Guild rules. The church and all its activities are actually run for them.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
quote:
Remember that ordination confers total rightness to you. You are then above the law, above contradiction, because any criticism of you is then criticism of Gods Church, and so of God.
What happens when I am ordained p5.
Beware of Ministers and how to manage them: A rulebook for congregations

That says it's prefectly acceptable to bad mouth your minister to other members of the congregation and be abusive to their face. Of course s/he should suck it up. It's character building and goes with the terrority. If s/he'd wanted to be treated decently, s/he have become a traffic warden.

Tubbs

[ 08. June 2015, 14:23: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Remember: the last Minister was always better than the one you have now, however you disliked him/her at the time. S/he was the better preacher, the more diligent visitor, the more organised administrator, the better reconciler. Lose no opportunity of making sure that your present Minister knows this (preferably by innuendo rather than by direct comment). And make sure that the denominational hierarchy are kept well-informed of his/her deficiencies.
Also from Ministers and how to manage them: A rulebook for congregations.
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
Remember: the last Minister was always better than the one you have now ...

This rule was copied to the Organists' Handbook, with the proviso that the rule doesn't necessarily apply to the immediate predecessor*, but can go back several generations.

[Devil]

* "That's not the way X used to do it", when everyone knows that (a) the choir was rubbish in X's day, and (b) that he died circa. 1975.

[ 08. June 2015, 17:30: Message edited by: Piglet ]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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Which reminds me:

quote:
The congregation have memories that go back further than written records, remembering every single event in the church for the last hundred year or more. Accuracy and consistency may not be the major features of this memory, but utter tenacity is
"We haven't done it like that before", preface.

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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
"We haven't done it like that before"...

Also known as the Last Seven Words of the Church.

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

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Dafyd
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# 5549

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Beware. Some ministers are keen. If 'we haven't done it like that before' seems unlikely to daunt your minister, you may escalate to We tried doing it like that and it didn't work. (*) Only the very keenest of ministers can stay keen in the face of that.

(*) It didn't. We dug in our heels and put a stop to it.

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we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams

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Arethosemyfeet
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# 17047

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quote:
That's not the tradition here
From the Evangelical's guide to handling Anglo-Catholic parishioners

Applies even when it was the tradition until you arrived.

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Unwritten local traditions are more binding than well-known denominational and ecclesial ones. But you'll never discover them until you break them, and even then no-one will inform you directly.
From the Anglo-Catholic's guide to handling Evangelical parishioners.
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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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Radical changes to the church's constitution or changes to the hymnals (red or blue?) etc will go through the meeting in double quick time and soon be forgotten.

That frees up time for a heated, two hour discussion on the colour that the church will be redorated or similar. At least one person will flee to the ladies in tears. Another person will leave forever! "Paintgate" will be remembered, unforgiven long after you've left. All your other ministerial achievements won't be.

Tubbs

[ 09. June 2015, 09:18: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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From Pyx_e's hints and tips for ministers old and new:

Don't take a role at a church with an active graveyard. Just don't.

Tubbs

[ 09. June 2015, 09:30: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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mr cheesy
Shipmate
# 3330

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quote:
You must now amp things up to the next level. Rush around with your arms in the air, with crocodile tears if necessary. Slap yourself around the face until you have red cheeks. Faint outrageously in front of the main detractors.

Let nothing get in your way, the objective here is simple: winning. Those bastards didn't listen when you did things quietly and politely, now is the time to make them listen. No amount of histrionics is too much.

Eventually someone will find a chair and make you tea. You have won.

from Brother Machiavelli's Guide to the Tea Rota

Chapter 6: When Those on the Rota are Making Conversation Not Tea

Paragraph titled: When Gentle Hints Do Not Work

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arse

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
Radical changes to the church's constitution or changes to the hymnals (red or blue?) etc will go through the meeting in double quick time and soon be forgotten.

Steady on, now ... changes to the hymnals, and especially the choice of cover, are serious business!

