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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Fuck you black dog
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Join the club, Twilight..... ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
Why the fuck can't we just DIE and get the fuck out of it....???
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
[dons hostly tam o'shanter and types to the skirl of the pipes - why, yes, I am in a forest in Scotland]
Depression sucks. If you're finding it extra sucky at the moment, Real Life™ medical practitioners and mental health professionals are your first port of call.
This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the Ship.
[shoots pipes with twelve gauge, revels in the sudden silence and lowers tam o'shanter as a mark of respect]
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
LilBuddha is my favorite person to argue with on the ship because she never seems to get really mad at me even when I deserve it.
I don't get mad at you because you don't deserve it. We might disagree on occasion, but I feel you are coming to the discussion from a good and honest place.
quote:
So today I am very subdued and even tempered.
I do not rant, neither do I sing.
At 6, I was swatted by a teacher for coming into class singing and dancing. It was not "proper". Took years to shake that attitude off. Now I am loud, ranting, gesticulating and passionate. Well, sometimes.
In the end I think I feel more free to be me, not out of strength of character, but because I am quite contrary.
You be you, fuck them.
[ 22. July 2015, 19:09: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
... I got the, infrequent, but always the same, criticism that I get from family members and friends. "You have a bad temper. You complain too much, rant too much, get angry over little things and get more angry than anyone else in the whole world when you do get angry. It's not any one annoying, fixable thing that we don't like, it's you. We just don't like the person you are. You're the worst."
Tell them to go fuck themselves. (;
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I don't usually read this thread because I seldom have real depression, and yet, I fear it and think it's a bit contagious.
I tend not to post here; I know so many suffer much more than I do. It crept up on me so slowly I almost didn't realize it, and I think in my case it is related to aging. One day I realized I wasn't really enjoying anything that used to give me joy. The world was just a lot grayer. So I don't know if it's contagious or just a part of getting older; but it crept up so slowly I never realized what was happening or what it was doing to me.
That was a few years ago; after trying several medications I've found one that I can take that works for me. I know I'm lucky and not everyone can say that.
It was just bad enough that I never see anyone post on this thread without thinking kindly of them, and sending a little prayer to hope it gets better. I did no more than wade a few feet into the black sea, but it was enough that I salute those who must contend with it daily.
I'm thinking about you all. I hope it gets better.
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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson
Posts: 3337 | From: ...somewhere in between 40 and death... | Registered: Mar 2007
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
... I got the, infrequent, but always the same, criticism that I get from family members and friends. "You have a bad temper. You complain too much, rant too much, get angry over little things and get more angry than anyone else in the whole world when you do get angry. It's not any one annoying, fixable thing that we don't like, it's you. We just don't like the person you are. You're the worst."
Tell them to go fuck themselves. (;
Perhaps with some Subversive Cross-stitch? Like this.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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W Hyatt
Shipmate
# 14250
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I am, however, pretty darn depressed today because yesterday I got the, infrequent, but always the same, criticism that I get from family members and friends. "You have a bad temper. You complain too much, rant too much, get angry over little things and get more angry than anyone else in the whole world when you do get angry. It's not any one annoying, fixable thing that we don't like, it's you. We just don't like the person you are. You're the worst."
I can't help but notice that this tells me nothing about you, but a lot about those who speak such words. It would be nice [for you] to be able to count on at least a little empathy from family and friends. Where are you supposed to turn if not to them?
quote:
So today I am very subdued and even tempered.
I do not rant, neither do I sing.
Which is far from what I believe God wants for you from them. So sorry for all that you are forced to deal with.
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A new church and a new earth, with Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life.
Posts: 1565 | From: U.S.A. | Registered: Nov 2008
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Twilight,
I am waiting for the news item that says an American woman with a cute little dog ran amok with a machine gun in her local mall.
Now that would be angry!
