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Source: (consider it) Thread: Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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MrJuice2U
Right Reverend (or Left Reverend, whichever you prefer)

Both right and reverend are pretty accurate descriptions.

I have been watching the Teleevangelists Network on TV, and as I watch the women who frequent these shows, with their beautiful big hair and all those layers of wonderful makeup, I have to admit that I have had feelings of lust in my heart. How can a young man keep his way pure in the face of such temptation?

Don't watch the Teleevangelists Network on TV.

Really, I'm wondering if people might be getting a little over-dependent on my words of correctfulness.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Sibling Cow
Yo, Rev.
What is the proper and Godly way to keep all your sock puppets in order, so that you don't post under the wrong name?


I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask about that, are you?

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Sibling Tomb
quote:
Neither I nor anyone affiliated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.
You silly man. You forget that as host, All of Us (tm) have access to your IP address(es).

Is this bad? Are you threatening to send me an email? I'm sorry, you'll need to speak on such subjects to me as a layman. (Ha!)

And I actually have kept the e-mails one of your personae sent me lo these many months ago BEGGING me to delete a post you made under the wrong sockpuppet.

If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and mindbogglingly incompetent, but he has several redeeming (though not in the theological sense) features. He is cheap. Actually, that's only one, isn't it? But in these days when the work of the Lord is strapped for cash, it is enough.

Don't you understand? I/We are/am a Hellost. We.Keep.Everything.

That's splendid. I'm sure we all think you're doing a terrific job. Keep it up! (Sorry to be so ignorant, but what actually does a hellost do?)

"Interesting threat" indeed. The last time anybody called one of my threats "interesting," I had gnawed my way up their leg and only stopped because the taste got nasty.

Fascinating. And what do you think will happen this time?

Don't annoy me, Jerry. It will not go well with you.

On the contrary, I have just found a pen I thought I'd lost, and a fiver in the pocket of a coat I haven't worn since March. Not very spiritual maybe, but nice all the same.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Janine
The Rev. Jerry Fallwell (of U.S. Moral Majority fame) has been known to say that he would gladly preach in Hell, if only they'd let him out afterwards.
Notice any similarity between your efforts to edify a flock here and Fallwell's philosophy?


Yes. Small world, isn't it?

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Dimittis
I always let my allegiances go where they will... And what is the "right way" in your view?

To me. (Thanks for asking, though I'm surprised you have to after all this time.)

Who are you to dictate to me?

Rev. Gerald Ambulance

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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RooK
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?


No.

Don't think of it as a brutal act of aesthetic censorship, but rather as a merciful alternative to what will happen if you keep annoying tomb.

What, he'll call me a silly man again? Doesn't seem like much of an alternative to me.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Dimittis
I always let my allegiances go where they will... And what is the "right way" in your view?

To me. (Thanks for asking, though I'm surprised you have to after all this time.)

Who are you to dictate to me?

Rev. Gerald Ambulance

yada yada yada.

"He hath put down the mighty from their seats; and hath exalted the humble and meek."

You might take a leaf out of the Virgin's book, Gerald, instead of poncing around like a misplaced drag queen on steroids.

Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Absolutely.

Now that's everything up to date, I believe. So if you can all take responsibility for your own spiritual, emotional and ***ual lives for a bit, I'm off to kick some bottom at the Exegesis for the Inner City - Where Now? conference.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

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quote:
Now that's everything up to date, I believe.
What about me?!!! [Waterworks]
Listen, I live in Brockley, I need all the help I can get!

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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog

Posts: 5767 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
ChrisT

One of the Good Guys™
# 62

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[Not worthy!] Rev. Gerald

(but only in an admiring-as-a-fellow-believer and not a worhsipping-at-his-feet type manner)

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Firmly on dry land

Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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quote:
For are they not showing their love and devotion to the one set over them in the Lord in the only way their fallen womanhood knows how? I for one respect that and think they should be given room to fail.
Fallen womanhood from a man obsessed with labeled underwear? [Disappointed]
You have an active imagination, my dear fellow.

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Hmm. Bless you for the invitation, O woman of foolishness, but it would be rather like trying to teach the principles of healthy eating by tucking into a raw chicken breast, don't you think?

I feel a great chastisement-in-love from your gently masterful rebuke, Reverend. And am duly grateful.

However, my exegetical powers aren't quite up to the holy metaphor; ie, teaching sound principles of pastoral contact, albeit to a Woman of Foolishness (change of avatar title coming up?), is similar to er.... eating dead hen.

The spiritual lesson is in there somewhere but my interpretative skills fail me. Please pray for my enlightenment!

BTW, I do hope you didn't think I was <blush> leading you on or leading you into temptation or anything like that <blush>!

Such is the limitlessness of your great sanctity I know that all women would be a mere Abishag to your King David (little more than a hot water-bottle with a respiratory system).

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

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RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
RooK
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?


No.

