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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Kerygmania: The Bible, Non-stop - GENESIS
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 38:6-30
Judah found a wife for Er, son #1. Her name was Tamar. But Er erred in some manner so grievous that God struck him dead. Tamar, the innocent widow, is bereft of husband and children, so Judah turns to son #2, Onan, and says, "Go, give your late brother's wife a child in his name - she deserves it."
But Onan was a selfish man and didn't want any child of his to bear his brother's name, so he practiced what many of us know as 'the withdrawal method' of intercourse and didn't make the deposit as required.
This really peeved God and set a dangerous precedent, so He killed Onan too (and it has nothing to do with masturbation!).
But Judah's getting nervous: two sons down, one troublesome daughter-in-law to whom offspring is rightly due. He looks at his third son, Shelah, and says, "He's too young! You go back and live with your family until Shelah's enough of a man (to handle you without dying)."
So Tamar returns to her father's household. She isn't free to marry and she sees her father getting older and and older - what is she to do when he dies, with no husband and no son? And as time continues to pass she realizes Judah has no intention of giving her to Shelah as a wife.
Eventually Judah goes up to the sheepshearing at Timnah with his old buddy Hirah the Adullamite and when the local gossip gets around to Tamar she forms a plan: she takes off her widow's weeds and she puts on the veil of a harlot and she sets herself down by the road.
Sure enough, Judah comes by and says, "Whoa, baby! How much?" And they negotiate for a young goat but Tamar is no fool and demands a pledge in the interim. So Judah gives up his staff and his seal with its cord and he has carnal knowledge of Tamar, who conveniently conceives.
She gets up, takes off the veil, puts back on her widow's weeds, and returns to her father's house. Meanwhile, Judah sends his buddy Hirah with the young goat, looking to reclaim his pledge, but no such luck. He even asks the locals, "Where can I find the harlot who sits by the side of the road on the way to Timnah?" and they say, "Harlot? What harlot? (there's a harlot? hot damn!)"
He goes back and tells Judah and Judah says, "We'd better just forget about it or they'll be mocking me for the rest of my life-- so I'm out a seal and a staff; I'll live."
But some months later the word comes to Judah: your daughter-in-law has played the harlot (and how literally true that is!) and she's expecting. Such an outrage! How dare a technically-unmarried woman seek a sexual relationship outside of marriage! Harrumph!!! So he sets out to demand the reputation of his two dead sons be unsullied by this tramp of a daughter-in-law. Stoning isn't good enough; he wants her burned.
In the midst of the hubbub, she sends back his seal and cord and staff and says, "The man to whom these belong is the father of my child - please examine them carefully--"
And to Judah's credit, he owns up and proclaims publicly: "She is more righteous than I am, because I owed her my son Shelah but I withheld him from her (I put her in an impossible place); I owed her a son and now she will have one."
And, in fact, she had two sons, twins. First a tiny arm pushed out of her womb and the midwife tied a crimson thread around it, to keep straight who was the firstborn, but lo! the other boy managed to push past and he was actually born first so they called him Perez because he'd made a way for himself. The boy with the crimson thread they named Zerah, for rising.
And Judah and Tamar returned to a proper father-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship and never crossed that boundary again.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 39:1-6
Meanwhile, getting back to Joseph (remember Joseph?)...
Joseph, now in Egypt, was sold to an Egyptian captain of the guard by his Ishmaelite captors, and immediately put to work. Because God was with him, everything he did turned out extraordinarily well. I mean, he could literally do no wrong!
His boss, Potiphar, looked at all of this and figured, "Gee, ya know? He does such a good job sweeping the floors, I should put him in charge of all of the floor sweepers! Hell, he's such an excellent manager, I should put him in charge of the entire house! Gee whiz! This is going amazing! Why not put him in the grounds keeping too, make him the overseer of all groundskeepers!
Joseph's responsibilities only grew from there on, but since God was with him, and since God could do no wrong, Joseph could do no wrong. In a matter of months, Joseph found himself administering everything Potiphar owned, and with such excellence that there was no concern anywhere in the land except for that interminable bother: What will I have for dinner?
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 39:7-20
So as Potiphar started working on his beer belly Joseph was growing up into a fine strapping figure of a man... and Mrs. Potiphar noticed.
"Oooooh baby-- love to love you, baby!" she said and Joseph was shocked (shocked, I tell you): "How could I do such a wicked thing? My master trusts me and has put everything under my control, with the exception of you. I would dishonor your husband, myself, and sin against God."
But Mrs. Potiphar considered herself something of a hottie and she figured to wear him down. Daily she would make comments and innuendos and try to entice him to do the horizontal bop.
One day he was doing some work in the house and the other men of the household were all absent for various unspecified reasons (can we say... Mrs. Potiphar?!) and she sidles up to him and says, "I want you - I want you so bad, it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad," (and now you know where John Lennon got it). And she grabbed him but he twisted away from her, leaving his outer robe in her hands and escaping the house.
Mrs. Potiphar had managed to see Joseph's rebuffs as coy up until now but this was too much, this was genuine rejection. She saw red. She was one furious scorned hellion. "Hey!" she called and some other servants ran up, "look what that Hebrew did! That scoundrel attempted to rape me! I screamed (you heard me, right?) and he ran off, leaving his jacket."
And so she set Joseph up and the other servants didn't want to get on Mrs. Potiphar's bad side and some of them thought they might get that promotion that Joseph snatched right out from under their respective noses, what with his flashy foreign ways and his really impressive ability (serves him right, harrumph).
