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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Passive-Aggressive Notes
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Nick Jensen,
How exciting it was of you to put our little city on the map! Your achievement in saying something so breathtakingly stupid that it has made international headlines is to be applauded, as is your ability to cause a net increase in global mirth.
Your skill in maintaining two mutually exclusive "principles" (if I may use the term loosely) should not be underestimated. It is a rare person indeed who can fight so hard to prevent the civil recognition of same-sex relationships, and simultaneously declare that the civil recognition of his own relationship is valueless (because God's recognition is the important bit).
I'm curious to know if when you planned this, you in fact secretly knew that you don't meet the legal requirements for a divorce in this country, adding the delicious twist that the government appears to value your marriage more than you do? It's almost too good to be accidental.
I do hope you don't try to establish that you and your "wife" (to use a technical term) have been living apart for over 12 months and have no prospect of reconciliation. I think this is in truth a lesser option in your quest for a divorce. I think it would be far more rewarding for all of us if you argued that this legal requirement doesn't apply to you for some reason, and that the Government is violating your religious conscience by forcing you to remain lawfully wedded when you, as a God-fearing Christian, want to just peacefully live in sin in much the same way that thousands of couples you've traditionally looked down upon are able to.
Regards,
O.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
[ 11. June 2015, 17:23: Message edited by: Zacchaeus ]
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
So harsh. Of course we give a damn! A Divorce Party event has already been organised on Facebook!
I saw it after 2 hours. 1800 people had already signed up, though I suspect some of them aren't locals and wouldn't actually turn up on the night.
[ 11. June 2015, 22:53: Message edited by: orfeo ]
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest
So harsh. Of course we give a damn! A Divorce Party event has already been organised on Facebook!
I saw it after 2 hours. 1800 people had already signed up, though I suspect some of them aren't locals and wouldn't actually turn up on the night.
yes but some people would go anywhere, if they thought there was a free beer in it for them...
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Damn! I came on here to write that letter Orfeo, but you not only pipped me at the post, you did it so well.
Curses.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Dear Tim Hunt
I was so sorry to hear about the problems you have experienced with women colleagues. I can see that it must be very inconvenient for you, as a world-class scientist, to be falling in love with your colleagues and to have them falling in love with you.
I completely agree with you that the tendency of "the ladies" to burst into tears when criticised is very embarrassing. I quite understand that this sort of thing must be so disruptive to your important research. Personally, the only thing I find worse is the tendency men have to sulk for days when someone criticises them.
I think you were very brave to share your concerns in public and I hope you will continue to give the scientific community the benefit of your closely reasoned views on this important topic.
Yours sincerely
A Woman Scientist
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
I blame that slut Marie Curie, instead of doing real science, like the men, she was pirouetting, showing her ankles, and distracting the men. No women in the labs!
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Karma. She did die from her "lab work".
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
quote:
orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
It is a difficult lot, but some need to carry it.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!
It is a difficult lot, but some need to carry it.
Aren't we lucky it's not us.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Dear Newport Bus Company,
It's kind of you to indicate that a bus in "Not in Service" but why the "Sorry" prefix? How can a lump of metal, rubber, glass and plastic be sorry for anything?
Still, it's better than Stagecoach buses, which carry the all-too-cutesey "Sorry I'm Out of Service".
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear Sioni,
Do keep trying, you'll get the hang of this thread eventually! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Dear Bus Stop Vigilante,
You are my hero. Today you stood up for every one of us who have suffered the sneering smirk of a self-satisfied municipal bus conductor who looked us straight in the eye as he shut the doors just as our noses came within striking distance. I have been there, and my heart swelled with pride when you jumped in the path of the bus and refused to move after suffering one too many insults. Hooray!
I do have to ask, however-- how does it serve justice to have your silly ass thrown in the back of a police cruiser?
It is my understanding that the local hoosegow serves particularly tasty soup. Judging from the hour of your departure, I am sure you were lucky enough to arrive just in time to sample it for dinner. Well done, and thank you for the afternoon floor show.
A Grateful Citizen
[ 13. June 2015, 03:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
Dear Neighbour:
I am very impressed that you wear proper hearing protection while cutting tiles on your balcony. I wouldn't want you to damage your hearing at 6:30 am on a Sunday. I'm very glad I wasn't able to sleep through it; I think it's wonderful when neighbours get together and help each other out with these sorts of projects, even if it means giving up the one morning of the week I can sleep in. Everyone in the building is really looking forward to using your remodeled bathroom, since you generously included all of us in your project.
