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Source: (consider it) Thread: I don't want to go to your wedding
Golden Key
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# 1468

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I've never understood the idea of really expensive weddings--or the insanely expensive ones some celebs and rich people have.

IMHO, have a simple, creatively-inexpensive wedding. If you can't afford an expensive wedding, then you'll save yourself a lot of debt and interest. If you do have money, then put the surplus towards a house, or in certificates of deposit, or in a retirement account. Even give some to charity.

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

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Jane R
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# 331

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Boogie:
quote:
My DIL had a £30 dress off eBay - she looked amazing, as did her bridesmaids with dresses of the same price.
Well, if we're playing 'who had the least expensive wedding dress', mine cost £25. Wait... that was 28 years ago, so allowing for inflation your daughter-in-law still wins.

As you were.

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L'organist
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# 17338

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We have a family saying about weddings: If they're your friends you invite them to your wedding - all of it, not just part - and if they're you're friends they'll be happy to be there and for a cup of tea after, and a bun would be a bonus.

While giving people something more than a cuppa and a bun, we held firm to this when my late-lamented and I tied the knot: dress from provincial French dress shop cost c£30; clothing for groom and sons £250; cake was homemaid and iced by friend; flowers, including posy for bride, etc, came to £80; musicians were free because all friends; catering was done by us (with a little help from Waitrose and local wine merchant); reception venue was friends' garden with tables and chairs borrowed from parish hall. Total cost of wedding £1,350.

I've already given the children the wedding talk: get married at civilised time, have good buffet lunch reception, tea dance if you like, bu**er off by 7pm. There is no such thing as a "perfect wedding" and the one ingredient which has to be perfect is the person - after that its all just frills.

LVeR Go to the wedding, have as much fun as you can, make notes so that if/when it breaks up you can help with distraught party with a vivious critique of the occasion and point out the omens which foretold disaster.

[ 27. September 2017, 11:01: Message edited by: L'organist ]

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Callan
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# 525

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quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:
Also it would be a good idea if you and the groom could agree on what time your wedding’s happening exactly. The groom’s witness has been given two conflicting pieces of information and if he’s not there you can’t get married (which might not be such a bad thing in the long run, but I assume you’ll be upset).

I am aware of at least one wedding in it was somehow arranged that the bride believed the starting time was half an hour earlier than everyone else, in the hope that this way there was at least a chance the ceremony would start on time ...
I always, casually, ask couples to remind me what time they are going to be married a month before the service, having learned the hard way that if they make changes to their plans they don't always see fit to keep the clergy (and therefore by extension the choir, organist and other people whose services they are, casually, taking for granted) in the loop.

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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton

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Tortuf
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# 3784

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For our wedding we used a (very) large building with plenty of seating and a musical instrument built in as some sort of fixture. It involved a lot of metal parts that stuck up in front of the back wall.

We dressed in clothes and demanded that everyone else dress in clothes as well. With the exception of me, everyone picked out the clothes they wore. I experienced the fact that my clothes choices were not to be mine alone from then on in life.

As to people not coming, we had a pretty strict policy. If they came, they were there. If they did not come, they were not there. There was no in between as the GoPro Wedding Cam® had not yet been invented.

Bless your heart, if you don't want to go to the damn wedding, don't go to the damn wedding.

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Golden Key
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# 1468

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Tortuf--

Bravo!

So you had your wedding in an old movie theater, complete with pipe organ?
[Biased]

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

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Nick Tamen

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# 15164

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Nowadays the 'happy' couple quite often foot the bill themselves. And the tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding reception (in the UK, the groom is supposed to pay any costs associated with the wedding ceremony; licence/banns, minister's fee etc.) is not universal.

The tradition here is that the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, the groom pays for costs of the wedding—license, honorarium for clergy, fees for musicians, etc.—and the bride's parents pay for flowers at the wedding (which many churches limit to one or two arrangements) and the reception after the wedding. As others have said, this is often not followed anymore, particularly if the spouses to be are already out working.

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The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know. — Anne Lamott

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Jane R
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# 331

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You have a rehearsal dinner the night before? [Eek!]

You obviously take weddings much more seriously than we do...

