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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Sermons we hope we never hear
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
The topic of today's sermon is:
Are pre-need burial policies unscriptural?
If we accept that Jesus was both fully human yet fully divine, as we must if we wish to avoid heresy, we know he knew in advance he was going to die on the cross. Yet he deliberately chose not to make pre-need burial arrangements which would have spared his mother in her time of grief.
What are the implications of this in terms of salvation theology? And how does it affect our life as Christians today?
At first this seems needlessly cruel and selfish, dare we say "un-Christlike, for such a good son, but if we dig deeper into scripture we find...
[ 30. November 2003, 17:18: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Nightlamp
Shipmate
# 266
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Posted
Hostly note
If I spot the subjects of either gay priests, gay bishop, or anything about gay/lesbianism being right or wrong in this thread I will not be amused.
Nightlamp
Hellhost
End of hostly note
[ 11. August 2003, 13:06: Message edited by: Nightlamp ]
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I don't know what you are talking about so it couldn't have been that important- Nightlamp
Posts: 8442 | From: Midlands | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
The text for today's sermon is taken from the Book of Leviticus. If you would turn in your Bibles to chapter 13 we will begin by reading aloud:
Regulations About Infectious Skin Diseases
1 The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, 2 "When anyone has a swelling or a rash or a bright spot on his skin that may become an infectious skin disease, he must be brought to Aaron the priest or to one of his sons who is a priest. 3 The priest is to examine the sore on his skin, and if the hair in the sore has turned white and the sore appears to be more than skin deep, it is an infectious skin disease.
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Merseymike
Shipmate
# 3022
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Posted
I've always wondered how evangelical Anglican vicars manage to give people who, under their definition, are 'non-Christian', a Christian burial ?
Seems hypocritical to me.
But even worse would be an explanation, at the funeral service , of how the loved one will be enjoying eternity roasting in the fires of hell, as befits one not washed in the blood of the lamb.
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Christianity is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced
Posts: 3360 | From: Walked the plank | Registered: Jul 2002
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Today being the Feast of the Epiphany, rather than a conventional sermon the children of the Sunday School will present their annual Epiphany Pageant, which I know we all so look forward to every year.
Now children, if you will all come to the front of the church. And parents, please feel free to take photographs...
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Ormo
Shipmate
# 4805
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Posted
Knowing our associate minister, a sermon I hope I never hear is entitled:
"What Ormo did"
Posts: 445 | From: Belfast, Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2003
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Merseymike:
I've always wondered how evangelical Anglican vicars manage to give people who, under their definition, are 'non-Christian', a Christian burial ?
Seems hypocritical to me.
But even worse would be an explanation, at the funeral service , of how the loved one will be enjoying eternity roasting in the fires of hell, as befits one not washed in the blood of the lamb.
They usually pretend the person might have made a death-bed conversion that no-one knew about.
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Discrepancies in the Synoptic Gospels
Can we retain our faith in the inerrancy of God's holy word when the Gospels themselves are not consistent?
Today we will look at Matthew 10:29 versus Luke 12:6.
Whereas Matthew says that sparrows are sold two for a penny, Luke's price is five for two pennies. What are we to make of this? That Luke was a better shopper? Or is something more serious happening here?
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
I can think of one particularly pious undertaker who has expressed his displeasure at never hearing a funeral sermon of this kind.
Oh, and my niece got Leviticus 13 as her Bat Mitzvah Portion. The whole Bat Mitzvah was centred on the theme.
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
Oh, and my niece got Leviticus 13 as her Bat Mitzvah Portion. The whole Bat Mitzvah was centred on the theme.
Oh my. Bet the guests had hearty appetites at the party afterward.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
Uh huh! Bearing in mind that this event took place in Minnesota, I think we were very lucky to avoid lutefisk. As it was, the various composed salads and plates of cold cuts did not bear close examination after the sermon.
I've not yet heard a sermon on Judges 21: 'Now the Israelites had sworn at Mizpah, "No one of us shall give his daughter in marriage to Benjamin', illustrated by power-point with stills from The Graduate. But the day will come...
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Since Father Biretta is still on his mission to Ibiza, today's guest preacher from Liverpool will take as his topic:
Evangelicalism and Anglo-Catholicism: Closer than you think!
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Elizabeth Anne
Altar Girl
# 3555
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Posted
There was a Monty Python sketch in which a vicar was about to give a sermon on Leviticus 3:14.
The sermon was not actually delivered, but it could have been interesting.
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Born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes...
Posts: 974 | From: New York | Registered: Nov 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
"The reading today is from a well known childrens song, that has important messages for us today. From Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star .... "
"As it is holiday season ..." ( This means because the preacher has been on holiday, they have not had time to prepare anything. Therefore we are going to get reflections on their holiday. )
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
The Sermon Series for the next few months is "Embracing and Redeeming Popular Culture".
Our first sermon in the series is entitled
The theological and liturgical implications of the song "Walk like an Egyptian".
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Edward Green
Review Editor
# 46
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Posted
Hey a couple of you seem to be paranoid about your preachers knowing what you get up to ...
