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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Help! I've got a teenager!
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Esmeralda
Ship's token UK Mennonite
# 582
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Posted
MSHB, I did understand AS to mean Asperger's! We've been in the ASD game for nine years - first he was diagnosed with NLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder*) for six years, then re-diagnosed with Asperger's. I personally still think NLD is a more accurate dx, but it is probably on the autistic spectrum anyway.
*Does not mean he was non-verbal, rather that his non-verbal skills were way behind his verbal - a gap of 10-15 points on the Wechsler Scale is a cause for concern, he had 53 points' gap. He couldn't run, couldn't relate to other kids, put his clothes on back to front, but he said his first phrase at 6 months and was into complex sentences by the time he was 2 (and reading Year 1 books with ease in reception
class).
Jengie, I wonder if you could get a diagnosis which would allow you to use a clean laptop for exams? My son can't write as fast as he thinks but he can type as fast.
Everyone else, it is so good to hear of well-functioning, gainfully employed adults who messed up the latter part of their school, or college. It gives me hope.
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I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.
http://reversedstandard.wordpress.com/
Posts: 17415 | From: A small island nobody pays any attention to | Registered: Jun 2001
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Moth
Shipmate
# 2589
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Posted
As a university lecturer, can I absolutely confirm that the overwhelming majority of mature students are a joy to teach. They have developed so many skills like time management that they tend to do much better than most of their younger peers.
Also, it's always worth getting a possible learning difficulty checked out. One very mature student (in his late forties) was amazed by how much better he did after being diagnosed as dyslexic at university. The extra time and/or use of a computer makes a big difference.
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"There are governments that burn books, and then there are those that sell the libraries and shut the universities to anyone who can't pay for a key." Laurie Penny.
Posts: 3446 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2002
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Esmeralda
Ship's token UK Mennonite
# 582
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Posted
Thanks Moth. Genius Brat has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome for some years (or were you talking to Jengie?).
Things are looking better as we have a date fixed for a meeting with the school, after New Year.
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I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.
http://reversedstandard.wordpress.com/
Posts: 17415 | From: A small island nobody pays any attention to | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I have copied this over from the Parenting thread:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
quote:
Idle curiosity; does anyone have a teenager who's done YASS? (Young Applicants in Schools Scheme) i.e. the school leaves free periods in their timetable and the pupil does an Open University module. The school provides nothing but a desk in the library and free periods; the onus is entirely on the pupil to sort themselves out with the Open University, choosing, applying, submitting TMAs etc.
It sounds win-win; several periods a week which are effortless for the school (no teacher contact required) and a good transition for the pupil to the self-discipline of Uni. Anyone got practical experience?
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
My son has the option of doing this, but I am a little cautious, as he is doing really tough A levels, and he has a lot on his plate already. However, decision time has not come quite yet, so maybe he'll want to go for it after all. I think the motivation has to come from him!
Finding the ferocious arguments of TP Jnr's teenage years hard going. We always make up/say sorry afterwards, but I still feel daunted by the amount of anger that's on display! I get very angry with myself too when I lose my temper. I have quite serious mental health problems, and sometimes the strain of parenting a teenager feels like too much, especially as my husband is just recovering from cancer and has had his own issues with anxiety and depression.
However, I am being very well supported professionally at present, and we have been offered family therapy, so there is a way forward. And I should be grateful for that.
Any observations welcome all the same! TallPoppy
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
Posts: 2389 | From: Southern England | Registered: Mar 2011
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
My eldest isn't a teenager for much longer... two and a half months.
So. When is help helping and when is it disempowering? To which point is ignoring moody, depressing behaviour appropriate, because believe me, it is clearly not helpful to be cheerful/upbeat/attempt to find solutions/count blessings etc. When is one allowed to say, 'for goodness' sake, go and be miserable and negative somewhere else.'
She wants a car. A car sits in the garage, waiting for her to at least contribute to insurance. I think we're willing to tax it, we certainly fixed it, and would continue to deal with any actual problems.
Is it kind and friendly and supportive to find the money for the insurance, or is it stupid and rescuing and counter productive? Might it be the thing that kick starts recovery... or will it just add to the list of things to be resentful about when she's still frigging miserable?
