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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Planning your own funeral? Why?
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Galloping Granny
Shipmate
# 13814
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Posted
Like other people I know, I've made a note for my family to refer to when it comes to organising my funeral.
We're looking at a church funeral, followed by cremation and either interment of the ashes in the family plot or scattering at a selected place.
Let them sing 'Be Thou my Vision' in the version of words and tune that I learned... let someone read Donne's 'Death, be not proud' (though I have an open mind on an afterlife) and Henley's Margarita Sororae, but I haven't chosen a bible passage yet.
So why leave instructions? I won't be there!
I'm coming to the conclusion that it's a kind of message to friends and family; a statement of where I stand as I leave.
What do others think?
Are you leaving such plans?
What do you think is their purpose?
GG
PS: I intend to be around for quite a few years yet!
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The Kingdom of Heaven is spread upon the earth, and men do not see it. Gospel of Thomas, 113
Posts: 2629 | From: Matarangi | Registered: Jun 2008
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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574
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Posted
I've left strict instructions. Under no circumstances am I to be cremated. Rather I'm to be buried with all the funeral rites. I do believe that it helps the deceased.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
The nice thing about being Orthodox is there's nothing to plan. Every layperson gets the same funeral. Wrap my decaying ass in pine and say the prayers.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
I have no living relatives, so I'll be writing plans for my own service. I've bought my niche in our parish columbarium, and I plan to pre-pay the cost of cremation.
I know I won't be physically present, but I want to plan it since this is how people will remember me.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772
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Posted
Funerals are for the living. If you make plans, you simplify things for your survivors and you avoid having someone push in something that you would rather not represent you. Not everyone wants their funeral service to be conducted by an Elvis Impersonator.
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011
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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
Funerals are for the living. If you make plans, you simplify things for your survivors and you avoid having someone push in something that you would rather not represent you. Not everyone wants their funeral service to be conducted by an Elvis Impersonator.
It depends what you believe, of course, but I certainly believe that the prayer of the Church helps the deceased in the next life. The funeral rites are definitely for the deceased. But then this is one of the advantages, as Mousethief pointed out, of the liturgy - this is what we do and that's it.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
I've left strict instructions. Under no circumstances am I to be cremated. Rather I'm to be buried with all the funeral rites. I do believe that it helps the deceased.
There's no guarantee those instructions will be carried out. If you should die penniless, for instance, it may not be possible, or even if your relatives simply choose to ignore your instructions very little can be done about it. Funeral arrangements are one of the only (or possibly the only) part of a will that can't be legally enforced.
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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MrsBeaky
Shipmate
# 17663
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Posted
My husband and I have both started writing "Notes in the event of my death" which contain all sorts of information about finance etc. as well as funeral stuff.
My father-in-law died without such notes and it was a bit of a headache for his three sons.
My own father was a complete contrast -the army officer to the end. He began his notes 25 years before he died and would regularly call my brothers and I to come and read the updated version. His aim was twofold- to minimise stress for us all at a difficult time and to ensure a funeral that reflected his life including his superb organisational skills.
Thus the notes included incredibly specific timings which he worked out by driving his Volvo through the streets of Richmond at the speed of a hearse ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I still smile as I think of the other poor people that day struggling to negotiate the roads with my Dad sailing before them.....
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"It is better to be kind than right."
http://davidandlizacooke.wordpress.com
Posts: 693 | From: UK/ Kenya | Registered: Apr 2013
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
A couple of things to mention:
When we buried my father last month, we knew he'd written out an order of service, with hymns and readings. He told us he'd put it in the safe. Inevitably, my mum found it under a pile of old shirts after the order of service we'd cobbled together after he'd died had gone to print. (Ours was better, she said, and that was that.) Make sure that your own arrangements are widely known and obviously somewhere obvious.
Secondly, while it's a kindness to make arrangements beforehand, we don't have any guarantee of how and where we go. If there's a global pandemic, or we're in the middle of a ruinous civil war, the best we can hope for is a mass grave, or a ditch somewhere.
