|
Source: (consider it)
|
Thread: Difficult relatives
|
orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Surely all parents do foul things sometimes. Even the near perfect ones on the spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect Both mine did foul things sometimes. So that means that everyone (except the unfortunate ones with irredeemably shit parents) has to Come To Terms With It. Its called Growing Up and Dealing.
Why is Coming To Terms With It and Growing Up and Dealing (not sure why we need the upper case, but still...) incompatible with having a rant about it from time to time?
It isn't. Because part of growing up and dealing is being able to identify that it was shit and that just because the people we grow up instinctively trusting and adoring did it, didn't stop it from being shit.
Another part of growing up is learning how to use capitals properly...
--------------------
Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
orfeo
Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Did I say it was incompatible with having a rant from time to time?
No. You just skipped that part and went straight into laying into everybody who was having a rant.
My estimation of you has plummeted thanks to this thread, and you're just making the drop larger with posts like that one.
--------------------
Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.
Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Well, at least Mummy wuvs you, Franky.
(But man, you're tedious.)
Not half as tedious as you, puella. How many versions of my name have you used?
One. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
You gotta admit, though, "puella" is pretty exotic...
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
|
Posted
True. Could be worse.
--------------------
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
I have been walking around the last couple hours humming "Puella DeVille, Puella DeVille..."
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
|
Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
--------------------
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
True. Could be worse.
You like being called a little girl?
--------------------
Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
|
Posted
I tell myself it's like being ID'ed in a bar.
--------------------
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
mdijon
Shipmate
# 8520
|
Posted
"Could be worse" usually implies "don't like but could be worse".
--------------------
mdijon nojidm uoɿıqɯ ɯqıɿou
ɯqıɿou uoɿıqɯ nojidm mdijon
Posts: 12277 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
I like Lyda's answer better.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
mdijon
Shipmate
# 8520
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
But if you rant in public, someone's bound to rant back and call you the selfish bitch that you are.
Human beings can produce the most extraordinary complexes of contradictory behaviour. Can you see how your accusations of selfishness or view that people deserve your responses for ranting in public are a little self-defeating considering the approach you take to it?
Your explosive rants are very much less pleasant reading than anything I've come across for a while. At first I wondered if you'd simply had a nerve tweaked by something that had been posted, but now it starts to look like your standard mode of engagement.
That can't be good for anyone can it?
--------------------
mdijon nojidm uoɿıqɯ ɯqıɿou
ɯqıɿou uoɿıqɯ nojidm mdijon
Posts: 12277 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
|
Posted
Opps, my grasp of languages other than English is somewhat wanting - I thought it meant something much worse ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) . Thanks for the translation Pete.
--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Hi. Francophile has his own thread now, so if you'd like to take any further responses to his comments there, that would be great.
I'm really sorry I can't link to threads.
[ 05. February 2014, 05:58: Message edited by: Taliesin ]
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
|
Posted
Well, well, well.
We apologise for this interruption to our service and return you now to our regular program.
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696
|
Posted
Idly wonders who Franco was a sock puppet of.
It shall remain one of Life's Great Mysteries no doubt.
--------------------
a theological scrapbook
Posts: 9481 | From: Australia | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged
|
|
The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891
|
Posted
So anyway, difficult parents.
Did I mention the time my “dad”* punched me to the ground and gave me a black eye? Or that he terrorised our entire family, to the point that no-one would dare disagree with him? Or the black eyes he gave my mother?
I often wonder how I can obey the Biblical commandment to honour that.
*Inverted commas not meant to imply he’s not my actual father, just that I don’t consider him worthy of the title.
--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/
Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged
|
|
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
|
Posted
Perhaps the best thing those of us with consistently 'difficult' relatives can do is resolve not to become one ourselves?
No, not a saintly twee outpouring but the rows, arguments and relentless unpleasantness were so dreadful in my family that persistent nastiness now makes me physically ill.
--------------------
Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
| IP: Logged
|
|
Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
Idly wonders who Franco was a sock puppet of.