When Potiphar came home she told him the whole story and held up Joseph's coat (what is it with Joseph and coats?!). Potiphar must've smelled a rat because he didn't have Joseph killed for the outrage - but neither could he ignore it. So, angry at Joseph, at the missus, at the fact that he was going to lose a really fine steward, Potiphar dragged Joseph to Pharaoh's prison and had him locked up.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Autenrieth Road
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Posted
The chief jailer was totally impressed with Joe (the Lord was still with him!), and made him the head trustee for the jail. The Lord made everything turn out well for whatever Joe got involved with. So pretty soon every prisoner had three cartons of cigarettes, and the cafeteria stopped serving mystery meat in favour of identifiable lamb cutlets. (They were striped and spotted, but identifiably lamb, served in a tasty brown gravy studded with capers and finished with a sprinkling of fresh ground pepper.) And the chief jailer didn't have to do any work any more, and could spend all his time playing poker with the guards.
Genesis 39:21-23
[ 01. March 2008, 02:51: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 40
So life was moving along about as well as it can when you've been sold into slavery by your brothers and thrown into jail on trumped-up charges by your owner and the jailer likes you and God has given you favor -- then two new prisoners came in.
One was Pharaoh's cupbearer and the other was his baker. We don't know what they did to anger the king of Egypt, but they did and he chucked 'em in jail with Joseph; the head of the jail put Joseph in charge of the two new prisoners.
After they'd been there for some time Joseph was surprised to find them both suddenly very depressed. "What's up?" he asked.
"We each had a significant dream last night but there is no one here to interpret the dream for us."
And Joseph said, "The interpretation of dreams comes from God - why not tell me your dreams and see if God doesn't give me the interpretation for you?"
What did they have to lose? So the cupbearer started: "I dreamt there was a vine in front of me with three branches and as I watched the blossoms formed, and then the grapes grew and ripened and I found Pharaoh's cup was in my hand so I squeezed the grapes right into his cup and handed the cup to Pharaoh."
Joseph nodded, "Here's what your dream means: the three branches equal three days, so in three days Pharaoh will let you out and restore you to your job as his cupbearer. Just please remember me when this comes to pass and let Pharaoh know that I don't deserve to be here, I'm a victim of kidnapping and I did not have sex with that woman Mrs. Potiphar."
The head baker thought that was a pretty good interpretation and he had a similar dream so he was happy to share: "I dreamt there were three baskets of bread upon my head and the top one had all kinds of baked goods for Pharaoh and the birds came and were eating them right out of the basket."
Joseph looked kind of sad and said, "The three baskets are three days and your dream means that in three days Pharaoh is going to take your head off your shoulders and hang you on a tree and the birds will peck at your flesh--"
Sure enough, in three days' time it was Pharaoh's birthday and he had a great feast for all his servants and he brought in both the cupbearer and the baker; the cupbearer was restored just as Joseph had understood from the dream and the baker was executed, likewise according to the dream.
Despite this really excellent example of accurate dream interpretation, the cupbearer did not remember Joseph; once he was out of prison he forgot all about Joseph.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Autenrieth Road
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# 10509
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Posted
Two years passed, during which Joe was still the chief trustee, the chief butler still didn't give thought to Joe, the chief baker was still dead, and Pharaoh ruled happily and slept soundly every night.
Then one night Pharaoh had a nightmare! It started out innocently enough. He was standing by the Nile, lord of all he surveyed, when up out of the water came seven fat cows. They were sleek and shiny and dripping wet, and began to graze. "Mmmm," thought Pharaoh in the dream. "Filet mignon for dinner." Then everything turned awful, but the way it does in dreams, where you don't quite realize until it's too late, and there's no way out. Seven skeletal cows dragged themselves up over the bank of the Nile, and set upon the seven grazing fat cows, and ate them up! Blood and guts were everywhere. The seven skeletal cows licked that up too. But they were just as fat as before. They were turning towards Pharaoh with a lean and hungry look, when Pharaoh suddenly awoke, shivering and sweating.
Being Pharaoh, he bit hard on the pillow to keep from screaming, and clenched his fists to keep from turning on the nightlight, and concentrated on deep breathing and centering his chakras. Eventually he fell back asleep.
And Pharaoh had another nightmare! He was standing in a field, lord of all he surveyed, and seven ears of grain sprouted out of one stalk. "Mmmmm," thought Pharaoh in the dream. "Beer for dinner." Then everything turned awful again. The sky turned dark, a cold sleet began, and seven withered ears of grain sprouted out of the stalk and devoured the seven fat ears! The blighted ears were turning on the stalk towards Pharaoh, who was feeling pretty lean and hungry himself by this time, when suddenly Pharaoh awoke, shivering and sweating.
This time it was almost morning, so Pharaoh opened the curtains and sat nervously in bed until it was full light. Then he called up the University of Egypt and had them send over all their smartest professors, and called up the Cairo Care Line and had them send over all their best psychologists, but try as they might none of them could tell what Pharaoh's dreams meant.
Genesis 40:1-8
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Autenrieth Road
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# 10509
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Posted
quote:
But they were just as fat as before.
Scholarly study of the paraphrases emerging from the Road scriptorium in the early 21st century suggest that this phrase should properly be emended to read "But they were just as thin as before."
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Then the chief cupbearer said to the king, "Um, I've finally figured out what this string around my finger is for. Once upon a time, long, LONG ago Your Majesty was, um, slightly displeased with the dinner service, and well, me and the chief baker were detained as "persons of interest" for a little while.
