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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Heaven: Favorite religion-themed jokes (Page 2)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Favorite religion-themed jokes
Joan the Outlaw-Dwarf

Ship's curiosity
# 1283

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quote:
Originally posted by RainShowers:
A daddy was listening to his child start his evening prayer, "Dear Howard...."

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?

The little boy looked up and said, "That's waht they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".


Of course, in Britain He's called Harold

Reminds me of the fact that when I was little I was convinced that at the end of the readings everyone said "Thanks Peter God". It was only after bothering to look at a service book that I realised they were actually saying "Thanks be to God"!

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"There is a divine discontent which has always helped to better things."


Posts: 1123 | From: Floating in the blue | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
Administrator Hat Still On

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

<snip>

Administrator Hat /Off


I supppose I should really let this subject die, but I have to go on the record as saying that I found the joke amusing, so it is not true that "no one found it funny".
I also took it as generic (i.e., not depending on the Jewish reference to make it funny); perhaps because I have known of many non-round synagogues, not to mention quite a number of Christian churches which didn't have corners, so I just took it as a joke about religious people, *any* religious people, wanting to hide from God. (And don't we all have that urge at times?)


Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chapelhead*

Ship’s Photographer
# 1143

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quote:
Originally posted by RainShowers:
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

In his young days as a naval officer Lord Louis Mountbatten was given command of HMS Wishart after having commanded HMS Daring. He took some of his officers and crew with him to the new ship and there is an (allegedly true) story that, having previously served in a ship with the heart-stirring name of "Daring", they were a little disappointed that their new ship was called "Wishart" (named after a fairly obscure British Admiral). Mountbatten, hearing of this, said to them that while HMS Daring had a fine name, they should be proud that their new ship was named after Almighty god himself,

"Our Father Wishart in heaven".

--------------------
Benedikt Gott Geschickt!


Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Elijah on Horeb
Apprentice
# 1614

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This one arose in the earlier years of the Uniting Church in Australia, comprising a union of Methodists, Presbyterians and Congregationalists. At that time we were still getting to one another's peculiarities!

The Assembly of the Uniting Church was in session when the fire alarm sounded.
The ex-Methodists cried, "Wait, we must form a committee to see that all is done in decency and order!"
The ex-Presbyterians shouted, "Save the Offertory Plates!"
The ex-Congregationalists said, "Every man for himself!"


A doctor, an architect and a civil servant were debating which of theirs was the oldest profession (that is, after that other one which is almost universally agred to be the oldest!)
The doctor said, "When God removed the rib from Adam in order to create Eve, there would have to have been a doctor in attendance at that operation."
The architect replied, "But God would have needed the services of an architect when he first planned to create the world out of chaos."
"Ah!" said the civil servant, "but you know, where there is chaos, there must always be a civil servant!"


Posts: 20 | From: Brisbane Queensland Australia | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Calvin
Shipmate
# 271

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Saint Peter is watching the gates of heaven but really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes and Jesus says "fine"

St. Peter takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into
Heaven that day with him to the bathroom to have something read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from earth to heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus explains that he doesn't have the book but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted to heaven.

Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explained "In English my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the world; he was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My biggest single reason for trying to get into heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus and asks, "Are you Pinocchio?"

--------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.


Posts: 305 | From: Here and Now | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?!?!?!?

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, seeing as their hands are already in the air!!

How many evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten, one to change it, and nine to pray against the evils of darkness!!!!

How many worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
One; He/she just puts it in the socket and the rest of the world revolves around him!!!!

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today!!!!

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stephen
Shipmate
# 40

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quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

I believe HT had quite a good take on this a while back.
One to call the electrician,one to mix the martinis and one to whinge about how much better the old light-bulb was.....
Of course this is all very well,but nobody's considered the feelings of the light-bulb.I mean the light -bulb has really got to
want to change......

--------------------
Best Wishes
Stephen

'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10


Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
daisymay

St Elmo's Fire
# 1480

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Jesus has just fininshed writing in the sand and saying, "The one who is without sin, throw the first stone," and the elders are creeping away, eldest first. The woman caught in adultery stands up, and a stone comes whizzing thro the air and hits her and hits her right between the eyes. Jesus looks over the crowd and sighs, "Mother, how could you?"