It shall remain one of Life's Great Mysteries no doubt.
Yes, it will. Public* speculation along those lines is not encouraged.
Marvin
Admin
*= Speculate all you want in private. It's not like we could stop you doing that anyway...
--------------------
Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
Did I mention the time my “dad”* punched me to the ground and gave me a black eye? Or that he terrorised our entire family, to the point that no-one would dare disagree with him? Or the black eyes he gave my mother?
I often wonder how I can obey the Biblical commandment to honour that.
One of the leaders of my previous church struggled with the same thing about his abusive father. Then he heard some teaching about how the word "honour" can also be interpreted as "give due weight to" - negative things as well as positive. So there's absolute justification in acknowledging that some things our parents do are pretty damn shitty.
Apologies for the unhellish post.
Nen - *runs*
--------------------
They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Yes. Psychiatrist Scott Peck once said that he would change that commandment if he could, because it is the single most damaging cause of psychological dysfunction and distress in America.
I like this idea of giving due weight. It's not honouring them to minimise their impact, and pretend they don't matter. And interestingly, not psychologically healthy... the adults who shrug and say, they did the best they could,I don't care anymore, are actually still carrying unexpressed pain and resentment.
And until you've been properly angry, you can't begin to forgive.
It's difficult to strike a balance though...
Still a new discipline. Maybe another thread...
[ 06. February 2014, 10:30: Message edited by: Taliesin ]
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
|
Posted
Taliesin
Yes, my experience is that the people who say, oh well, they did their best, it's best not to be resentful, and so on, (or, Grow Up and Deal, I suppose!), tend to avoid their parents a lot. I suspect this is because, although they have suppressed their resentment, it still keeps them away.
--------------------
I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
So, back to hellish ranting. Mother drove me nuts on phone this morning. Father is quite seriously ill, but she took 15 minutes to give me a note by blue account of events since Monday morning, up and including the DVD that may or may not play on the thing that may play DVD s, but they might be too thick.our too thin, or something. And I really really wanted to snap, because I'm not well right now and don't have any patience. I wanted to know if he has pain relief, do they need transport, do they need more information.
I'm still not entirely sure if he has access to proper pain killers. They're so bloody English, they won't make a fuss, and its considered a point of honour to refuse pain relief until they have definitely gone beyond a point at which other people would need it. Except whisky. Whisky is apparently acceptable.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
I was trying to edit this - i'd cross posted with quetzalcoatl, and my kindle had rendered 'blow by blow' as 'note by blue' ... What the..?
but the ship had tossed me overboard.
whisky is often acceptable in this life, but not when self-righteously refusing to take prescription drugs. but, what the hell. I keep expecting the next call to tell me he's dead, and I don't know how to react. I'm afraid I'll react very differently to how I've always imagined.
And dead is one thing, but incapacitated?
there's no manual for this stuff. When I've done it, I'll write a book. 'How to cope when the parent who was a complete shit but mostly harmless in the end, finally shuffles towards the edge of/off the mortal coil.'
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
(Not so funny story)
Once when I was married, my mom called when I was preparing dinner. I let her know this straight off. She gossiped about friends. I let her know I was sitting down to dinner. She complained about relatives. I repeated that I had to get off. She talked about Oprah, ffs, I kid you not. I finally sighed and said I had let her know at the start that I was sitting down to dinner, and it was getting cold, and I needed to get off now.
She snapped, "Ok, have your dinner. By the way, [very good friend my own age who sang at my wedding]James died. Just thought you would like to know. Bye."
This was before caller ID, so for a good month I made my husband answer the phone when it rang and tell Mom I was unavailable when it was her. I couldn't speak to her.
[ 06. February 2014, 18:15: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
|
Posted
Is it at all possible, that she called to tell you - but found it difficult to do so - so kept talking about other things till pushed into blurting it out by imminent call termination ?
--------------------
All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Possible, but she did't blurt, she snapped. It was like she was punishing me. Her tone was angry and cold.
