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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Anthropologist from Hell
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Ronja
Shipmate
# 4693
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Posted
Mmm, hot tea! Heaven really is pleasant. Hell wasn't more than lukewarm when I passed through and Purgatory offered some really exotic cuisine, but the snoring from some of the longer threads quite ruined the athmosphere. The music in the Circus is enough to drive anyone crazy and I couldn't get reliable directions to either Mystery Worshipper or Small Fire.
Perhaps I should stay here for a while. Seems peaceful enough at the moment.
Posts: 742 | From: Up North | Registered: Jul 2003
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
After snacking on a newbie who had begged me to be put him out of his misery, I have spent the night hunting and skinning a bunny. In the event that the intruder attacks, I believe the momentary confusion of having a dead animal, particularly one that bears a resemblance to a shipmate he enjoys leering at, will distract him for long enough for me to run away. (sorry, Kelly, but it’s an emergency)
saysay conceals the dead bunny in a meadow near his camp, then goes for a walk in the woods. She thought, for a while, that he was following her at a distance, but she seems to have lost him during the night. She is not sure if he needs sleep. She takes a quick nap. Upon awakening, she skips into the meadow.
RooK? she twirls her hair, as she has learned that this makes her appear less threatening. Do you wanna come out and play?
She hears a rustling in the woods but gets no response.
Listen, RooK, it’s OK. I understand. You’re afraid that we won’t love you for who you are. I know that fear. I understand. But up here we try really hard to get along. I’m sure if you just told us something about yourself, we could find some common ground.
More rustling. She is sure he is out there (of course, she is often wrong).
I know you’ve probably been rejected many times, by many different people, and that really, you just want to be loved. But there are people here who can commiserate. If you just gave us a chance, I think you’d find that we’re not nearly as horrible as you think.
She decides to sit down, even though this makes her more vulnerable.
I know it’s hard to trust. I’m involved in a relationship with an atheistic Jewish optical engineer (well, he’s as atheistic as you can be when you’re raised on the Force and Sandman ). Just last week he compared me to a Macintosh computer, saying that I was all pretty pictures, cute noises, and antiestablishment and stuff. “Sweetie,” I had to say, “this is why none of your relationships with other people last more than two weeks. Some people compare women with a summer’s day. You compare them to operating systems.”
Still no movement. saysay takes out a lighter, it being the only vaguely mechanical thing on hand, and starts rolling it along the ground.
We have toys here. They are simply toys, but fun. See? It makes a great noise and it sparks.
She stands up and wipes the dirt off her behind.
I know you’re out there. And I know you care more than you let on. Why else would you be here? C’mon out.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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Amazing Grace*
Shipmate
# 4754
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Posted
Well, as I for one have given up reading the Hell board for Lent, I welcome the Anthropologist to these shores with glad cries and some really nice chocolate.
Charlotte
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.sig on vacation
Posts: 2594 | From: Sittin' by the dock of the [SF] bay | Registered: Jul 2003
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
The jedi walks silently through the heavenly realm, circling the area the chess piece seems to have taken as a sanctuary. Except for the gentle lowing of a bovine creature, all is quiet.
It is the jedi's intent that the area remains that way.
I sense much fear in the rook creature. Does he not understand the danger of falling to the dark side?
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 3 - 17:00
Encounters with Tortuf continue. Either the fishing around here is really good, or he's hitting on me. One of us is bound to be disappointed.
Remote sensors reported a hot babe dropping off sulphur and supplies at base camp. Must remember to return to base camp cautiously. Sarky isn't someone to surprise, unless you like being stabbed or beaten. Now that I think about it, I've never had much opportunity to talk with any of her boyfriends...
That damn Jedi is out there; I can feel it. I do hope that Sarky resists being confrontational. I fear suffering through some more chintz. Gah. I see paisley just thinking about it. Doesn't she realize the danger of horribly mismatched decoration?