Love,
The other 56 households in your building
PS You'll want to get extra toilet paper
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Dear übermensch,*
i am sorry-- I keep forgetting that it is my primary function to support you, agree with you, cheer your successes, and to greet your ideas with awestruck joy. I keep forgetting and indulging in this silly, impetuous, feminine urge to offer ideas of my own. You have made it clear that such temerity is tiresome beyond words, and evidence of uppityness.
However, I applaud you graceful method of dealing with my rude insistance on inserting myself into conversations with Far More Important People-- by pretending I haven't said anything at all, waiting till a half hour or so has passed, and offering the exact same ideas as if nobody had said anything at all. That way, you can harvest whatever meager worth there might be from my silly ideas and use them to your benefit and prestige, without falling into the danger of reinforcing my terrible habit of articulating said ideas.
Big squishy hugs,
A Helpmeet.
* unfortunately, I have to call this one a form letter.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
Most Estimable Housemates,
The serendipitous nature of life with you -- that blend of creativity, shock, and scrambling for alternatives that has proved such a stimulating spur to consuming spare time and money which I might otherwise selfishly spend on my own needs -- has offered such tremendous insights into our respective characters.
It's so charming of you to offer 2 hours' notice that my child-minding services are not required this evening, and may perhaps, possibly-but-not- definitely, though you-never-can-tell, be uncalled-upon for the rest of the summer, particularly after I just returned home having spent my own money on vegetables your children actually recognize and are known to enjoy (since there's never any way to predict what, if anything, might be inside your refrigerator for their dinner), and which, without access to your kitchen for preparing their and my meal, I now have no way to cook.
It's especially amusing when I recall the kitchen arrangements you offered in tempting me to move in here -- 6 days of full access to a modern, well-equipped kitchen in which I could make use of all my own equipment, so long as I allowed you to take it over on Sundays.
Imagine my delighted surprise on moving in to discover every possible kitchen cupboard and drawer and nook and cranny (to say nothing of every inch of counter space) fully occupied with your own kitchenware, and that you were preparing to serve meat-based meals 3 times a day, 7 days a week, to your vegetarian roomer, who now makes all her meals with a hot-water pot and a toaster oven in her bathroom! It has been such an interesting challenge to maintain some semblance of health on the resulting diet!
The fact that your lifestyle has now resulted in the trashing of all 4 dishwashers, 2 of the 3 ovens, and that all 3 sinks are constantly full to the brim of dirty dishes, garbage, trash, and occasionally maggots certainly adds pizzazz to the general devil-may-care approach you have toward life.
This constant element of surprise is certainly keeping me on my toes, which I'm sure is your friendly intent, and I just want you to know how much fun I find living with these constant re-arrangements.
Yours in surprise,
Your tenant
[ 16. June 2015, 21:38: Message edited by: Porridge ]
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076
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Posted
Dear Blackhawks fans,
Congratulations on winning a thing. I gather you are very pleased about it. Though honestly with as many substances as you were already full of at 7am, I doubt some of you know what you are pleased about. Is that what the gear is about, to remind you what you're standing blocking in the middle of a busy crosswalk mooing about? Sorry about that aggressive jerk who elbowed you She was trying to catch a bus, and the light was about to change in that crosswalk you were blocking.
Congrats again,
Gwai
Dear Busdriver,
It must suck having your route changed on probably short notice because some sports people sportsed very well. Of course I guess you didn't know that your route had changed. Did you wonder why I stepped onto your northbound bus to ask you whether the southbound busses were still going down State street? Since you hadn't seen the insanity a few blocks south of you yet, my behavior may have seemed a bit odd. I'm guessing you were pretty confused since instead of answering you just drove away with me confusedly hanging on. I'm certainly glad you were rid of me so soon since you completely misinformed me on the route of your own bus! I do hope your passengers got to their destinations eventually.
Good luck,
Gwai
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A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.
Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear broadband/cableTV/telephone company. I do appreciate that you have a lot of work to do now that you have agreed to restore cable access to a neighbourhood where residents are forbidden to have aerials or satellite dishes after so many years, and that you needed to get the cable to the border of my property before the planned installation next week.
