I am a sheep, baa baa
And I like to be well fed
But like a sheep baa baa
I'm a little stupid in the head

To which the only answer is Yes I think you probably are.
 

The verse uses a massive 3 notes, and the chorus expands that to 5!
 

Choruses not being put into their context. For example, There’s a Noel “Status Quo” Richards chorus which goes something like “Without their saviour, they’re lost for ever”. It was originally written for an evangelical conference and designed to be played LOUD and encourage the audience into action … On a wet Sunday night reduced to a dirge by the band it sounded more like, “We’re going to heaven and you’re not … Way hey!”

Choruses which make the Lord, creator of the universe, the King of Kings etc sound more like your pocket pal … or, if you’re a woman, your heavenly boyfriend.

Double entrendres … “Jesus take me as I am, I can come no other way” or “Lord you put a tongue in my mouth”. But that could be me being dirty minded again.

Choruses that reduce your Christian journey to being all me, me, me, me … Better stop here as I tend to start ranting about this when I discuss this issue at great length. Then I start heaping abuse on a certain Mr Kendrick.

Tubbs

[ 13 June 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

The 'yeah, right, earth calling chorus writer - come in chorus writer' Prize goes to this Ishmael classic:

I'm a conqueror, victorious
I'm living in Jesus
I'm seated in heavenly places with Him
And the kingdom of God is within me
I know no defeat only victory
Yes the kingdom of God is within me
I know no defeat only strength and power

The 'if only 'twere so' Prize is up for grabs between these two classic lines:

my heart's one desire/is to be holy

and, of course,

and in His presence/our problems disappear

Further nominations?
 

"what a mighty god we serve,
what a mighty god we serve.
what a....."

you get the picture.

Still, since some of us left all that behind and started creating our own (alternative) worship we've had to start writing stuff ourselves if we want to sing. It's hard to not fall into the same trap.

Repetitive mushy shlock to a trance beat is still repetitive mushy shlock.

[edited to restore normal horizontal scroll]

[ 24 August 2001: Message edited by: frin ]
 

Actually, one of the best services I've ever attended is when Rupert the Minister talked about what it's like turning up to church when life isn't great and got the church to contribute their personal experiences. Being honest in church ... Now there's a thing

Tubbs
 

I don't want to be a sadducee
I don't want to be a sadducee
cos they're so sad you see
I just want to be a sheep, baa baa baa baa.

They also managed to slag off the rest of the NT Jewish hierarchy too, but thankfully my memory has blotted out those additional verses.
 

'We believe in Hebrews 13:8' is a little kids' song (that's the excuse) and is a yee-hah hoedown style sort of thing.

Here's a parody you may recognise:

"It's pants, and it breaks my heart
It's pants, this old ropey song
It's pants, the tune is boring
And goes on too long (x2)

And I need a pint of something strong
To relieve my nervous twitch
Because of what this song has done to me (x2)"
 

Like a mighty dinosaur
Lumbers the church of God
Brothers we are treading
Where no-one sane has trod
We are not divided
Oh no honestly
One in truth and doctrine
Each year at Drumcree

Onward Christian Soldiers
Spoiling for a fight
With the Cross of Jesus
Kept well out of sight

And who can forget this immortal Pentecostal classic?

The church's one foundation
Is speaking in strange tongues
Though oft th'intepretation
Comes straight of folks' bums
But don't you dare to doubt it
For that way hell-fire lies
Where liberals and heathens
Are served up with french fries.
 

quote:

---

and in His presence/our problems disappear

---

Then you've never been in His presence properly. That is not to say that the problems don't come back, or that they are suddenly all solvable, but in God's presence, problems do disappear, and He casts a new light on them.

[surreptitiously climbs out of the back of asbestos suit, hoping no-one notices]

"Lord you put a tongue in my mouth" should be removed from all song books. The problem is, you can't explain to people why it is so bad. The fact that it is a trite and naff song should be enough, but isn't always.

There was a song published in a Spring Harvest songbook with a reference to "the guilty sod". I am glad to say that I never had to sing it. I think it was "revised" in later editions.

"Bind us together Lord" was obviously written by and for guitarists who had no skill whatsoever. It should only be played by such. This is probably why it can still be heard in so many churches.

My nomination has to be "Cast your burdens onto Jesus". Aaargh. Probably along with any song requiring actions. Even the children find them embarassing.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karl:
Of course, there's always:

Like a mighty dinosaur
Lumbers the church of God
Brothers we are treading
Where no-one sane has trod
We are not divided
Oh no honestly
One in truth and doctrine
Each year at Drumcree

Onward Christian Soldiers
Spoiling for a fight
With the Cross of Jesus
Kept well out of sight

[/i]

---

Ooohh I know a different version!

Like a mighty tortoise
Moves the Church of God
Brothers we are treading
Where we've always trod
We are still divided
Many bodies we
Very strong on doctrine
Weak on charity

That's an ouchy one.... a bit too near to the bone
 

quote:

---

but its chorus includes the words "Wicked ,wicked, Fab, Fab, Brill, Brill". I cannot remember in exactly what order.

---

Ahem, sorry about this, but that particular chorus goes

Oh it's great great, brill brill, wicked wicked, skill skill/To have a friend like Jesus

We do it at a weekend known as New Beginnings that we take our youth group to and nobody but nobody seems to like it. In fact, most of the kids seem to find it really embarassing. That's why I was surprised to ear them singing it on the bus on the way home to London, until I realised that the'd made up some rude words for it.
 

quote:

---

[Climbs into asbestos lined suit, with full air conditioning and cooling]

quote:

and in His presence/our problems disappear

Then you've never been in His presence properly. That is not to say that the problems don't come back, or that they are suddenly all solvable, but in God's presence, problems do disappear, and He casts a new light on them.

[surreptitiously climbs out of the back of asbestos suit, hoping no-one notices]

---

I'd stay in that asbestos suit for a moment...

Sorry. That line embodies the worst kind of simplistic, damaging, false, charismatic shit that is sprayed over congregations by song writers who don't have a theological clue.

If our problems disappear, how can God cast any light of any kind over them? It doesn't make sense, unless you have a very different understanding of 'disappear' to me. To me, it means 'go away', 'not be present any more' and so on. This my problems failed to do dismally.

It's psychology. Some people, singing that, are able to push their problems aside. Great for them. Others, me included, just sit there thinking 'what a load of crap! I'm still in a shit job, in debt, and was still turned down by {insert name of desired female} on Friday'

It damaged me, that sort of theology. Because I came to the conclusion that since my problems didn't go away in worship, I was indeed not coming into God's presence. So obviously there was something wrong with me. Or God wasn't real. Fortunately I found a third option - the theology was crap.

If I may be self-indulgent for a moment, I wrote of this period (in the poem The Clown)

quote:

---

VI.

The clown is feeling creeping madness.
He is numb from the caress of the Lady
And an old song has stirred up painful memories.
He cries to the night and doesn?t care who hears.
Elsewhere, the Ringmaster hears and weeps
But the clown doesn?t know this, although he believes it is true.
So he walks the dark road alone.

VII.

The clown tried mountaineering once.
He remembered from his youth
How the mountains were greater than his fears.
He packed up his troubles
Because he couldn?t leave them behind.
But the weight crushed him and he couldn?t straighten up;
So he didn?t taste the cold, clear air of freedom.

VIII.

The clown has found a note
It fell through his door while he was out in the mountains.
The writing is oddly familiar.
It says ?I know your pain?
The clown doesn?t really know what to make of it,
But somehow it makes him feel better.

IX.

The clown is feeling hope.
The note has had a strange effect on him.
He doesn?t feel guilty about his feelings anymore.
?Even the Ringmaster would feel the same? he says.
Deep inside, he feels the throbbing of his refound heart.
-the Clown, (c) Karl Thornley so don't steal it.

---

No problems disappeared. I just felt it was OK to have them.

[horizontal scroll fixed]

[ 24 August 2001: Message edited by: frin ]
 

because i spent ALL DAY yesterday with this AWFUL song that we did in choir stuck in my head, called all in the april evening. basic thing of the song is a guy seeing the shepards driving the sheep up to the summer pastures in the mountains and thinking of jesus going to the crucifixion. but with all sorts of trite and dopey references to "the sheep with their little lambs..." " rest for the little bodies, rest for the little feet" "dewy pastures sweet", and "the lamb of god going meekly to die". UGH. and i couldn't stop humming it!!!!
 

they usually occur in old hymns and there's a posh word for them, but i don't know it...

for example: name & lamb

to rhyme you'd have to sing "Jesus the lame"
 

Sorry you have been hurt ( that's genuine, and out of place in hell ). I don't support any form of religion that damages people. But it livened up the discussio na bit, didn't it

 

is that meant to be a rhetorical question?
 

When the Spirit of the Lord is within my heart I will dance like David danced
If I recall, that was naked. Was the writer of this chorus actually intending the congregation to strip off in church?

The same song also has sing like David sang. As has been pointed out in the "Angry at God" thread, some of the songs David wrote show how angry David was at God sometimes. I don't think the song writer meant this either

Alan
 

Now that's dodgy stuff, frankly.

Ian
 

“So forget about yourself
Concentrate on Him
And worship Him”

Repeat several times. This song is guaranteed to do precisely the opposite to that which the writer intended. I instantly start thinking about stuff like the hardness of the pew, what I have to get done today etc …

I have come to the conclusion that I am terminally shallow

Tubbs
 

Sorry

Tubbs
 

Those who set at naught and sold him
Pierced and nailed him to the tree
Deeply wailing
Deeply wailing
Deeply wailing
Shall their true Messiah see.

This at the v least lays itself open to charges of horrifying anti-semitism, and considering the church's record in this area, it should never be sung again.
 

Lost in the shuffle I was

lost as a goose.

The devil had a rope out,

and it looked just like a noose.

But just before I went off,

of that deep end,

My Father threw me out a line,

forgave me of my sin.

Now we're Dancin', me and the Father.

He's Throwing me up in the air.

We're dancin', me and the father.

He's swinging me, I like it up there,

With my Father, I like it up there

with my Father.

He took me to the water

and cleaned me real good.

Then He raised me up to be with him,

I feel just like I should.

He filled me with His Spirit,

I drank the whole cup.

Now when He calls, I hear it.

Hey turn that volume up 'cause we're...

Dancin', me and the Father.

He's Throwing me up in the air.

We're dancin', me and the father.

He's swinging me,

I like it up there with the Father.

I like it up there with the Father.

God 's got a big family,

more than anyone can count.

There's always room for more,

no need to be left out.

So, come on, come on, come on,

and you could be

Dancin', you and the Father,

He'll throw you up in the air.

You'd be dancin'

You and the Father.

He'll swing you up.

You'll like it up there,

with the Father.

You'll like it up there,

with the Father.
 

I mean.......why? In the name of everything that is holy and true .... WHY?

[edited to remove a hopeless and inept use of the code buttons]

[ 14 June 2001: Message edited by: frin ]
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by SteveTom:
Though the next verse does achieve the glorious feat of rhyming 'bears', 'cars', and 'worshippers'.

---

Actually, SteveTom, I think you meant "scars," not "cars," though admittedly cars can scar you if you're not careful.

And I daresay Charles Wesley will smite you for questioning his fine hymn, though admittedly for purposes of scansion the clauses are inverted and it takes a little sorting out before you discover that the sentiment is very biblical. Lake of fire and all that.

The tune for this hymn in the ECUSA hymnal is a splendid early American tune,
Helmsley, which makes it fun to play and a delight to sing. I assume that Hymns Ancient and Modern probably has it attached to some sucky tune. That's usually the case and probably why you're sour on it. Amazing how a good tune can cover a multitude of textual sins.

tomb
 

my personal favourites:

"she poured her love for the master
from her box of alabaster"
(fortunatley I've wiped the rest of this from my memory)

i'm another avoider of anything with actions

oh yes, and "come into his presence" which reminds me of Val Doonican (sp?) and his dancers ,for some reason - especially the "up-tempo" second verse - or maybe that's just me...

OK
anyone for "Shine, Jesus, shine"?

love
smatt
 

quote:

---

anyone for "Shine, Jesus, shine"?

---

I think Karl and I dealt with that with a machine gun on the thread about why anyone should get shot in church.

We thought it was a good reason

Louise
 

We Orthodox do not have these songs .... at all!

We do tend to have varicose veins though ... from all that standing up

I a reminded of a simply awful one from the past:-

"Jesus drop kick me through the goal posts of life ..."

Yeah, right!
 

And anything by Carman. A man who writes songs directly connected the lack of school-sponsored prayer with drug abuse...sigh. And I won't even begin on the "Holy Ghost Hop".
 

Anyway. Having been brought up in a fairly traditional Catholic church in a particularly Irish part of South Manchester, music in church was pretty much limited to your traditional dirges accompanied by badly played pipe organ music. I never much noticed these hairy old hymns as music, more as things that should bloody well hurry up and finish so I can get home and watch Chopper Squad or Thunderbirds. Some hippyish couple used to play guitar and electric bass at the 10 am service which was almost exciting, but our family usually went to the 11am service which was like having teeth pulled. (Except when Mass was said by the old Canon, he could wizz through a mass in 40 minutes on a good day and you'd get home in time to catch TerrorHawks if you were lucky).

But once I'd become a Christian at Uni I was suddenly bombarded with the world of cheesy chorus' at Christian Union, trendy tunes at the local Anclican church and worst of all, friends trying to interest me in albums by dull buffoons in rainbow sweaters (Trying to wean me off the devilish rock music I listened to, didn't work folks – anyway Iron Maiden have written more songs about searching for God and finding faith with great harmony solos that Graham Kendrick, so there). The CU would have these so called 'Low Cringe' meetings were they tried to get down-with-the-kids and be normal students. But these evangelical events were blighted by some of the worst music imaginable. Much of it already mentioned in this thread. How on earth anyone thought the was evangelical mileage in chorus' about wiggly worms, (with actions, mind you, with actions) I'll never know.

But the very very worst thing I ever did see was a video of a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. This guy is a one trick pony. Nearly every song he kinda raps, in a very white way, usually spelling out the title of the songe like some strange Christian version of Sesame Street for especially slow kids. And to cap it off there's a song of his called 'King of the Jungle.' I cannot possible convey how awful this song is, so here are some of the lyrics…

Well the day has just begun and I'm already running late
With too many irons in the fire and too much on my plate
I'd be pulling out my hair if I could just get one hand free
And I'd stop this world if I could find the key

CHORUS
What I feel is telling me I'm going crazy, but
What is real says God's still on His throne
What I need is to remember one thing
That the Lord of the gentle breeze is Lord of the rough and tumble
And He is King of the Jungle

People say this world's a jungle and sometimes I must admit
I'd be scared to death if I did not know who was king of it
But the truth is God created this whole world with His own hand
So everything is under His command
(Chorus)
K-I-N-G of the J-U-N-G-L-E
He is the king of creation
K-I-N-G of the J-U-N-G-L-E
Ruler of the earth and sky and the sea
K-I-N-G of the J-U-N-G-L-E
He's always in control
He is the King of kings

It's even worse with the music. Notice the use of the rap/spell effect in the final chours, he does that a lot you know. You'd think someone somewhere would say, "Oiy, Steven Nooooooo!" What's even funnier is that on the same album is a song called Burn the Ships where he uses Cortez' order to burn the ships when he reached the new world as a metaphor. Lovely Steven, no much about what Cortez and his fellow Conquesadors got up to in South America do we? What's really sad is I bought this record. I went through a period when I first became a Christian realy trying to get into all aspects of the faith. I even bought a tasteless multi-coloured jumper from millets. Look if a girl you fancy is into the fella's music you make the effort, it was either that or her other favorite – but look, I'll buy cheesy Christian music but I'm not going through the embarressment of buying a Bon Jovi record.

I have played a part in furthering rubbish chorus' though. I joined the CU band on electric guitar. The idea was to form a band that put a bit more effort into the quality of the music at CU meetings. So we actually jammed quite a bit and even got to solo. It's much easier when throwing shapes, posing, and ripping into shredding solos (even though at rehersals I'd promised not to) to ignore the true awfullness of the songs you are playing. That's my excuse.

The music that's always meant more to me is by artists I already respected, writing about their faith in a real manner. Getting annoyed, losing faith, finding it again, kicking it around etc. It means more to me than a hundred smiley Graham Kendricks to hear someone like Dave Mustaine (of Megadeth) or the wonderful Rick Wakemam talk about their faith. Dream Theater's 'Voices' is a powerful song about struggling with doubt, and not a cringe in site (unless you don't like Prog Rock – actually I feel my audience slipping away now)

Gosh, this is a long post. My apologies. I should have split it up into smaller chunks, might make Shipmate quicker that way.
 

Dear God, don't tell me you're still singing that thing?

tomb
 

The problem with 'Lo, he comes with clouds descending' has got absolutely nothing to do with scansion or tune.
The problem is that it is keeping alive the idea that the Jews are responsible for the killing of Christ and are going to pay. It's an idea that has been the death of thousands upon thousands, and it's utterly despicable.
A 'fun' tune does not redeem racist slander.
 

And then, of course, Graham Kendrick. Especially his mid-life crisis song "For the joys and for the sorrows". Dreadful tune and the horribly sickening lyrics of a middle-class jumper-wearing evangelical. Even thinking about it is making me cringe.

KevT.
 

Well you can get little worse than:

Who's the king of the jungle (oo oo)
Who's the king of the sea (bubble bubble bubble)

I know it's a kids song, but someone introduced a camp full of 7 year olds to it; and it's all we sang ALL BLASTED WEEK.

(sorry, still get the hypertension)

"Blessed be the name of the Lord" which includes the marvelous lines "The name of the Lord is/a strong tower/the righteous run into it..." ...and hurt themselves.

Then there's "We really want to thank you, Lord" sung to something not dissimilar from a musical box accompanyment.

"Come on an celebrate"

"Bind us together" (Oh please, get a life)

And ANYTHING by that certain Mr. K.

Hmm, this is rather cathartic, innit?
 

We are fluffy lambs
We are fluffy lambs
We are fluffy lambs for you-ou-ou

Jane R
 

Tubbs
 

i was at a recent ecumenical service and we methodists were suffering high mass served up by the bishop, no less.

however, for some reason (progress???) the procession out was to some cheesy choruses. the anglican clergy attempted to walk out with decorum (not really possible to Kendrick), but our circuit president followed on with a groovy hip-swinging dance.
prompting a quiet but audiable cheer from the low church contingency.

this doesn't redeem the choruses, nor am i making excuses for dancing clergy, but somehow it rather showed up all that poncing about with things on sticks.

maybe choruses are god's way of stopping us taking this worship thing too seriously...
 

1. Lord of the Dance
(nuff said)

2. Kumbaya
(Why does anyone still sing it?)

3. Down the mountain the river flows
(if you don't know the rest, be very very grateful)

4. Shine Jesus Shine
(Flogged to death years ago and it was never that good anyway)

5. Will you come and follow me
(I love the Iona Community and I love most of the Bell/Maule songs. So why is this crappy thing the one which gets most attention? Is it because people feel too uncomfortable with the better stuff?)

6. These are the days of Elijah
("here comes that Revival" - oops sorry, you'll just have to wait a little longer...)

7. The day of the streams is over
(ditto)

8. As the deer pants for the water
(nice first verse - right from Psalm 42 - but utterly cringeworthy in verses 2 and 3 - "you are the apple of my eye"?)

9. Teach me to dance to the best of your heart
(GK - you are the weakest link - goodbye)

10. Come and join the celebration
(Have a very naff Christmas...)

General inclusions:
- anything with a mock Jewish tune which gets faster and faster before you are all supposed to say "hey!" at the end.

- anything which gives an excuse for the free-form jazz tambourine players to do their thang.

If you really want to get depressed, get a copy of the expanded Songs of Fellowship and look at the words of most of the songs in the latter half (ie the more recent ones). It is really horrifying....
 

Kumbayah - does anyone still sing it? Please, no!

I'd also like to commend What a friend we have in Jesus for the 'if only 'twere that simple' category.
 

Karl, I loved the poem. Was it a deliberate homage to the 'Giant' poems?

Nicole, our school choir used to sing 'All in the April evening'. We used to get ticked off for bad diction in the line 'two stark crosses between'. Our teacher used to say 'what are two-star crosses?'! Sentimental mush at its worst.

I often do the kids' worship slot at church and will defend choruses with simple words, lively tunes and actions because the kids and adults (at our church anyway) love 'em. But actions are encouraged rather than enforced!

However, I'm glad I was away the other week when a new chorus was sung beginning

"I'm head over heels with the living God
From my tummy button to my toes..."
 

quote:

---

Was it a deliberate homage to the 'Giant' poems?

---

Busted

To tell the truth, it wasn't originally deliberate, but the similar theme and vehicle (the alter ego) inevitably created similarities.

Alas, I am not such a poet as to be truly original.
 

Phil R reminded me of "Father Abraham", which I sang at least twice a day for a holiday club many years ago. It started the week being very poor indeed, and by the end ....
 

quote:

---

Sorry, but Lord of the Dance has to be there because, like so many other entries on this list, it is out of place being sung in church today.

---

As Angus Deayton (sp.?) would say 'In what way?'
 

They were pretty grim too.
And at the end of each one everybody clapped! God it was embarassing.

However, I must add in favour of (completely changing the subject) Graham Kendrick:

he wouldn't inspire half so much British bile if he wasn't so successful and popular;
anyone who doesn't remember what 'contemporary worship' was like pre-Graham doesn't know they're born; and
you have to give him credit for more or less singlehandedly injecting theology into contemporary worship.

Injections of thelogy?! Can you back this up with concrete examples ...

Tubbs
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karl:
As Angus Deayton (sp.?) would say 'In what way?'

---

I can actually remember when it was the best of the crop - the alternative was another dirge from Ancient and Mouldy, but that was a long time ago. Today it is rubbish, and dated.

That is the problem with many songs on this thread ( not all - some have always been afwul ). They are bad now because they are so much a product of their time. In many cases, they wer totally over-done, because the choice was so limited - Majesty ( another one I want to drop in the sulpher lake ) is a prime example. For a significant period, anytime you wanted a quiet and medatitive song, Majesty was the choice. Every time.

In partial support of GK, he did make a difference to the worship scene, that was significant and worthwhile. Before him, we had Lord of the Dance . But he has written his best stuff, and I very much doubt that he will write anything that will be remembered again. Time to retire Graham. I just hope Martin Smith and their ilk know when their time is past rather better.

{'ere pass that oil well over here, we need a bit more flams and heat in this place}
 

Majesty is no better nor worse than it ever was. It's just that we've sung it often enough to realise how vacuous it is now.
 

Karl, I'm afraid there are QUITE A FEW GK songs I prefer to 'Lord of the Dance'! Though it hasn't helped my view of that song to have been in a school morning assembly in the row behind a lad who was improvising his own, ahem, 'lyrics' when we were singing it. The chorus of the song will never be the same again!

Speaking of school assemblies, the hymn 'Morning has broken' did a lot of 'temporary' harm to me. It's line 'Blackbird has spoken, Like the first bird' particularly irked a 9 year old who wanted to be a paleontologist, who KNEW that Archaeopteryx sounded nowt like Turdus merula. (I also knew the First dewfall was WAY before the first grass!). So in a small way, the hymn contributed to the period of Atheism that lasted till I was 15. I have never liked it since!
 

Oops.
 

quote:

---

It's line 'Blackbird has spoken, Like the first bird' particularly irked a 9 year old who wanted to be a paleontologist, who KNEW that Archaeopteryx sounded nowt like Turdus merula.

---

Or quite possibly Protoavis, if the fossil turns out to be what its discover thinks it is.

Here's a thought for you - crocodiles are more closely related to ostriches than they are to lizards...
 

I've never quite got over this one.

But what I want to know is: where are all the liberal choruses in this thread? Surely you've noticed the gaping holes and hapless imagery in those by now?

Like this from Bell/Maule's "As two we love are wed this day": (to the tune Sussex Carol)

quote:

---

Parents and families they leave
Their own new families to make
and sharing what their pasts have brought
they shape it for the future's sake
Praise, Praise the Maker, Spirit, Son
Blessing this marriage now begun

---

The jaunty tune, the soggy lyrics. It wasn't even the worst in "Common Ground" (the Scottish Churches' Hymnal).

'frin
 

Modern worship songs tend to mix them all up and because they don't have quotation marks like ordinary prose dialogue it can be confusing if you have lost track of who is supposed to be talking. eg 'Lord make us still in your presence' (mode of address a)where all of a sudden we get switched to 'May the peace of Christ be with you' (mode of address b); and the whole last verse, which is a kind of doxology, is also mode (b).

