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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Oh, That Sarkycow!
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Those are petty excuses. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: Right now, none.
Sarkycow < Slams fist on desk; Nightlamp and RooK start > Your lack of initiative SICKENS me!!
RooK: What brought that on??
Sarkycow: Hey, I have to show my range if I'm going to win an Emmy. < canned laughter and applause > Can't we at least rule any Christian or Anti-Christian celebrities out?
Nightlamp: Well, whoever it is, they would need a high tolerance for Tat.
Sarkycow < amazed >: It's Marilyn Manson?? < canned laughter... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
Sarkycow: So it's celebrity whose presence requires serious thread pruning?
Nightlamp: Yes, we'd got that far.
Sarkycow: And who is not Ship of Fools habitue?
RooK <aside> : Keep trying dear, you'll work out how to do an acute accent eventually.....
<Nightlamp titters sychophantically>
Sarkycow: Hmmmmmmmmmm
Nightlamp: Brilliant! It's Mr Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!
Sarkycow: Nightlamp, do you have a problem with me?
Nightlamp: <Extremely uncomfortable> Er....Who? Me???????
Sarkycow: <Appealingly> Yes, you, Nightie
dear
RooK: DON'T CALL HIM NIGHT -
<Sarkcow moves towards RooK, fluttering her eyelashes energetically>
Sarkycow: <flirtatiously> Yes, Rookie? <flutters eyelashes>
RooK: Errrr...........
<enter Dick Van Dyke>
<Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one), 'It's A Jolly 'Oliday Wiv Meery' from Mary Poppins, and theme tune of Diagnosis Murder
<wild audience applause>
D Van D: <In best 'Cockernee' accent> 'Ere, Sarky Ceee-ow, woss all the com- motion, then?
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Icklicus Angelicus
Shipmate
# 3588
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Posted
what the...??!!
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.
(mollyringwraith)
Posts: 763 | From: Oxford / Devon | Registered: Nov 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[ quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one) ...
DAAA, DAAA, DA da da da DA da, da DA da, da DA da...
]
Nightlamp: Dick Van Dyke is the secret celebrity??
DVD: Cor, wot ar' y'on 'bout? Me and Sarks go back aways--back t' when we set fire to--
Sarkycow: SHHHHHHHHH!! < canned laughter >
RooK: Then why are you here??
DVD: T' 'elp her wid winnin' the Emmy, o' course!
Nightlamp < staggering around à la James T. Kirk > Must...resist...fake...accent...
< canned Fans-of-Nightlamp Section cheers >
Sarkycow: HEY--if anyone is going to do any scenery-chewing around here, it's ME!
RooK: Can we please get back to the subject at hand??
Sarkycow < going back to the fluttering-eyelash routine >: Ah do declare, Mr. RooK, you're giving me the vapours--
RooK: Oh, cut it out, you Susan Lucci-wannabe! < canned laughter > Now, do think it's Gene Rob--
Everyone Else: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! < canned hysterics... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: We're getting nowhere!
DVD: Cheer up, guv'ner--when I'm feeling all sixes and sevens, I just sing a little song--
RooK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
< Music strikes up >
Nightlamp: It's too late!
DVD < dancing around >: Supercalifragilisticexpiali-DO-cious...
RooK: I'm gonna puke!
Sarkycow: Shut up, this is fun! < starts singing along > Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious...
< She and DVD start doing a high-kicking routine, generating canned cheers and whistles >
Sarkycow: I'LL GET THAT EMMY YET!...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Icarus Coot rushes in >
IC: Sarkycow, I've been a fool! < kneels > Will you marry me?
Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWW..
Sarkycow: Oh, Icarus, I want to say "Yes!" But...there's something you should know...
< Sappy music plays >
Voiceover: On a very special "Oh, That Sarkycow--"
RooK: THAT DOES IT! Someone call me when we're back to determining a Christian-or-Anti-Christian-celebrity! < flounces off >
DVD: Blimey, that feller's off the twist!...
Nightlamp: Maybe a shipmate poll will give us a clue.
