He goes to the Protestant minister who lays hands on the hood and prays, "Bless, O Lord, this shiny new Cadillac!"

The man then goes to the priest, who sprinkles it with holy water and prays over the new car in Latin.

"Well, you can have the old rite if you want it, Pat," Father replied, "but it's so cold and formal! Now, with the new rite, there is warmth, and love and real participation! So, in your place, I'd take the new one." Ever obedient to the clergy, Paddy agreed.

On the day of the wedding, Paddy was driving to the church alone when one of the tyres on his car went flat! He removed his jacket, shirt, and tie, rolled his trouser legs to the knees, and fixed the tyre. By then, he was quite late (and fearful Brigid would think he wasn't going to show after thirty years!), so he put his clothing to rights quickly. Though all else was fine, Paddy did not realise that his trouser legs were still rolled.

Paddy rushed in to the church, quite breathless, and Father O'Farrell, seeing the state of his attire, called out to him, "Paddy! Pull down your trousers, now."

To which the Christian replies,

"Well, we may have taken the ten commandments from you, but you can't complain that we kept them."

A Bhuddist, a Hindu, a Sikh, a Jew, and a Catholic all fall out of an airplane without a parachute. Which one hits the ground first?

Well?

Think?

Different Religions?

What is the fundamentalist answer?

Are you there yet?

Or do you need more help?

The answer is ..........

'God, why is it. Why is it that we have sandwiches every day and they have 7 course meals?'

'Because my Child. I can't be bothered cooking just for the 2 of us.'
------

And one from Dave Allen:

The visitor to Hell is shown the terrible torment of the inhabitants there: they have 4 ft long ladles fixed to their hands and try to take stew from a great pot. There is frenetic activity, wailing and anguish because the ladles are so long that they cannot get the stew into their mouths and slop it everywhere and over themselves.

My joke:

He see's a parrot in a cage, the burgular goes up to the parrot and asks "did you just say that?" the parrot answers "Yes" The burgular laughs and says "Whats your name then?" and the parrot replies "Moses"

The burgular laughs again and says "Who would give such a stupid name to a parrot?"

Peter is checking the records on the first man and says, "Sir, it says here that you were a bit too fond of your drinking. so much so that you ended up marrying a woman named 'Brandy'. I am sorry, but we cannot let you enter."

The second couple then stand before Peter. Again he checks the records and says to the man, "Sir, it says here that you were taken with the accumulation of money, and were overly greed. Indeed, it seems you even married a woman named, 'Penny'. I am sorry, but you, too, must leave."

He called Karl Rahner into the "side chapel" first. Five minutes later, Karl emerged, near tears, and said, "How wrong I was!"

Hans Kung was next. Half an hour later, he emerged, quiet and humbled, and murmured, "How wrong I was!"

Ratzinger was last. Six hours later, Peter emerged, sobbing "How wrong I was!"

----
This joke was popular in certain RC circles during the 1970s, when taking the name of Vatican II in vain to justify the ...strange was popular.

Whenever anyone reaches heaven, he has the option of choosing any saint he wishes as a mentor to show him around until he's used to the territory. When Pope John XXIII arrived at the pearly gates, Peter informed him of this custom, and asked who he'd like to have for a mentor. Peter mentioned that, since admissions had been really low for the past few years, there was quite a selection available.
"The Holy Spirit, " replied John.
"The Holy Spirit!," thundered Peter. "No one has ever asked for Him! Do you know what his schedule is like... no, it would never do!" But John was adamant.
Finally, Peter said that, though the Holy Spirit was likely to be quite angered by John's insistence, he'd present the request.

The farmer can't offer them parts for the car nor any room in his house for the night but does offer to let them spend the night in his barn.

Well, two decide they'd rather sleep in the car, one in the front seat, one in the rear...the other will have to sleep in the barn.

So they draw straws and the Muslim loses and off to the barn he goes.

But a few minutes later, he comes back to the car and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are DOGS in that barn. Dog's are unclean. I can't sleep with dogs. Please don;t make me sleep with dogs!"

So the other two draw straws, this time the Jew loses and off to the barn he goes.

A few minutes later the Jew comes out and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are PIGS in that barn, Pigs are unlcean. Please don't make me sleep with pigs!"

So they all agree that the lawyer should spend the night in the barn instead.

The lawyer heads for the barn.

Once Santa was having a really bad day.

Mrs Claus had a headache
The elves local went out on strike
Rudolph got the runs on a test flight over Albuquerque

And then the door opened and golden light shown in and there was the cutest angel you ever saw, dragging in a Christmas Tree.

"Where do you want me to put the tree?", she asked.

Next day, one of Katie's friends, who'd learnt of the toast from her own husband, congratulated Katie on Mike's having raised such a flattering salute to her.

Three men, a rabbi, a Hindu priest and a lawyer, are walking along a country road when it becomes dark. They stop at a farm house and ask for lodging. The farmer agrees, but adds that he only has two spare beds, so one of the men must sleep in the barn. The Hindu agrees. The others go to bed.

A while later there is a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I am very sorry, sir," he says to the farmer, "But there is a cow in your barn. Cows are sacred to me. I cannot sleep with them." The rabbi volunteers to take his place.