It isn't too bad if it is an obviously structured dialogue eg the question and answer format of 'Here I am Lord' where God speaks to us in the verse and we reply in the chorus but there is a tendency for modern worship songs to switch about rapidly.
 

quote:

---

My bile towards a certain GK has nothing to do with being Welsh

---

No, I wasn't suggesting that it had, just that the urge to kick someone when they're up is a profoundly British one.

quote:

---

and everything to do with the fact that I think that a fairly good proportion of his songs are crap.

---

But I think we'd all agree that that applies to the genre as a whole, so why the need to pick on him in particular?

quote:

---

For this I have Jesus works equally well when the words chocolate or gin are subsituted.

---

Can't fault you there.

quote:

---

Injections of thelogy?! Can you back this up with concrete examples ...

---

Of course.
There's The Servant King using the incarnation as a model for Christian servanthood.
The Price is Paid goes into a fair bit of detail on the atonement and the difference it should make to the Christian life.
He walked where I walk is remarkable in the weight it gives to the humanity of Jesus.
And Come and See is simply a great hymn.

And how about this:
Rest for the ravaged earth, oceans and streams
Plundered and poisoned - our future our dreams.
Lord end our madness, carelessness greed;
Make us content with the things that we need.
If you can quote an environmentlist worship song from the 1970s I'll eat my pants.
And O O O O O O Heaven is in my heart is a searing indictment of - oh no, hang on...

I'm not saying he's Wesley - who is? But for doctrinal content I think what I've cited compares pretty favourably with How Great Thou Art. (Yes, I know that's not by Wesley.) And it certainly beats the shit out of anything in the first couple of Songs of Fellowship books.

In fact I have a SOF book 1 (1981, 159 songs) here, and it has simply nothing in it more profound than Abba Father.

It does though have this corker, which I never noticed to now:

Some folks may ask me, some folks may say
Who is this Jesus you talk about every day
He is my saviour, he set me free
Now listen while I tell you what he means to me.

He is my everything, he is my all
He is my everything both great and small
He made my life complete, made everything new,
He is my everything, now how about you?

Now that's what I call worship.
 

and lets be honest here, i don't mean that one old tape you put on in the car when you're feeling down, i'm asking if you come home from work and choose something Christian rather than some Bowie, Coltrane or Debussy.
 

Reasons for disliking GK intently:

He is probably the most well known writer of guitar based choruses and Christians for the last 20 years will have sung his stuff on a regular basis. I don’t think Martin Smith or Matt Redmond are as well known yet.

He was the first and has spawned many piss poor imitators who wouldn’t necessarily recognise sound theology if it came and kicked them in the head. Let alone a good tune ….

He is very prolific and doesn’t seem to have been fitted with a quality control button

If I sing certain of his songs again I may not be responsible for my actions … Although I appreciate this may not be entirely his fault.

As an aside, In the bargain bin of my local Christian bookshop I found a book by GK entitled “Worship” that was extremely good. You have now proved there is sound theology … I think I need to go for a lie down.

Environmental songs from the 70’s … deep in my past I remember a hymn about the town and the country and buses, tractors etc and it did vaguely talk about the environment. It was extremely bad and a vague memory isn’t enough to insist you eat your pants. I take it “We plough the fields and scatter the good seed on the land” etc doesn’t count.

Tubbs
 

Are you sure that, "Jesus drop kick me through the goal posts of life" was a real song. I came across it in Berke Breathed's Bloom County, and I always assumed he made it up.

Moo
 

Yes I think I'm fairly convinced by the argument that GK has done something for the worship scene, so I think I'd revise my condeming of his stuff to just everything he's done since about the "Makeway" march for Jesus stuff.

But again, in his defence, he is about the only contemporary christian composer who has had a stab at producing Christmas songs. Not altogether succesfully but I guess points for effort . . .

KevT.
 

"morning is broken" is WONDERFUL! the fact that i fell madly in love for the very first time on my 16th birthday while listening to my love play it on guitar while on a church youth retreat has nothing to do with my feelings for it... nothing at all, i say!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by KevT:
Graham Kendrick, again:

Yes I think I'm fairly convinced by the argument that GK has done something for the worship scene, so I think I'd revise my condeming of his stuff to just everything he's done since about the "Makeway" march for Jesus stuff.

But again, in his defence, he is about the only contemporary christian composer who has had a stab at producing Christmas songs. Not altogether succesfully but I guess points for effort . . .

---

I hate to admit it, but there is no doubt that in his earlier phase GK did do a lot for "modern worship" songs. It isn't his fault that they have been flogged to death or that, some 20-25 years later they appear a bit tired.

I agree, though, that anything from Make Way on should be avoided.

And at least in comparison, he is light years ahead of the rest in the field. He did, for a time, manage to get some passable theology into music. Where is the theology (other than rotten) in "Down the ******* Mountain?"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by nicolemrw:
oh and moo, i regret to inform you that fr. greg is absolutly correct. "drop-kick me, jesus, through the goal-posts of life" is, sadly, a real song.

---

And one which has gained a certain amount of credibility through the wonderful Andy Kershaw (whose show is now on Radio 3 - Praise the Lord!). AK frequently refers to it (although I've never actually caught him playing it).
 

I'm sorry, but the God I worship isn't sadistic
 

quote:

---

fadethecat

If there's one song I would dearly love to see banished from all memory--or at least all Christian music concerts--forever, it's the once tolerable "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever". Okay, I'll grant that perhaps we could, but that doesn't mean we have to try. Some songs may drag on a bit, but that one is almost guaranteed to go into at least ten minutes. Of that one line. Over and over and over again. And they don't even bother doing the verse, the only tolerable part of the whole song, more than once.

---

I wasn't going to raise this again, because I've already listed it in TICTH, but I was provoked. Even allowing for the fact that the music is - IMHO - execrable throughout, the verse is EVEN WORSE than the chorus. I quote:

quote:

---

Over the mountains and the sea
Your river flows with love for me

---

What really gets on my nerves are choruses that make no sense:

quote:

---

Holiness unto Jesus
Holiness unto you Lord

---

quote:

---

Jesus, come and fill your lambs

---

Of course, after I see the words I may decide that ignorance was bliss.

Moo
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Moo:
Father Gregory

Are you sure that, "Jesus drop kick me through the goal posts of life" was a real song. I came across it in Berke Breathed's Bloom County, and I always assumed he made it up.

Moo

---

I'm afraid it is, indeed, a real song. I remember it being on the radio when I was a child, after some country-western star (Willie Nelson?) had recorded it.
 

if i did the link right.
 

quote:

---

Environmental songs from the 70’s … deep in my past I remember a hymn about the town and the country and buses, tractors etc and it did vaguely talk about the environment.

---

Aaaaaagh Tubbs!
What were you thinking of reminding me of that - the trauma - the trauma!

Primary school assembly in the 1970s! Ghastly attempts to make religion 'relevant'.

Approximate rendition:

Oh let us remember the joys of the town!
Gay cars and bright buses that go up and down!
Shop windows and playgrounds and swings in the park!
And streetlamps that twinkle in rows after dark

I don't remember the joys of the countryside - I think I've repressed them. Can anyone else remember?

Louise

PS Frin, I don't like 'Coffee Grounds' either. It's enough to drive you to exclusive psalmody
 

It wasn't quite as bad as I expected except for the line.

I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe.

Moo
 

Yes My Jesus My saviour might have been good but have you heard the rest. 'May our be filled with dancing' yes but not at three o clock in the morning when I am trying to get to sleep. I'm sorry but Darlene should have kept to being a secratery!

Also have you seen how may instruments they have in their band that is why most churches murder most of her songs. Also Darlene dear you clap with both your hands not your hand and your elbow! And try and get rid of the constaption before going on stage it is not nice to see you in pain/straining on stage.

Sorry I think they are totally crap at Hillsongs and should get a life. Thank you who ever started this thread.

<><marc
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karl:
I'd also like to commend What a friend we have in Jesus for the 'if only 'twere that simple' category.

---

Although it isn't nearly as bad as some of those already mentioned, I've always found "What a friend we have in Jesus" irritating for its "I told you so" quality.

Sieg
 

Oh no. Another Welsh person.
 

I think Living Lord needs to go into the heap. And "how sweet the name of jesus sounds" for the first verse. because it sure doesn't have that effect on me.
 

There really ought to be a branch of government, or the United Nations or something, that licenses the use of metaphor. You should have to take a test before you're allowed to use it.

Anybody notice how many songs quoted in this thread are intended for children? If there is anything that REALLY PISSES ME OFF, it's the way we patronize children. Dear God, no wonder so many of them leave the Church and turn into Buddhists and atheists and stuff. They're working off the karma of being made to sing, "I'll be a sunbeam for Jesus."

And finally, my "favorite" hymn of all time. I got slapped down earlier in this thread for defending a hymn with (putative) anti-semitic sentiments. The racist ones in this song are indefensible, and I have actually been in divine service when it was programmed as a legitimate song:

Remember all the people
Who live in far off lands,
In strange and lonely cities,
Or roam the desert sands,
Or farm the mountain pastures,
Or till the endless plains
Where children wade through rice-fields
And watch the camel trains.

Some work in sultry forests
Where apes swing to and fro,
Some fish in mighty rivers,
Some hunt across the snow.
Remember all God's children,
Who yet have never heard
The truth that comes from Jesus,
The glory of his word.

God bless the men and women
Who serve him oversea;
God raise up more to help them
To set the nations free,
Till all the distant people
In ev'ry foreign place
Shall understand his kingdom
And come into his grace.

If anyone is interested, the text was written by Percy Dearmer, a.k.a. "Saint Percy" on the Mystery Worship board.

We really have a lot to answer for when we get to heaven. If we get there. Maybe the Romans are right....

tomb
 

jesus wants me for a sunbeam, a sunbeam, a sunbeam
jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
to shine for him each day

i always thought that little sappy bit of slop was actually written by someone in my sunday school or something before they had us sing it. i remember distincly being embarrassed by it even though i was only about 6 at the time.
 

... until this evening's Corpus Christi mass, where we ended with the absolutely dire:

quote:

---

Sing it in the valleys Must be those welsh again.. (Ed)
Shout it from the mountain tops
Jesus came to save us
And his saving never stops Bank of Jesus Inc... (Ed once more)
He is King of Kings
And new life he brings
Sing it in the valleys,
Shout it from the mountain tops woa-oh,
Shout it from the mountain tops.

---

Truly, truly dire. Trite rhymes, appalling lack of theology.. and at least it was the exit hymn, so I could duck out as soon as Fr Philip had gone!
 

Mummy told me something/ a little girl should know/ it’s all about the Devil/and I’ve learnt to hate him so/ He fills you full of trouble if you let him in the room/he will never, ever leave you if your heart is filled with gloom

Chorus : So let the sun shine in/ face it with a grin/smile is never lose/and frown is never win/ so let the sunshine in/face it with a grin/ open up your heart and let the su-uuun shii-ine ii-ii-ii-in!

I forget to say my prayers /the devil’s filled with glee/but he feels so awful awkward* when he sees me on my knee/ so if you are in trouble and you never seem to win/just open up yopur heart and let the suuu-uun shii-ii-ne in

Chorus: …and so on

However, when battling with depression last year (especially as I started - with chemical help- winning) I found myself singing it constantly – proof that I had really lost it or what? In my defence, I have to say that it had a very catchy tune.

* I believe it may have been American in origin.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tubbs:
My bile towards a certain GK has nothing to do with being Welsh and everything to do with the fact that I think that a fairly good proportion of his songs are crap.

---

My bile is reserved for any Wesley, Newton etc on the same basis.
 

quote:

---

So let the sun shine in/ face it with a grin...

---

AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! Pebbles and Bam-Bam sang that on "The Flintstones!"

Yep, it's American (though I had managed to forget that till now).
 

But hey! Let's curse the devil and maybe he will flee....

Anybody have any songs/hymns they really like and aren't afraid to admit to?

C'mon! Open yourself up to ridicule! There are so many things you hate. Surely this is because your standards are high and there are things you really love.

Let's hear 'em:

tomb
 

If it wasn't for Colin Buchanan I'd go crazy. Mind you, some of the Vineyard stuff qualifies as infantile...
 

I start to reaslise the theological depth of Wayne Drain.
 

Now, is that enough to make a man eat his pants ?!

Tubbs
 

quote:

---

My tongue shall be the pen of a ready writer

---

The tune was dire, the verses were full of mixed metaphors, and to cap it all, it was supposed to be based on a psalm. Well, one of David's off-days then. The great advantage of being a Quaker is we don't have to sing: it's the denomination for the terminally off-key (except the bloke who used to sing "Something Inside So Strong" every time he came.)

By the way, from way back, Belisarius: Assonance is a legitamate form of rhyme in Welsh verse, and was used to great effect by Wilfred Owen.
 

I may never march in the infantry,
Ride with the cavalry, shoot with the artillery,
I may never zoom o'er the enemy,
For I'm in the Lord's army.
I'm in the Lord's army (Yes Sir!)
I'm in the Lord's army (Yes Sir!)
I may never march in the infantry,
Ride with the cavalry, shoot with the artillery,
I may never zoom o'er the enemy,
For I'm in the Lord's army.

The 'For' suggests that the main message of the song is a pacifist, military incompatible with Christianity one; but - the actions involve shooting everyone in sight .
 

And the line in Away in a Manger - "the baby awakes/ But little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes"
I'd be willing to bet he did cry - poor old Mary having to deal with it and listen to us sing about how silent he was 2000 years on.

I also used to sing an anthem which I mercifully forget, but which implied that Joseph was sleeping soundly, woke up and found his wife had happily and quietly delivered without even disturbing him. Hmmm.

Sorry - got a bit unseasonal there,

Jen
 

That was it!

The other day when discussing "trite shallow worship sessions I have been in and felt like leaving" with house group I was trying to remember the name of this song... years ago now when I was last at Spring Harvest this was the top choice in the Big Top and not only is the song itself pretty short on solid content (personally, and maybe it is just me, but I do like my songs to make more than a passing reference to God, Jesus etc and what he's done for us, that kind of thing), but...

what we actually ended up with was 15 minutes of "Teach me to dance, teach me to dance, teach me to dance, teach me to dance" ad infinitum, interspersed only with the occasional full length line "Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart".

Awful

Ian
 

Tubbs
 

Or how about Think of a World Without any Flowers. Another one to lift you up when you are feeling low. Not.

Moving on a couple of decades, there's always Martin Smith's

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other
Jesus, Jesus etc

This seems to combine sentiment, cringe-making sexual imagery, triteness, grammatical heresy and tiny subliminal hint of incest in about equal measures. Perfect.

BTW isn't Lord of The Dance by Sidney Carter not GK?
 

I cannot come to the banquet, don't bother me now
I have married a wife, I have bought me a cow

That in itself caused great hilarity, but the final line caused the greates guffaw -

Pray hold me excused, I cannot come

Imagine a bunch of teenagers singing that and expecting them to take it seriously! The song ended up getting banned by the youth group leader.
 

'I have bought me a wife, I have married a cow'.

Apart from anything else, it seemed to scan better like that. It was also much improved by being accompanied on the ukelele in a George Formby stylee.

On the subject of double entendres, does anyone else sing that song to the tune of 'John Brown's body' that has the line

'He has raised our fallen manhood and enthroned it in the heights'?

I'm always amazed that anyone sings it without smirking - maybe my heart needs purifying?
 

Sorry, but I just don't have the hand-lifting temperament - it extends to other areas as well as worship BTW eg family relationships - the feelings run deep but we tend to be undemonstrative. So I feel like a hypocrite when singing about something I would never practise.
 

SO I tracked the words down on the web, and it's made me rethink my entire theology. I though He was going to return on a cloud or summut, but it seems not.. And as for "salvation by grace" it's more "salvation by lamp and oil"

Do they get any worse than this? I doubt it.
 

Oh, one of these days around twelve o'clock
The whole wide world will reel and rock
The sinner will tremble and cry for pain
And the Lord will come in his aeroplane

Oh, you thirsty of every tribe
Get your ticket for an aeroplane ride
Jesus our Saviour is coming to reign
And take you to glory in his aeroplane

Oh, talk of rides in automobiles
Talk of fast times in motor wheels
We'll break all records as we upwards fly
For an aeroplane joy ride in the sky

You must get ready if you take this ride
Leave all your sins and humble your pride
Furnish a lamp both bright and clean
And a vessel of oil to run the machine

When our journey's over and we all sit down
At the marriage supper with a robe and crown
We'll blend our voices with a heavenly throng
And praise our Saviour as the years roll on
 

quote:

---

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other
Jesus, Jesus etc

---

Hope this works am using UBB code for the first time ever!

I really like that song although I admit that when sung by a woman it sounds extremelyperverted! Oh the shame! Am pondering other horrid hymns that I like - I have a soft spot for Lord of the Dance.

I'll get my coat.
Tubbs
 

My personal hitlist consists of just one at the moment! A modern-ish one... Brian Doerksen.

When I first sang this at a youth event - my youth group refused to join in. It is daft.
Complete BLEUGH making theology.

"More than oxygen, I need your love;
More than life-giving food
The hungry dream of.
More than an eloquent word
Depends on the tongue
More than a passionate song
Needs to be sung.

More than a word could ever say
More than a song could ever convey
I need you more than all of these things
Father, I need yo more.

More than magnet and steel
are drawn to unite
more than poets love words
to rhyme as they write
more than comforting warmth
of sun in spring
more than the eagle loves wind
under its wings

More htan a blazing fire
on a winter's night
more than tall ever greens
reach for the light
more than the pounding waves
long for the shore
more than these gifts you give
I love you more.

The author should try living without oxygen, adn perhaps that would cause some inspirations and hallucinations to provide better hymnody! Absolute rubbish!

 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qlib:

Chorus : So let the sun shine in/ face it with a grin/smile is never lose/and frown is never win/ so let the sunshine in/face it with a grin/ open up your heart and let the su-uuun shii-ine ii-ii-ii-in!

---

I LOVE this song!!! In fact, I've got two different recordings of it from *cough* Napster *cough*... one credited to Pebbles & BamBam (from the Flintstones--there was an episode Fred dreamed the kids became rock stars).

Now, that sunbeam song mentioned earlier, ugh! Ranks down there with:

Jesus loves the little chil-dren
All the children of the world
Red and yellow black and white
they are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

The only redeeming quality it has is that it is easily parodied:

Cthulhu loves the little chil-dren
all the children he can catch
Broiled blackened poached or mashed
they are tastiest when deep fried
Cthulhu loves the little children of the world.

Sieg
 

How about:

Somewhere in outer space
God has prepared a place
For those who trust him and obey-hey!
Jesus will come again
And though we don't know when
the countdown's getting lower every day.
10 and 9, 8 and 7, 6 and 5 and 4
call upon the Savior while you may!
3 and 2
coming through
the clouds in bright array
the countdowns getting lower every day!

As I recall, that one had visual aids of some sort with it.
As for the Infantry/cavalry song mentioned earlier in this thread, we sang it as "I may never...". It also had motions/actions to it. *shudder*

Sieg
 

How about....

I'm a jumper for the Lord
and a sweater for my God
cos I love to jump and sweat
and dance and sing (yee har!)
I'm a jumper for the Lord
and a sweater for my God
and I'm clothed in robes
of righteousness as well.

Chorus (last line particularly dear to my heart!)
I'm enthusiastic for my God
and that's the way to be
God has filled my life with joy
I'll praise him and be free
Jesus is my special friend
He means so much to me
I know that I will never be
a Christian misery.
 

quote:

---

Oh, one of these days around twelve o'clock
The whole wide world will reel and rock

---

I am interested to note we now have a time of day for the Last Judgement!
 

quote:

---

Oh, one of these days around twelve o'clock
The whole wide world will reel and rock
The sinner will tremble and cry for pain
And the Lord will come in his aeroplane

---

No, sorry, this has to be forgiven and released from hell coz it was used - sung by some wizened old woman - as the introduction to the awesome Joan Osborne's One Of Us.

quote:

---

Jenny said: Two that really get me:
"Still the greatest treasure remains for those who gladly choose you now" - always feels so "nur nur-nur nur nur, we get treasure" to me that I can't bear to sing it.

---

Well yes, I suppose so (though how many others can we think of with the smae attitude?).
But I've alway thought it's remarkable for being the only song of the kind ever to hint at the possibility of universalism. It suggest that while Christians will get the pick of the gold dubloons everyone will their share of treasure in the end.
 

quote:

---

Makes me feel like I'm in a scene from Benny Hill.....

---

The bit that makes me cringe in the actions for this song is the bit for 'running into it' (the strong tower). People pretending to 'run' by moving their bent arms backwards and forwards while standing still is pure sooooooooooooooooooooo embarassing.
 

This is all rather easy, isn't it? Slagging off worship songs because you don't like the music or because of their glib truisms and mixed meataphors.
But what's the alternative? Are there some great songs out there too that we should sing instead? If there are, I think everyone who's laid into the rubbish ones on this thread should be forced to name at least one song they love - or stand accused of being cowardly egg-throwers and made to walk round the block in their underwear.

Or if there aren't, what does that show us? That writing meaningful worship lyrics to good music is for more difficult than we give it credit for?
Or simply that to be honest we don't like worship very much?
 

quote:

---

I think everyone who's laid into the rubbish ones on this thread should be forced to name at least one song they love - or stand accused of being cowardly egg-throwers and made to walk round the block in their underwear.

---

Sorry, mate, you're in Hell.

If you want to be reasonable and balanced **** off to Heaven.

And take the songs you lerrve with you
 

Slagging off what cannot be done better - least of all by yourohsotalentedself - is not, I regret to inform you, the mark of a person of class and taste above the common herd.
It's the rather embarrassing behaviour of those who try to compensate for their own inadequacies by trying to look down on what is above them.

Am I getting the hang of it yet?
 

plus a personal note... i have a mentally handicapped brother. he's autistic, and quite incapable of understanding symbolism. my mothers church did that hymn once when he was there and he was quite impressed, to say the least. so much so that my poor mothers never heard the end of it.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arietty:
I am interested to note we now have a time of day for the Last Judgement!

---

What time zone?

Moo
 

1. repeating the line,
2. echoing part of the line,
3. agreeing with the men

(as if we couldn't think for ourselves.)

Unfortunately, they sound good with the different registers of voices.

Does this mean

• I'm (subconsciously) conditioned to accept the authority/agreement
• I shouldn't like this music on principle
• null
• I'm losing the thread of this arguement

Older hymns sung in parts don't seem to have this dichotomy.
 

The words began, "For thee, O dear, dear country, Mine eyes their vigil keep."

There is a chord in there which musicians can't believe the first time they play it. They hit the chord, then say, "No, that can't be right." They carefully check each note in the music and make sure that each finger is in the right place. Then they play the chord again, and say in an incredulous tone, "That is right."

This atrocity was perpetrated by T. Tertius Noble, who gave us many such fine effusions.
I think this was his best effort, though.

Moo
 

quote:

---

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other
Jesus, Jesus etc

---

We also ruined the song for a generation of young people, not that it needed us to ruin it!
 

My Much beloved Mother-inLaw has an old, old, hymnbook with lyrics along the lines of:

Little brown children, over the ocean, wait for us to tell them of love...
Do not worry, little brown children, nice, anglo-saxon protestant middle classed professionals are coming to put you right.

Can't remember the exact lyrics, will check next time I visit (But the "Do not worry little brown children" is a quote...)
 

I walk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in you

Every step I take
Is a step of faith
No weapon formed against me
Shall prosper

And very prayer I make
Is a prayer of faith
And if my God is for me
Tell me who can be against me

I hate it for its tune, its brainless triumphalism and the fact that it can be accompanied by an horrendous "strutting" dance - mincing, more like. O, and it goes on for ****ing hours too.

fs
*going for a lie down*
 

Making sandals as they are often made in Third World countries today can enhance our experience of our neighbors as well as of life in Jesus' times.

Like a home-made Gadget for God. Sort of.

fs
 

I accept that Scripture likens God's activity to a battle, but when you use such images, should we not try to avoid tunes like this, a hideous cross between 'Yes We Have No Bananas' and mid-70s Eurovision?

That ungrammatical line in another chorus that runs, 'It was for freedom that Christ has set us free...'

Anything by Graham 'Christian Phil Collins' Kendrick. Heck, someone tell the guy you won't go to hell just for using a simile other than 'like rivers' for something that flows...
 

Most people kept singing valiantly; which is all you can do with this one.
 

Sieg
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
Any hymn which is actually new lyrics set to a popular song!

---

That's everything by a Wesley gone to Hell again.
 

Snow was falling, snow on snow
Snow o-on snow
In the bleak midwinter
Lo-o-ong ago

Doesn't scan at all and is just a tad ethnocentric in setting the nativity in depths of the the English winter.

Happens to be one of my favourite carols but that doesn't make it right!
 

...oh dear.

