|
Source: (consider it)
|
Thread: Scene 5: The Census Cometh
|
Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
|
Posted
Inland Revenue P45 and CIS25 Form Registration Closing Date: 24th December
So the Wise Guys have sped off in search of the Star (and some decent gags) and Mary is Christmas shopping. In the meantime, Joseph receives an important letter...
--------------------
ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Narrator
Nativity Play
# 3680
|
Posted
Mr Joseph Carpenter
The Workshop
Artisan Street
Nazareth
Dear Mr Carpenter
Great Caesar Augustus
Has made a decree
That all of the world
Must pay him a fee.
In order to do this
He’s passed a new law
Back to your home town
You must withdraw.
It says it quite clearly
In paragraph three
Clause number twelve
Subsection D.
You have to be present
And the census form sign
In the ancestral city
Of your family line.
You will be fined
If you do not obey
Caesar’s instruction
By Christmas Day.
Yours sincerely
Matthew Levi
Imperial Inspector of Taxes
PS
If you think this is bad
Just wait and see.
Our next cunning plan’s
The taxation of tea.
--------------------
Chapelhead
Posts: 90 | From: Prompt corner | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Evil Henchman
Nativity Play
# 3705
|
Posted
Evil Henchman strides in and blows a loud whistle
Alright you horrible lot, listen up.
Shut up Martha.
Herod knows where you liven already. But now he's decided he wants to know a lot more about you - how many bathrooms; who doesn't worship him; what your average monthly income is; grandfather's name (if your mother wasn't sure, put "I am the child of the village bike").
And, because Herod is an evil bastard, there's an extra twist. You must all go back to the town of your tribe to hand the census forms in ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Form an orderly queue here for forms. And don't sneak off John, or I'll have to burn your house down.
Henchman begins handing out forms and ticking people off her list
--------------------
I've left my toasting fork with my alternate personality Sarkycow.
Posts: 118 | From: The Guardhouse | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
|
Posted
time for some 'Carmina Burana' methinks...
--------------------
ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Dashes onstage muttering apologies for tardiness.
Ay carumba! What's this? A census? Good grief, how bad.
Oh, and a henchman too!
Gosh!
Looks around, trying to work out what on earth's going on.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Herod
Nativity Play
# 3649
|
Posted
<Enters stage left, reading from a papyrus>
It seems that Augustus has decreed that a census must take place. God, the man's a fool. Does he think I have nothing better to do than count people?
Honestly, I have slaves to whip, orgies to organise, and sheep, angels and an incredibly annoying cat of which to dispose. Where does he think I'll find the time to do this too?
Boy!
<a slave boy enters>
Pass this on to Quirrinus at the Department of Boring. Should keep him busy for a while.
<Herod screws up the papyrus and throws it at the slave boy who scrambles to pick it up and runs off>
Now... about that bloody cat...
<Exits stage right>
--------------------
#I'm Herod the Great, I am, I am.#
Stoo
Posts: 159 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
*receives papyrus from panic stricken slave boy backstage, and places it on props table.
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Well, I suppose I'd better get packing.
*ahem*
Pack. As in, with a suitcase. Yes, a suitcase would certainly be useful...
Waits for prop to appear.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
Voici! suitcase.
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
now I suppose he's wanting some stuff to pack in the suitcase....i have no walk on character to be waiting on Joe hand and foot!
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Angel 1
Nativity Play
# 3661
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
sheep, angels and an incredibly annoying cat of which to dispose.
surely not disposing of angels?!
A
--------------------
Jenny Ann smiles sweetly
Posts: 100 | From: Heaven/bethlehem/the angelic dressing room/on stage | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
alrighty then.
(Pretending to be slave girl...walks onstage...)
Master, you'll need to be packing soon, so I brought all your things. Do you need aftershave?
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Snatches suitcase.
Gosh, a glamorous trip to Bethlehem. Mary's going to be pretty annoyed. Well, I'd better start packing... hmmm... let's see now.
I'll need:
my BJT 123 iron jack/smoothing plane with wooden handle
my XZ45 double open end chrome plated carbon steel spanner
my BJ1370 push-type grease gun
my Block'n'Griffin quick-action G-clamp
Well, that should be enough for now. Might chuck in a couple of shirts too - although the BVM really should have ironed these better.
I wonder what she's up to?
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep
Nativity Play
# 3667
|
Posted
Rudolph on phone with his lawyer. If Herod is thinking of disposing of the sheep, he's gonna have to deal with a lawsuit from the SPCA, PETA, and Mutton Anti-Defamation League.
--------------------
I may be just a purple sheep with a funny nose, but ThatsMrJuice 2U!