A short while later there's another knock. It's the rabbi. "Sorry, gentlemen, but there is a pig in the barn! They're not kosher, so I can't sleep there." After much hemming and hawing, the lawyer agrees to replace the rabbi.

The Benedictine crossed himself, said, "Long live work and prayer!," and jumped into the ocean.
The Dominican said, "Long live Truth!," and jumped in.
The Franciscan said, "Long live God!" - and threw in the Jesuit.

-----

Dan wasn't the best of drivers, and, after one especially devastating collision, was shocked to see that it was Father O'Connor who was the driver of the car he'd smashed!

"Danny!," cried out the shaken and wounded priest, "You almost killed me!"

"There, there, Father," soothed Danny. "Keep yourself calm, now. It happens I have a bit of whiskey somewhere here... let me get a bit of it for you."

A while later, a bit pacified, Father O'Connor added, "Well, Danny, that was a foolish thing you did, but Lord knows we all make mistakes. Would you be joining me in a bit of the creature now - you yourself had quite a shock?"

"Oh, no, Father," Danny replied. "Since you're the one who got the worst of it, it's you who should be relaxing with the whiskey. I'll just sit here, now, and wait for the police."

----
An Augustinian, Benedictine, Dominican, and Franciscan were arguing amongst each other about which of their Orders had done the work most pleasing to God. It was becoming rather heated, and finally, before it disintegrated into a major unholy row, they decided to join in prayer and ask God to reveal His own choice.

Shortly afterward, a parchment drifted from the sky. On it was inscribed, "My sons, do not fight amongst yourselves! All of you are equally pleasing to me!" Signed: God, SJ

---
The following joke is absolutely terrible, but I include it because, when I once told it to a parish housekeeper, Mary, her response was far funnier than this horrid joke. For the rest of this to make sense, I must add that Mary, easily the best cook and housekeeper on earth, was a lady to spout much woe, and, in particular, to tell everyone, in detail, about the pain she suffered from her corns. The joke:

John was the sort of man who found that any decision he made was a disaster. He was relieved, on the occasion when he needed to take a flight to Brussels, that there was only one available. No decisions means no bad luck... or does it?

During the flight, the aircraft had major problems, and John was to find that he was dropping through the air, no parachute, hurtling to the ground! In desperation, John called, "Saint Francis, Saint Francis, help me!"

A big hand came forth from the sky and caught John mid-drop. "Oh, is that you, Saint Francis?"

A voice replied, "It is, my son, if indeed you have called upon me."

John sighed, "Oh, thank you, Saint Francis!"

The voice continued, "But one question first. Did you ask for Francis Xavier or Francis of Assisi?"

A week later, Smythe made his annual call on a very poor parish, and noticed another of the gold telephones there. He inquired if this was another line to heaven, and was told indeed it was. Again, he asked if he could use it, and was told that he was welcome to do so, but could he please leave a donation of 50p.

"50p? When I used the same telephone at another church, it cost me 50 thousand!"

An hour later, the Anglican said that he was getting hungry, and offered to go get lunch. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, walked to shore, picked up the picnic basket, and walked back. The Campbellite hardly noticed. The Baptist was dumbfounded.

A while later, the Baptist figured that if the others could do it, so could he. He announced that he was feeling a bit chilled and needed his jacket on shore. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and promptly sank to the bottom.

Well, the Angel of Death came back, totally wide-eyed, and said, "Sir, I've been on this job for over 6,000 years, and this is the first time God has OK'ed carry-on luggage! He said you could have 2 suitcases." So the old man puts his hands on the two suitcases of gold bullion, and he and the Angel go up to the pearly gates.

When St. Peter saw them approaching, he said, "No carry-ons." But the old man insisted that St. Pete contact God, that they had permission, and the Angel of Death confirmed it. St. Pete, still skeptical, picked up the golden telephone and before he asked the question, God granted permission for two suitcases for this particular soul.

WELL! St. Peter said to the man, "Look, I know it's none of my business, but I am SO curious--do you mind if I look in your bags." Smugly, the old man opened them both. St. Pete looks into one, then the other, then at the old man. Totally astonished, he says,

(Ready?)

"Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"He's been known to play the fiddle a bit, Father, but I've never heard him practising on any connubial."

"Do the two of you have a grudge?"
"Grudge? No, we have a car port."

quote:

---

Originally posted by Peregrinner:
Why are synagogues round?

So the jews can't hide in the corner.

---

I appreciate a good joke as well as anyone (posted several here myself) but this one is not only not funny, I find it offensive.

I don't get this one at all. You'll have to explain it, Mr Campbellite.

OK, I'm nipping this in the bud before it gets out of control. Granted, it wasn't the most appropriate joke for Heaven, but let's assume it was a lapse of judgement and not intended in malice.

Peregrinner--I wasn't thrilled with this joke, but I tried not jumping to conclusions and wasn't going to interfere. Please learn from this.

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

Jesus hit his ball next and it headed to the very same lake, except it landed and floated right on top of the water. Jesus walked on the water right up to it and splashed it up onto the green.