Going back to Graham Kendrick, a few friends and I wrote new lyrics to a GK song (which I can remember every note of, but not a jot of the lyrics) which went:

Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song,
Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song,
You just make the words up as you go along,
Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song.

Graham leaves out all the crucial beats,
Graham leaves out all the crucial beats,
Just to give you time to clap and stamp your feet,
Graham leaves out all the crucial beats.

Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet,
Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet,
Even if noone knows quite which bit,
Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet,

etc.; these are a few sample verses - but you get the idea.

This was once played at a large Christian festival with a somewhat bemused pianist accompanying - a certain Mr. Kendrick. Oh dear, how embarrassing (for the ex-Yorkites if not for Graham).
 

It's been done by hundreds of people....
 

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus .... Jesus (repeat 3 times)
 

By the light of burning martyrs,
Christ, Thy bleeding feet we track
Toiling up new Calvaries ever
With the Cross that turns not back.

Wonderful stuff, I'm sure you'll agree - why it didn't make it into the new book, I can't imagine.

Back to everyone's favourite 'Bind us together', I know one youth group that had to be banned from singing it - they were rather too keen on the idea of bondage in church.

And why was "I vow to thee my country ever regarded as a hymn?

Cheers

DavidG
 

Turn, turn, turn or burn!

Turn, turn, turn or burn!

Thus Saith the Lord.

Actually a spoof a few of us made up during an idle moment at an SU Camp years ago, but there are still places it would go down a storm, I'm sure.
 

Within the churchyard side by side
Lie many narrow graves
And some have stones set over them
On some the green grass waves...

They don't write them like that any more.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by David:
That's everything by a Wesley gone to Hell again.

---

Sorry.. to clarify--Popular as in NOW popular (for example, as listed on that website, the one who's URL I can't remember now... )

Sieg
 

i can go as fast as i please as
long as i have my plastic jesus
sittin' up there on the dashboard of my car.
i can go a hundred miles an hour
long as i have the almighty power
sittin' up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
 

One that makes me curl up with embarrassment talks about Jesus as being my lamb and my bridegroom in the same line

The image that conjours up is... well, Welsh farmers tend to feature in it... not an image I find terribly helpful...

(That is to say, stereotypical Welsh farmers, before someone informs me he is a Welsh farmer.)
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
Sorry.. to clarify--Popular as in NOW popular (for example, as listed on that website, the one who's URL I can't remember now... )

Sieg

---

Reverse Chronological Snobbery.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by David:
Reverse Chronological Snobbery.

---

I just have a hard time keeping reverent thoughts singing a song set to, say, "Smells like teen spirit" when the lyrics of the original are what I'm thinking about.

Sieg
 

And all the middle-aged people would be bouncing up and down enthusiastically waving their hands in the air singing along, while the small number of teenagers in the congregation tried to pretend they were somewhere/someone else.
 

I'll confess my sin!!!

Some years ago, I was in band that had the honor of playing in a church for Bluegrass Sunday (I play String Bass in addition to keyboards).

Don't ask.

We had chosen a "relatively" tasteful program of early-American music, but we ran out of songs at Communion, so the mandolin player (I swear I'm not making this up), launched into a touching rendition of "The Tennessee Waltz."

For those of you of a European persuasion, here are the lyrics to the song, which, thank God, we didn't sing, but which many people knew:

I was waltzin'
with my darlin'
to the Tennessee Waltz
when an old friend I happened to meet.

I introduced him
to my sweetheart
and while they were dancin'
my friend stole my true love from me.

CHORUS:
I remember the night, and the Tennessee Waltz
and the old friend I happened to meet:
I introduced him to my sweetheart
And while they were dancin'
my friend stole my true love from me.

To this day, I wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat remembering that day. It is a testimony to Jesus' grace and protection that he kept God from striking us dead. Even now, people still remind me of the incident.

It's enough to make you turn Buddhist.

tomb
 

Have to disagree about 'think of a world without any flowers' but my nostalgia may be caused by the lovely recorder line set to it which I used to sing as a descant while forcing my friends to sing the tune. (Hey, I was an 8-year old pianist - you come over to my house to play, you have to sing.)
 

Oh Lord, but it's hard to be humbleWhen you're perfect in every way.....

just before the Prayer of Humble Access?

No, I've never heard this, but I should have.
 

Oh save us from th'eternal fire,
Hell is nigh but God is nigher

BarbaraG
 

quote:

---

Thanks are due to my RC ex-husband for this little snippet

---

Do you mean he wrote it ( which would obviously explain why he's your ex- ), or just that he drew your attention to it ( which could also explain it )?
 

Since I know some very scatalogical words to the latter tune, I'm glad I wasn't there!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Steve:
Do you mean he wrote it ( which would obviously explain why he's your ex- ), or just that he drew your attention to it ( which could also explain it )?

---

The latter.... but it does not explan why he's my ex. Do you think me so shallow?
I take that as a personal insult

Joke!!

BarbaraG
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gill H:
Sanctus/Benedictus (holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might) to 'Over the Sea to Skye'

---

I'd suggest this to my (anglican) parents... except that they'd think it was a good idea.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by BarbaraG:
The latter.... but it does not explan why he's my ex. Do you think me so shallow?
I take that as a personal insult

Joke!!

BarbaraG

---

No offence intended. Is bad musical taste sufficient grounds for divorce? Probable not.
 

A new day is dawning...when the children of promise/Shall flow together as one...

Makes me feel like turning to the person next to me and asking if they'd like a flower.
 

Ha ha hallelulia
Ho ho hosanna
He he he loves me ...

I can't remember the last line. I rather wish I couldn't remember any of the lines.
 

WHat amazes me is that people think these sorts of songs are funny/spiritual/worth singing. I mean ....
 

An army with banners?

I mean, terrible as an army with machine guns, yes, and army with tanks, certainly, but banners? What are they going to do - wave at you!?!

Honestly, I ask you!
 

A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya,
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya.
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya,
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-----leleuia.

Clap another hand, clap a hand next to ya,
Clap another hand, as we sing this song.
Clap another hand, clap a hand next to ya,
Clap another hand, as we sing, sing this song!

A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya,
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya.
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la-le-leui-ya,
A-la-la-la-la,a-la-la---leleuia.

et-bloody-cetera

Nobody can beat that.
 

He wrote some damned good stuff, did Anon., but some of it is real dross.
 

Some work in sultry forests/Where apes swing to and fro...

No mensh of David Attenborough, mind you.
 

It annoys me most when a traditional Scottish melody is used, and then all sence of the Scottishness of the music is beatten out of it. If you don't like Scottish music then use a different tune. Lots of Scottish music when it is played in strict time turns into a dirge.

Leave my culture's music alone, go find some other group's music to bastardise.

bb
 

Worries me that when I started this thread I CREATED A MONSTER!
 

Tha-an-k you Lord fo-or this fine day, x3
Right where we are.

Tha-an-k you Lord fo-or food to eat, x3
etc etc etc

Now then, for your enjoyment and delectation I present to you the winning song from a hymn singing festival.

The world was lost and lonely
and darkness filled the land;
you sent your Son, Lord Jesus,
To hold us by the hand.

And Jesus' hand forever,
Soothes all the pain away;
He salves the broken spirit,
Turns darkness into day.

O may we be like Jesus
And follow in His way
By holding out the hand of love
To all, in need, each day.

bb
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
I just have a hard time keeping reverent thoughts singing a song set to, say, "Smells like teen spirit" when the lyrics of the original are what I'm thinking about.

Sieg

---

The one that has that effect on me is the Christianized version of "Some Kind of Wonderful". The original is so blatantly ual that replacing "woman" with "Savior" just isn't enough to lead me to worship.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by brodavid:
The one that has that effect on me is the Christianized version of "Some Kind of Wonderful". The original is so blatantly ual that replacing "woman" with "Savior" just isn't enough to lead me to worship.

---

I have about had it with the auto-censoring of my posts! For pity's sake, what if we want to discuss what the Bible says about the male/female relationship!

I'm off to the "I Consign to Hell" thread.
 

And yes - I didn't realise that this censored words - it didn't remove one of my expletives in All Saints (Maddie did that), but removes words that begin with s. e. x.

Most odd. So we can't discuss songs that are blatantly sexual in nature.

But we can discuss mindless F**king.

It kind of sums up Christian worship music of a contemporary nature. We can be as blatant as we like (whispering jesus name over and over), but if we want to talk about something difficult it gets pushed to the back.

Love
Angel
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by brodavid:
I have about had it with the auto-censoring of my posts! For pity's sake, what if we want to discuss what the Bible says about the male/female relationship!

I'm off to the "I Consign to Hell" thread.

---

You chose to post this in Hell, so I don’t want to hear a single complaint about what I’m going to say. This will be the only time I will say this without flaming your ass right off the board.

Is there a thread about this in the Styx? I haven't seen it. If so, then point me to it. If not, then you might damn well better ask about such things before you go throwing around such an utterly IDIOTIC and INSULTING accusation. Considering that I've seen that word in several posts, including this very thread, it appears to be a USER problem to me.

Erin

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
 

A very very administrator.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Erin:
You chose to post this in Hell, so I don’t want to hear a single complaint about what I’m going to say. This will be the only time I will say this without flaming your ass right off the board.

Is there a thread about this in the Styx? I haven't seen it. If so, then point me to it. If not, then you might damn well better ask about such things before you go throwing around such an utterly IDIOTIC and INSULTING accusation. Considering that I've seen that word in several posts, including this very thread, it appears to be a USER problem to me.

Erin

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

---

The light has dawned, and I humbly apologise. As I have mentioned before, circumstances force me to use computers at the public library. The libraries in this system all have installed filter software, to prevent pervs from viewing porn while seated next to impressionable children. Best guess: Outgoing messages are also filtered.

I therefore apologize to the officers of this fine ship, and consign to Hell mindless filtering software that prevents serious discussion of adult topics.
 

A few years back one of the English counties had software installed on their library computers that screened 'naught words' like the word starting 's', ending in 'x' and having the second vowel nin the middle.

However, the software was just a bit too good at spotting 'sex' and so banned all the webpages belonging to Middlesex, Sussex, etc. This meant that people in the library could not look at their own counties webpages.

bb
 

Astro
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by nicolemrw:
ok, i know this is a bit off topic, but since everyone is talking about it... the little anecdotes related here are a small example of why most of the librarian world is against the imposition of manditory web filters on our public access computers. its really much easier to keep an eye on what the kids are looking at and snarl "thats inapropriate for the library" when its neccessary.

---

I've been dying to know for ages, and I'm sure other shipmates have as well. Do you wear your hair in a bun and wear glasses while at work?

Sieg
 

I love Jesus better than ice cream
and ice cream's very good (woobie doo doo)
I love Jesus better than ice cream
just like I know I should
Even when I dont obey him
and do all the things that I should
Jesus loves me better than ice cream
and ice cream's very good

OR, (and this is my favourite)

Aint it grand to be a Christian
aint it grand
Aint it grand to be a Christian aint it grand
On monday, tuesday, w'dsday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and AAALLLLLLLLLLL day Sunday
Aint it grand to be a Christian, aint it grand

OH, and just one more that I learned as a wee impressionable Church kid..

Jump up and down to say you love the lord
jump up and down to say you love the lord
jump up and down to say you love the lord
tell him you love him so
Oh lord i love you and i'll jump up and down to say i love you,tell you i love you so.

Funnil enough, in my Christian school, those who didnt have the energy to jump up and down (or in my case, were too tubby) were put on detention - hence one assembly full of heaving, jumping, puking kids. Ah yes, those were the days...
 

There is a fountain filled with blood,

Drawn from Immanuel's veins,

And sinners plunged beneath the flood,

Lose all their guilty stains.

As someone who has to look away during the operation bits of Animal Hospital, you can imagine how I react to that...
 

Jesus is dynamite
Don't mess with dynamite

Hello? Is it just me, or is this giving out the message that Jesus is best left well alone? And if so, what were we all doing in church?
 

I also remember it being really fashionable to take secular songs 'from the devil' and use them for 'the kingdom'. We used to sing 'Lord lift us up where we belong, where the eagles fly, on the mountains high, Lord lift us up where we belong, far from the world below up, where the spirit blows..' to the same music as 'LOVE lift us up..' And the bets one was the theme tune to 'Chariots of fire'. Some idiot made up new words and they went something like 'Come ride on my life Lord (WHAT??), Come ride on my life, Come ride on my life Lord, come ride on my life. And then, chorus..Forever and ever and ever and ever, Forever and Evvveeeerrrrr - and so on.
Bet you're wondering what sort of looney church i went to...
 

dmcv, i won't repete it, but check back on this thread for my personal take on that hymn.
 

In mitigation, m'lud, it's a long thread, and my client is a lazy git who has never quite embraced the Calvinist work ethic...
 

It got dropped pretty quickly when it was pointed out that the rose of Sharon referred to in Song of Songs is pretty much a weed - it is common and worthless and regarded as plain.
 

And did those feet in Ancient time.
Walk upon England's mountain green:

No.

And was the holy lamb of God,
On England's pleasant pastures seen!

No.

And did the Countenance Divine.
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

No.

And was Jerusalem builded here,
Among these dark Satanic Mills?

Most definitely not.

(Anyway, I can imagine the sky being clouded, but can't manage to stretch it to hills)
 

I also used to sing an old chorus "I will mae you fishers of men" which eventually transmogrified into "I will make you vicious old men"
 

Best include Michael Christ's "It's Your blood that cleanses me", the anonymous "Give thanks with a grateful heart" and others. But this thread is about bad ones.

I want to serve the purpose of God in my generation.
I want to serve the purpose of God while I am alive.
I want to live my life for something that'll last forever

etc etc.

(You sing "I want" 12 times; not "It is my duty and joy" to serve the purpose of God etc, but "I want")

Shine Jesus Shine (of course, a song that scores near the top of Songs of Praise's lists of most loved songs and near the top of its list of most hated songs).

And a wonderful song which is the only example I've encountered of a hymn about demons:

They have no power against us
Only what God allows
Their pride has brought them down to earth.
But our king and saviour
caused their downfall
He is the lamb, the Lord of all

etc

and the plain silly:

The nations are waiting for us
They're dying to hear rthe song we sing
The nations are waiting for us
Waiting for the gospel we will bring
That in each nation men may glorify the king

(maybe women will glorify queens)

Both of these last two songs go on to major on imagery of the church as an army - a horrendous analogy

It is hard to describe the musical vacuity of some of these songs in text.

Pt
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by David:
And did those feet in Ancient time.
Walk upon England's mountain green:

No.

And was the holy lamb of God,
On England's pleasant pastures seen!

No.

---

This bit made me laugh:

quote:

---

I also heard that the isp that Scunthorpe wanted to use would not let them use scunthorpe as their name because of letters 2 to 5.

---

I have filtering software on my home computer, and it does BIZARRE things!

If I end a sentence with a word that ends with "sh", then after hitting the return key, commence a sentence with "it", my wonderfully helpful filtering software assumes I am trying to trick it and pulls out the formatting and sticks the rude wird back together again - replacing the text with string of xxxx's.

Which of course draws the word to the attention of the little darlings.

It gives me the XXXXs...

Cheers,

Brenton
 

When we lived in Cairns (Australia) we used to sing this song about being as "white as snow" and "washed in the blood of the Lamb"

One day I mentioned to my wife that it sounded like an advertisement for detergent.

We laughed ourselves sick everytime we sang it after that!

Cheers,

Brenton
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Adrian:
"were you there when they crucified my lord?"

is that meant to be a rhetorical question?

---

actually this isn't supposed to be a rhetorical question. Christianity, having it's roots in judaism, seeks after placing yourself in the historic event in revered remembrance. it would be comparable to the seder meal of the passover for jews who are to place themselves in the exodus. it is to evoke emotions and feelings that puts one into the event vicariously if you will...
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by nicolemrw:
the lyrics to drop kick me jesus etc can be found here
if i did the link right.

---

Hey, guys. How dare you insult one of the best songs of all time. I have even written a specifically British version of it, for those of us who are here on the other side of the pond. To save you following the link - here are the original words-

DROPKICK ME JESUS (Paul Craft)

REFRAIN
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life
End over end, neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous up-rights
Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life.

Make me, Oh make me, Lord, more than I am
Make me a piece in Your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
I've got the will, Lord, if You got the toe.

REFRAIN

Bring on the brothers, who've gone on before
And all of the sisters, who've knocked on your door
All the departed, dear, loved ones of mine
Stick 'em up front in the offensive line.

REFRAIN

A lowley bench warmer I'm contented to be
Until the time when you have need of me
The flash on the big score board signs from on high
The big Super Bowl way up in the sky

REFRAIN (2x)

TAG: Yea! [Start refrain and fade.....]

And as I thought we Brits should not be outdone, I have written a more genteel version dedicated to a more civilised game:

REFRAIN
Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life
Right over mid-wicket and right out of sight
Way o'er yonder boundary `til fading light
Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life

Make me, Oh make me, Lord, more than I am
Make me a piece in Your master game plan
I'll show those heathen just where it's at
`cos I`ve got the balls Lord if you've got the bat

REFRAIN

Through the evil one's Tests in your team I'll stay
'til you reign on earth (or rain stops play)
I'm looking forward to what heaven affords
`cos the King of Glory's also Lord of Lords.

Etc. etc.

Apologies for the really terrible final pun.
Anybody got any additional verses they might like to add? Or perhaps a version based on darts, or mud-wrestling, or...
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by nicolemrw:
speaking of spoofs, theres the famous:

i can go as fast as i please as
long as i have my plastic jesus
sittin' up there on the dashboard of my car.
i can go a hundred miles an hour
long as i have the almighty power
sittin' up there with my pair of fuzzy dice

---

I don't think this is a spoof - I have heard this sung in New Mexico - but the words
I heard (and sing) were

I don't care if it rains or freezes,
cos I've got my plastic Jesus
sitting on the dashboard of my car

I don't care if it's dark and scarey
cos I've got my plastic Mary
sitting on the dashboard of my car

Again, I love this song so much, that I could not help from making up a few more (I sing these on the way to work to keep my spirits up)

Not sure whether to worship God or Mammon,
Don't worry just keep a plastic Pat Buchanan
Sitting on the dashboard of your car

I'll shout Praise the Lord when I meet my maker
cos I always keep my plastic Tammy Bakker
Legs akimbo on the dashboard of my car

He might believe in a load of twaddle
But I still keep my plastic Glen Hoddle
Managing the dashboard of my car

I sing his songs, and am then sick
but I still keep my plastic Graham Kendrick
Shining on the dashboard of my car

She looks like heaven but could lead to Hell
cos my life-size plastic blow-up Baptist-Belle
Obscures the view from the dashboard of my car

More verses please all you hearties.
 

quote:

---

Hymns are fifth-rate words set to sixth-rate music

---

Says it all, really.
 

quote:

---

And as I thought we Brits should not be outdone, I have written a more genteel version dedicated to a more civilised game:

REFRAIN
Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life

---

My dearest Debye,

With this one noble effort, you have managed to expunge what remaining anglophilia lurk in the depths of my soul.

I have been known to play bluegrass (I play string bass). I would dearly love to perform your noble offering, except nobody where I live would know what the hell we were singing about. Ah, the ephemerality of puns and parody.

tomb
 

Another verse to the Classic Plasic Jesus Song I've heard is:

I can go roamin', I can go ramblin'
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Sitting on the dashboard of my car...

I wonder how many verses there really are to this thing out there? Probably zillions!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by David:
I came across a delightful quote from C.S Lewis the other day.

quote: Hymns are fifth-rate words set to sixth-rate music

Says it all, really.

---

David, where, exactly, did you find this passage that you are quoting?

Book, chapter, and, if possible, edition and page number, please.

I think you are making this up. If you can't defend yourself, then it shall be broadswords at dawn (I shall have to borrow Wood's ginzu knife that he dribbles nastiness on, but nevermind).

If all this is true, then I am devastated. My hero has a tin ear.

(That doesn't make his sentiment any less full of kaka, but if this is true, then all that advice he gave that divorced woman in Connecticut is probably wrong, too.

I am (potentially) devastated.

Send in your proof, you Eucalyptus gnasher, you.

tomb
 

quote:

---

Book, chapter, and, if possible, edition and page number, please.

---

Ok then.

It's from "Answers to Questions on Christianity", first published as a pamphlet by the Electrical and Musical Industries Christian Fellowship (Hayes, Middlesex, 1944), and subsequently in Undeceptions(1971) and Timeless at Heart (1991).

I am reading from "Essay Collection & Other Short Pieces", HarperCollinsPublishers, 2000.

Page 328, if you want true precision.

Actually, it was a bit of a paraphrase: here's the relevant chunk of text in answer to the question "Is attendance at a place of worship or membership with a Christian community necessary to a Christian way of life?"

quote:

---

...If there is anything in the teaching of the New Testament which is in the nature of a command, it is that you are obliged to take the Sacrament, and you can't do that without going to church. I disliked very much their hymns, which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music.
[snip]
...I realised that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless, being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-sided boots in the opposite pew, and then you realise that you aren't fit to clean those boots

---

Your apology is accepted.

[typos]

[ 10 July 2001: Message edited by: David ]
 

quote:

---

I naturally loathe nearly all hymns; the face and life of the charwoman in the next pew who revels in them, teach me that good taste in poetry or music are not necessary to salvation.

---

Got this from The Quotable Lewis under the heading Hymns. The citation is from Letters of C. S. Lewis (7 December 1950), para. 2, page 224.

I think you're right about the tin ear. And please put the sword down. It's really rather scary, y'know.
 

How do you know it's not you with the tin ear, or at least simple tastes?
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by DebyeWaller:
[QB]Hey, guys. How dare you insult one of the best songs of all time. I have even written a specifically British version of it, for those of us who are here on the other side of the pond. [QB]

---

Of course, those of us dedicated to the great game of rugby need make fewer amendments - perhaps

let them run loose from the three-quarter line

The final 'Super Bowl' line can be amended to personal taste- - 'Arms Park' fits very well, I feel
 

When I went out shopping
I said a little prayer
Jesus, help me find a space
For you are everywhere.

Jesus found me a parking space
In a very convienient place
Sound the horn and praise Him!

(Scary thing is, she's taking the rip, but it sounds all too authentic...!)

caty
 

Buy Bold
It`s strong
And it washes whiter than Persil
Buy Bold
It`s strong
And it washes whiter than Persil
Is your washing clean? (No! No! No!)
Put it back in the machine
Washes whiter than white at a price that`s right
Buy Bold, buy Bold.

As far as other songs already mentioned go, I remember singing the aeroplane song in the school choir. I never thought it was anything but a parody, with a possible nod to the Cargo Cults. Over The Mountains And The Sea several people have mentioned, but no-one has yet spoken of the worst bit of all: the bridge.

Oh I feel like dancing
It`s foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance for joy like we`re dancing now..

This is usually sung while the whole congregation is standing stock still, and whether any of them feel like dancing or not.

Someone earlier mentioned that Jerusalem starts with four questions, the answr to each is "No". But that`s the point, isn`t it? He didn`t walk here, and Jerusalem wasn`t builded here. We have to build it ourselves (the point of the second verse).

A couple of gripes of my own:

I`m coming back to the heart of worship
And it`s all about you, all about you Jesus
I`m sorry Lord for the thing I`ve made it
When it`s all about you, all about you Jesus

If it`s all about Jesus, why are we singing about worship? (Actually, my feeling is that this is actually a very personal song written by a famous worship leader who realised he was on the wrong track, and to use it in congregational singing at all is to miss the point he was making.)

My last gripe is also my absolute favourite hymn of all time ever. Be Thou My Vision. My gripe is this: The song is sung to a tune called Slane. The words I learnt scan nicely. The words that most people sing, don`t. In the church where I am, I have to make a snap decision as to which syllables to stretch, and then lead the rest of the congregation strongly, because everything would fall apart completely if I didn`t. And yet no-one seems to care, or even realise that something is wrong!

Mind you, I think the worst sin of all as far as that tune is concerned is to try and make it "rocky" and upbeat, by changing it from 3/4 to 4/4! Aaaaaaaaaaaghh!
 

Well, one I truly despise is a line in ... okay, let me clarify, I am an American citizen (but I think more like a British one, and frankly a quite archaic one). This is a hymn you won't have -- lucky!!

I think this line is theologically just wrong.

In one of our national hymns -- which is to the tune of God Save the Queen and was apparently borrowed from it, with changed lyrics -- we find this ghastly gem:

Long may our land be bright
With freedom's holy light
Protect us by Thy might
Great God our King.

It's that "freedom's holy light" which gets me and I can't bear to sing that part. However wonderful our earthly freedoms are, they're not holy. Eyurgh.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil R.:
"Bind us together" (Oh please, get a life)

---

It just needs an accompanying song about flagellation and we're all set.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Ann:
"I Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral."

