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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope the Dowager was able to explain what she meant you met up Mrs S. It does sound a bit of a worry.
My sister-in-law J and I met up with the caterer for mum's birthday today and sorted out the menu and discussed what else we need to do that they don't. I think we now have a plan. We then went over to see mum, did a few jobs for her and went to look at the hall where the party will be as J hadn't seen it yet and she has a much better grasp of how to lay it out etc than I do as its the sort of thing she does for a living.
Mum has now been officially registered as partially sighted and I'ev arranged for someone to come and talk to her and me about what sort of support she is entitled to.Of course she think she doesn't really need any extra help, but it was obvious today that if she doesn't get some help soon she'll end up having to go into care rather sooner than she would otherwise need to do.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Prayers continuing to ascend for Mrs. S. and the Dowager and Sarasa and her mum.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Well, I tried all day, but still don't really know what the problem is or even IF it is! She was worried about a programme that was on the TV that shouldn't have been; about two men who were ?helping with her telly/ sending messages through the telly; that she was running up big bills on her computer ('Mum, you haven't GOT a computer - I took it away'); or that she was ordering drinks to be delivered (!) that would need to be paid for. She was sure she had a wine list/ a list of films to watch on the telly somewhere...
I checked her bank statement and I checked her M&S statement, couldn't find anything wrong. How much of this is because her neighbour is away for five days, I don't know, but it's heartbreaking to see her struggle to express herself. When she said 'I have this feeling in the back of my mind' I had to say to her 'Mum, your mind is simply not reliable at the moment, don't be worried' it was really hard ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
So, I don't know whether to hold off till after Christmas, or try to get her into a home like, NOW, or to get the support nurse to see her again...
Mrs. S, floundering
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Support nurse, to begin with? Or, if you think s/he'll just say 'get her into a home', you could go straight to negotiating with homes. Good luck. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
We've all got a really bad cold, so we daren't visit Mother-in-law until we're better...
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I assume the Dowager saw a programme on the TV about scams and elderly people and thought the message was aimed at her. When I visited mum yesterday she was talking about a hospital appointment I'm taking her to next week and how she'd read the letter again and there was lots of useful information about hand-washing etc. I re-read the letter and it was a fairly standard one with none of the stuff she told me on it. I think she switched topics in mid sentence and was actually going on about a radio programme she heard.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I'd be inclined to get the support nurse in first, Mrs. S., even if you think his/her likely response is to get the Dowager into a home straight away. He/she may also have advice about what's available - there may be options that don't involve a full-on care-home.
Best of luck! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Jane - hope you and your family get better soon - you're wise not to take your colds into your mother-in-law's place.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I think I agree with Piglet,and its worth askign the support nurse to visit. There may well be a solution, at least for the time being that isn't either carry on as at present or a home. More support coming in, regular trips to a day centre etc.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
You need to get a Social Services assessment. Not that this will mean they will pay for anything but it does mean that they tell you who they commission care off including those who come by regularly such as Home Instead. Very few local authorities will use Home Instead these days but they will have similar companies on their books.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, I think you're right and she'd seen a programme about the elderly being scammed (a 96-year old not far away from the Dowager was attacked with a claw hammer ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) in a distraction burglary, so that may have snuck into her mind).
One kind soul has suggested another UTI may be behind this sudden descent, and I must check that out - but in terms of what more can be done to keep her at home, I think the answer is 'nothing'. She already has two care visits a day, but they don't stop the days being dark and lonely, and even though the carers seem to be kind, helpful and (in general) familiar to her, they can't always be around to help her anxiety and/or keep her safe.
Also, unless the light is very bright, she can't distinguish between coins any more, and she doesn't always know what any of them are worth ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif) I think, like Sarasa's Mum, she is now really only partially sighted with no prospect of improvement *sigh*
Thank you all - I now have a plan for tomorrow. Call the health centre and get the possible UTI checked out; get the support nurse to re-assess her and ask if her anti-anxiety drugs should be beefed up; see about a social services assessment (JJ, she does get Attendance Allowance since the lovely man from AgeUK helped us fill the forms in)
Mrs. S, less at sea than previously, thanks to you guys ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
OK - this a rant. My mum has been invited to a wedding after Christmas. All along I've said I'm happy to take her, but it would be great if she found someone else; I don't get a lot of holiday and really could do without a four hour round trip for people I don't know. This I've said several times, as she was worried about not being able to go. Two days ago she said she had found someone; I said great, but repeated I would have taken her if there was no other way. Tonight she rang - she's cancelled her lift now she knows I'm willing to go!
