quote:

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Originally posted by RainShowers:
A daddy was listening to his child start his evening prayer, "Dear Howard...."

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?

The little boy looked up and said, "That's waht they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

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Of course, in Britain He's called Harold

quote:

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Originally posted by Laura:
Administrator Hat Still On

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

<snip>

Administrator Hat /Off

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quote:

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Originally posted by RainShowers:
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

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In his young days as a naval officer Lord Louis Mountbatten was given command of HMS Wishart after having commanded HMS Daring. He took some of his officers and crew with him to the new ship and there is an (allegedly true) story that, having previously served in a ship with the heart-stirring name of "Daring", they were a little disappointed that their new ship was called "Wishart" (named after a fairly obscure British Admiral). Mountbatten, hearing of this, said to them that while HMS Daring had a fine name, they should be proud that their new ship was named after Almighty god himself,

The Assembly of the Uniting Church was in session when the fire alarm sounded.
The ex-Methodists cried, "Wait, we must form a committee to see that all is done in decency and order!"
The ex-Presbyterians shouted, "Save the Offertory Plates!"
The ex-Congregationalists said, "Every man for himself!"

St. Peter takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into
Heaven that day with him to the bathroom to have something read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from earth to heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus explains that he doesn't have the book but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted to heaven.

Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explained "In English my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the world; he was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My biggest single reason for trying to get into heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY Father?"

quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ultraspike:

An Anglican sacristy has a full-length mirror.

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One man, very firm in his faith, climbed to the roof of his home. Two men in a rowboat (punt) came by, and said, "We have room, get in, we can take you to safety." The man on the roof refused, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Later, a motorboat with other refuges came by, and offered him the last seat, but he declined, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Day turned into night. The waters rose more and more. The man was forced to hold onto the chimney to keep from being tossed into the water. A helicopter with a search light came along. The pilot saw the man, and the co-pilot threw a rope ladder to him. "CLIMB UP! WE WILL TAKE YOU TO SAFETY" came the message from the loudspeaker. "I TRUST IN THE LORD, AND THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" the man on the roof shouted back. The helicopter stayed there for a few minutes more, hoping he would change his mind, but they finally banked away to look for other survivors.

The night dragged on. Finally, the man on the roof was so exhausted that his hands slipped and he fell into the water and drowned. His soul left his body and he travelled to the very throne of God.

"Why didn't you save me?" the man cried out, in front of the angels and saints. "I trusted you!"

***********

And God said to Moses, “Keep taking the tablets”

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And the Profit said, “Go forth and multiply…..or words to that effect.”

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Silently he descended the stairs and searched in the darkness.

Sure enough, in the dining room, he saw a man rummaging through his silver drawer.

Why won't a premillenial dispensationsist go to the dentist?

They refuse to say "ah".

The Bishop was dying. Due to his weakness, his doctor gave strict orders that he receive only the most important visitors. Many distinguish clergymen and parishioners were turned away. The Bishop, however, insisted on seeing an old friend who was now a militant atheist.

After a brief visit, the atheist wondered aloud why he, out of all the Bishop's friends, was admitted.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tanned, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

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Originally posted by Gill B:
A barber had just opened up his new business. One of his first customers was a Catholic priest, and he declined payment from him. The following morning he found a bottle of wine on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Father Flanagan'.

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers
(Groan....bad joke....)
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One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.'

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I have always heard this joke told as " Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter says you have done both good and bad things...so we are letting you tour heaven and hell. He went to hell and he saw beautiful beaches and women and computers and loved it. He went to heaven and spent time there. When SP asked where he wanted to be, he said hell. Sp said Ok. A week later, Bill is in anguish and being tortured. Where are all the beaches and women? he asked. The devil laughed. That's just a screensaver.

"Sweetheart, this is GORGEOUS!," the Mrs exclaims. "Such wonderful fine leather. How could you afford such elegant material?"

A man is travelling through a Jewish area when his watch goes wrong. Seeing a shop with a lot of clocks in the window he goes in and asks for his watch to be repaired. "I'm sorry," says the shopkeeper, "I'm not a watch repairer, I'm the local moyle" (see above joke). "Well why have you got clocks in your window then?" asks the traveller. "What would you put in the window?" replies the moyle.

BTW did you realise that the purse in Mr Tyndale's Ghost's joke was a magic purse?

'Well, every time you preached a bad sermon, I put an egg into the box'.

He decided that seven duff sermons in the course of his long ministry was not bad going, and felt rather cheered at the prospect. 'And what about the £350?' he asked.

Sadie is complaining to Sam one night that they never travel. "Every week I go to the mah jong game," she says, "And all the girls are bragging about the great places that they've been to. Sylvia's just been to Jerusalem. Sarah's just gotten back from Tokyo. And where do we ever go? The Catskills!"

