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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Parables that didn't make the grade
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Second Mouse
Citizen of Grand Fenwick
# 2793
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Posted
I was looking for something the other day, in a dusty corner of our attic, when I made a strange discovery...some old, dusty scrolls, covered with hebrew characters.
They're starting to crumble at the edges, and to be honest, the handwriting isn't great, but with the help of my trusty "Holiday Hebrew for Beginners" book, I've made a start on deciphering them, and it's intriguing stuff...
I am the good carpenter, and I hack my blocks of wood into shape...but they are prone to split and splinter...no, that's too insulting, the crowd won't go for that. Needs some work.
The kingdom of heaven is like a man with two daughters. They grew up and he married them off to older richer men, who didn't want to great a dowry...No, that's not what I want to say at all. Like the idea of a family and two kids though. It has potential...
I'm not quite sure what these scrolls could be, (or how they ended up in a West Yorkshire attic), but I'm beginning to wonder if they could be important somehow.
Anyone care to help me in this vital translation work? All offers greatfully received
Claire
[ 30. March 2004, 05:25: Message edited by: Coot W*nkMeister Eckhardt ]
Posts: 1254 | From: West Yorkshire | Registered: May 2002
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
I have translated this one:
There were once two hamsters. One stored up for itself seeds and fruit in its cheek pouches, and took them to its nest. The other also filled its pouches, but temptation came and it gave in and ate of the food. A time of drought came upon that area, and the greedy hamster perished, but the other had sufficent to eat, and lived, and many were its descendants...
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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Big Steve
Ship's Navigator
# 3274
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Posted
The kingdom of heaven is like a small town where there was a poor man who had five un-married daughters and a rich man who had five unmarried sons. The poor man decided to host a party and planned to invite the rich man along with his five sons. As the poor man had no fattened cows and only one fattened lamb he and his daughters spent the day before the party hunting pigeons to cook for the main meal. After many hours hunting they had caught no pigeons. At the point of despair the eldest daughter noticed a lamb caught in a thorn bush. She quickly approached the lamb and noticed that the lamb was fat and healthy. She was freeing the lamb from the thorn bush to take it home when the owner of the lamb, the second son of the rich man, came along and caught her. "why are you stealing my lamb?" he asked her. "Erm, is this your lamb?" she replied sheepishly. "Yes, and you are stealing it!". "Oh, sorry. I'll leave now". So she left hurriedly and excused herself from probably the worst party ever the following night.
[ 16. September 2003, 14:52: Message edited by: Jimi Kendricks ]
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http://www.youtube.com/stephenhillmusic
Posts: 1269 | From: Dublin. | Registered: Sep 2002
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spark.
Shipmate
# 4801
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Posted
A man was cleaning, no they want believe that. No wait... a woman was cleaning her house when she found a few gold coins that had been lost. she was so pleased she decided to invite all her friends. Then she remembered all the things that her friends had said about her last party. So it is with my father, he remembers everything, so...no not quite right - I am sure that there is a good story there.
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Prayer? No it was far too serious for that.
Posts: 157 | From: St Albans | Registered: Aug 2003
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
... and Jesus asked his mother to leave the room for a few minutes. And then he said: "Let the one without sin cast the first stone"...
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
The lost sheep
there was once a shepard who had a hundred sheep, only one day, when he counted his sheep, one was missing! OH NO!! where has the sheep got to? So he went out and spent night and day looking for it, and eventually, just before tea time he found it. That night he had a party. Roast sheep was on the menu. God is like the shepard! When he realises that one of you is lost he comes out and finds you. he searches night and day for you. and has a party for you when you come home safe and sound.
You are the main course in the banquet in heaven.
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
I have decided this thread was worthy of a mention in the caption competition. ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
sophs
story on a scroll found in the next cave over:
A shepherd lost one of his sheep and he left the rest of his flock to search high and low for the poor lost one. After much searching he found it and although he was very weary he returned rejoicing to where he had left the others. But they weren't there; they had wandered off because they were, well, sheep.
