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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Blasphemous erections
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
This is completely unconscionable. I'm a trusting sort and maintain a certain level of respect for the drug companies who sink millions of their hard-earned corporate dollars into cures for the serious ailments of mankind. Untold multitudes of suffering humans have had their life threatening diseases cured by the selfless generosity and altruism of those corporate giants.
My good will has come to an end. I'm an aging 55 year-old and as some might expect, my libido recently has taken (how should I say?) a vacation. Once a vigorous example of hard-charging American manhood, I've found myself lately in the awkward and unenviable position of shooting pool with a rope.
"Not to worry", say I. Modern medicine has the cure for everything. A simple little blue pill called "Viagra" will put the wood back in my pencil. Before you can say, "Salma Hayek", I'll be back in the fast lane. Little did I know the horror and embarrassment awaiting me. Sure there are warnings on the label...but who reads that? You pop your pill..you expect results.
I got results, alright. It looked like a baby's arm holding an apple. I felt like I had one of those reciprocating concrete drills attached to my pelvis. What a freak show! I could have pole-vaulted with the thing and not used my hands... and the worst thing was...it wouldn't go away!! Hours went by and still it taunted me. I couldn't sleep... it was impossible to roll over; a motorcycle with the kickstand down! Eventually, I propped myself in a corner standing up like a three-legged milking stool and wearily fell asleep.
It's insane. I should have known better. Damned drug companies taking advantage of elderly trust. If they hadn't printed their warnings in microscopic print, this would never have happened. I've sworn off sex forever. Who needs this kind of nightmare for a little roll in the hay? The miserable bastards. I hope they get a taste of their own medicine.
[ 07. June 2005, 14:58: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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The Scrumpmeister
Ship’s Taverner
# 5638
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Posted
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
This should solve your problem.
Alternatively, if you can make it to the Vatican, nick one that the new pope has consecrated, and if you can wait a few years till he pops his clogs, flog it on ebay and then you can pay for some sort of remote-controlled or voice-activated mechanism to be fitted to your wotsnot, and you can just control it that way.
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If Christ is not fully human, humankind is not fully saved. - St John of Saint-Denis
Posts: 14741 | From: Greater Manchester, UK | Registered: Mar 2004
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Kepler's Puppet
Shipmate
# 4011
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Posted
Could you take half a pill next time?
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Most Likely Lurking
Posts: 1447 | From: Dixie Land | Registered: Jan 2003
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
and the worst thing was...it wouldn't go away!! Hours went by and still it taunted me. I couldn't sleep... it was impossible to roll over; a motorcycle with the kickstand down!
What is it they say on the commercials? If your erection lasts for more than four hours, see a doctor? It probably says on the fine print you didn't read. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Pânts*
Ship's underwear
# 4487
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Posted
Surely you can find some good 'alternative' uses for it?
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I'm not here any more. Dial 999 to get me. (No. Please don't really. Bit you could PM me on my new number cos I never get PMs!)
Posts: 8380 | From: The Stables | Registered: May 2003
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
Ahhhh - so THAT is what caused a certain number of bizarre posts on the "Blasphemous desecration" thread ... and we all thought it was alcohol! ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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Goldfish Stew
Shipmate
# 5512
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Posted
Serves you right for buying it via a link in your inbox.
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.
Posts: 2405 | From: Aotearoa/New Zealand | Registered: Feb 2004
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Serves you right for buying it via a link in your inbox.
Yes they're dangerous, those links - but I didn't realise they were responsible for priapism too.
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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Emma Louise
Storm in a teapot
# 3571
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Posted
But er..... did she get a good time ??
*curious minds and all that*
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002
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Matrix
Shipmate
# 3452
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Posted
we really are missing T'n'T this year huh?
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Maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place. - Garden State
Posts: 3847 | From: The courts of the King | Registered: Oct 2002
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+Chad
Staffordshire Lad
# 5645
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Posted
I thought this was going to be a thread about modern church buildings.
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Chad (The + is silent)
Where there is tea there is hope.
Posts: 2698 | From: The Backbone of England | Registered: Mar 2004
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Saint Chad:
I thought this was going to be a thread about modern church buildings.
So did I, until I saw who started it...
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
But er..... did she get a good time ??
*curious minds and all that*
He hasn't said anything about a partner in his OP.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Og: Thread Killer
Ship's token CN Mennonite
# 3200
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Posted
So, we is watching Docter Who last night, and up pops a Viagra commerical. With guys saying something, supposedly about sex, censored behind a Viagra pill.
Now how exactly, during what is supposed to be a show that both kids and adults can enjoy, are parents to explain this to their 9 year olds?
How is one to explain:
1. Viagra
2. Censorship
3. Sex talk
during a comerical break?
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I wish I was seeking justice loving mercy and walking humbly but... "Cease to lament for that thou canst not help, And study help for that which thou lament'st."