Sarkycow: Maybe...but...what about my secret? < bites knuckle melodramatically while sappy music plays again... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
finally getting to sit down and catch up on the only soap opera I follow... thank goodness I don't need standard A/V equipment to "see" episodes I've missed!
How can we ever wait to learn her secret?
Did she secretly aid and abet the underground rebellion in a third-world country? Is she really pulling the strings on the most convincing sock-puppet? Or is she...
*other friends in home-viewing audience throw pillows at J, in an attempt to make her sit still and be quiet, like a good little girl™*
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
No, the secret is that she has a even more evil twin. and she is the nice one in the family.
*shudder*
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
IC < manfully >: Sarkycow, I know I can deal with any secret you have.
Sarkycow: Well...Icarus...I HAVE FLAT FEET! < starts sobbing; canned hysterics >
IC: ...I..think I can live with that--
Sarkycow: No, no!--when we're man and wife, I'll have to...take off my shoes at some point...Oh, Icarus, they're HIDEOUS! < sobs again; canned laughter >
IC: I don't care! I'm marrying you, not your feet--although...wearing a pair of Heaven's fuzzy bunny slippers in the privacy of our home probably would make you less self-conscious. < canned laughter >
Sarkycow < after the briefest of grimaces >: Oh, Icarus, you're so wonderful! < they embrace >
Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW...
< A fanfare suddenly sounds. Ruth, Laura, Viola, and Hooker's Trick enter in solemn procession, with RooK scurrying after them holding a fanfare-playing boombox. He shuts the boombox off, cutting off the fanfare without warning. Canned laughter >
DVD: Oi, who are the tony folk??
< RooK, Nightlamp, and Sarkycow, and IC genuflect >
R/N/S/I: Accept our unworthy tribute, O Admins. < canned titters >
Laura: O Hellhosts, in mercy for your pitiful existence, we grant thee a boon--
Ruth: We shall allow you gaze upon the anonymous celebrity--
Hooker's Trick: You may have suspected...
Viola: Allow us to introduce--
All four: Satan himself!
Laugh track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
< Nightlamp, RooK, Sarkycow, and IC tremble in anxiety >
< Simon Jenkins enters. Canned hysterics >
N/R/S/I: YOU???
Simon: It's always the last person you'd suspect, isn't it?... < canned laughter >
[ 14. November 2003, 02:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
DVD: Wait now, wasn't that line used in The Simp--
< Simon points at DVD, who disappears in a puff of smoke; canned laughter >
Simon: Sorry to make you jump through all these hoops just to get the Board tidied up, but, I am The Prince of Darkness, after all. < canned laughter >
Nightlamp: If I may ask, why are you revealing yourself?
Simon: Oh, secrecy doesn't matter much now--my Reign of Evil is coming soon enough, on...oh dear, where's my scheduler? I'm so bad at dates...< canned laughter > ...regardless, it's coming soon, and I'd like to thank all the unknowing minions on SoF for being such useful tools in trapping souls in Damnation.
RooK: Watchman was right!! < canned laughter and applause >
Sarkycow: This is too much! I don't think I can take any more surprises!
Simon: How ironic--you see...Sarkycow, I am your father! < canned hysterics >
RooK: Ooh, don't want to be at that family reunion! < canned laughter >
Sarkycow < in shock >: Well...if you're my father...< 180-degree turn to excited greed > can I have an Emmy? < canned hysterics >
Simon: Of course, my dear. < he snaps his fingers and an Emmy appears in Sarkycow's hands > This is the one Courtney Cox was supposed to finally get. < Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Wow, thanks Dad! < canned laughter >
Simon: There's no doubt of your paternity, my dear. < canned laughter > Well, I'll be seeing you all again soon enough...carry on. < exits with Admins to canned laughter and applause >
Nightlamp: ...Wow...I don't anything will ever top what just happened.
RooK: Does that mean this was the Series Finale?
Sarkycow: Who cares?? I GOT AN EMMY!! < kisses it > I'd like to thank my father and Satan and--oops, same person, tee-hee... < canned laughter and applause >
CURTAIN
[Acceptance speech added]
[ 14. November 2003, 12:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
I'd like to thank my screenwriter, Bel. Everyone charge your glasses:
To Bel!
