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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Scene 5: The Census Cometh
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
Well, in the spirit of the census, I've been counting.
It turns out, I have lots of money, loads of slaves, more than a few concubines and one very evil nature.
Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.
Must've lost them somewhere along the way.
Along with your marbles. Now get out of my house. I'm trying to fill out this form, and having evil kings poncing about the place doesn't help.
Mary, do you remember what my blood type is?
O?
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Director
Nativity Play
# 3664
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*
mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........
![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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Miffy
Posts: 109 | From: Her physiotherapist's couch | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
(as in, O, Joseph! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Love]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif) )
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Herod
Nativity Play
# 3649
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Wow - Mary, we crack the same jokes. We MUST be meant for one another!
Yes. They say fools never differ, don't they.
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#I'm Herod the Great, I am, I am.#
Stoo
Posts: 159 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Director
Nativity Play
# 3664
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
(as in, O, Joseph! )
![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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Miffy
Posts: 109 | From: Her physiotherapist's couch | Registered: Dec 2002
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep
Nativity Play
# 3667
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Posted
Bored with all this lovey-duvey stuff, Rudolph finishes his snack and wanders off stage, looking to see if anyone has a TV, maybe a football match is on.
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I may be just a purple sheep with a funny nose, but ThatsMrJuice 2U!
Posts: 110 | From: The Sheep Shed | Registered: Dec 2002
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Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
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Posted
*gets up*
I've just had the most awful nightmare...
*starts playing 'I'm Still Standing'*
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ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*
mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........
Bah! Get out you filthy animal!
Good job I bought half a dozen more shirts... well, they were on special offer you know.
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Stable Cat
Nativity Play
# 3657
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Posted
*stable cat, affronted, hacks a large hairball all over the ironing*
ackkkkk....ackkkkkk....ackkkkk
*then stalks off in affronted dignaty to hiding place in rafters*
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nicolemrw says "meow!"
Posts: 85 | From: the stable | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
"O", eh? Oh.
Or "OAO", even! ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Anyway, thanks, I'll write it in. Are you sure you don't want to call the evil twin "Cyril"? I think it would be a better name. Although I suppose if it's a girl that might be a bit awkward...
Ah, what the heck. In the absence of ultrasound, we'll just go with the assumption that it's a boy. So, let's see...
"Unborn Children - List In Bold Type Below"
That's JESUS - J-E-S-U-S
and CYRIL - C-Y-R-I-L
There.
Taps Mary's pregnant bump.
Hear that, kid? We're calling you Cyril!
By the way, Mary, I've been meaning to ask - you don't mind me talking to them like this, do you?
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Director
Nativity Play
# 3664
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
quote:
Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*
mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........
Bah! Get out you filthy animal!
Good job I bought half a dozen more shirts... well, they were on special offer you know.
*Shakes head sorrowfully*
Slippery slope you know.. ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif) And so young, too.
*Whispers into the wings* I haven't any of this down in my script. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Miffy
Posts: 109 | From: Her physiotherapist's couch | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Well, now you come to mention it Joe, darling....
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, now you come to mention it Joe, darling....
Oh, I knew you'd approve!
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Looks at Joseph....
Well actually....
Thinks better of it, after all, he's taken the news about the babies so well, and is even getting a bit paternal towards them, and he hasn't even mentioned the phone bill
...well, actually, Joseph darling, would you like me to get you a coffee while you're filling in those terrible forms?
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
...well, actually, Joseph darling, would you like me to get you a coffee while you're filling in those terrible forms?
Actually, a nice cup of Earl Grey is what I want right now. Two sugars, skimmed milk. And a Digestive, if you can rustle one up.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Watches Mary walk out.
{sotto voce}
And then we'll have a chat about the phone bill.
![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Smiles serenely at her beloved Joseph and exits stage left, hoping against hope that the green room is open and she can get a cuppa for Joseph without having to make it herself.
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
Whistles "Bob The Builder".