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quote:

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Actually, my feeling is that this is actually a very personal song written by a famous worship leader who realised he was on the wrong track, and to use it in congregational singing at all is to miss the point he was making.

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Indeed, Oriel, and a charitable interpretation of the 'I, I, I' orientation of so many modern worship songs might indeed be that they were written by intense singer/songwriters who don't know how to write for corporate worship.

Not quite a song or hymn, but anyone share my hate for the 'Footprints' poem celebrated in so many forms in so many Christian bookshops. The chuffing woman who wrote it actually was at a special meeting in our church a while back to acclamation that suggested she was a poetic titan to match Rabbie Burns, TS Eliot or Sylvia Plath.

COME ON!!!!!! Yes, God is always there and carries us through the hard times. But there are better ways to express that truth than through this soppy, trite, pompous taradiddle!

Unless, of course, you think differently...
 

quote:

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Originally posted by DMcV:
Not quite a song or hymn, but anyone share my hate for the 'Footprints' poem celebrated in so many forms in so many Christian bookshops.

---

A rare chance to use this 'smilie'

I think I liked 'Footprints' when I first saw it - when I was about eight. It now sets my teeth on edge just thinking about it: it appears everywhere and seems to meet the current need of a completely unchallenging approach to life. Some people love it, but I really can't stand the sight of it...

grrr

Calm down, get a coffee and breakfast...

Nope, not enough. Aaaagh! No arguments from me, DMcV.
 

I think I have a new entry for Room 101

Heheheheheheheheh
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oriel:

My last gripe is also my absolute favourite hymn of all time ever. Be Thou My Vision. My gripe is this: The song is sung to a tune called Slane. The words I learnt scan nicely. The words that most people sing, don`t. In the church where I am, I have to make a snap decision as to which syllables to stretch, and then lead the rest of the congregation strongly, because everything would fall apart completely if I didn`t. And yet no-one seems to care, or even realise that something is wrong!

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In my church we sing a slightly modified version which has the right number of syllables. I agree it is distracting if you are constantly having to think ahead about which syllables to elongate over two notes. E-mail or PM me if you would like a copy (I'm the music librarian so I have access to these things!).
 

Gods word shall never fail,
never fail
never fail.
Gods word shall never fail,
No, never fail.

I have a feeling I have missed something out ... but I think you get the idea..
What makes this truely remarkable are the actions that can be done.....
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhisiart:
A rare chance to use this 'smilie'

I think I liked 'Footprints' when I first saw it - when I was about eight. It now sets my teeth on edge just thinking about it: it appears everywhere and seems to meet the current need of a completely unchallenging approach to life. Some people love it, but I really can't stand the sight of it...

grrr

Calm down, get a coffee and breakfast...

Nope, not enough. Aaaagh! No arguments from me, DMcV.

---

A lot of the things that set my teeth on edge were not bad, or even very nice, the first time I met them.

The problem is that my environment has been saturated with them. The people who distribute stuff don't understand that anything which you have seen or heard a thousand times before will send you up a wall, even if you liked it the first time.

This is one of my main gripes against modern culture.

Moo
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ptarmigan:
I've just discovered gold in the attic - a tape entitled "Battle Cry" which is live worship from "Festival" - a jamboree in 1987 for certain strands of the UK House Church movement...
Pt

---

I could spill a lot of beans (check the credits)!!!

Graham Day
 

quote:

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In my church we sing a slightly modified version which has the right number of syllables.

---

Yes. What makes it worse is that the version that scans is the version I *originally learnt*, so it grates all the more simply on grounds of the "not the right words" phenomenon.

Scans:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought in the day and the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Does Not Scan:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day and by night
Waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Not to mention the fact that the unscanning version is full of verbless sentences (Thou my best thought, for example, and many others in subsequent verses, all of which are prefixed with "be" in the scanning version).
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Karl:
Hopefully frequent use will wear the damned thing off the tray....

---

Of course, an unusually abrasive cloth (e.g. wire wool) might accidentally remove it, or accidentally leaving the tray outside in the sun for the summer
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qlib:
At the great age of about 7 I really despised and hated this song : ...So let the sun shine in...
* I believe it may have been American in origin.

---

It was from The Flintstones.

I remember it, too. Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm sang it once.

Check the web -- I am sure a .wav file exists for this.

And run.

Run now.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by DMcV:
Turn, turn, turn or burn!

Turn, turn, turn or burn!

Turn, turn, turn or burn!

Thus Saith the Lord.

Actually a spoof a few of us made up during an idle moment at an SU Camp years ago, but there are still places it would go down a storm, I'm sure.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
I just have a hard time keeping reverent thoughts singing a song set to, say, "Smells like teen spirit" when the lyrics of the original are what I'm thinking about.

---

One favorite parody of mine is Monty Python's All Things Dull and Ugly which if no one else has posted (embarrassment! I posted the Flintstones info and someone else already had, I found out ONE POST LATER...) then I might.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by DMcV:
A cringy chorus often wrung out in our church that has a line thus:

A new day is dawning...when the children of promise/Shall flow together as one...

Makes me feel like turning to the person next to me and asking if they'd like a flower.

---

Or if this is some mishap of genetic engineering.

 

All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot

Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings

All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all

Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid
Who made the spiky urchin? Who made the shark? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all

 

Copyright Test: Herbert Brokering 1926; Tune David Johnson.

"Loud boiling test tubes"!?
 

If this has not spread to the UK, it means "What Would Jesus Do?"

I find it almost completely useless as a guide to life. I usually find myself imagining Him doing something supernatural in whatever the situation is (healing the sick, etc.). Obviously He would not do something clearly sinful, but for the minutiae of life, which is what really distracts me and trips me up, I often find myself caught between two apparent goods rather than a good and an obvious bad.

Add to that, that I always imagine a web site: www.jd? (I hope it ends in an .org and not in a .com. Brrr.)

Over here it's been plastered on every possible surface (well, okay, not condoms*) for some time. Often worn by teens.

*(so far as I know...)
 

I saw a fellow youth leader in my church wearing a WWJD loop from which dangled her whistle. I almost burst out laughing, as I mentally substitued WWJD for WWCS.

bb
 

And I have seen one of the CU lads proudly sporting WWJD boxer shorts! (elastic visible over waistband) I was in stitches, trying not to laugh as he talked about his commitment to his girlfriend..... WWCS indeed!

(Who I know is getting really, really frustrated)
 

*********************************************

Jesus loves me, I'm so glad,
Never tells me I've been bad.
He's my mascot, he's my pet,
Everything I want I get.
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes Jesus loves me,
He loves me more than you.

*********************************************

Moo
 

But of course I now have a list of comments to make, in no particular order.

"Lord of the Dance" is a set of silly '70s words set to a venerable Shaker hymn "Simple Gifts".
Tis a gift to be simple,
tis a gift to be free,
tis a gift to come down where you ought to be...

The last of the Shakers are here in New England, and about a year ago a CD was released which recorded the few remaining Shaker ladies singing their hymns for and with a small professional group. It will blow that horrible "Lord of the Dance" right out of your memory.

Gill H -- thank you for the "It's Pants"! I will add it to my mental distractions while singing with my Baptist friends. It didn't take me long to recognize it, despite the lack of music. And I have always been irritated by it, because they sing it without written notation and therefore I'm still not sure exactly how it goes.

"Morning has Broken" is a Cat Stevens song from the '70s; I always thought he wrote it, but perhaps not. As a folk/pop song, I like it, but it is definitely NOT a congregational hymn (especially with organ), and it irritates me no end as part of a church service. (It's the contemporary version of How Great Thou Art).

Paulalizzie, the theme from Chariots of Fire IS a hymn, the one with the words from Blake which someone negated here. I happen to LOVE "Jerusalem", but have already had to concede to the RC locals that it isn't an acceptable hymn due to the words. I did get to sing it once for a wedding because it was the favorite hymn of the Scottish groom's mother.
 

quote:

---

Not to mention the fact that the unscanning version is full of verbless sentences (Thou my best thought, for example, and many others in subsequent verses, all of which are prefixed with "be" in the scanning version).

---

The objection to scansion holds better ground than the objection to grammar.

Cat Stevens didn't write Morning has broken - unless he was also called Eleanor Farjeon and died in 1965.

And as for the Tea-Tray. I suggest, dear Alaric, that you take up decoupage experimentally just once. Try it out on the tea tray (badly). Give up decoupage and bin your effort at it.

Problem sorted.

'frin
 

Just back last week from an SU Camp where several kids bought WWJD bracelets from the bookstall. Not sure they knew what the initials meant and I certainly didn't tell them.
 

Cracks me up, and I love the thought of hopping along a beach with Jesus!
 

quote:

---

A while ago on the Ship we had alternative versions of Footprints, and someone came up with the last line '... it was then that we were hopping'.

---

LOL!

Oh dear, Gill, if anyone refers to Footprints in a future housegroup or prayer meeting I'll have a spluttery outburst of hysterical laughter to explain.

Thanks a lot!
 

"And then I saw 4,000 sets of footprints, and I asked the Lord 'Was that when we were surrounded by the heavenly host?' and he said, 'No. That's when we were run over by a herd of migrating wilderbeest."
 

Do you think the rev. might still have a copy?

bb
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Siegfried:
[qb]I just have a hard time keeping reverent thoughts singing a song set to, say, "Smells like teen spirit" when the lyrics of the original are what I'm thinking about.

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Actually, Tori Amos has done a cover of it--and in her version, you can actually understand the lyrics. And they are rather deep, surprisingly. Gave me a greater appreciation for Kurt Cobain's talent. Although his taste in women left much to be desired.

Sieg
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by babybear:
This version must be reconstructed!

Do you think the rev. might still have a copy?

bb

---

We have it on tape somewhere (surveying mess that is this room *shudder*). I'll look it out for you when I return.

'frin
 

I once remember, at a charismatic convention about 24 years ago, a group of young people singing this repetitive "God's not dead - he's still alive - he's living in my hands, living in my feet, living in my whole body." Quite odd theology, that! It was horrible.

Then, during the same era, there was vast trouble with misplaced modifiers. One godawful favourite contained the lines: "
Every night before I sleep, I pray my soul to take. Or else I pray that loneliness is gone when I awake." Though I'd never deny that loneliness can be a horrid pain, I doubt many of us would ask God to have us die tonight if we'll be lonely tomorrow.

I must admit that, on the one occasion when I heard "There is a Fountain filled with Blood," I could not finish my lunch for two days...
 

May I, as a former musician, add a general peeve? I loathe when anyone sings chant at a dragging pace! Gregorian chant, for example, was never meant to be slow, yet those who destroy it in this way think they are being "reverent."

Anyone who thinks there was no penance in the 1960s never sat through those endless choruses of Kumbaya.

I have no idea how any Pope became involved with prohibiting use of a hymn written in English (most "traditional" RC hymns popular in my childhood sound like Come Back to Erin Mavaurneen), but there was one case when that was so. It was a soppy, sentimental, dreadful hymn entitled "Good Night, Sweet Jesus."

Trouble was, the congregations always had some members who thought it was the best. In one parish where I served, people asked me when we were going to sing it. I refrained from saying "Over my dead body!" only because I feared it would be played at my funeral.

It loses much without the horrid tune, but begins:
Good-night, sweet Jesus,
Guard us in sleep,
Our souls and bodies in thy love keep.
Waking or sleeping (presumably us, not him), keep us in sight,
Dear gentle Saviour, good-night, good-night.

Is anyone out there Roman-grown and 40+? Cringe along with me at memories of "Little White Guest!"

Cheers,
Elizabeth
 

(I thought at first they were advertising an all-nude version of Singin' in the Rain...)
 

"Holy Jesus may I be
Dead and buried here with Thee"

and somewhere else in the verses was
"O what awful worms we be."
 

i'm an overcomer
victorious in jesus
filled up with god's power
devil
i'm gonna fight with all god's given

get out of my way
cos i'm comin through
and nothing you do
is gonna stop me, stop me, stop me

the thing is you have to imagine the last line with a youth pastor doing his best imitation of diana ross and the supremes doing "stop in the name of love" i just couldn't keep a straight face.

only 51 to go now!

the shufti man!
 

Using the tunes of popular songs, with new words composed by a religious education team, couple about to be married, etc., regretfully was common. I remember, for example, someone who used Bob Dylan's tune "Blowing in the Wind" - words were things such as "How many times must their blood be shed, before they know that it's Mine? The answer, my friend, is in the hearts of men, the answer is living in all men."

One nun that I knew, who was definitely not the type to do this in order to be funny, had "I Know I'll Never Find Another You" at her profession ceremony. Only one word of the original was changed - "if I should lose your love, dear" was changed to "love, Lord."

I'd love to relate some of the oddities I saw at weddings (especially those choreographed so that various, totally inappropriate popular songs were sung as various members of the families were ushered to their seats - somehow, "Sunrise, Sunset" always was one of them) and funerals (Come Back to Erin Mavaurneen was bad, but Up a Lazy River, the deceased's favourite song, probably the worst), but I've been all too wordy already...
 

Father, I adore you
lay my life before you
how I love you.

Jesus, I adore you
lay my life before you
how I love you.

Spirit, I adore you
lay my life before you
how I love you.

We once sang this in our church and the fellow leading it added two verses, beginning "brother" and then "sister." I cringed at using the word "adore" (worship, pray to) in that context.
 

On the subject of 60s and early 70s penance - Kumbayah's complement: 'Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham'.
 

'Bind us together' is trooly a naff song but it makes me laff because you can add 'with jam' at the end which saves it from being too gruesome.
Also:
'This world is not my home
I'm just a-passing through
If heaven's not my home
Then Lord what will I do?'

Quickly ended with 'The hell will have to do', which has a certain pragmatic approach...
=
Unfortunately most of the ones I really hate have been taken :| but I have been warmed greatly by this thread. I thought I was alone in my hatred of all songs bad and terrible.
 

For a short time, infrequently yet more than once, I had some couple's who were planning a wedding ceremony ask for "Where is Love?" from "Oliver!" Aside from its not being in the category of great music, I could not fathom how anyone who'd listened to the words would not find them an extremely depressing accompaniment for a joyous occasion. (Even if they did not know Oliver was singing of his mother!) A couple who wants to hear "Every night I kneel and pray - let tomorrow be the day - when I see the face of someone who I can mean something to" needs to spend a little more time thinking this over...

I remember, as well, certain popular hymns of the era(mental block on names and authors, I suppose) which were adaptations of scriptural passages... totally unsuited for wedding ceremonies, but requested often enough. (Pastors, then, always took the side of the couples.) More than once, an adaptation of a passage from Hosea was considered "just perfect" because of "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life." (Attempts to explain the passage, and the state of Hosea's bride, tended to be fruitless, even, as was unlikely, if I left out how Hosea's wife was Israel.) And one far-too-earnest couple would not accept that "Wherever you go I shall go" referred to Ruth and Naiomi.

Someone get me another round of gin...
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by GeoffH:
We had "make of our hearts one heart" from West Side Story. Lovely words, smashing tune. (goes all soppy)

---

Oh, heavens, how many times I sang that one! ... I suppose it can be tolerated, but absolutely draw the line at "Tonight."

Nor do I ever again want to sing anything that begins with "He is now to be among you, at the calling of your heart...." Dreadful! And everyone seemed to want it for a time.

Then again, the single time when a pastor agreed with me at prohibiting a song was when one couple wanted to walk down the aisle to "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man."
 

quote:

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Originally posted by The Happy Coot:
My choir once sang at the funeral of person named 'Irene'. The coffin was carried out to: 'Goodnight Irene'. Argh!

On the subject of 60s and early 70s penance - Kumbayah's complement: 'Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham'.

---

You forgot "Turn, Turn, Turn," sung through the nose.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Happy Coot:
My choir once sang at the funeral of person named 'Irene'. The coffin was carried out to: 'Goodnight Irene'. Argh!

On the subject of 60s and early 70s penance - Kumbayah's complement: 'Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham'.

---

You forgot "Turn, Turn, Turn," sung through the nose.

...Reminds me of a time when a novice mistress whom I knew thought that John Denver's "Poems, Prayers, and Promises" (which I'd never heard before she mentioned it to me, and thank heavens I did then) would be wonderful for reception day. "Lie there by the fire, and watch the evening tire, while all my friends and my old lady sit and pass the pipe around..."

One of the more difficult tasks in my life has been explaining to one so innocent what it meant to pass the pipe around, still saving my uncontrollable laughter for later.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by jlg:
I suppose we need to be careful, Newman's Own, because anyone who has been involved with church music has lots of horror stories.
But I think I can beat Up the Lazy River. I sang a funeral once where they played "Tumblin' Tumbleweed" (using a cheap little boombox and a home-recorded cassette tape). This was done as a "meditation" after a cowboy hat and piece of tack were placed on the coffin in lieu of a crucifix.

---

One of my first experiences with "themed funerals" was accompanying a tenor soloist during the funeral of a retired railroad engineer. He was sung out to a song entitled "God's Railroad." I have blessedly forgotten most of the words and all of the tune, but I have burned into my memory the last two lines of the chorus: "Keep your hand upon the throttle / and your eye upon the rail."

[spelling fixed]

[ 23 July 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

This does not strictly have to do with music, but it is too good a funeral story to waste. (I got it secondhand, but from a reliable source.) It was a funeral for an elderly man who was of Chippewa Indian ancestry, and also an alcoholic. Technically an RC service, it incorporated various Indian customs.

Finally, everyone in attendance was given a paper cup filled with whiskey. The coffin was placed in the grave, the priest then raised a toast to the deceased, everyone drank the whiskey, then threw the used paper cups into the grave.

[spelling fixed]

[ 23 July 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

??????

In October I'm playing for the wedding of an Elvis impersonator. I know he wants to sing during the service - wonder what?

Anyone want to MW the service?!
 

On the great day, the couple walked up the aisle to "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding through the glen"
 

Here meets them now the worm that gnaws
And plucks their bowels out
The pit too on them shuts her jaws
This dreadful is, no doubt.'

CF Alexander, author of 'Once in Royal' and 'There is a Green Hill' also penned these less well known lines, concerning the joys of Sunday morning worship. She conducts a psalm of ascents going to the house of the Lord, climaxing when going through the graveyard with 'They cannot rise and come to church with us, for they are dead.'

But it still beats 'I want to serve the purpose of God in my generation'.
 

One day as she prayed and looked up to the skies
A vision of splendour delightes her eyes

and later on

As slowly the vision disappeared from her sight
She remembered what it looked like both length breadth and height

Can anyone really improve on that?
 

Or "A new commandment" sung at snails pace by cathedral choir and congregation? (I suspect it was a deliberate protest on the part of the organist...)

Or "God save the Queen" accompanied by the organ (all stops out) vying with bagpipes playing something very different as the recessional? Quite an ear splitting experience...
 

"King of Kings and Lord of Lords"
Bad enough on its own, in my opinion, but when one of the singers came down the aisle clapping and encouraging us to do [in an Anglican church mind you!] so I just wanted to be taken up to heaven Elijah style.

"Bind us together"

"Father, I adore you..."
Sorry to the person who said "Good" to this; at each verse it got slower and slower until it took 10+ seconds per line.

Favourite? I'll be safe and go for "And Can It Be?" and "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" [though I prefer it in German. ]
 

quote:

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I cannot come to the banquet, don't bother me now
I have married a wife, I have bought me a cow

---

Oops...I forgot to comment on that! Remembering this had me attempting to stifle laughter very unsuccessfully at work. Many stares.

As recent as a few years ago, my sister was belting out this song every day. I couldn't believe it then, and can't now. [Though if kicking oneself through goalposts if out there???]. She also sings a chorus about God giving wings...I do not know the rest: it could be quite good. All I know is, "God gives wings...God gives wings..."
 

Letherebe glory and honour and power,
Glory and honour to Jeeee-sus.
Glorrr-y, Hooo-nour
Glory and Honour to Him.

What is it, where's it from and is there any way of stopping it?
 

Let there be glory and honour and praises,
Glory and honour to Jesus,
Glory, honour, glory and honour to Him.
(2nd part)
Glory, glory and honour to Jesus,
Glory, honour, glory and honour to Him.
(1st and 2nd parts)
Keep your light shining brightly
As the darkness covers the earth;
For a people that walk in darkness,
They shall see, they shall see a great light.

Now it's your fault if I get this singing round my head all day - battling with MXChart is difficult enough as it is!
 

Not quite on the same level as the Great Canon of St Andrew of Crete, I fear.
 

Love crucified a rose

What would Love do that for? What had the rose done?

And what about "Heavenly Father, we appreciate you"? Talk about damning with faint praise. Next we'll be singing, "Don't you just admire God?"

And all those hymns about God being on our side. It's like God sits up in heaven, sees a war or a football match or something going on, and decides whose side to take. ("Hmm. Arsenal hasn't beaten this team all year. We're rooting for Arsenal. Always stick up for the underdog, that's what We say.")

And now for something completely different. Being, like Fr. Gregory, of the Orthodox persuasion, we have a few clunkers ourselves. He was too modest to post any, but I shall. We have this just wretched song we sing on Christmas, that goes:

When Augustus ruled alone upon the earth
All the nations of the world were brought under one single rule

I HATE this one! No they weren't! I want to scream. What about China? What about the Aztecs? Sheeesh! One single rule my chotke!

Thanks. That feels much better!

Reader Alex
 

Oi Alex, don't knock Michael Card! (Love Crucified Arose - one word!). The guy writes intelligent lyrics and doesn't buy into the Nashville CCM hype, so I have a lot of time for him.
 

quote:

---

(Love Crucified Arose - one word!).

---

Is that like the one that goes "Gladly my cross eyed bear"?

Sorry, couldn't resist it
 

But when I first heard it, I heard the mondegreen. You must admit "Love crucified arose" isn't exactly the sort of locution one hears every day.

foolish and sinful,
Reader Alexis
 

Alex
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by mousethief:
Great stuff! I never really understood that Christian pop song (sometimes used as "special music") that went:

Love crucified a rose

What would Love do that for? What had the rose done?

---

I've heard "Up from the grave he arose" butchered similarly (and visualized a rather messy long-stemmed flower emerging from a gravy boat when some people sing that line... )

quote:

---

And what about "Heavenly Father, we appreciate you"? Talk about damning with faint praise. Next we'll be singing, "Don't you just admire God?"

---

Already done, at least satirically; I've seen an e-mail message circulating with hymn titles for the less-than-enthusiastic churchgoer, supposedly compiled and approved by "Bishop Luke W. Armm". Here are a few of them, off the top of my head:

• All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
  
• Be Thou My Hobby
  
• Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
  
• O for a Couple of Tongues to Sing

quote:

---

We have this just wretched song we sing on Christmas, that goes:

When Augustus ruled alone upon the earth
All the nations of the world were brought under one single rule

I HATE this one! No they weren't! I want to scream. What about China? What about the Aztecs? Sheeesh! One single rule my chotke!

---

The North Germanic peoples (I hesitate to call them "Norsemen" at that early a stage!) definitely weren't under Roman rule either.
 

quote:

---

The North Germanic peoples (I hesitate to call them "Norsemen" at that early a stage!) definitely weren't under Roman rule either

---

I'm sorry, Ingeborg; I just picked two examples off the top of my head. There were a boatload of peoples not under Roman rule.

Or am I allowed to apologize in Hell?

Wait; you were being pedantic. I know that's not allowed in Hell -- at least, that's what Pyx_e said in the "Back to Basics" thread.

Alex
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spike:
OK, so this is most likely an urban myth, but quite amusing anyway. A couple were getting married and asked the organist to play them out to the theme from "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves" as it was their favourite song. The organist said that it was unusual, but promised he would do so.

On the great day, the couple walked up the aisle to "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding through the glen"

---

Another story, which must come under the great apologies of our time, number 183, was at the funeral of Eddy Oakley, in Southwark crematorium. When the coffin was to be conveyed behind the curtains to be burnt, his widow had expressed the desire that the tune to "Every time we say goodbye..." should be played on the Organ. Unfortunately, the organist played "When smoke gets in your eyes..."
 

Feel it in my hands (clap clap)
Feel it in my feet (stamp stamp)
Feel it in my heart (boom boom)
Feel it in my soul (wheeeeeeee)
Feel it all over me

 

“every little cell in my body is happy, every little cell in my body is well.”

There’s also the Matt Redman song, containing the lyric ‘Oh I feel like dancing…’ which my church of 250 adults manage to sing without moving any muscles not required for singing!

He brought me to his banqueting table
He brought me to his banqueting table
He brought me to his banqueting table
And his banner
Over me
Is love
I am my beloved’s and He is mine (sexual overtones???????)
Yes I am my beloved’s and He is mine
Yes I am my beloved’s and He is mine
And his banner
Over me
Is love

He banner over me
His banner over you
His banner over us
Is love love love

('his banner... is the chorus and must be sung ad nauseam, and then a few more times!!!!)
 