Sam offers a solution: "Listen, sweetheart, you know we cant afford any fancy trips right now. But here's what I'll do. Right next to my office is a travel agency. I'll go in and get you some brochures. You can read them, and pretend you've been to the places they describe!"

Sadie agrees to try this, and Sam brings home a thick stack of booklets about Italy. Next week at the mah jong game the following dialogue takes place:

Sarah: "So, Sadie, where did you and Sam go last summer?"

Sadie: "Funny you should ask. We took a tour of Italy!"

Sarah: "Really, tell me about it."

Sadie: "Oh, it was SOOOOOOO gorgeous. And we even got a chance to see the Vatican, and to get an audience with the Pope!"

Sarah: "I am SO JEALOUS! So, tell me, Sadie, what's he like."

quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?!?!?!?

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

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There is a little known addendum to the gospel story of the woman taken in adultery. Jesus said, "Let those who are among you who are without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly, a single stone came hurling through the air, and Jesus, puzzled, looked at the source.

(This is bad.)

When he got to the pearly gates, the recording angel asked for his name - to which he replies "Jones - Dai".

"Dai bach, you're just in time for Choir practice, come on in!"

Dai is now in heaven, literally, singing his heart out. The heavenly choir has 10,000 sopranos, 10,000 altos, 10,000 basses and Dai is the only tenor! St. Peter is taking the rehearsal, but after a few bars, he taps his cloud of a music stand and says:

"Will the tenors please make a little less noise."

One day a electrician died and went off to heaven. When he got there St. Peter was at the Pearly gates, he was looking flustered and told him, "I'm sorry but we have had our fill of people today and seeing as you are noone special we will have to send you off to hell, maybe try again in a few days time" So off he went to hell. When he got there it was hot and horrible, typical hell. He went up to the devil and asked "Can i start doing this place up a bit 'cause it aint half a dump". The devil gave him permission and so off he went. A few days later God and the Devil were having a phone conversation (without Bob). The devil was speaking "Oh remember that electrician chap you sent down a few days ago as you were full up, well he has been very useful down here. Oh yes, we have air conditioners everywhere and have vaccum cleaners getting the place tidy, fridges and freezers are in all of the houses now. Thanks very much for giving him too us."
God cut him off at this point "Hey listen up, i think i want some fridges around here. I want him back"
Devil: "Tough he is staying here he is too much of an asset."
God: "I take you to court"

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Originally posted by Holier than thou?:
I really must say that the Amish one was a little unfair, i mean at least all of the others so far insulted have an opportunity to answer back! Actually they do have an ISP but it is Amish Off Line (AOL) which seems to be specifically designed to inhibit the use of technology!

Does God have net access?
If so what ISP would he use?

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when was the first cricket match?
when peter stood up with the eleven and was bold.

Fr Ross was in the confessional on a Saturday afternoon (a long queue outside, of course) when Peg entered. They chatted a bit after she made her confession. Peg had been away from the parish for an extended period of time, and mentioned that she'd become a professional gymnast. Father commented that he'd always found that sort of work fascinating.

"Well, then, Father," said Peg, "Take a peak out - I'll show you a bit of gymnastics." She exited the confessional, and began to do some handsprings in the aisle.

Mrs Reilly, next on the queue, moaned to the lady next to her, "Ooooooh, sure and look what penances Father is giving today, and me without me knickers on!"

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This really happened, but sounds like a joke, so I'll include it.

Eleanor had been hearing various "ways of devotion" from other married ladies of her acquaintance, some of which left her puzzled about how to always do what is most perfect. She asked her (our) pastor if it was all right for married couples to have sex before receiving Communion.

His answer, "So long as you do not block the aisles."
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Another stupid confessional joke - and I heard this one from a bishop!

A priest who was hearing the confessions of children heard six boys in succession say, "Bless me, Father, I have sinned - I threw peanuts in the lake." He naturally was puzzled, wondering why that would be considered a sin by the children.

Another boy entered the confessional next, and Father wearily said to him, "I suppose you are going to tell me you threw peanuts in the lake as well!"

"No, Father," came the response, "I'm Peanuts."

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I know that at least one or two others on the Ship are of Italian parentage, and, though they are the only ones who'll catch this joke, I thought it was worth posting. (It indeed is religious - the southern Italian religious practise is primarily centred on marriage and family obligations.)

A married Italian couple were having a dreadful row, and had reached the point of hurling insults at one another.

The husband stormed, "If you don't stop it, I'm going to tell people that you had sex with me before we got married!"

Sam was feeling guilty about something, so he decides that he will go to confession and talk to a priest, even though he is not Catholic. The priest tells him, after hearing the confession, to pray a certain number of rosaries.

Cut back to the bar. Sam is exiting his office, rosary in hand, talking with his Catholic co-worker, Carla. He says, "So I have to say all that on each of these beads?"
She replies,

What is the earliest ever reference to a see-saw?

Joseph served in the courts of Pharaoh.