Please answer with clear and unabiguous advice, so I can at least blame someone else for once when it all continues to go wrong.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Some of the best advice I've heard has been from parents who say, 'I'll raise you half - you find the rest.' It shows you are willing to help by matching, pound for pound, what they can be bothered to fund themselves.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Please answer with clear and unabiguous advice, so I can at least blame someone else for once when it all continues to go wrong.
Love. This.
Quotesfile!
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Josephine
Orthodox Belle
# 3899
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
When is help helping and when is it disempowering?
That's a really good question. If you find the answer, bottle it and sell it. You'll make a fortune!
Here's my clear and unambiguous advice. I'd hate for you not to have anyone to share the blame with. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Seriously, though, by the age of 20, most of the adolescent moodiness should have past. If it continues to be persistent and severe, you might consider recommending (or requiring) a mental health evaluation.
Setting limits on behavior is important with adult children as with little ones, so any time is a fine time to say, 'for goodness' sake, go and be miserable and negative somewhere else.'
As for what you should pay for with the car, for adult children living at home, we've found it helpful to make clear what we will or won't pay for, then sticking with that consistently. What's reasonable to pay for depends on your child's needs, your financial situation, and what's common or expected among your social group. But don't do something like insuring a car just to make an unhappy person happy. It won't work, and you'll all just be frustrated.
There. Now whatever you do, you can tell your daughter that it's the fault of some anonymous person on the Internet whom you've never met. Good luck!
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I've written a book! Catherine's Pascha: A celebration of Easter in the Orthodox Church. It's a lovely book for children. Take a look!
Posts: 10273 | From: Pacific Northwest, USA | Registered: Jan 2003
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birdsoftheair
Shipmate
# 15219
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Posted
This sounds very familiar to me with a 16 year old with known MH issues but makes me wonder how much it is real distress and how much it is just plain selfishness.
However I came across this condition
PDA which is part of ASD and actually begins to make sense of some of her behaviour from 2 years onwards.
But and this is a big but, at which point do we as parents say get on with it and at which point do we see the assorted moodiness, tantrums and lightening mood changes as more than attention seeking?
Much as I love her I also breathe a sigh of relief when she has a few days away and so does she. We don't row but only because we tiptoe round her current mood and associated needs for that time.
This turning into a rant and I don't mean it to because she can be an utter delight. All my friends think she is enchanting!
Any suggestions gratefully received and Taliesin's
plea is one that I share too!
Posts: 1069 | From: under 180 degrees of sky | Registered: Oct 2009
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
Parenting a teenager has been a trial (balanced with a blessing - it's nice having a young man around when he's making the effort to be "human") just lately and looks like being an enduring challenge for a while yet.
Here's a question, though. He moves from Scouts to Explorers at the end of the month, but is going camping one last time with his scout troop in the summer.
I have had an email from the scout leader - something they are planning for camp is for the older ones (The Smudgelet is the oldest at 14) to do an unaccompanied hike overnight to a campsite 11 miles away where they will set up camp and sleep out before being picked up the following morning. They're intending to be in groups of threes/fours/fives and the ideal route apparently takes them partly along roads, partly across country. The scout leader will apparently visit the other campsite during the night to make sure they got there safely and managed to set up camp.
Am I being an overprotective mother when I say I don't feel altogether comfortable with this? Should I agree to him doing it? Is it part of the letting-go process or is it a bit too much too soon. Bearing in mind that he's the eldest, would the loss of face in front of his peers be damaging or how could I handle saying no in a way which prevented this?
(I would be perfectly happy if he were with a scout leader doing a night hike, or if it were during the day with regular check points to make sure they weren't too lost, or even if he were doing it as the youngest of a group of explorers)
To add into the mix, he's been running away when he's got overwrought just lately and it's not a reassuring thought to think he might feel more confident being out in the middle of the night on his own if he's done it before with the Scouts. I'd really rather he feel vulnerable and realise he'd rather be safe at home with the mother from Hell. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My daughter (just turned 15) was part of a group of Guides camping for two nights under the leadership of another 15 year old as part of her Patrol Camp Permit. They were in a field adjacent to a farmhouse belonging to a Guider, so had access to an adult if necessary. My daughter's also done a hike/camp/hike as one of a group of four girls all recently turned or about to turn 15 as part of her bronze Duke of Edinburgh with (as I understand it) fairly minimal adult supervision. The latter was in an area with patchy/ non-existent mobile phone reception
I did have some qualms about both, but I think I'd have had more qualms about an 11 mile overnight hike with a 14 year old as the oldest. How old will the others be? If he's the oldest will he have a leadership role?