However, it would have been a good idea if you had a) let me know in advance when you were coming, and b) suggested to your staff that where there is a doorbell fitted it is probably a good idea to use it and not just fiddle with the letter box cover. You were very lucky that I was a) in and b) within earshot. You weren't to know that the only reason I wasn't out shopping was because I wasn't feeling very well, and the only reason I heard the tiny noise was because I had got up from my bed briefly for a cup of coffee. The doorbell, if used, is enough to waken the dead.
I am now feeling even less well after heaving things out of the way of the cable conduit through the garden, which turned out not to be necessary until next week.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear horse riders, just a note to let you know that I did see your gracious hand wave to acknowledge that we had driven so considerately behind you until you decided to pull off the road to let us go past. You may have wondered why I was so impolite as not to reciprocate.
That was because I had been following you as you walked your steeds slowly for a quarter of a mile, side by side down a single track lane, where there were at least six ample passing places you could have used to let us get by. I was not sure you actually knew we were there until the last few yards, when you did get into single file. As you may not be drivers, I should point out that we are not allowed to pass you when you wave us on unless we can be sure ourselves that road is clear, and where there is a 90 degree turn to the right, we can't do that. As riders, you must realise that we have to leave more room as we pass than there would be in that lane - we don't have the facility of Rowling's night bus of becoming thinner.
You may not have needed to be anywhere at any time, but other road users can do. So, no, I did not wave in friendly fashion. I was not feeling friendly.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Dear Tailgater,
I am driving a Seat Ibiza, not a Klingon Warbird with its invisibility cloak activated. You are actually following me, and not (as you obviously think) the car in front of me.
I apologise profusely for not being able to (a) levitate out of your way, or (b) automatically open my rear hatch so that you can come in and keep me company.
Could it be that you are in a hurry to get into your grave before it gets cold?
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Dear Supermarket Manager - It is truly delightful that you have decided that the school holidays are a good time to change the layout of your shop.
The courage of your staff in going ahead with the work even though the new signage had yet to arrive is amazing and only surpassed by the creativity of the placement of grocery items in unusual places, making today's shopping akin to a real life version of Where's Wally without the stripes.
The attitude of the staff when asked where items were (a shrug and "who knows?") only added a sense of mystery to the process.
A delighted and grateful shopper.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Neighbour's guests. I do hope you enjoyed what you were smoking last night. It was so helpful to have a reminder of its smell, which I had quite forgotten, it being such a long time since I met those nice people protesting about the multiplex planned for the Crystal Palace site. Unfortunately, it was such a long time ago that I have also forgotten where my incense sticks are, so I had to close my windows again.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear cable connecting dudes, I'd like to thank you for the job you did connecting my house to the node at the end of my garden, especially with the problems you had when the existing ducting I had carefully preserved wouldn't allow you to pass the fibre optic cable through it. I know you aren't gardeners, from the abandon with which you scattered cables over my plants, and the way you pulled up the bramble which was supposed to be rooting in a pot so I could give it to my niece, but surely you must have realised that a plastic bin full of water, with a lid on it, was meant to be full of water, and it wasn't in your remit to throw away my carefully collected rain water? I know it didn't look like a rainwater butt, and that it wasn't connected to a downpipe, but that is because there were no butts in the shops when I, like everyone else, suddenly realised we needed them, and I don't have a downpipe. I have to rig up a run of guttering on the side of the house, a job I wasn't thinking I had to do for a while. You could have asked. I, despite lacking your muscles, am perfectly capable of moving 80 litres of water out of the way without spilling. (I thought I had!) As I, a weak and feeble woman, am also capable of mending the duckboarding outside the back door, when I've bought some nails.
I'm not sure how you managed to fix the cable to the house, as I never saw you with any steps, but I genuinely would like to thank you for doing it without damaging the honeysuckle and the jasmine. Well done!
[ 10. July 2015, 08:40: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
Dear Exam Officer,
I am so sorry I underestimated your consequence and continued erroneously in the belief that it was part of your job to enter students for exams when you received requests, face to face, by phone and by e-mail. I really should have got the message when it took three attempts for a student to be entered for one exam with monthly entry dates, so I shouldn't have been disappointed to find that you failed to enter any students for any June exams.
Your importance is obviously so great, in the big scheme of your life and career, that exam scripts and coursework comprising a year's work for a student are immaterial. It was just a minor detail that you left your job and the company with two sets of exam scripts and coursework, one completely unbeknownst to you, in your bag. That student will be overjoyed that a year's work has been lost for two subjects. Of course they will resume working next academic year with renewed vigour and trust in their tutor.
