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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Are you an extrovert?
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
I don’t think there are many on the Ship, but there must be some ![[Smile]](smile.gif) I am and I live with an introvert, we are on quite extreme ends of the sprectrums (spectra?) too. I’ve been looking online for ‘how to live with an introvert’ help. But it’s all helping us extroverts to understand introverts. I can’t find anything at all on helping introverts understand us extroverts.
Don’t get me wrong, we rub along pretty well all things considered, we’ve been together for 42 years. But I do think a lot of this is due to me adapting and not the other way around.
I really don’t want lots of ‘what it’s like to be an introvert’ answers. I think I’m really good at giving him his space and putting no pressure on him. Every year he goes away alone at least four times (yes, truly alone!), sometimes for 12 weeks at a time. I have no problem whatever with this.
When I have something important to discuss I give him about four days notice so that he’s got processing time
I always like arguments (not rows) for sorting things out and clearing the air, it’s the way my family did it. He hates it, so I don’t do it at all.
I keep the dinner parties/coffee mornings/social events here at home to a reasonable minimum which he’s happy with. I happily go to parties etc on my own if he doesn’t want to go.
etc etc
But how can I get him to understand me and my needs better? I have found nothing and I think it’s time
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
What would him understanding your needs better look like?
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
What would him understanding your needs better look like?
A conversation where he asks some questions, seems to show some interest. He’s fine if it’s one of his subjects, but if it’s one of mine I just get silence. Not passive aggressive silence just total lack of engagement/interest. Btw I am not over chatty at all, I love a chat, of course, but I’m very good at turn taking in conversation.
I’d love to find some people with the same problem.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to do that. Would couples therapy help?
I would say that I am at the extrovert edge of a very introverted culture and industry. But I learned how to do that. Someone taught me a great word the other day. It's from the Yiddish: tummler. A tummler is the person who elicits audience participation, who gets people into the game. You need a tummler, but I'm not sure how you'd find one.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to do that. Would couples therapy help?
I would say that I am at the extrovert edge of a very introverted culture and industry. But I learned how to do that. Someone taught me a great word the other day. It's from the Yiddish: tummler. A tummler is the person who elicits audience participation, who gets people into the game. You need a tummler, but I'm not sure how you'd find one.
Great word
I’m good at tummling in my job, but not at home.
He’s not at all selfish btw. Monday last week was really snowy. He wasn’t using the car but I was, he went out and spent half an hour clearing the car and drive without me asking and without saying a thing.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Caissa
Shipmate
# 16710
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Posted
I am introvert married to an individual on the more social end of introversion. I work with many introverts although being in university student services, we have many students who are extroverts. I have always found that the more explicit extroverts are in describing their needs/expectations, the more likely introverts are to address those needs.
Posts: 972 | From: Saint John, N.B. | Registered: Oct 2011
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Caissa:
I am introvert married to an individual on the more social end of introversion. I work with many introverts although being in university student services, we have many students who are extroverts. I have always found that the more explicit extroverts are in describing their needs/expectations, the more likely introverts are to address those needs.
Yes - and I have just started, I can’t think why it took 42 years! Could be due to retirement plus empty nest which means we are in each other’s company much more than ever before.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
The social pressure to present oneself as extroverted seems quite high today whether one's personality is is introverted or extroverted. Functional extroverts. It takes lots of energy to do it the way opposite your personality and preference.
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
But how can I get him to understand me and my needs better? I have found nothing and I think it’s time
Tell him. Give him a few days notice, then sit him down and talk to him about your need for human interaction. Tell him you need to have conversations on a regular basis in just the same way as he needs quiet.
Perhaps you can agree that some parts of the day are "conversation times" when he'll not refuse to engage in conversation, and other times of the day are peace and quiet times when you'll leave him alone.
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
I will watch this thread with interest. The North East Man and I are probably similar in terms of introversion / extroversion, but when he is thinking he needs both time and space. As he thinks a lot, we probably run into similar issues as you.
One extrovert / introvert difference is that I know a lot of people casually - neighbours, people from church, people whose kids were at school with our kids, whereas somehow he just doesn't have casual aquaintances.
Every so often we have a conversation which goes as follows:
Me: Wee Josh is in hospital: he tried using a space hopper on his trampoline and came off and fractured his skull. There's a request for prayers.
Him: Who is wee Josh?
Me: You know, Moira from church's grandson. She's asked for prayers.
Him: Who is Moira from church?
Me: She sits on the other side from us, a couple of rows in front of Shona.
Him: Shona??
Me: Shona who's using a walking stick just now. Waiting for a hip replacement. Anyway, you do know Moira. Moira lives across from Jill, you know the house with the Japanese Acer?
Him: Jill?
Me: Actually, you've met wee Josh. He was one of the Boys Brigade helping at the fete. We were speaking to his Mum.
Him: I have no idea who any of these people are.
