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Source: (consider it) Thread: When you call out my name.
Graven Image
Shipmate
# 8755

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I have a new daughter-in-law. Lovely lady and I am very happy. This however brings up a question. What will she call me? Mom no she has one of those. Graven fine that is what she has been calling me prior to their marriage, but then when I send her and my son a gift how do I sign the card? I worked this out with son # 2 as now he, his wife, and child all call me by a silly name my grandchild came up with while learning to say Grandmother. As son and new daughter-in-law are not planning to have any children this will not work. How are others on the ship addressed my their younger in-laws and how do you sign cards?
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Nicolemr
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# 28

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My son-in-law calls me by my first name.

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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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My son-in-law calls me "mom" but if I'm signing something to him alone I write "cliffdweller". If it's to both daughter and SIL I write "mom". I'm pretty easy going about it.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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I was married for more than twenty years -- and never did come to any conclusion of what my Mother-in-Law wanted me to call her. (Yes, I could have asked, but she was the Mother-in-Law from You-Know-Where.)

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
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Leorning Cniht
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# 17564

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quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
I was married for more than twenty years -- and never did come to any conclusion of what my Mother-in-Law wanted me to call her.

I've been married for close to that, and still engage in circumlocutions to avoid calling my mother-in-law any kind of name. I like her very much, but using her name doesn't feel right. Equally, "Mum" feels wrong. So I end up finding ways to address her without any kind of name.
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Schroedinger's cat

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# 64

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We had to have kids so we could call my in-laws "Nain and Taid" (Welsh for grandparents).

I never worked it out before the kids.

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Doone
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# 18470

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Two daughters in law call me by my first name, though I'm Mum in joint communications with my sons like Christmas cards. The third calls me Mum and is very comfortable with that, but she's South Korean so maybe a cultural thing (their language is very specific about relationships, so I believe, for example, they have a different word for the eldest and youngest daughter). Now we're usually grandma and grandpa, which probably makes it easier all round as I remember being excruciatingly embarrassed at what to call my m-i-l and ended up not calling her anything till our first son was born.
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Gill H

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# 68

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I call my in laws by their first names.

This does remind me of the wonderful and bitter-sweet Joyce Grenfell sketch 'First Flight'.

"She calls me "Mother Comstock". Which is nice. When I think of my own mother in law ... I never called her anything for thirty-five years. Well, except 'dear' in a time of crisis."

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L'organist
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# 17338

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My first MiL I called by her first name; the second died before my time so problem solved - and the same with FsiL.

My (step)SsiL call me by my first name while my stepchildren prefer not to address me at all! My step-grandchild calls me by my name.

A cousin, brought up by elderly parents, refers to her MiL as "Mother-in-Law" and calls her that: rather disconcerting the first few times you hear it but the whole family is rather odd!

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Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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It's an odd situation, sometimes. Most of my nephews and nieces (all adults ranging from 28-52) call me Uncle Pete when they are talking to me but I am told they refer to me by my first name when they are talking about me. I have a special relationship with one great-nephew: he calls me Grampa Pete. His parents call me by my first name, as do some others. I respond politely and sign all cards and letters as Uncle Pete. I refuse to respond to any great-nephew or niece who calls me by my first name. That includes a great-great niece. Her mother calls me Uncle as does her grandfather.

When I was married I called my parents-in-law by the names my wife used. My own mother was far away, so there was no intermingling or confusion.

In any event, context always made it clear. I am a great fan of relationship honorifics.

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Even more so than I was before

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North East Quine

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# 13049

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I like my Father-in-law very much, but don't think I've addressed him as anything in the last thirty years. He's "Dad" on birthday cards etc which are signed by both of us.
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Og, King of Bashan

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# 9562

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My mom spent years not knowing what to call her mother in law, so to avoid the awkwardness, she came right out and wrote "please feel free to call us (first name) and (first name)" on the first card she sent to my wife after we got married. My wife thought it was kind of strange, because she had always just planned on it, but she appreciated the thought once I explained. (And yes, grand kids solve the problem, and some others. My father in law would be embarrassed if I ever said "I love you" to him. If I say it though the grand-daughter who mostly babbles still? No problem.)

quote:
Originally posted by Doone:
The third calls me Mum and is very comfortable with that, but she's South Korean so maybe a cultural thing (their language is very specific about relationships, so I believe, for example, they have a different word for the eldest and youngest daughter).

Yes, from what I understand from my Korean sister in law, you would never think to address family by their name, especially older relatives. So my brother refers to his MIL by the Korean word for "honored mother" (or something along those lines). And it was a sign of acceptance when she started calling him "son in law" rather than a somewhat rude term for "foreigner" (it took him a while to work his way in to the family- once again, grand kids fixed a lot).