Next the old man drove his ball and it went into the same lake where it was swallowed by a frog, then spit out of the lake, hit a tree, picked up by a bird and dropped lightly into the hole. An incredible hole-in-one.

The priest says "Well, I put a box on the floor. Then I toss all the money we've collected up in the air. Whatever lands in the box, that's what I live on."

The rabbi adds "I do almost the same thing, except I draw a circle on the floor with a piece of chalk. What lands in the circle is my salary."

The TV evangelist has his turn: "Too complicated! Why mess with boxes and chalk? I just toss all the money way up in the air, and whatever God doesn't grab, it's mine!"

Another:
A man dies and goes to Hell. As he is getting a tour he sees a group of people being boiled in oil, and asks what they had done wrong. "They're Jews who ate pork," replied the Devil.

The tour continues into a room where people are being whipped mercilessly by little demons. "Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent," the Devil explained.

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers

**************************************

Then there was a Catholic priest on a train with a Rabbi. This being a Virgin West Coast train from London to Manchester, it came to a halt somewhere in Staffordshire for two hours, and the clerics reached the point where they were sharing confidences like old friends. 'Tell me, Rabbi', said the priest, 'just between ourselves, have you ever eaten bacon?' 'Well, Father, I must admit that I did once try some. Just to satisfy my curiosity, you understand. And while we are sharing our most intimate secrets, have you ever given into the temptation to break your vow of chastity?' 'Well, Rabbi, I must admit that I did, just the once, to satisfy my curiosity, you understand'.

There was a reflective silence for a moment, then the Rabbi commented, 'Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?'

****************************

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
One from the Old Boards...

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

"No, and I'm Jewish, but I had to tell somebody!"

---

You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.

---

In my mind, the punchline relies on the person being non-Catholic. The actual religion of the confessor is irrelevant, so this joke isn't making fun of the person for being a Jew. You could use a baptist, but I think it works a bit better if the person isn't associated with any Christian church, since many non-Christians don't distinguish between denominations/sects.
Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if this joke originated with one of our many Jewish comedians.

----------------------------------------

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister were having a picnic one hot summer's day, and decided as there was nobody around, and a lake nearby, to go skinny-dipping.

They leave their clothes and vestments on some bushes, and jump into the lake.

Just then several vans drive up with ladies from each clergyman's congregation. The priest and the minister run helter-skelter for their clothes, shielding their private parts with both hands. The Rabbi strolls casually over to his clothes, shielding his face with his hands.

When they are all dressed and back at a cafe in town talking about their experience, the priest and the minister turned to the rabbi and said, "Why did you hide your face instead of your private parts?"

The Rabbi says, "Well obviously I can't speak for you gentlemen, but the ladies of my congregation would recognize my face, not my privates...."

--------------------------

Four rabbis were arguing about whose interpretation of the Torah was the correct one. It was three against one. Finally the one said, "If my interpretation is correct, may Ha-Shem confirm it himself!"

Just then a voice came from the sky, "Why do you three argue with my beloved rabbi, whose interpretation is the correct one?"

The three said, "Okay, now it's three against TWO."

--------------------------------

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam were talking about their experiences of the miraculous. The imam said, "I was lost in a terrible blizzard, and prayed to Allah to save me, and all around me for 100 yards it was as warm as a spring day. I made it back to my house and thanked Allah for his great mercy."

The priest said, "I was rowing in a boat when a squall came up and threatened to capsize me. I prayed out to Jesus Christ, and all around me for 100 yards it was as calm as a still morning. I rowed safely to shore and thanked Jesus Christ for his great mercy."

The Rabbi said, "I was walking to synagogue, when all of a sudden I saw a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. I couldn't pick it up because that would be doing work on the Sabbath. So I prayed to Ha-Shem, and all around me for 100 yards it was Tuesday...."

---------------------------------

The minister argued eloquently that life begins at birth.

The Priest argued that the teachings of the Church made it clear that life begins at conception.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.

---

Though I think humor suffers from belabored explanations, I'll help you out, Fiddle and others. There is a very easy rule of thumb about such jokes, laid out by Miss Manners (etiquette writer Judith Martin's nom de plume)

Peregrinner's joke was quite offensive because it was a joke told about an identifiable group, by an outsider to that group, based on (long-standing) negative stereotypes of that group.

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

And, dear Fiddleback, if you wish to argue against Political Correctness in general, you know very well that Heaven, on a joke thread, isn't the place for it.

St. Peter turns to the first blonde. "What is the importance of Easter?"

She says, "That's when everyone gets to wear masks and cool costumes and people give you candy when you go door to door."

St. Peter pushes a button and activates a trap door, and asks the second blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Easter is a big religious holiday, and we go shopping at great stores and wrap up cool presents and give them to each other. But I forget why that is religious, sorry."

St. Peter pushes the same button and asks the third blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Oh, this is very important. Jesus died horribly on a cross to save us from our sins, and after he died he was put into a cave-tomb thing, with a big rock in front," and at this point St. Pete begins to reach for a halo and harp, but the blonde continues, "and the angel rolls the stone away, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter."*

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?