Exciting development: I think the native I've shadowing is attempting communication! It appears to speak a mildly offensive religious dialect of psycho-babblese. Perhaps Sarky might be more adept at translation? Not wanting to lose this rare opportunity, however, will endeavour to tell the small female that I won't kill it immediately, and that I am hoping to learn about its culture. Translated into pidgin psycho-babblese, that should be something like:
"Hello fellow worthwhile being. I feel that you might be intimidated by my strangeness and various differences from yourself, but I want to assure you that there is no need to give into these primitive fears - even though they are perfectly normal and are nothing to be ashamed of. Would you please be so kind as to help me understand how you feel about yourself, and your personal relationships with others that you know? Did your mother beat you?"
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
[*boink*] ...the silvery disk snaps back into local space-time.
The subspace interference on the base frequency turned out to be a minor ritual lambasting of a fourth level Purgatoid. Although it initially showed promise as a sacrificial blood-letting, it was mysteriously canceled by a Styxian Overlord; presumably for clumsy liturgy and identity exposure.
Resuming defensive observational position 1,500m alt.
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Sarkycow wanders round from behind the tent, where she was lurking to watch the Jedi Mistress.
Hmmm, I remember her from last time. She tried to redecorate Hell. And she set up a cattery. Damn woman. I must try and keep the peace there. All we're really doing is watching and recording what the natives get up to up here - it's not like we'll be doing any real harm... ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
Though if she starts waving that lightsabre at me, the fork might accidentally fall through her heart.
Sarkycow grabs a sharpening iron, and begins working on her fork tines. In a short while, she'll take a walk through the forest, and see what's out there.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
The aurascope indicates a local lifeform equipped with advanced weaponry! It's metaclorian count is off the scale! This may indicate possible experience with bloodletting.
If the Reverend Cow can convince the bold creature to put aside it's butterfly net and energy-tube, perhaps she'll find a useful specimen to interrogate.
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Bunny hears some commotion in the woods and heads that direction,hoping that there will be beer and weenie roasts involved.
She stops as she spots a shred of fur on the path. She stoops to inspect it
It looks familiar.
Its..its..
"UNCLE FRED!!"
![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
(swinging axe wildly)
"Curse whatever foul man or beast has devoured my kin! I hope he gives you indigestion, you fiend!"
Her grief spent, Bunny tosses the skin aside. Was bound to happen sooner or later. Guy had a habit of getting a drunk-on and chatting up coyotes.
[ 13. February 2005, 16:32: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 4
Native appears transfixed, and despite a long day and night of attempting communication with a combination of pidgin-speak, diagrams, and gestures, no real headway has been made. It's possible that the native might either be capable of sleeping with its eyes open, or it's thinking really really slowly. Perhaps both, simultaneously.
Side note: have discovered that some of the plants here may be sentient. I noticed their seeming annoyance when I ripped off some of their leaves for use as makeshift TP. Perhaps these may be extremely sedentiary animals that have undergone convergent evolution with plants, or they may be plants that have evolved some need for minor problem-solving capabilities. Either way, they represent an extremely exciting discovery, for they are remarkably soft and absorbant.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
saysay claps her hands and jumps up and down when RooK comes out to play. Her initial excitement wanes, however, when it becomes clear that RooK is one of those intelligent Yankee boys who doesn’t stop speaking long enough for anyone to get a word in edgewise. She does what she usually does in these situations – she stares at him and pretends that she’s listening, while she’s actually mentally rearranging her living room and thinking about what she’s going to have for dinner. Boys have such fragile egos, and she hates to damage them unnecessarily. As evening approaches, it becomes clear that his stamina is greater than most people’s. She has been known, in these kinds of desperate situations, to solve the problem by sticking something, such as her hand, across the boy’s mouth. Given the creature’s fangs, this does not seem like a wise option, and she does not want to waste the bunny, lest it become necessary later.
Oh good grief! she finally says, stamping her foot. Enough already.
You want to know how I feel about the other natives hereabouts? I like them. They make me laugh .
Do you know what it means to like someone or something? Do you know what laughter is, you poor little creature?
And no, my mother didn’t beat me, although she did occasionally twist my arm behind my back to make me stay in the corner when I wouldn’t. Mostly, though, she subjected me to long and torturous conversations about why I was acting the way I was acting. Do you know what a conversation is, or do you always just go on and on like everyone else is supposed to care about what you think just because your IQ is two points higher than the average person's?