My 17 year old is just back from a school expedition - 3 weeks in Borneo, with 19 pupils (aged between 16 and 18) 2 expedition leaders and two teachers (two very young looking teachers!), so there's a rapid change in what is regarded as feasible in the years between 14 and 16/7, and lots and lots (and lots!) of maternal qualms (not to mention sleepless nights!) along the way.
I think the big question is - does he want to do it? If he does, and there are others younger getting parental permission, I think it would be difficult to say no.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Old Scouter Mode On
Yeah, you're being overprotective. That's OK, you're Mum. But when he's home he doesn't feel that empowered. When he's with his peer group, he might feel responsible. And I don't think he'd run away if the Scouter gave him some responsibility in his group.
I think he'll come through with flying colours. Bug bitten, and sunburned maybe, but with flying colours
Old Scouter Mode Off
For the record, I'm old enough to be his grandfather, and I feel like running away when I'm overwrought. But I have the option of no-one dragging me out from under my duvet.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
(The running away fear is about him gaining the confidence to do it more effectively than he currently does)
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
I wouldn't be comfortable either, Smudgie. 11 miles at night seems excessive. However, I do see scouts being well organised - we once discovered a woman hiding in a barn on the downs, and when we asked her if she was ok she siad, 'yes, I watching out for a group of scouts to check they're ok, but I don't want them to see me.'
My sons are going on their camp week after next, and the blindfolded hike is the bit that scares me - daytime, and fine for my older boy, but the younger one is 11 and diabetic.
I'm not comfortable. They are going, though.
Thanks for replies above. Glad to have the input.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Ferijen
Shipmate
# 4719
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Posted
Mr Ferijen, the resident Scout leader, says that this (probably the Expedition Challenge) tends to teach Scouts how to walk a long way with stuff on their backs. Which I can't imagine is very reassuring for you:(
However, Scout leaders would much rather hear your concerns, and adaptations can be made for some badges.
Posts: 3259 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ferijen:
Mr Ferijen, the resident Scout leader, says that this (probably the Expedition Challenge) tends to teach Scouts how to walk a long way with stuff on their backs. Which I can't imagine is very reassuring for you:(
This used to be good preparation for University.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
Slightly reassured - the scout leader assures me that the actual hiking part of the enterprise is during the daylight hours, and the boy assures me that it is not all the scouts who are taking part, it's just the older ones.
He was really keen to take part and I have every confidence he'll be fine. When I told him my reservations (i.e. that the group might argue and fall out and that it only takes one idiot in a group of three to cause quite considerable difficulties) and when he considered the specific named people that he'd be hiking with, he expressed his own reservations!!! I actually feel far happier knowing that he has looked at it a bit more objectively too.
It was really the nighttime thing that was bugging me.
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
I'm really glad he's not hiking through the night, or with younger children. That sounds much more reasonable.
I'm wondering, if anyone can point me at websites about spine alignment. Google ain't doing it by itself. My daughter has a misalignment - as a child her upper jaw needed to be pushed to one side with a spring, and when her weight was so low I could see clearly that her spine kinks, top and bottom. She was a very tall baby... I'm wondering if there is any correlation at all between something being 'off' structurally and some kind a brain function.
Clutching at straws, I grant you, but I remember reading an article years ago that is ringing bells. Just wondering if anyone has/knows of a theory...
I could just 'take her to a chiropractor' or 'take her to an osteopath' but these people tend to give it a go whatever - they don't send you to someone else. So I'd like to pick the most likely, first. Or have a clue. Or something.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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birdsoftheair
Shipmate
# 15219
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Posted
Hi Taliesin
I found this site
It is a chiropractic site and may be off the wall but it seems to suggest that neuro problems can be caused by spinal misalignment affecting the brain. I could not possibly comment on this and I always treat such sites with a healthy dose of sceptism but sometimes they mention a certain condition that allows you to do further research.
Just a thought......
birds
Posts: 1069 | From: under 180 degrees of sky | Registered: Oct 2009
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
Thank you.