Posts: 5025 | From: Toronto | Registered: Aug 2002
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
You watch the commercial breaks? ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Isn't that when you get another drink, or go to the loo, or whatever?
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
What I want to know is:
1.) Can it be consecrated?
2.) If so, Can 103 be forced to eat it?
3.) Must I wear a dog-collar while offering it up?
4.) If 103 sneaks it out in his back pocket and later makes a huge profit on Ebay, will all the simpering idiots on that other thread piss and moan for 23 pages on this one too?
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
Dude, I am laughing my ass off here. That is SO funny, and mostly just cos its you.
How is Mrs Gort?
P
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by anglicanrascal:
Ahhhh - so THAT is what caused a certain number of bizarre posts on the "Blasphemous desecration" thread ... and we all thought it was alcohol!
I'll admit I was fooled!
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
Commercials during Doctor Who? Now that is blasphemous.
I am so grateful for TV channels that don't have adverts!
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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Pânts*
Ship's underwear
# 4487
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Posted
I'm still waiting for the answer to Emmas question!
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I'm not here any more. Dial 999 to get me. (No. Please don't really. Bit you could PM me on my new number cos I never get PMs!)
Posts: 8380 | From: The Stables | Registered: May 2003
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Emma Louise
Storm in a teapot
# 3571
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Posted
indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies!
Or were you just test driving it? (in the Uk we dont get the viagra commercials, so I really dont know much about the stuff... really, like HOURS?!?!?! wouldnt the bloke get a bit frustrated if he cant come until a few hours? is it fun for him?!?! inquiring minds...>)
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
This is completely unconscionable.
I thought this was going to be a discussion of St. Augustine. So disappointing.
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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BuzzyBee
Ship's Drummer
# 3283
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
Commercials during Doctor Who? Now that is blasphemous.
I am so grateful for TV channels that don't have adverts!
While I'd normally agree, I think Dr Who would benefit from commercial breaks. The repeats on UKTV Gold certainly do as they shove in a commercial break at every tense moment or cliff hanger. The new series which is being shown as single episode stories without breaks on the BBC is suffering because of the lack of tension because everything has to be resolved within 45 minutes without any nail-biting "get back to the story we need to know what happens next" which you might get with ad-breaks.
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BuzzyBee
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Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr
Posts: 465 | From: Bristol | Registered: Sep 2002
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Lurker McLurker™
Ship's stowaway
# 1384
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
This is completely unconscionable.
I thought this was going to be a discussion of St. Augustine. So disappointing.
Surely Origen would be a more relevant person to discuss given the title.
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Just War Theory- a perversion of morality?
Posts: 5661 | From: Raxacoricofallapatorius | Registered: Sep 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Gort swore off sex not ...bits.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
Ah, for the first time in a long while, a thread title that lives up to the content.
And if you go lie down in San Francisco with it sticking up in the air, it will no longer be blasphemous, but a holy relic for millions.
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies! ...
No woman could suffer the enormity of the problem and live to tell about it.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Buddy, the day your libido takes a vacation is the day cats around the world take up syncronized swimming.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Jim Diariaze
Shipmate
# 7227
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Posted
Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.
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My hope, my wish, my prayer is that you find the life that Jesus created you to live and has hidden within Himself so in living that life you may have a uniquely intimate communion with Him. (Col.3:1-4)
Yours in the love of Jesus
Posts: 390 | From: Augusta, Georgia, USA | Registered: May 2004
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Gambit
London Shipmeet King
# 766
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
If your erection lasts for more than four hours, see a doctor?
Sod the doctor. Call the red tops, make a few quid.
[ETA: Only realised after posting that 'red tops' could mean so many things, but left it in anyway. American shipmates who are confused, read 'Tabloid Newspapers']
[ 27. April 2005, 16:21: Message edited by: Gambit ]
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There is a little bit of my mitral regurgitation that is forever yours.
Wiblog: Now being updated less than regularly (again).
Posts: 1105 | From: the best bar in Heaven | Registered: Jul 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Thanks, my imagination was running wild...
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
Yes, it sounded to me like he already had a red top. Or purple perhaps.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Mr Clingford
Shipmate
# 7961
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Yes, it sounded to me like he already had a red top. Or purple perhaps.
We Sang 'All things Bright and Beautiful' at a christening recently replete with its 'purple-headed mountain' - what larks. Pip Pip!
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Ne'er cast a clout till May be out.
If only.
Posts: 1660 | From: A Fleeting moment | Registered: Jul 2004
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Goldfish Stew
Shipmate
# 5512
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies! ...
No woman could suffer the enormity of the problem and live to tell about it.
Translation: She thought Gort was crap (although how any woman could make such a judgement in just 30 seconds is beyond me.)
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.