Whether you’re 1
Or whether you’re 2
Or 3 or 4 or 5
6 or 7 or 8 or 9
It’s good to be alive! (however, if you’re 10….)
It really doesn’t matter how old you are,
Jesus loves you whoever you are.
Sha la la la la la la la la
Jesus loves us all
(wait for it…) Shooby dooby do
Sha la la la la la la la la
Jesus loves us all

Whether you’re big
Or whether you’re small
Or somewhere in between (see, size doesn’t matter…!)
First in the class
Or middle or last,
It’s all the same to him
It really doesn’t matter how clever you are,
Jesus loves you who ever you are
Sha la la la la la la la la
Jesus loves us all
Shooby dooby do
Sha la la la la la la la la
Jesus loves us all

(i'm gonna be sick)

viki
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:
...And his banner Over me Is love
(remaining inane lyrics to the song deleted)

---

This is a gesture song, too.
 

Anyone of my vintage, with memories of charismatic days, remember "The Dancing Heart"?

Oh, the Holy Ghost will set your feet a-dancin',
The Holy Ghost will fill you through and through,
The Holy Ghost will set your feet a-dancin',
and set your heart a-dancin' too.

Or how about this one?:
Joy is the flag flying high from the castle of my heart,
from the castle of my heart,
from the castle of my heart,
Joy is the flag flying high from the castle of my heart,
When the King is in residence there.

One of the major problems with such songs, of course, is that even when the words (or theology) were dreadful, and the music the type to make a classical singer shake her head, they were such catchy tunes. I know I'm going to be humming them all night just remembering.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:
And what about this one? I think it’s Kevin Prosch…not only crappy words, but the tune is up in the rafters somewhere!
all lines in verse are echoed by women)

He brought me to his banqueting table ....

---

Actually, that's a re-do/arrangement of an old American pentecostal song.

What could be worse: Take a bad song and through injudicious expansion raise the cringe factor several notches.

Sort of like a lot of sequal movies these days, a la The Sixth Sense, part two: "I see more dead people."

tomb
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gill H:
Oi Alex, don't knock Michael Card! (Love Crucified Arose - one word!). The guy writes intelligent lyrics and doesn't buy into the Nashville CCM hype, so I have a lot of time for him.

---

Indeed. Poema was a brilliant album. Love it.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:

He brought me to his banqueting table
He brought me to his banqueting table
He brought me to his banqueting table
And his banner
Over me
Is love
I am my beloved’s and He is mine (sexual overtones???????)

---

Indeed, from the song of songs. A literal translation would be:

"He took me into his wine cellar and we had sex."

Try singing that next sunday.
 

If you're black or if you're white
If you're fat or lean
God... loves... you...
If you're short or if you're tall
If you're in between
God... loves... you...
He loves you when you're happy
He loves you when you're sad
He loves you when you're feeling blue
He loves you when you're glad
No matter what you look like
No matter what you do
God... loves... you!

I mean here in the US we'd never hear "If you're fat or lean." The word "fat" would be considered too insulting, I think.
 

The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength

Chorus
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nicholas Parson:
Does anyone remember...

The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength

Chorus
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

---

Please tell me you've made that one up.
 

God loves you, and I love you and that's the way it should be,
Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump!
God loves you, and I love you and that's the way it should be,
Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump!

I could be happy and you could be happy, and that's the way it should be,
Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump!
I could be happy and you could be happy, and that's the way it should be,
Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump!

<slow>

I could be very sad, and you could be very sad, and that's not the way it should be,
Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump
I could be very sad, and you could be very sad, and that's not the way it should be,
Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump

Because ....

and repeat until the little darlings pass out.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
Please tell me you've made that one up.

---

I'm afraid he didn't Dyfrig. I had mercifully forgotten it but remember it all too well now. The tune is also delightfully vacuous, consisting of singing up and down arpeggios.

There were more verses:

If you want joy you can shout for it (*3)
The joy of the Lord is my strength

If you want joy you can jump for it (*3)
The joy of the Lord is my strength

etc

Another one I won't be able to get out of my mind I'm afraid. Made me laugh though. Thanks Nicholas!

Pt
 

Just when you thought the Church couldn't plumb the depths any further.....
 

I must be naive. A number of the songs mentioned on this thread I had heard years back, but thought they were the creation of the "singer."

I remember one fatuous but extremely catchy song I once heard a Confirmation class sing (this would have been c. 1978). Worse yet, they used the lyrics for "discussion," during which they discussed all of the "Trinitys" (for example, parents, siblings and themselves; teachers, classmates and themselves... yes, theology has advanced when one becomes a person of the Trinity.) I blessedly have forgotten most of it (and doubt anyone will beg for the rest), but here are snippets I remember:

I'm alive in Christ,
He's alive in me,
And that pretty well sums up my whole philosophy...

And he lives in you,
And he lives in me,
And the three of us together, that's community..

What a happy place this whole world would be
If we all could learn to live in peace and harmony,
What a very happy state we'd all be in,
We'd be alive in him.

I also vaguely remember hearing some little children sing a song about "And if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack.." (?)
 

The original translation of "Jesus lives" missed the point somewhat:

Jesus lives no longer now
Can thy terrors, Death, appal us?

Which rather suggests that the answer should be "Yes"!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Emily:
Slightly off-beat, but hey . . .

The original translation of "Jesus lives" missed the point somewhat:

Jesus lives no longer now
Can thy terrors, Death, appal us?

Which rather suggests that the answer should be "Yes"!

---

I thinnk you may have the punctuation wrong Emily. I think it would have been more like:

Jesus lives.
No longer now can thy terrors, Death, appal us.

The version in my hymn book (and I think it's a wonderful hymn; they can sing it at my funeral if they want) is (if I remember correctly):

Jesus lives. Thy terrors now can no more, Oh Death, appal us.

I agree though that as a hearer can only hear the metre and not the punctuation, the first version is sadly open to misinterpretation. Indeed as well as misinterpreting the second line, you might respond to the first line by asking "Why do you sing in other hymns that Jesus is still alive then?"

Pt
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sacredthree:
Whilst on kids sings <ahem>:

<slow>

I could be very sad, and you could be very sad, and that's not the way it should be,
Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump
I could be very sad, and you could be very sad, and that's not the way it should be,
Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump, Juuuump

---

Other than the jumping (which is annoying in itself), I see at least one other thing wrong with that song. It implies that sadness is morally wrong, that Christians should never feel anything other than "happiness at God's love" and that no other situation matters. Even the Bible doesn't imply that God expects THAT of his followers!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karl:
The 'if only 'twere so' Prize is up for grabs between these two classic lines:

my heart's one desire/is to be holy

and, of course,

and in His presence/our problems disappear

Further nominations?

---

Others have covered the "problems disappear" line in depth, so I'll stick with the other one. The idea that Christians should love nothing other than Jesus, desire nothing other than salvation or holiness is one of the reasons I de-converted. Never mind that earthly desires are not always for inherently evil things, or always intended to push God out of the way: "thou shalt have no other desire, period" is the theology those lyrics seem to encourage.
 

And the things of Earth shall grow strangely dim in the light of His etc.

Ugh. Always hated that. But as I've said elsewhere it was Christianity that taught me to love things in this world. I think Jesus illuminates the good things in His creation...
 

quote:

---

Joy is the flag flying high from the castle of my heart,
from the castle of my heart,
from the castle of my heart,
Joy is the flag flying high from the castle of my heart,
When the King is in residence there.

---

you missed the chorus out and you didn't write about totally inane and obvious actions....!!!

one that our vicar introduced about a week ago.....ready for this???

ho-o-o-ly spirit
ho-o-o-ly spirit
pour your power
pour your power
on me
on me
on me

ho-o-o-ly spirit
ho-o-o-ly spirit
send your fire
send your fire
pour your power
pour your power
on me
on me
on me

it goes on, ending with

ho-o-o-ly spirit
ho-o-o-ly spirit
bring revival (shake hands above head)
bring revival
set me free (mime fountain of water coming from your tummy, through your head)
set me free
guide my life (can't explain this one)
guide my life
talk to me (cup hands round mouth)
talk to me
bring your healing (right hand on left, at arms length???)
bring your healing
send your fire (flutter fingers down)
send your fire
pour your power (again, indescribable)
pour your power
on me
on me
on me!!!!!!

a theological masterpiece, combined with wonderful actions that will have you all cringing and hiding...ooops, i meant to say joining in!!!

and by the 4th/5th time through everyone is lost, and desperately trying to remember what comes next, because vicar insists we put service sheets down, 'in order to free up our hands'

on another note - ha ha ha ha ha song has to be a joke??? please tell me you made it up???

 

'Oh Lord we want to sing your praises
We want to praise your name every day
(Repeat)
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Haaaal-leeee-luuuu-jaaaah
Oh Lord we want to sing your praises' etc

Sing to the tune of 'La Bamba', while waving arms from side to side (if you really have to)

Or there's the fruit song (which I believe Ishmael was responsible for)

'I am the apple of God's eye
His banana over me is love
He oranges His angels to take care of me
As his blessings plum-met from above
I never have to play the gooseberry
Or feel like a lemon, no not me
For wherever this man-goes (can I get the inclusive language police onto this?)
A raspberry he never blows
I will praise Him on the tangerine
I will praise Him on the mandarin
(two more lines which have mercifully disappeared from my memory)

I've thankfully never heard this latter at my church, only on beach missions. So presumably it's the kind of thing that's going to attract non-Christians to the Church?

 

pyx_e, jlg - all is forgiven. Can I come to one of your latin servics?
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
What is this "moving hands around whilst singing" everyone's talking about? Is this a British thing or a Sunday school thing or a Protestant thing? I've not been in a regular service and encountered it...

---

I think I know the one you mean. People clap while moving their hands in all sorts of random direction. First time I saw it I thought they were trying to catch mosquitoes. No idea what it's about though so maybe someone can enlighten us.
 

Hand gestures, usually very strange, have been in vogue (only in certain places) in recent years. I have gathered that the gestures have no particular meaning in themselves.

Here is one that tops them all, though I doubt it will have its full impact "in print." The melody had a range of about three tones, and was repeated three or four times, each time in a slightly higher key. (I'm cringing at the memory, which of course is from the charismatic days. "Lift" apparently meant praise, but I kept picturing Romans nailing him to yet another cross..)

Lift Jesus higher,
Lift Jesus higher,
Lift him up for the world to see,
He said 'if I be lifted up from the world,
I'll call all men unto me.'

...or is that quite as bad as when a pentecostal congregation had everyone place tissue on their combs and "play" "When the Saints Go Marching In," while the musicians accompanied them with "percussion" (cooking pots, not drums!)
 

Congregation: Oh Lord we want to sing your praises
We want to praise your name every day

God: Then why don't you? I'm not stopping you!

Alex
 

Man, praying in a group: "Oh, Lord, we justwannajustwannajustwannajustwanna..."

Woman, pointing at man: "Someone do something! He's stuck!"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
I'm reminded of a Christian one-panel comic strip I saw once.

Man, praying in a group: "Oh, Lord, we justwannajustwannajustwannajustwanna..."

Woman, pointing at man: "Someone do something! He's stuck!"

---

We call those the "prayers of the just"

Alex
 

... but I'm sorry, we just can't. We've been living this lie long enough..."
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
Shirley, good Miss Murphy shall follow me...

---

Also

I will make you viscious old men
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tina:
Or there's the fruit song (which I believe Ishmael was responsible for)

'I am the apple of God's eye
His banana over me is love
He oranges His angels to take care of me
As his blessings plum-met from above
I never have to play the gooseberry
Or feel like a lemon, no not me
For wherever this man-goes (can I get the inclusive language police onto this?)
A raspberry he never blows
I will praise Him on the tangerine
I will praise Him on the mandarin
(two more lines which have mercifully disappeared from my memory)

---

well, if you're going to drag that one to the front of my memeory (gee thanks), then how about:

if jesus is de-vine
then we must be de branches
if jesus is de-vine
then we must be de branches
if jesus is de-vine
then we must be de branches
and bear fruit in de kingdom of god!

if jesus is de rock
den we must be a little boulder
if jesus is de rock
den we must be a little boulder
if jesus is de rock
den we must be a little boulder
and bear fruit in de kingdom of god!

if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
and bear fruit in de kingdom of god!

*shudder* i won't sleep for weeks now

viki
 

I'm glad I don't know a tune for it. It might stick in my mind.

Moo
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:
well, if you're going to drag that one to the front of my memeory (gee thanks), then how about:

if jesus is de-vine
then we must be de branches

---

*groan* Lousy pun, but at least Biblical and logical.

quote:

---

if jesus is de rock
den we must be a little boulder

---

Ummm, I get the feeling that doesn't scan...even if the lyricist did mean to play on "bolder" here, that "a little" feels clumsy (and illogical--boulders are HUGE!)

quote:

---

if jesus is de rock
den we must be a little boulder
and bear fruit in de kingdom of god!

---

Last time I checked, stones of any kind didn't bear fruit. Mixing metaphors just to squeeze in a pun STINKS!

quote:

---

if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
if jesus is de bread
is your name on de roll now?
and bear fruit in de kingdom of god!

*shudder* i won't sleep for weeks now

viki

---

Bad pun #3 (with a non-sequitur yet); I get the feeling that the lyricist had to meet a three-verse minimum and was scribbling this one when s/he ran dry.
 

at which point she'd wave her hands in agitation because rainbows don't shine.
 

Having said that, yon ploddy AOR ballady one that goes 'and Lord we want to thank you/for the works you've done in our lives...'

Euch
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ingeborg S. Nordén:
Bad pun #3 (with a non-sequitur yet); I get the feeling that the lyricist had to meet a three-verse minimum and was scribbling this one when s/he ran dry.

---

either that, or it was written in that wild-eyed, hair-pulling-out time, about 3am in the morning, when you have a deadline of 8am, and you've been drinking coffee since 3pm to try and get this damm thing written!!!!!!

or is it only me who ever hits that particular time of morning/day/night/unreality??

viki
 

On a very much earlier tack (I'm just catching up) I agree about the Deeply Wailing bit in 'Lo he comes', but like others, love the tune, so I wrote my one and only hymn in the form of new words to 'Helmsley', and got it published! YOu will find it in the hymnbook 'Praise' (oops, if you look it up you will know my identity).

Please don't be rude, however, about 'Will you come and follow me' from Iona. We sing it every year at our covenant renewal service and it's one of the few hymns that is honest about the cost of discipleship.

As for parodies, how about:

We are bored
We are bored
We have sung this sixteen times and we are bored.
Every song doth pall
We have sung them all
And we are very bored.

(If you didn't guess, sung to the tune of 'He is Lord').
 

Meanwhile on the subject of misheard lines, what about 'Make a swan, Lord' (think about it..).
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Last week I realised I could no longer sing 'Jesus, we enthrone you' (which I had never much liked anyway). It suddenly occurred to me to ask:What's all this about putting Jesus on the throne? Who are we to say we can 'raise God up' with our praise?

---

The idea wasn't so crazy to the writers of the psalms, or many other books of scripture:

"Yet thou art holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel" (Ps 22:3)

"O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together!" (Ps 34:3)

"O LORD, thou art my God; I will exalt thee" (Is 25:1)

"And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord" (Lk 1:46)

"The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him." (Ex 15:2)

"The LORD liveth; and blessed be my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted" (Ps 18:46)

"Exalt ye the LORD our God, and worship at his footstool; for he is holy" (Ps 99:5)

"Exalt the LORD our God, and worship at his holy hill; for the LORD our God is holy" (Ps 99:9)

Alex
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Esmeralda:
On a very much earlier tack (I'm just catching up) I agree about the Deeply Wailing bit in 'Lo he comes', but like others, love the tune, so I wrote my one and only hymn in the form of new words to 'Helmsley', and got it published! YOu will find it in the hymnbook 'Praise' (oops, if you look it up you will know my identity).

Please don't be rude, however, about 'Will you come and follow me' from Iona. We sing it every year at our covenant renewal service and it's one of the few hymns that is honest about the cost of discipleship.

---

*nods* After hearing the umpteenth "come" double entendre pointed out, it's no longer funny...besides, lustful thoughts in church are an even bigger sin than they would be elsewhere.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by DMcV:
...

Having said that, yon ploddy AOR ballady one that goes 'and Lord we want to thank you/for the works you've done in our lives...'

---

It goes as follows (if memory serves):

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise.
The city of our God, the holy place.
The joy of the whole earth.

Great is the Lord in whom we have the victory.
He aids as against the enemy.
We fall down on our knees;

and Lord we want to lift your name on high,
and Lord we want to thank you for the work you've done in our lives,
and Lord we trust in your unfailing love
for you alone are God eternal
throughout earth and heaven above.

I used to like this one, good tune, reasonable words for a subjective (rather than theological) spirituality, apart from:

"He aids us against the enemy"

which I dislike.

Pt
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kate Taylor:
Something that's been missed on these threads so far as I can see... what about names of chorus composers?? e.g. Mark Altrogge? Debbye Graafsma??? are these anagrams? Randy Speirs? am I the only one standing in church thinking "no way"?!

---

A classic in this sense must be "We give you glory" by Randy Scruggs, Jessy Dixon and John W. Thompson. Sounds like the names of a bluegrass abnd to me!

For any intreested the words go:

Lord of Lords, King of Kins,
Maker of heaven and earth and all good things,
We give You glory.
Lord Jehovah, Son of man,
Precious prince of peace, the great I Am,
We give you glory.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God,
Almighty in the hi - i - i - i - ighest.

etc

Another awful offering from the late 1980s is hard to convey in text as the tune is so punky, but hre goes:

God
hsntgvnus
a spirit of fear
btvluv
power
and a sound mind

God
hsntgvnus
a spirit of fear
btvluv
power
and a sound mind

Love for one another
Power to overcome
Overcome the enemy
Defeating him with a sound mind.

Repeat ad nauseam
(Actually once is already nauseam; I mean repeat beyond nausea).

Translation:
hsntgvnus = "has not given us" but sung as a single syllable
btvluv = "but of love", also sung as one syllable.

This masterpiece is copyright to Carl Laurens.

Note the song is more concenrned with the enemy and with our power than with God. Anyone who has heard the tune will quickly realise that the idea of a "sound mind" must be ironic.

There was also an awful pogo-type dance to this which doesn't bear even thinking about.

Pt
 

In heavenly armour we'll enter the land.
The battle belongs to the lord.
No weapon that's fashioned against us will stand.
The battle belongs to the Lord.
We'll sing glory, honour, power and strength to the Lord.
We'll sing glory, honour, power and strength to the Lord.

and 2 more verses in similar vein.

UK readers may remmeber a TV ad for a chocolate bar with raisins in which had an appalling ditty "It's amazing what raisins can do".

Well, believe it or not, (and I must apologize in advance to Dyfrig who seems to suffer more than most at these examples), we used to sing:

It's amazing what praising can do.
It's amazing what praising can do.
Join in and you'll see what it's baan and done for me.
It's amazing what praising can do.

Another theological masterpiece:

Let us praise his name with dancing,
and with the tambourine.
Let us praise his name with dancing,
make a joyful noise and sing.
Dance, dance, dance before the king.
Dance, dance, celebrate and sing.

Let us celebrate with dancing,
the King has set us free.
Let us celebrate with dancing,
rejoice in the victory.
Dance, dance, dance before the king.
Dance, dance, celebrate and sing.

We were of course all expected to bop during this, however English they may be. (I regard dancing as more natural for peoples of the hotter meditteranean countries. Only Morris dancing is at all normal for an Englishman). the leaders were of course largely exempt from this expectation but when necessary did a token evangelical shuffle, which consists of shifting the weight slightly from one foot to the other in a vaguely rhythmical fashion. I once tried to point out that the only dancing in the New Testamant led to the beheading of John the Baptist, but I'm afraid they weren't open to rational debate.

(Okay, maybe I had a hang up, but this wasn't the right form of therapy).

Pt

Pt
 

(Dave Fellingham)

We are in God's army.
We are in the army of the Lord.
yeah yeah yeah
We are in God's army.
Glory glory glory, the glory company.

The enemy's attacking, convinced he's gaining ground.
But the only voise that he can hear is the one he shouts around;
but we're not fooled by his lies, we know that he is wrong
we may be weak as soldiers but as an army we are strong.

We are in God's army ...

The enemy's regrouping as he tries another plan,
He can't pick off an army but he can pick out a man.
So we'll stay close together and we'll sing this battle song,
We may be weak as soldiers but as an army we are strong.

We are in God's army ...

The enemy's ralising that his future's looking poor.
Though he loves single combat, he's already lost the war.
United, not divided, together we belong,
we may be weak as soldiers but as an arnmy we are strong.

(Ian Smale)

When enemies come in by one way,
they'll flee from you by seven.
When you obey the Lord my friend,
He will open the heavens
and pour out

Showers of blessing
when you obey the Lord,
yes you'll have showers of blessing
when you obey the Lord

We need not live in poverty
prosperity will come in abundance.
Obedience destroys mediocrity.
all of the saints come and join us.
He's raining

Showers of blessing ...

You will be blessed in the city
You will be blessed in the country
The Lord will call you by His name
All of the people will see,
He's bringing

Showers of blessing ...

(Wayne Drain - can that be a real name?)

Note the triumphalistic and adversarial tone, and the tendency to "prosperity gospel" in the words.

P.S. We used to sing some wonderful, experientally based songs during that time too.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Esmeralda:
'I sing a song of the saints of God'

---

Oh. Sorry. Spasm of infantilism there.

As a child, my slyxdexia caused me to mis-read "There's a wideness in God's mercy" as "There's a wildness in God's mercy." Although my wife and I have quarreled over that, I persist in singing it that way, because I think my theology of the hymn is every bit as good as hers.

And finally,

Classrooms and labs
Loud boiling test-tubes
Sing to the Loooooooooord a new song!

On the rare occasions that we're singing this together and not me playing it, I love to make little sotto voce {plop} {gurgle gurgle glonk-glonk-glonk} noises, as sort of an onomatopoeic obbligato. Bothers the hell out of her, and it's always good for at least one jab in the ribs.

And playing it on the organ is one of the few times I've ever wished for a zymbelstern.
 

quote:

---

Terrible as an army with banners,

---

I was going to ask whats so terrifying about banners but thinking about it I've seen some horrific ones in my time.Best has to be the Ali G inspired one at our church telling children that God is wit them. Have actually had kids asking if its meant to be Ali G like.

Anyone read Adrian Plass book with Banner ripping seminars? Oh I'd be there.(on my more evil days)
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
Spasm of infantilism there. ...
... "There's a wildness in God's mercy." ...
[i]Loud boiling test-tubes

---

(1) Trying in vain to imagine tomb as an infantilist.

(2) Not like a tame Lion!

(3) oh I HATE that song! One of the sillier ones...
 

LOL.....King David must be rolling over in his grave...LOL
 

A song: "Thy Word", which to me contained an iffy last line for one of the verses:

Jesus be my guide, and hold me to your side
And I will love you to the end

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet...

I didn't like this business about do this for me Jesus, then I'll love you...at least that is how I read it. And the "end" was never just "end", it was a strained...

"eeeeeeee-nnnnnnnn-d"
(going up and down in pitch)

Argh!
 

In similar vein to the 'you can meet them at tea..' him, there is the one about missionaries with the line 'Some work in sultry forests/Where apes swing to and fro...' which always made me smile for some reason.

Esme - thanks for the words of that one. Can't say I have much affection for it - never heard such a version, but I'm sure there must be recordings of it sung by some Christian Barry Manilow with syrupy piano fills and glutinous orchestral backing...
 

The perils of typing to your own dictation.
 

I sing a song of the Saints of God
Patient and brave and true
Who toiled and fought and lived and died
For the Lord they loved and knew:

You can meet them in schools
or in trains
or at sea
in church
or in lanes
or in shops
or at tea. {nice big pause here so people can warble around on the pitch}

For the Saints of God are just folk like me
And I mean to be one, too.

+++

I, too, program that on All Saints along w/ Sine Nomine. Some things you just can't improve on.

I didn't know that William Alexander Percy was Walker Percy's uncle. Walker is one of my favorite writers. Learn sumpin' new every day.

And in "Earth and All Stars" no pistons, I'm afraid (that would be just too much fun), but there are "Engines and steel, loud pounding hammers." That's probably what you were thinking of.

[ 10 August 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

Loud squealing hamsters
Loud gnawing termites
Loud honking autos
Loud creaking floorboards
Loud beeping cell-phones
Loud shrieking babies
Loud throbbing heartbeats
Loud sizzling bacon
Loud protest marches
Loud humming PCs
Loud tabloid headlines
Loud tie-dye t-shirts

I have written some similar stuff myself for a laugh. I often wonder if some congregations would sing it, hands in the air:

I wanna be, wanna be
Filled with a feeling warm and fluffy
 

I'm too young to march with the infantry
ride with the cavalry
Shoot the artillery
I'm too young to [something that rhymes]
But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)

But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)
But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)
I'm too young to [something that rhymes]
But I'm in the Lord's Army!