The sermon I would least like to hear, is one I am preaching:
"May I speak in the name of the Father, the Son ... owww, get off, who are you, hey I know you, I don't care if you ARE Peter Tatchell, look I am out already, and anyway you are embaressing my bishop who is here for the confirmation ....
ohhh ....."
Oh dear I have just broken the only rule on this thread.
[ 11. August 2003, 16:44: Message edited by: Edward Green ]
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blog//twitter//
linkedin
Posts: 4893 | Registered: May 2001
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Chapelhead*
Ship’s Photographer
# 1143
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Posted
"My sermon today has 112 points..."
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Benedikt Gott Geschickt!
Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
"Why I've decided to quit preaching and start selling insurance (or Amway or used cars)."
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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LatinMan
Shipmate
# 1892
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Posted
I offer two:
"Today, I would like to take my shot at the world's longest sermon."
or this:
"One time [LatinMan] told me in confession..."
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* * * + * * *
_ _ _ [o]_ _ _
Posts: 603 | From: The Marches of the Archdiocese of Chicago | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Good morning everyone. Today we're going to try something a little different.
I want you to turn to your neighbor and...
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Sine,
I have so often heard that one that I almost give up hope ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
[ 11. August 2003, 18:24: Message edited by: ken ]
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Or its close cousin "I want you to close your eyes and..."
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Edward Green
Review Editor
# 46
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Posted
Real life ones:
"I am a Postmillenialist; I believe in the Rapture."
(which as any fule kno is a contradiction)
And in any case any sermon that starts:
"Open your Bibles to the 17th verse of the 10th chapter of the book of Romans, 'now Faay-ith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the werd of Gard'"
or of course:
"I believe God is doing somthing new here this morning . . ."
The worst experience was at (junior) school from our ordained head,
"My wife and I enjoy sex very much . . ."
Which was only ecks-usable as she was rather pregnant.
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blog//twitter//
linkedin
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Flounder
Shipmate
# 3859
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Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
quote:
Originally posted by LatinMan:
...."Today, I would like to take my shot at the world's longest sermon."
At my church, the beginning of almost every sermon begins like so:
"Today, I would like to take a few moments to explore....." It means exactly the same thing. ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif) ![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
Posts: 1082 | From: Flounderland | Registered: Dec 2002
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
Today we're going to talk about confession. Let me get us started by telling you about my weekend with Deacon Smith's wife...
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
Today, dear friends, we are going to explore our individual giving and whether or not we have answered the call the Lord God has given to us about commitment to our church. I have gathered the pledges each of you has made and have compared that to what has actually been given by you to date. I'd like to start with . . .
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
This is for real, I swear. Last week according to the notice board, the sermon topic in the Unitarian-Universalist Church up the road was "The History of the Universalist Chruch in Southern California".
Things must be very slow there in the summer. It would surprise me if even the minister showed up.
Greta
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jun 2001
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
+ "Why Kenwritez is never, ever going to Heaven"
+ "A presentation of my best-fitting underwear"
+ "A list of our congregation's secret sins"
+ "A detailed explanation of the TCP/IP network transmission protocol"
+ "Jesus: Just another figment of our imagination"
+ "Is necrophilia a sin?"
+ "Welcome to colostomy bag and hernia scar Sunday!"
+ "Pantomime church fathers"
+ "Part 1 of 27: Process theology highlights"
+ "Sex solicitation - the new evangelism explosion"
+ "Ship of Fools as evangelical Protestants"
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
"Hurrrumph. Good morning. Uh, that is to say GOOD morning. Hurrrumph. Uh, welcome. Er, I, uhm, seem to .....have ah misplaced or um perhaps even lost my what do you call them?.... sermon notes, that's it----so, uh, I will....I mean I shall speak to you uhm from .....my hurrrumph heart."
Greta
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
quote:
Our first sermon in the series is entitled:
The theological and liturgical implications of the song "Walk like an Egyptian".
Verrrrry funny. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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flutterpink
Shipmate
# 4567
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Posted
Real life one from last sunday:
"Now, since we're approaching our 12th week in the book of Romans, open your Bibles to Romans Chapter 2 verses 12-16..."
It's going to be a long year. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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"I'd rather have a minute of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothin special." Steel Magnolias
Posts: 358 | From: nacogdoches | Registered: May 2003
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
A meditation on Judges ix, 50-54
quote:
50. Then Abimelech went to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it.
51. But there was a strong tower with the city, and all the people of the city fled to it, all the men and women, and shut themselves in; and they went to the roof of the tower.
52. And Abimelech came to the tower, and fought against it, and drew near to the door of the tower to burn it with fire.
53. And a certain woman threw an upper millstone upon Abimelech's head, and crushed his skull.
54. Then he called hastily to the young man his armor-bearer and said to him, "Draw your sword and kill me, lest men say of me, 'A woman killed him.'" And his young man thrust him through, and he died.
Being the 37th of a series of 82 meditations on why the ordination of women is against God's will.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
quote:
"Now, since we're approaching our 12th week in the book of Romans, open your Bibles to Romans Chapter 2 verses 12-16..."