It was completely unfair.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Oh, and my mom refusing to get off the phone and ending the conversation with something sullen and punitive is kind of her style. She just had extra ammunition in this case.
Also, she voluntarily elects herself caller when someone dies in the church , and I've heard how she handles those conversations. Basically, a greeting and a immediate, respectful delivery of the facts. Not only us she not awkward at it, she is pretty good at it. She treats sensitive situations with me and my sister differently than she does with anyone else- and that's mainly, we are not to bore her with our feelings when she is having hers.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
I have a friend with a mother like this, Kelly. Absolutely the same style. She would contrive to break her own limbs rather than have a child of hers 'one up' her in the rights to sympathy stakes.
Everything is about her. My friend severed all contact about 10 years ago, which has helped enormously. It was a wise and ultimately compassionate decision. Sometimes, things just can't be fixed.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
|
Posted
I haven't popped up here for a while, but I've been meaning just to log on quickly and recommend a book to all those who have had difficult/traumatic family lives.
http://www.amazon.com/Stitches-A-Memoir-David-Small/dp/0393338967
This is a graphic novel, by a talented illustrator, about his childhood, which was not a happy one. He was never able to reconcile with his difficult parent in their lifetime, but I nonetheless found there was something redemptive in the book.
It was also a huge lesson for me (a very wordy sort of person), in the power of the pictorial. There are some pages in the book which express an emotional state that you just could never really reach with words.
*I don't have any connection with the author or publishing house btw*
--------------------
The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Alison Bechtel (yes, that Alison Bechtel) did two graphic novels about her dad and mom. The one about her mother had huge resonance with me. ("Are You my Mother?")
There us one scene in which Bechtel recounts trying to discuss some literary accomplishment of hers with her mom over the phone, and Mom just keeps tacking dismissive little asides on to what she is saying and redirecting the conversation back to herself, until Bechtel is finally just sitting there with tears streaming down her face. She made some excuse to hang up and had a long cry. She said it was that it finally dawned in her that her mom wasn't capable of a reciprocal relationship with her.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Did you ever read the drama of being a child? Alice Miller. Very good. Very clear.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Holy cow, a big part of Bechtel's book is about how that book changed her life!
Yes, a long time ago, want to read it again.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
I thought that was right! Spell check checked me!
And how the hell are you?!
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Barnabas62
Shipmate
# 9110
|
Posted
It's Mertseger! Good to see you again. SoF is like the Hotel California.
"You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave".
Hope you keep checked in!
--------------------
Who is it that you seek? How then shall we live? How shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?
Posts: 21397 | From: Norfolk UK | Registered: Feb 2005
| IP: Logged
|
|
Mertseger
Faerie Bard
# 4534
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
And how the hell are you?!
I have a new job over in San Rafael with access to the forums at work. I'll be lurking a bit more at the very least.
--------------------
Go and be who you are:
The Body of Christ,
The Goddess of Body,
The Manifest Song of Faerie.
Posts: 1765 | From: Oakland, CA, USA | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged
|
|
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
|
Posted
Mertseger! Great to see you! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Gahh! Topic! Merts, go to the "returning prodigal assclown" thread in AS before you get eaten!
Anybody out there got more "Sh&t my mom/ dad says" stories? Seriously, I got a million of them, but I don't want to dominate the thread.
[ 09. February 2014, 18:49: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Anybody out there got more "Sh&t my mom/ dad says" stories? Seriously, I got a million of them, but I don't want to dominate the thread.
I just thought of one which is kind of ideal to the purpose, actually, because I remember it in a reasonably positive way, and honestly, it's pretty funny, from wherever you're standing...
