Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Fox News Advice for Travellers
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Eirenist
Shipmate
# 13343
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Posted
Steve Emerson, a 'terrorism expert' has said in a broadcast on Fox News that 'a city like Birmingham (UK) is totally Muslim - non Muslims don't go there'. I am put in mind of the famous 'New Statesman' competition entry: 'Public toilet facilities are rare in British cities, but secluded streets where hard-pressed visitors can relieve themselves are prominently marked by the letter P'. Can Shipmates suggest any equally accurate and helpful advice for viewers of that network thinking of visiting the UK (or elsewhere)?
-------------------- 'I think I think, therefore I think I am'
Posts: 486 | From: Darkest Metroland | Registered: Jan 2008
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Hedgehog
 Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
I am confident that "tourism expert" Emerson would also advise tourist to avoid visiting cities in the UK during a match day. On those days soccer hooligans can be expected to burn down half the city. It is, however, a testament to the resolve of these descendants of Winston Churchill that they manage to rebuild the city prior to the next match day.
Fox News: We Make Up The News and Let You Decide What To Run With.
-------------------- "We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Firenze
 Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Two of my favourite pieces of advice are sadly superseded now: 'Have you tried the famous echo in the British Museum Reading Room?' and 'All brothels are marked by a blue lamp'.
Some still apply though:
'On entering a London Underground train, it is customary to shake hands with all the other people in the carriage'.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Oscar the Grouch
 Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
Anyone living outside of the major cities in the UK can be classified as "yokel" and will probably be extremely dim-witted due to excessive in-breeding.
-------------------- Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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Spike
 Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
It is illegal to tip London Taxi drivers.
-------------------- "May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Anyone visiting Oxford shouldn't miss the sunken cathedral in St Giles. Just outside the Randolph Hotel, the spire is now sadly all that remains above ground of this once glorious piece of medieval architecture. It is still possible, on payment of a fee to the appropriate person, to enter and view it via the subterranean entrances a little further along St Giles, which also have public toilets attached.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
All Welsh men are miners and sing in male voice choirs. On meeting a Welsh person, you should say Yacky Dar, offer them a leek and ask if they know Tom Jones.
-------------------- "I say - are you a matelot?" "Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here" From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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Oscar the Grouch
 Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
As Kevin Costner proved, it IS possible to get from Dover to Nottingham (via Hadrian's Wall) in a day on foot.
-------------------- Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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North East Quine
 Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
All Scots people know each other. So if you have an aunt in Edinburgh, and meet someone from Wick, you should ask them if they know her - they probably will.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
It is well known that residents of Virginia are not Americans. Sarah Palin said so. Would she lie to us? (Do not look over there, at George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson.)
-------------------- Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Spike
 Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Ariel: Anyone visiting Oxford shouldn't miss the sunken cathedral in St Giles. Just outside the Randolph Hotel, the spire is now sadly all that remains above ground of this once glorious piece of medieval architecture. It is still possible, on payment of a fee to the appropriate person, to enter and view it via the subterranean entrances a little further along St Giles, which also have public toilets attached.
Also, while in Oxford, you'll be interested to know that the activity of riding punts on the river is known as "cottaging". If you'd like to take part, simply find a policeman or university professor and ask them to take you to the nearest location where you can can indulge in some cottaging. [ 14. January 2015, 18:30: Message edited by: Spike ]
-------------------- "May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Hedgehog
 Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
And while you are looking for that policeman, remember that they are all called Bobby. To be a policeman you need to be named Robert.
-------------------- "We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Chorister
 Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Everyone in the South West of England is related to Uncle Tom Cobley. We all wear smocks and go around with ears of corn in our mouths. It is difficult to speak with said full mouths, so in answer to any question, we are likely to answer 'Oo arr oo arr ay'. The same effect can be observed if you ever try to engage a Westcountryman in conversation while he is eating his daily pasty.
-------------------- Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
You need not worry about theft, because all thieves by law are required when going about their business to wear a face mask and a striped tee-shirt and to carry a bag over their shoulder, informatively marked SWAG.
When arrested, they are required to say 'It's a fair cop, gov'. Indeed, the statements they make to the police start with those words pre-printed at the top, immediately below the space for their name and nick-name to be inserted.
