Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
* It is announced with regret that employees of SoF (i.e., Editors, Admins, and Hosts) are ineligible to compete.

---

< Coot stops feverishly tapping away on his perfectly tuned keyboard >

NOOOOO!

< Weeps heart-rendingly and goes off to start a support group thread in All Saints.>

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I can't think of a damn thing to write that seems even remotely humorous.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

The Universe is infinite.

So everything is possible.

So God exists.

Comments?

---

quote:

---

Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs

It's in The Onion, so it must be true.

Which dinosaurs do you think were the campiest? Maybe the Velociraptors weren't as butch as all that--paleontologists say they might have gone around in feathers.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Is this going to be a knockout competition like all the other idol shows? Should I be planning my round 2 entry on the offchance that I make it through?

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Quizmaster:
PURGATORY THREAD

"And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim."

Discuss!

---

quote:

---

And you tried so hard. It’s just a shame you missed the point of the competition, and are unable to distinguish between the tones required for the different boards. Probably the best thing you can do is go home and spend more time reading the boards and practising those different tones. Maybe compete again in several years time.

---

quote:

---

Whoa, dude. You may be too smart for this board. You got to bring it down, baby. Think about who's out there, who your audience is. Your words have got to speak to the masses. Just let it come from your heart next time, bro.

---

quote:

---

Dear God... X Factor? I've seen more of the X Factor in the first half of the alphabet.

A paltry attempt.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
12 bar blues in the key of Hell...

Calling "Luvable Fred" to Hell

Okay. I just happen to have here a large mug of my own diarrhoea. Fresh, warm and stinking. And I might just drink it. Because that would be infinititely preferable to having to read another one of your posts. And I'd have a better chance of waching the taste out of my mouth by the end of the week.

What the **** gives you the right to claim that real christians only think like you do? Like we really need a church of morons who couldn't be trusted to remember to remove their trousers when going to the toilet.

****, when I read some of your drivel I literally retch. And no, dipwad, adding smilies to your inherently disrespectful and narrow-minded posts does not somehow make it all okay. It just reinforces how much of a ****muppet you really are.

I don't know what stone you crawled out from underneath, but kindly go and get that stone and whack your head with it until you lose consciousness. Any change in personality such an action could cause can only be an improvement.

****knuckle.

[ETA: PM on the way]

---

quote:

---

*stands up and applauds* That was beautiful. You're clearly
confident, at ease with the style for hell, and capable of delivering a
brilliant performance. I can see you winning this competition if you keep
this standard up. The only things I would, or even could, criticise are a
few teensy-weensy spelling and grammar mistakes. But a good style coach
could correct these easily. You were fabulous darling.

---

quote:

---

That is a killer post, dude. I thought you was really going to
chug-a-lug your own poo! And I especially love how you offer suggestions
and not just criticism. You rock!

---

quote:

---

Well, it started badly and just went downhill from there.

The subject matter was completely unoriginal. I've seen it done a hundred
times before, and a hundred times better.

The imagery was crude; both in subject and effect - and - good grief - did
you really rehash the stone and crawling metaphor? Really?

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Heaven:

Your Life - the Edited Version

As I was waiting for 120 seconds after a recent post, I got to thinking about those tales of how people see their lives pass before them as they are dying - a bit like the opening to Green Wing, where the whole of the last week's episode is shown speeded-up.

And as I pressed the Edit button I wondered, which parts of your life would you edit if you could - how and why? Would it be for a rewrite of the script? Would you 'find God' (or He find you) earlier? Or later, so you could have that misspent youth you've always hankered for?

Would you be in a different place in your family? Or in the world? Choose a different career? Have pets? Get rid of that pesky allergy? Call yourself something funky instead of the plain old name which has never really felt like you? Or would you just never have started that thread on diarrhoea which ended up with you getting thrown off the Ship?

Ideas please - but no regrets allowed - life's too short!


Edited to make a point.

---

quote:

---

I loved the slightly tongue-in-cheek style of this post. A jokey
beginning, seguing smoothly to a slightly more questioning and serious
middle, and that little cheeky coda. Beautiful. My one caveat is your
uncalled-for mention of diarrhoea ? it's not really heavenly, is it petal?
Tidy up small details like that, and you'll go far.