A scrape in the ground and a few words are all the dead need. The fancy bits are for the living.
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
I don't mind what they do at the funeral, but I have asked for my ashes to be scattered at sea in the same place as Mum and Dad's - by a lighthouse.
I have also left my password to the Ship and instructions to let you all know where I have gone - I have good friends here and wouldn't want to just fall off the edge without them knowing.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
FFS (seriously),
My mother died earlier this year and her wishes amounted to "cremation."
If you've not been through it, I can only envy the unawareness of the chaos of numb, grief-stricken close relatives trying to work out/second guess what they should do for the best - hymns, readings, other music, what to do with the ashes, etc.
*that's* why you plan your own funeral. And then, you Write It Down.
As a result, I did mine, and I'm 34. Giving it some thought is the kindest thing for everyone else.
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
Btw, Mrs Beaky, your Dad sounds like he was awesome!
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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SusanDoris
Incurable Optimist
# 12618
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Posted
I haven't actually written anything down, but both my sons know that the least expense involved, the better. I suggest that they organise a venue for a glass of something and a sandwich in case there's anybody left who (a) is mobile, and (b) feels they'd like to share a memory or two with others who have known me!
I have also said that I want no euphemisms like 'passed away' etc. I'll be [dead, I will be, like the parrot, dead]!! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
[ 29. November 2014, 08:07: Message edited by: SusanDoris ]
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I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Posts: 3083 | From: UK | Registered: May 2007
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
At least five years before Dad died, he asked me to help him put together a funeral service according to his wishes. This included what was to be said and sung and the incidental music. He also requested a private family cremation followed by lunch at the Botanical Gardens (his favourite place) and then a memorial service at the church. The actual memorial service was a mixture of Choral Evensong and the funeral service in the BCP and was a wonderful event full of what we all knew Dad wanted. When I presented the folder to the minister after Dad died he was stunned to have the entire service in his hands, but to the family there was no surprise as Dad was always so organised. An amusing note was that Dad asked the organist at the time of planning his funeral if he was able to play certain Bach pieces at his funeral service. The poor organist was a bit shocked and asked if there was something he needed to know about Dad's health.
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Mudfrog
Shipmate
# 8116
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Posted
I conducted a funeral where the brother and sister fell out because one wanted burial and the other wanted cremation. One said she just knew that Dad wanted burial but the brother insisted on cremation.
It was his preference over her knowledge of what Dad wanted. He won.
Leave a plan. It saves arguments.
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"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 8237 | From: North Yorkshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2004
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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967
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Posted
It's also a question of money, though. It's no good planning an imposing service and burial if you don't have the money, or if your relatives would rather spend your cash on something else.
As for the choice of hymns, most people only know a handful of them anyway, so there's not much point in sweating over that unless most of your friends and family have a church background and will join in the singing.
I do like the idea of preparing my funeral in advance, but if I live a long life and die in the UK I'm not sure that my remaining family members here will be all that keen to follow my instructions to the letter. I have the feeling that our particular cultural traditions will be seriously on the wane by mid-century.
Posts: 6668 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012
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Pine Marten
Shipmate
# 11068
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Posted
When the first Mr Marten died all I knew was that he wanted to be cremated.
I have written notes for my own funeral (filed in the cabinet along with copies of our wills), with preferred hymns and readings, as well as other instructions. It helps those left behind enormously, as betjemaniac points out eloquently above. Don't give your relatives more grief than they will have to bear already.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. - Oscar Wilde
Posts: 1731 | From: Isle of Albion | Registered: Feb 2006
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
It is a kindness to your family to pre-plan your funeral. As has been observed, the survivors are typically in shock and overwhelmed with sadness. If you do not pre-plan they will likely be faced with a oh so sympathetic funeral director who will help them ensure that "momma" or "daddy" gets only the best because; "You know they deserve it."
