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Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Oooh, lots. I attended a small Brethren group for many years. Occasionally there would be a meeting on Saturday afternoon, then a light meal and another meeting afterwards. On the way, someone had shut the car door on my hand which was rapidly turning nasty shades of purple.

I sat concentrating on whatever helped take the pain away. My husband and I stood close to the end to go downstairs to make the huge pot of tea required. I had not moved for a couple of hours and did not realise my foot and leg had gone quite to sleep. I stood up and promptly fell over.
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Oh dear, that is really funny....I suppose I shouldn't laugh.Although I am. I do hope someone rescued you and brought YOU a cup of tea

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Originally posted by HCH:
Although I was not there, I have been told of the following. My sister and my mother were attending a Christmas program, and it involved small children dressed as sheep with cute little sheep ears. The two of them found this very silly and sat there trying not to laugh out loud.

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Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I decided that I wanted to become a lay eucharistic minister (LEM) because I was attracted to the ministry of taking the Host to shut-ins. However you can't just do that. There is the small matter of serving during services. Generally a newbie starts training as a crucifer and then moves up to other parts of the job.

So on my first Sunday I was paired with a very experienced laywoman who was good at training. The first thing I was to do was to lead the procession carrying the cross. I was shown how unclasp it from the clamp on the wall and I took it to walk in procession. That sucker was heavy! We processed up to the altar area and I put the cross back in in its holder. The only thing was that reattaching it was something I hadn't practiced but I thought I had it. I walked about three steps away when BAM!!! the thing hit the floor- almost hitting me. I covered my face, whirled around and headed for the vestry, took off my robes, and spent the next twenty minutes in the garden.

Later a veteran LEM told me that she once stumbled and spilled a full chalice of wine in front of the altar. I don't think it was sanctified. But I felt a little better.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I decided that I wanted to become a lay eucharistic minister (LEM) because I was attracted to the ministry of taking the Host to shut-ins. However you can't just do that. There is the small matter of serving during services. Generally a newbie starts training as a crucifer and then moves up to other parts of the job.

So on my first Sunday I was paired with a very experienced laywoman who was good at training. The first thing I was to do was to lead the procession carrying the cross. I was shown how unclasp it from the clamp on the wall and I took it to walk in procession. That sucker was heavy! We processed up to the altar area and I put the cross back in in its holder. The only thing was that reattaching it was something I hadn't practiced but I thought I had it. I walked about three steps away when BAM!!! the thing hit the floor- almost hitting me. I covered my face, whirled around and headed for the vestry, took off my robes, and spent the next twenty minutes in the garden.

Later a veteran LEM told me that she once stumbled and spilled a full chalice of wine in front of the altar. I don't think it was sanctified. But I felt a little better.

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Oh no! I wonder who picked it up! There are some people who seem to carry off mishaps with aplomb...but I'm not one of them, I must admit.
What actually would they have had to do if the wine HAD been sanctified...I know in some denoms,maybe all, they have to be very careful in disposing of any unused elements or if some accident occurs. But what if it spilled on a carpet?
The responsibility! I must admit that the older I get, the less responsibility I would like to take on - I have a horrible feeling that I would be the one in the parable of the Talents who ends up with nothing because I hadn't done anything with what I have...but the problem is, there's so much scope for things going wrong - I know from experience!

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Originally posted by Sipech:
Well, there was this. More awkward than amusing. Certainly at the time.

I'm sure a trawl through the rest of the Mystery Worshipper archives will reveal more.

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Ooh yes, that sort of thing could be quite unnerving for someone of a nervous disposition, especially if they'd not encountered that church style before.
I sometimes wonder how on earth we're all going to fit in with one another in Heaven...we have so many ways of being. Of course, I suppose there won't be any shyness or whatever anymore, but I do sometimes wonder whether there'll have to special areas for, say, tidy people, messy people, loud people, quiet people etc etc. Not that one couldn't intermingle or venture into other people's domains, but perhaps when one got a little tired of the strain of not dropping a crumb on a highly polished table, or of attempting not to leave a muddy footprint on the white shagpile carpet, one could hastily scuttle away to one's own relaxing, not over-tidy or clean area...you know, where there might be a little dust here or there. And conversely, the real neat n' clean people could dash back to the safety of their place. But perhaps nobody would be bothered by anything?