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Cheers!
I'm sure Icarus was the envy of all.
Now, haven't you got a hot stove to be slaving over? Kuche, Kinder, Kirche and all that.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< bows >
Your humble servant.
ETA: But where are my manners--kudos also to Arrietty, The Coot, soggy_amphibian*, Stoo*, Louise, RooK*, Miffy, and madkaren for their contributions.
* Also PM'd ideas
[ 15. November 2003, 03:55: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
By semi-popular request, we now bring...
Behind the Laughter: Oh, That Sarkycow
- How it all began
- The Rise of Heaven's Favorite Sitcom
- The Private and Not-So-Private Rivalries
- The Alternate Scenes and Moments Too Hot for Heaven
- Where are they now?
Narrator: It was the heady days of May 2003. Concerned about the growing perception that Hell was the new center of SoF creativity, writer/producer Belisarius pondered what to do...
Belisarius: ...it was time for the next big project. While wondering what genre to concentrate on, I realized that whether previous threads were ostensibly for spectacle < visual cue of The Miss SoF Pageant >, drama < visual cue of Heaven: The Soap Opera >, or even reality programming < visual cue of Smilie Sister 2 >, the comedic element kept creeping in. Then it hit me--"Of course! Do a sitcom!" But--who would be the lead?
Narrator: In a brilliant moment of inspiration, Belisarius turned his thoughts to both one of Heaven's harshest critics and a particular thread in Hell...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
...however they weren't available for the modest budget awarded to film the show by SoF Productions, a fledgling company with rumours of dodgy business dealings. So Bel went for the next best, Sarkycow!
<cut to a heavily pregnant Sarkycow, surrounded by small screaming children, cigarrette precariously perched in her lips, feeding a small dog milk from a baby bottle>
Sarkycow: Well, I immediately jumped at the chance, dahling, I simply adore old, sorry, young Bellyboy. And the rough pilot script he sent me, although it was handwritten on cheap toilet paper, was just so refreshing and ... well, earthy. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to come to grips with a part as big as this, so I relished the thought of it. Teas in the pot if you want some.
Narrator: So with a lead actress hired for the princely sum of a packet of TimTams and a ride in the producers SUV, the team could get started on writing the show, and who better to provide the inspiration for this sparklingly witty new sitcom than...
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
...John D. Miller, whose hilarious numerological threads are still fondly remembered by SoF veterans.
Belisarius: ...We were very excited. Successfully releasing a sitcom about Hell would be a major coup for Heaven, and we already had a built-in audience...
Narrator: The pilot was ready to be made. But who would play the co-star? Sarkycow recommended RooK < old Glamor Shots photo >, whom she had seen on Amateur Night at Chippendales. Not particularly caring one way or the other, the writers agreed.
< Cut to archival footage >
Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One
Belisarius: And...action!
< Sarkycow enters stage >
RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: "Morning" has seven letters, representing the seven days of Creation and Resting, but it has two vowels, representing the duality of Christ...
< Focus group sits silently >
Narrator: Belisarius had miscalculated the appeal of John D. Miller to younger viewers. Advertisers were unenthusiastic. What to do?
Belisarius: We went to our second choice for inspiration: Duchess's Magic 8-Ball...
< Cut to archival footage >
Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One
Belisarius: And...action!
< Sarkycow enters stage >
RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: KISS MY BIBLE, HEATHEN!! < smashes RooK in the face with steel-plated KJV >
< Focus group roars with laughter >
Belisarius: --and the reaction was incredible!
RooK < dressed as Harold Hill for a Dinner Theatre production of "The Music Man" >: It hurt like ****, but I knew we had a hit on our hands.
Narrator: The premiere date was set...but at the Eleventh hour--
Duchess: --All I wanted was my fair share of the residuals. Cheap bastards.
Belisarius: ...it always comes down to money in the end. Rather than delay the premiere in wrangling, we decided to start from scratch...