---------------------------
An old shul in the East End and the ladies decide to clean and polish it. Afterwards, they put up a notice saying, "No Spitting!" Next Shabbas an old man comes in and mutters, "What! have we gone Reform!"

--------------------
London
Flickr fotos


Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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What's the difference between a Baptist sacristy, a Roman Catholic sacristy and an Anglican sacristy?

A Baptist sacristy has a picture of Jesus.
An RC sacristy has a picture of Mary.
An Anglican sacristy has a full-length mirror.

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A cowgirl's work is never done.


Posts: 2732 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stephen
Shipmate
# 40

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quote:
Originally posted by Ultraspike:

An Anglican sacristy has a full-length mirror.

Of course.,.....how else are you going to check that you're robed correctly?


--------------------
Best Wishes
Stephen

'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10


Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Anydaynow
Apprentice
# 2074

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What are the three ages of man?

First, to believe in Santa
Second, to want to be Santa
Three, just kinda looks like Santa.

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Help me sort it out, okay?


Posts: 25 | From: New York | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Anydaynow
Apprentice
# 2074

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...a community of ducks waddling off to duck church to hear the duck preacher. The duck preacher spoke eloquently of how God had given the ducks wings with which to fly. With these wings there was nowhere the ducks could not go, there was no God-given task the ducks could not accomplish. With those wings they could soar into the presence of God himself. Shouts of "Amen" were quacked throughout the duck congregation. At the conclusion of the service, the ducks left, commenting on what a wonderful message they had heard -- and waddled back home. -not a joke but a sort of a parable by Soren Kierkegaard

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Help me sort it out, okay?

Posts: 25 | From: New York | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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A terrible hurricane and flood came. People were evacuated and quickly as possible, but some were trapped by the rising water.

One man, very firm in his faith, climbed to the roof of his home. Two men in a rowboat (punt) came by, and said, "We have room, get in, we can take you to safety." The man on the roof refused, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Later, a motorboat with other refuges came by, and offered him the last seat, but he declined, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Day turned into night. The waters rose more and more. The man was forced to hold onto the chimney to keep from being tossed into the water. A helicopter with a search light came along. The pilot saw the man, and the co-pilot threw a rope ladder to him. "CLIMB UP! WE WILL TAKE YOU TO SAFETY" came the message from the loudspeaker. "I TRUST IN THE LORD, AND THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" the man on the roof shouted back. The helicopter stayed there for a few minutes more, hoping he would change his mind, but they finally banked away to look for other survivors.

The night dragged on. Finally, the man on the roof was so exhausted that his hands slipped and he fell into the water and drowned. His soul left his body and he travelled to the very throne of God.

"Why didn't you save me?" the man cried out, in front of the angels and saints. "I trusted you!"

God shrugged. "I sent you two boats and and helicopter. What more did you want?"


Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Charles
Shipmate
# 357

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A minister and a bank manager were out playing golf.
The bank manager was not having a good game.
He sliced his shots, he ended up in the ditch, the stream, the pond, the rough, you name it, he did it!
As the game progressed the bank manager got more, and more, bad tempered and his language worse!
It was **** this and b***** that and s** that!
I put in stars to spare your blushes!
The minister tut-tutted at every new outburst until, on the 17th he said to the bank manager, “You must realise that your language is most displeasing to God. He must be very angry with you. You will reap your reward!”
At the 18th tee the bank manager missed his ball completely whereupon he let out a torrent of foul language!
No sooner had he spoken than a dark cloud formed in the heavens and thunder rolled.
Suddenly a fork of lightning came down and killed the minister.
At once a loud voice was heard saying, “F*ck it missed!”

***********

And God said to Moses, “Keep taking the tablets”

***********

And the Profit said, “Go forth and multiply…..or words to that effect.”

***********

Happy New Year!


--------------------
Charles


Posts: 115 | From: Blairgowrie, Perthshire, Scotland | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

You can't change that, my grandmother donated it in 1957.

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing


Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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A Quaker heard a noise downstairs in the middle of the night. fearing it might be a burglar, he got up, grabbed his hunting rifle and went to investigate.