How embrassing. I'm sorry. Logical fallacies are not usually a foible I suffer from, and I thank you for pointing out my mistake.
Is there any existing portion of your anatomy that I can bash in instead that will shut you up?

quote:
What, he'll call me a silly man again? Doesn't seem like much of an alternative to me.
No, much much worse: he might get nasal. I really hate it when he does that. It must be avoided.
...OH...!
You thought I meant I was concerned about mercy that you might receive. That was awfully stupid of you, wasn't it?

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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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[Not worthy!] Rook.
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Miffy

Ship's elephant
# 1438

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Dear Rev Gerald,

Have you any words of advice for a sistern who has been recently (if temporarily) elevated to the ranks of the exalted? (Hosts for you uninitiated siblings).

Being a small though solid pillar of the local church, I fear for my integrity and purity of mind during this cruel exposure to the coarse ways and worldly wiles of the mass media. (That rabble in the nativity play, in other words). [Wink]

WWGD in this situation?

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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches

Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
....If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and mindbogglingly incompetent, but he has several redeeming (though not in the theological sense) features. He is cheap. Actually, that's only one, isn't it? But in these days when the work of the Lord is strapped for cash, it is enough.....

Ambulance, you've got more weird-ass voices than I do. Surely your National Health Service will give you Pills to combat this malady, or do they demand that you come in and let them Take Something Out before prescribing a nostrum?

And you can't count, can you? Sort of like that demon Jesus drove into the pigs.





[corrrected my spelling. Because I value what Shipmates think about me and consequently want to make a Good Impression. {snark}]

[ 08. December 2002, 04:45: Message edited by: tomb ]

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Amanuensis

Idler
# 1555

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:

If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and ....

etc.

Dear Rev. Gerald,
This is at least the second time you have misused my name in the course of your ramblings. Whilst I take no personal offence, I am concerned lest shipmates begin to think that I am another of your miserable sock puppets.

I must ask that you cease and desist the use of this word, or I will have to send the St. Gregory's choir round to sort out your baseball-wielding acolytes.

In love

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What's new?

Posts: 547 | From: Cornwall | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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Dear Rev Gerald

How many mickles make a muckle?

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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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British mickles or American mickles?

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460

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Many a mickle in either case - unless American mickles are nega-mickles or anti-mickles.

How many woodchucks does it take to chuck wood?

Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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Ken, might you mean, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck coulc chuck wood?"

Aristotle would say that the woodchuck would chuck the right amounot of wood, given the consequences of chucking too much wood and the consequences of chucking too little.

Immanuel Kant would say that a wood chuck would chuck as much wood, that he wished it to be a universal law that all woodchucks chucked the same amount of wood and produced acceptable results. This being his duty, the woodchuck would chuck the dutifull amount of wood regardless of his desire to chuck more wood or less.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
sophs

Sardonic Angel
# 2296

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[tangent]
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
Aristotle would say that the woodchuck would chuck the right amounot of wood, given the consequences of chucking too much wood and the consequences of chucking too little.
Zach

at last, the basis of my Aristotal coursework!
[/tangent]

Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
ptarmigan
Shipmate
# 138

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Chucking too much wood would confer no evolutionary advantage on the postulated woodchucking woodchuck, so I suppose a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck should chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood).

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All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well. (Julian of Norwich)

Posts: 1080 | From: UK - Midlands | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
chukovsky

Ship's toddler
# 116

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However the uncertainty about the ability of a woodchuck to chuck wood, leads me to believe that a woodchuck may not be able to chuck enough wood, since a woodchuck does not seem to be evolutionarily fitted for chucking wood. Therefore a woodchuck could not chuck as much wood as a woodchuck should chuck.

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This space left intentionally blank. Do not write on both sides of the paper at once.

Posts: 6842 | From: somewhere else | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChrisT

One of the Good Guys™
# 62

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If we're speaking about the amount of wood that a woodchuck should chuck, then we need to look at the wood in question.

But seeing as he doesn't exist, the question is moot.

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Firmly on dry land

Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jack the Lass

Ship's airhead
# 3415

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But why are we talking about woodchucks (or wood chucks for that matter)? Rev Gerald (for his thread this still is) still hasn't answered my question [Waterworks]

Makes me wanna chuck.

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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog

Posts: 5767 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Golly gee, this thread has taken an unbelievebly LAME TURN. The upchuck woodchuck tangent running through it truly convinces me I am in HELL right now.

[Projectile]

Hopefully Mister Multi-sock-puppet Rev. G will come to our rescue shortly. [Devil]

duchess // biting the hand that feeds

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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Well!

I am happy to report that, in spite of my decision to step down as a hellhost, the Rev. Gerald's tithe checks continue to show up regularly in my accounts.

Direct draft is a lovesome thing, God wot. And faxable letters of credit are such glorious instruments of, er, financial balance.

So, all you deluded Shipmates who have been sending that polysyllabic simoniac money, send it to me, instead. I'll get it eventually.

Love,

tomb

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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And on that note tomb, allow me to take this opportunity to remind you that, under the terms of your contract as a hellhost emeritus, the checks from Gerald are to be split four ways (with RooK as well) instead of three ways.

Please amend the amount you send accordingly.