I feel so cross - I want to be a good son, and take care of her, but this is something I'd rather not to. In fact, I'd have done it with a better grace if no one else had ever come forward. So I feel angry and guilty, and will probably end up doing it while being nasty and sarcastic the entire day. FAMILY!
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Quite a justifiable rant, I think, RA. Just keep counting up the Brownie points, and try and enjoy the day as much as you can.
At least you'll get a free lunch ... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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ThunderBunk
Stone cold idiot
# 15579
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Posted
That sort of person doesn't give anything as weakly human as brownie points. You still (but temporarily) have the option of getting an absolutely vital errand that would take all day and must be run that very day. IF you do it now, the lift will almost certainly be available still, and the point will be made. You are not there at her remote control.
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Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".
Foolish, potentially deranged witterings
Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Oh dear, that sounds familiar... my grandmother used to phone my mum in the middle of the night, expecting her to make a thirty-mile round trip to change a lightbulb or whatever. Instead of calling the warden of the sheltered accommodation she was living in. Because she 'didn't want to make a fuss'.
Is it too late to persuade your mother that her friend who offered the lift would probably enjoy a day out at a wedding more than you would?
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Thank you for your support. In my mum's defence as soon as she realised she had got the wrong end of the stick, she contacted the other person and they will take her after all. She is lovely, but gets easily confused - which is why I feel so guilty when I get annoyed with her.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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ThunderBunk
Stone cold idiot
# 15579
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Posted
I'm very glad to hear it, Robert Armin. I'm also sorry if I over-reacted on your behalf; I suppose what I heard is an echo forward, as it were, of my own mother doing the same thing. I don't think she would do it maliciously, but she would want to if the alternative is to appear weak in any way.
Anyway, I'm glad that the situation is resolved and your relationship intact.
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Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".
Foolish, potentially deranged witterings
Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Glad you got that sorted, RA - good result all round!
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Glad you sorted that out RA. I was wondering that as well as being easily confused is your mum a bit dead? It sounds like the sort of muddle I might get in. I'd hear key words such as lift and wedding but perhaps not can/can't etc.
I took mum for the pre-op appointment for a minor op that should happen in January. Annoyingly they couldn't give a definite date. The worrying thing from my point of view is they've said not heavy lifting etc for six weeks afterwards. As far as mum is concerned everything is heavy lifting and certainly the fire doors in her block of flats would be very difficult for her to manage. Not sure how we can sort that one out- I certainly don't want to go and live with her for a month or so!
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
Glad you sorted that out RA. I was wondering that as well as being easily confused is your mum a bit dead? It sounds like the sort of muddle I might get in.
I really hope you meant to say "deaf"!
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Oops ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) - I ought to remember to proof read my posts properly!
Yes I did mean deaf.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Well, the Dowager threw a proper wobbly on Tuesday. I spoke to her quite early and we discussed food orders and the like quite sensibly. By lunchtime she had wandered down the road looking for a neighbour to tell that she didn't feel well Said kind neighbour took her home and called the doctor, and he and his wife sat with her for 6 hours while the doctor came and checked her out, until we rolled up on the doorstep. Luckily we had been away so had overnight bags etc.
The care home she had been in previously agreed to take her (once they got over the misconception that Mum was the carrier of C. diff with the same surname ) so we took her in yesterday afternoon. Mum had no idea that she had been there before, but all the staff were welcoming her back and saying how lovely it was to see her again.
She's booked in till Christmas, but I think she'll have to stay - if I try anywhere else it will only unsettle her again and we may just have to accept that she won't be very happy anywhere. She certainly can't live alone any more. I don't think, after Christmas, she'll want to live anywhere - which is very sad.
Mrs. S - forget the pre-paid funeral, can I* have a Dignitas package?
* for myself at some future date, I mean!
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Well, thank goodness you've got her in somewhere she'll be safe. Sounds like you've made the right decision for her.
Mother-in-law seems to have forgotten she ever lived anywhere else... we do try jogging her memory with photo albums and so on, but most of the time she either says she doesn't remember or just seems to be humoring us.