I wish you all the best in your endeavours at your new job and hope that your employers will esteem you for your true worth.
Yours,
A defeated colleague
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Dear near neighbour,
Your introductions have come a little late in the day, but we have all been enjoying getting to know you through your various relatives, friends and assorted acquaintances.
The idea of becoming acquainted through sharing footwear across our back garden was novel. Equally charming has been the hope that we could all have a fabulous time together by casually strolling in and out of each other's gated front gardens. We do all genuinely appreciate the problem of rubbish collections but would be grateful if you could just remember replace the lids of other people's bins? Thank you so very much indeed Xx
We are all utterly thrilled to hear the charming trills of your youngster's song along our street and eleven o'clock at night is (as you say) an interesting time to contemplate such matters. Indeed, i wonder if La Traviata at seven am would be helpful?
Do get back to me, i am sure this could be arranged, gratis.
EA
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
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Posted
Dear distant colleague,
It is always such a pleasure working with you. Other people are in the habit of expressing their appreciation for my analytical skills and grappling with any questions that I raise, so it is always refreshing to have you convey that your views are inherently correct (by peppering sentences with words like "clearly" and "obvious") and give the impression that I am a complete idiot for not immediately agreeing with you.
I now recognise that your law degree is a true law degree, whereas mine was in fact a typing course in disguise.
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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
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Angel Wrestler
Ship's Hipster
# 13673
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Posted
I actually *did* write a passive-aggressive note and put it on the windshield of a Cadillac Escalade.
The circumstance: we live in an apartment complex and parking can be tight. Our complex has a nice pool and deck area and sometimes residents hold pool parties and cook-outs there. I don't mind those; they're tame and don't last into the night and no one is blaring music. However, when guests from outside come to the parties, they take up the paying peoples' spaces! In this place, most folks are driving older Toyotas and cars like that. Practical and inexpensive, so it's extremely unlikely that any resident would own an Escalade - and even so they'd walk to the pool party rather than drive.
The note I left (I'm not sure if it's a confession or a brag): "Can I have your autograph? I'd love to have the autograph of someone who is important enough to take two spaces to park when they don't even live here." ... and I drove around to find someplace else to park.
I hate when people park straddling the parking space lines ... and I hate even more when I don't have a place to park where I fucking live.
[ 09. August 2015, 01:25: Message edited by: Angel Wrestler ]
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The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
(unknown)
Posts: 2767 | From: half-way up the ladder | Registered: May 2008
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear biscuit manufacturers, it is so encouraging to find that you regularly review your products to see if they can be improved, and, should you come to the conclusion that they can, you take steps to do so, announcing the change with the flash "New Recipe". However, when you have had a product selling on the way that it is coated with a layer of coffee icing (or glaze as you describe it) a few mm thick, and which has been two bite sized, it seems an odd improvement to change it to a product which gives the impression of ingesting a baked version of an SD card slightly coated with a faint taste of coffee. I'm not sure in which world this would be regarded as an improvement, but I am afraid you have lost a customer in this one.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
To the NZ Deerstalkers.
It was really kind of you to use your skills to help the Department of Conservation cull the pukeko from an island sanctuary so that the rare and endangered takahe can thrive there. It is critical that this be done as pukeko are numerous and compete with the takahe for food. As the birds have similar colouring the idea was to shoot them in the air as pukeko can fly, whereas takehe can't.
Thank you too for the apology you tendered to the Department of Conservation and NZ bird lovers for the 6 Takahe that you shot. I guess the safety message about identifying your target before it is one you need to do a bit of work on. And no thanks, we don't want you anywhere near kakapo or kiwi.
Huia ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.
So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. (There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun.)
So I recruited a fellow neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, A BUNK BED
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Soror Magna
Shipmate
# 9881
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Posted
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.
So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun - too easy! - AND several bags of garbage too, as the dumpster was full.
So I recruited a neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, the frame of A FUCKING BUNK BED and a set of luggage. (No body. That's a relief.) And then we were able to put the garbage where it belonged.
So, dear neighbour, thanks for the unique experience. Now there's space for everybody else's garbage in the dumpster and you get to look at your junk on your way out of the parkade tomorrow morning and be reminded that you are a worthless irresponsible lazy piece of shit.