To set the scene: My sister and I were homeschooled for a number of years. Not for all of our schooling, but for several years, and these years, shall we say, encompassed puberty. A large part of the reason for this was the 'worldliness' of the state schooling system. At some point during this time, while we were being educated with imported Christian curricula, the Ministry of Education prepared some new curriculum material for state schools around sexuality and sex education. It was called 'Affirming Diversity', and I believe an updated variant of it is still in use here. Anyway, my mother, despite not having any children engaged with the curriculum, ordered a copy of the materials so that she could make a submission on them when they went before a select committee. (I was about 12 or 13 at the time). So, anyway, she ordered these documents, they duly arrived, she left them sitting around in the lounge while she was working on them (despite their apparent danger to children), and on one occasion, I clearly remember her being so incensed by something she read that she shoved it in front of my face and said 'Look at this! Just look at this! Can you believe they are planning to brainwash children like this?' This was an exercise at the end of a lesson involving two questions for the students to ponder. 1.) 'When did you decide to become heterosexual?' and 2.) 'Imagine going to the school ball, and being surrounded by guys dancing with guys and girls sitting on girls laps, and wondering if there was something wrong with you, because you preferred the opposite sex'.
I was supposed to be outraged, of course. I was not. I was slapped-in-the-face-viewpoint-changed-in-an-instant, and concurrently ashamed of my previous ignorance and prejudice. Almost certainly more effectively than I would have been, had I been presented with this material in a classroom context, along with thirty other snorting teenagers.
I cannot think of this episode without sort of giggling, but I do wonder what other cultural insights I missed out on by being kept away from 'brainwashing'.
--------------------
The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
|
Posted
Here's one, not about me, so easier to ascribe folk tale status.
My eldest sister was the serious rebel; parents said don't go out (no actual reason involved you understand, just a power exercise from what I can make out) she'd make a break for it. Parents response would be to lock the front door so she couldn't get back in til morning.
I used to think that was reasonable behaviour....
This is in a densely populated city, which had a dockyard and a naval base. She was 15. In the winter. All her friends would go home at a reasonable hour, she'd be outside our front door at 2am. She said the neighbour saw her once and let her sleep on her sofa. It was February.
Anyway, mythology steps in because one time she tried to climb up the back of the house, and broke through the conservatory roof. And another time my other sister managed to drag her all the way up with knotted dressing gown cords. That's love, hey. Incredible that the idea of going downstairs and opening the front door to let her in, was too terrifying to contemplate. None of us even thought about that til years later.
[ 10. February 2014, 08:00: Message edited by: Taliesin ]
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by anoesis:
Anyway, my mother, despite not having any children engaged with the curriculum, ordered a copy of the materials so that she could make a submission on them when they went before a select committee. (I was about 12 or 13 at the time). So, anyway, she ordered these documents, they duly arrived, she left them sitting around in the lounge while she was working on them (despite their apparent danger to children), and on one occasion, I clearly remember her being so incensed by something she read that she shoved it in front of my face and said 'Look at this! Just look at this! Can you believe they are planning to brainwash children like this?'..
I cannot think of this episode without sort of giggling, but I do wonder what other cultural insights I missed out on by being kept away from 'brainwashing'.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) Not much, I guess, if she's gonna go around showing stuff to her child and asking, "can you believe anyone would show this to a child?!?"
Sorry, this belongs in the family quotes thread on the heaven board. Or perhaps it can be our first-ever (is it?) dual-entry for both boards!
--------------------
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged
|
|
Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
|
Posted
I don't know if any of you know the site Daily Afflictions but I came across one of my favourites when I was having a tidy over the weekend and thought of this thread.
quote:
It is important, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, to take time to reflect on the competitive edge it has given you. People from happy, harmonious homes may feel healthy and well-adjusted, but they're fixed on one family model which they try to emulate for the rest of their lives. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family however, you may be deeply damaged, but you've acquired a broad repertoire of negative models to outgrow...
The actual Daily Affliction is "My parents taught me everything I need to unlearn."
--------------------
Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Landlubber
Shipmate
# 11055
|
Posted
I have been bringing my piece of kindling to this hell fire - slowly, underneath my coat and umbrella, near my heart, so that it would stay dry and burn well when we got here. As we got nearer, I saw a number of charred fragments of posts float past and stopped to grab one or two. I won't now read them aloud to my aged parent, but I will keep them for a talisman during difficult visits. Catching hold of those, I dropped my kindling in a puddle. I picked it up and threw it on anyway. Maybe it will dry out enough to burn.