Nothing against funeral directors. That is an honorable living and a necessary one. Still, a funeral with embalming, a fancy casket, a vault, a burial plot and a head marker can easily cost $16,000.00, plus. Is it fair to your family to have to quickly lay out that kind of money while they are grieving? If you want the grand send off you probably ought to make arrangements to pay for it yourself.
Just as a piece of information, if you have a viewing in the US you will have to be embalmed. So, if you plan on being cremated you might think of doing so before the funeral service as that will save a bunch of money. Even then a cremation and service can easily pop up around $2,000.00.
You may also want to ask yourself if you want the last view your family has of you to be a very dead looking corpse wearing a lot of makeup. Just saying.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Our former organist/Churchwarden died last summer (she was only 50, and had been ill for 3-4 years, bless her). She left Very Strict Instructions as to ALL details of her Funeral Mass and Burial - all of which were carried out to the letter, bearing in mind her avowed intention to Come And Haunt Us if they weren't - and she meant it, so we did..... ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
As has been observed, the survivors are typically in shock and overwhelmed with sadness. If you do not pre-plan they will likely be faced with a oh so sympathetic funeral director who will help them ensure that "momma" or "daddy" gets only the best because; "You know they deserve it."
If the family belongs to a church, the best thing to do is talk first with your clergy and have them go with you when you talk to the funeral director.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
I prepaid my funeral in Canada many years back. As for the service, it helps that my Church has a funeral liturgy and, in this diocese, no eulogies.
Eulogies are for the Knees Up after the funeral.
I suppose I should do a list of suggested hymns. Very few of my family are churched, and of those who are, only a handful are observant (as opposed to Cultural) Catholics.
If I die in India, my friend has instructions to cremate, organise a memorial mass, and scatter exactly where I have asked. The Knees Up after the death is a given.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Poppy
Ship's dancing cat
# 2000
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Posted
I'm about to do a funeral for an elderly man who loved classical music. I've had to choose the music for the service because he didn't leave instructions, the rest of the family don't know anything about classical music and they had already taken most of his CDs down to the charity shop by the time I got there.
This search for music happens at about one in three funeral visits I go to. The last one I did where the family knew mum was musical but didn't know the names of any pieces. For this one I was able go through the music on the piano to work out what she liked to play and produce a service that her friends recognised as being true to her taste in music. It is very odd that people want personalised funerals but don't leave instructions about something as personal as the music.
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At the still point of the turning world - there the dance is...
Posts: 1406 | From: mostly on the edge | Registered: Dec 2001
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
Another vote here for leaving funeral instructions. My mum left no detail uncovered - hymns, reading, music, even down to her express wish that there was to be a committal at the church gate and no one was to go to the crematorium - "Go and have a party!" With the verbal proviso to us all that, "If it isn't possible, anything you plan will be fine."
This was a huge help at a difficult time and a great contrast with trying to plan my brother's funeral nine months previously. He had left no instructions and his partner and I had a number of painful conversations along the lines of, "What about this?" "But he didn't believe any of that." "Well, what then?" "I don't know." I still feel we didn't do it as well as we could have; no such qualms about my mum's.
Mr Nen and I are currently revisiting our wills and he wants to be cremated and in our current wills I've asked for burial. Mr Nen doesn't understand this at all, from a taking-up-of-space and environmentally friendly point of view. I just think cremation seems a terribly violent thing to do to a body that has served you well for so many years. What do Shipmates think?
Nen - who works for a charity and occasionally has to deal with In Memory donations via a funeral director called Burnham and Sons.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
The Episcopal Diocese of Arizona offers end of life resources, including a planning booklet which I have downloaded but just begun to fill out.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
One reason to pre-plan, I guess - my Dad's funeral was someone else's, not his. The clergy guy who had never met him chose what he thought good funeral hymns instead of the ones Dad liked, rejected the one page resume Mom handed him - which would give people who knew him only from Boy Scouts or only from Easter Seal Society or only from work or etc a broader picture - held it up saying "I have a resume of his life here but you all know him so I won't read it" and instead gave a glowing description of a man who devoted all his energy to his family - untrue. Generic ideal husband and father. Not my father! His real good points were totally ignored.