Posts: 2405 | From: Aotearoa/New Zealand | Registered: Feb 2004
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jim Diariaze:
Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.
There's a commercial here with 'Bob' who's got this giant rictus of a grin. It always makes me cringe and wonder if that's one of the side effects.
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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The Scrumpmeister
Ship’s Taverner
# 5638
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.
Gladly.
I don't want you slipping out mid-way through though, and if you have a piercing, please remove it first.
Oh, and Mrs Gort is more then welcome to watch if she so desires..
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If Christ is not fully human, humankind is not fully saved. - St John of Saint-Denis
Posts: 14741 | From: Greater Manchester, UK | Registered: Mar 2004
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Buddy, the day your libido takes a vacation is the day cats around the world take up syncronized swimming.
They have been known to take up synchronized caterwauling outside my bedroom window...not sure why, though. It sounds like a mournful tune of lament for my sad condition.
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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ChristinaMarie
Shipmate
# 1013
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Posted
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine. ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
Christina
Posts: 2333 | From: Oldham | Registered: Jul 2001
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ONUnicorn
Shipmate
# 7331
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Posted
quote:
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine.
This reminds me of a truely awful movie that some "friend" of mine subjected a group of us to watching. I don't rember what the movie was called, but a group of young men in the movie made "eclairs" in a similar fashion.
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"A pig's snout is NOT an electrical outlet."
Posts: 637 | From: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: Jun 2004
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Go Anne Go
Amazonian Wonder
# 3519
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
quote:
Originally posted by Jim Diariaze:
Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.
There's a commercial here with 'Bob' who's got this giant rictus of a grin. It always makes me cringe and wonder if that's one of the side effects.
Is this the same Bob who's just wandering around some party while everyone tries to figure out what's new and improved about him? Bob, did you get a haircut? Did you lose weight, Bob? Did you get a promotion?
Noooooo, Bob's sporting wood, thanks to Viagra. Of course, they never come out and saaaaay "Bob's sporting wood." But really, they just should. They should just say "the only thing that makes men feel like men is a massive erection and that's the only reason a woman like this (show picture of top sexpot model) would ever consider sleeping with a man like this (show average schmo.) is the fact that he's hung like a bear, and it never goes down."
Sheesh. I once dated a guy with a slight problem, and I have to say from the woman's point of view life was never ever better on that front. Wheeeee! If it does happen for all guys sooner or later, then bring. it. on.
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Go Anne Go, you is the bestest shipmate evah - Kelly Alveswww.goannego.com
Posts: 2227 | From: Home of the 2004 World Series Champion Red Sox | Registered: Nov 2002
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Codepoet
Best Bear On Board
# 5964
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Posted
Well if I am ever stuck for somewhere to hang my towel I will send you a PM.
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It's more important to be kind than to be right.
Posts: 1156 | From: Southampton | Registered: May 2004
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The Scrumpmeister
Ship’s Taverner
# 5638
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ONUnicorn:
quote:
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine.
This reminds me of a truely awful movie that some "friend" of mine subjected a group of us to watching. I don't rember what the movie was called, but a group of young men in the movie made "eclairs" in a similar fashion.
Oooooo! Is it on DVD?
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If Christ is not fully human, humankind is not fully saved. - St John of Saint-Denis
Posts: 14741 | From: Greater Manchester, UK | Registered: Mar 2004
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.
Gladly.
I don't want you slipping out mid-way through though, and if you have a piercing, please remove it first.
Oh, and Mrs Gort is more then welcome to watch if she so desires..
This explains the final scene of Pele's ad for Viagra - where he looks up at a cheering football crowd with wild surmise and a dazed grin.
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
Sadly, there hasn't been a Mrs. Gort for 14 years. She ran off with Roto-Rooter man from Redding. My recent misadventure was a failed attempt to get back in the swing-of-things with a bit of trolling.
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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HenryT
Canadian Anglican
# 3722
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
... The day the doctors take it down....it ain't coming back. ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
The treatment is intramuscular Valium, if I recall correctly. Only of temporary effect. Untreated priapism can lead to loss of tissue!
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"Perhaps an invincible attachment to the dearest rights of man may, in these refined, enlightened days, be deemed old-fashioned" P. Henry, 1788
Posts: 7231 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2002
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Sacristan
Shipmate
# 3548
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Posted
Four/five hours. I don't really see a problem here.
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More abomination, more abomination
Posts: 1008 | From: West of Gotham | Registered: Nov 2002
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
Sadly, there hasn't been a Mrs. Gort for 14 years. She ran off with Roto-Rooter man from Redding. My recent misadventure was a failed attempt to get back in the swing-of-things with a bit of trolling.
I don't know what rooting is in the US, but here in Australia it's shagging.
You should get one of those mobile phones that send photos and give her a call to show her your wanger. She'll rue the day she left.
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Still pretty Amazing, but no longer Mavis.
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
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