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Nick Tamen

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# 15164

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quote:
Originally posted by BroJames:
The bride is usually (but not always) accompanied up the aisle by her father, but it is her choice (made in private before the rehearsal) whether I ask "Who brings* this woman to be married to this man?". No words are provided at that point for the bringer** to say.
[* not the BCP's "giveth" - although **the giver - even in the BCP - in the BCP could be "a friend" - no gender specified. Father still seems to be the default option, but I've seen mothers, sons and daughters as well as male father-alternatives, as well as couples coming in together arm in arm.]

I've always liked the Jewish tradition of the groom being escorted in by both of his parents and the bride being escorted in by both of her parents.

[ 27. September 2017, 11:39: Message edited by: Nick Tamen ]

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The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know. — Anne Lamott

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Nick Tamen

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# 15164

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
You have a rehearsal dinner the night before? [Eek!]

Yes, that's standard here. It's not for everyone who'll be at the wedding. The guest list is normally the wedding party and anyone else who will have been at the rehearsal (clergy, musicians, etc., all with spouses/dates), the extended families on both sides and close friends of the might-as-well-be-family variety.

[ 27. September 2017, 11:48: Message edited by: Nick Tamen ]

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The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know. — Anne Lamott

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Moo

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# 107

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I made my older daughter's dress. The materials cost $110. I wanted to do it because it was the last time I would dress her, and I wanted to do it myself.

I couldn't make my younger daughter's dress because of health problems.

Their father was already dead at the time they got married. I told my older daughter that if anyone was going to give her away, I insisted that I be the one, since he couldn't be there. She decided not to have anyone give her away.

At my younger daughter's wedding, I escorted her down the aisle and then took my seat. When the priest asked, "Who gives this man and woman to each other?" the groom's parents and I said, "I do." I think there's a very good symbolism to this. It's the parents' statement that they are butting out.

Moo

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See you later, alligator.

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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Yes, the American tradition of the rehearsal dinner was forged in the fires of harsh necessity. It ensures that all members of the wedding party are there and in reasonable condition. Having a family party the night before gives grandparents, aunts, cousins etc. something to do -- they'd dine together anyway if they're from out of town. And having the wedding participants there gives everybody a chance to know each other (prevents the meeting of the groom at the altar kind of thing so beloved in Gothic novels: "Oh my God, Serena, Susie is marrying ... a Scotsman!"). The rowdier members of the party go to bed more or less sober, always a good thing.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Jane R
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# 331

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I can see why you do it... but over here the only people who are actually *required* to attend the wedding rehearsal are the bride and groom and the vicar/minister. Unless you're having one of these elaborate 'Hello!'-inspired bashes and the bridesmaids have to do some fancy footwork, but in most weddings all they have to do is march up the aisle on the way in and form an orderly queue on the way out. And we're British; queuing comes quite naturally to us.
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Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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Sometimes it's not just the bridesmaids who trip the light fantastic....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsbVL4dJtbk

[Eek!]

I'll get me coat.

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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leo
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# 1458

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quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Went to one last week but don't often - an exception because a friend of mine was being inducted to his new parish - indeed, I left my previous church when it joined F in F.

So you don't go to your friends' weddings, because patriarchy, but will go to your friend's induction into a F in F parish, because somehow less patriarchy?

You are, of course, free to attend or not as you choose, but this seems a bit inconsistent. Unless it's just that the friend who was inducted into the F in F parish is closer to you than the people who invite you to weddings, and you'll make an exception to either your wedding or your F in F rule for close friends only.

My friend has never been member of FinF nor SSC but is devoted to the sort of inner city challenge presents.

Plus I know very few married or marrying people - our generation seem happy just to cohabit. My church hardly ever does weddings.

[ 27. September 2017, 14:11: Message edited by: leo ]

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My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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I worked on the wedding team with our Altar Guild, and the number of startling calamities that can befall is very, very great. The great flaw of the wedding rehearsal dinner is that if there's food poisoning the entire event is in peril. I helped at a wedding where there was something tainted the night before, and all the participants were nauseous. I set a steel wastepaper basket behind the altar, so that if anyone hurled they could use it. The wedding was on a Saturday afternoon, and there was no possibility at all of having the sanctuary carpeting shampooed before Sunday services.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Stetson
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# 9597

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quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Leo, it's clear you just don't like weddings, and use Patriarchy to pin your dislike upon, so you can pretend your avoidance of them is for moral reasons.