He took his lone sheep back to the big empty pen.
The next day the shepherd woke to a mighty stirring on the road. His neighbor was grinning and praising God in a loud voice as he drove down the road a flock of sheep twice as large as the one he'd had the day before. "Look, friend! The holy teachers were right. God does want us to live in abundance. I awoke this morning and lo! my flock had increased to twice its size! Blessed be the name of the Lord!"
He became serious, "All you need to do, dear friend, is have faith as I do and you too will be blessed."
The shepherd sighed, looked at his one sheep, and tried to have happy, faith-filled thoughts.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
The kingdom of heaven is like this woman who is baking bread, and she like puts some -- uh -- something in it, and -- um -- at first it's like all off to one side, and then later, it -- ahh -- well it gets to where it's not just all off to one side any more.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, that drops off the hand and down a crack because it is too small...no, drat, try another one...the kingdom of heaven is like the birds of the air, sitting in the trees, doing...no, no...in my Father's house, there are many rooms, including a very nice conservatory and a study where he keeps his books and stuff... can't get the hang of this...
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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biscuit
Shipmate
# 3550
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Posted
So there were these two guys and they went to the temple and one said to the other, Look Aisle, altar, hym - that's what a bride says at the wedding I'll alter him... no, that's what Peter said at the pub last night....
There were these two guys and they went to the temple, and both were Pharisees and they stood up to pray, but one fell over because there was a ... no, there's something there, but what...
There were these two guys, brothers actually, and one day their Dad says go to the shops and buy some bread and says yes and the other no and lo, the father smote the one who said no a right ding about the ear and says "Get thee hence, thou sorry sack of lard..." Not quite right, I don't think - good for family discipline though...
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"The strength of the fish is in the water" (proverb)
Current flavour: Chocolate hobnob
Posts: 455 | From: South Hobbiton | Registered: Nov 2002
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
The Kingdom of God is like a little tiny seed, it falls on the ground and gets eaten by the birds of the air - who are also a bit like the Kingdom as well, they make their nests in the trees (which, incidently are also like the Kingdom of heaven) and make their nests from twigs and leaves, which, oddly enough are also a bit like the Kingdom...
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
There was a bloke who was hungry. He saw a fig tree, but it didn't have any figs on it cos it wasn't the right season for figs. And figs taste horrible anyway. So the bloke was going to curse the tree but his mates said "Don't be daft, it isn't even the right season, and figs taste awful anyway. We're off for a kebab - you coming?". So lo he didst go with them to Ali Babas kebab shop and there was much gnashing of teeth.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
The Kingdom of Heaven is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...
The Gospel According to Swiss Tony
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Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
The kingdom of heaven is like a jar of vegemite.... hmmm, doesn't sound quite right somehow!
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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
The Lost Penny
Once there was a lady who had ten pennies. Only one day she lost one of them! She spent all day cleaning out her house and searching for the lost penny. It took her days to find it.
Then she realised that 10p isn't really that much anyway, and it'll buy you 10 1p sweets, or 2 packets of ketchup from a college canteen...so there wasn't much point in wasting a day looking for it when she could have been earning more money, or following God or something like that.
The God is like that women. He will search and search for one lost soul, taking days and weeks and years to get you. It's amazing really...that's just how much you mean to him. But it's kinda stupid really...i mean, he could have devoted that time to solve world hunger and peace and then have enough time for a game of footie with moses and co...
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
There was once a woman who had ten coins. She lost one. She looked down the back of the sofa and there it was, together with three more, a pencil, three pieces of lego, and a bit of chewing gum covered in fluff. This is like the Kingdom of God.... er... no, hold on, that's not quite the effect I was looking for. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Stoo:
The Kingdom of Heaven is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...
The Gospel According to Swiss Tony
aren't you supposed to be working?
hmm. there must be a parable about the man who procrasinates and skives work....
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There were these brothers see. And one of them dressed up in fur and went to his father . . . No, that's been done.