---

quote:

---

Girlfriend, it's time for a wakeup call for you. Your talents just
aren't happening here. You need to throw on some bling and hit the
streets! Get out and experience life, baby. Then you'll be able to really
move us with your posts.

---

quote:

---

Let me just stop you right there, before I fall into a coma. It's
just plain dull. I am left with keyboard marks on my forehead and drool on
the spacebar.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
All Saints:
Hello I am new here

Hello to all on this wonderful Ship. This is my first post and I wanted to let you all know that I am here and that I you all for making this place so warm, welcoming and fun. I am not sure if this is the right place to make this first post but you all have my and my In fact, I have been waiting for ever to find such a wonderful Christian on-line community such as this. I stumbled across The Ship when I was much younger but decided to lurk here for a while so that I could take time to understand how things work here. I must say how much of a comfort it has been to me reading all your threads and I am really looking forward to adding my thoughts and dreams to this wonderful community. May I also take this time to thank all my friends who finally convinced me to stop lurking and become a fully fledged member of this loving community, my parents who brought me up to be a good Christian woman, and my dog who has patiently sat by my side while I have read all the threads here and finally I would like to thank all you shipmates for enriching my life with your posts. I hope that you will welcome me with open arms and I am really looking forward to posting more.

God bless you all

---

quote:

---

All Saints isn't one of the styles I enjoy reading regularly;
however, you've carried it off well. The 'love' smilies scattered through
were a nice touch ? not enough to overwhelm the senses, but just enough to
give the air of a keen, eager, joyful and energetic, albeit naïve, newbie.

---

quote:

---

Hey, hey, Fishy Lady. I can feel the love, girl. I appreciate all
the good vibes you are sending out, but I gotta be real wit cha -- them
birdies are falling and so is your score.

---

quote:

---

Stop!

You were supposed to produce an interesting or witty opening post. You've
done yourself no favours whatsoever in creating one that would be shut done
as soon as the AS hostesses read it.

You might get away with that on other sites, but this is about finding
someone with star potential. Go back to Yahoo Chat.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
All Saints

Announcing a meet at Threadneedle Street, The Needles, 4/12/04 at 7pm.

Bring a sample of your Favourite Thread with you (material and colour of your choice)
and we will weave a beautiful prayer curtain together.

Table will be booked in the name of Fred Bear.

OK, who's up for it? Let's get the arrangements sewn up, asap.

---

quote:

---

An original and amusing pastiche of an All Saints thread. Full
marks for creativity, even if the joke felt a little forced by the end of
the post. I'd like to see you producing some more serious work later in the
competition.

---

quote:

---

Meetin' and greetin' -- you got that down, awright. But, girl, you
gotta know -- no one is actually still sewing anymore. If you want to get
your mojo working around here, you got to get down with knitting. That's
right, baby! Think big needles and big thread. Big, big, big for a big,
big, big score!

---

quote:

---

Dear Lord, I think I'm going to be sick.

The imagery is corny and the whole idea is cheesier than stilton.

I have to admit though, it is original. I'll put you through on the
condition that we see something heavier in the next round.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
PURGATORY

Wymyn's Rites Now

Wymin need to throw off the patriarchal shackles of Christianity. It's a man's religion: made by men for men who use it to keep wimmin down. Everything gets blamed on Eve, just because she wouldn't be Adam's doormat. Given a little consciousness-raising, Eve would have seen the light and gone off with Lilith. And maybe she did! After all, it was men who wrote the Bible; there's no way they would admit that two wimin could do without them.

And I'm here to tell you, Ship of Fools is totally complicit. Who are the hosts of Heaven, where all good Christians supposedly go when they die? All men. Who owns the whole enterprise? A man. If I lose this contest, it'll be because a man is running it.

Men will say I should be posting in Hell; they want to write us wymmyn off as ranting hysterics and push us underground. But wymmin have taken too much *bleep* for way too *bleep*-ing long.


Readers check the newbie's profile ...

Screenname: Medusa

Location: the Amazon

Occupation: commune rota mistress

Interests: eco-feminism, liberal feminism, third wave feminism, womyn and feminism, raisin cakes

Picture: Click here.

Religion: Goddess worship

Profile/essay/sermon: A womyn without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Favorite boards: Click here and scroll down.