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
The chess piece seems to spend a lot of time writing and looking at the bottoms of its shoes. Oh, and its sanitary habits are most unusual. I wonder, would it prefer to know where the sanitary facilities are, or would a cat box be more to its taste? I must be wary. Even though it seems harmless enough, I fear the creature has fallen farther to the dark side than I first thought.
The jedi turns to observe the interesting bovine creature which has turned to watch her in turn.
How interesting. A fork? One would think that she might fear the instrument by which many of its fellow creatures have been consumed. Perhaps she thinks that it might be of some use against the antique space ship which seems to be hovering above this area.
The jedi walks silently to check on the native bunnies and cats and others, remembering that they prefer to live in peace in this heavenly land.
Note to self: no more attemps to transplant the creatures of this land to other less hospitable lands should be made. They complained loudly about the general uncleanliness and unpleasant smell. Oh, and someone actually thought that the pattern of the chintz was paisley . How can one confuse florals with paisley??
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 4 - later that day
The native has appeared to awaken with a spasmodic twitch. Possible later testing should include investigating congenital proclivity for seizures.
It may be prudent to transmit a recording of the interaction to Sarky for her opinion on some specifics, but I think I understand enough to proceed. Other than some phraseology that would indicate sexist tendencies and confusion about my origin, the little native female primarily seemed eager to demonstrate her appreciation for her tribe and its customs.
She invoked a chest-thumping behaviour that one might suspect as being out of place in this land, but again agrees convenietly with Darth Nightlamp's theory of their sublimated hypocrisy. Additionally, she appeared to recognize and acknowledge my vast intellectual superiority and made the somewhat sophisticated response of being hostile about the fact. It is possible that I have inadvertently found an oddly aggressive native, or it may merely be a periodic phenomenon.
For convenience of reference, I'll designate this individual "bitchy native", and have irradiated her with a tracking and identification marker. Hopefully I can learn some more from bitchy native, or use my charms to persuade her to take me to her leader.
Addendum: Jedi still lingering. Clearly it is either watching me and Sarky for security reasons, or it's attracted to bastards like most girls are.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
I see now why the anthropologist had to venture so far from his native home -- his ego has obviously grown too large to be contained in one stratosphere.
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
To: Callan (Special Circumstances Agent)
From: RuthW, Mistress of the Mysteries and Keeper of the Holy Stones
cc: Alan Cresswell, Supreme Wizard and Adminiphim Liason; Duo Seraphim, 7th Level Sage and Most High Defender of Topic Purity
My dear sir,
I regret the need to press you on the matter, but the necessity of containing the entity known as RooK and mending the breach in the time-fora continuum grows urgent. There are as we speak no fewer than two threads on The Lord of the Rings on the sacred slopes of Mount Purgatory, and the discussion of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll continues unabated. While a certain amount of light-heartedness may be tolerable in Purgatory, I fear the consequences if the trend is not stopped.
How soon may we expect the RooK to be captured and returned to its native habitat? Do you require assistance? Will the interminable thread on ecclesiology be strong enough to bring down the RooK, or do you need to be resupplied with a discussion of the filioque?
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
How soon may we expect the RooK to be captured and returned to its native habitat? Do you require assistance? Will the interminable thread on ecclesiology be strong enough to bring down the RooK, or do you need to be resupplied with a discussion of the filioque?
Have you considered laying a trail of Hair Club gift certificates leading to a cage baited with the latest issue of Hot Rod Magazine? That should do the trick.
[ 14. February 2005, 10:24: Message edited by: Sine Nomine ]
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
the pilgrim wanders in again, and noticing snowgoose, accepts a cup of tea and a cake, nodding politely in thanks.
the pilgrim wanders off again, sipping tea and nibbling cake.
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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
Aw, RooK, sweetie, come back. I was just playing.
As she watches the intruder wander back to his camp, saysay remembers a coworker, C, from one of the jobs she held in college. One day, as she worked on the computer, C took a pin and repeatedly jabbed it in her arm. She ignored it for a while, and then, when it became annoying, said “would you quit doing that? Is there a reason you’re poking me?”