*quietly pukes*
 

I find that song goes down a bomb ( by the way the missing line is 'I may never zoom o'er the enemy') with under 10s who have not yet mastered latin.
 

But there is a truly dreadful hymn I know about, which has escaped 15 pages' worth of posts. It really will make this thread Hellish!

But I need some lunch before posting it.

CR
 

1. Mr Cow, --- how do you --- say to the Lord, "I love You?" (repeat line)
Well, I stand around in the field all day,
and it gives me plenty of time to say,
"Moo, moo, moo."

2. Mr Sheep . . .
"Baa, baa, baa."

3. Mr Pig . . .
. . . I roll around in the mud . . .
"Oink, oink, oink."

4. Mr Duck . . .
. . . I swim around on the pond . . .
"Quack, quack, quack."

This has even less Christian sentiment than "I vow to thee my country," and the bit about Mr Cow is only acceptable when watching Jean-Paul Gaultier and Antione de Caunes on channel 4.

Now you can go to purgatory and start a thread about whether a Christian ought to watch that sort of programme in the first place .
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karl:
I have written some similar stuff myself for a laugh. I often wonder if some congregations would sing it, hands in the air:

I wanna be, wanna be
Filled with a feeling warm and fluffy

---

You never know...I saw a children's book of bedtime prayers titled Snuggles with God for sale online recently. Somehow that evokes images of a toddler holding the "cuddly Jesus" doll featured in the Gadgets for God section of this site!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:

This has even less Christian sentiment than "I vow to thee my country," and the bit about Mr Cow is only acceptable when watching Jean-Paul Gaultier and Antione de Caunes on channel 4.

---

Not being from the UK, I don't recognize the allusion--but I whole-heartedly agree that the biology in that song is just as bad as the theology. Adding some parenthetical lines about loving God to an animal-noise song doesn't make it Christian. If someone wants to write a children's song with both animal noises and a real Biblical message, he ought to stick with the Noah's Ark story and give it at least as many lines as the noises themselves. (And definitely no "Mr. Cow" on that ark, either!)
 

Late on Friday night on channel 4 there was often a programme called "Eurotrash," originally hosted by Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier, the latter wearing a skirt, with various very silly sketches about strange people doing strange things in countries outside the UK, usually with some sort of erotic or scatological bent. "Bent" meaning both "direction" and "distorted." When my daughter (then 17) asked a boyfriend what "Eurotrash" was about, he replied, quite correctly, "You don't want to know." AdC and J-PG had some paper animals called Pepe and Popo (giraffes) and MR COW (a cow!!!) which made regular appearances too.

CR
 

CR
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Ingeborg S Norden, not being from the UK, doesn't know what she is missing. She hasn't missed anything. I e-mailed her to explain, but thought for the benefit (benefit?????) of other non-channel-4-watching members, I ought to copy and paste the substance of the message.

---

Haven't gotten the e-mail yet, so thanks for explaining it here...or is gratitude permitted in Hell?

quote:

---

Late on Friday night on channel 4 there was often a programme called "Eurotrash," originally hosted by Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier, the latter wearing a skirt, with various very silly sketches about strange people doing strange things in countries outside the UK, usually with some sort of erotic or scatological bent.

---

Ewwwwww...if I am ever stuck in an English hotel room with no entertainment except a TV set, I'll know which program to avoid!

To return to the intended thread-topic, however...the "Father Abraham" children's song, with motions and all, would have to be on my Bottom Ten list. Sure, it mentions a Biblical character and exhorts people "so let's all praise the Lord". But since when do Christians, other than those in "Messianic Jewish" congregations, consider themselves Abraham's children? The "sons" reference could also cause problems for female singers ("I am one of them"...yeah right!).

On a lighter note (ahem), this parody of a Sunday-school classic has made the rounds among my pagan friends:

The B-I-B-L-E,
yes, that's the book for me
to prop the back door open with--
the B-I-B-L-E!
 

It's an idea whose l'chaim has come!

Ar ar ar...

Hmm. Actually, my foster dad (not Jewish himself, though he held Passover meals at his home from what he told me -- he and his wife were Unitarian Universalists, born and raised) sang a wonderful song I will repeat...

Ha-va ma-gi-la,
have two ma-gi-las,
have three ma-gi-las, they're very small...
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
Actually as I understand it, whether Jewish or Gentile by birth, Christians consider themselves children of Abraham by faith -- grafted in, as it were.

---

Point taken, although some sects don't hold with "replacement theology" or the "spiritual Israel" idea (emphasizing "there is neither Jew nor Greek in Christ" instead).

quote:

---

It's an idea whose l'chaim has come!

Ar ar ar...

---

Ohhhhh dear godddds...will have to pass that one on to my cyberbuddy who teaches Hebrew school.

quote:

---

Ha-va ma-gi-la,
have two ma-gi-las,
have three ma-gi-las, they're very small...

---

Errrr, that'd be "nagila" with an N; but sooner or later some joker was bound to parody that song (I've heard even Jews asking "what the heck does it mean?").

Back on topic, though: Ever notice all the Christmas carols which assume not only that Jesus was born on December 25 (unlikely, for reasons I won't discuss here)...but also that the weather in Bethlehem was cold (even snowy) at that time of year? Even when I was still Christian I'd sing those lyrics in church and think "Yeah, right--the weather in Judaea was just like the weather in England or the States! And what's with the shepherds? They wouldn't be watching flocks then, and certainly wouldn't have any newborn lambs [in the literal sense] to tend!"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Somebody mentioned "I vow to thee my country," many pages back and never quoted the full version, which was in the newspapers a couple of days ago, when Don Allister (I think the same Don Allister I was at College with) refused to use it at a wedding

---

ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

because he was just on radio two, on good morning sunday. and he described the song, quoting some of the lyrics from it, and said...

'this is quoted as having some of the worst lyrics ever!'

now, as we (as hell) were only introduced to this jazzy little number by father gregory, and no one else here had heard/remembered it until then....suddenly it comes out of the woodwork, on to radio 2?????

we're asked to believe don just knew it and *liked* it, and this occurred at the same time as hell was talking about it?

*looks of disbelief*

although it was very funny, so have my mum come through the door at some unearthly hour, shouting 'listen to this, isn't it that song you went on about?' and me struggling back from the depths of sleep to the archetypical country song (i can still remember it now, an hour later *shudder*) - twiddling guitars and easy-listening smooth voices, 'drop kick me jesus, through the goalposts of life. end over end, neither left nor .........

aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

viki (going quietly mad, rocking in the corner)
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
1. Mr Cow, --- how do you --- say to the Lord, "I love You?" (repeat line)
Well, I stand around in the field all day,
and it gives me plenty of time to say,
"Moo, moo, moo."

---

julia plaut is the name to put on your letter bomb

she also wrote some other beauties, like:

jesus is my friend,
and i'm a friend of jesus
jesus is my friend,
and i'm a friend of his.
i can talk to him anytime i like.
he's always listening, that's how i know that
jesus is my friend, and i'm a friend of his.

leaving aside the fact there is no scanning, no rhyme-scheme and no deep lyrics, unless you have an iq of less than 5!!!!

we got taught in psychology and philosophy, that this is a circular arguement, and one fact is based on another, which is based on the first. nothing is fundamentally supporting the reasoning, and it will all come crashing down (hopefully with julia plaut underneath???)

there's also a lovely song about a lil toddler who won't share his toys (smart kid) until some weirdo stranger comes knocking on the door. lil boy talks to said stranger, despite all the warnings his mother should have given him about 'don't talk to strangers'....

ok, this is me in a weird, evil mood because i have to leave hell and go to church 10 minutes ago....groan. will post lyrics when i get back.....

viki
 

It apparently topped the charts here in the 1940s, and an Aboriginal singer (all respect to him) was the star who made it with the song here. Pity is I can hear my Mum sending it up and really laughing hard about it...!!
 

quote:

---

The Church that seemed in slumber has now risen from its kness and the dry bones are responding with the fruit of new birth.

---

It takes a certain talent to be able to mix five metaphors in a single sentence.

In the "complete lack of tune category" my vote would go to the Prayer of st Francis ("Make me a Channel of Your Peace").
 

quote:

---

ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

---

As far as I know, nobody. Look up the websites I quoted a few postings back (yesterday, 11th August) and find the reference to the Times 9th August, which, if I remember correctly, has a photo of Don in.

Campbell
 

Went to heaven
Went to heaven
Went to heaven just now

[repeat the lines above a second time; the other verses I didn't quote have the same basic format]

The naughtier version has the newly dead child discovering that the gates of heaven are locked, trying to climb them, splitting his "britches", cursing, and going "the other way".
 

Save me.

'frin
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:
ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

because he was just on radio two, on good morning sunday. and he described the song, quoting some of the lyrics from it, and said...

---

ok, so the song i was talking about in 'Drop kick me Jesus....'

sorry i forgot to put that in (too early in the morning to be thinking straight). prolly post makes more sense now - would be really nice if an adminny-type-person could edit my post to add that in???

viki
 

quote:

---

Point taken, although some sects don't hold with "replacement theology" or the "spiritual Israel" idea

---

As a Mennonite and therefore pacifist, I thoroughly join in deprecating all the 'army' songs. But here FYI is some of the best 'army' one ever, by the ought-to-be-better-known Andrew Kreider, son of Alan and Ellie Kreider, founders of the only Menno congregation in Britain (see www.menno.org.uk for further...):

We are joining the army that sheds no blood
(rpt 3 times)
Make us one in your love, O Lord

(all right, so it's got 'make a swan'...)

It continues with:

We are building a city set on a hill;

We are scattered as salt upon the earth;

We will work for the kingdom in all our ways;

etc etc, and the tune is catchy without being maddening.

Is this all too nice for Hell?
 

"Oh you can't get to heaven (oh you can't get to Heaven)
In a motor car (in a motor car)
Cause a motor car (cause a motor car)
Can't drive that far (can't drive that far).

Repeat with a new selection of music.

Then do it with "biscuit tin":

Oh you can't get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cause the pearly gates
Won't let you in.
etc

Or with "roller skates" "washing machine" or any other electrical appliance. You get the idea.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
"Oh you can't get to heaven (oh you can't get to Heaven)

---

My family used to sing this in the car when we were going on hoilday. We also used to sing "the Quatermaster's Store".

bb
 

I doubt that this memory will have much impact without one's being able to hear the dreadful melody, which, for some unknown reason, always was horribly d-r-aaaa-ged out by the prayer group's members. Slow sing-song, the words to this gem (which had easily eight verses - substitute the words "love," "healing," and more for "peace") were as follows:

Peace is flowing like a river,
Flowing out to you and me,
Flowing out into the desert,
Setting all the captives free.

The last verse consisted entirely of the word "Alleluia," repeated endlessly. I shall confess that I truly meant "Alleluia" at that point... thank heavens, this dirge is nearly over.

Much as I hate to admit this, since it was a dear (vicar) friend's favourite hymn, I disliked "Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me" nearly as much.
 

Boring is the song x4
Repetitive is the song x4
Crummy is the song x4
Tiresome is the song x4

The tune bears a remarkable resemblance to that of a similar song entitled 'Worthy is the Lord' or something similar, and having a similar verse structure.
 

... on a boy scout's knee
cause a boy scout's knee is knobbly

... in a playtex bra
cause a playtex bra won't stretch that far

... in a bottle of gin
cause the Lord won't let no spirits in

... in a sardine tine
cause a sardine tin got sardines in

(and on church trips...)

... in the vicar's car
cause the vicar's car won't go that far

These were usually followed by rousing renditions of 'There were ten in the bed' and 'roll me over, lay me down and do it again'. Ah, memories.
 

Theological rubbish, of course, but it provided a definite frisson to the mind of a good Midwestern child.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gill H:
... in a bottle of gin
cause the Lord won't let no spirits in

---

Poor HT. He will not be a happy little Hooker to hear that.

bb
 

Hey Lord (Hey Lord)
Oh Lord (Oh Lord)
Hey Lord (Hey Lord)
You know what we need.

Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na na.

I think there was another verse, but I'd lost all hope by that point.

caty
 

I saw Lisa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Store, in the Store
I saw LIsa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Quartermaster's Store.
My eyes my dear, I cannot see
I [something something] half past three
I[ something something something] at
Half Past THree!

I might be wrong about the 1/2 past three business. But it is about 12 years since I sang it round a camp fire as a teenager.
 

There was cheese, cheese,
With kilts and hairy knees
In the store, in the store.
There was cheese, cheese,
With kilts and hairy knees
In the quarter master's store.

My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me,
I have not brought my specs with me!

c
 

My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me,
I have not brought my specs with me!

There was butter, butter,
running down the gutter.

There were cakes, cake,
but they were only fakes....

bb
 

Oh and then, there was the hideous song we all sang in 'grown up' church that went;

I keep falling in love with him
over and over and over and over again
I keep falling in love with im
over and over and over and over again
he gets sweeter and sweeter as the days go by
oh what a love between my God and I
I keep falling in love with him, over and over and over and over again

And if we had a truly vicious worship leader, they would make us keep repeating 'over and over and over and over and over and over and over aggaaain, I said over and over and over and over and over and over agai'.

What the hell was THAT about?
 

He made the point, however (and I am not saying I fully agree with him), that many choruses of the late '70s/early 80s were from a time when churches were rediscovering simple, childlike joy in worshipping God. So we have choruses with straightforward words about love, and about 'awakening' and that sort of thing. He doesn't think there was any harm in (most of) them: he does reckon many were appropriate from that era, and are not too suitable these days.

What do you think of his opinion?
 

Even on sunday morning at our Church, the worship leader struck up 'Celebrate Jesus Celebrate' (inward groan) - sure enough, an ok song but waaaaayyyy past its best and desperately oversung. Some Churches seem to have genuine aversion to moving with the times...
 

Song from Bobby Bare Greatest Hits, Bareworks Inc.
Words and music by Paul Craft.
CD, BWCD-040292
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
I’ve got the will, Lord if you’ve got the toe.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Take all the brothers who’ve gone on before
And all of the sisters who’ve knocked on your door
All the departed dear loved ones of mine
Stick’em up front in the offensive line.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Yeah, Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.
 

But not apparently the cold war Bluegrass classic:

Atomic Power
::::::::::::

by The Louvin Brothers

Do you fear this man's invention
That they call atomic power?
Are we all in great confusion
Do we know the time or hour?
When a terrible explosion
May rain down upon our land,
Leaving horrible destruction
Blotting out the works of man.

Are you, are you ready
For that great atomic power?
Will you rise and meet your savior in the air?
Will you shout or will you cry
When the fire rains from on high?
Are you ready for that great atomic power?

There is one way to escape
And be prepared to meet the Lord,
When the mushroom of destruction falls
There is a shielding sword.
He will surely stand beside you
And you'll never taste of death,
For your soul will fly to safety
In eternal peace and rest.

Are you, are you ready

For that great atomic power?
Will you rise and meet your savior in the air?
Will you shout or will you cry
When the fire rains from on high?
Are you ready for that great atomic power?

There's an army who can conquer
All the enemy's great band
It's the raging men of Christians
Guided by the Savior's hand
When the mushroom of destruction falls
In all its fury great
God will surely save his children
>From that awful, awful fate]
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
BB,
I saw Lisa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Store, in the Store
I saw LIsa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Quartermaster's Store.
.

---

There was jelly, jelly that rumbled in your ....stomach in the stores

My eyes are dim they cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me
(with emphasis and hanging onto evey note) I have not brought my specs with me
 

Tis "Belly".

bb
 

quote:

---

And for years, we sang the second verse as 'if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on his hat.'

---

I seem to remember that what he was to sit on was a tack, which sounds a lot more punitive. There were also verses with 'I've got that love' and 'I've got that peace that passes understanding', which was pretty hard to fit in.

As for the quartermasters' stores (not the 'quatermaster's', which sounds like an old horror film', there were also 'rats, rats, big as pussy cats'. And what about 'On top of spaghetti, all covered in cheese, I lost my poor meatball When somebody sneezed'? Ah, happy days in coaches coming back from school outings...

[edited to remove excess of blank quote tags]

[ 23 August 2001: Message edited by: frin ]
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by GeoffH:
There was jelly, jelly that rumbled in your ....stomach in the stores

My eyes are dim they cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me
(with emphasis and hanging onto evey note) I have not brought my specs with me

---

We used to sing in the corps, instead of in the stores.

The stanzas I remember started;

• It's beer, beer, beer, that makes you want to cheer
• It's wine, wine, wine, that makes you feel so fine
• It's gin, gin, gin, that makes you want to sin
• It's rabbits, rabbits, rabbits, that teach us nasty habits

Moo
 

In our schoolday version 'quartermaster's store' was actually 'co-operative store'.

Adds that grittily authentic working class touch. Bet you lot were all in the CCF or something, eh?

BTW, would a dedicated Kendrick-bashing thread get censored, do you reckon...?
 

was the daring version (well, daring if you're 8 and the teacher is in the next seat).

Then there's (tune - John Brown's Body):

He jumped from forty thousand feet without a parachute (x3)
And he ain't gonna jump no more

Glory, glory what a helluva way to die
Suspended by your braces in the middle of the sky
Glory, glory what a helluva way to die
And he ain't gonna jump no more

2. He landed on the runway like a lump of strawb'ry jam

3. They put him in a matchbox and they sent him home to mum

4. She put him on the mantelpiece for everyone to see

5. He fell from the mantelpiece into the fire
(doesn't scan very well, that one...)
 

quote:

---

A Kevin Prosch gem from this year's Stoneleigh/New Wine book...

Hey Lord (Hey Lord)[etc]

---

Misattributed authorship, though from an album post-produced by Kevin Prosch. Actually by Lewis Crownover as far as I know.
 

Listening to you rant and rave has cheered me up immensly. I think changing Churches might be a wise idea1 Or re-writing song words!

A pet hate of mine is "Father God I Wonder". Maybe its irrational but the line "I can never be alone" always suggests that God is an annoying little brother that follows you around, listening outside the door, sneaking a peek at your diary etc.

I could moan for hours, maybe I'll be back after Church (and "If I were a butterfly") on Sunday,

Jen
 

quote:

---

Then there's (tune - John Brown's Body):

---

hehehe, i remember singing this one gill but you missed a verse

5. They spread on their bread when the vicar came to tea...

*grin* i particularly loved that verse, as all the adults in the vicinity would wince

viki
 

quote:

---

5. They spread on their bread when the vicar came to tea...

*grin* i particularly loved that verse, as all the adults in the vicinity would wince

---

I'm not surprised - the scansion is painful. Crumpets would be fine, bread or toast no. Did you children have no aesthetic ear at all?

'frin
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amos:
... I first ran into Louvin Brothers music at a show of the Mark Morris dance group ...

---

wonderful - morris dancing is the only sort that is natural for an Englishman. I take it Mark is English?
 

Christmas Hate
...in that most famous carol "Once in Royal David's City" - the line "Christian children all must be/mild, obedient, good as he". What happened to raging against injustice? And what kind of woosy, Christian kids are we encouraging?

Kid's hate
God is better than Football,
God is better than beer,
God is better than cricket,
'Cos God's here all the year.
He isn't closed on Sundays,
He isn't stopped by rain,
He's better than your Captain
And you can talk to him again
(and again and again and again and again!)
God is better than football... to ...year

I'm sure I will think of more soon
Altano
 

Wedding "songs"
for the Elvis impersonator in October - I once had to sing the Hawaian Wedding song ("Blue skies of Hawaii shine on this our wedding day" in suburban Adelaide) as the couple were having their honeymoon in Hawaii
- when will Sumserlerve be struck off? I had to sing "The Rose" just this afternoon...
- "Let's call the whole thing off" - has been done here but I wasn't there

All Saints
- we still do "Boomfer"

Bad matches
"At the name of Jesus" to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon" and something else to the tune of "Morningtown Ride"

More later perhaps?
ALTANO
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Altano:
Christmas Hate
...in that most famous carol "Once in Royal David's City" - the line "Christian children all must be/mild, obedient, good as he".

---

To my great joy, this stanza was omitted in the ECUSA 1982 Hymnal.

Moo
 

"We have been crucified with Christ,
Now we shall live forever."

That would be the Christ who was crucified on our behalf, for our sins, so we *didn't* have to be up there with him.

"God has proclaimed the just reward,
'Life for all, alleluia.'"

God's reward seems to me to be totally unjust. A just response to humanity would definatley not be salvation. Yet God sent his son to us, in spite of ourselves.

Emilie, annoyed
 

Ah Lord You made the heavens
and the Earth.

Now this just seemed to be a bit of an acussatory attitude. Kind of like

Ah Lord You made the heavens and the earth but can You do this?(Starts patting head and rubbing stomach at same time.)

Maybe not an awful song but amused me with its way of putting it.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by da_musicman:
It goes something like this.

Ah Lord You made the heavens
and the Earth.

---

Oh yes, from the recesses of my memory ... would the song be something more like:

Ah Lord God, Thou hast made the heavens,
And the earth with Thine outstretched arm.
<two more lines I can't remember; perhaps repeats>

Nothing is too difficult for Thee.
Nothing is too difficult for Thee.
Nothing is too difficult;
Nothing is too difficult;
Nothing is too difficlut for Thee.
 

Nothing is too difficult for Thee
Nothing is too difficult for Thee
Oh great and mighty God
Great in power and mighty in deed
Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing
Nothing is too difficult for Thee.

Not as bad as some, though it does kind of go off the rails a bit.

To address some other points,

"We have been crucified with Christ" comes from Gal 2:20, and is biblical; it`s another example of the dying to self thing that Paul was (rightly) so keen on. I agree about the "just reward" being anything but though!

I knew a couple more verses to the 40,000 feet song, to be inserted between jumping and landing:

The girl who packed the parachutes forgot to pack the strings..
and she ain`t gonna jump no more!

The captain was the last to jump, the first to hit the ground..
and he ain`t gonna jump no more!

(And the chorus I knew had the second line
"Suspended by your braces when you don`t know how to fly")

Does anyone else have an aversion to songs which address God as "Yahweh"? I always feel a little odd, using the Most Holy Name which was never to be spoken aloud, so casually..
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Altano:

Christmas Hate
...in that most famous carol "Once in Royal David's City" - the line "Christian children all must be/mild, obedient, good as he". What happened to raging against injustice? And what kind of woosy, Christian kids are we encouraging?

---

Amen to that, along with the "He was little weak and helpless" line, but worst of all from the same carol is the line "Where like stars his chldren crowned/All in white shall wait around".
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Altano:
Christmas Hate
...in that most famous carol "Once in Royal David's City" - the line "Christian children all must be/mild, obedient, good as he". What happened to raging against injustice? And what kind of woosy, Christian kids are we encouraging?

---

Well, yo'ure certainly jerking this out of context. Did Christ, as a child, rage against injustice? If you think he did, you're not getting that from the Biblical record. The Bible says he was obedient to his parents (Luke 2:51). As all children should be (Eph 6:1, Col 3:20). And as the song you quote says they should be.

Kids (in my experience) are very poor judges of what is injustice and what isn't. For them, everyting is injust (or "not fair!" as they say) that doesn't follow some "rule" (often some rule the child him/herself has "intuited" i.e. made up to explain how s/he sees people behaving) to the letter.

Alex
 

Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.

I don't know about "mild" but we've got obedience in spades here.

Alex
 

Do you know the tunes "Mack the Knife" and "Hernando's Hideaway"? (I don't know when they originally came out, but not lately.) Both, by the way, good songs. But try the words of "Jesus calls us, o'er the tumult" to the tune of "Mack the Knife" and the words of the Doxology to "Hernando's Hideaway."

Bene
 

Read your bible, pray every day
Pray every day, pray every day
Read your bible, pray every
Then you'll grow, grow, grow.

Then you'll grow, grow, grow
Then you'll grow, grow, grow (said Jesus)
Read your bible, pray every day
THen you'll grow, grow, grow

Can't remember other verses but the lyrics are something else. Wonder if that incredible piece of theology has anything to do with the fact that I am not 5'10"?

mmmmmmmmmmm more later.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amos:
Yes, I have an absolute aversion to the vocalization of the tetragrammaton (i.e. saying "Yahweh"), but curiously don't mind "Jehovah" which is a much earlier attempt at the same thing. I think it's probably the pseudo-scientific "And this is how the ancient Hebrews did it" quality of "Yahweh" that is most offensive.

---

Then you must hate the New Jerusalem Bible translation.

Moo
 

5-0-0-0 plus hungry folk.

when our vicar tried to introduce it the congregation just sat there in disbelief.
 

Don't read your bible, forget to pray
forget to pray, forget to pray (x2)

and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink.
and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink.
and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink.