[ 07. December 2017, 17:28: Message edited by: Jane R ]
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Sarasa, your typo reminded me of a story a friend told about his sister, V. She was trying to sort out her late husband's account with a utility company. The customer services person, who hadn't been listening very well said, "Well he will just have to come and sign this himself."
"He can't, said V, "he's a bit dead at the moment".
The Dowager, and all who care for her
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thank you all
PS I just love 'he's a bit dead at the moment' ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
As Jane says above,that sounds like a good decision for all and it seems as if things fell into place for you.
Thank heavens for those neighbours. To sit with her for that time was wonderful.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Mrs S - Thank goodness for good neighbours and that the home could have her back so easily. I hope the Dowager settles in this time. Certainly staying at home no longer seems an option.
Huia - I too liked a 'little bit dead'.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Pangolin Guerre
Shipmate
# 18686
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Posted
For NEQ - suggestion for your father... building models. Planes, ships, building kites. Might that be something that would interest him?
Posts: 758 | From: 30 arpents de neige | Registered: Nov 2016
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Well, I visited Mum in the care home today. The best thing about it was that she was glad to see me.
Otherwise, she hates it - but what I can't work out is how much she hates it for all the reasons she gives me, and how much she just hates it because it isn't Where She Wants To Be - i.e., about 30 years ago. I have broken it to her that she isn't going home, but I have promised to try to get her into another care home - to which she said 'when you wanted me to look at those other places, I wasn't interested'. Cue tearing of hair and me saying 'I TOLD YOU SO'.
She is just so negative - none of the trousers I had sent in with her (she couldn't manage to choose any) were any good, she did't have any others, none of them fitted, everything was ALL WRONG but when I said 'I get it, you don't like it here so nothing is any good' she accused me of putting words in her mouth *scream*
Sorry for the rant - I shall adopt the persona of dutiful daughter any minute now (don't hold your breath).
Thank G*d for GIN
Mrs. S, feeling matricidal
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
{{{Mrs. S.}}}
I suspect that many APs will feel as the Dowager does: that control has been taken from them; that they think you're abandoning them (which you aren't); but most of all, frustration that they are no longer able to decide things for themselves, and they take it out on you because you have the time to listen to them, which their professional carers don't.
I imagine it'll be tough for a wee while until the Dowager gets used to the place, and more importantly to the fact that it's going to be her home, but once she does, she might quite enjoy it.
One positive thought: an old lady of our acquaintance (about the same age as the Dowager), who lived for years next door to her daughter, has just been moved into an old people's home, and she loves it.
Mind you, that may have something to do with her daughter being a bossy, interfering so-and-so, which I'm sure you aren't; she may have been glad to escape.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Mrs S, your comment about the Dowager wanting it to be 30 years ago rang true with me after a long discussion with my nephew about his only surviving grandmother (not on my side of the family). He is so distressed that his beloved Gran was wanting to live independently when she keeps falling over.
You know that if you were a really dutiful daughter you would commission someone to build a time machine for her. Shame on you for not having done that. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
The Dowager
all who do their best to assist and love her
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I too think it is a question of control, and the loss of it. The more we lose control of the big things, such as where we live, the more we cling to control over the little things. Toddlers express this as "shan't" and "no." So do oldies. And for much the same reasons. It's very hard on those trying to help them. Looking back at my own family, with one exception,each of them would have preferred to die sooner at home than to live longer at someone else's behest in a care home. Sadly, with age can come the inability to accept the inevitable.
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif) to all who are involved in the impossible task.
[ 13. December 2017, 08:07: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Sympathies Mrs S. I hope you are managing to find time to do some of things you want to do. Are your mum's reasons for hating the home valid and would those reasons be solved by her going somewhere else? I
My mum does the everything is wrong and its all your fault act quite often and I find it difficult not to take it personally,
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456
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Posted
Just a thought, check with the staff and have them tell you how she is doing. There is the chance that she is venting to you but is quite happily engaging in things when you aren't there.
For all of us to have patience when we get to that age.
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
None of you ungrateful children understand the truth
Yes, it is loss of control
Yes it is the regimentation of the regime in a retirement home (Independent Living? It is to laugh! )
There is so little time between meals that you don't have enough time to get any task or chore completed
When programs shut down in early evening, there is nothing to do but return to your warehouse space and sleep.
Programs consist of cards, music appreciation ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif) and choral singalongs
And of course, at this time of the year outside people are lining up to do their "Christian duty" to "entertain" us. Where is everyone the rest of the year?