"And while we were in jail, we had some really weird dreams, and we knew they meant SOMETHING, but what? So there was this guy Joseph, and he explained everything to us, and you know what? It happened just the way he said. And here I am, back in my old job, and I'm really glad they got that wine stain out of your skirt, honest, you'd hardly notice."
Pharaoh eyed the cupbearer, thinking dark thoughts; but then he snapped his fingers. "Bring Joseph!" he said.
So they dragged him out of the dungeon in a hurry, told him to fancy himself up, and brought him to the king.
Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I had a dream, and no one can interpret it. But certain people tell me you're a dab hand at explaining dreams."
"Not me," hedged Joseph, "but I'm sure God will provide you with an answer."
"Fair enough," said the king. "I was down by the river and these totally awesome cows came up, right out of the water (don't look like that, it's a dream, innit?) and they were really looking good, prime cattle if I ever saw any. But then seven other cows came up, walking bags of bones, the cows from Hell™--I'm not kidding. And what's worse is, they ATE UP the good looking cows! And they were just as skinny and ugly as before. Mad cow disease, or something. And then I woke up.
Well, it took a while, but I got back to sleep, and had the exact same dream except this time it was heads of grain. And what I want to know is, does this mean anything, or should I swear off the pepperoni pizza?"
Gen 41:11-24
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 41:25-37
Without any futher ado, Joe put on his spectacles, stroked his goatee, and suddenly began to speak with a German accent...
So Meister Pharoah, bad dreams, is it, jah? Please, zit down ein dis couch zhen tell me all about your childhood...
Then God gave the redactor a dirty look, and the scene magically returned to Ancient Egypt.
So, Joe looked up at Pharoah, and told him, "So, those seven fat cows? They represent"--and he paused, waving his arms for dramatic effect--"seven years of Good luck! And those seven good ears of corn represent...wait for it...the same seven years! The dreams are as one."
He paused, figured from Pharoahs' reaction that he wasn't about to die, and contiuned:
"So, what do you think those lean cows represent, but seven years of famine." Pharoah shuddered. Joe shuddered for slightly different reasons and continued, "as do the seven empty ears blighted by the east wind. Famine. You know, no crops, no animals, and lots of hungry people threatening to revolt if you don't feed them. That kind of stuff." Pharoah looked deeply distressed. Joseph shuddered again, gathered himself, and continued:
"But ya know what, Pharoah? God's with me, and God's got a great plan!" Pharoah suddenly looked interested. "God has shown Pharoah what to do. There's gonna be seven years of plenty, and then seven years of not-so-plenty. During the not-so-plentiful years, the people's gonna forget how well off they were in the good years; it'll be that bad!"
And that thing where you dreamed the same thing twice? That means God's gonna make it so, and He's gonna make it so soon, so you better be ready! So, let Pharoah select a man discerning and wise (nudge nudge, wink wink) to oversee the land of Egypt. Let Pharoah appoint other overseers beneath this man to take 1/5 of all the produce of the land for the seven bountious years. Let them gather all the food in the kingdom and store it under Pharoah's seal for food in the cities. Let them keep watch over it. That food shall be as a federal reserve for the land against the seven years of famine that we all know are going to happen, so that the land may not perish through the depression."
Pharoah's face was indecisive, betraying shock, anger, terror, and amusement before finally settling into a knowing smile and asking the servants, "Where the heck did you find this guy and where can we find more people like him, more people with that 'touched by God' thing? We could use a few more of these!"
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
Gen 41:39-45
Then Pharaoh said to Joe, “You’re obviously a very bright guy, and to honest I’m a getting a bit bored with this whole running the country thing, so I’m going to put you in charge instead and go on holiday to the Bahamas for a while. I’m going to give you everything except the nuclear launch codes.” Then he had the royal couturier to make Joe some swanky clothes and gave him the use of his Rolls Royce chariot and police outriders and everything.
And Pharaoh said, “Not forgetting who’s boss or anything, but at the same time, this isn’t a democracy or anything, is it? So give all the orders you like.” He changed Joe’s name to Zaphenath-Paneah so it would sound a bit more Egyptian because he didn’t think the Daily Mail readers would like having one of those foreigners as viceroy, and set him up with the daughter of one of the top priests.
And Joe was a big deal in Egypt.
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 41:46-57
Joe was now 30 years old and he went with Pharaoh's authority throughout the entire land of Egypt. Sure enough, those seven plentiful years were exceedingly good and the people gave up 20% with minimal grumbling because the 80% left was still spectacular bounty. He arranged for secure granaries located throughout the kingdom, convenient to the fields. Finally Joe stopped measuring how much grain he'd gathered because it was more than even he could count.
In those good years Joe had two sons with Asenath, whose father was a priest of On, and he named the elder The Cause of My Forgetting and the younger Doubly Fruitful because, frankly, life was going pretty well now that he was Pharaoh's right hand man and well-respected throughout the whole kingdom.
When the famine hit, right on schedule, the whole world was without bread... even the Egyptians were hungry and demonstrating and Pharaoh yelled: "Don't bug me! Take it to Joseph!" So Joe opened the granaries and started selling the grain to the Egyptians and word gets around, when you're starving, and soon the whole world was knocking at Joseph's door.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 42:1-26
Meanwhile, back in Canaan, Jacob heard there was grain in Egypt. "Get off yer duffs!" he told his sons, "Go down to Egypt and procure food; we don't want to die!"
So the ten brothers toddle off to Egypt while Jacob kept Rachel's remaining son (Benjamin) at home with him for safe-keeping.