Silently he descended the stairs and searched in the darkness.

Sure enough, in the dining room, he saw a man rummaging through his silver drawer.

The Quaker aimed his rifle, turned on the lights and said, "Pardon me, friend. I wouldst not harm thee for anything, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035

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Fr. O'Grady got out of bed one sunny morning, and really really didn't feel like going to say mass in the convent, so he called them to say he was sick and went to play golf instead. At the first hole, he got a hole in one...at the second, another hole in one and so it went until the 18th hole, where he fell to his knees to give thanks for the round he had played. "Thankyou Father, for making me such a great golfer!" he said. "Ah yes," came a voice back. "But who are you going to tell?"

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Starting (yet) again...

Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
brodavid
Shipmate
# 460

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From the "Theological/Obscure" file:

Why won't a premillenial dispensationsist go to the dentist?

They refuse to say "ah".


Remember, an explanation would only spoil the humor.

--------------------
Brodavid

"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds


Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
daisymay

St Elmo's Fire
# 1480

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An Orangeman is dying. He tells his family to send for the priest. After querying whether his mind is going, they do so. The priest is brought to the bed-side of the dying man and the others are sent out. after a while the priest comes out smiling. He says nothing. The family rush in and ask what has been going on. The Orangeman says, "I've just been received into the Roman Catholic Church." Shock, horror from everyone present. Then his wife says, "But you have fought these papists all your life!" "Yes," the dying man replies, "better one of them dies than one of us."

--------------------
London
Flickr fotos

Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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Another deathbed joke:

The Bishop was dying. Due to his weakness, his doctor gave strict orders that he receive only the most important visitors. Many distinguish clergymen and parishioners were turned away. The Bishop, however, insisted on seeing an old friend who was now a militant atheist.

After a brief visit, the atheist wondered aloud why he, out of all the Bishop's friends, was admitted.

"I'm sure I'll see all my other friends in Heaven," said the Bishop. "This is the last chance I have to see you!"

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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll


Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks". So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tanned, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing


Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
James
Shipmate
# 495

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day but due to a mix-up at the Pearly Gates Bill is admitted to Heaven while the Pope is sent to Hell.
The Pope protests to the angel taking him down the stairs and the angel promises to have a word with the guys in the office to sort the problem out.
Sure enough, the next morning the Pope-after an uncomfortable night-is called to the bottom of the stairs where the attendant apologises and sends him on his way to heaven. Halfway up he meets Bill and overcome by his conscience he apologises "Sorry Bill but I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
and Bill replies "Well you've come one day too late"

Posts: 138 | From: Durham, UK | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
AbundantJoy
Apprentice
# 2082

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quote:
Originally posted by Gill B:
A barber had just opened up his new business. One of his first customers was a Catholic priest, and he declined payment from him. The following morning he found a bottle of wine on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Father Flanagan'.

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers
(Groan....bad joke....)
**************************************

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.'


I have always heard this joke told as " Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter says you have done both good and bad things...so we are letting you tour heaven and hell. He went to hell and he saw beautiful beaches and women and computers and loved it. He went to heaven and spent time there. When SP asked where he wanted to be, he said hell. Sp said Ok. A week later, Bill is in anguish and being tortured. Where are all the beaches and women? he asked. The devil laughed. That's just a screensaver.

(ps. Jesus is always a better computer techie because Jesus saves! )


Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Tyndale's Ghost
Shipmate
# 251

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A moyle wants to give his wife a special gift for their anniversary. (For those of you unaware of the term, a moyle is a doctor who performs ritual circumcisions on Jewish babies). Anyway, the big day comes and he presents his wife with a beautiful purse.

"Sweetheart, this is GORGEOUS!," the Mrs exclaims. "Such wonderful fine leather. How could you afford such elegant material?"

"Easy, I saved my tips."


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Steve_R
Shipmate
# 61

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And whilst we're on the subject...

A man is travelling through a Jewish area when his watch goes wrong. Seeing a shop with a lot of clocks in the window he goes in and asks for his watch to be repaired. "I'm sorry," says the shopkeeper, "I'm not a watch repairer, I'm the local moyle" (see above joke). "Well why have you got clocks in your window then?" asks the traveller. "What would you put in the window?" replies the moyle.