There was this farmer and he hired people to work in his field and it was like, I just wanna say hard work, you know. And the work wasn't really getting done so the farmer hired more workers. And then he paid the new workers just as much as the guys who had been there all day.
And the guys who had been there all day were cheesed pretty good and they formed a union to protest unfair working conditions. And then I just wanna say that the union was like the Kingdom of God because, well see, there was a guy in charge and he made the rules and all. No, No, No.
It was like the Kingdom of Heaven because all the union guys went to help look for lost sheep as a community assistance project. Hmmm. Needs work.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and puts by and forgetteth until it be found all shrivelled... Nope.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and planteth aha! that's more like it and it puts forth green shoots and the squirrels cometh and dig it up True, but not the point I was trying to make.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and planteth and lo, the flower thereof is not like unto the image on the packet One of my better efforts there, I think. Just hope my biographers get all of this down.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
The Kingdom of God is like a little tiny seed, it falls on the ground and gets eaten by the birds of the air - who are also a bit like the Kingdom as well, they make their nests in the trees (which, incidently are also like the Kingdom of heaven) and make their nests from twigs and leaves, which, oddly enough are also a bit like the Kingdom...
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
IBP, I am insulted. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) Really. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif) This is just terrible. Accusing me of plagiarizing the Street Bible. I might have written the Street Bible for all you know. Haven’t you seen how attuned I am to the rhythms of the street? ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
The ads sound interesting. Is it any good?
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
And so Jesus began to speak, and he spoke thus: "There once ... was an ugly duckling, with feathers all fluffy and brown ... " and at that point his disciples broke into a dance, with Simon Peter dressed as a chicken gone wrong.
Which, if not exactly like the Kingdom of God in Heaven, is much like a Parish Weekend talent show.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Lady A
Narnian Lady
# 3126
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Posted
found in a hidden corner of a synagogue cafeteria in some ruins where Jesus might have been a student
(This part has been scratched out, and meticulously restored)
The Kingdom of God is like getting your own pizza crust and being able to put on only the toppings you like.....
(much more scratching out)
The Kingdom of Heaven is like fresh baked bread where the yeast has risen like a man fresh from the grave...
(circled with stars drawn very badly all around)
There once was a hard working lunch lady. She did her best to make sure that the meals were a taste of heaven to come. The children at the school always talked about how bad it was. It didn't matter that swarms would come to eat and enjoy the food. They would always say that the food was bad. One day the lunch lady didn't show up. There was no food. The End.
Posts: 2545 | From: The Lion's Mane, Narnia | Registered: Aug 2002
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
The kingdom of heaven is like a man who had three servants, and the man went away into a far land to buy and sell and stuff.
And when he came back he gathered his servants around him and said, "What have ye done whilst I was gone?"
And the first servant saith unto him, "Here, master, thou gavest me ten coins, and I bought ten Lotto Super Cash Prize tickets, which thou canst have." And he did hand him the tickets. And the master saith unto him, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."
And the second servant saith unto him, "Here, master, thou gavest me five gold coins, and I did buy five popsicles and gavest them unto thy children, who did eat thereof and were satisfied." And he did shew him the children which had stains upon their faces and were bouncing off the walls. And the master saith unto him, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."
And the third and final servant saith unto him, "Master, thou gavest me one gold coin, and I still have it. I have not wasted it upon Lotto tickets, nor have I used it to poison thy children with sugar and artificial colours and flavourings. Here is thy coin."
And the master was wroth, and smote himself upon the chest, and tore his clothing, and saith unto the final servant, "And how is that supposed to help the economy, thou lazy and shiftless servant?! No tax break for thee!"
And he did throw him into jail, and lo he did not get out until he had paid the last penny.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
okay the kingdom of God is like the Sunday Times.
There's a supplement in it for everybody, you just have to look hard enough to find the one for you...
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. he knew that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went another much safer way.
Hmm. Needs more action, I think.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
There once was a Dad and his two sons. The elder was a Good Boy but everyone loved the Bad Young Stud best.