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Originally posted by North East Quine:
.

A narrow miss was when the children were asked what their ideal church would look like. My son said he liked to see mummies in church. This was met with general approval as the sign of a boy who loved his mother. I knew, however, that what he wanted to see in our Presbyterian church was statues of the Virgin and Child.

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Haha! I though at first he meant Egyptian mummies

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Originally posted by Urfshyne:
Many years ago I was leading an open air meeting for the first time on a somewhat windy day. During my Bible reading the pages blew over so, putting the microphone between my knees, I sorted out where I should be in the reading.

Picking up the microphone I said to anybody within hearing, "I'm sorry about that, I am having terrible trouble with the wind this morning."

I then wondered why the rest of the band were falling about with laughter.......

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Hm, similar to that, but not actually in church but in a small music group I played in - I said, oh, I can feel my G String vibrating! Of course, the three other members of the group were all men and looked at me with varying degrees of amusement...SO embarassing. It was just that one of them if I remember correctly was blowing on his clarinet or whatever instrument it was, to sort of warm it up or something, and it resonated with the G string on my instrument.

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
.
In our old parish we had a slanting wooden floor in the nave. The wee ones would go downstairs to nick the billiard balls during service, and then roll them under the pews all the way to the front...

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Iv'e never heard of billiard balls in a church before

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Originally posted by Cottontail:
A friend of mine, a new elder, was serving communion for the first time. The church used wee cuppies, and it was the elders' job to take these out to the people sitting in the pews. Wee cuppies are carried in a tray with holes in it, but unusually, this particular tray had no 'bottom' - the cuppies just hung down below.

Friend picks up tray of wee cuppies filled with wine. Friend stumbles going down chancel steps. Friend claps hand to the bottom of the tray to save it. Wee cuppies launch into the air.

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I have to say, that is hilarious, but it must have been SO embarassing for the poor chap .
Plus, wouldn't small glasses have been better than urine recepticles...?

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Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
I at least got further than that. We distributed and ate the bread, then distributed the cups. At this point I went straight on to the post-communion prayer and announced the final hymn. At this point someone at the back of the church held up his cup and called out, "We haven't drunk it yet".

On another occasion the Deacons serving the wine returned to the Communion Table but I forgot to offer it to them. Just in time one of them said (In a loud stage whisper that would have been heard all over the church): "SERVE US!"

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Yes, actually, Communion can be SO stressful...whenever you go into a different church, you have to try and follow carefully the protocol for that particular place...do you take the bread/wafer in your hand/your mouth? Do the participants pass bread to one another to be broken off, and maybe give a bit of encouragement or prayer? Does one keep a solemn/reverent expression on one's face, or does one beam from ear to ear? And how on earth with those little cups does everyone down it in one go at the same time? It takes me at least two or three sips...lucky I don't choke! One can easily feel like one's queuing up for one's daily dose of cod liver oil. Quite an ordeal!
I wonder sometimes, what it would be like if Jesus was actually there in person, physically I mean, so you could see him. What would we all do? Would we be serious and reverential, would we be smiling our heads off, would we be jumping up and down for joy...or maybe guiltily slinking away ( even though we've already done the confession bit).
I dunno, things can get a bit confusing for me sometimes

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Originally posted by cornflower:

quote:

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
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In our old parish we had a slanting wooden floor in the nave. The wee ones would go downstairs to nick the billiard balls during service, and then roll them under the pews all the way to the front...

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Iv'e never heard of billiard balls in a church before

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Oh funny, funny!