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Jack the Lass

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# 3415

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I call my in-laws by their first names. If they are writing a card to both of us they put 'mum' and 'dad', but if it was just to me they use their first names.

That works fine until it comes to me writing cards to them. Because they are from both of us it feels weird me writing their names when my husband knows them as 'mum' and 'dad', but feels even weirder if I write 'mum' and 'dad' because they're not my mum and dad. The only way I've been able to get round it is to get him to write any cards from both of us to them (and likewise I write any cards from both of us to my parents).

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Nick Tamen

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# 15164

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My wife called my parents by their first names. If my mother was writing to both of us, she sign the card or letter "Mother/Name." (If she was writing the whole family, she'd sign "Mother/Name/Gran.") My wife always laughed a little; she thought it was overkill.

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law, whom I also call by her first name, just uses "Mom" if she's writing both or all of us.

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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My daughter is expecting her first. I need to decide what the new one is going to call me. (Although I concede I probably have a year or so to work on this, but one must begin as one means to go on.) I don't think I want to be Grandma. Do I want to go full Chinese, and have the new one call me Po-Po? I am tempted to coin a totally new term for myself.

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The Rogue
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# 2275

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I knew the family-in-law for many years before anyone thought it possible I would marry one of them. A group of us (all completely not related) were calling them mother and father so it seems natural to continue the habit. In fact using their real names feels quite odd.

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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?

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jedijudy

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# 333

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I called the parents of my first husband Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So. Now, both my children-in-law call me by my first name. If I sign a card to D-i-L, it's with my name. To my S-i-L, it's Other Mom.

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Piglet
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I was first introduced to my in-laws quite a while before I knew they would be my in-laws (D. and I were in the same circle of friends and they were in Orkney on holiday), and they introduced themselves by their Christian names, and that's how things stayed.

When we started dating, my dad was D's boss*, but as they knew each other outside work through choirs, orchestras etc., they'd been on first name terms anyway.

I was quite shocked when we moved to Northern Ireland to find that many people there still addressed their in-laws as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" even after 30-odd years of marriage - it just seemed so formal.

While we're on such forms of address, I didn't half feel old the first time I heard my great-niece address my sister as "Granny". [Big Grin]

* D. was a teacher, Dad was the director of education.

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
My daughter is expecting her first. I need to decide what the new one is going to call me. (Although I concede I probably have a year or so to work on this, but one must begin as one means to go on.) I don't think I want to be Grandma. Do I want to go full Chinese, and have the new one call me Po-Po? I am tempted to coin a totally new term for myself.

I thought Chinese for grandma was Neinei? Which I kinda like.

edit: (oh-- google tells me that Mandarin has separate names for paternal and maternal grandma, hence "po-po")

[ 06. June 2016, 15:23: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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Yeah, I'm on the hook to be Po-Po. Which is a name I associate with my own grandmother, now long gone. I am hoping the new one will babble and generate some charming term of his own.

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Mrs Shrew

Ship's Mother
# 8635

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Mr Shrew and I both use first names for parents in law.

When we receive cards, they will be signed " Mum and Dad" if to both of us, or by first name if to the in law. ( there was also a time my dad obviously got distracted and signed his first name on my birthday card - mum and I had a good giggle about that!)

When sending cards or addressing gifts from both of us, I would write first name for my mother in law if I were writing it, but like Jack-the-Lass I normally try to get Mr Shrew to write that bit, so it says To Mum instead. And I would write To Mum for my mum, even for joint gifts.

I guess the trick is to come up with something everyone feels happy with.

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"The goal of life is not to make other people in your own image, it is to understand that they, too, are in God's image" (Orfeo)
Was "mummyfrances".

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Og, King of Bashan

Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
Yeah, I'm on the hook to be Po-Po. Which is a name I associate with my own grandmother, now long gone. I am hoping the new one will babble and generate some charming term of his own.

I'm convinced that the grandchild's parents have the most sway on what the child calls you, since they are the ones the child hears identify you as Po-Po or Grandma or Oma (which is what my mother in law chose). So make sure they are on board with whatever you want to be called from the start.

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Graven Image
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# 8755

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Brenda Clough posted
quote:
My daughter is expecting her first. I need to decide what the new one is going to call me. (Although I concede I probably have a year or so to work on this, but one must begin as one means to go on.) I don't think I want to be Grandma. Do I want to go full Chinese, and have the new one call me Po-Po? I am tempted to coin a totally new term for myself.

I had name planned but grandchild changed it, so I just decided the first grandchild gets to name you. Grandmother became Mankie? Who knew? So Mankie it is to all of her family.
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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Remember in Downton Abbey when the grandaughter Sybs named her grandfather, the Earl of Grantham, "Donk" - after pin the tail on the donkey?

