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Originally posted by Moo:

She was dealing with some kind of bad situation and couldn't see how God could let it happen. She literally shook her fist at God and told him what she thought. Immediately she felt engulfed in love.

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Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
We were away the early part of this week, up in the hills with my nephew and his wife. When we went shopping I wandered into a gift shop and the very first thing I saw, sitting on the cash desk, was this. How could I possibly not buy that? She is sitting beside me now helping me spot bullshit! If I produce any I expect to get bitten.

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Originally posted by clare:
So in the days of hosting, admining and ultimately Ark-ing, Erin and I and others got things done together. And from being a bit in awe of her, we got to know each other, a bit, enough: shared crisis, exhaustion, ideas, first drafts, dilemmas, strange asides. We tussled about judgement calls. We passed the baton between the timezones and tried to teaze through the sometimes stickyness of what was meant over what was typed. Not that we always saw eye to eye, team working is hard enough without the absence of face to face or phonecalls. But the creative process is exhilarating, and I can remember times, especially during the ark, when we both just kicked back with a ‘yeah this is good’.

And she was brilliant. Utterly reliable, organised, smart, principled and clearsighted. She gave credit to what everyone bought to the table, a part of her justly fabled generosity. She brought to us all both sharpness and glimpses of grace. I upped my game.

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My name is David Martin. I don't expect you to recognize the name because I have never been here before. However, at least some of you will recognize my ex-wife's name. Her name was Erin Melissa Etheredge.

Erin and I were married from 1995 until 2000. Our marriage was ill-advised in that it was born out of an internet attraction all-too-common in those days. We rushed to the altar as soon as we met face-to-face. I quickly came to believe that I had made a terrible mistake. Erin, on the other hand, continued to be overjoyed at having me as her husband. She was a sweet, bright, bubbly, innocent young lady. And I quickly turned into an uncaring, self-absorbed isolationist who was determined to go his own way. I cannot begin to quantify the amount of sorrow and hurt that I inflicted upon Erin. Not directly, but through deliberate neglect.

Still, she tried to bring me out of my shell for those five years. But my disgusting lack of interest broke her spirit eventually -- and in early 2000 she finally gave me the divorce I had so coveted. Till the end she held out hope that I would somehow change. I didn't. I believe my behavior is one of the reasons she retreated to this board

From there I progressed through a couple of casual relationships and even moved to another state. And, I now sadly admit, I pretty much forgot about Erin. Then I began experiencing a series of deeply emotional hardships that eventually caused me to question my own self worth, to begin loathing the man I was, progressing to hating myself for all of the emotional devastation I had wrought upon those who had the misfortune of straying into my orbit.

Erin Melissa Etheredge, or "Lissa" as I called her during the infancy of our marriage, was at the top of that list of those who had been abused by me. I resolved to contact all those who I had victimized and try to atone in some way for my shameful, sociopathic treatment of them. I wanted to tell Erin how wonderful she was -- a special person -- and tell her how utterly sorry I was for diminishing her inner light, even if only for an instant.

I searched for her online. I called the clinic, but the clinic Help Desk had no record of her. I thought it strange but resolved to call back during a normal work day to find her. Then I kept looking at online links to see if I could find anything else about her.

And then I found her obituary.

My heart exploded the moment I read it. It said that she had died suddenly four years ago. She was only 39. I desperately searched for, and eventually found her mother. I called hoping she could tell me that it was all some sort of horrible online "mistake." But was no mistake. That sweet girl, the woman I once sweetly called "Lissa," the woman who beamingly said "I do" at the altar to me, was gone forever. My grief exploded at that point. Between my sobs I told her mother of what I had been planning and that I will be forever haunted by both my memories and for my inability to seek forgiveness from her for my sickening behavior. I so wanted her to know how special I thought she was.

Now that is gone. Her mother did tell me, "David...she can hear you right now and knows how you feel." But I found no comfort in her words.

Why couldn't God take me instead? WHY NOT!!!!! Why did He have to take someone so wonderful and leave someone so wretched as me? I would gladly trade places with her right now just to give her back to her family, her friends, and to those who cherished her here on this board (I saw the wonderful comments made by board members in the condolence book). I left my own as well, but was too much in shock at the moment to do more than bleat out a wish for forgiveness.

I have cried for two days virtually non-stop. I know not what to do. Her mother told that I would just have to move on. But I don't know how. An apparently soul-less man who finally found his soul only to discover that not all of the world was able to wait.

I feel so empty, so devastated, so disgraceful.

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