Grandma left a note of a hymn she wanted but no one of us knew it, probably from an earlier version of the hymnal. Today with internet it would be findable but not then.
One friend told me she put a poem she wrote in her safe deposit box at the bank to be read at her funeral. She died on a Thursday night, the funeral was Sunday, if anyone had thought to look in the bank box they couldn't have gotten to it before the funeral.
I keep thinking I need to put a list of "in case of my death" on the fridge. No one here has any clue what if any family I have. With finances being all on line, how do survivors find the banks and brokers? Some day somebody is going to be dealing with a body of a person with no known connections.
But pre-paying - I don't hope to stay here the rest of my life! If I succeed in moving to the mountains and make new connections there, how strange to have the funeral be in a place I had left long ago. (But with no family I doubt there will be a funeral, who would come with no grieving family to support?)
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Ad Orientem
Shipmate
# 17574
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
I just think cremation seems a terribly violent thing to do to a body that has served you well for so many years. What do Shipmates think?
Yeah. Burial in an eastward orientation is a sign of a our hope in the resurrection. Apart from that cremation is what the heathens do.
Posts: 2606 | From: Finland | Registered: Feb 2013
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
I just think cremation seems a terribly violent thing to do to a body that has served you well for so many years. What do Shipmates think?
I feel the opposite - I hate the idea of my earthy body being slowly eaten by worms, even 'tho I don't need it any more. I would far rather it be burnt quickly to ash, then scattered at sea to be fish food and/or join the sea floor sand!
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
I hope people will:
i) Make sure I really am dead.
ii) Ensure that the funeral and disposal of the remains are as cheap as possible, and that the words and music challenge any atheists present. Especially those of the family. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
iii) Put on a proper party afterwards with no pork pies or ham sandwiches.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Yes, I have, because I don't want people spending time, money or emotions on things I wouldn't want.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
I think it a good thing to talk about it, and to pass onto our closest friends and family the aspects of our funeral which are very important to us, especially burial/cremation and church service/non church service.
While it's good to organise the whole thing to try to help those left behind, the funeral should help them in the grieving process and, while we might think it amusing to have 'Always look on the bright side of life' play everyone out, they might not be amused however much they put on a brave face. Therefore, I think that a note should be added to say which aspects are important to us and which may be changed to their taste.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Ahleal V
Shipmate
# 8404
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Posted
I have heard of a priest who makes funeral planning part of his course for adult confirmands.
I have done so. It was a rather sobering act. The Guild of All Souls encourage their members to include a statement of faith for their wills and such. I quite like it:
quote:
I die in the Holy, Catholic and Apostolic faith of our Lord Jesus Christ as it has been received and taught in the Church of England. I commend my soul to almighty God and trusting in his mercy, implore forgiveness of all my sins. I beg forgiveness of all whom I have injured and I freely forgive those who desire forgiveness of me.
x
AV
Posts: 499 | From: English Spires | Registered: Aug 2004
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
They all know what the two ideas I have are.
1. Do it in a church
2. Leave out Amazing Grace
The first because I think churches is where I have felt best when I've gone to funerals. The second because Amazing Grace is played constantly, all the time on the Canadian prairies, very much overused. I expect the no AG will have no issue because it is part of a general family discussion. Both of these are at the level of "please", not orders.
Which leads me to the logical thing to do: tell your loved ones your ideas.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Galilit
Shipmate
# 16470
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Posted
Mum had a pre-paid funeral - set up decades ago so by the time she actually died there was a 20% profit on the costs versus the "pre-paid with accrued interest" sum!
I wrote the liturgy and eulogy with the Funeral Celebrant woman (who was an Anglican lay-reader and who I am sure would have made a wonderful priest had she been born a generation and a half later).
As for myself - I toss a suggestion or two to Dear Partner every funeral we go to.
But he keeps forgetting where I have stashed my will and an old insurance policy so I guess it will be made up as they go along.