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Scots lass
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# 2699

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I call my PIL by their first names and my husband calls my parents by their first names. My dad isn't really a first name person, my SIL jokingly refers to him as Mr [Surname], or more often Grandpa these days. My husband, being fearless, went straight for the first name.

The awkward bit was what name my husband's grandmother should use to sign cards to me. She felt a bit odd using her first name, so ended up signing it as "Nanny", which is what my husband calls her. My own granny died when I was a teenager, and all my other grandparents died before I was born - none of them would have used that name, so it works quite well!

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St. Gwladys
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# 14504

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Mother (Welsh) was Mam. Mil (English) was Mum.

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Landlubber
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# 11055

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quote:
Originally posted by Nick Tamen:
My wife called my parents by their first names. If my mother was writing to both of us, she sign the card or letter "Mother/Name."

We do this, except that the abbreviated form of my given name is the same as that of my husband's name, so we fetched up with Mum/Land & Dad/Land. Child 1 said early on "this has got out of hand, just write Mum & Dad" so we do. Child 2 has said nothing, so we carry on expending the extra ink.

If there are grandchildren, how do others decide who gets which name? My (step) M-I-L announced a baby-talk grandparental name for my F-I--L which I could not abide. I spent years running a secret campaign to stop my children using it. I like my children-in-law and would rather not provoke them, but unless the baby-talk originates with the (hypothetical, at this moment) babies, not the adults, words might be said.

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
I am tempted to coin a totally new term for myself.
I know a man who did that, but it turned out to be a kind of vanity in avoiding the more normal terms which might have implied ageing.

Since that vanity eventually extended to no longer speaking to his son or grandchildren, the point is now moot [Smile]

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(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Cathscats
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# 17827

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I went with "Grandma" for MIL along with my kids. But when she began to get a bit vague (she is nearly 96) I changed and now call her by her name. It is a way of reminding her who she is, still the same person she has been for nearly a century. (Also, she never wanted to be "Grandma" but hoped for "Granny". However my mother already had that title by virtue of already having grandchildren.)

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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When the time comes, my son-in-law will refer to me as 'Lord High Potentate of Space and Time'. If time is short, 'my lord' will suffice.

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Forward the New Republic

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Stercus Tauri
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# 16668

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I try to discourage titles such as The Old Goat, and prefer to be Dad to our daughters, and first name to all in-laws and grandchildren. For some reason, I like to hear very small people call me by my name.

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Albertus
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# 13356

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Betjeman's f-in-l was Field Marshal Sir Philip Chetwode, who said to him before the wedding a propos of this 'You can't call me father, because I'm not your father. You can't all me Philip: that's out of the question. You'd better just call me Field Marshal'.
As neither of my in-laws holds high military rank, it has never occurred to me or AFAIK to them that I should call them by anything other than their first names.

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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My s-i-l is an Army captain, and is inclined to address me as Mrs. Clough. I have hope that if the new one addresses me as [some name TBD} then it'll trickle over.

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Celtic Knotweed
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# 13008

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I call Sandemaniac's parents by their names, and Sandemaniac calls my parents by their names. Far as I know my siblings and their spouses follow the same pattern. The nieces have a Granny, Grandpa, Grandma, Grand-dad (and I can't recall which one uses which for which pairing), complicated by my sis-in-law being Polish, so using another set of names again.

Mind you, I do call the maternal Knotweed by her given name sometimes, having spent 4 years in the late 90s working out of the same office. (Having the students see one of the people they were asking for help with coursework say to another "Want a cuppa Mum?" would probably not have inspired confidence...) She does answer to it [Big Grin]

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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291

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A bit off topic, but this discussion reminds me of when my mother was about to become a great grandmother. I asked her what she was going to be called, and she sighed theatrically and announced,

'Oh, M., I can't decide whether to be great or grand'

M.

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Caissa
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# 16710

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I called my in laws by their first names. I often call my parents by their first names, as well.
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Zacchaeus
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# 14454

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I knew my in laws first adn met my husband through them so first names were already in place.

My kids partners call me either first name or Mum

But as all the in laws on my mother's side called her mum (my grandmother, mum) it seems natural.

My grandmother had a hated first name she refused to use or answer to...

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no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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We have more or less given up on this as of about 5 years ago. One child has been living with her partner* for going on 8 years. No sign of that bourgeois institution of marriage. This has resulted in first names all around. It is not my preference, but my preference is the least important. Younger children have followed suit.

With my dearly loved inlaws, I called them Pappa/Mumma <given name>. After we had children, we just called them grandma and grampa. (My parents were mostly absent from our lives, so it didn't become an issue. Our children called them nicknames they'd invented, but seldom had to address them.)