This almost proved his undoing, since he Had His Way all the time. Heh. Had His Way alright, even to the point of cashing in family assets and running off to be a MetroSexual for a while.
When he finally came crawling home it became apparent nothing was gonna change- he was not held accountable and certainly would take the money and run again, given half a chance.
That's the way it always is with those spoiled, petted, pretty boys.
Go fer tha sturdy elder brother every time, gals, save ya some heartache.
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Mad Geo
Ship's navel gazer
# 2939
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Posted
Ten virgins went.....
Oh wait, we can't tell parables like that in Heaven.
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Diax's Rake - "Never believe a thing simply because you want it to be true"
Posts: 11730 | From: People's Republic of SoCal | Registered: Jun 2002
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Madake
Shipmate
# 3343
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Posted
Now behold, two of them were traveling that same day to a village called Emmaus, which was seven miles from Jerusalem. And they were deep in conversation about how the blue that one man may see is like unto the blue of the sky whilst some other man seeing the very same sky may liken it unto the blue of the blooming iris, yet both see the same blue for each mans blue is like another mans yoke, and it is a easy yoke but blue.
(just for you Mad Geo) ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Peanut Butter Cookie recipe is driving me nuts...must be too much flour
Posts: 285 | From: Redlands, California | Registered: Sep 2002
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Mad Geo, the way I heard that one was that four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness. There's a lesson for us all there.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Um. The lesson is that we should go to Inverness if we want to have a good time?
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
Arr, Cap'n Jesus and his crew were aboard their boat (the Scurvy Dick) preachin' the good news to the landlubbers on shore when a mighty fine squall blew a gale round about them. Cap'n Jesus said "Well, polish my barnacles and call me a trinket if I'm not gettin' powerful wet here. Let's go and drown our chills with a flagon of warmin' grog, me hearties". Which, arr, be exactly what they did.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
But were they wise or foolish virgins?
Can't imagine the wise virgins being *that* into having a good time.
They'd be too busy being wise. And being virgins. And going off to B and Q to buy bits and pieces for their lamps...
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
Heavily scratched out, in the margin of a scroll was this:
There was a fisherman, a Rabbi and an Irishman....
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a gaggle of teen-aged boys (with long purple and green hair) making fun of the bald prophet. Lo, the prophet whined to God about them. So Jehovah did smite them and cause them to have short, neat haircuts, and lo all their tattoos disappeared. Then did the teen-age girls laugh and point at the boys.
Heaven is like that, yea verily.
[ 19. September 2003, 13:45: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
So dis Jesus kid got down wid da homies an' giv' dem de low-down, da Word on da Street. He say "Man, you gotta be kiddin' me wid dese people round heres, dey know whack - dey not lovin' dey fellow man. Let me tell ya how it is in my crib. Where da streets is paved wi' gold an' all da people bumpin' and grindin' and dey is no guns and drugs and sh**. Dat's what I'm talkin' bout. Reeeeaaaal peace. So let's all just love one another, and I'm gonna start by lovin' dis little sweet ting just here. What's your name, girlfriend?" And all da homies dey was down wid it.
Word.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Second Mouse
Citizen of Grand Fenwick
# 2793
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Posted
Heck, ChrisT, I don't know what type of Hebrew-English dictionary you were using, but would you like to borrow mine instead?
Claire
Posts: 1254 | From: West Yorkshire | Registered: May 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
A parody of a Platonic parable by Woody Allen ( Side Effects. New York: Random House, 1981.)
...Messenger: Hold everything! The senate has revoted! The charges are dropped. You value has been reassessed and it is decided that you should be honored instead.
Socrates: At last! At last! They came to their senses! I'm a free man! Free! And to be honored yet! Quick, Agathon and Simmias, get my bags. I must be going. Praxiteles will want to get an early start on my bust. But before I leave, I give a little parable.
Simmias: Gee, that really was a sharp reversal. I wonder if they know what they are doing?