Cleaners are required always to introduce themselves with the customary phrase 'shall I do you now, Sir/Madam?'
-------------------- Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
On being introduced to a Welsh, Scottish or Irish person, they will appreciate it if you attempt to speak to them in your attempt at their own accent.
Modern Britain being both a dynamic multi-cultural society and very proud of its being so, these days, you should afford the same courtesy to persons of Indian or Afro-Carribean descent. [ 14. January 2015, 20:33: Message edited by: Enoch ]
-------------------- Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Athrawes
Ship's parrot
# 9594
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Posted
All Australians speak and act like Crocodile Dundee - strewth! We all own kangaroos, all the wildlife is trying to kill you, except the koala, which is really sweet and cuddly. Mif you see one in a gum tree, climb it and give the cute little thing a pat. It will love it. (Medical disclaimer - while not all our wildlife is trying to kill you, the koala is a wild animal. Touch one in the wild and it will disembowel you, then rip your face off. Those claws are there for a reason!)
-------------------- Explaining why is going to need a moment, since along the way we must take in the Ancient Greeks, the study of birds, witchcraft, 19thC Vaudeville and the history of baseball. Michael Quinion.
Posts: 2966 | From: somewhere with a book shop | Registered: Jun 2005
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Firenze
 Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
All Scottish males are particularly delighted to be addressed as You Jimmy, and all Scottish females as Senga Hen.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Dafyd
Shipmate
# 5549
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Posted
In central Edinburgh, above Princes Street Gardens, you will see the ship, the RRS Discovery, used by Robert Scott on his ill-fated expedition to the south pole.
-------------------- we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams
Posts: 10567 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Firenze: Two of my favourite pieces of advice are sadly superseded now: 'Have you tried the famous echo in the British Museum Reading Room?' and 'All brothels are marked by a blue lamp'.
Some still apply though:
'On entering a London Underground train, it is customary to shake hands with all the other people in the carriage'.
Those and more by the immortal Gerard Hoffnung
-------------------- Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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Leaf
Shipmate
# 14169
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Gwai: I have heard one person tell a tourist that the entire south side of my (large!) city is a place where it's just not safe to go.
Was it Jim Croce?
Posts: 2786 | From: the electrical field | Registered: Oct 2008
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Spike
 Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Chorister: Everyone in the South West of England is related to Uncle Tom Cobley. We all wear smocks and go around with ears of corn in our mouths. It is difficult to speak with said full mouths, so in answer to any question, we are likely to answer 'Oo arr oo arr ay'. The same effect can be observed if you ever try to engage a Westcountryman in conversation while he is eating his daily pasty.
All the inhabitants of the West Country are related to each other.
-------------------- "May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Gill H
 Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
Upon entering a pub, the traditional greeting to the assembled patrons is "Hello everyone, it's my round," You will soon find yourself surrounded by friendly locals eager to make your acquaintance.
-------------------- *sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Bob Two-Owls
Shipmate
# 9680
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Posted
All football derbys are played at the football ground alongside the famous racecourse in Derby. It is traditional to wear a brown bowler hat when you visit.
I have also heard an American tour guide in Bakewell telling her charges that before the Romans Derbyshire was in Wales.
Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
 Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
In New York City, the best bargains are to be had from street vendors, especially those offering well-known brand-name watches and other jewelry.
-------------------- "I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
Tip for Americans: when visiting other countries where English is spoken with quaint accents, you may have to speak louder for them to understand you.
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Pigwidgeon
 Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
A good foreign phrase book is always useful.
-------------------- "...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe." ~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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orfeo
 Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Athrawes: We all own kangaroos
Not just own. Ride.
-------------------- Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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orfeo
 Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Brenda Clough: It is well known that residents of Virginia are not Americans. Sarah Palin said so. Would she lie to us? (Do not look over there, at George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson.)
I once saw a National Geographic article that said that New Mexico has a lot of issues with this stuff. The stories ranged from being put through to the international section when trying to book a flight to Albuquerque, through to a church in the north-east somewhere proudly displaying the flags of all the countries to which it had sent missionaries.
