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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Musical jokes
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Here's an old chestnut:
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
(rimshot)
A pizza can feed a family of four!
Surely you can do better...
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
I thought this was going to be a thread about jokes made *with* music, not jokes *about* music... but nevermind.
Q: If you throw a five-string banjo and a seven-string banjo off a cliff, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
Q. How can you tell when ther's a drummer at your door?
A. The knocking speeds up.
Q. How can you tell when there's a bass player at your door?
A. She doesn't know when to come in.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They steal someone elses light.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
I think we'll be able to insult all musicians and violinists with this thread ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Last ever sig ...
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Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
Why don't viola players get hemorrhoids?
Because all the arseholes are in the first violin section.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
Double posting to add that when the joke above was published in The Strad magazine years & years ago, the flurry of "Dear sir..." letters in the letters page, stretching over several issues, was quite entertaining...
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
How many viola playes does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, if you slice them really thinly.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Not a joke, but have you noticed the 'B' rule? All instruments beginning with 'B' are nasty:
- banjo
- bassoon
- bagpipes
- bodhran
Any exceptions? Additions perhaps??
It looks like the rule about countries that begin with 'I' being trouble.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
Yeah, I read " Musical jokes" and thought "Bolero".
![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
or Harold in Italy - the longest ever viola joke?
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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sonata3
Shipmate
# 13653
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Posted
How does a soprano sing a major scale, in solfeggio? "Do, re, mi, me, me, me, me, me."
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.
An opera company was doing a major world premiere. The conductor suffered a heart attack during the final dress rehearsal, and the company was desperate to find a replacement, or lose quite a bit of money. The Asst. Principal Viola announced that he had been studying the score, and was confident he could conduct the opening night performance. The company management agreed, and he was a stunning success - front page reviews in the NYT, picture on the cover of TIME - publicity everywhere. When the run of the new work was over, and the violist returned to the pit for the company's next production, his stand partner asked, "Hey, Mike - where ya been the last few weeks?"
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"I prefer neurotic people; I like to hear rumblings beneath the surface." Stephen Sondheim
Posts: 386 | From: Between two big lakes | Registered: Apr 2008
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iamchristianhearmeroar
Shipmate
# 15483
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Posted
As a violist I know most of the jokes at my own expense. I think my favourite is one of the weirdest:
Why is the German for viola "Bratsche"?
Because that's the noise it makes when you sit on one.
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My blog: http://alastairnewman.wordpress.com/
Posts: 642 | From: London, UK | Registered: Feb 2010
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Sioni Sais: quote:
All instruments beginning with 'B' are nasty... Additions perhaps??
Bombard. Best heard from a distance, and the further away the better.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
An A, a C and an E walk into a bar. The barman says, "I'm sorry, I don't serve minors." So, the C leaves and the A and the E have an open fifth between them.
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Q. What's the difference between an organist and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Wm Dewy
Shipmate
# 16712
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Posted
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Classical Greek?
A: Some conductors can read Classical Greek.
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"And harmoniums and barrel - organs be miserable--what shall I call 'em ? - miserable machines for such a divine thing as music!"
Posts: 216 | From: Indiana USA | Registered: Oct 2011
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Earwig
Pincered Beastie
# 12057
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Posted
Q. What's made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
A. Trombones.
Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to stand on a chair, and twelve to stand around her and mutter "she can't get that high".
Posts: 3120 | From: Yorkshire | Registered: Nov 2006
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Ricardus
Shipmate
# 8757
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Posted
One night there was a massive row in the green room between a flautist and a viola player. Eventually the conductor separated them and demanded to know what had happened.
"It's not fair," said the viola player, "He's de-tuned one of my strings and he won't tell me which!"
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Then the dog ran before, and coming as if he had brought the news, shewed his joy by his fawning and wagging his tail. -- Tobit 11:9 (Douai-Rheims)
Posts: 7247 | From: Liverpool, UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
My wife just told me this one.
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Darllenwr
Shipmate
# 14520
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Posted
Q. What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A. It is conventional to take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
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If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: I do not exaggerate!
Posts: 1101 | From: The catbox | Registered: Jan 2009
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
You do know the story about Sir Thomas Beecham contemplating a gravestone which read, "Here lies buried a great organist and a fine musician"?
Sir Thomas was heard to mutter, "How did they manage to fit two of them in there?"
(He apparently didn't much like the organ).
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
What's the difference between an organist and an onion?
It makes you cry when you stick a knife into an onion.
(This, and the terrorist joke above were told to us by a vicar who had problems with his organist)
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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Fr Weber
Shipmate
# 13472
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Posted
What's the difference between a dressmaker and a Baroque trumpeter?
The dressmaker tucks up frills.
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What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.
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"The Eucharist is not a play, and you're not Jesus."
--Sr Theresa Koernke, IHM
Posts: 2512 | From: Oakland, CA | Registered: Feb 2008
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Fr Weber
Shipmate
# 13472
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Posted
Also :
Q. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
A. Put a chart in front of him.
Q. What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
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"The Eucharist is not a play, and you're not Jesus."