Takes a furtive look at cunningly-concealed wristwatch.
Turns to wings.
OI, MARY, WANNA HURRY UP WITH THAT TEA?
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Suddenly remembers she is not supposed to be having a chat in the green room with the fairy Godmother, and races back onstage with a cup of lukewarm Earl Grey and a packet of digestives
There you go my lovely...
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Angel 1
Nativity Play
# 3661
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Posted
what is it with tea around here, doesn't anyone ever drink coffee?
(mines a de-caff ta.)
A
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Jenny Ann smiles sweetly
Posts: 100 | From: Heaven/bethlehem/the angelic dressing room/on stage | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 1:
what is it with tea around here, doesn't anyone ever drink coffee?
(mines a de-caff ta.)
A
You can get your own!
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
Thanks dear. Now, there's something I've been meaning to ask you about.
Picks up first sheet of 300-page phone bill.
Why, exactly, are there over two hundred charges here for texts to - and I quote - "the Celestial Kingdom"?
Do you have any idea how much such long-distance (we're talking crossing metaphysical barriers here) texting costs?
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Ah
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Angel 1
Nativity Play
# 3661
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Posted
Honestly, you try and help with the packing, shoo sheep away, get injured for your troubles and mess up the horizontal scroll once then no one will get you a drink and no one likes you anymore.
walks away muttering evil throughts about exact purity of mary to herself
A
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Jenny Ann smiles sweetly
Posts: 100 | From: Heaven/bethlehem/the angelic dressing room/on stage | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ah
"Ah"? Is that it?! "Ah"?! "Ah" is not going to pay the bill, my sweet.
"Ah" is not even going to explain the bill.
Frankly, "ah" is no response at all.
We'll postpone discussion of this until after the birth, though. I don't want the babies getting upset.
Taps pregnant bump.
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Evil Henchman
Nativity Play
# 3705
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.
Must've lost them somewhere along the way.
Boss, don't you remember? You traded them in ten years ago for some extra slaves. You said they weren't any use to you whereas you could always do with extra skivvies.
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I've left my toasting fork with my alternate personality Sarkycow.
Posts: 118 | From: The Guardhouse | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ah
"Ah"? Is that it?! "Ah"?! "Ah" is not going to pay the bill, my sweet.
"Ah" is not even going to explain the bill.
Frankly, "ah" is no response at all.
We'll postpone discussion of this until after the birth, though. I don't want the babies getting upset.
Taps pregnant bump.
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!
Serenely bites her lip and modestly unfurls the curled fist which was hidden behind her back. Joseph is, after all, trying his best.....
Have you phoned that hotel yet?
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Have you phoned that hotel yet?
No, good point. I must do that soon. Can't have us just turning up and finding no room at the Plaza!
First, though, I think it's time I treated you to something. You've been working yourself far too hard. Honestly, I wish you'd stop dashing about, trying to do everything. I know you're keen to make me comfortable, but I'm an active man - let me do things! Laziness is anathema to me.
Anyway, what do you say to a nice plate of my pappardelle with lobster, butter and spinach hearts?
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Oh Joseph!
(See Miffy... I told you so he wasn't an MCP really ![[Razz]](tongue.gif) )
But actually, I think I'd rather have a honey and gherkin sandwich if you wouldn't mind, my sweet.
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Oh Joseph!
(See Miffy... I told you so he wasn't an MCP really )
But actually, I think I'd rather have a honey and gherkin sandwich if you wouldn't mind, my sweet.
Hmmm... well, I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of preparing one of those.
But if it'll make you feel better, why not?
(Oh, and what does "MCP" stand for? )
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Oh...er... nothing my sweet. Just something the Director said earlier... Nothing to worry your handsome manly head about, you have too much to concentrate on as it is with those horrid census forms.
Now, are we all ready for the journey?
As Joseph leaves to prepare a light snack, Mary suddenly has a thought
It's a shame trains haven't been invented yet. I wonder whether Joseph's thought about transport. I bet he has, I'm sure he'll have booked me a sedan-taxi, he's so thoughtful like that.