[ 17. November 2003, 20:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Belisarius (cont.): ... What to do? I was lounging in the Heavenly Hosts Pink Fluffy Bourdoir feeling a little bit dispirited, when Sarkycow walked in and proceeded to dry her hair langorously and intentionally. A flustered Icarus came mincing in. And it was:
'Ms Cow! Stop hogging that mirror! You took 40 minutes in the bathroom! This is our Boyz Space. I've got a hot date with Sine in 15 minutes, and I need to zhoozh myself up a bit!'
Quite entertaining really. I was rather tickled to hear Sarky reply:
'Oh **** off and die you vapid queen!'
A very edifying interchange:
'Oooo! Overworked Bed Whore on a Tasmanian-bound Slaveship!'
A plot started to gel in my mind.
[Edit: formatting]
[ 17. November 2003, 22:16: Message edited by: The Coot (Icarus) ]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Belisarius (cont.): The chemistry between them--somewhat adapted, of course--would be a major component of the series. It would have to wait, though, until we had a successful pilot episode.
Narrator: Belisarius asked for advice from his collegue, the respected dramaturge Stoo...
Stoo < in a black turtleneck and enthusiastically gesturing with a cigarillo in one hand >: The problem was that the series had to be more than about Hell--it had to be of Hell. Belisarius could not afford to cut corners--he needed perfomers with the proper sense memories to convey the whole Hell experience, make us believe it...
Narrator: Belisarius took Stoo's advice to heart. < Shot of Hellhost cast > Some incriminating photos helped bring trained Hellhost Nightlamp to the cast; The elusive David agreed to join after his contract promised him the right to eviscerate any guest star he didn't like. With time running out on its last chance, the creative team was forced to adopt an unconventional approach to finally bringing the pilot alive...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Stoo: We decided to take a quasi-improvisational approach so as to completely facilitate character-driven interaction--though some basic Method training was necessary for some of the players. < cut to photo of Stoo observing intensely while Sarkycow has sullenly taken an "I am a tree" pose >
Belisarius: Rather than rely on one theme, we stole--I mean, emulated ideas from various sources--ensemble-oriented shows like Newsradio, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Simpsons, The Jack Chick Variety Hour...
Narrator: And so a final pilot was cobbled together < Photo of OP action >. The action would take place in the Office of Hell, with Sarkycow being put in charge of a controversial thread...
Belisarius: That was the cornerstone--we needed a snappy thread title, but we were stumped--up to the day of shooting--
Narrator: But then, Belisarius noticed that the "Vicar Duped Me Into Having Sex" thread was about to be closed.
Belisarius: It hit me--"Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex!" Everything else fell into place...
Narrator: All that remained to figure out was the title.
Belisarius: We were going to have a play on a pre-existing title--dozens of them were being flung around--when suddenly Icarus flounced in after some new conflict with Sarky and announced "Ooh, that Sarkycow is such a bitch!" Oh, that Sarkycow. Q.E.D....
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: The rest, as they say, is history...
Stoo: I believe our success was due to the combination, unique in its time for a sitcom, of Steinbeckian morality and Post-War ambiguity, as embodied by the "innocent demon" of Sarkycow--though the Grand Guignol elements admittedly were a factor also...
RooK: The disembowelings. Definitely the disembowelings. If you didn't have Cable, this was the place for it.
Narrator: The buzz spread like wildfire. Before taping was concluded, celebrities like Erin (archive photo of her shooting a flamethrower) and RuthW (archive photo of her being crowned Miss Episcopalian Liberal 2001) agreed to make cameos. "Oh, That Sarkycow!" was a hit.
To continue the success achieved by the Pilot, Icarus Coot was about to be introduced--but as the wacky next-door neighbor.
Belisarius: Oh, yes--the comic twist in the original "Sarkycow's Blind Date" was that the date was Lifeman...