-------------------- Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Zappa
Ship's Wake
# 8433
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Athrawes: All Australians speak and act like Crocodile Dundee - strewth! We all own kangaroos, all the wildlife is trying to kill you, except the koala, which is really sweet and cuddly. Mif you see one in a gum tree, climb it and give the cute little thing a pat. It will love it. (Medical disclaimer - while not all our wildlife is trying to kill you, the koala is a wild animal. Touch one in the wild and it will disembowel you, then rip your face off. Those claws are there for a reason!)
As the former Minister for tourism has stated koalas are quote: flea-ridden, piddling, stinking, scratching, rotten little things.
While I'm at it, while visiting New Zealand it is worth mentioning how proud kiwis must be of their Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
-------------------- shameless self promotion - because I think it's worth it and mayhap this too: http://broken-moments.blogspot.co.nz/
Posts: 18917 | From: "Central" is all they call it | Registered: Sep 2004
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Starbug
Shipmate
# 15917
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Posted
When visiting the Isle of Portland, it is customary to use this word as often as possible: rabbits
-------------------- “Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor
Posts: 1189 | From: West of the New Forest | Registered: Sep 2010
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Firenze
 Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
In Glasgow, wearing a blue, white and red jersey accessorised with a green and white scarf will draw appreciative comment from the locals.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Latchkey Kid
Shipmate
# 12444
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Posted
Australia hosts the Vienna Boy's Choir.
-------------------- 'You must never give way for an answer. An answer is always the stretch of road that's behind you. Only a question can point the way forward.' Mika; in Hello? Is Anybody There?, Jostein Gaardner
Posts: 2592 | From: The wizardest little town in Oz | Registered: Mar 2007
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North East Quine
 Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
When in the Scottish Highlands tell the locals how much you envy their simple peasant lifestyle, and say it slowly in case their grasp of English is poor.
Also, the joke about Gaelic not being a "real" language because it has to borrow words like spaghetti and helicopter from English always raises a merry laugh. [ 15. January 2015, 08:30: Message edited by: North East Quine ]
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
There is no snow in Australia. It never gets cold. Don't bring warm clothes in winter. Swim all year round. If your host, me, tells you otherwise, tell her that you know best, because someone told you in an American bar or an English pub. Ask your host, me, why a greatcoat hangs in the entrance hallway. Laugh hysterically at the answer. Go swim instead. In July. In Victoria. [ 15. January 2015, 08:29: Message edited by: Rowen ]
-------------------- "May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909
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Posted
Wales is a small county in the west of England.
Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Bob Two-Owls: I have also heard an American tour guide in Bakewell telling her charges that before the Romans Derbyshire was in Wales.
She probably had heard and misunderstood that the language of the Peak would have been British, which evolved into Welsh (and its relatives Cumbric, Cornish and Breton) in due course. There are of course several almost certainly British place names, especially of landscape features - Critch (from Crug, Hill), Derwent (Deruentio, British for Oak Valley), Dove (cf. ModW Dwfr, Water)
-------------------- Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by North East Quine: When in the Scottish Highlands tell the locals how much you envy their simple peasant lifestyle, and say it slowly in case their grasp of English is poor.
Also, the joke about Gaelic not being a "real" language because it has to borrow words like spaghetti and helicopter from English always raises a merry laugh.
Ah yes. Welsh gets that as well. Along with jokes about phlegm and having no vowels. It actually has more than English.
-------------------- Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Alan Cresswell
 Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by orfeo: quote: Originally posted by Brenda Clough: It is well known that residents of Virginia are not Americans. Sarah Palin said so. Would she lie to us? (Do not look over there, at George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson.)
I once saw a National Geographic article that said that New Mexico has a lot of issues with this stuff.
This is a true story (several other Shipmates can verify it). When, several years ago, we went to a Shipmeet in Santa Fe and then Colorado we wisely decided to see lots of the country by hiring a car in Washington DC and driving. We had car trouble (bald tires, shot suspension) and called the hire company from our Santa Fe hotel to be told the warranty was void for taking the car outside the US, presumably the girl on the phone didn't recognise the difference between Mexico and New Mexico.
-------------------- Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Drifting Star
 Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
Genuine ones from the boyfriend of an American friend while they were staying with us. It was his first visit to the UK, and he had worked these out for himself.