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Originally posted by cornflower:

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Originally posted by cornflower:

quote:

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
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In our old parish we had a slanting wooden floor in the nave. The wee ones would go downstairs to nick the billiard balls during service, and then roll them under the pews all the way to the front...

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Iv'e never heard of billiard balls in a church before

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Oh funny, funny!

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Tut, that comment I added was for a different post - I don't know why, but sometimes, somehow, the wrong one comes up...not sure I quite have the hang of this

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Originally posted by georgiaboy:
Some years ago our cathedral had a rather 'trendy' young-ish dean. Among his bright ideas was a Nativity pageant with live animals. If you are ever tempted to do this -- Don't!
We had a nice assortment of critters, including a llama with incredible eyelashes. However -- there were also several sheep and a ram. The inevitable happened; one of the ewes was 'in season.' And the ram proceeded to perform according to his genes. And this at a rather solemn point in the narration.
The handler was appealed to to 'do something!' His reply was 'Far better to let him finish.'

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You know, sometimes I think God invented us humans because we're like His own personal sitcom or tragicomedy. He probably thinks, why do you humans take yourselves SO seriously. I can imagine Him and the angels rolling round on a Friday night watching reruns of our antics - got the popcorn ready? Then let the show begin. Conversely perhaps He has His head in His hands, hardly able to look with one eye between His fingers....

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Originally posted by georgiaboy:
Some years ago our cathedral had a rather 'trendy' young-ish dean. Among his bright ideas was a Nativity pageant with live animals. If you are ever tempted to do this -- Don't!
We had a nice assortment of critters, including a llama with incredible eyelashes. However -- there were also several sheep and a ram. The inevitable happened; one of the ewes was 'in season.' And the ram proceeded to perform according to his genes. And this at a rather solemn point in the narration.
The handler was appealed to to 'do something!' His reply was 'Far better to let him finish.'

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Originally posted by cornflower:

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Originally posted by Cottontail:
A friend of mine, a new elder, was serving communion for the first time. The church used wee cuppies, and it was the elders' job to take these out to the people sitting in the pews. Wee cuppies are carried in a tray with holes in it, but unusually, this particular tray had no 'bottom' - the cuppies just hung down below.

Friend picks up tray of wee cuppies filled with wine. Friend stumbles going down chancel steps. Friend claps hand to the bottom of the tray to save it. Wee cuppies launch into the air.

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I have to say, that is hilarious, but it must have been SO embarassing for the poor chap .
Plus, wouldn't small glasses have been better than urine recepticles...?

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Originally posted by Cottontail:

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Originally posted by cornflower:

quote:

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Originally posted by Cottontail:
A friend of mine, a new elder, was serving communion for the first time. The church used wee cuppies, and it was the elders' job to take these out to the people sitting in the pews. Wee cuppies are carried in a tray with holes in it, but unusually, this particular tray had no 'bottom' - the cuppies just hung down below.

Friend picks up tray of wee cuppies filled with wine. Friend stumbles going down chancel steps. Friend claps hand to the bottom of the tray to save it. Wee cuppies launch into the air.

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I have to say, that is hilarious, but it must have been SO embarassing for the poor chap .
Plus, wouldn't small glasses have been better than urine recepticles...?

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Poor woman was most embarrassed, yes.

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Oops, sorry, dunno why I made the assumption it was a man .

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Originally posted by Cottontail:
No worries, cornflower. Old habits die hard.
She's actually a minister now, so she got over the embarrassment at some point.

- edited for typo.

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Originally posted by Marama:
Two moments-

In a high Anglican church in the tropics. Daughter aged about 3, with me at the altar, in the penetrating whisper of small children: "Mummy, Father Api's got no shoes on!"

In a modern UCA church in Australia, a sudden loud shriek from a lady in the middle of the congregation. A mouse had dropped from the ceiling onto her head. It fled!

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Haha! I'm surprised the lady didn't flee!

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Originally posted by Jengie jon:
I think I have told before on this board this tale but it is a good one.