“You’re just so funny,” C said, “’Cause you don’t do anything.” After a brief pause, C began poking her again, which resulted in a heated, profanity-laden exchange. “You’re so cute when you’re mad,” C said as he pinched her chipmunk cheek.
“OK, so I’m funny when I ignore it, and I’m cute when I’m mad. Is there actually anything I can do to get you to stop trying to hurt me?”
“No.” At which point, saysay picked up one of the water noodles provided by their boss so the student workers could release their aggression without hurting each other and proceeded to beat him until she got tired.
RooK, I’m sorry if I was mean to you. I was just trying to talk to you in a language you might understand. Your ways are strange and all that.
saysay watches RooK stumble blindly around. Since, after five days, he still seems unaware that others possess any sort of sentience, she knows that teaching him the ways of Heaven – where the acceptability of a post is often determined by the intention of the poster – will be an impossible task. Trusting the Jedi to keep him confined, she skips off in search of Callan.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Having scanned the landscape, and seen the Jedi Mistress glide westwards, Sarkycow decides it would be prudent to begin her explorations eastwards. Accordingly, she heads east, through the trees.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Ronja
Shipmate
# 4693
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Posted
This is a nice teaparty, but there is an inordinate amount of coming and going. What about peacefulness? I knew I should have packed the flamethrower. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Starts rummaging through backpack in search of a peacemaking device.
Posts: 742 | From: Up North | Registered: Jul 2003
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 5 - noon
And now I understand why they call this realm "Heaven". Have encountered the most lovely creature, clad in the purest shimmering samite. It floated over to me, punctured my stabilizing ego bladder, and disappeared. (Note: must avoid diving too deep into any Pyx_e threads until ego heals.) It's clear that this being must be revered as a goddess by the natives.
Unfortunately, while I was distracted by the Heavenly Goddess, bitchy native wandered off. I may have missed some cultural cue, or failed to assure her that she was not fat, or perhaps she was intimidated by the presence of the Heavenly Goddess. Regardless, I seem to have missed any chance to use bitchy native as a guide.
My instinctive fear of being stabbed is steadily fading, which must mean that Sarky is moving off eastward. To maximize our cooperative exploration, and minimize my chances of pissing her off, I'll head west...
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
saysay's quest to find Callan and request further orders was cut short when she stumbled upon a toy store. After a few hours of playing, she decides that maybe the intruder would feel better if the natives treated him like a native, instead of a hostile. She returns to the camp.
RooK, are you there? I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I brought you a present.
He's ugly and pathetic, just like you, but adorable in his own way. You know, G-d loves you the way that we love the ugly dolls.
I'll just leave him right here for you. I understand if it's hard for you to accept gifts from others, so I won't be offended if you don't take him home with you.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
Moving in a generally westward direction, the jedi senses that the heavenly citizens are aware of the visitors, but not unduly alarmed. Some, in fact, are attempting communication...and...bribery? Yet...the cold fingers of the dark side appear to creep closer to the jedi's back...
The chess piece has left its sanctuary. Does it come in peace, or will I be called on to defend my fellows?
The jedi turns, lightsaber in hand, but un-lit, prepared to meet the RooK, should it decide to show itself.
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
Perhaps his big head is actually hiding a big brain, after all. I'd never heard of samite, not being up on my medieval fabric and all that. So I Googled and found this little ditty about Morgan Le Fey.
All in all, I think an encounter with samite would suit him better than one with tat.
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
Note to self:
The Hell base camp is a mess of empty beer cans (Mostly Canada Blue) and empty pork and bean cans. There are burnt spots here and there. I see the remains of some hosenpheffer by the fire.
I have activated the airborne drones to track the Hellish fiends, err . . . friends, who appear to be headed in opposite directions. It has occurred to me to tell them that Heaven is an exceptionally small place. They are bound to run into one another pretty soon now. I have dispatched the drones for precisely that reason. I will either prevent some needless bloodshed, or I will be able to sell the videotapes.