*partner: I heartily dislike this term for couples. I am in business and have partners. I am not married to my partners. But this apparently is the approved term, so I have never said and never will say anything about it.

(Code fix)

[ 13. June 2016, 21:24: Message edited by: Firenze ]

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Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:

*partner: I heartily dislike this term for couples. I am in business and have partners. I am not married to my partners. But this apparently is the approved term, so I have never said and never will say anything about it.


What would you suggest as a more appropriate name? Common-law wife/husband seems a bit long-winded.

There are many different kinds of partner - dancing, duetting, partners in crime... it needn't mean just a business relationship.

[ 14. June 2016, 06:45: Message edited by: jacobsen ]

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
BroJames
Shipmate
# 9636

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quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
What would you suggest as a more appropriate name? Common-law wife/husband seems a bit long-winded.

As well as (in England and Wales) misleading, since the law recognises no such thing, and hasn't done for over 200 years.

[ 14. June 2016, 12:28: Message edited by: BroJames ]

Posts: 3374 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged
Daffodil
Apprentice
# 13164

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The next generation use my first name. I let them decide what title I would have when the Grandkids arrived, and try and use this title when signing my name - different name from each group! In reality the Grandkids are starting to use my first name, as that is how they hear everyone else address me. My husband seems to have kept the suffix Granddad when they address him. Is the difference because I am slightly younger, or because technically they are step grandkids who knows and who cares [Smile]
Tho some may object to the term "grandkids" it is shorter than grandchildren. I confess we refer to them collectively (and affectionately ) as 'The Rugrats" as there are a number of them of them aged 8 years - 5 weeks.

My mother used to title Auntie, followed by her first name for her Mil, and we followed suit [Ultra confused]
My father used the term "Mrs T" for his Mil...

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no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:

*partner: I heartily dislike this term for couples. I am in business and have partners. I am not married to my partners. But this apparently is the approved term, so I have never said and never will say anything about it.


What would you suggest as a more appropriate name? Common-law wife/husband seems a bit long-winded.

There are many different kinds of partner - dancing, duetting, partners in crime... it needn't mean just a business relationship.

I have no idea how to sort out this. It is co-opting of a word, that meant something different previously. I get the modern thing that marriage is passé for some. People invent themselves now. But I haven't any idea better than "son's girlfriend" or "daughter's special friend" for the relationship with the person who they live with. ?son/daughter in commonlaw? This I asked about once, and won't again. Back to first names.

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Daffodil:
Tho some may object to the term "grandkids" it is shorter than grandchildren.

I'm noticing a lot of people referring to their offspring's offspring as "the grands." I think the reason this rubs me the wrong way is that the only time I've heard "grands" used as a noun is here.

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Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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Language is so very mutable that you can make it do anything you want to. (Google on the correct usage of the term 'nigger' for a current example.) The only question is what you want.

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Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
I have no idea how to sort out this. It is co-opting of a word, that meant something different previously. I get the modern thing that marriage is passé for some. People invent themselves now. But I haven't any idea better than "son's girlfriend" or "daughter's special friend" for the relationship with the person who they live with. ?son/daughter in commonlaw? This I asked about once, and won't again. Back to first names.

Perhaps POSSLQ? But only if they're of the opposite sex -- PSSSLQ is unpronounceable.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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I don't suppose 'co-fornicater' is going to fly either.

You don't hear 'fancy man/woman' which is what my mother would have used for a presumed lover where the parties were of mature years.

Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
I have no idea how to sort out this. It is co-opting of a word, that meant something different previously. I get the modern thing that marriage is passé for some. People invent themselves now. But I haven't any idea better than "son's girlfriend" or "daughter's special friend" for the relationship with the person who they live with. ?son/daughter in commonlaw? This I asked about once, and won't again. Back to first names.

Perhaps POSSLQ? But only if they're of the opposite sex -- PSSSLQ is unpronounceable.
When I talk to close friends, we revert to old lingo and say they're "shacked up". Good friends also learn to stop asking when they're getting married. No one, parents nor anyone else has the right to ask such things in the modern era.
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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"Live-in lover"? Last time I heard that phrase used was 20 years ago, though.
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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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I call my parents-in-law by their first names, and my wife does the same. Can't say it's ever been a problem.

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Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by Daffodil:
Tho some may object to the term "grandkids" it is shorter than grandchildren.

I'm noticing a lot of people referring to their offspring's offspring as "the grands." I think the reason this rubs me the wrong way is that the only time I've heard "grands" used as a noun is here.
In some friendships I have people who have given up the hope of ever having grandchildren use grands to refer to their children's dogs or cats. [Projectile]

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Even more so than I was before

Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged



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