Next day:
Me: Good news about wee Josh. He's had a good night in hospital and is on the mend.
Him: Who is wee Josh?
This sort of conversation frustrates me and annoys him.
Oddly enough, we find we communicate well apart. If he's at conference etc and we are e-mailing it's often better than when we are in the same room. I'm less likely to go off at a tangent in an e-mail, and he has time to process.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Cottontail
Shipmate
# 12234
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
What would him understanding your needs better look like?
A conversation where he asks some questions, seems to show some interest. He’s fine if it’s one of his subjects, but if it’s one of mine I just get silence. Not passive aggressive silence just total lack of engagement/interest.
While you know the dynamics of your relationship best, I am not sure this is just a question about introversion meets extroversion. There are many introverts who are fantastic listeners, maybe even because they are generally quiet and non-intrusive. As an introvert myself, I actually find it easier to listen to and talk about other people's interests rather than my own, because I feel less 'exposed', and I prefer the focus to be on the other person.
I think the added dimension to your relationship is whether a person is task-oriented or people-oriented. My extrovert sister is a hopeless listener, because she is so task oriented. (A classic line of hers, when asked if her husband had recovered from the flu, was "No, and I hope he gets better soon, or I'll never get the bathroom painted."!!) I should add that she and her very introverted husband have a great relationship, perhaps because he is very task-oriented as well!
So perhaps your challenge is not just to get your introverted husband listening to your extroverted self, but to get your task-oriented husband listening to your people-oriented self. Just a thought.
Posts: 2377 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jan 2007
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BabyWombat
Shipmate
# 18552
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Posted
Retirement can indeed bring about those changes! Hubby and I both score as introverts. However my employment (teacher, priest, healthcare admin) rather forced me to learn extrovert like behavior. (I still hate coffee hour however, and that first visit to the homebound is painful for me).
Hubby retired 3 years ahead of me, and established his day plan: breakfast, morning walk about town, then sitting in his recliner to read 50 pages of whatever thick tome he was into, then planning and shopping for dinner, then processing the mail… etc. All very orderly and solitary until I came home from work.
I retired…… and was eager to read and discuss world news, chatter about the neighbors, suggest a spontaneous fun outing of a sunny day, ask whether we should have geraniums on the porch or something else……. But that recliner called and those 50 pages needed to be read in silence. I did indeed get annoyed.
Reading to him from this thread just now he reminded me of his repeated telling me that I need to ask for what I need, and he will gladly try to provide it. But expecting him to mind read is not productive. So perhaps discussion in some safe place -- a counselor, one’s church leader, may help.
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Let us, with a gladsome mind…..
Posts: 102 | From: US | Registered: Feb 2016
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Oddly enough, we find we communicate well apart. If he's at conference etc and we are e-mailing it's often better than when we are in the same room. I'm less likely to go off at a tangent in an e-mail, and he has time to process.
This made me think. So I sent him an email. He was in the same room. He opened it, read it - then said nothing at all! I included this link. An hour or so later I asked if he’d read my email. He laughed (embarrassed) then we had a reasonable(ish) chat about it. It’s a start!
He’s got a ticket to go to a big Match at Wembley but can’t decide whether to go as it involves a long drive with friends. Torture!
quote:
Originally posted by Cottontail:
So perhaps your challenge is not just to get your introverted husband listening to your extroverted self, but to get your task-oriented husband listening to your people-oriented self. Just a thought.
Thanks, I’ve never heard those two terms before, I shall look into it.
quote:
Originally posted by BabyWombat:
Reading to him from this thread just now he reminded me of his repeated telling me that I need to ask for what I need, and he will gladly try to provide it. But expecting him to mind read is not productive.
I gave that up years and years ago I sense what people are feeling, he doesn’t.
To be fair this is a quite recent need of mine as my sources of caring company have dwindled. I loved to chat on the phone to my Mum and Dad and visit often. My sons were - and still are - brilliant company. But Mum and Dad died and my sons have moved far away. My brother lives with us three days a week, this really does help to keep me sane!
quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
Perhaps you can agree that some parts of the day are "conversation times" when he'll not refuse to engage in conversation, and other times of the day are peace and quiet times when you'll leave him alone.
Peace and quiet times when I leave him alone - that’s most of the day. It’s the conversation times I’d like to find a way of starting. Just ten minutes a day would do.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Well, what would you do if you lived alone?
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie jon:
Well, what would you do if you lived alone?
Jengie
I’ve asked myself that question - I’d be lonelier as silent company is better than none.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by BabyWombat:
Retirement can indeed bring about those changes! Hubby and I both score as introverts. However my employment (teacher, priest, healthcare admin) rather forced me to learn extrovert like behavior. (I still hate coffee hour however, and that first visit to the homebound is painful for me).
Same here - teaching released my inner extrovert but coffee after church remains painful.
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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