This is a joke at our church. Our minister will preface a new textual study by saying, "Now we're not going to spend EVERY Sunday for the next ___ weeks in the book of ________, and this is NOT going to be a 'series'." We all just laugh, because we know better by now. (He laughs, too.)
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by CorgiGreta:
"Hurrrumph. Good morning. Uh, that is to say GOOD morning. Hurrrumph. Uh, welcome. Er, I, uhm, seem to .....have ah misplaced or um perhaps even lost my what do you call them?.... sermon notes, that's it----so, uh, I will....I mean I shall speak to you uhm from .....my hurrrumph heart."
Greta
Were you at my church on Sunday last Greta? About a quarter of the sermon was taken up with this kind of waffle. To be fair, the other three-quarters wasn't bad. We had one of our elderly retired ministers preaching and he was awfully nervous.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
quote:
Ok, I did it the other way round. I used to sell used cars (and new ones too) and now I preach occassionally. I didn't realise it was a cardinal sin.
Oh, of course, it isn't. But I've had contact with way too many preachers who go into the "selling" game of something or another, and they tend to use their members as potential clients. It can be very awkward (and REALLY annoying), to say the least.
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Gremlin
Ship's Cryptanalyst
# 129
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
"As it is holiday season ..." ( This means because the preacher has been on holiday, they have not had time to prepare anything. Therefore we are going to get reflections on their holiday. )
Actually, I've heard this one... it's where the preacher goes on about how this shabby taxi driver he met in Jerusalem actually owned a fleet of Mercedes taxis and deserved to be murdered on the street.
Gremlin.
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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
Posts: 5221 | From: Isle of Man | Registered: May 2001
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Gremlin
Ship's Cryptanalyst
# 129
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kenwritez:
+ "A detailed explanation of the TCP/IP network transmission protocol"
And the problem with this one is what? ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
All seven layers, please!
Gremlin,
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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
Posts: 5221 | From: Isle of Man | Registered: May 2001
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Alt Wally
Cardinal Ximinez
# 3245
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Posted
Religious significance of the Incredible Mr. Limpet.
Posts: 3684 | Registered: Aug 2002
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
'How wonderful my previous church was'
(the implication being.....) ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
As an aside, telling congregation how God filled the preacher's need for a holiday by prompting a generous parishioner to lend the family his holiday home free of charge - 'and as it happens, I have been praying for a new car, so if anyone listening has a spare car they don't mind giving me - ha ha ha, ONLY JOKING, though of course I actually do ned a car, so......'
I have heard variants on this several times.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Since we've segued into real sermons we've heard.
One of my rector's favorites...
You're all cowards for Christ and need to take some risks, or why do you bother showing up on Sundays? This isn't a social club.
She tends to stare at the choir at this point.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
"The Gentle, Loving, Christlike Way
To Break The News To Your Neighbor
That He Is Hellbound
And That Devils Will Crawl
Into His Unmentionable Places
For All Eternity"
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not far from stuff I've heard..
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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St. Cuervo
Son of a Son of a Sailor
# 4725
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Merseymike:
I've always wondered how evangelical Anglican vicars manage to give people who, under their definition, are 'non-Christian', a Christian burial ?
You might have missed this one...
Priest on non-Christian burials
I guess this would be my vote for a sermon I never wish to hear. Especially at my own funeral!
Cheers,
St. C.
[ 12. August 2003, 02:14: Message edited by: St. Cuervo ]
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I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked... angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night...
Posts: 295 | From: Falls Church, VA | Registered: Jul 2003
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Oh no! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
That was a Catholic priest, not an Evengelical Anglican vicar.
Maybe he used to be an Evengelical Anglican vicar who crossed the Tiber at the ordination of women.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
I once heard a sermon about how all lawyers wear Harris Tweed jackets with leather elbow patches and are headed for Hell. Needless to say, I was a law student wearing a Harris Tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. Fortunately, I slept through most of the rest of the sermon. No use worrying about Hell until you have to.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Pax Romana
Shipmate
# 4653
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Posted
"Let your women keep silent in the churches." I make a LOT of noise in my church. Just ask anybody who passes in front of me when I am singing!!
The yearly appeal for money, especially if the appeal is coming from the bishop, who has usually sent out a long, boring, begging letter to be read from the pulpit of all the parish churches.
Anything that reminds me of catechism classes in elementary school.
Posts: 4598 | From: New York City | Registered: Jun 2003
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Pax Romana
Shipmate
# 4653
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Posted
I thought of one more, but for some reason I was not allowed to edit my earlier post!
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
The most entertainingly obnoxious sermon I ever heard was delivered by an opinionated, hellfire-and-brimstone priest on Easter Sunday (or was it Christmas Day? It was a long time ago.). He lamblasted everybody in the church who only attended Mass on Easter and Christmas! Nobody slept through that one, but I don't think he exactly encouraged any lax churchgoers to come back for more!
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I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
James Thurber
Posts: 4598 | From: New York City | Registered: Jun 2003
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