If y0u wold like a copy of the "Subversive Stitch" needlework Golden Key linked to then flick me a PM. I'd be happy to stitch it for you ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
[ 24. July 2015, 07:07: Message edited by: Huia ]
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Quick, Twilight. Take up the offer. Huia gets stitching therapy, you get a gift and you get the use of it when family annoy. All winners.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Whilst my youngest likes to make up her own designs, my eldest likes to copy Hama beads patterns to the letter. How I wish their grandfather (my father) used a smart phone - that would be Christmas sorted.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Can I have one as well? Having been away from Church all week with Black Dog (and a nice little migraine, just to put a bit of jam on it), NOT ONCE have I had an enquiry from my dear Vicar as to how I am........for all he knows, I could be lying dead somewhere, going a bit niffy by now.
A GFY message seems appropriate for him.
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
You all are great. You've made me cry (in the good way) and laugh, so now like Organ Builder I'm feeling better, but back to praying for all of you after taking a dip in the black pool.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
... I got the, infrequent, but always the same, criticism that I get from family members and friends. "You have a bad temper. You complain too much, rant too much, get angry over little things and get more angry than anyone else in the whole world when you do get angry. It's not any one annoying, fixable thing that we don't like, it's you. We just don't like the person you are. You're the worst."
Family are never going to see you objectively, and many problems stem from family members expecting other family members to behave in accordance with some goddamn script they're inventing as they go along, often based on misperceptions, unrealistic expectations, one-off incidents from when you were 7, and sometimes even outright fantasy that flies in the face of any kind of demonstrable reality.
The temptation to snarl back, "I don't like the person you are either" would be very hard to resist, as would "why are you still in my house".
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Preach, Ariel.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
<snip> family members expecting other family members to behave in accordance with some goddamn script they're inventing as they go along, often based on misperceptions, unrealistic expectations, one-off incidents from when you were 7, and sometimes even outright fantasy that flies in the face of any kind of demonstrable reality.
Bingo on all that. Plus, when you get older you get to add to those legends from when you were seven, all the left over anger at the deceased parent you resemble. I look and act a lot like my father and he left tons of unresolved issues behind. All the things they wish they had said to him they can still say to me.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Fucking black dog, piss off and bite someone else - preferably one of those perpetual smilers ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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alienfromzog
Ship's Alien
# 5327
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Posted
My Black dog has suddenly got a little persistent. He's been fine for a long time but more-than-the-usual level of melancholy has hit me this week along with the basic once-a-day existential crises...
Hmmmm....
I am so grateful that my depression has been very well controlled for so long and whilst I am no where near my worst, that old nagging fear is back that I could be.
That's how you can tell people who've known depression - the fear of it.
AFZ
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Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]
An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)
Posts: 2150 | From: Zog, obviously! Straight past Alpha Centauri, 2nd planet on the left... | Registered: Dec 2003
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
That's how you can tell people who've known depression - the fear of it.
So very, very true. The only time I really had a bad, frightening case was for a few months right after I quit smoking, 20 years ago. That makes me believe a lot of it is chemical, and that's kind of depressing in itself to think that my joy had been coming from nicotine. I know that if it ever comes back, and prescribed meds don't work, I might take up smoking again.
![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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not entirely me
Shipmate
# 17637
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Posted
I hate the way the black dog hovers and waits for when you feel most vulnerable.
I call it galena mood when our metaphorical dog sits on me because the density I physically feel in my body when I am depressed reminds me of the weight of holding a piece of galena and every task becomes something to drag through.
Today is not a galena day as such but more a "Fuck off pmt" day.
Posts: 68 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2013
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
I just bailed from a church responsibility I had been looking forward to, because I took it on during an 'up' and then found it impossible to discharge during a 'down'.
I keep doing this - it's embarrassing and loads responsibility onto others. The only way through I can think of is to take no responsibility for anything, and just make random un-anticipated contributions when mood allows it.
This sounds like a definition of a twat.
FYBD
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I am so grateful that my depression has been very well controlled for so long and whilst I am no where near my worst, that old nagging fear is back that I could be.
That's how you can tell people who've known depression - the fear of it.
Oh, fuck, yes.
