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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: What is your favourite adult clean joke?
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
Two women were at work together.
Woman#1 says to Woman#2: "How in the world do you remain so cheerful in this horrible workplace?"
Woman#2 says, "I'll tell you a secret: Once in awhile during lunch hour, I go to my house and I make love with my husband. It is great! You should try that too."
One day soon after, Woman#2 notices Woman#1 missing during lunch hour. Suddenly, Woman#1 appears, ready to resume work and she is grinning from ear to ear.
Woman#2 says to her: "Ahhhh, I see you took my advice!"
Woman#1 says, "Oh yes! And by the way, your curtains are lovely."
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
Nice one CG ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
A Christian man dies , then finds himself in some kind of parallel universe type place . Low and behold there's a pub there .
So he goes in and starts talking to a happy looking man sat at the bar.
Being a newbie he was a bit nervous, so he asked the man sitting there what this being dead business was like.
"It's magic mate", says the man. Then, drawing in closer, he continues , "You won't believe this, but I'm either up on the golfing green or..." he whispers "...<having sex>".
"Well" replies the Christian man, "This all sounds pretty amazing".
"Although I have to say I never thought Heaven would have such an abundance of earthly pleasures on offer".
The other man says, "Oh, I'm not talking about Heaven . I was a life-long Buddhist, when I'm not here I'm reincarnated as a rabbit .
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
I'm not too sure the last two jokes count as 'clean'.
But wotthehell, 'adult' went by the board some time ago.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
Let's try and raise the tone a little then.
What is the definition of an Alto?
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A Soprano who can sight read.
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
A blonde gets on a plane flying from Hobart to Melbourne. Despite not having a business class ticket, the blonde sits in that section. The flight attendant asks her to please go to her own seat. "No. I'm blonde and beautiful and going to Melbourne". So the flight attendant goes to report to the Captain that the woman refuses to move. The navigator comes out of the cockpit and asks the woman to go to her proper seat."No. I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Melbourne". The navigator reports this to the Captain. The Captain says that he is married to a blonde, so can speak blonde. He goes to the woman and whispers in her ear. The woman immediately gets up and goes to her proper seat. Everyone cheers. The navigator asks what the Captain said. The Captain replies "I just told her that the business class passengers weren't going to Melbourne."
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119
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Posted
Sex, sexism, scatology, ethnic denigration - must be time for some religious sectarianism!
A man on a business trip to Ireland falls into conversation with the passenger beside him:
"And what takes you to Ireland?"
"I-I'm g-g-going for a j-j-j-job interview".
"What sort of a job?"
"R-r-radio a-a-announcer".
"Think you'll get it?"
"N-n-not really. They'll p-p-probably g-g-give it to a b-b-bloody Catholic".
Posts: 3355 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Cryptic
Shipmate
# 16917
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Posted
A man buys a new motorbike of which he is intensely proud. He goes over to his friend's house to show it off, and offers to take his friend for a ride on the pillion. His friend agrees and off they go. After a while, the rider turns around and says to his passenger "How are you going?". Passenger replies, "The your bike is fantastic, but I'm freezing back here in teh wind". The rider tells his friend to put his jacket on backwards so that the collar stops the wind blowing down his neck. They set off again, and all is well. A little later, the rider once again turns around to check that his friend is OK, and he is dismayed to see that he has fallen off. He does a U-turn and retraces his route, the rider soon find his friend, lying in the middle of the road surrounded by helpful bystanders. "How is he?" says the rider to one of the bystanders, who replies "He seemed OK until we tried to turn his head around the right way..."
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Illegitimi non carborundum
Posts: 225 | From: Sydney | Registered: Feb 2012
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
I heard Kaplan Corday's one as being set in South Wales - and the man was sure he would get the job, because he spoke Welsh.
Maybe you have to know South Wales to get that version...
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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cosmic dance
Shipmate
# 14025
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Posted
A prisoner who has been convicted of a crime, is escorted by a policeman back to court to hear his sentence pronounced.
The judge says to the prisoner "Have you anything to say before you are sentenced?"
"Bugger all, your Lordship" says the prisoner. The judge turns to the policeman "Eh, what was that? What did the prisoner say?" "He said bugger all, your Lordship" says the policeman.
"That's strange", says the judge. "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
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"No method, no teacher, no guru..." Van Morrison.
Posts: 233 | From: godzone | Registered: Aug 2008
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Another old lady joke ![[Smile]](smile.gif) they're a bit on my mind at the moment.