Joseph was the go-to guy for buying grain-- just imagine how it felt when these ten Canaanite brothers come and bow down to him! Dreams of sheaves bowing and while he recognizes his brothers right away they don't recognize him: he walks like an Egyptian; he's shaved and dressed like an Egyptian. So he spoke to them harshly, using an interpreter.
"Where are you from? You've come to spy out the land and plot against us!"
"No no no, my lord! Your servants have come to buy food - we are all brothers, sons of one man; we are not spies!"
"Yes you are!"
"No, we aren't! Really! There are 12 of us brothers--"
"TWELVE?! I see only ten--"
"Our youngest brother is with our father in Canaan - and one is no more."
"I do not believe you! You are spies! The only way you can prove otherwise is to bring your brother here. One of you may go back and fetch him." And Joseph threw his brothers into prison for three days.
On the third day he told them, "I fear God so I will be kind: if you are honest men, let one of you remain here in prison and the rest may go to Canaan with grain for your family, then return here with your youngest brother. That way I'll know you're honest and trustworthy men and you will not die."
So they spoke in Hebrew among themselves: "We're getting what we deserve; we saw Joseph's great distress when he pleaded with us to take him up out of that pit - and we didn't listen."
Reuben started in (again already!), "Didn't I tell you? Don't harm the boy, don't sin against the boy, but nooooo, you gotta go and act stupid."
And Joseph had to pretend he didn't understand his mother tongue. His feelings were so huge he had to turn away and cry. When he was recovered Joseph took Simeon away from the group and tied him up in their presence. He ordered their bags be filled with grain and supplied goods for their journey home. And they left.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Autenrieth Road
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Posted
That night they made camp and one of them went to feed his donkey from the grain in his sack.
"Yikes!" he yelled. There was his money lying on top of the grain! He called his brothers and showed them.
"Yikes!" they yelled. "What has God done to us?"
They kept on travelling, and finally they got home to Canaan.
"How did it go?" asked Jacob.
"This happened," they said, keeping pretty near the truth for once. But they didn't mention the money at the top of the sack, depriving the editor of the chance to show off by putting in a self-referential UBB link.
Not that it made much difference, because as soon as they opened their sacks to show Dad all the grain, they discovered that every brother had his money returned in his sack.
"Yikes!" Jacob yelled. Then he tore into them. "You thieves and robbers! First you rob me of Jacob. Then Simeon. And now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me."
Genesis 42:27-36
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Autenrieth Road
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# 10509
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
First you rob me of Jacob.
"Yikes!" AR yelled. "I meant to write 'Joseph.'"
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 42:37-43:14
Reuben stepped forward, "Father, I swear I will bring Benjamin safely home to you - you may hold my two sons hostage and put them to death if I do not!"
But Jacob was so distraught he couldn't respond to such an offer (what, lose his last favorite son AND two grandsons? How is this an improvement?) except to say, "No, you will not take my son. His brother is no more and if he should die then you would have killed this old gray head."
But the famine was bad. Real bad. Jacob was stuck between a rock and a hard place: his sons couldn't return to Egypt to buy more grain without taking his beloved Benjamin with them and, even if they did, surely Pharaoh's right-hand-man would have them strung up for thieves-- So that was no option.
No, they would have to starve to death. Sons, wives, grandkids, servants, animals... that wasn't such a good option, either. Finally Jacob broke down, "Maybe you could go back and buy just a little more grain--"
But Judah interrupted, "No way, Dad. The man was explicit; he won't see us unless we bring our brother Benjamin. If you let him come with us, fine, we'll go buy food. Otherwise it's not worth the tread on our camels - the man won't see us, ergo the man won't sell us grain. Wasted effort."
And Israel howled, "Why did you mention you had a brother? How could you do that to me?!"
"The man asked very specific questions! 'Is your father alive? Do you have any more brothers?' Who knew he would turn it on us in this manner?"
This time Judah asked for the responsibility: "Send him with me and we'll all go and buy grain - otherwise we'll all die here. I will be the guarantee; I will bring Benjamin back safe and sound or it will be on my head forever. Besides, if you'd let us go before, we could have been there and back again. Twice, already."
And Jacob, Israel, sighed a very long sigh-- "It must be so," he said to himself. "Take the best products of the land with you and do some serious protocol. Take twice the money and explain how mystified you were to find the money in your sacks before - and return that money, too. Pay any premium he demands. Who knows-- a little honey, a little balm, some nice almonds and pistachios and myrrh-- Maybe he'll be gracious. So go, take your brother, and God save you all. Perhaps He will move the man with compassion and release Simeon and let Benjamin return safely to me."
Thus Jacob watched all his sons leave for Egypt. Rather like wrestling with the angel, all those years earlier, he finally hit the wall: "If I am bereaved, I am bereaved."
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 43:15-25
So, they took double the amount of gold, the frankincense, the myrrh, the honey, the almonds, the brand spankin' new wii (ok, maybe not that), and Benjamin, all to be given in return for the "stolen" loots. And so, with donkeys groaning under the weight, they went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
Joseph saw them coming, and said to his steward, "Welcome them in, and then I want you to slaughter an animal and make ready, for the men are to dine at noon." The man did just that, and welcomed his guests in.
Now, as you might expect, Joseph's brothers were all scared shitless. They turned to one another and said, "Crap! He must know we've got his money!" They eyed the guards around them nervously, anticipating at any moment to be jumped, bound, and sold into slavery. The irony was palpable.