Yes, I know I can't believe everything uploaded, it just feels quite plausible. We'll start with a GP and osteopath appointment and move on from there.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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birdsoftheair
Shipmate
# 15219
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Posted
Good idea, and I will learn to spell skepticism!
Birds
Posts: 1069 | From: under 180 degrees of sky | Registered: Oct 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I'm bumping this thread as I think it has some longer term use and I don't want it swept away if we prune All Saints sometime.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
For you have the teenagers with you always, and whenever you will you may do them good...
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
one of my Most perplexing teenagers .....is visiting with his partner and daughter....
job well done :he's doin' well/ they're doin' well
hope this is an encouragement to those currently going through it with their teenagers
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Og: Thread Killer
Ship's token CN Mennonite
# 3200
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Posted
Its funny, but on the good days, its like the whole of their life has been great.
On the bad days (sometimes mentioned on the prayer thread) its like there has only been one day and it has been hellish.
I had the privilege of God showing us a bad example of parenting when a parent said to us, when little Oglet was a baby, in front of her teenage kids no less, that when they were babies was the best time as a parent.
We have strove since then to make each day the best time for her to be a a child and show her that each day is the best time to be a parent
There are times when its painful but, for right now at least, a well adjusted teenager is a wonder to behold.
Tomorrow she'll probably complain about having to do homework and about something else but...oh well...she's a teenager...got to let her live.
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I wish I was seeking justice loving mercy and walking humbly but... "Cease to lament for that thou canst not help, And study help for that which thou lament'st."
Posts: 5025 | From: Toronto | Registered: Aug 2002
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birdsoftheair
Shipmate
# 15219
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Posted
How do you decide the right level of support for an over anxious teenager who resorts to SH when distressed?
She wants to live in the school hostel (a boarding home as the school is on another island)
but is not managing to attend school properly as she is so distressed by subjects being taught ie assisted suicide. We cant protect her from everything like this and think she should take a year out at home to sort herself out. She is also a drama queen so it's hard to tell if it is genuine. She cant cope away from us but doesn't want to stay here.
We are worn out by the nights of texts and phonecalls when away as she is so upset and it is made worse by the fact we cant get to her. It feels like emotional manipulation. We did not answer 1 text during school time and got accused of total abandonment, although she did laugh about that later. I spent 3 days with her last week staying with a friend to get her settled but cant leave Mr B or Aged Parent for that long every week.
Sorry to go on but very close to losing it with her. ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
Any ideas folks?
Posts: 1069 | From: under 180 degrees of sky | Registered: Oct 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Lots of sympathy, no answers. How much of the timetable is she struggling with? IIRC assisted suicide is part of the Int 1 RMPS course? Could she simply drop this, or are there other subjects she struggles with?
Is her guidance teacher supportive?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Earwig
Pincered Beastie
# 12057
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Lots of sympathy, no answers.
Yes, same here. It does sound like a situation where supportive teachers would be a help...
Posts: 3120 | From: Yorkshire | Registered: Nov 2006
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Josephine
Orthodox Belle
# 3899
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by birdsoftheair:
How do you decide the right level of support for an over anxious teenager who resorts to SH when distressed?
How old is she? If it were me, and she were 13 or 14, I'd bring her home and get things sorted out. If she's 17 or 18, I think I'd set some boundaries. If she lives at the school, she's on her own. That means she can only call/write/text during normal hours, and only so many times per day/week/whatever.
Is there a mental health professional working with her, who can help her learn healthier ways of coping with distress?
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I've written a book! Catherine's Pascha: A celebration of Easter in the Orthodox Church. It's a lovely book for children. Take a look!
Posts: 10273 | From: Pacific Northwest, USA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
Can she withdraw from the lessons on assisted suicide? This sounds as if it must be very stressful for her.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
Much empathy from me, too, but no advice ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
How long is it thought that these lessons might go on for? I did some teaching on the subject once and was stunned when I got feedback that someone found it upsetting, but it was too late to tone it down because we'd already finished. Most topics are pretty short. At least it is regarding the topic - which is finite, and can be walked away from - rather than social dynamics, which are ongoing and all-pervasive.
I agree with Josephine - a lot depends on how old she is.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Persephone Hazard
Ship's Wench
# 4648
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by birdsoftheair:
She is also a drama queen so it's hard to tell if it is genuine.