Two old ladies playing cards together one afternoon. They have been friends all their lives, upwards of 80 years. One of them suddenly realises she has forgotten her friend's name - after all this time she can't remember what her friend is called.
Mortified, she says 'I am more sorry than I can say, but I cannot for the life of me remember your name'.
Old lady number 2 is furious. 'we've been friends ALL THIS TIME and now you can't even remember my name - fine friend you are' and so on and so on.
Old lady number 1 by now is abject - 'Just please forgive me and tell me your name, you know I'm getting old and my memory is going'.
Old lady number 2 - 'Oh well all right, I suppose so'
Pause.
'When do you need to know by?'
Mrs. S, in full sympathy ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Bob Two-Owls
Shipmate
# 9680
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Posted
The Food Standards Agency have retracted their claim to have found traces of zebra in supermarket beefburgers after someone pointed out exactly what a barcode is.
Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
A dumb blonde went into the beauty parlor to get her hair done, but she wouldn't take off her headphones. "Oh, no, I can't." she said. "If I take them off, I'll die!"
"Oh, surely that can't be right," the beautician replied. "Here, let me help you with those." Whereupon the beautician removed the dumb blonde's headphones. Immediately she began gasping for air, and in another minute she keeled over dead.
"My goodness, I wonder what she was hearing through those?" the beautician asked. So she put on the headphones and heard the following:
"Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . breathe in . . . breathe out . . ."
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing the jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because the box said "from 2 to 4 years."
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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Bene Gesserit
Shipmate
# 14718
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Posted
How many surrealists does it take to...
Apricots.
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Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Posts: 405 | From: Flatlands of the East | Registered: Apr 2009
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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356
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Posted
Man goes into a pub and says to the barman 'I'll h-h-have a p-p-int of b-b-bitter, p-please'
'C-c-certainly s-sir' says the barman 'P-p-pint of b-b-bitter, c-coming r-right up.'
So the man's drinking his pint by the bar and a another man comes in, a big puce-faced posh chap. 'Barman!' says the posh chap in a very clipped voice, 'A large whisky and soda, please!'
'Certainly sir!' replies the barman in an equally clipped voice, 'large whisky and soda, coming right up'.
Hearing this, the first man sees red, leans across the bar and grabs the barman by the collar. 'H-here!' he says, 'w-w-were you t-t-taking the p-p-piss out of m-me?'
'N-n-no!' replies the barman: 'I w-was t-t-taking the p-p-piss out of h-h-him!'
(I told that one to a speech therapist friend of mine. Good fun to see her face darkening as the joke progressed and then bursting into a peal of laughter at the punchline.)
Posts: 6498 | From: Y Sowth | Registered: Jan 2008
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Traveller
Shipmate
# 1943
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Posted
Angus is lying in bed, his breath coming ever more strenuously as his life moves steadily towards its end. His wife of many years sits at his bedside, knitting gently whilst watching over him.
“Florrie!” he whispers. “Florrie, I've something to tell you afore I go.”
“Aye, Angus, what might that be?” Florrie asks him.
“Florrie, I can't go without setting my mind at rest. I have tried to be a good husband to you, but I have to tell you that I had a dalliance with our next door neighbour, Maudie, last year.”
Florrie knits on serenely for a minute or two before she speaks.
“Aye, Angus, I know. That's why I've poisoned ye.”
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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33
Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001
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Kaplan Corday
Shipmate
# 16119
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Posted
A man bumps into an old school friend after many years, and discovers that he is a psychiatrist, so he says, “These days I sometimes wonder about my own sanity, so perhaps I should book myself in with you for a check-up”.
The psychiatrist replies, “I can do a quick elimination test here and now if you’ll just answer three questions. First, what is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does standing on three legs?”
“Shake hands?”
“Correct. Second, what, if your dog did it in your backyard and you stepped in it, might cause you to curse?”
“Dig a hole?”
“Right again. Finally, where is women’s hair the curliest?”
“Papua New Guinea?”
“Three out of three. Don’t worry. You’re perfectly normal. You wouldn’t believe some of the weird answers I get from other people”.
Posts: 3355 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by blackbeard:
I was told ...
How many tenors etc.?
Just the one. He hold the bulb up to the socket and the world revolves around him.
Or, oboe players ....?
Only one, but he needs a stock of 100 light bulbs to be sure of having just the right one.
When I heard it, it was about sopranos... I have been married to one for many years...