Don't read your bible, forget to pray
and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink.
 

The full words to "I am a sheep" are:

I am a sheep baa baa and I like to stay well fed,
I am a sheep baa baa, a little stupid in the head,
I go astray most every day,
what a trouble I must be,
I'm glad I've got the good shepherd looking after me!
Ah-ha, ah-ha, baa, baa

Well, if its too much trouble for God....

Oh, and while I'm a ranting, I've just got back from 2K1 in Salford (this years answer to Message 2000) and Matt Redman was leading the worship. Has anyone heard "I'm making melodies in my heart to you". Coz its a good thing he was, coz that song certanly wasn't making melodies to God out loud. It was dirge!

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back,
Jen
 

afaik it goes:

i'm a jumper for my lord
and a sweater for my god
cos i jump and sweat and dance and shout and yell (yee har!)
i'm a jumper for my lord
and a sweater for my god
cos i'm clothed in robes of righteousness as well.

i'm enthusiastic for my god and that's the way to be.
god has filled my life with joy, i'll praise him and be free.
jesus is my special friend, he means so much to me,
i know that i will never be a christian misery.

i'm a jumper for my lord
and a sweater for my god....

*shudder* two more verses i have blocked from my memory

i do remember having to jump up and down.....

*sits in corner rocking quietly*

viki
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by icklejen:

Has anyone heard "I'm making melodies in my heart to you". Coz its a good thing he was, coz that song certanly wasn't making melodies to God out loud. It was dirge!

---

OY.Lay off.I'd hardly call it a dirge.You want a dirge check out How Marvellous.How Wonderful.Words most defintiely don't fit tune.
 

It had to be the worst music I've ever heard, anywhere! Anyone else know this one?
 

This thread has really cheered me up. However, you've missed out my personal pet hate. We sang a song at primary school which went somethnig like this:

"The ink is black
The page is white
Together we learn
To read and write
To read and write"

... various otherthings were then black and white until we got to

"A child is black
A child is white
...."

This was meant to make us look on eachother as equals no matter what colour we were. However, at age 6, I had yet to realise that the black kids in my school could possibly be thought of as different because they were black. I wouldn't have described them in those terms, since that wasn't important whereas e.g. whether they were good at football or willing to lend me their crayons was. The song was the first thing to give me any inkling of the horrors of racism, despite being intended to do just the opposite! Also it had a dreadful tune.

Does anyone else remember this one? What did you think?
 

In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan
Earth stood hard as iron
Water like a stone
Snow had fallen, snow on snow
Snow on snow [OK, OK, we get the message...]
In the bleak midwinter long ago.

So He was born on December 25th in Siberia them?

Or what about in "Away in a Manger" with 'No crying he makes'. I'd be willing to take a bet on that one.
 

I suspect there are many on the Ship who would come to the defense of Christina Rosetti. I being one of them.

Ignoring the first verse, for example, you soon come to: "Our God, heav'n cannot hold him/nor earth sustain..."

Or the third verse: "What can I give him/poor as I am?..." and the poet concludes, "Yet what I can I give him: give my heart."

Granted, the hymn is northern hemispher-centric, but it's no more narratively confused then, for example, the First Noel.

Now I'm going to find myself humming both tunes all day, Tristan. It's your fault, and I don't forget this sort of thing....

tomb
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by rachel_oliver:
The song was the first thing to give me any inkling of the horrors of racism, despite being intended to do just the opposite!

---

yes, i remember this song well, and totally agree with you rachel. kids totally fail to distinguish between people in terms of colour, until adults *gently* point it out to them

i have a 7 year old friend, who has been friends with jenny since they were both 4. i have met jenny several times when i have been babysitting/childminding/whatnot. last time i was going to childmind, katie told me that jenny would be over, and added:

'she's my coloured friend.'

katie has *never* distinguished her this way before, and i'm saddened that she has now picked up colour differences.....

viki
 

How did Moses cross the Red Sea (x3)
How did he get across?

Did he swim? No,no.
Did he fly? No, no?
(third line esccapes me)
How did he get across?

God blew with his wind, puff, puff, puff, puff
And he blew just enough, nuff, nuff, nuff, nuff
And through the sea he made a path
That's how they got across.

Imagine the actions and a first verse to a John Brown's body tune...

Worst is, I think it is in Kids Praise - and I can almost still sing the whole thing!
 

Okay, so there may not have been snow in Palestine. She is not trying to portay a historical, factual, rational account of a past event. She is writing, as an English woman, a poetic reflection on the nativity.

Incidentally does anyone like "Masters in this hall" as a Christmas carol? By William Morris I believe, with "God today hath poor folk raised, and cast adown the proud" (based on part of the Magnificat).

PT
 

Pt
 

yes, the thread was 18 pages. when i tried to read pages 17 and 18, i got no posts, just the side bar etc i PM'ed david, and he/they/god changed the no of posts on each page to 50, which seems to have cleared up the problem.

i'm guessing ship-of-fools didn't like us having 18 page threads....... let's make some more and find out????

viki
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Newman's Own:
I cannot recall all of the words, but it was a really inane tune with lyrics to the effect:He came down that we may have love (peace, joy), repeated three or four times.
It had to be the worst music I've ever heard, anywhere! Anyone else know this one?

---

It's from the Cameroons, and you have actually remembered all the lyrics except the cantor line (why did he come) and the last line (Alleluia, forevermore). I'm guessing this one comes from the no paper/ low literacy tradition of repeat line one.

As for the thread shrinking: all the posts are still here, so it isn't the length of threads that we are altering. All the boards are on 50 posts per page, just because we wanted to try that out [not because you were having problems, viki].

This thread will not run to 18 pages again. If it keeps growing, it will be closed and restarted on a new thread.

'frin
 

It's a happy day, and I thank God for the weather.
It's a happy day, living it for my Lord.
It's a happy day, things are gonna get better, living each day by the promises in God's word.

It's a grumpy day, and I can't stand the weather.
It's a grumpy day, living it for myself.
It's a grumpy day, and things aren't gonna get better, living each day with my Bible up on my shelf.

I figure from that that God doesn't love those of us stuck in rainy Lancaster much!
 

quote:

---

We are one in the Spirit,
We are one in the Lord
(Repeat thrice)
And we pray that all unity
Will one day be restored

Chorus:
And they'll know we are Christians
By our love, by our love
Yes, they'll know we are Christians
By our love.

We will walk with each other
We will walk hand in hand
(Repeat thrice)
And together we'll share the news
That God is in our land

CHORUS

---

I think there were a few more verses too...

Also...

quote:

---

Brother let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant too.
[Sung as ser-er-er-vant too]

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are [thankfully blocked out]
[Thankfully blocked out]
Walk the mile and share-are-are the load.

I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
[Thankfully
blocked out]

---

Sorry I cannot remember it all; though it may be a good thing. I remember "holding the Christ light" being a line somewhere there too.

Purge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admiral H.
 

The one song that he penned that winds me up even more that shine Jesus shine is the Christingle song.

I think it was written for kids to sing, but our sunday scholl had immense trouble.

The other song I really detest is 'Let there be love shared among us'
 

quote:

---

We are one in the Spirit,
We are one in the Lord

---

'frin
 

.....a little bit like High Mass, really
 

Brother let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant too.
[Sung as ser-er-er-vant too]

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are [thankfully blocked out]
[Thankfully blocked out]
Walk the mile and share-are-are the load.

The full verse is:

We are pilgrims on a journey
And companions on the road
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
[Thankfully
blocked out]

The rest is:
We will share such joy and sorrow
'til we've seen this journey through.

Actually, I LIKE this rather a lot. It is more commonly sung now as Brother Sister Let me Serve You.

The verse about the Christ light is

I will hold the Christ light for you
in the night time of your fear;
I will hold my hand out to you,
speak the peace you long to hear.

Personally, there was a time when someone did that for me on a scale I can never repay. I honestly believe that I only kept going because I knew that on some level I was held, and safe. One day I hope to do the same for someone else.

It's the hymn I have always chosen for a welcome service when I start work in a new church, because it says so clearly what ministry is about (all ministry - not particularly ordained). The first line stresses the servant thing, but the last line of the first verse - pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant too - shows that serving is not enough, we must be willing to allow ourselves to be served as well. Much harder I find. Those last two lines echo in my head every time I find myself starting to believe I can manage on my own. It is all right to be vulnerable, and all right to need help.

But all this is just my feeling. If you hate it, okay. But you're missing a great sing!

I don't think that was hellish enough was it. Sorry.
 

If it has, sorry: if not, then it's worthy of being completely forgotten forever. Principally because of the tune, which is so bad I can't actually remember any of the words.
 

So light up the fire and let the flame burn,
Open the door let Jesus return,
Take the seeds of his Spirit, let the fruit grow,
Tell the people of Jesus, let his love show

Go through the park, on into the town,
The sun still shines on, it never goes down,
The light of the world is risen again,
The people of darkness are needing a friend.

Open your eyes, look into the sky,
The darkness has come, the sun came to die,
The evening draws on, the sun disappears,
But Jesus is living, his Spirit is near.

bb
 

I suppose thinking about it the words it is not such a bad song...quite pleasant in fact.

I suppose what made it hellish was the way it was sung. People had their heads down, it was sung at a very VERY slow pace, and after singing this song (often towards the end of the service) people would often walk out without so much as a 'Hello'. Kind of grated on me that a song about serving invoked such an un-serving reaction.

Perhaps I should take that song off the Hellish list.
 

bb
 

The first verse was "Every night before I sleep, I pray my soul to take; or else I pray that loneliness is gone when I awake."

Difficult though loneliness is, I am not inclined to think one would pray to die tonight rather than be lonely tomorrow.

Now, many of you may have been spared this one, unless you were in Roman parishes c. 1965 that were desperate for music that required only four guitar chords, but, in parishes that used it, this horrid gem, which had about 16 verses (I'll quote a few if I can remember them), was greatly loved.

Refrain:
Sons of God, hear his holy word,
Gather round the table of the Lord,
Eat his body, drink his blood,
And we'll sing a song of love,
Allelu, allelu, allelu, allelu-ia.

Brothers, sisters, we are one,
And our lives have just begun,
In the Spirit, we are young,
We can live forever.
(I have my reservations about the theology here, which I shall be happy to photocopy for anyone interested.)

With the Church we celebrate,
Jesus' coming we await,
So we make a holiday,
So we'll live forever.

If we want to live with Him,
We must also die with Him,
Die to selfishness and sin,
And we'll rise forever.

I think the same composer wrote the absolute bottom of the barrel, "Shout from the Highest Mountain," and "Here We Are," the latter of which was something like this:

Refrain:
Here we are, all together
as we sing our song joyfully.
Here we are, joined together as we pray we'll always be.

Join me now as friends, and celebrate
the brotherhood we share, all as one.
Keep the fire burning, kindle it with care,
As we all join in and sing.

Freedom we do shout, for everybody,
And unless there is, we should pray,
That soon there will be one true brotherhood,
Let us all join in and sing.

Let us make the world an alleluia,
Let us make the world a better place,
Keep a smile handy, have a helping hand,
And we'll all join in and sing.

...As a serious musician, who really had hopes for the RC liturgy at the time, I often hoped that there were at least a few cases in history where lex orandi, lex credendi did not automatically apply. It was when I found that was indeed a universal truth that I embraced the C of E
 

Dare I say I have remembered another. For some reason it gave me images of people waving flags:

Joy is the flag flown high
in the castle of my heart
(last line * 2)
Joy is the flag flown high
in the castle of my heart
When the King is in residence there.

We were always encouraged to clap along also (I never did; and was once approached by the worship leader coming down the aisle clapping, and giving me the "C'mon, clap!" look and motion.)

If someone could give me nightmares and tell me the chorus I'd be forever in hell.
 

Why don't you put your trust in Jesus,
and ask him to come in,
He saw your need from up in heaven and died to save your sin.
why don't you take him as your saviour and let him hold your hand,
he will strengthen keep you and guide you till you reach the promised land
He will strengthen keep you and guide you till you reach the promised land.

A great favourite with the older generation, who feel that they are reclaiming tunes from the devil. But everyone else cringes at the thought of it
 

So let it fly in the sky, let the whole world know,
Let the whole world know,
Let the whole world know.
So let it fly in the sky, let the whole world know,
That the king is in residence there.

...now, door prize to anyone old enough to remember the old Roman hymn "Little White Guest." The "flag flying high" would almost seem an improvement.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
You do seem to have suffered more than the rest of us on this issue, Newman. I shall pray for you.

---

I'm quite moved, Dyfrig.

Yes, do indeed pray for me... this thread has made me nearly die laughing.
 

There's a house on a hill and it hasn't
Been lived in for a long long time.
And the windows are all broken,
And the paint has lost its shine.
And there's nothing ever heard there,
For there's nothing ever said.
For the life of the house left a long time ago
And the heart of the house is dead.

O House of the Lord, can't you feel it
How our heart is growing cold
For when the Spirit comes He quickens
But when the Spirit leaves, life goes.

It goes on to explain the different rooms of this house. My friends tell me I'm just not looking deep enough, I just think it's stupid symbolism.

I remember an old favourite from infant school. "I have seen the golden sunshine I have watched the flowers grow, I have listened to the songbirds and there's something now I know, they were all put there for us to share by someone so devine, and if you're a friend of jesus (clap clap clap clap clap) you're a friend of mine"

Worse thing is I know I used to like this song!

Sax
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Admiral Holder:
Lyra,

I suppose thinking about it the words it is not such a bad song...quite pleasant in fact.

I suppose what made it hellish was the way it was sung. People had their heads down, it was sung at a very VERY slow pace, and after singing this song (often towards the end of the service) people would often walk out without so much as a 'Hello'. Kind of grated on me that a song about serving invoked such an un-serving reaction.

Perhaps I should take that song off the Hellish list.

---

Extremely gracious of you, and much appreciated. There are few songs I would defend strongly, but this is sure one of them! I can, however, understand your feelings at the rendition described, and you have my full sympathy
 

I'm thinking of me praising Jesus
and I'm loving the feeling I feel.
When I think of his touch,
I am feeling so much,
that tomorrow I'll praise him for real.

It's a spoof, of course--but I'll bet someone, somewhere will use it 'straight' in church!
 

I don't know the words to this one, but it was something like, "I saw the light, I saw the light, praise the Lord, I saw the light!" It was really rather dreadful, but the melody was terribly catchy - just writing this here will ensure I hum it for two days, though the single time I heard it sung must have been a quarter of a century ago.

Also in the "dreadful but horribly catchy" category: "I Am the Bread of Life." It had many verses, but the refrain was, "And I will raise him up, and I will raise him up, and I will raise him up on the last day."
 

Such fun !
 

Bene
 

quote:

---

Yeah, and that 'Raise him up' one was also pitched so high that no one could sing it, so 'raise him up' sort of screeched around the church as everyone strained for the note.

---

It's only an F natural. That's within the Bass and Alto ranges (just). People just aren't trying.

I object to people making us go down to bottom A's, personally.

I shall have to change my sign-on name to,
"the evangelical baritone."
 

But what has to be one of the ultimate worst is that thing, called, I believe, "Alleluia", which has one of the dreariest tunes in Christendom, and the lyrics to the first verse are "Alleluia"(repeated 8 times). I think one of the other verses has the words "Jesus loves me" (repeated 8 times). And for a time I went to a church with one of the worst choirs in the Western Hemisphere, and as God is my witness, they did that appalling thing, along with "Let Us Break Bread Together on our Knees" every single Sunday for over a year.

Bene
 

Bene
 

I'll never be able to sing that song again (not that I'd want to). Reminds me of the time I improvised a fantasia and toccata at the end of church on "We Will Rock You" the last time the Broncos went to the Super Bowl.

And in defense of Sr. Toolan's hymn "I am the bread of life," it doesn't have a high tessatura, it just has an impossibly wide range. You go from growlingly low to screechingly high.

Something to be said for Broad Church, I suppose.

tomb
 

Until now.

I will go to sleep humming it and dream pleasant dreams about dismembering Benedictus for suggesting it.

You obviously have a profoundly disordered imagination. Have you tried gin?
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
I am trying to imagine "We will rock you" as a fantasia and toccata, tomb. Puts good Ol'JSB to shame!

---

Yeah. The cathedral organist used to improvise a little ditty on the Darth Vader theme whenever the Bishop showed up. I got the idea from him. He later left the employment of the diocese, alas.
 

And, by the way, I am most partial to gin. You all almost have me talked into springing for a bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
 

Of course, one must always expect the unexpected, especially in parishes which care only about "getting the people involved," regardless of whether person A has any knowledge of what he is doing. Years ago, there was a parish where I served where the substitute organist had an incredible memory for any melody she heard, and the ability to reproduce exactly what she heard (up to a symphony) on the organ. Trouble was, she did not remember where she heard the tune or what lyrics it may have.

I remember well when, during Communion one Sunday, I heard her improvising "Musetta's Waltz."
 

I've definitely seen Fs, even occasionally F#s, written for bass and alto, so there.

Singing low really wears the tenor voice out quickly.
 

I love "I am the bread of life" though I can't remember the last time we sang it. It does squeak a bit though, as pointed out. And also if I remember rightly the words don't fit the melody so nobody knows how to fit them in.
 

This is decidedly unhellish. Go and dunk me, I mean vote me a tot, on the rant.
 

All I know is that the vast majority of worship songs seem to be writen for sopranos, and for an alto like me (who can't harmonise naturally) it's just too damn high!!
 

Approximately, the ranges are:

Soprano: C - Bb
(Contr)Alto: F - F
Tenor: C - Bb
Bass: D - F.

Bass is the widest because composers never seem to consider any note too low. Of course, notes do get written occasionally outside these ranges; I've seen as low as C (two octaves below middle) for Bass, E for Tenor (in an early baroque piece) and so on.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Benedictus:
But what has to be one of the ultimate worst is that thing, called, I believe, "Alleluia", which has one of the dreariest tunes in Christendom, and the lyrics to the first verse are "Alleluia"(repeated 8 times). I think one of the other verses has the words "Jesus loves me" (repeated 8 times).

---

I agree that the tune can sound dreary, but it doesn't have to. When that song is sung in a lively manner, it's quite nice.

Another hymn which can sound dreary is Alleluia, alleluia give thanks to the risen Lord. A friend of mine was in church with her ten-year-old son once, when that was played like a dirge. He learned over and said to her, "Are we singing about Jesus's death or his resurrection?"

Moo
 

Can we all promise not to play either "Let There be Peace on Earth" (which I once heard beautifully described as sounding like roller skating music) or the old "Peace I Leave with You, My Friends" at our services now?

The Prayer of Saint Francis is all right... I'm off to write another setting for it right now.
 

The church where I play is supposed to perform "By and By" tomorrow. If you're not familiar with it, it's very happy-clappy. The music director is reviewing the words (I don't have them at home) to see if it can be performed slowly and somberly, but chances are it will just be cancelled.
 

Ch: Let us all try to be kind
While we can, while we can
If we don't start when we're young,
Chances are we will ne-----ver begin.

1: Jesus was always so kind
He brought love everywhere.
Think of that woman in Namun
SHe was near to despair.
Her only son was to die
Jesus neeeeeeded to care
Jesus said "Fret not my child.
I will sa---ve your boy.
Just because Jesus was kind
That widow's face filled with j--o---y
Filled with j----o---y!

2: Jesus was alwys so kind
He brought love ev'rywhere
Think of that poor man Jairus
He was near to despair .....

oh i can't be bothered, but you get the general idea!

AAAAAARGH!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Newman's Own:

Can we all promise not to play either "Let There be Peace on Earth" (which I once heard beautifully described as sounding like roller skating music)

---

This can be dreadful, but it can also be beautiful. It was a favourite of the headmaster of my junior school. After his untimely death, it was sung beautifully by the junior school choir (I was older by this time) at his memorial service and was, in context, very moving.

Sorry to be soppy...

Rachel.

[fixed UBB code]

[ 23 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

quote:

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Jesus was always so kind
He brought love everywhere.

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The rest of the words deserve a very thick veil drawn over them

But these two lines are so fatuous. Jesus wasn't always so kind. "Yes, of course, just carry on selling those doves, and changing money at exhorbitant rates"? I don't think so.

Perhaps there's room for another crappy chorus, "Jesus was always so kind When it really mattered"

Where's the gin...?
 

Walk with me, O my Lord
Through the darkest night and brightest day
Stay by my side, O God
Hold my hand and help me on my way

The verses were all about how sometimes we get tired and disillusioned and God gives us strength and is in us in the darkest times.

All set to a tune that sounded like it ought to come out of a circus barrel-organ. I thought the organist must be having a joke by exaggerating a tendency already present in the tune (and let`s face it, there`s no way you could have sung that tune meditatively), but when I got home and looked it up in my own music book, I realised that he`d played it *exactly as written*.

It`s obviously a problem where someone has written some lyrics, and then put a tune to them, concerned only with whether the syllables fit into place and not at all with whether the tune actually fits the sentiment behind the words.
 

How can I *ever* thank you?

I'll think of something....

tomb
 

hear the pennies dropping
listen as they fall
every one for Jesus
he shall have them all
dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping
hear the pennies fall
every one for Jesus
he shall have them all
 

We're marching in the Love of God
We're marching in the Love of God
We're marching in the Love of God
We're marching in the Love of God
We're marching
We're marching
We're marching in the Love of God
We're marching
We're marching (ooooooooo-oooooooh)
We're marching in the Love of God

We're moving in the Power of God
We're moving in the Power of God
We're moving ......

Well you get the picture!
Oh yes and the whole thing was like an aerobics class because most of the people while they were singing were moving their feet up and down as if they were marching (within the confines of an Anglican Church pew!)It maybe wasn't quite my scene, but perhaps I should have stuck at it as I could do with losing some weight ......
 

tomb
 

Now there's a chorus experience to post in Hell!

*I could write dozens of posts about Youth Services, but only when my daughter isn't watching!

No 51. Shipmate status at last.
 

Aaarrrgghh...I had forgotten that. And our "newer" version...

Swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping
(forgotten line)
Swipe your card for Jesus
He shall have them all.

As if 10 year olds have Credit Cards!!!
 

Siya hamb' ekukwemen kwekos if I recall correctly.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Karl:
Siya hamb' ekukwemen kwekos if I recall correctly.

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thought there was a nyen kwen in there?

kinda like siya humb' ekuke nyen kwenkos??????

i could be wrong, am singing it from memory now!
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Karl:
I quite like that one, actually, as long as you start and finish with the Swahili verse - you need the African feel for it to work.

Siya hamb' ekukwemen kwekos if I recall correctly.

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I quite like this one too, though you do have to do the Swahili verse to made it sound more exotic. I'm in a rock-gospel choir in Edinburgh and it's one of our favourite busking songs ... but only if you have the two 'extra' verses i.e.

V1:Siya hamb' ekukwemen kwekos
V2:We are marching in the light of God
V3: See a hamster cooked in white wine sauce
v4:See a badger cooked in black bean sauce

etc etc.

See isn't it MUCH more fun now?!

 

Speaking of African Marching Songs, there was one that came out of East Africa about 15 years ago, "We have another world in view."

I made the mistake of programing it one time when the Bishop was making a visitation, and he fell in love with the damn thing.

He took it and made it sort of the unofficial diocesan theme song for a couple of years.

I remember one year at diocesan convention when he was inflicting it on the assembled (with attribution to me, of course, damn him), and a priest walked over to me and said, "I don't think I'll ever forgive you for this."

Ah, well, win a few; lose a few.

tomb
 

(ouch) - just been hit by tomb again
 

to begin with....but then what?

A more Calvinistic version might begin

"I've got a soul that stinks of sin
He's gotta soul that stinks of sin

Any other Marine possibilities?
 

I once did 'Jesus loves me this I know' to this. (First four lines, followed by 'I wanna love and follow Jesus/I want Jesus as my Lord'.)
 

Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah STEE-PHEN
Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah EEE-VEN
Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah CRUU-EL
Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah FUUU---UUU---ELLLLLLL

The badger one is a new one on me.

While searching through a childrens song book, I found a marching song, I can only remember the first line -anyone heard it

Leader 'We don't believe the devils lie'
Repeat 'We don't believe the devils lie'
 

How great is our God
How great is his name
How great is our God
Forever the same

He rolled back the waters
Of the mighty Red Sea
And he said I`ll never leave you
Put your trust in me

How great..

He sent his Son Jesus
To set us all free
And he said..

How great..

He sends us his Spirit
So now we can see
And he said..

All played at a dirge-like speed (it`s meant to be a very upbeat song with a kind of bouncybouncy feel) on an out-of-tune organ. Well, I suppose it`s not their fault the organ`s out of tune (various people have said there`s no point even trying to fix it, and they should just chuck the whole thing), but they do have a piano and there`s no reason they couldn`t use it, especially when the tune is so obviously unsuitable for organ.