So, they went up to the steward of the house and spoke to him at the entrance. Making a bold face of it, they said, "It's like this, officer! You see, we came down here for the first time to buy some food. Just to buy some food, right? No harm intended! So, we bought the food, and...and we stayed in this motel in the West Bank and we looked in our bags, and there was this money! It was the money we intended to pay Pharaoh over there, all of it! So, we came back as fast as we could to pay him back, with interest, even! We never intended to rob Pharaoh! We don't know how it got there, who put it there! Honest, man, you got to believe us!"
Josephs' steward smiled mysteriously and replied, "Rest assured. Don't get your buns in a bunch. God put the money in your bags, your God and mine. I received your money." He then brought Simeon out to them. Then he brought them into the house (still somewhat apprehensive), gave them some water to calm them down, and even washed their feet. As he fed their donkeys, they made the present ready for Joseph, for they had heard that they were to lunch with him.
[ 11. March 2008, 14:21: Message edited by: mirrizin ]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 43:26-44:13
Joseph arrived and his brothers brought in their protocol gifts and bowed down to the ground. Joseph received the gifts but asked about their father: "Is he well? Does he still live?"
The brothers bowed and scraped some more: "Your humble servant our father still lives; he is well."
Now Joseph looked and saw his full brother Benjamin, and he pretended ignorance: "This is the youngest brother?" he asked them. Then Joseph turned to him and said, "May God graciously bless you always, my son," and then he rushed out of the room because his heart was about to burst and he could barely contain his emotions; he went to his own room and wept in solitude.
When he felt like he could carry on he composed himself; he washed his face and straighted his clothes, came back and instructed his servants to serve the meal. Joseph ate alone because Egyptians thought eating with Hebrews loathsome {ironic - they wouldn't be eating at all but for this Hebrew}, the Egyptians ate by themselves, and the 11 brothers ate by themselves; what a curious feast.
Joseph's brothers noticed with a chill that they'd been seated according to their birth order - what a coincidence! Joseph brought them portions from his own table, a tremendous honor, but he brought five times the amount to Benjamin.
And it turned into quite a feast and the wine flowed freely.
Joseph instructed his steward regarding the men: "Supply them with as much food as they can carry and put each man's money in the mouth of his sack. Take my special silver cup (you know, my favorite) and put it in the top of the sack belonging to the youngest brother." The servant did everything just as Joseph told him.
Early in the morning the men left, their donkeys laden with sacks full of grain. They weren't on the road for long when Joseph told his steward to pursue them: "Go, catch up to them, and ask, 'Why do you betray my master? He was good to you and you steal his most favorite silver cup?! --the one he drinks from, the one he uses for divination.'"
So the steward did just as Joseph commanded and the brothers said, "What is the servant of our lord talking about? Silver cup? We don't have a silver cup! We would never take his silver cup! {we're scared of the man, truth be told--} We brought back all the money we found in our sacks the last time we came; why would we risk our necks by stealing from him this time? No no no, this cannot be. If you find the cup, kill the one who took it, and make all of us your slaves."
Joseph's servant answered, "Let it be as you said, except the one who took the cup will be my slave and the rest of you will go free."
The eleven brothers, Simeon being returned, all lowered their sacks and the steward examined them, from the oldest to the youngest, and the cup was there in Benjamin's sack.
"NOOOO!!!" they cried, all of them, and tore their robes and returned to the city with their donkeys and sacks, very fearful and distressed.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Judah and his brothers all trooped back before Joseph, and fell down on their faces.
"What were you thinking of?" Joseph said. "Didn't you think I would find you out? I have magic powers!"
Judah bowed even lower, if that's possible when lying flat on your face, and, after clearing some dust off his tongue, said "What can we say, my lord? God has found out our wrongdoing. We are your slaves, all of us."
Joseph said, "God forbid that I should make you all my slaves. The one who was found with the cup will be my slave. The rest of you, go in peace, back to your father."
Genesis 44:14-17
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Swish
Shipmate
# 8566
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Posted
Judah wasn't happy about this, and went over to talk to Joe. 'Look, person-who-is-as-powerful-as-Pharaoh, you can't do this. Basically, Ben's mother and brother are dead, and his dad loves him. When you told us to go and get him, a lot of talking went on and eventually we convinced Dad to let us take Ben with us. He wasn't happy about it though, and I swore to protect Ben with my life - if anything happened to him, it would be on my head. I couldn't stand to see Dad as devastated as he would be if we lost him. So how about this instead - you take me as a servant and let Ben go home to his family and his Dad.
Genesis 44 v18-34
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Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Posts: 114 | From: Sheffield | Registered: Sep 2004
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 45:1-16
As Judah said this, this freaking huge grin broke out on Joseph's face. His guards could see it, and started giggling behind their helmets. This great big blush started forming on Joe's face, starting at the ears, and then his cheeks...and he cried: "Send everyone away from me!"
The brothers, perplexed and a little scared, stood by as all of the guards and everyone else left the room.
And then and there, Ole Joe finally revealed his true identity, and much weeping ensued. He weeped so loudly that even Pharaoh heard him, as he asked his brothers, "So, is Papa still alive?" Sadly, his brothers were so shocked that they couldn't answer him. They stood there, dumbfounded at this revelation.
Then Joseph called his brothers closer and began whispering, "I truly am your brother, Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt so many years ago." Judah started to get really nervous, so he continued, "Don't be worried, or mad with yourselves, for God sent me here before you so that we all wouldn't starve. For the famine has been going on for two years, and will still be going for five years in which there will be no plowing and no harvesting. God sent me here to ensure that at least some of us would live." He began to repeat himself and to brag of his accomplishments, so his brothers began to tune him out until he said, "...go to my father and let him know I'm down here. Tell him, "Joseph wanted us to tell you that God has made him lord of all Egypt. You've got to believe this. Come on down and see for yourself without delay! I've got this prime real estate in Goshen! We'll be neighbors! You can raise your kids and grandkids here; heck, you can even raise some sheep, some cattle, whatever you want! And don't worry about food, dad, I've got that covered too, even if there's gonna be five more years of famine! You're never going to be hungry again!"