< cut to archival footage >
Sarkycow: < glances at sheet > ...Now, he should be at one of these tables and wearing an orange carnation--
< She sees Lifeman, still scalpless, sitting a table wearing an orange carnation. Canned hysterics >
Sarkycow < glancing down and realizing she's still wearing Lifeman's scalp as a cameo brooch > OH NO!! < more canned hysterics >
Narrator: Fate, however, would intervene...
[typo]
[ 01. December 2003, 18:24: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Stoo: You see, Lifeman made the mistake of many beginning performers not yet secure in their craft--crossing the line between "the play" and reality. His overtures to Sarkycow became a little too overt... < archival footage of an ambulance leaving the "Oh, That Sarkycow!" set >
Narrator: With the episode unfinished, the Production Staff took a gamble...
Sarkycow < taking a long drag >: Oh, yes, I thought Bellyboy had gone completely mad. I mean, me and Icarus?? But I suppose it worked out all right--NIGEL!! STAY AWAY FROM MUMMY'S "MEDICINE" OR I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: Despite the turmoil off-screen, audiences were charmed by Sarkycow and Icarus's on-screen chemistry < photo of Sarkycow-chasing-a-bikini-clad-Icarus scene >.
Icarus Coot < filing his nails >: Oh, I liked the challenge, I suppose, of pretending to like that beast, but, honestly, the tacky facade we had to keep up!
Narrator: The practically-obligatory public appearances and enemies made along the way only added to the strain...
< cut to archival footage of Sarkycow and IC waving at a crowd with set smiles. Suddenly screams are heard as people leap out of the way of a cleaver-brandishing Duchess >
Duchess: MY PILOT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AIRED!! LET'S SEE HOW FUNNY YOU ARE AS A PILE OF STEAK!!
< she lunges at Sarkycow, who whacks her away with her pitchfork. The crowd, now thinking the whole thing was staged, guffaws >
[Edit: name fixed for artistic purposes. Flounce.]
[ 04. December 2003, 20:43: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
What a nice surprise to see that Lifeman was brought back on the show for another cameo appearance....
Was this because by popular request from Lifeman's fans in America?
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
No, it's cause I wanted to flay you (aka do a Bad Willow™ ) one more time. I do so enjoy a good flaying. Especially of an idiot.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
Miss Cow,
I'm not sure that your taste for flagelation should be part of what I understand to be a family show. There's too much of this sort of thing on T.V.
I think that it would be good to see Lifeman on the show as a regular cameo comic slot (like Des O'Connor on the Morecombe and Wise show)
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Flagellation (note spelling) is different from flaying. Try reading a dictionary before throwing round long words which you obviously don't know the meaning of.
And you may appear regularly if I get to mock you mercilessly every week. Oh yeah, I do that already.
Sarkycow
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
Always a pleasure to appear on your show Miss Cow
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
I'd like to say the same thing.
Scratch that, I wouldn't.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
Come on Miss Cow,
You give everyone a fair crack of the whip....
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
Narrator: Initially Belisarius was not convinced about having co-writers involved in the process
<cut to Heavenly Boudoir - Belisarius grinding teeth at screen> :
Who the **** ******** **** is Arrietty and why is she posting on MY THREAD??????
Icarus Coot < filing his nails >: Take a chill pill, dude.
<cut to Icarus Coot in on-set caravan, drinking Brut Champagne and trying on leather studded dog collar>:
Quite frankly, and this may sound a teentsy, weentsy little bit ungrateful, I think it did Belly Boy good to have to deal with other writers chipping in. I had noticed - and so had my public - that he was a tiny teeny little tadlet prone to set all the scenes in Hell because he got a wee tiny almost microscopic little thrillicle out of writing about David stomping around and being masterful.......
Narrator: At the start, Arrietty claims she didn't realise what she was getting involved in
<cut to Arrietty in Barbara Cartland style evening dress and tiara>:
Of course, it's been lovely to have the recognition and get some of the rewards of success, but to be quite honest nothing could have been further from my thoughts when I decided to wade in. All I wanted to do was to help dear darling Bel. I know there are those who say <laughs girlishly> that it wouldn't even have run to two pages without my contribution, but I couldn't possibly comment......I'm sure he would have managed without me eventually. The unpleasant private messages? Oh, I took those in my stride.
