Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Cats!
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
(Inspired by Campbellite's reminiscences about Transylvania, I thought we might get a serial going:)
Jeff looked at the cat, and the cat looked back at him. He'd never liked them much as a species and the feeling was clearly mutual, but he had inherited it from his elderly Aunt Jane together with a legacy that had come just in time to pay off some of his bills, and he felt obliged to look after it. It was, he understood, a Transylvanian Blue and its name – he looked at the letter again but Aunt Jane’s handwriting was sadly illegible. "She answers to her name," she'd said. "If she gets a bit naughty, just call her by it and she’ll stop."
Jeff read through the instructions. The cat seemed fairly easy to cater for, and usually liked to fend for itself and to be out a lot. "Just one thing," Aunt Jane had added. "She doesn't like garlic."
"Well," said Jeff, folding up the letter and putting it away, "I'm hardly likely to feed you garlic. Pity I can’t read your name, but I'll call you Blue until I find out what it is." He supposed he might as well try to build up an amicable relationship with it as he was stuck with it, and awkwardly bent down to pet it. As he did so a shower of coloured sparks shot out of its fur, and he thought he caught a glimpse of gleaming three inch fangs. It was then that he remembered that Aunt Jane had been, as one might say, a little peculiar.
(Please feel free to continue)
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
LOL, Ariel!
Jeff, (AKA St. Sebastian) hadn't realized how strong a static electricity charge can feel while standing on a new carpet. (Well, he had the inheritance, didn't he? Might as well get something nice for his hovel.) The vision of the fangs bothered him, as he wasn't quite sure how badly he had been shocked. Was that a vision? Or was he going to have to < gasp! > see a doctor for strange hallucinations?
Jeff picked up Blue, wondering if Auntie's neighbors had any clue of the cat's proper name. He then put the pretty red and green rocks his Aunt had also left to him in a small velvet bag.
-------------------- ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
All right - another cat lover here. My cat Jeter, however, is extraordinary. He's a baseball fan and a great cuddler. He has the world's best purr. He kills all the huge Florida cockroaches that enter the house. He also terrorizes my housemate's cat (which totally cracks me up). He keeps my feet warm at night and wakes me up in the morning. He greets me when I come in the door after work. With a cat like him, who needs a husband - not me!
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
Good grief! I have to patrol for kryptonite down here, too?
-------------------- "I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Jeff looked doubtfully at the red and green rocks, and picked up the smallest green one. It felt surprisingly light and rough in his hand. He had no idea what it was, or whether it even was really a rock. He became aware that Blue was staring at him with undivided attention, its eyes glowing a sudden luminous green. He sniffed the piece of rock, and found that it smelt fruity, and on impulse, popped it into his mouth, and discovered that it was a misshapen, slightly fuzzy, lime flavoured boiled sweet.
It was at that point that he noticed the cat beginning to grow rapidly in size. The green eyes fixed him with a malevolent stare, and an evil voice said in his mind, "I am your master, and I will have what is due to me!"
This time, there was no mistaking the three inch gleaming fangs, nor the way they felt as they sank into his neck. Jeff passed out, and when he came to, he was alone and the cat had gone, leaving him with a pain in the neck and a bag of ancient, fuzzy, boiled sweets.
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Ariel:
Jeff passed out, and when he came to, he was alone and the cat had gone, leaving him with a pain in the neck and a bag of ancient, fuzzy, boiled sweets.
Ariel, that's no way to describe our Miss Molly!
-------------------- Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Quick question... was it ok to give the cats those brightly coloured treats? They seem to be acting very strangely.
-------------------- Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Given the normal behavior of cats, what would constitute "strange"?
-------------------- I upped mine. Up yours. Suffering for Jesus since 1966. WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
Strange behaviour for cats - playing chess and drinking brandy late into the evening, contemplating on how modern life is rushing by at such a rate, and its effects on the younger generations appetite for a good ramble.
-------------------- Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
Actually, cats play chess very well indeed!! They just don't use the same pieces that we would. However, I don't recommend brandy for cats, unless it is used as a kitty name.
Molly, your good work seems to be neverending. Blessings on you, sister!