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
Enter stage left, with aforementioned sandwich - no thanks to the apparently absent stage director. Pah.
Ready for the journey? Looks like it, doesn't it? I've asked Isaac from number 5 to water the plants while we're gone. We're taking the cat with us. The bags are packed. Passports in my pocket. Let's see... anything else?
No, I don't think so!
Oh, I'd better go check on Flossy before going to bed. You're ok with riding my donkey all the way to Bethlehem, right?
Exit stage right, humming "Wonderful World".
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Jesus' evil twin
Nativity Play
# 3702
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!
You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?
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Erin (of course)
Posts: 54 | From: my own room (finally!) | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Donkey???? ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Oh Joseph, darling... you are such a tease! I nearly fell for that one!
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!
You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?
Yes, or I'll put your head in a vice and make you believe it.
Your choice.
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Donkey????
Oh Joseph, darling... you are such a tease! I nearly fell for that one!
Err... yes! Exactly! Just a little joke!
![[Embarrassed]](icon_redface.gif)
{sotto voce}
What did she expect? A limousine? Gah.
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Well Joe dearest, you'd better take the bags out and pack them in the lim... er....on the donkey ![[Wink]](wink.gif) and I'll do a packed lunch for on the way. How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far?
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
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Jesus' evil twin
Nativity Play
# 3702
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Yes, or I'll put your head in a vice and make you believe it.
Your choice.
Go for it, old man.
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Erin (of course)
Posts: 54 | From: my own room (finally!) | Registered: Dec 2002
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Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
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Posted
Well, it's a bit of stretch. But nothing compared to the stretching needed to give birth to twins!
Ok, I can tell from your face that didn't go down too well. Must learn to reign in my comic genius.
Anyway, everything's ready. I'm exhausted.
Turns to pregnant bump.
I'll deal with you later, kiddo.
Lays out on bed.
![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
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Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
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Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
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Posted
Serenely covers the sleeping Joseph with a blanket, tiptoes out and heads home to walk herself home to her parents' house down the lane. Well, don't forget she's pure and virginal!
I'm sure there was something we still had to remember to do...
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Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
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Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
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Posted
*sings in awful howl, reminisent of the cat* Tomorroooow, tomorroooow, it's donkey, tomorroooooow...
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ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
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Stable Cat
Nativity Play
# 3657
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Posted
*safe in her rafter perch, the cat, rather encouraged by the line about taking the cat, joins in the singing*
mmmmrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwww..........
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nicolemrw says "meow!"
Posts: 85 | From: the stable | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tealady
Nativity Play
# 3713
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Posted
Arrives with large mobile Gaggia espresso machine on a motorised trolley
Sorry I'm late, dearies, me arthritis is playin up summat rotten. One large decaff latte for Angel 1. Anything else? And I've lost a packet of Earl Grey somewhere...
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The tealady's coffee-grinder is a Spong...
Posts: 20 | From: Tea trolley | Registered: Dec 2002
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Passer-by 3
Nativity Play
# 3711
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Posted
[Enter stage left, showing signs of having had a drink. Exit stage right, still showing those same aforementioned signs]
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(W)
Posts: 30 | From: The Wings | Registered: Dec 2002
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Sheep 3
Nativity Play
# 3663
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Posted
[Sheep 3 follows Passer-by 3 across the stage.]
Baaaaaaa.
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jlg the sheep
Posts: 278 | From: lost in a pasture | Registered: Dec 2002
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Angel 3
Nativity Play
# 3687
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 follows Passer-by 3 across the stage.]
Baaaaaaa.
(Angel 3 enters. She is wearing her pinstriped robes and carrying a large briefcase. She opens the briefcase and out pops a full sized office suite, complete with leather bound law books and a large filing cabinet. She sits down behind a splendid marble desk. A sign appears in mid-air "ANGEL 3 Consultancy Services. All Questions Answered")
Baaaaah indeed. O Tealady - one of your coffees with double Scotch medicine, please.