That thing of when you're coming up to something you know can be triggery or something - like, it's my birthday soon, and that's usually a time I have a big plunge of doom.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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alienfromzog
Ship's Alien
# 5327
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by luvanddaisies:
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I am so grateful that my depression has been very well controlled for so long and whilst I am no where near my worst, that old nagging fear is back that I could be.
That's how you can tell people who've known depression - the fear of it.
Oh, fuck, yes.
That thing of when you're coming up to something you know can be triggery or something - like, it's my birthday soon, and that's usually a time I have a big plunge of doom.
Better week for me, this week.
But for you:
Or, if you prefer:
BAD DOG
AFZ
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Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]
An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)
Posts: 2150 | From: Zog, obviously! Straight past Alpha Centauri, 2nd planet on the left... | Registered: Dec 2003
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ThunderBunk
Stone cold idiot
# 15579
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Posted
Today is the start of two weeks off. Ideally, this will be a time of creativity and recharging. If it turns infernal, it will be a time of falling into a depressive black hole. The signs are mostly good so far, but the black dog is only ever on a temporary leash.....
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Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".
Foolish, potentially deranged witterings
Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
I'm hungover. My own fault. And it turns out that having had to get my sister and a solicitor in the same room to sign stuff related to probate on my dad's estate, there's one piece of paper I didn't get them to sign, so I have to arrange it all again. And my mother says that the reason my husband doesn't fancy me any more is because I've gained three dress sizes over our 17 year marriage.
And these things are all stones falling on my head as I sit at the bottom of a deep, dark well.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Alternatively its not that your husband doesn't fancy you any more but that he is (a) knackered and (b) suffering from low libido. Look at it this way: is he still the man you married - same size waist, number of teeth, decent personal habits, no snoring? I bet you can answer no to at least one of those.
We all change over time, some of the changes good others maybe not so much. But few, if any, of us changes from good to perfection.
I'm sorry things are looking so bleak and your mother is being unsupportive.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
WTF?
That has to be one of the most useless and unhelpful posts on this thread.
L'organist, go fuck yourself, and then recalibrate your sympathy-O-meter (if you have one).
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
This isn't all saints - perhaps it should be - but its not.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
This is Hell. Where both the Black Dog and L'Organist reside.
This thread is not a support group for those suffering from the snarling cur, and posting here still carries the 'paint a target on your chest/arse' warning as the rest of Hell.
End of PSA.
DT
HH
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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alienfromzog
Ship's Alien
# 5327
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
WTF?
That has to be one of the most useless and unhelpful posts on this thread.
L'organist, go fuck yourself, and then recalibrate your sympathy-O-meter (if you have one).
Ian J.
Notwishstanding Doc Tor's wise hostly intervention
![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) ![[Biased]](wink.gif) you have a point. Although if you look back to the first two-three pages of this thread, you'll see some deeply unhelpful posting.
quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
And these things are all stones falling on my head as I sit at the bottom of a deep, dark well.
THIS is the point. Erroneous describes the deep dark well. Depression is not the horrible things in life, it is an all-encompassing all-enveloping non-life. In this context, such horrible things can be deeply hurtful. I suspect the 'stones falling on head' is a perfect metaphor. I cannot speak for E.M. but I identify with the imagery she used here.
In this context, I think L'organists comment is at-best deeply misguided.
I think one could say: I may not be able to reach down to your well, but I can hold off with the stones...
AFZ
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Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]
An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)
Posts: 2150 | From: Zog, obviously! Straight past Alpha Centauri, 2nd planet on the left... | Registered: Dec 2003
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
Come disaster, come plague, come nuclear annihilation, any annihilation. Our species does not deserve to continue.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Patdys
Iron Wannabe
RooK-Annoyer
# 9397
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
This is Hell. Where both the Black Dog and L'Organist reside.
This thread is not a support group for those suffering from the snarling cur, and posting here still carries the 'paint a target on your chest/arse' warning as the rest of Hell.
End of PSA.
DT
HH
True.
This is where you can come and scream. As loud as you want.
You can pray by scream.
And I will read.