ETA: ARGH. I'm so infuriated I screwed up my post.
[ 26. August 2015, 02:35: Message edited by: Soror Magna ]
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"You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy and mean." -- Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
Posts: 5430 | From: Caprica City | Registered: Jul 2005
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear cable company. Since you took over my phone service, the caller display, for which I am paying, has only worked for half the time. I am very grateful for the rapid way you have sought to restore it each time, and especially for the way your engineer came last week to apologise. She explained that it was your software suppliers and the matter was being pursued.
After she left, I collated all the dates at which it went off and returned, and noticed a pattern, which enabled me to predict that it would be off again today. (I did have a thought that it might have been the heavy rain, but further checking reveals that it cannot be that.) It goes off every alternate Wednesday. (I cannot be entirely sure about the fortnight I was away, but it is suspicious that I have no records of missed calls for that period.)
So, today, having sadly found my prediction to have been fulfilled, and armed with my dates list, I rang your call centre, and for the first time, I am not so pleased with your response. Once again, I am going to have to stay in awaiting an engineer, merely to check if whatever they have done up at the box has worked. I suspect it would work if all they did was to kick it and say Ouch, because it always comes back on a week after it goes off. I appreciate that your centre staff may not have access to the whole sequence of events in a way that makes the pattern clear, but I would appreciate it more if you would accept that I was trying to give you some useful information. At the very least, you could have someone ready at the box to put it back on as soon as it goes off. Every alternate Wednesday at noon should do it.
[ 26. August 2015, 14:00: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Royal Mail, I am so pleased that you made a very prompt delivery of her birthday gift to my niece in South Wales. It is so good when First Class really lives up to its name, and she was very pleased with the hand turned wooden box I had brought from the Faroes. Sadly, her sister in South London has not received her very similar gift, which I could, of course, have delivered myself, but entrusted to you at the same time as the Welsh gift, also first class.
I do have a certificate of postage for each item, but I am now told by the outpost of the Post Office where I handed them in that they can do nothing to investigate that matter, and I should have used Special Delivery with a tracking number.
No I shouldn't. First Class Delivery should mean that things are delivered, next day, not left still undelivered 20 days later.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Dear valued private sector partner,
We are grateful that it only took you four days to arrange our extremely urgent assessment, that you originally told us you could do within 24hrs. We were so relieved to hear, when you arrived at 5:45pm for your 3pm appointment, that it was only because you set off at 3:15 that you were delayed - rather than by the labyrinthine roadworks or horrific car crash we feared when we heard nothing.
We are entirely confident that the feedback on the outcome of the assessment by 5pm tomorrow will materialise.
Yours patiently,
Some NHS staff with 9-5 contracts
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Dear bankers at a very small branch of a humungous US bank:
Thank you for so effectively distracting me from the anxiety of looking after my failing, elderly father. Instead of worrying about my dad's pain and his total lack of appetite, I turned my attention for hours at a time to trying to figure out what hoop you would send me through next in my quest to be able to write checks in order to pay his bills from a trust account of which he is the trustor. I did quite understand the safe guards in place to keep evil, grasping relatives from emptying his account. So he and I went to a lawyer several months ago to find out how to prepare for the day when he would need help managing his financial responsibilities. Lo and behold he shortly needed that help. My help. But no go.
After our lawyer talked to your branch manager and someone at corporate, finally you said that the trust needed to be amended to make me a trustee. Fine. So be it.
So the lawyer wrote up the document; we got it signed and notarized at my dad's rehab bed, and brought a copy to your bank.
Uh uh. You needed the original. I went to the lawyer and picked up the original and brought it in. A different banker examined the signed, notarized half-page document. Gotta call the corporate legal department, he said. I waited while he slowly got through. The answer came down from on high: I still couldn't get on the account because the amendment doesn't say specifically that my father and I may act independently on the trust. So I could only get on the account if my dad arose from his hospital bed and came in with me.
Young Mr. D. G. gave me his card, sorry-but-that's-policy, have a nice day.
I passed the card to the lawyer who tried to talk to Mr. G. He won't return our lawyer's calls.
So I've had this fascinating second bit of drama in my life to help me while away the weeks. I hope that they enjoy the quiet visit tomorrow from my brother who has just arrived from overseas, a man who has had dealings with much bigger fish in much bigger bodies of water than your little back water pond.
Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
Lyda*Rose
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear scaffolders,
On three days now (excluding Sunday, which the contractor told you was not to be used) I have got up early (which has had knock on effects on my sleep pattern) to enable your access to my property. I have moved my car from the front, opened the gate at the back, and moved everything from near the house to positions elsewhere in the garden. I have uprooted and moved some of my mint from a place you might want to put a bracing structure. I have not been able to put out my washing, because of removing the rotary line from your route. I have locked all my normally inaccessible windows (not that I suspect you of evil, but scaffolding does rather alter the security status), and drawn curtains to preserve some privacy. All is ready for you.
Where are you?
[ 21. September 2015, 07:49: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Glazier,
I appreciate your fitting me in on a Saturday after lunch to finish the job of replacing the panels between my hall and the utility room, I really do. And you've made such a neat job of removing the original panels which the original owner had covered so peculiarly with wallpaper.
However, on finding that the originally ordered obscured Cotswold pattern glass I ordered on two occasions, and referred to last time you were here, mentioning that I did not want to see into the melange of freezer, washing machine and garden equipment, was to be substituted with plain glass, I did not appreciate your hopefully suggesting that it would let more light in.
Nor did I appreciate that you dashed off, leaving the hall carpet rolled back and the dustpan and brush in the middle of the floor, with the words "I'm off". An "I'm sorry" would have been appreciated, after all the delay there has been in the project.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
Nor did I appreciate that you dashed off, leaving the hall carpet rolled back and the dustpan and brush in the middle of the floor, with the words "I'm off". An "I'm sorry" would have been appreciated, after all the delay there has been in the project.
It all makes work for the working man to do ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
In this case, however, me - with of course, Flanders and Swann echoing in my mind. It's been a merry dance with him and the plumber for months. None of the others, though. And he has now left the place in a state where I could finish the job myself. If I haven't had him back by next weekend, I will. Buy the glass, some beading, a thing I can cut mitre corners in and some no-more-nails.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Macrina
Shipmate
# 8807
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Posted
Dear Flatmate,
I know that laws and tenancy regulations that bind the rest of us should be considered only a minor and temporary irritation to one such as yourself. I apologise unreservedly for assuming you had abided by the terms of your lease and informed our landlord that you were moving out.
I'm also extremely sorry for assuming you had commenced my tenancy legally and I know full well you didnt mean to make me ineligible to recieve back the bond that I paid you when I moved in. Of course given these completely unrealistic expectations on my part you should further accept my apology for contacting the landlord to get your bond back for you.
I appreciate you waking me up in a timely fashion from my night shift several hours before my alarm with your loud banging and crashing, it gave me time to watch a little of the cricket. I also wish to thank you for the chance to practice my conflict and de-escalation skills outside of a work setting when I came to talk to you about the awful errors I had made as outlined above. I did appreciate the fascinating demonstration of New Zealand varient primitive Anglo Saxon which you so kindly performed for me. Very culturally edifying! Finally I'd like to say it was lovely to hear your radio programme at full volume along with your private practice of further varient Anglo Saxon following the conclusion of our interaction.
Best wishes,
Bemused flattie
Posts: 535 | From: Christchurch, New Zealand | Registered: Nov 2004
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Macrina
Shipmate
# 8807
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Posted
Addendum to the above:
I would further like to express my appreciation for your fine efforts at superfluous door slamming earlier today. I am sure my colleagues and the patients I care for will be grateful that your endeavors to convey your emotional state via percussive force have left me tired and less able to care for them effectively.
Furthermore thankyou for so considerately disposing of the house phone in the bin. I know it's of no further use to you personally so I am glad you placed it in the appropriate waste receptacle.
Finally I am once again grateful that your refusal to pay the rent in a timely fashion despite your forceful assertion to the contrary on our previous interaction has demonstrated to be once again the virtues of sound financial planning.
Yours ever faithfully,
Bemused and laughing Flattie.
Posts: 535 | From: Christchurch, New Zealand | Registered: Nov 2004
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
To my blessed colleagues who had a deadline to meet on Monday.
I'm so glad that you decided to take your time over the work, kept submitting and then changing your minds. It wasn't at all awkward for the rest of us who rely on you. It's not as though we have our deadlines to meet.
Of course, had I known you would be 2 days late, I could have taken the time off (not least because I have not been able to take the legal minimum) but it was good of you to keep promising that everything would be fixed within the next couple of hours. My desk has a comfortable chair and it's fine to sit in it, twidddling my thumbs.