At the time I attended a small Methodist Churchon a Sunday evening. Its worship space was a multipurpose hall during the week.

This particular time we had a rather high Methodist preaching and his topic was the sanctity of communion. He kept as a sign of the congregation's reverence indicating what he thought was a rather splendid communion table.

The only thing was that it was a pool table used by a youth group on a Friday covered with a splendid drape so it did not distract from worship.

The communion table if you knew was in plain sight. It was a small side table something similar to this 19th Century one but a lot more battered. They normally had it stored just by the fire exit to the carpark. Needless to say, the congregation was actually the lowest of low Methodists.

The lady I sat beside, a stalwart of the congregation and I were in giggles the whole time.

Jengie

[edited for clarity]

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Originally posted by Boogie:
Little Boogie was six years old. Her Dad was the Minister. The church was packed with 400 people, the service being translated into 6 languages. (SOWETO 1960s)

Little Boogie was mauling round on baked mud floor with the other children, as usual, at the front of the church. It was hot, the roof was corrugated iron, the service was very long ...

Little Boogie had an uncomfortable, itchy feeling down below. Felt in her knickers - and produced a foot long worm!

She wasn't worried, she was curious, so she held it up and shouted 'look daddy, look what I found in my knickers!'

....

I was scooped up by a huge lady and taken to her small house, put on a bed and given medicine. I didn't mind this (always being one for enjoying fuss and new experiences) but I was confused about the medicine as I didn't feel poorly at all.

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I should think that that was at least understandable given those conditions...but can you imagine how much more embarassing that would be if somehow something like that occurred in the middle of a service in some English Cathedral or something! With the Bishop doing confirmations or whatever! The mind boggles

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Originally posted by Jengie jon:
There are very definitely high and low Methodists in the UK. The high Methodist will have weekly communion, an altar rail with people coming forward. The low Methodist service will resemble a Congregationalist service, people served in pews, monthly services at most and little liturgy. Most are somewhere in between.

The origins of the different practices actual stem back to prior to the 1930s merger.

Jengie

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Oh right, thanks for that info . I don't know a lot about Methodism except that I was fascinated by its founder John Wesley and have read a couple of books about him. I have to say, I'm not sure that I'd have gone down too well with him, he seemed to be so self-disciplined...but then, I should think he'd have had to be made of strong stuff to achieve everything that he did, having in effect been kicked out of the CoE, and having to face hostile crowds. And from what I can gather he and his new 'church' had a tremendous transforming affect on whole groups of people at the time

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Originally posted by Sparrow:
Perhaps this doesn't quite belong here but this is what happened to me at church this morning. It's a hot day in London town and I was wearing my thinnest, lightest pair of linen trousers. As I was bustling around before the service helping set up, an elderly female member of the congregation came up to me and informed me she could see my pink knickers under my trousers ....

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Did you have a cardigan or something you could tie round your waist? That's like when you wear a skirt, and then realise that when you're out in bright light, it suddenly becomes kind of transparent

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Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
A friend of mine cycled to church one winter's evening. She was a bit late and slipped into the pew just at the start of the opening prayer. At its end, the person behind tapped her on the shoulder and said, "You've still got a flashing red light attached to the back of your jacket".

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That's the kind of thing that would happen to me. I remember once going to a service at a church that I sometimes attended as well as my usual one. I went up for Communion and when I came back and sat down I saw this trail of footprints going all the way up to the front and back. To my horror I realised they were mine! I had probably also arrived on my pushbike and, having to find somewhere to lock it up, had walked across some sort of builders' detritus without realising (it was dark if I remember). I'm not sure that I dared to go back to that church again for a long time, if ever

On another occasion, I think it was probably a funeral or something equally solemn, I remembered to put my mobile phone on silent, but unfortunately had placed it on the wooden pew beside me. Someone started phoning me, and as the 'vibrate' function was still switched on, the sound was hugely amplified in the dead quiet of the church. Oh my goodness, I could have died then and there myself!