Cue background of parent screaming "I didn't particularly want children but once I had you I had to make the best of it." Making the best of it how - and for whose benefit - exactly?
The bad fairy wishes "you might grow up to be successful, but you'll never be happy"? Complaints starting "after all I've done for you ..."? Calls for help worded "you'll have to ..." followed by "that's no good" afterwards? Announcing, at my Christmas dinner table, "I don't want to see your children if I can't see X's"? During a birthday visit giving other children cakes and drinks but leaving mine hungry and thirsty? Telling my eldest child, a much longed for daughter, that my husband and I wanted a boy? When, once old, being visited or taken out once or twice a week, while telling the world that she has not seen anyone for over a month?
But there was always hot food on the table when I was a child and we always had warm clothes. So now we visit, make sure there is always heat and food and company. And my beloved children got taken for treat food on the way home from That Birthday and know who is out of step here. And last visit, she said thank you for coming.
--------------------
They that go down to the sea in ships … reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man
Posts: 383 | From: On dry land | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
You are being so gracious and wise and measured that I am just going to say it for you-- what an evil, vile, contemptible bitch troll from hell.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Landlubber
Shipmate
# 11055
|
Posted
If I don't curl up in shame at complaining in public, I'll have to learn the language.
--------------------
They that go down to the sea in ships … reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man
Posts: 383 | From: On dry land | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
Sorry, that was visceral. Especially what she said to your kids.
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
|
Posted
On Sunday, we painfully have my father for supper, ever since I rescued him from Mexico where he and my dead mother* moved the month their first grandchild, my daughter, was born, now more than a quarter century ago. My children are grown adults, and they have never known them. So now he talks about the boring conversations at supper with the other residents of the assisted living I pay for: "they keep talking about their children and their grandchildren". My wife, bless her heart, simply said firmly and gently, "well you could talk about your's", looking him right in the eye, and he was lost for words, not exactly sputtering, but deliciously and never seen of him before. For about 2 minutes. But it was a Good two minutes. Probably it is evil for me to enjoy it, but I did I did I did. It is one of those odd things that you must either enjoy or get to crying about.
(*I can't actually tell you how many years ago my mother died, I think it's 5, could be 4 or 6, well it was in July.)
(**ashes don't 'scatter', they sort of plop in a lump)
--------------------
Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged
|
|
Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
|
Posted
It seems strange that we took my father's controlling behaviour as a parent for granted when we were growing up. Two incidents that made things clearer to me happened when I was an adult.
In one my eldest brother and I were visiting a friend of mine when her husband came home. Brother (who didn't know my friends)leapt up off the chair he was sitting on in case it was the host's chair and he might be angry to find someone else there. He only sat down when they both reassured him it was OK.
In the second my youngest brother was having fun with his son J. J said something in fun and we all laughed. Middle brother said, "I wouldn't have dared say anything like that to dad".
Sometimes it takes watching other people and their interactions to work out how destructive a relationship is/was.
There are some things I wish I had said to my parents before they died and there are others I couldn't even let myself realise while they were still alive.
--------------------
Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
|
Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
In the second my youngest brother was having fun with his son J. J said something in fun and we all laughed. Middle brother said, "I wouldn't have dared say anything like that to dad".
I have those moments, too when I see kids bantering with their folks or indulging in giggly playfulness and think, "Never would have dared." But that though is usually followed quickly by "and whose fault is that?"
Sis and I were chortling about a road trip we took with my grandparents in which were were singing Willie Nelson songs and mangling the lyrics, and I felt my mom just glowering at me. I ignored her. Good God, if you invest your energy in making sure your kids stay quiet and still on family road trips so that you and your husband can talk exclusively to each other, then don't fucking expect your kids to make up memories about merry sing-a-longs.
[ 12. February 2014, 04:36: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Printer-friendly view