Constitutional matters, changes to the church's doctrinal basis ... trivial things like that go through on the nod.

[ 09. June 2015, 10:13: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

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King George V expressing his displeasure at whoever had changed the hymn books in the Chapel Royal without consulting him- 'I'm not Defender of the Faith for nothing!'

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My beard is a testament to my masculinity and virility, and demonstrates that I am a real man. Trouble is, bits of quiche sometimes get caught in it.

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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
I am so over this.
- orfeo diary entry 8/6/15.
quote:
Always remember that each and every person is made in God's image - even those with a tendency to legalism and melodrama.
- "The Ordinand's Rule Book. Pg 21, Rule # 561."

quote:
There will never be somewhere big enough to to hide all the bodies ...
The Vicar's Wife Big Survival Handbook. Or How I Learnt to Worship God, Love People and Stop Worrying. With the Aid of GIN.

Tubbs

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
If you are brought into a slightly divided parish by one group to Fulfil An Agenda, delivering on that Agenda will divide the parish far more and leave it in a ruinous state.
- orfeo, from personal reminiscences of a very ugly period in the life of what had on the whole been a thriving parish

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
... "Paintgate" will be remembered, unforgiven long after you've left ...

You may jest; at a church of my (slight) acquaintance there was the most almighty row because someone bought and donated some salt and pepper pots without consultation*. [Eek!]

* Presumably the required consultation was with the ACW or Ladies' Guild or whatever; I doubt that even in this bureaucratic age you need a Faculty for salt-and-pepper pots.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291

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Ah, I've sat in too many rancorous church meetings discussing whether we should move the forsythia bush from one side of the doorway to the other* to take this thread as humourous.

M.

*Went on for about 18 months, perhaps 2 years?

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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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Tubbs reminded me of this

quote:
Before taking on a parish, read all of the material about it, look at what the parish is saying that they want you to do, and build a plan based on your skills and talents to fulfil all of the requirements, and make the church an important place locally and nationally.

Remember while doing this that none of it will happen, because you will spend all of your time negotiating around a non-congregants graveyard request, which will be your lasting legacy.

"Building a legacy", chapter 3

--------------------
Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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From the same book, chapter 4:

quote:
Any item with a brass (or other) commemorative plaque on it, denoting that it was given "in loving memory", may not be - irrespective of condition or utility - disposed of, moved, shoved into a high cupboard, repainted or otherwise interfered with without the explicit written confirmation of at least 3 of said person's surviving relatives and the approval of a minimum of 98% of the current congregation.

Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by mr cheesy:
quote:
You must now amp things up to the next level. Rush around with your arms in the air, with crocodile tears if necessary. Slap yourself around the face until you have red cheeks. Faint outrageously in front of the main detractors.

Let nothing get in your way, the objective here is simple: winning. Those bastards didn't listen when you did things quietly and politely, now is the time to make them listen. No amount of histrionics is too much.

Eventually someone will find a chair and make you tea. You have won.

from Brother Machiavelli's Guide to the Tea Rota

Chapter 6: When Those on the Rota are Making Conversation Not Tea

Paragraph titled: When Gentle Hints Do Not Work

If a member of the congregation makes a cake / other food item for you, then you must eat it. Regardless of allergies, preferences, medical conditions etc. And look like you're enjoying it. Just eat it. Now!

Tubbs

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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Arethosemyfeet
Shipmate
# 17047

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
From the same book, chapter 4:

quote:
Any item with a brass (or other) commemorative plaque on it, denoting that it was given "in loving memory", may not be - irrespective of condition or utility - disposed of, moved, shoved into a high cupboard, repainted or otherwise interfered with without the explicit written confirmation of at least 3 of said person's surviving relatives and the approval of a minimum of 98% of the current congregation.

The same applies to any item that is unmarked but where the surviving relatives remember who gave/made/paid for it.
Posts: 2933 | From: Hebrides | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged
Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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Jesus is Lord, all the rest is bullshit.

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It is better to be Kind than right.

Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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They will forgive you if you are drunk, they will forgive you if you are a bit foolish, they will forgive a certain lack of chasteness. They will struggle to forgive you if you are unkind.


If he can not make you bad he will make you busy.


There is a difference between church business and the business of the church.


The more you infantilise people the more childlike they become.


Avoid decisions and encourage conversations. You can change your mind during a conversation.


If your PCC looks and acts more like the board of IBM than say for instance a birthday party then the devil is gently rubbing his hands in glee.

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It is better to be Kind than right.

Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

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Which Names Should Be Allowed To Go In The Memorial Book was a good one I remember.

(Tangent – when the memorial book was instituted, a note went in the church newsletter “If anyone wants someone put in the memorial book, please see Wendy”. I wasn’t sure if that meant Wendy was willing to bump people off on request.)

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http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by M.:
Ah, I've sat in too many rancorous church meetings discussing whether we should move the forsythia bush from one side of the doorway to the other* to take this thread as humourous.

M.

*Went on for about 18 months, perhaps 2 years?

Please see, The Observer Guide to Congregational Government:

  • Congregations reserve the right to have endless re-runs of decisions made at the church meeting if they don’t get the outcome they wanted first time.
  • Should the congregation not realise the consequences of a specific decision, even if it was pointed out to them during the meeting / mentioned in material circulated before the meeting / mentioned in the minutes circulated afterwards, this is the Minister’s fault. Same applies if it turns out to be a stupid idea.
  • Should the decision be a resounding success, this is because congregational government rocks! Nothing to do with the Minister whatsoever.
  • The amount of heat and light a decision causes will be in reverse proportion to its importance.


Then there's “Building Projects and How to Survive Them. A Minister’s Guide”:

“The Battle of the Organ” is currently running in a mate’s church. The church has agreed to and funded a building redevelopment project. For the project to go ahead as agreed, the church’s organ needs to be removed. The organ hasn’t been touched for about 20 years and hasn’t been maintained so it’s completely buggered. It would cost thousands to restore and wasn’t a very good one to start with. The people that never noticed the huge, organ shaped hole in the plans Are Not Happy ™. Plan is Work of Satan and Must Be Stopped ™.

One church had people leave because the only day they could get permission from the council for the huge crane they needed for one day of their building project to be on site was Sunday. Better to shut the whole centre of town for an entire day, inconveniencing 140,600 people, than working on the Sabbath. Or you could cancel the whole project. A church doesn't need a roof. Never Work on a Sunday. (When the meeting voted yes to the crane on the Sunday, they immediately left the meeting, never to be seen at church again!)

Tubbs

[ 10. June 2015, 12:23: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

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If, subsequent to a decision made at a church meeting, a small group of people (that voted in favour of the decision) change their minds, they can ignore the decision and do whatever they want to if, and only if, that group includes:

• The church secretary
• The church secretary’s wife
• Their children
• Any cronies or hangers on of the above mentioned

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http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
Which Names Should Be Allowed To Go In The Memorial Book was a good one I remember.

(Tangent – when the memorial book was instituted, a note went in the church newsletter “If anyone wants someone put in the memorial book, please see Wendy”. I wasn’t sure if that meant Wendy was willing to bump people off on request.)

We've had "Who Should Be Allowed to Read from the Bible at the Carol Service".

Tubbs

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ricardus
Shipmate
# 8757

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Remember that the Choir are your enemies.

Whatever they say, they are plotting against you.

Don't listen to them - they are only trying to trap you.

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Then the dog ran before, and coming as if he had brought the news, shewed his joy by his fawning and wagging his tail. -- Tobit 11:9 (Douai-Rheims)

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
Remember that the Choir are your enemies.

Whatever they say, they are plotting against you.

Don't listen to them - they are only trying to trap you.

This sounds remarkably like proof of the existence of Sirens, of the Greek mythological variety.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged
gog
Shipmate
# 15615

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quote:
Even without experience or direct training you will be expected to provide IT support on all church related matters
From the Addendum to ministerial training: the real stuff that there was no time for in training
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