Posts: 110 | From: The Sheep Shed | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Herod
Nativity Play
# 3649
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Rudolph on phone with his lawyer. If Herod is thinking of disposing of the sheep, he's gonna have to deal with a lawsuit from the SPCA, PETA, and Mutton Anti-Defamation League.
I think you'll find he owns them. (at least the Palestinian versions)
One of the many advantages of being corrupt.
--------------------
#I'm Herod the Great, I am, I am.#
Stoo
Posts: 159 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
And yes, slavegirl, I want aftershave too. Get the tools first, though.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
I'll need:
my BJT 123 iron jack/smoothing plane with wooden handle
my XZ45 double open end chrome plated carbon steel spanner
my BJ1370 push-type grease gun
my Block'n'Griffin quick-action G-clamp
Well, that should be enough for now. Might chuck in a couple of shirts too - although the BVM really should have ironed these better.
All are available on the props table. Please pick them up on your next exit stage left. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Mary, wrapped up in a blue coat with matching pale blue scarf and woolly hat, struggles onto the stage, carrying ten packed carrier bags which she deposits on the floor with a sigh
Well, whoever would have thought I'd have caught an earlier camel-train home? Thank goodness for that.. my feet are killing me. Kicks off blue suede shoes Hey Joseph, I have saved a fortune. Look at this little layette - Father Christmas babygro, booties, hat and bib - two for the price of one, which was handy. And this little suitcase was on special offer - I thought it might come in handy for the honeymoon. What do you think? Oh, and I saw this lovely blue dress in the maternity department in.... er...Joe? What's wrong??? You look harrassed?
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Exits stage left.
Slaps stage manager.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
And yes, slavegirl, I want aftershave too. Get the tools first, though.
reconsiders. . .. onstage actresses are in a higher pay grade than stage managers.
Joseph, sir. Here are the tools you require, freshly ironed shirts, and your favorite aftershave, Manly Man.
Anything else?
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Runs onstage.
No, thanks, that'll be quite enough, you smelly little slavegirl.
Shoves stage manager offstage.
Mary! Dearest! What a wonderful little assortment of things. I'm afraid I have some bad news, though. You see, an angel has informed me that I am to bear a child...
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Not you too???? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
No, I'm just being silly. Seriously though, take a look at this letter...
Hands BVM letter.
It's not great timing, I know, what with the little sprogs about to pop out and all. But doesn't look like we get much of a say in the matter.
Oh, and iron some shirts, wench. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
You've got to be joking? This can't be true???
Oh Joseph, however are we going to cope? travel all the way to Bethlehem??? It's no good, we can't go. I have an antenatal class on Tuesday, I'm having my hair done Friday and I've booked a massage on Saturday morning. There's nothing for it. You'll just have to write to him and say we can't go. I'm pregnant!
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Oh, and funny you should mention shirts, darling.. I got these - if you bought two, you got 30% off. I thought they were a real bargain.
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
in a stage whisper to Mary...
He was complaining about your ironing before you arrived. You'll be wanting this flatiron. Be careful, it's hot! ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
The shirts are great! Apart from the pink one. You can take that back. I'll be damned if I'm going to walk around town looking like a wooft...
Stops mid-word. Glances nervously at disapproving Director.
Anyway, as I was saying, it might give the wrong impression.
Oh, and the trip is non-negotiable. Pregnant or no, we all have to go. So get packing!
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
In a stage whisper to chief stage manager
Complaining about my ironing??? OUCH! MY FINGER!
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
Yes, he was. And far be it from me to gossip, but he slapped me backstage. He's one to look out for, that Joseph. Careful. Both of him and the iron.
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
You don't like the pink? I rather liked the thought of you in pink. It'd complement my blue dress perfectly, and it accentuates that little dimple in your cheek that I love so much... the one your beard just doesn't quite cover...
Ahem.. packing?
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Yes, packing! I've got the suitcase out - now put in my things, your things, the babies' things, and the cat.
Don't forget the cat.
We may get peckish en route.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Er, darling, this suitcase seems to have been confused with your toolbox. I'll just put these things in the workshop for you and get a few clothes together. WOuld you put the kettle on for me, dearest, I'm dying for a drink and a sit down.
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
Erm, Virgin sweetest... those tools are coming with us. And I'm not lugging my lead toolbox around Palestine just so you can shove a couple of extra dresses in. One dress will be quite enough for you.
I'll go and make some tea. Am I not merciful?
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Angel 1
Nativity Play
# 3661
|
Posted
does anyone need any help packing?
A
--------------------
Jenny Ann smiles sweetly
Posts: 100 | From: Heaven/bethlehem/the angelic dressing room/on stage | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 1:
does anyone need any help packing?
A
Yes!