It is a uniquely horrible experience to be accused of drama queening when in real distress. Especially by one's own mother when one is a teenager. I remember the times that happened clearly; they were painful.
My own recommendation would be that your daughter speaks to a therapist, and considers anti-depressants if her GP thinks them appropriate. It sounds like she needs help and support right now.
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but it's a lot easier to make up a thousand words than one decent picture. - ken.
Posts: 1645 | From: London | Registered: Jun 2003
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
I suspect that at present she lacks a place where she can sort out her emotions. Often it is not good talking to parents about it, they are too close. So when you talk to them, their emotions getting in the way of them actually responding helpfully to you, so things escalate. However if she has not developed strong friendship the only alternative may appear to be keeping things to herself but with that things can get out of proportion if you have no where to talk about them.
I suspect that finding space where she can talk safely about these things is probably what she needs most. Therefore from my perspective, what might be very useful is if you can find a trusted non-parental adult who is not a teacher.
Do you have a friend local to the school who once a week would have her around for tea after school, or is there perhaps a youth leader attached to a local church that might befriend her, or as a final resort maybe a counsellor to talk through what she finds stressful in classes.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by birdsoftheair:
How do you decide the right level of support for an over anxious teenager who resorts to SH when distressed?
She wants to live in the school hostel (a boarding home as the school is on another island)
but is not managing to attend school properly as she is so distressed by subjects being taught ie assisted suicide. We cant protect her from everything like this and think she should take a year out at home to sort herself out. She is also a drama queen so it's hard to tell if it is genuine. She cant cope away from us but doesn't want to stay here.
We are worn out by the nights of texts and phonecalls when away as she is so upset and it is made worse by the fact we cant get to her. It feels like emotional manipulation. We did not answer 1 text during school time and got accused of total abandonment, although she did laugh about that later. I spent 3 days with her last week staying with a friend to get her settled but cant leave Mr B or Aged Parent for that long every week.
Sorry to go on but very close to losing it with her.
Any ideas folks?
If she is self-harming you should seek professional help and advice - in addition to supporting her they should give you advice on the best ways for you to cope.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
birdsoftheair: I'm with others, professional help (whether she wants it or not) is necessary. SH is a cry for help. if it doesn't work (in the way she thinks she needs it to work) she will try more and more outrageous and dangerous stuff. I have a good friend who went through this with her daughter and it's terrifying.
my problem is comparatively easier, or at least less dangerous. Chasee#2 just turned 16. he is a great kid. no substance problems, gets along well with folks, has good quality friends, and is almost always very open with me. (the first time his girl let him feel her up he told me all about it. awkward.) he is very friendly and open with adults, very good with younger kids. I'm blessed.
he's also, for the record, the poster child for ADHD. but seeing as how this is a family affliction, I'm pretty comfortable dealing with that. until recently.
here's the problem - he doesn't give a crap about school. he has great "someday" dreams, but he can't connect that he needs to slog through high school to be able to follow those dreams. the kid is SMART, but failed his graduation qualifying exams. he admits that he was bored so he just wrote whatever in the test so he could read his book.
he passed most of last year by sheer dumb luck, but failed two classes (ironically, english classes that he failed because he was in the back of the room reading novels and writing his short stories. oi.) this year, I was going to send him to stay with my mother because she's a retired teacher who still works in the school. she'd be with him through the day and would get home when he gets home, and her specialty as a master teacher was teaching G&T kids with ADD. I'm often at work all evening, and it's difficult for me to be able to ride herd on him at school. Plus, my MS makes me very forgetful and I struggle with fatigue. I do a lot of parenting from a prone position. And when we fight, I lose my ability to speak. it's a common side effect of stress, but unbelievably frustrating. (I also get some pretty sucky pain when stressed, but I can try to slog through that)
over the summer he got a girlfriend. so when the time came for him to travel, he begged and pleaded and bargained to stay another semester, for me to give him another chance in this school. I caved in because I'm weak. and because we made all sort of bargains.
Now, we're almost a month in and nothing has changed. He lies to me about what school work is done and due, he blows off all school work and household chores and opts instead to tinker with his collection of dead bicycles or read novels or watch anime on the internet.