Kryptonite candy. What will they think of next?
jj
-------------------- ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
The cat didn't come back that day or the next, and Jeff gladly readjusted to life without it. As far as he was concerned he had done his bit. Feeling rather more cheerful at the thought of not being burdened with an unwanted pet, he came downstairs the next morning to breakfast to find that it was back, and what was more, had dumped a couple of dead sheep on his doormat as a present for him.
Jeff skirted warily round the carcasses, and managed to extricate the newspaper and the letters underneath him. The first headline he saw in his paper was:
"Mysterious Black Beast strikes fear into local farmers. Two sheep missing, in horrible circumstances."
He looked at the cat, who eyed him back, and felt suddenly very afraid.
(Feel free to continue.)
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Kit Kat
Shipmate
# 3244
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Posted
Afraid? Of a little bit of lamb stew?
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Scarlet
Mellon Collie
# 1738
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Campbellite: Ariel? Sharky?
There's a tasty looking kitten in the Revelations thread in heaven. Don't make any sudden moves or loud noises. We might be able to sneak up on....
Oh, Hi Miss_Molly! What's that?
Oh nothing, just out for a little <ahem> stroll.
Whew, that was close.
We just happen to be missing this Kitten from the Miss Molly Revelations thread. Anyone seen our baby? Not mentioning anyone in particular here, but just wondering rather strongly..
Generous reward offered for safe return.
-------------------- They took from their surroundings what was needed... and made of it something more. —dialogue from Primer
Posts: 4769 | Registered: Nov 2001
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
From JJ:
"I don't recommend brandy for cats"
Well then how on earth do you prepare puss flambe' or cat Suzette? I'm sure our resident gourmand and esteemed theologian, Dr. Campbellite, would recommend nothing less than a fine French brandy.
Greta
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Our cats name is Brandy said Dolphy, as she popped another little blue sweetie into her mouth that Molly had kindly sent her.
-------------------- Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by CorgiGreta: Campbellite would recommend nothing less than a fine French brandy.
Greta
Oh absolutely, Sister Greta! If is it not worth drinking, it is not worth using it to cook. Life is too short for cheap wine.
working on a recipe for Kitty Kiev
-------------------- I upped mine. Up yours. Suffering for Jesus since 1966. WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Dolphy: Our cats name is Brandy said Dolphy, as she popped another little blue sweetie into her mouth that Molly had kindly sent her.
*administering the baking soda and table salt gargle to Dolphy, via a funnel, while holding her nostrils shut.
After Dolphy feels better, gives her a plate of cherry winks and divinity, suggesting that she share with the other people down here.
Leaves to search for Kitten.*
-------------------- "I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Cherry Winks for everyone and plates of food for all the cats!!!
passes Molly a bottle of champagne in thanks for saving her from the evil blue sweets
-------------------- Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Oh yes, feed the kitties. We wouldn't want skinny kitties. They're not much use if they are all skin and bones.
Anyone seen Kitten lately?
-------------------- I upped mine. Up yours. Suffering for Jesus since 1966. WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
TICTH (yes I am in the right thread for this) CATS!
I washed my car, after not being able to due to a severe drought, and the very next day there are CAT PRINTS! all over the roof!
I *want* to round them all up and have a barbecue, but I would not wish to offend my dear sister Jedijudy. (I fear not her light saber. It is out of Christian charity that I choose not to offend the weaker brethren/sistern.)
Failing a roaring big cookout, what do you misguided lovers of those infernal fur-bearing beasts recommend I do to keep their flea-bitten paws off my vehicle? (Buckshot would risk damaging the paint, so that's already ruled out.)
-------------------- I upped mine. Up yours. Suffering for Jesus since 1966. WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Ariel's Weekend
Friday. Evil cat tried to trip me up as it shot round a corner fleeing from well deserved pursuit.
Saturday. Evil cat got into dustbin. Rushed down there to try to shut it in, but found it had gone, leaving bag of rubbish strewn on pavement.
Sunday. Evil cat set off car alarm that lasted for 2.5 hours (it was the car next to the dustbin, so obviously coming back for a second attempt). Am not sure that evil cat did not also ring my doorbell 3 times that night and scarper, giggling, before I could kill it.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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TonyK
Host Emeritus
# 35
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Campbellite: <snip> what do you <snip> recommend I do to keep (cats) paws off my (car)?