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
Now yes, if you mean "the bride's father as opposed to the bride's mother", then the man is getting the worst of it(since he's the one spending the cash, but has little say in how it's used). But insofar as a particular wedding follows the practice of the bride's family(as opposed to the groom's family) having to make the financial sacrifice, I'd say it's a pretty deep bow to the traditional devaluation of females.

And in a culture where the husband pays a "bride price" to the father of the bride, that's patriarchy too. So, bride's family pays groom's family, patriarchy. Groom's family pays bride's family, patriarchy. When do they get to cancel out?
Well, just because the opposite practice can be used for patriarchal ends, doesn't mean that the other one is any less patriarchal.

Paying a family to make take a woman off your hands is patriarchal. So is buying a woman like she's just another piece of property. Twilight used the former practice as her example, so that's the one I went with.

And I'm not sure how the two forms of transaction could "cancel each other out", unless they were both being done within the same family, which seems unlikely. Suffice to say that alternative, egalitarian approaches, involving no formulation of the bride as the subject of an economic transaction, do exist, the most popular likely being both families or both partners splitting the costs right down the middle.

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I have the power...Lucifer is lord!

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Pigwidgeon

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# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:


Here she is.

Nope, not unless your DIL is an error message (which I sincerely doubt).

[Frown]

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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Marvin the Martian

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# 4360

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quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Plus I know very few married or marrying people - our generation seem happy just to cohabit.

More likely it's just you and your small circle of friends making a virtue out of a necessity by saying you don't want to marry.

quote:
My church hardly ever does weddings.
If your attitude is typical of the place, then that doesn't surprise me in the least.

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Hail Gallaxhar

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Ricardus
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# 8757

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Boogie:
quote:
My DIL had a £30 dress off eBay - she looked amazing, as did her bridesmaids with dresses of the same price.
Well, if we're playing 'who had the least expensive wedding dress', mine cost £25. Wait... that was 28 years ago, so allowing for inflation your daughter-in-law still wins.

As you were.

This seems like the start of a Four Yorkshiremen sketch ...

'Luxury. I were married in a white bin bag wi' holes cut out for t' arms, and my mates gathered up t' soot out of t' blast furnace to use as confetti.'

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Then the dog ran before, and coming as if he had brought the news, shewed his joy by his fawning and wagging his tail. -- Tobit 11:9 (Douai-Rheims)

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Jane R
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# 331

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<mock indignation> Who are you calling a man?!
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Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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'You 'ad a white bin bag? Paradise! We used t'dream of 'aving white bin bags...'

(Perhaps we ought to adjourn to the Circus. I'll get me coat).

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Twilight

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# 2832

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The flash mob in church seemed a little off to me, the reception hall is the place to dance.

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“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Camus

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Dark Knight

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# 9415

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Imagine how annoyed the OP would be if they had to pony up to attend a wedding.

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Wronger than a drooling idiot on stupid juice - but I understand his argument.
mousethief (paraphrase)
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Love is as strong as death (Song of Solomon 8:6).

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Stercus Tauri
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# 16668

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I remember reading somewhere about the Scots custom of the paying wedding, but didn't come up with much from Auntie Google apart from this:

Marriage customs, in common with those attendant on funerals, were formerly of an extravagant and peculiar character. When country couples were about to marry, all manner of contributions were showered upon them by their neighbours and friends. In olden times, it was customary for those who intended being present at the marriage to bestow a Penny Scots on the youthful pair; hence originated the term of Penny, or Paying Wedding.

With some allowance for inflation, it could still work.

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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
I can see why you do it... but over here the only people who are actually *required* to attend the wedding rehearsal are the bride and groom and the vicar/minister.

In Nonconformist churches, it's also helpful to have the "Authorised Person" if that's not the Minister, to clear up the paperwork.