I can sense the recent presence of a member of another protector race. She, it was a she, seems to have not degenerated as much as my crowd. Must remember to not be seen by her. She will probably ask some embarrassing questions. I think all the bodies are sufficiently well hidden, but you never know. The bribes that work so well with Hellhosts seems to not interest her kind.
I have rifled through Rooks wallet. Careless of him to have left it here. I'll just take it to keep it safe. With any luck, he won't report the credit cards stolen for a few days.
Lots of these Heaven creatures around. Best to give them a few rounds from my 45 just to be safe. Tends to keep them at bay.
I wonder if the copy of Bede's Ecclesiastical History of England I left out to tempt the Purgatoids has worked.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Note to self:
The Hell base camp is a mess of empty beer cans (Mostly Canada Blue) and empty pork and bean cans. There are burnt spots here and there. I see the remains of some hosenpheffer by the fire.
One should start to question whether this camp is inhabited by the person known as RooK. One has to remember that RooK comes from the Land of the Lotus in the Great White North. His education climaxed at the seat of all Power and Patronage on the Holy Island reached only by Fairy (or was that Ferry?).
Apples don't fall far from the tree, even in Hell. Therefore, one must examine all the evidence in a scientific manner to see if this messy camp could be one for a person from Lotus Land.
Was this label of the Canadian blue beer that you found in the camp? This is a libation favoured (note spelling) by many from Lotus Land—and is sometimes found in places south of Lotus Land.
quote:
I wonder if the copy of Bede's Ecclesiastical History of England I left out to tempt the Purgatoids has worked.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 6 - noon
Distracted by the perimeter sensors back at base camp showing the return of bitchy native, and a fleeting appearance by the Heavenly Goddess, not to mention being distracted by the Jedi... I appear to have accidentally stumbled into some sort of viscous quicksand. The expedition sank considerably before I managed to levitate out.
Upon closer inspection, it appears as though the entire landscape is of a variable consistency. While the terrain seems firm enough while the natives or visitors pay attention to it, if their attenion wanders everything starts to sink down.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
The creature (or perhaps I should call it the Scientist, since it seems to be attempting, in its clumsy way, to investigate its environment) had a near escape from one of the quicksands in the Deconstruction Zone. I suppose I should have given it a more explicit warning, but it shows no sign of having any listening skills to speak of--it seems to think it already knows everything that matters. I have observed several other beings that have recently appeared in the neighborhood that exhibit similar behavioral characteristics, though physically they are quite different. All, however, seem cognitively adapted to a much harder and hotter environment. Perhaps I will try to interview the Scientist and discover his motivations, perhaps even achieve some mutual understanding of our respective realities.
I will observe him from a distance a while longer, just to make sure he isn't really dangerous.
[ 15. February 2005, 21:41: Message edited by: Timothy the Obscure ]
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
saysay watches as RooK almost drowns in quicksand, then destroys some of the Deconstruction Zone while trying to extricate himself. She was afraid of this. The damage can be repaired easily enough, but RooK cannot last long here. Creatures who are used to ordering the world through logic often flounder when a little postmodern relativity is introduced, since they lack the ability to sense its rhythm. Although she suspects he won't understand the hint, she starts to sing:
Tests have shown
That suspicious or hostile
Their lives need not be shortened
Truth be told, they can live a long, long while
Tickled to death by their importance
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Mental state:
On observation, appearance of newcomer is dishevelled. Wearing strangely chosen and illmatching items; also wearing sunglasses indoors. Note smell of stale alcohol. Also unusual smell??sulphur.
Appears to be responding to auditory hallucinations. Rapport difficult to maintain and eye contact poor. Note also unusual ? compulsive note taking behaviour - producing multiple pages of meaningless squiggles to which he attaches great significance. Also humming sixties tune to self.
Mood is variable. Admits to irritability. Mood subjectively low. Says he feels lost and out of place. Does not admit to frank suicidal ideation however.
Appears to entertain complex delusional system regarding goddess and Hell. Also mumbling about aliens. Says he is an important scientist. Exhibiting grandiose delusions regarding own importance.
Cognition not formally tested. Subject appears distractible and irritable currently; formal testing could be carried out at a later date.