And of course they keep the really oldies over-medicated and drunk on huge glasses of dinner wine.
I do like the dog therapy which comes along from time to time.
This is a dose of reality for those trying to understand why people who have a half-functioning brain cell resent residential living.
The fact that some of us need to be here and are safer here has nothing to do with the infantilising that is institutionally endemic.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
I am less physically capable than I used to be, and I hope I die before I get to the point that I cannot live alone.
Many years ago my parents moved into a retirement community with an attached nursing home. I visited them there. They liked it, but I would hate something like that. One thing that I found very disturbing was the amount of gossip. It was many people's favorite pastime. My parents didn't gossip, but they found it amusing. I have a very deep-seated detestation of gossip. That is my strongest objection to a home, but there are other factors.
I like choosing and cooking my own food. I like going out to church and to various groups I belong to. I like being with different people, rather than the same people all the time.
If I have to go into some sort of assisted living, I will try to be a good sport about it, but it will be a struggle.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
Many years ago my parents moved into a retirement community with an attached nursing home. I visited them there. They liked it.
Companionship vs. being alone makes a big difference. My father hated assisted living until he found a "lady friend." The two became inseparable.
As for me, I'm squarely in the camp of "Lord, take me before someone else has to."
[ 13. December 2017, 13:12: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
If you are mobile enough to go out to different groups/activities, then great. When you can't, assisted living may be a godsend. My parents found that the social interaction -- even just seeing people at meals -- helped. They were in a fairly high-end place where the managers had movies, activities, excursions to museums, etc. You could join in or not, and sometimes they did.
I was astonished when, in the last months of her life, my mother became a Golden States Warriors fan. It's the basketball team, and I can affirm that until that point my mother had never watched a basketball game in her life. But a bunch of other ladies in the facility were fans, and they raked her in to watch the games in the TV lounge. They taught her who the players were, what the tactics and goals of the play were, and suddenly she's a fan.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
...I do like the dog therapy which comes along from time to time. ...
My dog and I have just qualified to do this.
As to the rest of your post, yes, you are spot on.
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Sorry to hear of the strain Pete.
Therapy dogs. I did it for 8 years until our golden died. We went regularly to 2 home and also a transitional unit at hospital. It was a wonderful thing to do. Made lots of friends. They ran us out of the chaplaincy office at the hosp. Made friends there too. Our other dog has not quite got the right temperament to be a therapy dog.
My father has 2 appts next week. One to have a skin cancer site re-explored, apparently not all the cancer was taken out last time.
The other one is for vision. He has only one working eye, blind in the other. He is having tremendous trouble now, can barely see anything. We are hoping for another corneal transplant, he had one 6 years ago which gave him a new lease on life after the death of my mother 8 years ago. The lack of sight currently is very hard. If he doesn't get vision back he knows it will be out of assisted living and into the next level of care. Which is very hard. He just turned 91, and has a woman friend who is 93 there. Very good for both of them. I fear not regaining sight and move will take away his motivation to live; don't think the cancer will take him.
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002
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Posted
So, Uncle Pete, institutional living is so loathsome that anyone would hate it, regardless of what care home they were in?
In that case I needn't bother trying to find her a better one, because it won't be any different.
Glad that's off my conscience.
Mrs. S, still looking
PS the staff think she's doing fine. It's hard to work out how reasonable her complaints are, given her memory loss, confusion and sight issues; but if she has to be in care, and she does, will it just be the same story in another place?
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
If and only if institutions are provincially regulated as they are here, The answer to your question is yes, it will be the same, leaving aside cultural differences. You can still look; certainly I might have been better off to stay in the city I lived in for 45 years, but the external advantage to moving is that I am closer to family.
YMMV, but if you can rant about you Mum, certainly the same chance should be offered to those of us who are aging and in care against their wishes even if it is the only option which makes sense.
Pax?
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002
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Pax of course, Pete, and yes, you are entitled to rant about your own living conditions. But can you see how I might resent being labelled an 'ungrateful child' when I am the one tossing and turning at 3 am, wondering how I can make her life better and yet knowing all my efforts are doomed to failure?