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Shapiro the tailor suffered from a long streak of bad business and was near bankruptcy. So he went to the synagogue and prayed: "Oh God, what can I do to improve my business?"
"Cut wide lapels!" boomed down a voice from the ceiling. So Shapiro rushed back to his tailor shop and cut a whole line of suits with wide lapels. No sooner had he displayed them in his window when a crowd formed and the entire line sold out in minutes. Shapiro could hardly count all the money that came in.
So he went back to the synagogue and prayed: "O God, I thank you for helping me in my time of need. To show my gratitude, I'd like to take you into partnership with me. I'm thinking of calling it God and Shapiro. What do you think?"
The voice boomed down: "Make it Lord and Tailor."
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Traveller
Shipmate
# 1943
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Posted
Continuing the musical thread:
Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion?
A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.
Q. Why is a viola better than a violin?
A. It burns for a longer time.
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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33
Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Shapiro the tailor suffered from a long streak of bad business and was near bankruptcy. So he went to the synagogue and prayed: "Oh God, what can I do to improve my business?"
"Cut wide lapels!" boomed down a voice from the ceiling. So Shapiro rushed back to his tailor shop and cut a whole line of suits with wide lapels. No sooner had he displayed them in his window when a crowd formed and the entire line sold out in minutes. Shapiro could hardly count all the money that came in.
So he went back to the synagogue and prayed: "O God, I thank you for helping me in my time of need. To show my gratitude, I'd like to take you into partnership with me. I'm thinking of calling it God and Shapiro. What do you think?"
The voice boomed down: "Make it Lord and Tailor."
I don't think that one works over here.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Cryptic
Shipmate
# 16917
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Posted
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
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Illegitimi non carborundum
Posts: 225 | From: Sydney | Registered: Feb 2012
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:<<snip>>"Make it Lord and Tailor."
I don't think that one works over here.
A thousand pardons. Lord and Taylor is a very chic department store. But now we're even for the joke about the orange that steals laundry.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Today's joke:
This is a re-telling of a popular one and is featured on page 166, with several starts and stops, in the Ship's Book Club thread on this board.
Location - English Channel, in the seventeenth century:
"The captain of the Naval frigate raises the telescope to his eye and he sees five pirate ships on the horizon, bearing down on him.
Bring me my red shirt, he says to his lieutenant.
Your red shirt?
Just do it, man!
Anyway, they engage the pirate ships and a fierce battle ensues. The captain's in the thick of it, fighting hand-to-hand, running pirates through, all over the place. Against terrible odds they capture all five of the pirate ships. When it's over and everyone is celebrating, the lieutenant asks the captain why he asked for his red shirt. The captain says it was so that if he was wounded the men wouldn't see the blood and wouldn't lost heart. Everyone cheers: What a hero our captain is.
A few days later they're patrolling in the Channel and another shout comes down from the crow's nest. The captain raises the telescope to his eye and this time he sees twenty pirate ships on the horizon, bearing down on them fast. The captain lowers his glass and turns to his lieutenant.
Lieutenant, he says.
Yes Captain?
Bring me my brown trousers.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Traveller:
Continuing the musical thread:
Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion?
A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.
Q. Why is a viola better than a violin?
A. It burns for a longer time.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a viola player?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Traveller
Shipmate
# 1943
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Posted
An old man lays in his bed, knowing his time is coming close. His wife has left his bedside for a while, going downstairs to the kitchen.
All of a sudden, he can smell his favourite biscuits (cookies to our American friends), his wife's specialities. His beloved wife must be making a batch of them especially for him – how wonderful.
He feels refreshed with this lovely smell, so much so that he struggles out of bed and downstairs. Opening the kitchen door, he sees a batch of these precious delicacies on the kitchen table, cooling and fresh from the oven, just at their best. He reaches out to take one....
His wife bats his hand away. “Leave them alone! They're for the wake!”
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I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live:
I will praise my God while I have my being.
Psalm 104 v.33
Posts: 1037 | From: Wherever the car has stopped at the moment! | Registered: Dec 2001
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
Did you hear about the blonde who ran away from her kids after she took aspirin?
The bottle said "Take 2 tablets" and "Keep away from children."
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
A thousand pardons. Lord and Taylor is a very chic department store.
Hmmm, founded 1826. Almost old enough to be respectable.
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Traveller: Continuing the musical thread: Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion? A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.
In a similar vein:
What's the difference between a church organist and an onion?