(She picks up a census form left behind by Joseph. It is the thickness of a telephone book and the size of a tablecloth.)
Joseph's filled in some of this. Nosy old bugger, Herod - wants everything from Joseph's inside leg measurement to his bank account details. Can't see why Herod wants the former. Bank account details make more sense, but there won't be much left of it after Joseph pays the phone bill. Then there's the following:
"139 X: Give names of good looking daughters staying at your house tonight and their measurements. If no good looking daughters, go to question 140Y. If no daughters go to question 150Z. If children under the age of two years go to question 160Q. If no children at all go to question 165Q If children still unborn go to question 170B.
160Q: List names and locations of all children under the age of two years staying at your house tonight. If no children at all go to question 165Q If children still unborn go to question 170B.
170B. List names and expected birthdates of all unborn children staying at your house tonight.
Look, he's answered this one:
Jesus, the Messiah and King of the Jews - 25th December
Jesus' evil twin, Cyril Letitia - 25th December
Go to question 170C.
170C. Please state location of all unborn children staying at your house on or about 25th December, this year.
Bethlehem, in Judea. Small inn next to the "Angel Arms" pub or in stable if no room at the inn."
I think I'll take this with me for safekeeping.
( She finishes her coffee, tips the Tealady and clicks her fingers. The office folds itself up back into her briefcase. She picks it up and flies off upstage right.)
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The artist usually known as Duo Seraphim
"Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est."
Posts: 76 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Dec 2002
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Sheep 3
Nativity Play
# 3663
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Posted
[Sheep 3 enters and sniffs around area where Angel 3's office was set up. Finds some pieces of paper left behind, which she eats.]
Baaaaaaaaa.
[Exits stage left to settle in with the camels again and sleep.]
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jlg the sheep
Posts: 278 | From: lost in a pasture | Registered: Dec 2002
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Techie1
Nativity Play
# 3688
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*safe in her rafter perch, the cat, rather encouraged by the line about taking the cat, joins in the singing*
mmmmrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwww..........
A low growl begins from the sound booth.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....GRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
<stage whisper>
Rags... no... what are you growling at??? Oh damn, the stable cat... What's he doing up here???
GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUFF...
BAROOOOO!!! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
A flash of white leaps from the sound booth toward the cat's perch in the rafters....
Mrrrrrowrrrrrr?
Barrrooooooooooof! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Barrrooooooooooooooo!
Marrrrrowrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Pfffft! Mrowrrrr!
Black and white fur flies and floats down onto the stage.
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seeing lights? hearing voices? i can help with that...mysticlisa
Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
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Posted
'It's Oh So Quiet' - Björk version...
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ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
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Baby Jesus
Nativity Play
# 3729
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!
You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?
*Baby Jesus smiles sweetly to self, resisting the impulse to snigger - after all, that wouldn't be very holy now, would it. Cyril! *
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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Few people know that Beethoven's daughter is really the Son of God!
Posts: 13 | From: the manger | Registered: Dec 2002
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Narrator
Nativity Play
# 3680
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Posted
Have you been paying attention?
Mary's in the family way
- So off to hear what Liz would say.
Liz replied, "I'm pregnant too,
And six months further gone than you."
Wise men from a land afar
Then set off to seek a star.
Their chosen transport, bike and bus,
Which made the camel driver cuss.
Joseph listened to the tale
And downed another can of ale.
Then Mary went and had a bathe
While Joseph showed us his new lathe
(Steve Tomkins thinks that Mary's chic
He's got the hots, says his critique)
An angel then put all things right
Which brings us to the scene last night.
Joseph's got a tax return
With a warning very stern,
"To the town of David's line
Go at once or face a fine."
They're ready now to hit the road
Can the donkey bear the load?
The trouble is, as off they go,
The Christmas traffic's always slow.
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Chapelhead
Posts: 90 | From: Prompt corner | Registered: Dec 2002
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