BTW did you realise that the purse in Mr Tyndale's Ghost's joke was a magic purse?


Rub it gently and it turns into a suitcase...

--------------------
Love and Kisses, Steve_R


Posts: 990 | From: East Sussex | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ann

Curious
# 94

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A priest lay dying. He asked for his lawyer and banker to see him on his death bed. As they came near he grasped their hands and prepared to meet his Maker. The men were curious and asked why he wanted them near him and, with his last breath, he told them, "Jesus died between two thieves, and so shall I."

--------------------
Ann

Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Old Hundredth
Shipmate
# 112

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An elderly minister had just retired, and finding himself with some time to spare, he decided to decorate the bedroom. As he moved the furniture, he discovered a box in the back of the wardrobe, containing £350 and eight eggs. He asked his wife what they were for.

'Well, every time you preached a bad sermon, I put an egg into the box'.

He decided that seven duff sermons in the course of his long ministry was not bad going, and felt rather cheered at the prospect. 'And what about the £350?' he asked.

'Well, every time I got up to a dozen I sold them.'

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If I'm not in the Chapel, I'll be in the bar (Reno Sweeney, 'Anything Goes')


Posts: 976 | From: The land of the barm cake | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Puffin
Apprentice
# 1295

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A man went to see a consultant about a brain transplant. Medical discussions progressed well and so they moved on to the questions of cost. "There are various options, " explained the consultant. " You could have a general's brain for 20,000 pounds or you might prefer an academic's brain for 30,000 pounds. Unless of course you'd like a clergyman's brain for 100,000 pounds." "Why does a clergyman's brain cost so much more?" asked the patient curiously. "Hardly used, as new, " came the terse reply.
Posts: 40 | From: Glasgow | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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Mr. Tyndale's Ghost--you should have posted that one on the circumcism-mas thread--the folks there have been wondering what happens to the "tips."
Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Tyndale's Ghost
Shipmate
# 251

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Sam and Sadie jokes are popular with my Jewish friends. If you want a Christian equivalent, change them to Olie and Lena Norwegian Lutheran jokes. Anyway, here goes...

Sadie is complaining to Sam one night that they never travel. "Every week I go to the mah jong game," she says, "And all the girls are bragging about the great places that they've been to. Sylvia's just been to Jerusalem. Sarah's just gotten back from Tokyo. And where do we ever go? The Catskills!"

Sam offers a solution: "Listen, sweetheart, you know we cant afford any fancy trips right now. But here's what I'll do. Right next to my office is a travel agency. I'll go in and get you some brochures. You can read them, and pretend you've been to the places they describe!"

Sadie agrees to try this, and Sam brings home a thick stack of booklets about Italy. Next week at the mah jong game the following dialogue takes place:

Sarah: "So, Sadie, where did you and Sam go last summer?"

Sadie: "Funny you should ask. We took a tour of Italy!"

Sarah: "Really, tell me about it."

Sadie: "Oh, it was SOOOOOOO gorgeous. And we even got a chance to see the Vatican, and to get an audience with the Pope!"

Sarah: "I am SO JEALOUS! So, tell me, Sadie, what's he like."

Sadie: "Oh, he's a wonderful man. His wife, though, I could do without."


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
jch
Apprentice
# 2096

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re-heard this one: St. Peter says to Grandma that no one can get into heaven unless they are like God - but since humans are mortal, God give them a special deal: all they need is 1,000 points to get in. Grandma says "I was a missionary for 5 years in the jungles of Java!"
"There's a point!" says Peter.
She says "Well, I raised 4 children well and took them to church every Sunday".
"That's another point!" says Peter.
After an hour of reflecting, Grandma has only 100 points and is despairing. Finally, she says "I guess I'll have to throw myself at the feet of Jesus!"
"Bingo!" says Peter, "You've got the rest of your points!"

Posts: 1 | From: Washington, US | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
IrvinDYalom
Shipmate
# 606

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I'm wondering if anyone else has heard of Frisbeetarianism.

It's the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.