Mrs. S, feeling guilty and sleep-deprived
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Fredegund
Shipmate
# 17952
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Posted
Mrs S
FWIW, I still have nightmares about my mother, Maysherestinpeace. I put her in a home after a series of strokes when she couldn't walk. I honestly thought it would be temporary, if she kept up the exercises, but after a while she stopped pushing for help with them, and of course the staff were far too busy unless pushed. Being a very easy-going person she made the best of it, but people stopped visiting and she was very lonely. It was when she told me that she spent her time playing Scrabble in her head that I realised...
I dream about angry neighbours accusing me of abandoning her (no, travelled 100miles several times a week to play Scrabble), or what would have happened if I'd tried to keep her at ours (answer, she'd have been killed falling over the cats, couldn't afford to give up work to look after her, no space etc etc) I had the dream last night and feel sick.
She died 10 years ago...
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Pax et bonum
Posts: 117 | From: Shakespeare's County | Registered: Jan 2014
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Diomedes
Shipmate
# 13482
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Posted
This thread is heartbreaking - my mother also died 10 years ago and her last few years were a struggle with increasing immobility and dementia. We were able to care for her ourselves, with some paid help, but I don't know if it was the best decision. She wanted to stay at home and she died before the situation became impossible. I have deep painful regrets about the times I was impatient with her, I wish I had been kinder and gentler.She was scared by what was happening and so was I. My heartfelt prayers for anyone in the same situation.
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Distrust simple answers to complicated questions
Posts: 129 | From: Essex England | Registered: Mar 2008
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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002
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Posted
Fredegund, Diomedes - I'm so sorry if this has reopened old wounds
What I hate is that it makes me into a person I don't want to be - contradictory, argumentative and difficult. And I know when she isn't here any more I shall regret that so much. But - God help me - I'm only human and I have human reactions ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
Mrs. S, sorry
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Fredegund
Shipmate
# 17952
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Posted
Don't be - I was moaning in sympathy. A good rant does help, and this is nice and safe (if only I'd known of it back then...)
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Pax et bonum
Posts: 117 | From: Shakespeare's County | Registered: Jan 2014
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Mrs S - As my mother in law always says, look after you.
Fredegund and Diomedes - I guess in hindsight it is so much easier to see what we 'should' have done.
My rant of the day is about my mother's insistance that the new next door neighbours are coming in and stealing things. She pointed out that things didn't go missing before they arrived. I pointed out that her memory was better, which didn't go down well. I'd be more sympathetic if it wasn't for the fact I can't see why anyone would break in steal soap and leave the box behind or take perfune from a drawer and leave your knickers still neatly folded and a few months ago she wouldn't have either. The real worry is that she is thinking of phoning up the police about it.
I'd gone over as I'd arranged for someone from the local association for the blind come and talk through aids with her. When he realised that she was anti any sort of help and started suggesting various aids very gently things went better than they did in the beginning when the idea of having a social servces assessment got her hackles up.
I'm not really sure what to do next. I'm hoping that when we are all at my brother's over Christmas there might be a bit of time to really talk options through with her, but as she is in total denial about how bad her eyesight is and her failing memory I don't hold out a deal of hope.
I'm off to see my mother in law for the wekend. As she isn't my mother I find dealing with her foibles a lot easier.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
I'm off to see my mother in law for the wekend. As she isn't my mother I find dealing with her foibles a lot easier.
Yes! I talked to the nurse in charge of the Home where dad was and said I wouldn't be able to manage his care*, even if we did live in the same city. She said she would have difficulty caring for her own mother, but it was much easier with strangers. I noticed too that Dad wold take some things better from my sister-in-law, although he did say she was bossy.
Here in NZ Homes do vary, but the smaller, more personal one Dad was in was old and uneconomic and had to close. ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Sorry, interrupted by a phone call and a cake in the oven.
* As much as I know I couldn't have been Dad's carer, I don't think he would have been able to accept me as such either. Yes, we loved each other, but he would probably have had as much difficulty with the idea as I did.
Huia ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, that sucks in a big way. I just don't know what's the answer to this distrust and denial, but I do know it's all bound up together with the memory loss and confusion.
The Dowager's failing eyesight is a major source of distress, because reading and doing crosswords have always been a great resource for her, and now she simply can't see well enough. She can't distinguish coins either, which worries her.
Maybe over Christmas someone who is not you could talk to her about this stuff? I'm sure Mum would believe my brother over me, if only because he has rarity value - luckily he has viewed me as an adult all his life and will tread the party line!
Good luck with that, anyway. God bless us, every one!
Mrs. S, muttering 'nil desperandum'*
* don't give up hope
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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