<cut to Belisarius staring at computer screen in amazement>:
What the hell is an asshat's asshat and why is she calling me one?
Icarus: Well, darling, it's just a guess, but sending a PM telling her where to put her 'so called wit' might just have sparked off a bit of a reaction.....
Narrator: Stoo was also drawn into the team
<cut to Stoo shaving with his cutlass>:
Aaarh! Harrr! Oh arr! Any friend of Icarus' be a friend of mine, matey!!!!
No, but seriously - I consider Oh That Sarky Cow to be one of the defining moments of post-millennial, post-modern, post-ironic iconography.
<pause> Or was that Postman Pat?
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: The tension grew still more. While struggles for creative control raged, jealousy grew between cast members. Egos flared--
< cut to out-take >
Sarkycow < to RooK >: YOU DID IT WRONG AGAIN, YOU *****!!
Stoo < wearily >: Sarkycow, you must channel your energy constructively, or you'll destroy the ensemble we've worked so hard to synthesize--
Sarkycow: OH, SHUT UP! I DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAP ANYMORE! I'M A ****** STAR NOW!! THIS ****** SHOW IS NOTHING WITHOUT ME, DO YOU HEAR??? NOTHING!!!!!!!
By the end of the third episode RooK was making public statements complaining of favoritism and was secretly planning what would become Puppet Fights in retaliation. In a desperate effort to keep Sarkycow under control, Belisarius and Stoo integrated themselves into the cast in Episode 4.
Belisarius: Fortunately, the episode was Heaven-centered, so our integration was pretty smooth...
[Link added]
[ 22. January 2004, 21:10: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: Whether because of or in spite of this intervention, it was the start of what many consider to be the series's peak.
Chastmastr: The Arrietty-Belisarius tension gave the scripts complexity, and Sarkycow was at her most lovable. It was great time to participate--
Narrator: --but the tightrope rose higher and higher.
Chastmastr: --it couldn't last forever. I think the show started Jumping the Shark in "Overtime in Hell"--that's when Sarkycow's character started getting nasty...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
<Janine wanders by with a huge whipped-cream-topped coffee concoction in hand, after weeks and months of Not Looking At The Show... and hears:>
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
...Chastmastr: --it couldn't last forever. I think the show started Jumping the Shark in "Overtime in Hell"--that's when Sarkycow's character started getting nasty...
<She jerks, astonished, snorts a bit of coffee down 'the wrong way', and blinks, a dollop of whipped cream on the tip of her nose...>
<hak koff wheeeze> "Started getting nasty?"
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Belisarius: I'm afraid Sarkycow's character started reflecting her growing megalomania...
RooK: You should have heard what she really wanted to do with Holycow--and she was playing her through trick photography! Let's just say my nur--ahem--girlfriend would have had a dissertational Field Day with Sarky.
Narrator: Then the final blow came. Frustrated over not having eviscerated anyone, David abruptly left the show...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
<David is in silhouette. He is chain smoking. His voice has been digitally altered.>
David: It's not true, you know, what they say. There were no artistic differences.
<Cut to 'noddy' shot of interviewer, nodding vigorously, obviously filmed later.>
<Cut back to David, his cigarette much smaller than in the last shot>
David: I mean, I loved that show. I loved Rookie and Nightie. (Sobbing) I even loved Sarky Cow.....
Interviewer: But there were some artistic differences, weren't there?
David: OK, yes. All I wanted was to make a pilot for my show what I wrote, Simon's Angels.....'Once upon a time, there were three little cows who went to Erin's Finishing School for Hellhosts....' But they took her away!
Interviewer: Who did they take away, David? Sarky cow?
David: Nooooo, Snobby Cow... I loved my Snobby Cow - but Tomb got in there first, and when they split up, she left!
Interviewer: So the artistic differences were...?
David: Everyone said I would have made a lovely Bosley. Belisarius promised to help me enlarge my part.
<Cut to archive footage of Tomb, outside Hell office, besieged by press photographers>
Tomb: I have no more to say. I did not have afternoon tea with that woman. I mean cow.