Posts: 76 | From: Southampton, U.K. | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
shoewoman
Shipmate
# 1618

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A missionary is walking through the desert when he meets two apparently hungry lions. He falls on his knees and starts praying: "Lord, save me, please! Work a miracle and transform these savage beasts into Christians!" When he opens his eyes again, the lions are sitting in front of him with folded paws. He can't believe his eyes and begins to shout "Hallelujah!", when he hears them praying: "Thank you, Lord, for giving us food......"

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Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....

Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
shoewoman
Shipmate
# 1618

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Paddy and Johnnie are two young Irish boys full of mischief. Their priest decides it's high time to teach them a lesson, so he tries to catch them after mass. He manages to get one of them, the other runs away. So now there is Paddy standing in front of the priest, and the priest asks with a stern voice: "Paddy, where is God?" Paddy stares at his toes in silence. The priest asks again: "Paddy, where is God?" Paddy stares at his toes in silence. The priest asks for the third time: "Paddy, where is God?" Suddenly, Paddy turns and runs out of the church, down the steps, up the street, until he comes to Johnnie's place. He rings at his door, and when Johnnie opens, he looks at him, wide-eyed, panting: "Bad news, Johnnie! God's missing and we get the blame for it!"

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Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....

Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
daisymay

St Elmo's Fire
# 1480

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The devil is sitting on the steps outside church, head in hands, shaking with sobs. A compassionate passerby stops and says, "Poor Satan, what's the matter?" Satan replies, "It's those people indoors there. They blame me for everything!"

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London
Flickr fotos

Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?!?!?!?

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

Actually, it only takes two: one to fix the gin, the other to telephone the electrician.

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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stephen
Shipmate
# 40

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No,it takes four,NO....;}
Another to whinge about how much better the previous one was and the fourth to write the report to Ship of Fools.....

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Best Wishes
Stephen

'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10

Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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This one is absolutely dreadful, but it was told to me by a RC priest friend from Kerry - so blame him!

There is a little known addendum to the gospel story of the woman taken in adultery. Jesus said, "Let those who are among you who are without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly, a single stone came hurling through the air, and Jesus, puzzled, looked at the source.

"Oh, Mum!....."

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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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What goes clippety clop, clippety clop, bang bang, clippety clop, clippety clop?

(This is bad.)


An Amish drive by shooting.

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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Holier than thou?
Apprentice
# 1650

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I really must say that the Amish one was a little unfair, i mean at least all of the others so far insulted have an opportunity to answer back! Actually they do have an ISP but it is Amish Off Line (AOL) which seems to be specifically designed to inhibit the use of technology!


Does God have net access?
If so what ISP would he use?

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Jesus wants me to be a sunbeam - but I want to be a train driver


Posts: 7 | From: South West England | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Traveller
Shipmate
# 1943

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Dai Jones had sung first tenor in the chapel choir for forty years. (This misses something in the telling without the fake accent!) Anyway, one day Dai passed away (No, Dai Dai-d is not the joke).

When he got to the pearly gates, the recording angel asked for his name - to which he replies "Jones - Dai".

"Dai bach, you're just in time for Choir practice, come on in!"

Dai is now in heaven, literally, singing his heart out. The heavenly choir has 10,000 sopranos, 10,000 altos, 10,000 basses and Dai is the only tenor! St. Peter is taking the rehearsal, but after a few bars, he taps his cloud of a music stand and says:

"Will the tenors please make a little less noise."

No comments from tenors please, I'm one myself!

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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33


Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Holier than thou?
Apprentice
# 1650

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A Terry Wogan joke:

One day a electrician died and went off to heaven. When he got there St. Peter was at the Pearly gates, he was looking flustered and told him, "I'm sorry but we have had our fill of people today and seeing as you are noone special we will have to send you off to hell, maybe try again in a few days time" So off he went to hell. When he got there it was hot and horrible, typical hell. He went up to the devil and asked "Can i start doing this place up a bit 'cause it aint half a dump". The devil gave him permission and so off he went. A few days later God and the Devil were having a phone conversation (without Bob). The devil was speaking "Oh remember that electrician chap you sent down a few days ago as you were full up, well he has been very useful down here. Oh yes, we have air conditioners everywhere and have vaccum cleaners getting the place tidy, fridges and freezers are in all of the houses now. Thanks very much for giving him too us."
God cut him off at this point "Hey listen up, i think i want some fridges around here. I want him back"
Devil: "Tough he is staying here he is too much of an asset."
God: "I take you to court"