1. You cannot cycle in Britain because the roads are all too narrow, and it rains all the time.
2. We believe we are still living under the feudal system, this being apparent from the many terraced houses.
3. Watching Eastenders will familiarise you with all the issues facing the whole of the UK.
4. Inhabitants of the UK will be delighted to provide food, accommodation, transport and entertainment to people who, in return, offer such enlightened theories, and will not be at all offended by them. (Unlike the others, he did not directly state this one. I extrapolated it from his behaviour.)
-------------------- The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Stejjie
Shipmate
# 13941
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Posted
Everyone knows that it always rains here in Manchester. There are two things you should bear in mind about this:
1) Free umbrellas and raincoats are handed out at all train stations and at the airport.
2) All that rain makes the people soggy, damp, wet if you will. Some unscrupulous soggy Mancunians may try and shake your hand or even hug you. Don't let them! They are using their innate dampness to make you wet and prolonged exposure to such actions may result in your drowning. Last year alone, 10 people had to be taken to Manchester Royal Infirmary because of soggy attacks such as these. Be alert: carry your umbrella, resist all attempts at supposed "friendliness" from people who clearly aren't dressed for the weather.
-------------------- A not particularly-alt-worshippy, fairly mainstream, mildly evangelical, vaguely post-modern-ish Baptist
Posts: 1117 | From: Urmston, Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2008
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orfeo
 Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Rowen: There is no snow in Australia. It never gets cold.
Except in Canberra. It is always cold in Canberra. Even in the middle of summer, a nationally televised sporting event from Canberra will involve the commentators making remarks about the temperature.
(This last sentence is completely true. )
-------------------- Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Drifting Star: Inhabitants of the UK will be delighted to provide food, accommodation, transport and entertainment to people who, in return, offer such enlightened theories, and will not be at all offended by them. (Unlike the others, he did not directly state this one. I extrapolated it from his behaviour.)
Kind of like paying a travelling player, really. You don't get that entertainment for free!
Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007
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Felafool
Shipmate
# 270
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Posted
Some advice that seems to be implemented widely in UK:
It is mandatory to leave your chewing gum on the pavement.
Speed limits only apply if there is a speed camera.
In Cinemas, it is polite to engage in conversations during the film.
For a good night out, one must drink too much alcohol, vomit on the pavement, then go on a tour of the nearest A&E department.
-------------------- I don't care if the glass is half full or half empty - I ordered a cheeseburger.
Posts: 265 | Registered: May 2001
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Trudy Scrumptious
 BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider: Ah yes. Welsh gets that as well. Along with jokes about phlegm and having no vowels. It actually has more than English.
Having more vowels doesn't necessarily mean they're getting used as much, though, does it?
Anyway, from my own recent trip to England I am happy to assure other travellers that a troupe of travelling London players will entertain you nightly on late Tube rides back to where you're staying, with variations on a show entitled, "I Have Opinions and I Want to Yell Them," and its companion piece, "You're Drunk, Sit Down, Shut Up!"
-------------------- Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
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Drifting Star
 Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
Could you define 'widely', Felafool? I've lived in at least 10 counties in the UK, in towns, cities, villages and the countryside, and the only one that seems at all familiar to me is the speed limits one.
-------------------- The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Trudy Scrumptious: quote: Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider: Ah yes. Welsh gets that as well. Along with jokes about phlegm and having no vowels. It actually has more than English.
Having more vowels doesn't necessarily mean they're getting used as much, though, does it?
They do though. Welsh syllables are much like English ones; a consonant or cluster, a vowel, and sometimes an extra consonant.
Example: cwm (valley) - consonant (c), vowel (w) (equivalent of English 'oo'), consonant (m).
Then there's wyau - eggs. All vowels.
Which is where people get confused. W and Y are vowels in Welsh. Y's usually a vowel in English, to be honest. [ 15. January 2015, 11:09: Message edited by: Karl: Liberal Backslider ]
-------------------- Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Trudy Scrumptious
 BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
That's true; I have had that explained to me before, but I still have the natural reaction of most English speakers when I see a Welsh sign and what looks like a massive pile-up of consonants.
-------------------- Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
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