He turned to his brothers, suddenly ecstatic. "See, guys, it's really me! Joe! You must tell Father how well I've turned out here! I can't wait to see the look on his face..." He suddenly fell, sobbing, on his brother Benjamin's neck, and Benjamin was sobbing too, and it was all a big sob-fest as they all kissed each other and wept and talked and caught up on about 20 years of lost time.
While this was happening, a report of all of it was sent to Pharaoh. Pharaoh heard the report, and was pleased.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 45:17-28
Pharaoh had a brilliant idea and he told Joseph to supply his brothers well and send them back to Canaan and bring back their father and all their households, back down to Egypt, and Pharaoh himself would provide them with the best land. "Tell them they shall eat the fat of the land!" he said, "Send wagons from Egypt to carry their wives and their children and your father in a state of ease. They can come empty-handed; they won't want for anything once they get here."
All Israel's twelve sons were delighted and Joseph gave his eleven brothers wagons and provisions, just as Pharaoh ordered. He gave them each a change of clothing but to Benjamin he gave five full sets of garments as well as 300 silver coins.
For his father Israel he sent 10 he-donkeys burdened with Egypt's best and 10 she-donkeys laden with grain and bread and plenty of food for his journey back to Egypt. And he said to his brothers, "Don't start arguing on the way," for he knew them well.
When they got back to Canaan they told their father Jacob, "JOSEPH is ALIVE!!! And he's ruler over all Egypt!" but Jacob couldn't believe them, he nearly fainted, so they brought him out and showed him the wagons and the donkeys and the Egyptian goodies and something within him which had been cold a very long time came back to life.
Israel said, "It is enough; I am full: my son Joseph lives. I will see him again before I die."
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263
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Posted
Genesis 45:29-31
One day old Israel got it into his mind that the time was drawing near to box it all up and move to that land wither his fathers had gone before him (the eternal promised land that is). So he called his son Joseph and said "If you still love yer' old man grab my ball-sack and make me a promise! It's not that I don't like your new digs, but once I've kicked the bucket don't you dare let my bones ROT in this Godless country. I want them to rest in the Promised Land along with the bones of Dad and Grandpa. Swear it to me boy!"
So Joseph did, and it made the old man so happy he worshiped right there on the spot leaning on his cane.
Sorry I've neglected posting on this thread for awhile, but I performed in so many productions of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" as a younger man that I'm not that interested in this part of the story that much any more.
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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
And I guess I can't figure out what you post because I can't find a version of the Bible that has more than 28 verses in chapter 45 of Genesis...
Genesis 46:1-28
So the whole kit and caboodle set off for Egypt and when they got as far as Beersheba Israel made a sacrifice to the God of his father Isaac. The LORD spoke to Israel in his dreams: "Jacob, Jacob--"
"I am here, LORD--"
"I AM the God of your father. I know you're nervous about taking everybody to Egypt but don't be - My hand is in it and my plan will make you a great nation and in the fullness of time I will bring the nation Israel out of Egypt, back to the land I promised your father Isaac and Abraham. And Joseph himself will close your eyes."
Encouraged, Jacob continued on the journey with all their wives and children and herds and flocks; all their riches accumulated in Canaan. Everyone of Jacob's descendants traveled with him (except for Er and Onan, who died in Canaan). All in all, wives, sacks, cats, kits, there 70 people (if you include Manasseh and Ephraim, Joseph's sons born in Egypt) of Israel's line who came to Egypt.
And Judah went ahead of the party to Joseph so that he might show them the way to Goshen.
note: the pilgrim's post was from chapter 47, so carry on until 47:29-31
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005
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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
[QBnote: the pilgrim's post was from chapter 47, so carry on until 47:29-31 [/QB]
I am so sorry. Just a plain old fashioned slip-up from an old A.D.D dyslexic kid who's getting a bit senile to boot!
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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 46:29-47:10
So Joseph hustled to get his chariot hitched up and he raced up to Goshen; as soon as he saw his father he threw himself on his neck and cried and cried and cried.
Israel (who was rather weepy himself) said, "Now I'm content to die because I have seen your dear face and know that you thrive--"
Joseph told the family, "I'm going up to Pharaoh to let him know you're here; I'll tell him that you keep cattle and sheep and you've brought all the flocks and herds and everything. So here's the protocol: when Pharaoh calls you in front of him and asks what you do, tell him, "Your sevants have kept livestock all our lives, and our fathers before us." Do this, and you shall be able to live in Goshen, because shepherds are loathsome to Egyptians."
Joseph took 5 of his brothers and presented them to Pharaoh and they did just as Joseph instructed them and Pharaoh gave permission for them to live in Goshen. Pharaoh even said, "If there are any capable men among your brothers, give them charge over my livestock, too."
Then Joseph presented his father to Pharaoh and Jacob blessed Pharaoh. "How old are you?" Pharaoh asked him.
"I've sojourned on the earth for 130 years: short, hard work they've been, too, and I'm not as old as my fathers before me." And Jacob blessed Pharaoh once again and left his presence, returning to his family in Goshen.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142
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Posted
Genesis 47:11 to 47:26
When he got back, Joseph gave his dad, brothers and rest of the household a decent bit of land and plenty of food.