---

quote:

---

You're very angry my dear. And you've produced a post that
doesn't give much room for discussion, as well being perhaps a little too
intemperate for Purgatory. Still, it's certainly an original, solid effort,
and I look forward to seeing you give us your unique interpretations of the
different posting styles required.

---

quote:

---

I gotta give your props, Ruthie. You made me think. Dang, you
almost made me cry. Ah feel your pain, woman. I hear you roar,
girlfriend! Let's raise the roof for the lady, ya'll!

---

quote:

---

Once again, we have a clueless OP, and no doubt a clueless OPer.

You've not produced a suitable post for your chosen board.

Do you think the panel are just here because we have nothing better to do?
Grits in particular has an extremely busy lunching schedule.

We're not here for time wasters.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
STYX THREAD

ARE COMPETITION JUDGES ON THIS SHIP CORRUPT, OR WHAT?

I've entered just about every competition that's been on this ship since I signed up. My entries are really well-thought out and witty and my boyfriend just about wets himself laughing at them, but I never get noticed.

It seems to me that the same people always win, which suggests just a bit of ... favourtism.

I'm not whinging. I just want a straight answer.

---

quote:

---

An interesting approach for a Styx thread, and not one usually
thought of. You approached the subject with verve, hitting it full on, and
leaving no room for doubts. You also made an unusual choice of board, also,
showing your own confidence in tackling the difficult styles first. I
eagerly anticipate seeing what else you can do.

---

quote:

---

You know what they say, sweetie: You always hurt the one you love.
Your man loves you, and it's hard to be honest when the truth is filled
with pain. But I'm gonna take the fall for him, girl, and lay it on the
line: Your posts are just, well... lame.

---

quote:

---

I suggest you get your boyfriend checked out for incontinence. It
surely isn't the humour in your posts that have him wetting his pants if
this is anything to go by. It's just shoddy! A pitiful excuse for an OP.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

---

(pops head round the door)
erm
if this is a game, why isn't in the Circus ?

(runs away again)

--------------------
- insert randomly chosen, potentially Deep and Meaningful™ song lyrics here -

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by STOO:
Once again, we have a clueless OP, and no doubt a clueless OPer.

You've not produced a suitable post for your chosen board.

Do you think the panel are just here because we have nothing better to do?
Grits in particular has an extremely busy lunching schedule.

We're not here for time wasters.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Circus Poll: What sort of Alcoholic are You?
12 questions, 36 choices.

Sample 1
: For breakfast my favourite beverage is:
1) Beer
2) Good beer
3) Cider
4) Whisky
5) Whiskey
6) G'n'T
7) Gin
8) Vodka
9) Tequila
10) Rum
11) too drunk to remember
12) Other - please post

Q2:
a)Career
b)Apprentice
c)non-
d)I am not an alco0itjjj1!

---

quote:

---

It was a valiant effort petal, but I really feel that perhaps
you're playing in the wrong league? I think that the Circus hosts would
probably close that poll, for falling too far outside the remit of the
boards. I think that if you carry on in the competition, you'll only upset
and embarrass yourself, which we would all hate to see happen.

---

quote:

---

Hey, I am all over this one. I checked 'em all, dude. What's say
you and me hook up after this contest is history, knock back a few, and hit
the highway i my brand new Lamborghini Diablo. w00t!!!

---

quote:

---

No.

I'm stopping you there. To be frank, I really don't care. Especially not
when there are 12 threatened questions.

[aside]
I told you we should have banned polls.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
(first posted in Hell...then kicked over to heaven)

Why the English Should rule the Universe

*Please my American friends, don't post on this thread, unless you agree with the OP.
*By all means, subjects from the other former colonies of the Queen, post your thoughts here. unless you are one of the few that don't agree the OP. Thanks for your cooperation in advance. Since I am nice, the hosties will strike down those who oppose my little rules.