A: You cry when you stick a knife into an onion.
What's the difference between a church organist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
(Both told by a vicar)
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
What is it called when you toss a bagpipe in the exact center of a dumpster?
Perfect pitch.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Dogwalker
Shipmate
# 14135
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Posted
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
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If God had meant for us to fly, he wouldn't have given us the railways. - Unknown
Posts: 155 | From: Milford, MA, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
< Pardon to all blondes , love you really >
Dumb blonde out driving her sports one day , and down come a load of hail-stones the size of tennis balls.
She takes the motor, covered in dents, to the nearest garage and is greeted by a couple of not very 'new men' who decide they can have a bit of fun .
"Can you fix this ?" she asks . "Well Madame" says one of the men , "We think the best thing you can do is take your car home and blow as hard as you can into that pipe there", (pointing to the exhaust pipe).
"That is a guaranteed way of popping the dents out", says the other.
So the lady obediently goes home and does as the men had advised .
Needless to say this does nothing at all, except smudge the lipstick and put a black ring around her mouth . Disappointed she goes to see her friend, who is also a dumb blonde, and tells the whole sorry story.
Her friend takes one look at the car, and laughing merrily says, "Oh my Dearest, blowing in that pipe was never going to make the dents come out".
"Why's that ?" comes the reply".
"You didn't shut the windows first".
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Did you hear about the blonde who ran away from her kids after she took aspirin?
The bottle said "Take 2 tablets" and "Keep away from children."
This seems like excellent advice to anyone with a headache.
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Did you hear about the blonde who ran away from her kids after she took aspirin?
The bottle said "Take 2 tablets" and "Keep away from children."
This seems like excellent advice to anyone with a headache.
Reminds me of the old painkiller slogan. If you have a headache, then don't take anything. Because nothing works faster than A*****
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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GordonThePenguin
Shipmate
# 2106
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Posted
A man walks into an East German department store and says to the assistant 'Have you no men's shoes?'.
The assistant replies, 'No. Here we have no kitchenware. No men's shoes is on the second floor'.
Posts: 401 | From: Heidelberg | Registered: Jan 2002
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Yam-pk
Shipmate
# 12791
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by GordonThePenguin:
A man walks into an East German department store and says to the assistant 'Have you no men's shoes?'.
The assistant replies, 'No. Here we have no kitchenware. No men's shoes is on the second floor'.
Ah the joys of German grammar ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Posts: 472 | From: The Grim North | Registered: Jul 2007
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
quote:
Originally posted by Traveller: Continuing the musical thread: Q. What is the difference between a violin and an onion? A. Nobody cries if you cut up a violin.
In a similar vein:
What's the difference between a church organist and an onion?
A: You cry when you stick a knife into an onion.
What's the difference between a church organist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
(Both told by a vicar)
The second one is How Things Should Be. Most clergy haven't a clue about music and hymnody in my experience; they choose hymns according to a vague relationship between the theme of the Sunday readings and the first line of some awful dirge.
Organists have to play the damned things and know which ones are a joy and which ones leading the congregation through is like wading through syrup on a cold day because they're God-awful.
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
I liked this one from the Ship of Fools twitter link on the front page:
Minister: Today is the feast day of St Brigid, patron saint of dairy workers. All: Thanks Brie to God.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
An American political joke: my apologies to those in more civilized parts of the world who lack familiarity with some of the lower life forms.
What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and an ordinary skunk?
Rush Limbaugh wouldn't be caught dead in the middle of the road.
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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ChaliceGirl
Shipmate
# 13656
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Posted
Ahh, political jokes..
This one went aroud when George W. "Dubya" Bush was President:
Dubya was waiting for an elevator one day, and noticed a man to his right with a long white beard and robe to match, clutching a few stone tablets with his left arm and a staff with his right.
Dubya asked the man, "Say, aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling.
"Maybe he didn't hear me," Dubya muttered, and walked directly in front of the man.
"Say," Dubya repeated, "aren't you Moses?"
Again, the man ignored him and stared at the ceiling.
Now a bit confused, Dubya tugged on the man's robe, yelling, "Are you Moses?"
Finally, in an irritated tone, the man replied, "Yes, I am."
"Why didn't you answer me the first time?" Dubya asked.
Moses responded, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert..."
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The Episcopal Church Welcomed Me.
"Welcome home." ++Katharine Jefferts Schori to me on 29Mar2009.