Impression: would recommend admission for further oservation and detailed assessment. Suggest urine drug screen to exclude intoxication with ilicit substances. Would need prn benzodiazepine script in case of alcohol withdrawal which has not been excluded at this assessment.
Does not appear to be at major risk to self or others though, so compulsory committal not warranted at this stage. However trial of medication strongly recommended in view of the distress his abnormal beliefs appear to be causing him.
Has asked for repatriation, which we may be able to fund as a simple and practical solution to this gentleman's situation...
Can do fuller assessment and report on payment of standard fee...
[ 16. February 2005, 02:57: Message edited by: welsh dragon ]
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 6 - night
There was astonishment at remote sensors recording bitchy native uttering Sacred Words, clearly indicating a highly sophisticated culture. This means that earlier observations may need to be re-evaluated. Then in a particularly ironic sequence, one native seemed to suggest that I should strengthen the Heavenly breed by donating genetic material, then another creepily described my second date with my current nurse, -er, girlfriend.
Now that I've seen the Heavenly Goddess, the rest of this strange land seems dull and pointless in comparison. Am contemplating faking some footage to sell to tabloids, and getting the Hell out of here. Also, have finished mapping portions that would be improved by paving, generally corresponding with the bits above sea level.
Medical note: have developed an unusual rash on butt. Closely resembles a Welsh minister. May require surgical removal.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Alfred E. Neuman
What? Me worry?
# 6855
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by welsh dragon:
Mental state:[...]
Impression: would recommend admission for further oservation and detailed assessment. Suggest urine drug screen to exclude intoxication with ilicit substances.
Goto sub12; intiate extraction routine; burnout. Goto fluffyX; initiate level sterilization.
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--Formerly: Gort--
Posts: 12954 | Registered: May 2004
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
The jedi feels a subtle change in the force...the chess piece is...bored. She breathes a gentle sigh of relief.
It's a good thing the RooK creature wasn't having a thrilling-good time in the deconstruction zone quicksand Dizzy World ride. It apparently doesn't understand the nature of our fair land. Maybe it can hitch a ride with the rusty spacecraft back to its own environs soon.
The jedi spins, and with her lightsaber deflects a sterilization beam which has been emitted from the antique spaceship. As she wishes to not harm the craft or its occupant, she redirects the beam to a near miss a scant two feet in front of the beam emitter.
If he's going to play games, he should go to the Circus lands.
The jedi barely refrains from rolling her blue eyes...
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by saysay:
Just last week he compared me to a Macintosh computer, saying that I was all pretty pictures, cute noises, and antiestablishment and stuff. “Sweetie,” I had to say, “this is why none of your relationships with other people last more than two weeks. Some people compare women with a summer’s day. You compare them to operating systems.”
I suppose he could then...
say, "SaySay, what you want? But don't play games with my affection..."
David
ahr ahr ahr
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Callan
Shipmate
# 525
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Posted
Special Circumstances Agent Callan, to Ascended Master Ruth:
cc - Ascended Masters Alan and Duo.
My attempts to stun the creature have been thwarted by the large number of visitors entering his lair, preventing me from getting a clear shot. I agree that the matter is of some urgency and am concerned that the ecclesiology thread may not suffice to stun the creature.
I recommend exceptional measures. Someone will need to ask TonyK, Lord of the Crypt, if we can borrow the Death of Darwinism thread. That should do the trick nicely.
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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 9757 | From: Citizen of the World | Registered: Jun 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
DAY 8 - midday
It seems that I have exhausted the variety of passive observational methods that seem to be available for data gathering.
Time for Phase Two.
(Opens specially constructed storage container with a soft hiss of parting seals, reaches in an pulls out a small calico kitten.)
"Maio? Maio. Maaaio. Purrr purrr purr..."
(Rummages around in storage container some more.)
I appear to have misplaced my condiments.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ChastMastr:
I suppose he could then...
say, "SaySay, what you want? But don't play games with my affection..."
David
ahr ahr ahr
And I could then respond, "but, darling, if I didn't toy with your affections, how on earth would I entertain myself?"