And I will pray.
And scream too.
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Marathon run. Next Dream. Australian this time.
Posts: 3511 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Patdys
Iron Wannabe
RooK-Annoyer
# 9397
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Posted
And today I need to scream.
For friends and overdoses.
For family and their pain.
And for my compassion fatigue.
Fuck you black dog.
Fuck you too cancer.
And heart disease.
Fuck you for a flawed world, flawed relationships and a flawed fucking idea of God.
Fuck you that when I want to prepare to go overseas for the first time in twenty fucking years, I have to be prepared that some people may die while I am away.
In two fucking weeks.
And fuck me too, that I am losing sight of the woods for the NYC trees.
I am tired.
Fuck off black dog, I need a break from giving a shit.
[ 18. October 2015, 05:08: Message edited by: Patdys ]
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Marathon run. Next Dream. Australian this time.
Posts: 3511 | Registered: Apr 2005
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
Bwaaaaaaarrrrgggh.
Fuck.
![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif)
And I thought it might have a spell of getting a bit better.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Wot l&d said.
Sorry to piggy-back luvanddaises but you said it so well, and I don't have the energy to find words.
Fucking Black Dog and fucking passive-aggressive people.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
fuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<performs mighty double bird>
I, too, need a break form giving a shit, for I have no shits left to give. The box of shits which can be given is empty and void. I must go to the Shop of Shits and score me some more.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
Wot l&d said.
Sorry to piggy-back luvanddaises but you said it so well, and I don't have the energy to find words.
Your little compliment just made me quite unreasonably chuffed! Thank you.
I think I'm less "aargh" today than I was that day. Having spent today thus far binge-watching Mr Robot on Amazon Video, and not had to get up at 02:30 or go to work, or even leave the house probably helps. I should leave the house to find dinner, but i just don't want to do that.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
The black dog has flopped itself down on my lap and I don't have the energy to tell it to get the fuck off already.
So I sit for hours and cruise the internet instead of getting off my ass to finish taking care of my late father's affairs that need some serious attention. And I can't get my mind organized enough to do the stuff anyway what with the dog drooling on it. ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Black Dog is lurking in the background again, Goddammit - not helped by the possibility that I may have epilepsy. Jam on the bread and butter, no?
Fuckitall.....
I.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Some seasonal affective disorder (SAD) kicking up, and I may have to increase my meds. Also some situational depression trying to sneak in.
{{{{{{{all of us}}}}}}}
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Family fights and a lost major freelance client. Would hide under the bed but i'do have to clean it out first.
[ 11. November 2015, 17:50: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
Is it just the depression, or should I quit my job and go back to music?
Or, to put it another way...
Which is less of a headfuck? Staying in a job whose hours are antisocial and that I'm not really enjoying, or going back to music that I ran away from and admitting that the boats chapter is properly over?
Fuck you paralysed indecision.
( and fuck you buzz feed article (about what it's like feeling both depressed and anxious at the same time) for being so recognisable , although the stupid thing is, it might be helpful if I wasn't feeling like I'm a fucking fruitloop at the moment, so maybe someone else might find it so.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Blech. Part chemical, part situational. Not good.
{Gives black dog treats and a chew toy, wraps it up in a beach towel, and sends it off to woodlands and meadow to live.}
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Mad Cat
Shipmate
# 9104
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Posted
I sometimes dream about the black dog. I really like dogs, and actually, really like black ones, so the black dogs in my dreams are usually solemn but gentle companions.
Last night, I dreamt I was cycling home with shopping and the black dog trotting alongside, thinking how beautiful Fife was over the river. It was the double decker bus crawling behind me, and the massive pothole in the road that were giving me the fear.
I am, I appreciate, very odd.
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Weird and sweary.
Posts: 1844 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Feb 2005
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
No.
No no no no no No.
This is meant to be the start of a new section, positive. Changes. Coming back to the old thing as a better person.
No.
Go away and leave me alone.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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alienfromzog
Ship's Alien
# 5327
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Posted
Just some meandering thoughts, in case they're of use to someone else.