?? Sell the car??
Ahhhh - the power of selective quoting
-------------------- Yours aye ... TonyK
Posts: 2717 | From: Gloucestershire | Registered: May 2001
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
Highly exalted Dr. Campbelllite,
The best way to "keep their flea-bitten paws off [one's] vehicle" is to remove the paws with a chain saw.
If you insist on a kinder, more gentle approach, a large bowl of fresh cat's blood on the roof of your car will be a deterrent to all but vampire cats.
Speaking of vampire cats, several of my neighbors and I had our lovely annual Halloween bonfire to which we always add vampire cats, demon-possessed cats, feral cats, and notorious cat harborers. Unfortunately, most of this last group must be burned in effigy due to legal technicalities.
Greta
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Alas, those pesky technicalities! Reminds me of the saying, "The only reason some people are alive is that it is against the law to shoot them."
The idea of fresh cats blood has appeal. It would serve a double purpose of deterring the cats from my car, and the efforts to secure said cats blood would not only be entertaining, it would "decrease the surplus population". (apologies to Mr. Dickens.)
Do you suppose that by securing a sample of their fur, I might be able to fashion a suitably effective voodoo doll? Wouldn't want to overlook any workable solutions.
-------------------- I upped mine. Up yours. Suffering for Jesus since 1966. WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Timothy L
Shipmate
# 2170
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Posted
Campbellite, haven't you ever heard the old saying quote: Hang an eidolon of owl here Never a cat shall go near
Let him who has ears hear.
-------------------- Timothy
Posts: 757 | From: Kalamazoo | Registered: Jan 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Monday. Have revised opinion of evil cat that set off car alarm in the light of Campbellite's posting. Evil cat was clearly trying to break in, steal car and drive away at high speed. Suggest Campbellite electrifies his car.
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
"Suggest Campbellite electrifies his car."
Yes, and please post photos or video of cat on a hot tin roof.
Greta
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Don't know if this link has been posted yet:
My Cat Hates You
-------------------- Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake. Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
At least twice but thanks anyway, all contributions that show cats in their real light are gratefully received.
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[Orginally posted by DMarie]
This is for cat lovers only, everyone else will thinks it's sappy. Someone emailed me this link and it is sooo cute. An explanation for cat behaviour (in rap music by a very cute cat)
http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_0902/kitty_hiphop.cfm
I don't really know how to insert a link so I hope this works. I'll try it anyways.
-------------------- Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake. Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Timothy L
Shipmate
# 2170
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Posted
DMarie, welcome to the Ship, but beware of some posters to this thread. Some, I fear, have irrational, pathological aversions to the noble and lovable feline. Never fear, major pharmaceutical companies are going all-out in quest of a cure. Once developed, it will be introduced into the drinking water, similar to floridization. Go to sleep with a pathological aversion, wake up happily petting a cat on the lap!
Enjoyed the link but didn't let my kittens watch it. They'd be dancing all night!
It is also a good lesson in cat-pragmatics. Note that though a confirmed cruncher of little skulls, the rapper-cat refrains from crunching the little rodent who spins his disks. That kitten knows which side of the toast his royalties are buttered on!
Cats--the Common Sense animal!
-------------------- Timothy
Posts: 757 | From: Kalamazoo | Registered: Jan 2002
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
DMarie, allow me to illustrate Timothy's point about fellow posters to this board:
In the gospel according to St AnglicanRascal:
CATS= . AMEN!
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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blackbird
Shipmate
# 1387
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Posted
thanks, belisarius, my cat hates you brightend my morning!
Posts: 1236 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2001
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DMarie
Ship's stray
# 2267
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Posted
Thanks for the welcome, Timothy! Although I can't understand these poor misguided souls who don't appreciate these wonderful creatures, I'm glad to be here and appreciate the company of you, Miss Molly and the other cat lovers on the ship.
I hope the pharmaceutical companies hurry!
[Edited by TonyK to fix a name typo] [ 14. November 2002, 18:22: Message edited by: TonyK ]
Posts: 163 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2002
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
I see the nutte.., er, cat people are having a field day. I had hoped that after their last and ill fated picnic turned cat punt, they had decided to stay indoors (would that their disease-spreading, sleep disturbing, indiscriminate-breeding, car-thieving savage beasts did the same}.