The fact that I will now have to work this weekend (with no prospect of overtime pay or time off in lieu) is no bother whatsoever. It's what I've come to expect from having the pleasure of working with you.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Dear Mr Cameron,
It is Holocaust Memorial Day, and you delivered a pretty speech on the subject, but do not quite seem to have inwardly digested the point, since you personally, and your government, have today indicated just how little you care for those at risk of demonisation.
There was the obvious "bunch of migrants" dig to enable you to divert attention from Mr Corbyn's question about Google, which has attracted some opprobrium, but also, as I am sure you realised, some supporters.
But less reported was the decision to appeal against the appeal court which found your "spare bedroom subsidy" arrangements outside the law, when it came to charging a woman for having a specially constructed safe room, and a pair of disabled grandparents for having a room for the equipment and overnight carer they need for their even more disabled teenage grandson. It was stated that there were many more in similar positions who would be affected by the judgement, but you wish to see them cast outside the protection they need from your greed. I presume, should the higher court support the lower court's findings, you will seek to alter the law again, so you can continue to treat such people as outcasts.
Shame on you.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Dear übermensch,*
i am sorry-- I keep forgetting that it is my primary function to support you, agree with you, cheer your successes, and to greet your ideas with awestruck joy. I keep forgetting and indulging in this silly, impetuous, feminine urge to offer ideas of my own. You have made it clear that such temerity is tiresome beyond words, and evidence of uppityness.
However, I applaud you graceful method of dealing with my rude insistance on inserting myself into conversations with Far More Important People-- by pretending I haven't said anything at all, waiting till a half hour or so has passed, and offering the exact same ideas as if nobody had said anything at all. That way, you can harvest whatever meager worth there might be from my silly ideas and use them to your benefit and prestige, without falling into the danger of reinforcing my terrible habit of articulating said ideas.
Big squishy hugs,
A Helpmeet.
* unfortunately, I have to call this one a form letter.
(Cranks mimeograph.)
Told you it was a form letter.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Graven Image
Shipmate
# 8755
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Posted
Dear Utility Company, My friend along with 150 others lot their home in a fire in Sept. of last year. Along with the homes that burned the utility polls and all power was lost. My friend has just now been able to move on her property and is living in a trailer while her home is rebuilt. When she called to have her power restored you said, " No not until you pay past due utility bill for the last 5 months." Never mind that it took you a goodly long time to restore poles and lines and at this point there is no line to the house, because there is no house. Said friend has spent the last two days trying to get service. This family has been though enough they do not need this silly behavior.
Posts: 2641 | From: Third planet from the sun. USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
To my dearest and oldest friend,
I must congratulate you on your graduation from the Ken Ham school of hermeneutics. Your ability to overlook metaphor and ignore hyperbole (especially of the ironic kind) is a skill to be most admired. The kicks from your knee-jerk reactions are especially well-honed; the touch of venom you add to the toe is a nice touch too.
I wish you well in your future endeavours of seizing upon any opportunity to jump down the throats of those you despise, whether there be just cause, but even more so when there is not.
I also hear a rumour that you have planted the seeds of a humour tree. For your sake, I hope it bears fruit sometime within the next few years.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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beatmenace
Shipmate
# 16955
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Posted
Dear Landlord.
Congratulation's on your recently acquired love of ABBA. I can tell you like them so much because you continually crank up the same five songs on endless repeat.
I particularly appreciate that you have done your best to help the rest of us enjoy this fine Swedish artistry , by going out overnight and leaving the five songs repeating at full volume.
As you live in the flat below me and are obviously not in and its now 2 am, I have taken the liberty of descending into the cellar and turning off your electrical power.
Its much more peaceful now and I hope you can still enjoy the contents of your Freezer in the morning.
P.S we have a mop and bucket you can borrow.
P.P.S I apologise if you are in fact dead.
Beatmenace and Mrs Beatmenace
(this did actually happen and we were not evicted).
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"I'm the village idiot , aspiring to great things." (The Icicle Works)
Posts: 297 | From: Whitley Bay | Registered: Feb 2012
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
Dear twat in Audi,
It's always a pleasure to see the most ancient traditions of Audi driving being upheld. Your overtake in Eckington this morning was right out of the Audi text book - on a left hand bend, fast and missing my handlebars by about six inches.
Please don't hesitate to fuck right off to Hell and beyond.
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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