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She who does Her Son's will in all things can rely on me to do Hers.
Posts: 624 | From: a Galilee far, far away | Registered: Jun 2011
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
They all know what the two ideas I have are.
1. Do it in a church
2. Leave out Amazing Grace
I have threatened to rise up from my ashes and leave the service if anyone so much as hums "Amazing Grace."
I plan to choose my hymns, but there are so many that I love -- as well as so much other music -- my funeral could turn into a concert. (Maybe they could have a hymn sing at the reception.)
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
The rector at our church is a preacher of astounding power and grace. His second-in-command, alas! has a weakness for PowerPoint slides and videos and pop culture. Unfortunately there is no way to predict which of these gents will be delivering the homily at my funeral (assuming they and I are still at this church when I go). So I have instructed my husband that if Rev.B is on deck there is to be a list of things he is not allowed to resort to, mention, or beam up onto the screen in the sanctuary. This includes: All movies. All popular songs. All commercials (I am not kidding!). All TV shows. All LOLcat material, in fact all animal images period. He is allowed to refer to books, and I may, as a special benison, allow him to refer to comic books. But that's it. One must draw the line somewhere.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
I just think cremation seems a terribly violent thing to do to a body that has served you well for so many years. What do Shipmates think?
Yeah. Burial in an eastward orientation is a sign of a our hope in the resurrection. Apart from that cremation is what the heathens do.
Except it's also what very many Christians do and have been doing for a long time now. Maybe not your personal and particular tradition, but no less part of those particular Christians' tradition for burial nevertheless and deserving of respect. Simply because 'heathens' may do a certain thing, doesn't make the practice itself 'heathen'.
Planning a funeral. Good idea. Clergy (except Belle Ringer's, naturally) are usually delighted when they've got real info provided by the deceased and their family/friends to go on. Makes the whole thing much better and much easier. Even in liturgical churches where there is a fairly tight run-through of the ceremonies, it really helps to have personal preferences.
Personally, I'm inclining more and more to Inspector Morse's nothing-at-all approach. I have no partner or children, and frankly I don't think any remaining close family that might be around when I pop my clogs will want to be, or should be burdened with any services or ceremonies concerning some peripherally-situated old maiden aunt - good for a laugh or two, but unlikely to necessitate any ceremonious process of grieving or journeying on, as one would with someone who is of important intimate significance.
Straight from mortuary to graveside, with the funeral director doing the necessary will be ample.
If God is a God of justice and mercy, I can't see how any amount of post-mortem religiosity is going to affect my experience of the after-life. He'll do what is just and right to do because that's his nature, surely?
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
My funeral instructions are lodged with the incumbent. The benefice has a filing cabinet full of funeral requests.
Mine is to be a requiem mass - I want purple vestments not whiter (white is for children and virgins!)
I have chosen hymns and intercessions themed around the causes I have been involved with.
Once the coffin has been censed and sprinkled at the end, just the priest and a server to go fore the commital at the crem.
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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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Mamacita
Lakefront liberal
# 3659
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Posted
My church will be offering a series of sessions around end-of-life issues in the upcoming year. We started out with a discussion about funeral planning. The Rector had a standard form for us to fill out regarding our preferred readings (the BCP79 has many options), Rite 1 or 2, choice of hymns, and other instructions. Our organist led a hymn-sing on the parish hall's piano. And we had a "comfort food" pot-luck dinner (wonderful starchy things like mac & cheese, chicken pot pie, lots of pies!). You would think this would be a gloomy gathering but it was kept quite light-hearted and loving. People shared memories of loss and it was very touching. And our Rector got a file full of first-draft funeral plans, just in case.
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Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
Posts: 20761 | From: where the purple line ends | Registered: Dec 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
A dear woman at our church had suffered from kidney failure for years, had gotten a transplant, but that organ eventually failed, too. It got to the point where dialysis caused her blood pressure to go through the roof, and having no dialysis of course slowly poisoned her, so she decided to throw in and go into hospice care. She really wanted to save her husband stress, so she planned to donate her body to science, and planned a complete memorial and reception, AND reserved the church for the memorial date. This she based on how long she would last without dialysis. Surprise! Her kidneys evidently had a bit of life yet, and she lived past the date she had chosen. Not by very long, but it was a bit of a cosmic joke.