-A proper cup of tea is an artform that there is a dearth of, we need to teach it to all, throw out your tea bags!
-Coffee is inferior to tea. Tea-break, not coffee-break!
-Your American Corporations are making everyone fat! Listen to SIR Morgan Spurlock, HONORARY U.K. KNIGHTHOOD has been bestowed on him.
-Other recent American recipients of honorary knighthoods include Bob Hope, Secretary of State designate Colin Powell, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf and former presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan, just in case you were wondering.
-Our Church of England has class, dashing vestments, a repatiore of fine knowledge and the nuances in baking, when it comes to baking scones.
-We speak the Queen's English. You should too. Abandon your abaxial accents at once!
-Our royal family has your admiration and your support. Quit printing tabloids about them unless you wish to fiscally support them as well ... tithe 10% of your income.
-Good manners are rapidly going out of style in your countries. We have a stiff upper lip, and subtle put downs. Irony never works in America...we need to bring it back!
-President Blair has a nice ring to it. President of these United States of Britain. Yes.
-the Queen has a secret compartment in her handbag. We will share with you what it is if you let us rule you (you know you are dying to know what she stores in there).
-Prince Charles longs to give you advice on your architecture. Let him help you guide your city plans. Vegas is an eyesore! It needs a make-over.
-Our lagers, our bitters, our ales. You're welcome.
-A good kidney pie never hurt anyone.
-Canadians, you need special training on the proper pronounciation of the following words: about, out, aye (not eh). Also get rid of your forced second language forms.
-Cricket, Candians, not hockey.
-Football is soccer, not quarterback shuffling, Yankees.
-vegemite is no subsitute for marmite. Give it up.
-Our money is really cute and fun. The pound coins feel nice in your hands. You know you want it. It has a greater value too! Use less, buy more!
-Salt Vinegar Crisps for everybody
-Stomp out the hamburger! Eat Bangers!
-Bridget Jones is the female ideal, not Pamela Anderson. Replace at once!
-David Beckham is the male ideal, not Justin Timberlake. Replace at once!
-All men will be forced to listen to tapes of Alan Rickman and learn how more effectively express the Queen's language. Roll your "r"s!
-All women will be forced to listen to tapes of Emma Thompson and learn how to do the same. Splendid.
-Smaller portions please. You will lose weight quickly.
-American, learn to embrace the "U" as your favourite word, love your neighbours.
-Bobby outfits are much more dashing then "cops". Learn also to leave your guns in your trunks. You don't need to carry them around to police the people.
-Free Universal Health Care Now! Abandon your Fee-based-system.
-Hollywood keeps borrowing our ideas and making their own versions of our shows. We want you to cut that out now! To make up for that, we want you to make a British Sex in the City show, based in London. There would be no sex in that (we're English!) but we are natually sexy and don't need to have sex to show that.
-Canterbury Chocolate, not Hershey
-Tim Tams make good penguins
-Please take back Madonna, we don't want her. Instead, give us Joe Jackson. We want him back New York.
-Greenwich Time rules you all. Admit it.
-Metrics you silly Americans. But do start using stones instead of pounds.
-Our London cab drivers have a map of London in their heads. Yours don't even speak English. Come to think of it, ours don't either. Got to work on those ones with the Alan Rickman tapes.
-Irony is lost on the Americans. Let us teach you. Letterman's ironic? How quaint.
-You mustn't think President Bush is smart. How could you? President Blair does have a nice ring to it
-Our passports look cooler and are more user-friendly. You know you want one!
-The White House does not contain royalty, it never has and never will.
-Fox hunting everywhere. Let us destroy all your rabbits in Australia with style.
-Stop eating Kanagroos, Australians.

---

quote:

---

I just didn't get this one, darling. You seemed to work yourself
up, but into such a frenzy, that I couldn't understand what you were
shouting about. And you then carried on and on, not really noticing that
the audience was left behind in bewilderment and some boredom. It's great
that you're so enthusiastic, and that you found an issue on which to create
a Hellish rant, but you need to temper your ranting, watching for
indications of how it is being received. The best hellish rants are pithy
and leave the reader in no doubt about their point. I felt you were trying
to take too broad a subject perhaps. Sharpen your focus, and remember to
keep your posts concise and comprehensible, and I can see your enthusiasm
carrying you far in this competition.

---

quote:

---

Girl, I am so down wit you. Life is full of mystery, but, ba-bee,
you have nailed it in one succinct post! You da bomb!

---

quote:

---

I had to check my pulse midway through reading that.

After that, I had to get Sarky to pinch me.

It was too long, too dreary, and too inaccurate.

Before posting in an English style, it's normally a good idea to understand
exactly what an English style is.