A few minor points:
1. This is not a thread about the alleged (and patently unfounded) virtues of cats. That thread was started once in Heaven and had a life span of little more than a day (would that the same were true of disease-spreading etc.)
2. Keep cheering the pharmaceutical companies on (a nice bunch of trustworthy allies there). I am a Southern Californian, and if it were discovered that I drink tap water, I would deported (back to Grand Rapids, a fate third only to death and Kalamazoo). My dogs and I only drink filtered water.
3. The real welcome should be extended to AnglicanRascal, who hails from the home of the dingo, a wonderful animal that helps keep Australia safe from the cat menace. Compared to the dingo, our noble So. Cal. coyotes are rather inefficient terminators. Perhaps Dr. Campbellite and Ariel could borrow a pack of dingoes to restore law and order to their neighborhoods.
Greta
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Kitten
Shipmate
# 1179
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Posted
Anyone seen this web site
-------------------- Maius intra qua extra
Never accept a ride from a stranger, unless they are in a big blue box
Posts: 2330 | From: Carmarthenshire | Registered: Aug 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
And for Blackbird and Ariel, a reprise of another link.
-------------------- Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake. Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Belisarius: And for Blackbird and Ariel, a reprise of another link.
I was waiting for something to happen, what with the "music" and all.
-------------------- ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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sharkshooter
Not your average shark
# 1589
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Posted
Timothy L said: quote: DMarie, welcome to the Ship, but beware of some posters to this thread. Some, I fear, have irrational, pathological aversions to the noble and lovable feline. Never fear, major pharmaceutical companies are going all-out in quest of a cure.
However, for most of us, the aversion to felines is quite normal - it is the concept that they are noble and loving that is irrational.
Kitten: What kind of a web-site did you link us to? The firewall at w*rk blocked it because of "adult content" - now I may get an enquiry by our IT-cops. Perhaps your screen name should have clued me in to your mischievousness!
-------------------- Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]
Posts: 7772 | From: Canada; Washington DC; Phoenix; it's complicated | Registered: Oct 2001
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
Oh dear. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow. I need instructions on how to stuff a cat. I have a nice plump fifteenn-pounder in the freezer.
Greta
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kitten
Shipmate
# 1179
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Posted
quote: Kitten: What kind of a web-site did you link us to? The firewall at w*rk blocked it because of "adult content" - now I may get an enquiry by our IT-cops. Perhaps your screen name should have clued me in to your mischievousness!
Its the Cat-Scan website, just pictures of cats that people have scanned into their computers (That is, the cats have been scanned - not the pictures)
-------------------- Maius intra qua extra
Never accept a ride from a stranger, unless they are in a big blue box
Posts: 2330 | From: Carmarthenshire | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Um, apart from the one of the Dutch woman, which is probably what got it blocked.
Whatever next.
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DMarie
Ship's stray
# 2267
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Posted
Sorry, saw this and couldn't resist
WEATHER FORECASTING To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
Posts: 163 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Both pro- and anti-cat people will like this link:
The Punk Band Litterbox
Warning: though this link's OK,.... [second link deleted as requested. I think Bel wanted me to say that it wasn't suitable!!
Bel - if I've got this wrong (and I've just come back from the firm's annual dinner-dance!!) let me know!!]
Edited by TonyK as requested by poster [ 07. December 2002, 00:00: Message edited by: TonyK ]
-------------------- Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake. Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[D'oh! Have sent request to remove second link ]
-------------------- Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake. Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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blackbird
Shipmate
# 1387
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Posted
i just played it for my dogs and they're freaking out looking for the intruder.
that growl made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. reminds me of a tomcat i used to have. he was found in a garbage can and swaggered like john wayne. he was all white with a black spot on his side that i used as an on/off switch. for some reason i couldn't resist poking, prodding, tweaking, pinching etc. etc. that spot.
then one day while he reclined by my side and i was pretending my hand was a little ninja closing in on the spot, his ears moved back a bit, the eyes closed to a slit, the tail flicked and POW...he gave me a black eye with his right paw. (no claws because he loved me )
Posts: 1236 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2001
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