I visited her in hospice twice, and she was the same caring, practical woman she had always been through thick and thin. God bless Caroline. ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif) ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:
It's also a question of money, though. It's no good planning an imposing service and burial if you don't have the money, or if your relatives would rather spend your cash on something else.
As for the choice of hymns, most people only know a handful of them anyway, so there's not much point in sweating over that unless most of your friends and family have a church background and will join in the singing.
I do like the idea of preparing my funeral in advance, but if I live a long life and die in the UK I'm not sure that my remaining family members here will be all that keen to follow my instructions to the letter. I have the feeling that our particular cultural traditions will be seriously on the wane by mid-century.
Some observations.
Svitlana I've quoted your post because I've got some specific thoughts, but they go for many people.
as an ex forces person, I first gave this some thought when we were deployed on operations. Sitting there, as a junior officer, aged 23, filling in a will and funeral intentions form, surrounded by 18 year olds doing the same doesn't half focus the mind....
In the case of my mother, who unchurched herself aged 32 or so when the local church went evangelical, she knew it was going to be Anglican, which narrowed it down slightly, but that still left room for argument. Not just hymns, but liturgy. CW would do, but because she didn't say anything at all it became a matter of aesthetics. BCP was won, after a long discussion, but then there was discussion about which. I strongly favoured 1928, but it was easier to back down than dig in. If she'd just said..
On the money point, if it all comes down to it, you can get a pauper's burial (in the UK) anyway, so it really comes down to music and hymns, which don't really cost anything. And I think you need to be realistic in your plan, so that you have "non negotiables" and flexibility - eg "in the best of all possible worlds this is what I want, but if all else fails, just ensure I'm buried/created/blasted into space" your variations may vary!
I don't think anyone can go into it thinking "if i write this it will happen" but tha doesn't preclude writing wishes.
On a related note, I'm 34 as I said, and I have first hand memories ( thanks to the joys of being from a farming family in the sticks) of family laying out other family after death, people being buried from their own home, and visiting dead relatives in an open coffin on the dining room table or at the undertakers. I've sadly been to a couple of family funerals this year, and I find the undertaker's trade endlessly fascinating. I wouldn't want to e one, but it's something I stand in awe of. Certainly, if you avoid the cowboys, honest money.
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
Mr Nen and I are currently revisiting our wills and he wants to be cremated and in our current wills I've asked for burial. Mr Nen doesn't understand this at all, from a taking-up-of-space and environmentally friendly point of view. I just think cremation seems a terribly violent thing to do to a body that has served you well for so many years. What do Shipmates think?
My personal preference would be to not be embalmed, but be buried wrapped in a pretty cotton sheet that would easily decompose as we are meant to do, in a pleasant place where there's room for the (future hoped-for) grandkids to run around and play while the kids reminisce about their old mom. Plant a tree to soak up all those nutrients and provide some shade to picnic under.
Unfortunately, as noted above, in most parts of the US this is illegal.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I want purple vestments not white (white is for children and virgins!)
Leo, are you saying that you're not a . . . quick, get Miss Amanda her smelling salts; she can't go on! ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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betjemaniac
Shipmate
# 17618
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Posted
Forgot to say, if your family is in any way susceptible to the supernatural, threatening to haunt people if they don't follow your wishes is very effective. But at the same time, tell ALL the people. Trying to explain to someone why their deceased wife doesn't want to be buried with them (not because of them, but because of where their husband wants to be buried) in the immediate aftermath of the funeral is no fun.
Take it from me.
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And is it true? For if it is....
Posts: 1481 | From: behind the dreaming spires | Registered: Mar 2013
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
Preplanning is good for all the reasons noted above, but so is the express provision that allows for grace in that. (The most disastrous funeral I ever officiated was a preplanned one that went horribly, almost comically awry).