No-one in the UK wants Blair for a President. Unless it's POTUS.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Hell Thread...

I split a nail and I'm so mad I could spit

Really. I could just spit, spit, spit! It was those d*rn wrappers they put around CDs. You just can't get them off. What are they thinking? They have no consideration whatsoever. And it was "the Carpenter's Greatest Hits", which I'd wanted for a long time.

I was so excited until I split my nail trying to get the d*rn wrapper off. I mean really. What's my manicurist going to say?

Don't you just HATE it!!!!

---

quote:

---

You just seemed to be trying a little too hard here, as if you were attempting to act being yourself. However, your acting of yourself, particularly with the studied pose you struck at the beginning, made this post live. I could really see you strutting the stage, and pouting ridiculously, as you struggled to come to terms with a world which doesn’t revolve around you. Have a little more confidence in who you are sweetie, because you’re great, and we want to see the real you.

---

quote:

---

Life is tuff, dude. T-U-F-F, tuff. But you can't let that color the tone of your posts. You gotta suck it up before you can spit it out. Wait until you've lived a little longer. Then you'll have the stuff it takes to really sing the blues.

---

quote:

---

Had you put in a link to a thread this was parodying, I may have given you a ticket to the next round. As it is, I can only assume you believe this would pass as a genuine hell thread.

How wrong you are.

By the way; your last sentence needed a question mark.

---

Posted                       

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Hell (Translated from the original Trollish; this transcript has been edited for length and coherence.)

This forum is riddled with anti-* feelings. Yes, I'm talking to you, you putrid fetid horrid pile of (bleep) with the sewer-gas breath and the nasty yellow teeth. You hate the *. Admit it. You look for opportunities to trash the *. You keep talking about the English and how they should rule. What is that about except anti-* bigotry, eh? Anti-* bigotry makes me terribly angry. Terribly, terribly, terribly angry. But it is Totally Righteous anger, so I am entitled, whereas you are just a foul stinking dog-(bleep) whose owner refuses to carry a scooper and plastic bag, which also makes me so furious I could easily pop the top off my head while thinking about the whole problem of anti-* dog owners who won't scoop poop. And then there are cats and cat owners; they are just plain evil and tools of Satin. Don't give me any lip about that or I will know for sure that you are anti-* and in Satin's pocket. And don't even get me started on drivers who cut in front of me on the highway, and are conspiring against the *, or they wouldn't cut in front of me, because they're just stinking (bleep)ing bigots. People who are anti-* don't know what they're talking about, and they're all going straight to hell anyway, but slagging them and glowing in the pure fire of my fury sure beats sitting here wondering why I'm slouched all alone at 2 in the morning in my trash-filled room in front of the flickering glare of my terminal, pondering why it is that no one cares about me. The bastards.


* = The Ethnic Group or Religious Denomination of Your Choice

---

quote:

---

You started superbly, with a wonderful mixture of enthusiasm, invective and lucidity, which carried the audience along with you. However, this strong start faltered slightly towards the end, as you slipped in a derogatory comment towards yourself. I think the beginning style was a little too strong and bile-filled, to sustain this comment; instead of coming across as tongue-in-cheek, or “equal opportunities attacking”, it read as if your confidence in the post dissipated, and you needed to mock the character in order to distance yourself. This simply doesn’t work in a hell thread, and I think you felt that even as you said it. Still, everyone makes mistakes, and it was an otherwise lovely exemplar post of a Hellish rant. Remember to hold firm to whatever line you choose to take in each round, and you shouldn’t go far wrong.

---

quote:

---

I'm sorry to be so cold, little sister, but you got "wannabe" written all over you. You better dry dock it until you can come out here and really make us feel the wrath of Satin.

---

quote:

---

To be blunt, that was terribly, terribly, terribly bad.

Your topic was vapid, and even then you managed to trail off into mind-numbing oblivion.

You really ought to spend more time studying why it is that no-one cares about you. Especially if that means you won't be posting anything else like this.

Oh, and Grits - I do believe you mean Satan.

---

Posted                      

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:
...Oh, and Grits - I do believe you mean Satan.

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Posted                    

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:
What is it that makes everyone seem to think they are qualified to do things far beyond their technical capabilities?

---