Oh, do you want tea too?
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Stable Cat
Nativity Play
# 3657
|
Posted
*stable cat wanders in, spots open suitcase with nice cozy clothing, climbs in and curls up for a nap*
puuuuuuuurrrrrrrr........
--------------------
nicolemrw says "meow!"
Posts: 85 | From: the stable | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
The tools are coming with us? But there really won't be room...and surely you won't be needing those en route. I can't manage on just one dress. We're bound to be staying in a high class hotel - what on earth will they say if I turn up for dinner in the same dress as I was wearing at breakfast? And besides, I have to make the most of the generous wardrobe budget Simon has allowed me for this show.... (oops, forgot I wasn't supposed to mention that!)
Now, let me see.... we're going to need 25 sets of clothes for the babies, 50 terry nappies (to save on washing), safety pins, towels, blankets, travel cot, baby bottles, steriliser... oh, and I got this pram half price with the baby bath - a real bargain.....
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
chief stage manager
Nativity Play
# 3658
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Now, let me see.... we're going to need 25 sets of clothes for the babies, 50 terry nappies (to save on washing), safety pins, towels, blankets, travel cot, baby bottles, steriliser... oh, and I got this pram half price with the baby bath - a real bargain.....
All available on the props table. For you, Virgin Mary, I'll deliver. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
--------------------
The original bessie rosebride.
Posts: 148 | From: stage left amongst the props | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
|
Posted
Sorry I'm late! G-string got wrapped around a tuning peg the wrong way...
Time for some 'Shopping' by the Pet Shop Boys
--------------------
ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
|
Posted
But I've had a better idea: all together now
a-one, a-two, a-three and-a-four...
*sings* 'We're all going on a <thump> Summer Holiday...'
[Ahem...]
[ 13. December 2002, 21:22: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
--------------------
ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Herod
Nativity Play
# 3649
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Musical Director:
Sorry I'm late! G-string got wrapped around a tuning peg the wrong way...
Fnar fnar.
Oh, by the way, somebody shut and lock that suitcase.
--------------------
#I'm Herod the Great, I am, I am.#
Stoo
Posts: 159 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Casts a grateful smile at the Chief Stage Manager and a sideways scowl at the Musical Director and sets about packing the suitcase
What's it like in Bethlehem this time of year, Joey love? Do you think I'll need my blue bikini and sunhat, or should I pack my blue thermals?
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Now, let me see.... we're going to need 25 sets of clothes for the babies, 50 terry nappies (to save on washing), safety pins, towels, blankets, travel cot, baby bottles, steriliser... oh, and I got this pram half price with the baby bath - a real bargain.....
Okay, I'll concede the dresses thing - remind me to book ahead for the hotels, by the way. You can take a few. Make sure they're nice ones, though. And don't take that green one. It makes you look fat. Although...
As for the rest of this baby stuff: no way! The kids don't need nappies. Heck, will they even be going to the toilet? Does the divine go to the toilet? I doubt it. And forget the pram too. If this kid's omniscient and omnipotent, as I have no doubt later Christology will assert, then he can walk on his own two legs.
Honestly, do I have to do all the thinking around here?
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
But....
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Angel 1
Nativity Play
# 3661
|
Posted
erm, I love a tea, loads of milk, no sugar (sweet enough!).
right. packing wise, the key is to pack a capsule wardrobe, make sure everything goes with everything else, and don't take more than you need.
A
--------------------
Jenny Ann smiles sweetly
Posts: 100 | From: Heaven/bethlehem/the angelic dressing room/on stage | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Right, that's the first two suitcases filled with the tools and the baby stuff..... now, for my dresses. Which ones do you think, love... Hey, I must show you the one I bought in Mothercare this afternoon. It was 20% off so I saved a fortune! Shall I go and slip it on and give you a twirl?
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
But....
But what?
Here's your tea, by the way. Made just the way you like it. And Angel 1! A cup for you too.
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Musical Director
Nativity Play
# 3651
|
Posted
There is only one song for this situation:
Hey Honey - I'm Packing You In! by Bryan Adams
--------------------
ChrisT sez: *sigh* Let's take it once more from the top...
Posts: 284 | From: The Bandstand | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Virgin Mary
Nativity Play
# 3653
|
Posted
Erm...er...Joseph
I don't drink tea!
--------------------
Can you have a white wedding in blue?
(Smudgie)
Posts: 287 | From: Down the road from the carpenter's shop, Nazareth | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Joseph
Nativity Play
# 3666
|
Posted
You know how I love to see you twirl! Go on!
--------------------
Joseph, the not-so-Jesuitical ex-Lad.
Posts: 177 | From: Palestine | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Thread closed
Printer-friendly view