Unfortunately, food was pretty scarce elsewhere in the area on account of there being a big famine. Joseph, being a seemingly reasonable sort of chap, contributed some money to help out, but when it was all spent and the Egyptians were still hungry, they wanted to know what he was going to do about it. Being a man with a keen eye for a business opportunity, he suggested he take their cattle in exchange for some more food. Oh, and their horses, sheep, goats, asses - anything that moved, really.
The next year, more famine, more problems. Now the people had no money, no food, and no livestock. The people suggested all they had left was the land, so he might as well have that too, but that meant they were now slaves. At least they'd be alive, though. Joseph was then able to give all the land to the Pharaoh, who no doubt was very delighted.
There's always an exception, of course, and it turns out the priests were allowed to keep their land as they had a Special Financial Deal with the Pharaoh.
Joseph then gave the newly bankrupt enslaved people some seed, but pointed out that the deal was that they give a fifth of their crops to the Pharaoh in perpetutity. They said they were really pleased with all of this...but were they...?
Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Minor point in Second Thoughts thread.
Genesis 47:27-28
Israel (the man and the family) lived in Goshen in Egypt and acquired property and were fruitful and multiplied. Jacob himself lived another 17 years, to the ripe old age of 147.
quote:
Originally posted by the pilgrim:
Genesis 47:29-31
One day old Israel got it into his mind that the time was drawing near to box it all up and move to that land wither his fathers had gone before him (the eternal promised land that is). So he called his son Joseph and said "If you still love yer' old man grab my ball-sack and make me a promise! It's not that I don't like your new digs, but once I've kicked the bucket don't you dare let my bones ROT in this Godless country. I want them to rest in the Promised Land along with the bones of Dad and Grandpa. Swear it to me boy!"
So Joseph did, and it made the old man so happy he worshiped right there on the spot leaning on his cane.
now we're ready for Genesis 48
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 48:1-2
One day, while Joseph was busy doing his Egyptian management stuff, a servant came to him, simply saying "Your father is ill." The tone of his voice implied the adjverb "gravely."
And so, with haste, Joseph gathered his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim, and went to his father. When Jacob heard of his arrival, he, with considerable effort, managed to sit up in bed. The doctors gaped in amazement, for he had not done this for many weeks.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 48:3-11
Old Jacob told Joseph, "God Almighty blessed me; He appeared to me at Luz in Canaan and said, 'I am going to bless your socks off! You'll multiply into a nation and this land I will give to your descendants after your passing.' (which is getting closer--).
Jacob continued, "Your sons born here in Egypt, I'm adopting them: they will be my sons just as Reuben and Simeon are my sons. Any other sons you have, they're yours - but these, these two are mine and they will receive the inheritance with my sons." Jacob seemed to drift for a moment, lost in reminiscence: "When I came from Paddan Aram my beloved Rachel died on the way, much to my grief-- and I buried her there at Bethlehem, on the way to Ephrath."
And then Jacob seemed to notice Ephraim and Manasseh for the first time: "Who are these boys?" he asked querulously.
Joseph told him, "These are my sons (the ones you just adopted--), born here in Egypt: Ephraim and Manasseh."
"Bring them close! I want to bless them!" His eyes had dimmed so much that he could barely see so Joseph led the boys up to their grandfather, who kissed them and held them close. Tears spilled across his face: "I never expected to see your face again and, look! God has even let me see your children."
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 48:12-22
Joseph bowed low before his father and brought his two sons for blessing: Ephraim to Jacob's left and Manasseh to Jacob's right. But Israel crossed his hands as he put them on their heads: his right hand on Ephraim-the-younger's head and his left hand on Manasseh-the-firstborn's head. First he blessed Joseph.
"The God of my fathers Abraham and Isaac has been my Shepherd to this very day, Angel of God Who has redeemed me from evil: bless these boys. Let my name live on in them: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! May they grow into a mighty company!"
But Joseph was disturbed to see his father's hands crossed and he took hold of his father's right hand in order to move it to Manasseh's head, saying, "No, Papa, this is the firstborn; give him preeminence."
But Israel was not willing. "Joseph, my son, I know - but I also know something about God favoring as He pleases. Manasseh's tribe will indeed be great but Ephraim's will be even greater."
Thus Jacob blessed them and said, "Israel will bless by one another by you: Israel will say, 'May God make you prosper like Ephraim and Manasseh!'"
Jacob turned to Joseph, "I'm not long for this world but God will be with you and He will bring you back to the land of your fathers. I give you the double portion, more than I give to your eleven brothers, riches I took from the Amorites by sword and bow."
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142
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Posted
Genesis 49: 1-4
1 Then Jacob called for his sons and said:
"Gather around - I've got some good news and some bad news about what's going to be happening to each of you in the next few days and weeks once I've 'shed this mortal coil', ok? Reuben, you are my firstborn, strong and powerful, but on account of how you went onto this dear old Dad's bed with my wife and were rather naughty, you're not going to be as strong and excellent in the future. In fact, I'm not going to treat you like a firstborn son now - you'll just be an ordinary one, and think yourself lucky I didn't do worse to you, ok?"
Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
"Simeon and Levi, the two of you suck so much you're together just about maybe worth one son, so I'm going to tell the two of you together straight out: you suck. You thought I'd forgotten that slaughtering of the Shechemites thing, didn't you? No such luck. You're not going to get to live gathered together like your brothers' descendants; no, you're going to be scattered all over."