You haven't been eavesdropping on our conversations, have you?
saysay watches as the defanged destroyer limps into the bay. He seems to have a strange affinity for water - which is to say he doesn't seem to hate the watery parts of Heaven quite as much as the rest of it. He appears to be thinking of leaving these realms. As she doubts he will clean up his own mess, she starts picking up empty beer cans.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
saysay notes with alarm that the intruders contact with the water seems to have drawn up repressed memories, which made him react with raw aggression.
Jedi! Help!
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by saysay:
And I could then respond, "but, darling, if I didn't toy with your affections, how on earth would I entertain myself?"
You haven't been eavesdropping on our conversations, have you?
No, just the "Hits of the 80s" hour on the radio. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
David
er, you see, in 1983 there was this song...
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Sarkycow has spent the last day wandering through the woods, and playing with fluffy animals - in the way a cat might play with a mouse, prior to eating it. She has now reached the edge of the clearing, and is looking out across the landscape, when she spies RooK.
"Hey, look what I found!"
She holds up her toasting fork, with seven small, fluffy creatures impaled on the tines. In response, RooK grins, and holds up the cat in one hand. His other hand is empty.
"Whatcha looking for?"
She quickly crosses the clearing, as he answers. She nods, thinks for a minute, then begins rummaging in her bag. After a quick search, she pulls something out and hands it to RooK.
"Think that'll do. Now we just need some fire."
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
A voice from the trees around the camp calls for Jedi Judy...
I'm sure she won't let small fluffy things get eaten.
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Eaten? Of course not. Don't be silly. Do we look like Kenwritez to you?
No, I use kittens purely for artistic purposes. I use them as interestingly-shaped brushes for my particular form of artwork that happen to use condiments as a medium. OK, it just so happens that all the really interesting shapes only happen when you fling the condiment-laden kitten really hard at the "artistic surface", and that coincidentally causes them to be temptingly tenderized...
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Hey, RooK, I didn't realise that you'd learnt their language!
I'm... almost impressed.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
To be fair, I still can't actually pronounce some of their sounds or mince properly - so I built a translator.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Smart man ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
But yeah, they do seem to walk funny. When they're walking, and not either flitting from tangent to tangent, or hopping/skipping across the stream of consciousness.
Judging by the reactions of the native inhabitants, I think we're seeing an entirely new society to that of the Great War. Even the leaders appear to have changed unusually. I wonder what could have caused this?
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
The discarded whoopee cushions and used french ticklers I've found littering the landscape during my sojourn suggest a possible answer. They've become... naughty.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
saysay notes that while the intruders seem to have gathered a number of fluffy things, they don't seem to be intent on hurting them. She puts down her water noodle, relieved that it doesn't look like she's going to have to get over her fear of forks on this particular day.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
The discarded whoopee cushions and used french ticklers I've found littering the landscape during my sojourn suggest a possible answer. They've become... naughty.
Is there any evidence that the residents of Heaven actually know how to use such material, other than objects d' arte?
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
The jedi walks swiftly to a clearing where a small, but artfully arranged fire burns. There, the bovine creature and the chess piece have captured several small furry citizens, and indeed, some of them are attached to the cow's strange fork. The calls for help are resounding through the forest. She recognizes saysay and sophs concerned cries.
I understand that you are very likely unaware of how polite society behaves here in our land, so allow me to offer you some instruction. The jedi grabs the furry animals from the fork...thank goodness they were impaled through the scruffs of their little necks and will heal fairly quickly...and removes the kitten from the RooK. These are not food or playthings. And I am not amused.
The force smacks the jedi across her head... Oh, you aren't intending to be nice? Nice, you know...agreeable, pleasing, uhh...friendly? Kind? No?
There aren't any more around like you, are there?
The jedi attempts to summon Callan through the force. Get Ruth, she'll know what to do.
I'm afraid I must escort you two...ummm...gentlebeings to your home. If I'm correct about your origins, I've been there before, and it's not exactly my choice of a favorite destination. (It does explain your attitudes toward furry beings, however.) <sigh> What we jedi must go through to keep the peace.
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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