I feel led to draw your attention to the disgraceful goings -ons that have been going on whilst you have been occupied with the Lord's work elsewhere.

In order to compose myself into a suitably holy frame of mind for Sunday, I'm wont to scour the boards for inspirational material and good clean debate.

On logging on this evening I found a thread entitled Christian Underwear Rocks! Thinking it to be referring to those strengthening words in Paul's epistles I unkowingly clicked on the mouse - only to find myself in the Devil's grip!!

I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean ahem ...ladies'.... K*****rs.

Rev Gerlad! What shall I do??? I'm a small, if slightly battered pillar of my local church. I'm a sidesperson! I help with the little ones! I'm on thecoffee rota for goodness sake! How can I ever live this down!

Rev Gerlad, Gerald. Lent is approaching. Will giving up chocoate be enough to rescue me from the fiery pits of Hell and whatever it is those benighted creatures whom you have entrusted to guard this thread have been brandishing around lately?

Yours in deep distress,

ladies don't have knackers.

quote:

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Oh, sh*t. I have sunk to depths never before plumbed.

I have posted on Rev Gerald Ambulance's column.

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You think you've got problems, Campbell Ritchie. This is my first week on board SOF and I actually posted on the "Christian underwear Rocks" thread. I'm out of control.

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean ahem ...ladies'.... K*****rs.

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Tis nothing!

I heard a tale about a guy who was going to a toga-party. He has 12 helium-filled 'sex-dolls' (also dressed in togas) tied to his pickup truck. However he hadn't tethered them tightly enough, and they started floating away.

A couple were driving their car when they saw this sight. The woman thought that the man was Jesus, and that the Rapture had come. She jumped out of the moving car so that she would not be left behind.

I thought that this sounded like an Urban Myth, so I typed a few key words from the story into a search engine. I realised just in time that I had typed:

Jesus sex-dolls

I really did not want to see the outcome of that search!

So, clicking on knickers is hardly a major crime. If it still bothers you then go starch all of your knickers as a penance.

yup - it's an urban myth

Perhaps I should have mentioned that I did know it was an UM. Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?

quote:

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Originally posted by babybear:
Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?

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Nah, more of a good deed for the day

And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you like

quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
....And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you like

Viki

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I seem to recall that you have attempted to establish similar franchises in the past.

It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.

Let's keep this as much a spectacle for the hoi polloi as possible. If the interest becomes unmaneagable, we'll have our people get in touch with your people.

tomb

[changed vocabulary to make the post more nasty]

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.

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Why inappropriate? I might possibly understand inadvisable, along the lines of they might try to kick my backside. I would, or course, have to floor them with my lethal wit But inappropriate?

And I'm only trying to earn an easy living. I ain't working hard if I can help it. Is that so unhellish of me? Nah, didn't think so

quote:

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Originally posted by RuthW:
Yes, inappropriate. tomb's eviscerations are so entertaining to the general public, and he is such a generous soul, that he prefers to offer the spectacle free of charge.

Sheesh -- you've been in hell all this time, and you're still unclear on the concept of bread and circuses ...

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Tomb generous? We talking about the same hellhost here? Anyway I'm at least making something from the tight-fisted so-and-sos who sit around in hell doing nothing all day! Well, while they're being tortured, they could at least *try* and make me some money. Is that too much to ask?

Yours grumpily,

I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?

Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?

Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)

quote:

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Originally posted by Nunc_Dimittis:
Dear Rev,

I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?

Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?

Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)

Nunc

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He won't scratch it for you - I asked him before

I have already made the will of the Lord clear on the subject of intermarriage (and other stuff) between our feathered 'friends' and God's lovely humans. Depravity! Abomination! Godless filthiness!!

The athleticism of the said birds has got no bearing on the case.

Perfidy! Grossness and iniquity! Defilement!!

The only excuse for bringing them into church is to sacrifice them as a pleasing aroma unto the Lord, and Sunday dinner for the faithtful.

Ordure! Micturation! Vile uncleanlines!!

I hope this is helpful to you. If not, feel free to help yourself.

I don't myself detect any incoherence or such like diabolical interference in this epistle, but I should probably mention that I have spent the evening with my beloved sibling Fr Szbrovzhny investigating the litugical possibilities of various species of vodka, and so neither I nor the Lord can accept any responsibility for misleading sayings contained herein.