Genesis 49:5-7
[ 26. March 2008, 17:55: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 49:8-23
Judah, you rock. You rock so hard that all of your brothers shall laud ya. All of your enemies shall live under your iron fist. Not only will your sons praise you, they will bow down to you.
Judah truly is like a lion's cub; he's always been a hunter, no matter the prey. Even in recline, he's so leonine that none would dare arouse him!
The scepter will always be in Judah's hand, and the staff of power shall be forever between his feet, until tribute comes to him, and the obedience of the peoples is his.
This kid is gonna have so many grapes that he shall use grapevines, even the best grapevines to bind his foals and donkey's colts. He will have so much wine he'll use it for laundry detergent, dying his clothes royal purple. In these robes, he shall be kingly, especially with those dark eyes of his. He shall always remember to brush your teeth, and they shall be whitened.
ETA: fixed pronoun
[ 26. March 2008, 20:04: Message edited by: mirrizin ]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
"Issachar is strong, living in a pleasant valley between good neighbours, neighbours as strong and contented as cattle. So he worked hard, like the neutered ass he is, and sold himself into slavery."
Genesis 49:14-15
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142
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Posted
Genesis 49:18-19
Jacob paused for a moment and said "I just can't wait for your salvation, God".
Continuing to address his offspring now, he said, "Gad, you're going to be in a huge battle, but you'll win in the end"
Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006
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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142
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Posted
Genesis 49: 22-26
Joseph, he's a fine fellow. Although plenty of people in his life have been out to get him, he's defended himself well, using wisdom and courage rather than violence, thanks to God's help. God will undoubtedly keep on blessing him, as I do too.
Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006
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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142
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Posted
Genesis 49: 28-33
So... Jacob had duly given his blessing/prediction for each of his twelve offspring.
He told them again that he was to die, and wanted to be buried in Ephron's cave. Giving his last careful and detailed instructions on where to find this cave, just in case they got it wrong, he also gave them a clue or two about which other famous names were already buried there, (Abraham and Sarah, Isaac, Rebeckah and Leah).
Jacob then curled up and died.
Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Genesis 50:1-6
Joseph instantaneously went into hyper-grief mode, weeping and kissing his dead father's face. He ordered the physicians to make a mummy of his daddy, and so Israel was embalmed in a process that took 40 days, which is about how long it takes to turn a dead daddy into a mummy. And as if that wasn't service enough, the Egyptians wept for him for 70 days.
When they were finally finished with their weeping, Joe addressed the household of Pharaoh, saying, "If you truly think I'm worthy, deliver the following message to Pharaoh:
My father made me swear an oath; he said, 'I am about to die. In the tomb that I carved out for myself (with my bear hands!) in Canaan, there you shall bury me.'"
Pharaoh heard this message, and without hesitation replied, "Well, I can't really argue with a dead man's dying wish. Go on up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do."
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Genesis 50:7-9
Everyone who was anyone travelled with Joseph to Canaan for Jacob's funeral: Pharaoh's servants, and his advisors, and all the elders of Egypt, and all the households of Jacob and of Joseph and of his brothers, and chariots and riders. Except they left the children home with the flocks and herds, and Pharaoh stayed home too.
[ 07. April 2008, 20:08: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 50:10-14
When the large company came to the threshing floor of Atad, beyond the Jordan, they mourned for Joseph's father for seven days with intense mourning and great drama, so much so that the locals said, "Wow-- that is one heavy-duty Egyptian act of grief, major big time mourning--" and so they called the place Abel-mizraim, Meadow of Egypt.
So it was that Jacob's sons did for him all that he charged them because they carried him back to Canaan and buried him in the cave of his fathers at Macpelah, in the field that Abraham bought as a burial site for Sarah, lo many years back.
After they finished, the Joseph and his brothers and the whole company returned to Egypt.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Genesis 50:15-17
"Hey bros, what we gonna do? now that Dad is dead and not able to protect us, Joey might decide it's time to take revenge on us for that little incident with the pit."
(Deep thought by 11 scheming minds)
"I know, let's tell him Dad told him to treat us nicely and not hold the past against us."
(The 11 brothers login.)
From: 11bros@gmail.com
To: zaphnath.paaneah@egypt.gov
Subject: Dad said...
"Hi Joe. Remember that unfortunate incident the last time we saw you before you left for Egypt? Well, Dad said to forgive us for that and treat us nicely. We are really sorry and it won't happen again. Sincerely, the 11 of us who love you a whole lot and please don't forget it."
(Joseph weeps.)
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Genesis 50:18=26
Realizing that the email was kind of cold, the 11 assembled themselves before Joseph and groveled and said, "We're your servants! (don't kill us please)"
And Joseph realized they still hadn't resolved the guilt from their past actions against him so he tried to set their minds at rest: "Please don't fear me; I'm not God. You were angry and acted against me with evil intent but God Himself meant it for good, in order that all of us and many many others might survive the famine. Please - don't be afraid of me; I will continue to look out for you and your children," and so Joseph reassured his brothers.
Joseph lived out the rest of his life in Egypt, along with all his father's household. He saw his son Ephraim's great-grandchildren (his double-greats) and Manasseh's grandchildren he bounced on his knee.
Finally Joseph called his brothers and said, "I'm dying - but God is going to look out for you; He will bring you out of this land and back to Canaan, the land He Himself swore to give to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as a lasting inheritance. So you must promise me you will carry my bones up from Egypt when God makes His move."
Joseph was 110 when he died; he was embalmed in the Egyptian manner and put in a coffin.
And so ends Genesis; on to Exodus!
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
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