I like, if possible, to have the Best Man, Bridesmaids, Giver-away of the bride (if there is one) and Ushers ... the rehearsal is always a bit of a hoot, but it ensures that everything goes OK on the Big Day.

And I prefer to have the rehearsal two or thre days before the wedding.

[ 28. September 2017, 06:51: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

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ExclamationMark
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# 14715

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Boogie:
quote:
My DIL had a £30 dress off eBay - she looked amazing, as did her bridesmaids with dresses of the same price.
Well, if we're playing 'who had the least expensive wedding dress', mine cost £25. Wait... that was 28 years ago, so allowing for inflation your daughter-in-law still wins.

As you were.


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Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
I remember reading somewhere about the Scots custom of the paying wedding...

One of George Macdonald's novels, set in early nineteenth century Scotland, has a scene where the peasant bride's family sets up a paying bar in their house to raise money to give the newlyweds a start. This was described as a traditional way of doing things

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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The best way to get all the participants there several days in advance is to have a Destination Wedding. Which then opens an entirely new can of horrors. My sister had not one, but two.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
I can see why you do it... but over here the only people who are actually *required* to attend the wedding rehearsal are the bride and groom and the vicar/minister.

In Nonconformist churches, it's also helpful to have the "Authorised Person" if that's not the Minister, to clear up the paperwork.

I like, if possible, to have the Best Man, Bridesmaids, Giver-away of the bride (if there is one) and Ushers ... the rehearsal is always a bit of a hoot, but it ensures that everything goes OK on the Big Day.

And I prefer to have the rehearsal two or thre days before the wedding.

Having a family style rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding might cut down on morning-after-the-stag-party disasters. Or not, if the groom and groomsmen are determined party-ers and take it on the road after the rehearsal dinner.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Huia
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# 3473

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When my father heard the costs of my 3 cousins' weddings he turned to me and said, "Feel free to elope."

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Jengie jon

Semper Reformanda
# 273

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After my sister's wedding, I had to promise my father that he could wear whatever clothes he wanted to mine and for shoes, if he wanted slippers then I was happy.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Walking 18 miles to help Refugees get an education.

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leo
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# 1458

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Plus I know very few married or marrying people - our generation seem happy just to cohabit.

More likely it's just you and your small circle of friends making a virtue out of a necessity by saying you don't want to marry.

quote:
My church hardly ever does weddings.
If your attitude is typical of the place, then that doesn't surprise me in the least.

We're in the top 40% attendance-wise.

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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

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leo
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# 1458

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quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Went to one last week but don't often - an exception because a friend of mine was being inducted to his new parish - indeed, I left my previous church when it joined F in F.

So you don't go to your friends' weddings, because patriarchy, but will go to your friend's induction into a F in F parish, because somehow less patriarchy?

You are, of course, free to attend or not as you choose, but this seems a bit inconsistent. Unless it's just that the friend who was inducted into the F in F parish is closer to you than the people who invite you to weddings, and you'll make an exception to either your wedding or your F in F rule for close friends only.

Actually, the comparison of Forward in Faith to patriarchy isn’t right.

They follow the vast majority of Christians in seeing women’s gifts and callings as distinctive.

They’re not against women’s ministry but against women’s presbyteral ministry – priests are servants – F in F don’t want to reduced women to the status of servants.

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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

Posts: 23033 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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A slight tangent/

Bit of a whiff of defunct quadruped around here, but I don't think I've ever heard of F-in-F being described in quite those terms!

Our former priest (F-in-F) once told me that he had no problem with Wimmin, as long as they kept their pinafores on, and stayed in the kitchen. He did not say this within earshot of his Lovely Wife..

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Leorning Cniht
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# 17564

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quote:
Originally posted by leo:

They’re not against women’s ministry but against women’s presbyteral ministry – priests are servants – F in F don’t want to reduced women to the status of servants.

Either they also don't want women making the tea, cleaning the floors, or performing any other service roles, or I call bullshit on this idea. Priests are servants, but not all servants are priests.
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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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In the Orthodox church I am told that only priests are allowed to go into the sanctuary behind the altar rail. I assume this means they do their own vacuuming, plumbing repair, etc.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Actually, the comparison of Forward in Faith to patriarchy isn’t right.