Lots of stress and change in my life professionally at the mo. As part of that, working away from home and hence living in temporary accommodation during the week.
I know from past experience that these things are risk factors for me. Plus it's winter, and I definitely have a degree of SADS.
So, the morbid, dark, extensional thoughts I seem to overhear myself having are not really a surprise.
How can I put this? For a long time, I have been well, but like many (all?) the Black Dog once conquered never actually goes away and he trots behind me everywhere. To the point that I wonder if I could cope if he wasn't there... I have joked to those who understand that a quiet day is one with only one existential crisis in it.
My black dog has not attacked but he is walking to heel these past couple of days. I caught a snippet of Ruby Wax on R2 today - talking about her mental health - how you never get cured as such - like diabetes. Or how you wouldn't tell someone with dementia to snap out of it and remember where the keys are. She also talked about knowing the early signs and reacting to them. I feel slightly guilty - I am really not unwell at the moment. I read this thread from time-to-time and remember the terrible, awful, unbearable times. I am not anywhere near that. And -THANK YOU LORD- I haven't been for a very long time. The oddity is how I can't quite remember properly how bad it was. Almost as though it happened to someone else. But every now and then I get a proper glimpse of how I was and then the fear comes - fear of going back to my own personal hell. That's how you can spot a person who's been depressed - the fear. We all have it I think.
I suppose I need to not feel guilty. These bad days/bad hours even are also part of the story and knowing how, by luck, and wisdom and experience and help and the grace of God to stop these becoming more that a passing episode does not change the truth of who I am and what I have.
My name is Alien and I have a Black Dog.
Please God let me never revert to how bad it was;
My name is Black Dog and I have an Alien.
And for any ship mates who need it: here are my prayers for you for healing and grace.
AFZ
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Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]
An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)
Posts: 2150 | From: Zog, obviously! Straight past Alpha Centauri, 2nd planet on the left... | Registered: Dec 2003
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anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
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Posted
I am getting pulled under the surface by the old black dog at the moment - this despite the fact that it is glorious full summer here, warm and fine and so on. It is also the long school holidays, which are, frankly, a personal hell to me. Even saying that makes me feel bad, but it's true. Spending long periods of uninterrupted time in the company of my children is very, very, bad for my mental health. That makes me feel guilty, because surely that's my problem, rather than theirs? That it seems they also would rather be somewhere else is I think my problem too - I can't drag myself up out of the mire of my own existential crisis and be a continual source of entertainment. And apparently they can't entertain themselves for even 20 minutes.
What this leads to is me just feeling completely overwhelmed by the demands, the complaints, the fighting, the backchat, the noise, the noise, the noise, the endless fucking noise - I get a sort of instinctive fight-or-flight response.
On days where the first option prevails, I yell at them for fighting, complain about the complaining, or make them go outside and just ignore the noises that issue from the yard. I feel bad about this because I'm the adult here, and I shouldn't let them get to me like this - and in fact in other areas of my life I'm quite successfully level-headed - I have been praised by an employer for my ability to 'work effectively alongside some of these rather unique [read: high maintenance] characters'. Yet somehow I can't do it at home.
However, what scares me more than the days when the 'fight' option prevails and the crazy yelling lady comes to the fore, are the other days, when I feel myself curling up and going down inside myself, as a way of protecting myself and/or escaping from the present, which is just too shit to deal with. I seem more calm on these days, but in reality I am just more absent, and I am frightened of that, because I like it. It is a nicer place to be, holed up in my own head, and once I've been there for a couple of days, it gets harder and harder to come out - or there seems less of a reason to, or something. So I become absent to my husband, as well, and outward to others in concentric circles, with an ever-growing desire to simply be by myself. More solitude! More! More silence! More calm! More darkness! I know if I don't keep fighting it, it'll get out of my control. But I don't want to fight it. I want the silence and the solitude. I want the detachment. I want to want the noise and the sunshine and the little whining things with sticky hands crawling all over me WANTING yet more SOMETHING. But not today.
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The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
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