I spent a great deal of thought and time in planning my mom's funeral. There were several members of the family who'd asked to share remembrances which were included in the order of worship. It was timed out at a bit over an hour, so the caterer was slated to deliver food to the reception about an hour after the service began.
The elderly pastor who officiated got hazy on several of the details and mixed up the names of the bereaved. He left out the remembrances of all but one of the family members who had prepared words to share. Because he skipped over so much stuff, the service lasted less than 40 minutes, meaning we headed over to the reception before the caterers and ended up sitting around awkwardly.
But... this was the man who sat with my mom for hours, both when she was bedridden and still lucid, and later when she was unconscious for days prior to her death. The man who read Scripture to her unconscious self for hours. So... all things considered, his shortcomings as an officiant and the careful planning for naught were rather small considerations.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My family know I want a verb in my death announcement. Our local paper prints announcements that read "Suddenly, on the X, at Y" without saying what happened suddenly. Admittedly, if it's in the obituary column, it's fairly obviously what happened suddenly, but it's not a sentence without a verb. I do not want an ungrammatical death announcement.
My children have promised me a verb, but refuse to commit to any particular verb. "Died" would do nicely, but I fear they have other plans, verb-wise. ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I do not want an ungrammatical death announcement.
My children have promised me a verb, but refuse to commit to any particular verb. "Died" would do nicely, but I fear they have other plans, verb-wise.
I love it! The simplest of desires. And an open question of whether you'll get it fulfilled.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Cathscats
Shipmate
# 17827
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Posted
Leaving funeral ideas is good, but instructions can be a real burden on a grieving family. I had one lady who spent a year dying and spent most of that year assuring me that she wanted to talk about her funeral, but "not today". Because she didn't want to talk about it, but a friend had told her that she should. And she didn't need to if she didn't want to: I knew her well enough to make things appropriate to her.
Another friend of my own age -she was 50 when she died - left all sort so ideas, including a humerous video about her illness which she said her children could use if they wanted at the funeral, which is a much better way of putting it. In the end they didn't think they were in the right place emotionally to sit in church with others and watch that video.
My own mother was pretty specific: no black ties, (but we felt we could not instruct that in the newspaper announcement, as it would offend some of her traditional cousins), people to wear flowers as at a wedding, I was to speak, she knew her hymns and reading, and, she told me, "No one is to be sad!" I told her that she could dictate much, but she could not, and never had been able to dictate our emotions!!
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"...damp hands and theological doubts - the two always seem to go together..." (O. Douglas, "The Setons")
Posts: 176 | From: Central Highlands | Registered: Sep 2013
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Personally, I'm inclining more and more to Inspector Morse's nothing-at-all approach. I have no partner or children, and frankly I don't think any remaining close family that might be around when I pop my clogs will want to be, or should be burdened with any services or ceremonies concerning some peripherally-situated old maiden aunt - good for a laugh or two, but unlikely to necessitate any ceremonious process of grieving or journeying on, as one would with someone who is of important intimate significance.
... though if you have any living family or friends at all, it's nice to give them the option of disregarding your "do nothing" request. We've had several of these this past couple years, and it's surprising who turns out to need the comfort of a funeral--even if minimal. Not always the closest family--they may have said their goodbyes already, and be ready to go along with that. But the somewhat further off relatives and friends--they may have trouble dealing with "no funeral."
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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chenab
Apprentice
# 18278
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Posted
Can I add one point - if leaving instructions then please make sure people know where to find them. From the Funeral Director side we very rarely (thankfully) have people who have got part way through arranging a funeral and then discovered a note or set of instructions indicating that something different was wanted.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2014
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Bernard Mahler
Shipmate
# 10852
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Posted
Music - I have laid down, NO CRIMOND
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"What does it matter? All is grace" Georges Bernanos
Posts: 622 | From: Auckland New Zealand | Registered: Jan 2006
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