He is SIXTEEN! surely by now he should take a little ownership of this and quit denying his responsibilities? He hates failing. he hates the last-minute panic to get work finished. He doesn't want to drop out, he wants to study mythology in college and travel to Greece and build bicycles. But I'm at my wit's end trying to get him to shape up. and I'm so sick of the fighting I have battle fatigue.
Do I just pack him off to my mom mid-semester and be done with it? He's already grounded from social life and limited on internet time.
He's twice my size, I can't force march him over to the table to do work. I'm going to lose my mind!
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Don't let his size intimidate you. Remember, you're the one who cleaned him up for the first five or so years of his life. My eldest nephew, now 46 and a grandfather himself, and easily larger than his mother would still do stuff, muttering away, because his mother could (and probably still could) push all the right buttons. Hang in there. Be firm. And push that button.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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birdsoftheair
Shipmate
# 15219
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Posted
Thank you to all who have replied.
just to clarify she is 16 and refuses to take a year out which shows me she has some determination. She has been offered a lot of professional care and often won't use it because she dislikes talking about her problems. She has a great guidance teacher and staff at the hostel who are on duty all night.
I guess I used the drama queen term a bit rashly because we know these feelings are real but she does play on them a wee bit too.
It's just the emotional ups and downs that wear me out and it makes her Dad poorly too.
She's back to school tomorrow so we will hope for good week. Oh the AS lesson was an English lesson and included tv footage! Not on.
Posts: 1069 | From: under 180 degrees of sky | Registered: Oct 2009
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
Don't let his size intimidate you. Remember, you're the one who cleaned him up for the first five or so years of his life. My eldest nephew, now 46 and a grandfather himself, and easily larger than his mother would still do stuff, muttering away, because his mother could (and probably still could) push all the right buttons. Hang in there. Be firm. And push that button.
well yes. I didn't need to mention his size really, because that hasn't been an issue. I roar my terrible roars and gnash my terrible teeth and he often comes to heel.
I'm just fried with all the roaring. and it's doing no good at all.
eta: to clarify further: I dont actually yell a lot - it's last resort. and the fights are not all that common. We talk, and he agrees, and then he just does his thing anyway. it's after tons of this that it escalates.
[ 13. September 2011, 19:22: Message edited by: comet ]
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
One glorious day, your great hulk of a teenager (now 20 or 30 something) will decide, off his own bat, to help you out by washing the dishes, or cooking a meal, or treat you to lunch. And you will forgive him everything.
Trust me.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
...We talk, and he agrees, and then he just does his thing anyway. it's after tons of this that it escalates.
Didn't we all do the same? I know I did.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Josephine
Orthodox Belle
# 3899
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
here's the problem - he doesn't give a crap about school. he has great "someday" dreams, but he can't connect that he needs to slog through high school to be able to follow those dreams. the kid is SMART, but failed his graduation qualifying exams. he admits that he was bored so he just wrote whatever in the test so he could read his book.
I don't know what you do with a kid like this, comet. My oldest didn't graduate from high school because he wouldn't do the mickey mouse assignments. I couldn't make him. He didn't smoke or drink or do drugs. He didn't even have a girlfriend. He's brilliant. He worked hard on the things he wanted to work hard on. His grades tended to be either As or Fs.
He just barely missed a perfect score on his SATs. And he got a couple of full-ride scholarship offers, that were rescinded when he didn't graduate.
He's 27 now, almost 28. He's just gotten his Bachelor's degree, and he's going to Ivy League for grad school.
He's a scholar now.
It just took him a long time to figure out what he wanted to do, and how to do it.
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I've written a book! Catherine's Pascha: A celebration of Easter in the Orthodox Church. It's a lovely book for children. Take a look!
Posts: 10273 | From: Pacific Northwest, USA | Registered: Jan 2003
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
He has great "someday" dreams, but he can't connect that he needs to slog through high school to be able to follow those dreams.
Originally posted by Josephine:
quote:
My oldest didn't graduate from high school because he wouldn't do the mickey mouse assignments. I couldn't make him. He didn't smoke or drink or do drugs. He didn't even have a girlfriend. He's brilliant. He worked hard on the things he wanted to work hard on. His grades tended to be either As or Fs.
I, too, have a son like this. Perhaps we should form a support group?