Narrator: Despite his speedy denial, Tomb never full recovered from the scandal. A broken man, he sought solace in his organ.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
I was just thinking what a good idea it would be to write in a part for Lifeman in the next episode - perhaps seeing Lifeman stuck in a lift with Sarkycow? or maybe Sarky and Lifeman bump into each other at a Pole dancing club?
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lifeman:
or maybe Sarky and Lifeman bump into each other at a Pole dancing club?
What a good idea. Since it was you who came up with it, maybe you should head off to Krakow and see if you can find a suitable dancing club...
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
Marvin,
I was actually meaning Pole Dancing as opposed to dancing in a Polish Club.
For the record, I was in Krakow last September and didn't visit any Pole Dancing clubs.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
My mistake
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: ...the stresses and scandals were taking their final toll. A shorter format was experimented with < photo clip of Pyx_e as Happycalf with Sarkycow screaming >, but the inevitable was admitted--the show could not go on.
Belisarius: Yes, announcing to the remaining cast that the series would not be renewed was a sad day--Sarkycow didn't take it well--
< Security Camera archive shows Sarkycow lurching down the hall with an empty whiskey bottle >
Sarkycow: I'LL KILL THEM!! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!!
< she throws the bottle against the wall, shattering it, and then slowly slides to the floor >
Sarkycow < moaning >: They're all against me...
Narrator: Others took the news better--
IC < sipping a cosmoplitan > I had already gotten a fabulous write-up for my mini-episode, so my panties weren't in a bunch, thank you...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: The final episode, was well received; Oh, That Sarkycow! was able to retire gracefully--in the nick of time.
RooK: Fortunately, Sarky was able to pull herself together one last time--though I'm glad I didn't have to be the one to keep buttering her up or keep saying "No, that take was wonderful, really, it was" or make sure her drinks were cold enough and that there was no lint on her trailer couch.
Coot: < deadpan >: "Sarkycow, I've been a fool! Will you marry me?" < bursts into giggling hysterics >
Simon: My part was supposed to be bigger orginally, but Sarkycow wouldn't hear of it. < sighing > I thought it best to avoid a scene...
Belisarius: It would have been possible to extend the suspense on Sarkycow's "secret," or have it be less pedestrian, but what with other posters reluctant to work with Sarkycow after certain...incidents...we quit while we were ahead.
Narrator: After the final episode wrapped, the fates of the cast members were varied...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
I was wondering if there are any plans for a re-run of the original series of 'Oh, that Sarky Cow'?
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator < Cont. > ...defying all her former associates, Sarkycow immediately attempted to launch a spin-off...
Sarkycow < doing the ironing >: I suppose I could have come up with a different title than Watch My Show, You Pathetic Mouth-Breathing Gits, but everyone said they wanted edgy! < starts sniffling > The World is so hard on us artistic types...
Narrator: This rank failure, however, allowed her to meet her future husband, the director Alan Smithee.
Sarkycow: Oh, no, I don't miss Show Biz at all--I'm finally finding complete emotional and spiritual fulfillment in my family--TREVOR, I SAID STOP IT AND I MEANT IT!! < throws ladle >
[ 10. February 2004, 21:34: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: Of the remaining original cast, Icarus Coot has maintained the highest profile, going on to host SoF's Cast Iron Chefs < cue photo of IC ringing the Gong of Fate >, while the rest have quietly returned to their former lives. All agree, however, that Oh, That Sarkycow! was the experience of a lifetime.
Stoo: It pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in Heaven--
Arrietty: Oh, That Sarkycow! was a cathartic cleansing of our collective psyche--a cosmic enema, if you will.
RooK: The show took the predjudice away from disemboweling and made people realize there is nothing shameful about this beautiful, natural, act, and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Sarkycow: ...for once in my life, it was all about me.
< FADE OUT >
NEXT ON "BEHIND THE LAUGHTER:" THE RECIPE THREAD
[Link updated]
[ 03. May 2004, 02:58: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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