--Sr Theresa Koernke, IHM
Posts: 2512 | From: Oakland, CA | Registered: Feb 2008
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
Fr Weber: What's the difference between a dressmaker and a Baroque trumpeter?
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
I'm a trumpet player. I love this one.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Qoheleth.
Semi-Sagacious One
# 9265
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Posted
Definition of an alto: A soprano who can read music.
<ducks>
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The Benedictine Community at Alton Abbey offers a friendly, personal service for the exclusive supply of Rosa Mystica incense.
Posts: 2532 | From: the radiator of life | Registered: Apr 2005
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
Definition of an amateur string quartet: One good violinist, one bad violinist, one ex-violinist, and one person who hates all violinists, who get together once a week to complain about composers.
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
Sir Kevin: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1
I don't get it.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
Q. How can you tell you have a soprano at the door?
A. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Earwig:
Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to stand on a chair, and twelve to stand around her and mutter "she can't get that high".
Or: A. One. She holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Wm Dewy
Shipmate
# 16712
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
What's the difference between an organist and an onion?
It makes you cry when you stick a knife into an onion.
If Paul and Silas had an organist, they would have died in prison.
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"And harmoniums and barrel - organs be miserable--what shall I call 'em ? - miserable machines for such a divine thing as music!"
Posts: 216 | From: Indiana USA | Registered: Oct 2011
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AmyBo
Shipmate
# 15040
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
Q. How can you tell when ther's a drummer at your door?
A. The knocking speeds up.
Q. How do you get the drummer to go away?
A. Pay for the pizza.
Q. What's it called when you throw an accordion in the dumpster and it lands on a banjo?
A. Perfect pitch.
My personal favorite:
Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 11, one to change a bulb and 10 to bitch that it's electric.
Posts: 122 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
Sir Kevin: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1
I don't get it.
(I believe he is playing changes.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
Kelly Alves: (I believe he is playing changes.)
Aargh, yes! I would have understood it sooner if it were Roman numerals.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
Q. How can you tell you have a soprano at the door?
A. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in
My wife says "Oh no! That's a viola joke!"
For those of you who don't know her, my wife who is Zeke on the ship, is a classically-trained former amateur opera singer with a range of nearly four octaves. She sang Dorabella in a community production of "Cosi fan Tutte" directed by a former Metropolitan Opera soprano and her husband who went on to work for our local opera company and eventually they formed their own which did two productions a year for several seasons. Z could sustain a high E-flat and hit the F-sharp in the famous aria sung by the Queen of the Night in "Die Zauberflote" aka "The Magic Flute". She gives the following disclaimer: The older you get, the better you were! It really is true though according to her. She currently sings in three amateur choirs but no longer teaches school music.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
So you know any musical jokes?
Well, there's our keyboard player.
What do you call someone with no talent who hang around with bands?
A drummer.
How do you confuse a guitarist?
Pretty much anyhow.
What do you call a saxophonist with a Porche?
A bad dream.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Alex Cockell
Ship’s penguin
# 7487
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Posted
One of the other soundmen at church told me he had a soft spot for panpipes... in the middle of the Thames...
Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all. When archaeologists start digging them up a few centuries from now they'll be completely baffled. They probably won't even identify them as musical instruments.
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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
Definition of an alto: A soprano who can read music.
<ducks>
I resemble that joke.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
A 12-string guitarist spends 90% of his time tuning and 10% playing out of tune...
(There are versions of that joke going back 600 years, about lutenists and harpists.)
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
Bongo drums remind me of children.
They're slightly annoying, rich people bring them back from Africa, and if you beat them in public then people get angry.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all. When archaeologists start digging them up a few centuries from now they'll be completely baffled. They probably won't even identify them as musical instruments.
I went to hear handbells recently.
I just wished they would pick one they liked, and answer the doorbell.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Morgan
Shipmate
# 15372
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Posted
The practice in the monastery early each day was for the Abbot to chant "Morning", and the monks would chant in reply, "Morning." One monk became bored with this and one morning when the Abbot chanted "Morning", his reply amongst the other chants of "morning" was "evening". The shocked Abbot looked across the gathered faces and chanted "Someone chanted evening!" (To tune of "Some Enchanted Evening").
Posts: 111 | From: Canberra | Registered: Dec 2009
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
Exasperated choir director: Tenors, when am I going to get that F in tune?
Exasperated tenors: As soon as we get the "F in" beat!
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Was he rehearsing F in Darke at the time? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Andrew Lloyd Webber (although some would say its no joke...)
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
A 12-string guitarist spends 90% of his time tuning and 10% playing out of tune...
(There are versions of that joke going back 600 years, about lutenists and harpists.)
The first time I heard that joke was at a Julian Bream concert
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Speaking of videos, ya gotta check out the "Pachebel Rant". (beware at work-a few mild cuss words thrown).
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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