[ 14. September 2011, 06:24: Message edited by: North East Quine ]
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Earwig
Pincered Beastie
# 12057
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by birdsoftheair:
She has been offered a lot of professional care and often won't use it because she dislikes talking about her problems.
...
I guess I used the drama queen term a bit rashly because we know these feelings are real but she does play on them a wee bit too.
These two bits in your reply stood out for me - from what you've said, she is talking about her problems, but to you and not a professional. Would it help for you to talk to a professional councillor about how to help her? Just a thought - and lots of sympathy...
Posts: 3120 | From: Yorkshire | Registered: Nov 2006
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harmony hope
Shipmate
# 4070
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Posted
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) I just wanted to send my support for everyone here trying to find a good way through teenage-dom... I have 2 daughters aged 14 and 11 and both have/are presenting their own (very different!) issues and I think that teenagers are some of the most wonderful and simultaneously frustrating human beings alive!
Mind you if you asked my daughters they'd probably say that about me too!
You are all in my prayers and please hold me in your's! ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
Harmony
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'God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.'
Posts: 645 | From: gentle rolling Oxfordshire countryside | Registered: Feb 2003
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
you got it, Harmony. Us parents have to stick together. if only to remind eachother that we're not completely insane yet.
#2 is currently giving me the cold shoulder for picking him up "too early" from The Girl's house. she lives in the neighboring town. He's lucky he gets to go see her at all. anyway - that's par for the course.
Wanted to let you all know we had a pretty good talk the other night. He admitted that he fell into old habits and realized how hard it can be to change those. I thought it was pretty wise of him to come to that conclusion. We talked about ways he can try to fix it - like, if he catches himself in a lie, rather that defend it, own it. I told him the world respects those people who can admit mistakes and own their failures as well as successes. I suspect we're still in for a long haul here but I feel hopeful knowing he really does want to try and fix this; that he's struggling with the process rather than just brushing it off.
as a side note, in the "funny things teenagers say" category: when we were arguing about his pick-up time, I told him if he makes it a big fight he won't get to go visit again next time. his text response, "Fine. I see how it is. You're just going to crush me again."
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
that's me. Crushing innocent children since July, 1989.
(hey, it's a natural talent!)
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Suze
Ship's Barmaid
# 5639
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by birdsoftheair:
Thank you to all who have replied.
just to clarify she is 16 and refuses to take a year out which shows me she has some determination. She has been offered a lot of professional care and often won't use it because she dislikes talking about her problems. She has a great guidance teacher and staff at the hostel who are on duty all night.
She does sound like she's struggling although I also suspect your comment about emotional manipulation bears some truth too - I doubt that it's conscious or purposeful on her part, it sounds like she's got into a pattern of responding when she isn't coping to well which includes SH and lots of parental support. It says a lot about your relationship that she's looking to you.
As part of your setting boundaries with her as suggested above, you could suggest she contacts ChildLine - while most adults thing they're there for abused kids, actually they work with kids who are struggling for any reason. The on-line service would mean she wouldn't even need to talk to someone - there's a closed instant messaging service that would let her chat to someone on-line. They'd hold confidentiality where other professionals wouldn't, which can be helpful for dealing with self harm.
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' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell
Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
Just found this thread. I have a 17 year old son who wanted to study medicine but do as little work as possible for his AS levels. This does not compute. We had a job insisting that we would not then pay for the extra entrance exam for med school as his chemistry grade was too low (and his lack of application too clear) for this to be a realistic option. He's incredibly clever, but has lost focus since starting sixth form. We have spoken to the school and will do so again, but ultimately you can't force them to work...they have to want to do it for themselves.
We are in family therapy because of my severe recurrent depressive disorder, so we are 'lucky' to qualify for professional help. And our therapist is excellent. But it still feels like a struggle to get this lad into adulthood.
I have found the posts here very helpful. I feel that I am not alone!
TallPoppy
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
Posts: 2389 | From: Southern England | Registered: Mar 2011
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
there's a few years until my youngest ceases to be a teenager...but could i add my thanks for this thread?
there've been a few times recently when i almost splurged on here, thinking that i needed help or support...
actually i discovered that i am not alone and that helped to put Everything into perspective for me.
having the odd chuckle at a teenage angst ridden statement aimed at other parents really does help
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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