[1]It was a joint service. The Other Church seems to have a taste for these things.. every single service I`ve ever been to there has ended with the same hymn, which has the chorus:

And he will raise you up on eagle`s wings
Bear you on the breath of dawn
Make you to shine like the sun
And hold you in the palm of his hand

Lyrically, it`s not too bad. Musically, it`s awful: the tune never seems to know where it`s going next, and there`s no cohesion to it. Except for the first two lines of the chorus, the tune for which I`m pretty sure has been nicked from something else.
 

quote:

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V1:Siya hamb' ekukwemen kwekos
V2:We are marching in the light of God
V3: See a hamster cooked in white wine sauce
v4:See a badger cooked in black bean sauce

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ROFLOL! This is quite the funniest thing I have EVER SEEN posted on the Ship!
 

bb
 

When I saw this thread, my first thought was 'and in His presence/our problems disappear', which I discovered was thoroughly dealt with on the first page, back in June. My second thought was a line from a hymn; the exact wording I can't remember, but it speaks of Jesus going 'cheerfully' to death, or the cross, or summat.

Sticks in my throat every time.
 

Chas, thank you for bringing up Earth and All Stars, and also for your alternate verse selections. For those who don't remember page two of this lengthy thread, the hymn lists many sound-making things in creation, ancient and modern, such as "loud-boiling test-tubes" and "loud pounding hammers" and how they "sing to the L-o-o-o-ord a new song."

Thus it is that in the choir my Dad conducts, this hymn is referred to simply as "Loud Flushing Toilets".

I slaved through this whole ghastly thread, which I had neglected, because as a church musician, I've heard so much awfulness that can barely be believed perpetrated in the name of "music" and find myself entirely overcome, now that I have surveyed yet again the apparently unplumbable depths out there. The pain is intense.

Nonethless, I will add a couple I remember that have not (staggeringly) been mentioned yet.

At a summer church camp, we once learned a little ditty bastardized from Sound of Music's "Do(e), a deer" that went as follows:

Doyou know the Saviour died?
raised again in three short days?
Me, the one for whom he died,
Far away he took my sins.
So I'll love him ever more!
Love I never knew before!
T, that stands for Calvary!
That means Je-sus died for Me!

Oh, the horror. The horror.

And there was some awfulness that had as the chorus:

Je-sus, O Je-sus, come and fill your lambs!

Which I thought as a child made no sense and was, also, creepy.

Finally, an anecdote. My sister and I (circa ages 8 and 11, respectively) once attended services at a relative's very happy-clappy Baptist church. We were raised middle to high ECUSA, so this was pretty "out there" for us. When the band started in the balcony, my sister looked at my mother, horrified, and said, "What is this? 'Hooked on Jesus'?" (Those who remember the excremental early-eighties Hooked on Classics and associated albums which took sixteen bars of great pieces and put them to a steady rock beat will know what she was referring to).
 

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Take Jesus as your saviour
And then you'll have two.

(So the Queen doesn't have the monopoly on this then ....)
 

quote:

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Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Take Jesus as your saviour
And then you'll have two.

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Two saviors? Two birthdays? Two cookies? What are they talking about?
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Laura:

At a summer church camp, we once learned a little ditty bastardized from Sound of Music's "Do(e), a deer" that went as follows:

Doyou know the Saviour died?
raised again in three short days?
Me, the one for whom he died,
Far away he took my sins.
So I'll love him ever more!
Love I never knew before!
T, that stands for Calvary!
That means Je-sus died for Me!

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Laura, you have cheered me up no end in the middle of a long day at work. Thank you.

(my co-workers now think I'm a total loony, as I'm sat giggling into my PC, but who cares?!)

K

 

A few years ago, a religious Internet site (cannot recall the name now) conducted a poll of "favourite Catholic hymns." I was amazed that "On Eagle's Wings" won by a "landslide."

When it comes to trendy, totally "un-singable" tunes, there was one, popular mainly amongst those who worked with either little children or the aged, which I believe was called "You Want to Pass it On." Since this is the sort of tune (any lyric) one desperately longs to forget, I may be off track a bit, but I recall it's being something like:

It only take a spark
To get a fire going
And soon all those around
Are warmed up with its glowing
That's how it is with God's Love
Once you've experienced it
You want to sing,
It's fresh like spring,
You want to pass it on.

The tune was weird and difficult enough, but that it tended to be introduced for congregational singing, at such gatherings as would be held either in nursing homes or those related to primary school children, made it all the worse.
 

Is this in the Gospel according to Aldous Huxley or something?
 

"Pass it On" was originally part of a "Christian Musical," as I recall.

In the same genre was a song called, "He's Everything To Me." It began, "In the stars his handiwork I see," but rapidly degenerated after that. I.will.not.think.of.any.more.of.it.

NB: there's a second verse to "Pass it On," but we shall pass over it, in testimony to the infinite mercy of God.

tomb
 

quote:

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You want to sing,
It's fresh like spring,
You want to pass it on.

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Sounds like a soap commercial. Or one for "feminine products".
 

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
Oh, Newman, you beat me to it. I thought of posting "Pass it On" the other day, then forgot to do so.

"Pass it On" was originally part of a "Christian Musical," as I recall.

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Please excuse my ignorance, tomb, but what is a "Christian Musical"? (This so I can avoid anything related to it in the future...)

Musician that I was, I cannot resist adding two general "crappy choruses" general categories. I loathe when Latin (or other foreign language) hymns are "translated" into words that bear no resemblance to the original, but are merely English words cramped into the tune.

As well, when there are modern hymns, composed perhaps by monks or nuns, which were intended specifically as adaptations of texts proper to a particular liturgy, their adaptation for "general use" (copied from a CD, perhaps) often has strange results.

Some years ago, I recall a Benedictine abbey's having released records of (actually rather pleasant) songs, which specifically were adaptations of Collects or other liturgical elements related to particular dates on the calendar. Unfortunately, the adaptation of the reading from Hosea ("Long have I waited for your coming home to me..") set me into fits of giggling when I heard it at every 1970s wedding; "Wherever You Go I Shall Go" I heard used for everything from weddings to graduation ceremonies (sycophantic teachers would have the class "dedicate it to their parents" - I hope it wasn't true) with no memory of Ruth or Naomi; and one song about the Virgin Mary, which was originally intended for the Feast of Guadalupe (when Juan Diego is said to have seen the vision of Mary reproduced on his cape), with the words "Just as Lovely as Before," seemed bizarre out of context.
 

In re: Latin hymns, my favorite is the translation of the Ave Maria (usually Schubert, but I've seen it done to Bach/Gounod as well) that turns it into an "Our Father"--presumably so it can be sung in translation at Protestant weddings and not offend prod sensibilities.

As to the Ruth passage, what a hoot! And this was about the time, I suppose, that married women were being counseled to swath themselves in Saran Wrap and great their husbands at the door when the came home as a way of spicing up the marriage. If my wife ever did anything like that, I'd probably have nightmares and end up impotent. She's more sensible than that, thank God.

Regarding Christian musicals, probably the only thing you need to know is that they are not musical and tend to be silly and allegorical. I haven't heard of one being performed in decades, so you're probably safe.

tomb
 

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
LOL.
And this was about the time, I suppose, that married women were being counseled to swath themselves in Saran Wrap and greet their husbands at the door when the came home as a way of spicing up the marriage. If my wife ever did anything like that, I'd probably have nightmares and end up impotent. She's more sensible than that, thank God.
tomb

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ROTFL - but I'm way too innocent to have thought of things like plastic wrap... I only meant that they seemed to ignore that Hosea's wife (even apart from being Israel...) is a prostitute... Years ago, I once heard the same song done for a penance service - and, while it actually is appropriate on one level, I doubt anyone caught why that was so.
This was the era when penance services emphasised that no one ever sinned.

In about 1980 (I was still an RC nun), I remember a highly creative "penance service," for little children who were making first confession. I recall the church was rather large, and that the priests were seated in the rooms beside the spot where the altar was. Of course, the nuns were terrified that a child making first confession might feel guilt or something, so this was a song-fest.. of the worst. The kids had to bring their families (this was a big time for making everything a family event..), sitting with them in the pews, and singing all sorts of things like, "And we're so happy! So very happy! We've got the love of Jesus in our hearts!" - guitars, tambourines, all sort of beyond happy clappy songs. Each kid, in turn, went up the aisle to make first confession, with all this noise all around, then return to hug and kiss the family members (reconciliation, I suppose... no, this crowd was too dense to even think of that one...)

I still remember, with that horrible, loud music and this false festival atmosphere, that this happy occasion was a penance that I would not wish on Jack the Ripper... I still am trembling, remembering how it upset me.

Then again, I always thought the most unwittingly honest statement in church music history, albeit one set to a dreadful tune, was the 1960s "Take Our Bread" (at a time when, in some slang, "bread" meant money)... especially during Offertory...
 

First off

I will sing unto the Lord
I will sing unto the Lord
For he has triumphed gloriously
The horse and the rider he has thrown into the sea
I will sing unto the Lord

Fabulous - and it is solid biblically based so can't go wrong.

Second:

Pierce my ear oh Lord my God
Take me to your throne this day
I will have no other Lord
A free man I'll never be.

Those both made sense. Not.

But boy it was hours of mirth as we had to sing them at youth choir and then, joy of joys, sing them to the church.

Happpy days.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Beenster:

...

Pierce my ear oh Lord my God

...

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Beenster, you're making that up!
 

(Voice-over): Bioterrorism. Because God said so.

I will sing unto the Lord
I will sing unto the Lord
For he has triumphed gloriously
The horse and the rider he has thrown into the sea

Has anyone else heard this one sung to the tune of "Tsena, Tsena"? "IwillsinguntotheLord
forhehastriumphedgloriouslythehorseandrider
thrownintothesea."
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Beenster:
I will sing unto the Lord
I will sing unto the Lord
For he has triumphed gloriously
The horse and the rider he has thrown into the sea
I will sing unto the Lord

---

Exodus 15:20-21
"Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing. Miriam sang to them: "Sing to the LORD, for he is highly exalted. The horse and its rider he has hurled into the sea."

quote:

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Pierce my ear oh Lord my God
Take me to your throne this day
I will have no other Lord
A free man I'll never be.

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Exodus 21:5-6
"But if the servant declares, `I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life."

A little bit of context make a big difference.

bb
 

Perhaps Thomas Merton was right, that becoming religious brings on a sort of brain rot.

tomb
 

For years I belonged to a church where the organist was recognized as a very good instrumentalist and choir director, but he wouldn't give the congregation a break.

I used to attend the 8:15 AM service where there was no choir. At that hour, people who would have needed no help staying in tune later in the day did need help.

On the first stanzas of the hymns, he gave a melody line, but not as strong as it could have been. On the next to the last stanza, he played a harmony with no melody line at all.

One Sunday the one of the lessons had a sentence to the effect that the shepherds were gone and the sheep were scattered. As I listened people groping for the tune while the organist played his harmony, it suddenly struck me, "The sheep are scattered."

It never dawned on this talented musician that he should help the congregation sing.

Moo
 

Thanks for the refs tho. You get a bible point!
 

These are the facts as we have received them
These are the truths that the Christian believes
This is the basis of all of our preaching
Christ died for sinners and rose from the grave.

Combined with a chirpy tune that has you singing 'Christ died for sinners' with an inane grin, this has much the same effect on me as singing 'Prices at Tesco are down once again' (which also fits the tune). Who ever thought 'These are the facts' would be a good verse to set to music? (CHris Idle on an off day, I think). Will we next be singing 'Bring me the cloak that I left at Troas, also the books and especially the scrolls'? (come to think of it, that fits too...)
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Moo:
I... It never dawned on this talented musician that he should help the congregation sing.

Moo

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Then he wasn't a musician, let along a talented one.

tomb
 

quote:

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Newman's Own:

It only take a spark
To get a fire going
And soon all those around
Are warmed up with its glowing
That's how it is with God's Love
Once you've experienced it
You want to sing,
It's fresh like spring,
You want to pass it on.

The tune was weird and difficult enough, but that it tended to be introduced for congregational singing, at such gatherings as would be held either in nursing homes or those related to primary school children, made it all the worse.

---

Oh, but we sung it at our young-adult worship service too. I could never get the "experienced" word right: thou it seemed no-one else could either. You were trotting merrily along, and then needed to say "exprnced" or something similar in two syllables.

While more of a kid's song, and a quote from a Psalm I believe, the fact we sung this in church and that actions were deemed necessary make this one a candidate:

From the rising of the sun
(Wave hands from your right-hand side to above your head in air and make "ch-ch-ch" noise)
To the going down of the same
(Complete the semi-circle of hands to your left)
The Lord's name
(Point upwards)
Is to be praised.
(Dance, flip, whatever!)

Finally, I always thought, as an un-trained singer, that the "Alleluia" in "Angels We Have Heard On High" stretched my breath capacity to its limits. (BTW: what is the proper pronounciation for "excelsis": hard or soft 'c'? I had disagreements with the choir. ) That was until I heard and was forced to sing the otherwise passable "We believe". Anyone else remember the lung capacity one needed to belt out in one breath:

Jesus, Lord of all, Lord of all.
Jesus, Lord of all, Lord of all.
Jesus, Lord of all, Lord of all.
Jesus, Lord of all, Lord of all.
Name above all names; Name above all names

Admiral H.
 

Mental note: do not post at 1am after downing port.

Admiral H.
 

Moo
 

A few of the friars I knew had attended some sort of ecumenical service where they heard a song they thought the absolute worst: "There is power, power, wonder working power in the precious blood of the Lamb." They parodied this tune with, "There were five, five constipated men in the bible, in the bible. There were five, five constipated men in the B-I-B-L-E."

In between, they chanted:

Hearken ye, the first constipated man in the Bible was Cain. He was not Abel.

Hearken ye, the second constipated man in the Bible was Moses. He took two tablets.

Hearken ye, the third constipated man in the Bible was Solomon. He sat for forty years.

I cannot recall the last two characters... but you get the picture.
 

The first was Cain...he wasn't Abel

The second was Solomon...he sat for forty years

The third was Moses...he took two tablets

The fourth was Samson...he brought the house down

The fifth was Balaam....he couldn't move his ass

There were five constipated men in the Bible....etc.

I've heard "Methuselah" for "Solomon", and you notice they're not in any sort of order, except that you have to finish with Balaam.
 

'Take from our souls the strain and stress'
[think about it...]

There, I've ruined that lovely hymn for you now, and I'll probably get an administrator down on me like a ton of bricks!
 

Excelsis

Point of dispute.

The Romans would have said 'Ex-kehl-seess' - and no 'z' sounds for either s.

However, ecclesiastical Latin is pronounced as if it were Italian. Therefore, it is 'Ex-chehl-sees' - the English short 'i' is never used; it should be the vowel in 'see' but shorter, and the 'e' should be given its full value.

[/Latin lesson]
 

Glory, glory in the highest;
Glory, to the Almighty;
Glory to the Lamb of God,
And glory to the living Word;
Glory to the Lamb!

repeat

I give glory, (glory)
Glory, (glory)
Glory, glory to the Lamb!
I give glory, (glory)
Glory, (glory)
Glory, glory to the Lamb!
I give glory to the Lamb!

repeat all.

by the time you're half way through the second time around, the word 'glory' doesn't mean anything and the look of it is weird too.
 

Spirit of God in the clear running water,
Growing to greatness the trees on the hill.
Spirit of God in the finger of morning,

Refrain:
Fill the earth, bring it to birth, and
blow where you will.
Blow, blow, blow till I be,
But breath of the spirit blowing in me.

Down in the meadow the willows are moaning,
Sheep in the pasture land cannot lie still,
Spirit of God, creation is groaning..
Refrain
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Karl:
[Latin lesson]

Excelsis

Point of dispute.

The Romans would have said 'Ex-kehl-seess' - and no 'z' sounds for either s.

However, ecclesiastical Latin is pronounced as if it were Italian. Therefore, it is 'Ex-chehl-sees' - the English short 'i' is never used; it should be the vowel in 'see' but shorter, and the 'e' should be given its full value.

[/Latin lesson]

---

And to get this sound from a choir, you have to have each person singing "egg shells sis". I kid you not - only that way does the overall effect sound proper.
 

Have you heard the raindrops drumming on the rooftops,
Have you heard the raindrops {something} on the ground,
Have you heard the raindrops {something something something}
And running to the rivers all around.

It's water, water of life,
Jesus gives us the water of life
(x2)

In my adult maturity, the chorus just makes me think of whisky. However, as a child we sang for (and yes, it scans):

It's Rupert, Rupert the Bear,
We're all fans of Rupert the Bear.

quote:

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Originally posted by Karl:
It is one of my bugbears that the Bach Society of which I am a member, despite repeated corrections by the conducter still sings 'sanctus' with an English A (as in Southern English 'cat') and 'in' as if it were the English 'in'.

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And it doesn't matter how fine the choir for the latter problem. I sang the Me Minor Bass with a distinguished symphonic chorus last year, practically all of whom had done the piece repeatedly, and the thing most likely to get us yelled at was the "in" issue. Or singing long-o sounds in words like "Hose-anna" or "Doe-minus" rather than the proper short o - "Awsanna" and "Dawminus" for the correct pronunciation.

The egg-shell-sis does remain the best solution to the excelsis problem. It's interesting how many choral tricks there are that done by one person sound obviously wrong or stupid, but done by 200 sound just perfect.
 

This is also the first I've ever heard of Dominus, etc. pronounced with an "aw" sound instead of a long "o."
 

If you think that's bad, you should hear how Okies and Texans pronounce "dominus." It's not uncommon to stretch the "o" to a three-syllable diphthong.

A while back, I came across a recording of the Oklahoma All-State choir that I sang in while in High School. With a sense of anticipation, I played the Durufle "Ubi Caritas." It had been my first exposure to that sublime piece, and to this day it never fails to conjure wonderful memories.

I turned it off after hearing the first line. It is unimaginable what a bunch of Oklahoma teenagers can do to the vowels in the line "Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est." Better we should all have been drowned as infants.

tomb
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Belisarius:
This is also the first I've ever heard of Dominus, etc. pronounced with an "aw" sound instead of a long "o."

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My Latin (quite ecclesiastical) is a cross between Pius XII and the fish market, but I know this problem very well. The odd part is that the vowel in Dominus is neither a long o nor an English "aw" - it is somewhat between the two sounds.

I remember, all too well, the days of RC Benediction, when I always seemed to have someone directly behind me singing, "O Salutaris Hostia" as "Oh Sa-lu-tear-es Ho-stee-a."

Worst of all was trying to get your garden variety choir (and, with a few notable exceptions, RC choirs tended to be dreadful) to perform anything in Gregorian chant. Hopeless to play records of Solesmes - they invariably thought that "reverent" meant "slow."

Of course, when chant involves a large group, and is heard from a distance, it does tend to sound good - regardless of some of the parts involved in the sum. One stereotype that is far from true is that "all nuns have beautiful voices." (They never sat next to some of the nuns that I did...) I remember one lovely Sister who used to intone "Benedictus Dominus Deus Israel" as if she were a cat in agony, and another who sounded absolutely "screechy" (though some of the older, more senile nuns thought she sounded like a little angel.)

In general (and, admittedly, as those who've read my mystery worship reports may have sensed, I have no addiction whatever to children), I've found that, in totally untrained groups (not marvellous boy choirs), children tend to range through at least three keys even singing the simplest of hymns. But there are enough people out there who are so enamoured of children's voices that attempts to point this out are futile.
 

It's a matter of quality versus quantity.

In English, the difference between a long and a short "o" is a matter of a different mouth shape and placement. Compound that with the fact that it's almost impossible not to move our rubbery little English-speaking lips, and hence the sound gets turned into a dipthong.

In Latin, it's a matter of quantity. "long" vowels take longer to pronounce than "short" vowels, but the quality of the vowel doesn't change. Our English-hearing ear interprets the slightly longer sound as a shift in quality or as an "accent." In reality, a long Latin vowel is the same quality as a short Latin vowel.

[/latin lesson]

tomb
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Joan the Dwarf:

Have you heard the raindrops drumming on the rooftops,
Have you heard the raindrops {something} on the ground,
Have you heard the raindrops {something something something}
And running to the rivers all around.

---

As you've made this run round my head, I will have to fill in the gaps....

Have you heard the raindrops drumming on the rooftops,
Have you heard the raindrops dripping on the ground,
Have you heard the raindrops splahing in the streams
And running to the rivers all around.

Chorus

2nd verse...

There's a busy workman, digging in the desert
Digging with a spade that flashes in the sun
Soon there will be water, rising in the wellshaft
Spilling from the bucket as it comes.

Not sure if this is metaphorical, or one of the usual weak attempts to make school-kids think about the 3rd world.

Rachel.
 

quote:

---

another who sounded absolutely "screechy" (though some of the older, more senile nuns thought she sounded like a little angel.)

---

'frin
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Laura:

Doyou know the Saviour died?
raised again in three short days?
Me, the one for whom he died,
Far away he took my sins.
So I'll love him ever more!
Love I never knew before!
T, that stands for Calvary!
That means Je-sus died for Me!

---

Just thought I'd share this with you - it's amazing what you can find when You're bored enough:

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer.
Ray, the guy who brings me beer.
Me, the guy who drinks the beer.
Far, a long way to get beer.
So, I'll have another beer.
La, I'll have another beer.
Tea, no thanks I'm having beer.
That will bring us back to...
(reaching the crescendo of his toast,
Homer looks into his beer mug,
which is empty) ...DOH!!!
--Homer Simpson
 

Here and there, one would find a writer, teacher, or church musician who would use currently popular rock music/lyrics which they attempted to relate to Christian teachings. It was all rather ridiculous, looking back - I thought then, and think now, that most of what they attempted to use as a gospel illustration actually had to do with sex or drugs. I once heard a confirmation class recite "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" at their ceremony, and that was one of the better ones!
 

'frin
 

Thanks to all the contributors. Both and I the choir were wrong in the entire pronounciation, though I'll recommend "egg shell sis" when I go back.
 

Here's another weather-inspired piece of wisdom:

'It's a happy day, and I thank God for the weather,
It's a happy day, living it for my Lord.
It's a happy day, things are gonna get better,
Living each day by the promises in God's word.

It's a grumpy day, and I can't stand the weather,
It's a grumpy day, living it for myself.
It's a grumpy day, and things aren't gonna get better,
Living each day with my Bible up on my shelf.'

So THAT's the answer to the question of suffering. Job and the Psalmists must be kicking themselves, eh?

The really great thing is that this gets included in 'Songs & Hymns of Fluf-I mean Fellowship', while 'Lord for the years' and 'All my hope on God is founded' aren't.

When I take a bath
I think about the Lord
And how he washed away my sins
Let me tell you more...

I can't remember all of it, but I do recall the wonderful line in the chorus:

Jesus fills me up with hope
And washes me with supersoap

Another "favourite" was Binky's song - which had a chorus referring to Jesus coming back riding his white horse over the heavens - all Terry Pratchet fans immediately thought of Death and Binky which destroyed the song completely.

Probably the best for a dreary Sunday morning has to be an Amy Grant number which has the uplifting lyrics

We believe in God, and we all need Jesus
cos life is hard - and it might not get easier...

Hope all your worship experiences this weekend are uplifting!

Scottie
 

there was a song we used to sing bout 5/10 years ago, and the sunday school class group i was in actually thought the chorus went

'and i get so excited lord, everytime i realise i'm a gibbon, i'm a gibbon'!!!!!!

it explained a *lot* about certain of the adults in our church, we felt

Anna B - a better version of *that* christmas carol?

good king wencesles looked out
on the feast of steven
snowball hit him on the snout
made it all uneven
brightly shone the moon that night
though the pain was cruel
til the doctor came in sight
riding on his mule.

it goes on, but i don't remember it properly hth,

viki
 

Showers of blessing,
Showers of blessing we need;
Raindrops around us are falling,
But for the showers we plead.
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ptarmigan:
Weather hymns .. you've reminded me of an old one.

---

Did you have to?! I have just been reminded of one that my children sing in SS.

Have you seen the raindrops
falling from the sky
Have you seen the wind and sno-ow
Any kind of weather
that's all right by me,
ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!

I hate it I tell you, hate it!

bb
 

"Bless the bride, upon her shower . . . . . "

?
CR
 

(echo in parentheses)

Make way!
(Make way!)
Make way!
(Make way!)
For the King of Kings!
(For the King of Kings!)
Make way!
(Make way!)
Make way!
(Make way!)
And let His kingdom in!

I believe only the song leaders liked it...a fellow usher and I would always groan whenever it was flashed up on the OHP.

Admiral H.
 

Who else knows the 'highly- flavoured gravy' carol?