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» Ship of Fools   »   » Oblivion   » You just can't offend me. (Page 2)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: You just can't offend me.
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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I could hardly consider it a greater compliment that you consider my genes so threatening that you desire to eliminate them from the gene pool. Natural selection certainly wasn't going to favour yours over mine.

I just got a call from Robert Mugabe. He says he wants you to stand next to him in a photoshoot to make him look like a more reasonable and compassionate person.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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I'll bring my broomstick.


Whatever made you consider that you met the person spec of people skills for this post?

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
I'll bring my broomstick.


Whatever made you consider that you met the person spec of people skills for this post?

The fact that you have paid me to do it for the last 33 years?

There is something deeply, deeply wrong with you.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
Chief of sinners
Shipmate
# 8794

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Better deeply wrong than shallow

What does your village do for an idiot now you have moved to the city?

--------------------
If Jesus was half the revolutionary you claim, how come he is now represented by one of the most conservative, status-quo institutions on the planet?

Posts: 155 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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Are you thinking of applying? You'd be a shoe-in!

You're so tight with money, you make an old Yorkshireman look like Monty Brewster.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
Are you thinking of applying? You'd be a shoe-in!

You're so tight with money, you make an old Yorkshireman look like Monty Brewster.

That's because I have secretly been saving every spare penny to help an orphan named 'Pip' through a benevolent fund. In order to save his life, I have had to appear to be a miser in society. Only now do I reveal the truth, and that with a heavy heart...

You make my flesh crawl.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076

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And with any chance your flesh will learn to walk in time. I know this physical therapy is hard, and I know you resent us for pushing you to do it. But if you don't, you'll never walk.

You're just so emotional. Can't you calm down. You're the problem here. Just don't be so worked up!

--------------------
A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.


Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Ah, you cold, detached types have a terrible tendency to implode from your repressed and denied impulses. Instead of projecting your feelings onto me, why don't you seek professional help?


To be or not to be, is, in your case, a no-brainer. Not.

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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You're right, it's not a no- brainer. Questions of existence never are. Put down the Descartes once in a while, though, and read Mad. You're coming across a little gloomy, hon.


whoever told you you can write? This is garbage.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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In the industry it is known as 'Environmental Waste (and Recycling) Trade Weekly'. I have been writing for the publication for 14 years now and before you ask, yes, we have been on 'Have I Got News For You'. I make £100,000 a year as editor.

You have a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ok, I know that was supposed to be an insult, but my God, what a wonderful image. Flannery O'Connor could have written that. I am gonna print out that post and paste it to my wall. I may even try to make a watercolor rendition of that poor bulldog, but I am sure I won't do it justice. Care to model?

You are so ugly I could shove your face in a pile of dough and make gorilla cookies.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076

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Well, we certainly do have different styles of makeup. I guess that just shows it takes all kinds.

Every time you blow your nose, the ships at sea sound their horns in response! (Actually said by my grandmother to me as a sick child.)

--------------------
A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.


Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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( [Mad] )

Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandma, I'm trying so hard to...to..
(Leans over and delivers rapid fire series of sneezes directly into Grandma's face, preferably with projectiles.)

your dumb friend made valedictorian. Why didn't you?

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Actually, my dear friend made a Victorian-style sculpture in the master class she teaches.

And I graduated last year--summa cum laude AND valedictorian.


What was that you brought to the potluck lunch? Everyone else's was made from scratch. Yours looked like you just picked it up at the supermarket on the way there.

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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1. Everyone else brought quiche.

2. I supply a range of budget sandwiches to a number of supermarkets (also Wilko and Poundland). I simply did not have the time to make another set of sandwiches so popped into Aldi and bought the cheese and tomato sandwiches which I had already paid someone the minimum wage to produce.

3. At least it's not quiche.


You are controlled by Satan.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Yes, I know, isn't it wonderful? Because of that I can't be blamed for anything, it's all Satan's fault!

[b]You call this stuff food? It's inedible!

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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No, I call it a spare tyre. I noticed yours was flat so I was giving you mine so as to avoid a late night call out to the AA.

I would put a circle around every error in this piece of work, but there isn't enough ink left in my pen after expending most of it on your last effort.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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You could try coming prepared - it's a good technique for those, like you, who wish to aspire to jobs like mine.


Darling, I do feel that the party would go better if you freshened up a little. Or even a lot. First door on the right, upstairs.

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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You're right sweetheart, but you had better use the bathroom first as the lovemaking did get rather sweaty and intense.


You're either a doormat, a doormouse or dormant.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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Dominatrix, actually, my dear. Now kneel!

I've met corpses with more charisma than you.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076

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They say that sort of insult to lots of strong intelligent women. Rather than worry about it, I'd rather study some of the secrets of the world in my lab. You are right though I'm not into makeup, fussy clothes, or looking weak. Or tolerating fools, and on that note...

Look like that? No wonder you can't find a job!

[ 15. May 2015, 14:59: Message edited by: Gwai ]

--------------------
A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.


Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Self employed, sweetie, as a jobbing actor. This month I'm a beggar in a rather well-paid costume drama.


What would it take to make you the ultimate boss? Your resignation.

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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(Tangent.)

quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Yes, I know, isn't it wonderful? Because of that I can't be blamed for anything, it's all Satan's fault!

Shades of Geraldine, and "the devil made me do it". [Smile]

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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I've got a cue-card from one of Flip's programmes featuring Leslie Uggams as guest star. I was a big fan and visited the studio in LA as a teenager.

--------------------
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Alyosha
Shipmate
# 18395

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quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
Self employed, sweetie, as a jobbing actor. This month I'm a beggar in a rather well-paid costume drama.


What would it take to make you the ultimate boss? Your resignation.

I, Sepp, will listen and do it for the good of FIFA and football in general. All this time I have been a man of integrity and love - and now my true colours are revealed.


You are devoid of all imagination, like a barren wasteland.

Posts: 162 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2015  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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My soul is open to the voice divine, unlike those whose sole aim in life is to insult rather than reflect.


I knew it was you as soon as I smelt your feet coming down the corridor.

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
argona
Shipmate
# 14037

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You're an angel, having the courage to tell me. I never knew! Let me give you something. Do you like these socks?

[B}What's that rattling sound when you shake your head?[/B]

Posts: 327 | From: Oriental dill patch? (4,7) | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged
argona
Shipmate
# 14037

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It's been so long, clearly I need a refresher in coding [Frown]
Posts: 327 | From: Oriental dill patch? (4,7) | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Yes there is, but my brokenness has been healed by Jesus the Lord. Why not cast aside your self-important insecurity and let Him into your heart?


The length of your toenails reminds me of Nebuchadnezzar. I expect he also had similar malodorous grime-induced sores between his toes

--------------------
But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged



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