Thanks,

Viki, still waiting for an apology [Wink]

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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I never agreed to any such thing.

And, as I recall, when you became a Hellhost yourself, I told you that you would need to develop your own sources of income based on your own ingenuity and innate abilities to intimidate/ persuade/ threaten/ terrorize/ cajole shipmates.

And if you think for one instant that you can extract so much as an old-fashioned ha'penny out of me, you clearly didn't learn your lessons very well when you were my protege.

What apology?

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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I find myself wondering if avoiding the annoyance of having possessive "it's" inserted into his posts might be worth some -er "generosity" from tomb...
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Look sweetheart, let's remember exactly who has editing powers around here?

Perhaps you'd like your posts simply disappear into the whirling maelstrom? Wood was rude, and look where he is now. Or to be more precise, look where he isn't.

Now, where were we? Ah yes, you were splitting the check from Gerald four ways instead of three.

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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RooK, you are truly an evil man. I can bear up under the criticisms of solecisms, however.

As for you, Sarky, to paraphrase one of our former, failed presidents, not gonna happen; not gonna happen.

Would it shock you to learn that I don't give a rat's ass about disappearing posts? I have no hopes for my posts on this thread, other than to annoy you. To keep you humble. To remind you where your skills came from.

This is also why God made Switzerland (and Grenada, btw). You'll never get the cash, sweetie. buck up

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
<snip>to paraphrase one of our former, failed presidents...

Isn't that all of them?

(where's a 'sticking-tongue-out' smilie when I need one?

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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stoo

Mighty Pirate
# 254

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[Razz]

here?

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This space left blank

Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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quote:
....Isn't that all of them?....
No.

{Words cannot express the pleasure I got from correcting the UBB code.}

[ 21. December 2002, 01:04: Message edited by: Nightlamp ]

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Stoo

Mighty Pirate
# 254

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tomb, tomb...

how the mighty are fallen.

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This space left blank

Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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It seems clear that the Hostly tribute proffered by Rev. Gerald is firmly in tomb's dulled talons, and we are not going to be able to drag it from him without making a mess. I suggest that we should not bother.

Instead, I propose a different course.
Rev. Gerald should hereby cease his tomb-tithing, and negotiations for his re-evaluated payments to all the current Hell Hosts should begin. I believe that my fellows and I shall look quite favourably upon Rev. Gerald offering tomb specific observations and advice, preferably at length.

Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nightlamp
Shipmate
# 266

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I would accept blood which can be converted into plasma. One pint a week would be acceptable.

Nightlamp

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I don't know what you are talking about so it couldn't have been that important- Nightlamp

Posts: 8442 | From: Midlands | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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Yes but Nightlamp, you forget how the good Rev. was "ministering mightily in Ibiza" last year...

We don't know what foul and detestable disease he may have picked up. [Snigger]

Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
It seems clear that the Hostly tribute proffered by Rev. Gerald is firmly in tomb's dulled talons, and we are not going to be able to drag it from him without making a mess. I suggest that we should not bother.

Instead, I propose a different course.
Rev. Gerald should hereby cease his tomb-tithing, and negotiations for his re-evaluated payments to all the current Hell Hosts should begin. I believe that my fellows and I shall look quite favourably upon Rev. Gerald offering tomb specific observations and advice, preferably at length.

You silly man. I've already implied that I have the old fraud's bank account numbers and the tithe comes by direct deposit. If he changes his bank, I've arranged to have them forwarded. I also have several letters of credit that I'm holding against a rainy day.

BTW, I also hold international copyright to the Rev. Gerald's theme song, "I wanna be a preacher in a megachurch," based on the Abba song that is, happily, out of copyright.

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nightlamp
Shipmate
# 266

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I will sell the plasma and tell everyone it comes from a minister of the Lord hence it must be OK.

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I don't know what you are talking about so it couldn't have been that important- Nightlamp

Posts: 8442 | From: Midlands | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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Oh, I don't mind you bleeing the snake-oil peddler - I just want to make it clear that it in no way counts as his required tribute.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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Well, then, you're being a lot more industrious (and much less whiny) than Sarky in finding your own sources of income-enhancement. Good. We know where we stand (or crawl, as the case may be).
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Al Eluia

Inquisitor
# 864

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Rev. Gerald:

I've been doing a lot of reading about the Reformation and was wondering--do you think the ministry of heretic-burning is valid for today? I'm feeling a call.

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Consider helping out the Anglican Seminary in El Salvador with a book or two! https://www.amazon.es/registry/wishlist/YDAZNSAWWWBT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_ep_ws_7IRSzbD16R9RQ
https://www.episcopalcafe.com/a-seminary-is-born-in-el-salvador/

Posts: 1157 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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I would think the more Protestant version of witch trials, in which the accused is laid on the ground, a board put on them, and heavy stones piled unto the board until the accused dies, is more reasonable for these hectic times.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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I agree, Zach - burning creates too much air pollution.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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bump...come back Steves...Simon...er...
I mean

REV. G...

Come back...come back home

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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He can't afford it, honey.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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Of course. A squished witch is much more recyclable than a toasted one.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged



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