Socrates: A group of men live in a dark cave. They are unaware that outside the sun shines. The only light they know is the flickering flame of a few small candles they use to move around.
Agathon: Where'd they get the candles?
Socrates: Well, just say they have them.
Agathon: They live in a cave and have candles? It doesn't ring true.
Socrates: Can't you just buy it for now?
Agathon: O.K., O.K., but get to the point.
Socrates: And then one day, one of the cave dwellers wanders out of the cave and sees the outside world.
Simmias: In all its clarity.
Socrates: Precisely. In all its clarity.
Agathon: When he tries to tell the others they don't believe him.
Socrates: Well, no. He doesn't try to tell the others.
Agathon: He doesn't?
Socrates: No, he opens a meat market, he marries a dancer and dies of a cerebral hemorrhage at forty-two.
They grab me and force the hemlock down. Here I usually wake up in a sweat and only some eggs and smoked salmon calm me down.
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a pinch of snuff - if you're rich enough, it gets right up your nose...
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
The institutional church is like a man who stumbled on a treasure buried in a field. He fell headlong, knocked out two teeth, and went off, ignoring the treasure, to sue the farmer...
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
A man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves. They would have beaten and stripped him, but he said "This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It can blow your heads clean off your shoulders. Now, the question is - do ya feel lucky? Well, punks - do ya?"
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
"And which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Oh yeah - the Scottish Parliament..."
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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Iron Sun
Shipmate
# 3288
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Posted
And the Lord shall return when you least expect it, which now that you know means when you used to expect it most is when you expect it least so in essense the Lord will really come back when you most expect it because that is when you least expect it but now when you most expect it is when you most expect it so really he'll come back when you least expected the first time around which of course now you expect it so he'll actually come back halfway between the time you most expect and you least expect it.... which will be about 7:43...but I'm not telling you if it's in the morning or evening because then you'd know when to expect it most which would mean that's exactly when he would not come.
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
- Jack Handey
Posts: 76 | From: Pittsburgh!!! | Registered: Sep 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was this church in a rich neighborhood and all the members would walk in and put large denomination dead presidents into the collection plate at the door. And then came along this little old lady and she just put in a one dollar bill. The ushers began giving her grief, but it was all she had. Then they made her wait until everybody else had left the church before they would let her out of her pew.
So this is like the Kingdom of Heaven because the least shall be the last. Er, no . . . because the pot shall call the kettle. No, no, no. Because, um not all that glitters is gold. Nah. Because we don't need it, we got gold pavers.
Hmmm, needs work.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was a faithful man and the faithful man gave a lot of money to Robert Tilton (the man with the second best hair in Christendom) and the man was very prosperous because he coughed up a lot of money to the Crystal Palace. And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because I appeared as a 900 foot high parade float who was going to kill Robert Tilton unless he donated his hair. No. That's not it.
And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because . . . because . . . I said so. That's why. Don't ask any more questions.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
There was this Roman Centurion and he wanted to know if it was OK to eat pork. So he sent his chief servant to the grocery store to find out. And the cashier thought for a while and then sent the servant to the commissary where the servant was loaded up with MRE's. And the servant took the MRE's to the Centurion who tried some. And the Centurion decided there and then that pork was much better than a MRE, no matter what.
And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because a can in time is worth nine. Um, because nobody makes it like Sarah Lee. Naw. Because you should never eat a meal designed by a bunch of guys.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Transcript from a talk to the Women of Jerusalem:
Which of you, when you are hanging washing out to dry, hangs it over a patch of sand where children play underneath?
(Answering question from the floor) Yes. Mm. True. Some clothes lines are fixed. Yer. Ya right. Continual walking out to them wears the grass out and makes it sandy. The point is...
If you know where to hang your clothes, how much more does your Father in Heaven know where to hang you? He will dry you in a place where you will stay bright and clean - and when you are dried out, he will take you into his house and fold you up nicely and put you in a drawer.
(Another question from the floor) Yes! That's right! Everyone can be a party dress instead of a pair of smalls. And the party goes forever!
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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