Devil: "Oh yeah, and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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Jesus wants me to be a sunbeam - but I want to be a train driver


Posts: 7 | From: South West England | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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quote:
Originally posted by Holier than thou?:
I really must say that the Amish one was a little unfair, i mean at least all of the others so far insulted have an opportunity to answer back! Actually they do have an ISP but it is Amish Off Line (AOL) which seems to be specifically designed to inhibit the use of technology!


Does God have net access?
If so what ISP would he use?


I'm going to put Amish links on the Resources for Hell thread, just for fun...

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity


Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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PS: What do you call young Amish people?

Am-lettes

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity


Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stoo

Mighty Pirate
# 254

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how do we know moses wore a wig?
sometimes he was seen with aaron and sometimes without.

when was the first cricket match?
when peter stood up with the eleven and was bold.

did you know snogging was mentioned in the bible?
when john the baptist took his honey and nectar.

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This space left blank


Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Esmeralda

Ship's token UK Mennonite
# 582

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Heard on Radio 4 the other day:

Q: What's the difference between God and Tony Blair?
A: God doesn't think he's Tony Blair

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I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.

http://reversedstandard.wordpress.com/


Posts: 17415 | From: A small island nobody pays any attention to | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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Another from my RC priest friend from Kerry - blame him, since it's terrible!

Fr Ross was in the confessional on a Saturday afternoon (a long queue outside, of course) when Peg entered. They chatted a bit after she made her confession. Peg had been away from the parish for an extended period of time, and mentioned that she'd become a professional gymnast. Father commented that he'd always found that sort of work fascinating.

"Well, then, Father," said Peg, "Take a peak out - I'll show you a bit of gymnastics." She exited the confessional, and began to do some handsprings in the aisle.

Mrs Reilly, next on the queue, moaned to the lady next to her, "Ooooooh, sure and look what penances Father is giving today, and me without me knickers on!"

----
This really happened, but sounds like a joke, so I'll include it.

Eleanor had been hearing various "ways of devotion" from other married ladies of her acquaintance, some of which left her puzzled about how to always do what is most perfect. She asked her (our) pastor if it was all right for married couples to have sex before receiving Communion.

His answer, "So long as you do not block the aisles."
----
Another stupid confessional joke - and I heard this one from a bishop!

A priest who was hearing the confessions of children heard six boys in succession say, "Bless me, Father, I have sinned - I threw peanuts in the lake." He naturally was puzzled, wondering why that would be considered a sin by the children.

Another boy entered the confessional next, and Father wearily said to him, "I suppose you are going to tell me you threw peanuts in the lake as well!"

"No, Father," came the response, "I'm Peanuts."

-----

I know that at least one or two others on the Ship are of Italian parentage, and, though they are the only ones who'll catch this joke, I thought it was worth posting. (It indeed is religious - the southern Italian religious practise is primarily centred on marriage and family obligations.)

A married Italian couple were having a dreadful row, and had reached the point of hurling insults at one another.

The husband stormed, "If you don't stop it, I'm going to tell people that you had sex with me before we got married!"

Wife responded, "You do that, and I'll tell them you weren't the first one!"

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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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This was originally on the television show "Cheers!":

Sam was feeling guilty about something, so he decides that he will go to confession and talk to a priest, even though he is not Catholic. The priest tells him, after hearing the confession, to pray a certain number of rosaries.

Cut back to the bar. Sam is exiting his office, rosary in hand, talking with his Catholic co-worker, Carla. He says, "So I have to say all that on each of these beads?"
She replies,

"Hey, this ain't a religion for wimps!"


Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Nancy Winningham, I'm sure you must be the Shipmate who knows the greatest number of religious jokes

What is the earliest ever reference to a see-saw?

Psalm 114v.3 (psalter)

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.


Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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The first Tennis Open Championship mentioned in the Bible was when:

Joseph served in the courts of Pharaoh.


Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged



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