I was christened with it in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Didn't Jesus tell us to 'render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's'? Namely that we should pay our taxes, tithes and other monies owed to the proper authorities? And yet RuthW and tomb assert that you haven't paid the tax for keeping open a thread in hell. Doesn't this put you in direct opposition to Jesus? Who's right, you or Him?

I fear that both Nunc and myself have been infiltrated/possessed/whatever you wish to call it by the dread spirit of inadequate foundationwear (take a peep in Tomb's cabin.)Marks and Spencer it aint!

Those feathers are giving me eczema. I daren't use the bathroom (chocolate having started to take effect) because some vile devil's brew is belching its way up the U-bend.) And nipping behind a bush isn't an option. A rather overfed cat appears to be mounting guard outside the front door.

If you don't put in an appearance pronto I'm never going to make it back home in time for Ash Wednesday.

Yours in even more utter despair,

I'll be the judge of that my dear lay Sibling.
May I point out that for a flock to go off the rails it would have to be on it in the first place?

I managed not only to burn my lamb roast to the texture of bootleather last night, but also managed to bake banana cakes today, the bottoms of which have fallen off. Should I be thinking about getting a new oven, or do I just need to cast the burn-demons out of it?

Maybe one day, Sibling Nunc, my ministry will sink far enough below the level of anointment for me to resort to answering cookery problems. Till then may I point you towards Fr Nigel Twistleton's Claiming the Victory over your Microwave?

Ow ow ow I burnt my fingers! *blows on them and runs them under cold water*

Better luck next time.

I have the teensiest suspicion that you may have been defrocked.

Now you know what it feels like!

<waves bunch of burnt feathers around room with renewed determination>

I have said shall no doubt have to say again, There is nothing remotely exciting about my use of an earthly amanuensis to deliver unto you my anointed utterances, and unfallible decrees.

If pseudepigrapha was good enough for SS Paul and Peter, I don't see why I shouldn't avail myself of its convenience.

After all, it matters not who brings the word of the Lord, as we who labour in the pulpit are mere empty vessels, irrelevant conduits to pipe the Word of Truth into the equally irrelevant receptacles sitting in the pews.

No.

If your heart is truly weighed down with anguish in due proportion the abominability of your iniquity, then so should your penance be.

The words of Our Lord are clear. If your fingers caused you to type in sinfulness, then cut them off. Alternatively if it was in your head that the wickedness started cut that off instead.

I think you can go a head with the latter, Sibling Nunc. The only unitchable place I am aware of on the outer body is between the lower shoulder blades, which is according to my Zones of Iniquity chart is one of the least hellish parts of the whole body.

My dear child, you have been led astray by false teaching and hollow thoughts. Is a protection racket the way of Christ? Did our Lord say unto St Peter "On this rock I shall build my mafia and the gates of St Ursula's High Pentecostal Reformed shall not prevail against it"?

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Olorin
Where did you get yours (silly name), you delinquent virago?

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He pinched it from Gandalf while he was fighting the Bogroll.

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Did our Lord say unto St Peter "On this rock I shall build my mafia and the gates of St Ursula's High Pentecostal Reformed shall not prevail against it"?

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Short answer: YES

Long answer: Well duh! Yes of course He did. And if you can't find it in your bible then it just shows how little you know of our Lord.

Viki

quote:

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Originally posted by Stooberry:
i don't sell them, sorry viki.

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Well that's ok, because you ain't the One True Church(TM)! You don't serve coffee, and we all know how much God likes his morning cup of filter coffee

I reminded of you in the Styx, where I happened upon +Rodrigo... And thought with relief that I at last might unburden my soul to someone.

You see, I seem to be causing conniptions and other distress disorders in several of your virtual flock, by virtue of certain dress choices. They seem to find it too overwhelming when I stalk into a room wearing fishnets, a black leather Victorian corset, suspenders, spiked dog collar, a black satin cloak, stiletto heeled thigh high boots (laced, of course), and with long black feathers trailing out of my hair.

I cannot help my dress sense (I would have thought Coot would understand, given the whole bird thing and all). Why should it be so scandalous?

What should I do to fit into this decent and goodly society? *bats long mascara-ed lashes*

Or is it them that should change?

Anxious and anguished,