My KJS fansite & chicksinpointyhats
Posts: 710 | From: Philadelphia, PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2008
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jbohn
Shipmate
# 8753
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
What is it called when you toss a bagpipe in the exact center of a dumpster?
Perfect pitch.
Perfect pitch is when you dumpster an accordion- and land it on a banjo...
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We are punished by our sins, not for them.
--Elbert Hubbard
Posts: 989 | From: East of Eden, west of St. Paul | Registered: Nov 2004
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Stick Monitor
Apprentice
# 17253
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Posted
A rabbit walks into a pub and asks for the bar-food menu.
"I'll have a cheese toastie and a tuna toastie please"
The next day he does the same...
"I'll have a ham toastie and a chicken toastie please"
And again, the next day...
"I'll have a bean toastie and an egg toastie please"
And so on until the end of the week, after which he never returns.
One night, at midnight, exactly one year after the rabbit's last visit, the hideously deformed spectre of the rabbit floats through the door as the landlord is cleaning up.
"Is that you, rabbit? Where have you been all this time?" asked the landlord.
"I died" replied the rabbit.
"Oh, sorry to hear that. What did you die of?"
"Mixing my toasties."
Posts: 50 | From: UK | Registered: Aug 2012
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
Oh, Mr Stick Monitor, that was a beauty ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
I have exhausted my joke supply . The tumbleweeds can stay locked away.
Just one more as a stocking-filler.....
Q . What did the grape say when it got trod on ?
A . Nothing . It just let out a little whine.
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by rolyn:
< Pardon to all blondes , love you really >
Dumb blonde out driving her sports one day , and down come a load of hail-stones the size of tennis balls.
She takes the motor, covered in dents, to the nearest garage and is greeted by a couple of not very 'new men' who decide they can have a bit of fun .
"Can you fix this ?" she asks . "Well Madame" says one of the men , "We think the best thing you can do is take your car home and blow as hard as you can into that pipe there", (pointing to the exhaust pipe).
"That is a guaranteed way of popping the dents out", says the other.
So the lady obediently goes home and does as the men had advised .
Needless to say this does nothing at all, except smudge the lipstick and put a black ring around her mouth . Disappointed she goes to see her friend, who is also a dumb blonde, and tells the whole sorry story.
Her friend takes one look at the car, and laughing merrily says, "Oh my Dearest, blowing in that pipe was never going to make the dents come out".
"Why's that ?" comes the reply".
"You didn't shut the windows first".
You do realise that you can any joke on this lines by starting it "this eejit" or "this beautiful eejit" and it will still work ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Starbug
Shipmate
# 15917
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Posted
A Chinese man walks into a bar. It's very crowded and he accidentally spills a drink belonging to an elderly Jewish man. The Chinese man apologises, but the Jewish man is still angry, saying 'You Chinese are all the same - first Pearl Harbour, now this!' 'What are you talking about?' says the Chinese man, 'Pearl Harbour was the Japanese, not the Chinese'. The Jew shrugs and says, 'Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?'
'Well, you can talk,' says the Chinese man. 'It was the Jews that sank the Titanic.' The Jew says 'You're crazy - the Titantic was sunk by an iceberg!' So the Chinese man says 'Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg - what's the difference?'
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“Oh the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?” ― The Day of the Doctor
Posts: 1189 | From: West of the New Forest | Registered: Sep 2010
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
That's terrible!
Today's joke (copyright K M Masser, 2013) is one I had been thinking about almost all month before I told it yesterday to a strange girl I met at work. She laughed, so here it is:
The late Al Davis, owner of the infamous Oakland Raiders of the NFL, decided to have a job fair to find a new coach as almost everyone since the great John Madden quit had failed miserably. Fifty candidates from all over the country, with backgrounds varying from Pop Warner to college to assistants on rival NFL teams, showed up. Mr. Davis said, "All right, raise your hands if you want to receive $40,000 every time the team wins." Fifty hands went up. "OK, now raise your hands if you want to give me $20,000 every time my team loses!" One hand, belonging to the Pop Warner coach at Clairbourn School in San Gabriel, went up. The other forty-nine passed out.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
It might have been polite laughter Sir Kev.
Is telling jokes to strange girls at work a valid method of knowing whether a joke's any good ?
In fact, come to think of it, is it even legal these days ? ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
Is this a joke that doesn't cross the pond?
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Yes, that would be the case. I do not know, nor have I composed, any humourous passages regarding my beloved THFC Spurs. I shall copy this one to the NFL thread!
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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