They follow the vast majority of Christians in seeing women’s gifts and callings as distinctive.

They’re not against women’s ministry but against women’s presbyteral ministry – priests are servants – F in F don’t want to reduced women to the status of servants.

Are you serious? I don't know whether to [Eek!]
[Mad] or [Killing me]

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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Claims to hate patriarchy.

States that women are unsuited to leadership positions in the church.

Fails to see the problem.

That's our leo! [Roll Eyes] [Disappointed] [brick wall]

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Hail Gallaxhar

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Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

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There does seem to be a large element of cognitive dissonance in leo's stance here. It sounds to me as though he fears Girl Cooties, though.

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I'm not dead yet.

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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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quote:
Originally posted by leo:
They follow the vast majority of Christians in seeing women’s gifts and callings as distinctive.

They’re not against women’s ministry but against women’s presbyteral ministry – priests are servants – F in F don’t want to reduced women to the status of servants.

So...

(Male) priests have a lower status than women, because priests are servants.

The priests serve everyone, including women.

Women's gifts/callings include household management.

Household management includes managing servants, tradesfolk, etc.

Therefore...

Women can fire priests, as needed.

And, to borrow from "Jurassic Park", woman inherits the earth!

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

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Palimpsest
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# 16772

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Disco flash mobs are ok, but I've become fond of Hamilton start Lin Manual Miranda's wedding reception surprise
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458

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quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
There does seem to be a large element of cognitive dissonance in leo's stance here. It sounds to me as though he fears Girl Cooties, though.

I was quoting the views of Fin F, not my own views.

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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

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leo
Shipmate
# 1458

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Claims to hate patriarchy.

States that women are unsuited to leadership positions in the church.

Fails to see the problem.

That's our leo! [Roll Eyes] [Disappointed] [brick wall]

Read for understanding, not to bolster your own prejudice.

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My Jewish-positive lectionary blog is at http://recognisingjewishrootsinthelectionary.wordpress.com/
My reviews at http://layreadersbookreviews.wordpress.com

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
When my father heard the costs of my 3 cousins' weddings he turned to me and said, "Feel free to elope."

Huia

My father said that to me several times while I was growing up. My mother never mentioned weddings to me one way or another, although, as I learned later, she had lots of plans in her head.

When I actually did elope they were really angry.

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“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Camus

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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My late Father, on the day before my first wedding, said 'It's not too late to change your mind, boy!'.

I often wondered subsequently what he had seen that I hadn't...

[Paranoid]

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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When I was a bank teller, I said that to a very nervous groom to be who I was waiting on. Everyone thought I was awful for saying that, but they didn't know how often I had wished someone had said that to me on the big day.

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“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Camus

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Huia
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# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
When my father heard the costs of my 3 cousins' weddings he turned to me and said, "Feel free to elope."

Huia

My father said that to me several times while I was growing up. My mother never mentioned weddings to me one way or another, although, as I learned later, she had lots of plans in her head.

When I actually did elope they were really angry.

As it turned out I neither got married or eloped, but I know my Mother would have been very hurt and angry at an elopement. She was upset enough went I had my B.A just sent to me in the post, rather than at the capping ceremony. To buy her off I promised that I would have my next degree conferred in person - not intending to undertake further study. She had the last laugh though, because when I completed my Masters she reminded me of my promise.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

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quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
She was upset enough went I had my B.A just sent to me in the post, rather than at the capping ceremony.

I wasn't planning to attend any of my graduations. I didn't even graduate from my undergraduate institution until quite some time after I was qualified to do so, I was that unbothered about the paperwork. But my mother got wind of this idea, and now her walls are resplendent with my begowned photos. I'm happy that she's happy...
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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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I did not attend my graduation when I received my Bachelors (the only degree I've received). But I borrowed a friend's cap and gown and had her take a picture of me to send to my grandmother.

(I got the idea to do that from a friend who had graduated from a university in Ohio, near Kent State, in June of 1970. Her school wasn't directly affected by the shooting, but cancelled graduation ceremonies to be on the safe side, or possibly to share in the mourning. My own graduation was a few years later, and not in Ohio.)

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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