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Source: (consider it) Thread: Difficult relatives
Paul.
Shipmate
# 37

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Well, Miss Amanda is glad she's provided this board with a posting difficult relative to trash. So go ahead, y'all. She'll just sit back and watch.

Paul thinks that people who refer to themselves in the third person are usually self-absorbed assholes.

[Big Grin]

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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A proper Dogpile™ would have posts every other minute...

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Forward the New Republic

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QLib

Bad Example
# 43

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quote:
Originally posted by Paul.:
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Well, Miss Amanda is glad she's provided this board with a posting difficult relative to trash. So go ahead, y'all. She'll just sit back and watch.

Paul thinks that people who refer to themselves in the third person are usually self-absorbed assholes.
[Big Grin]

Ha, ha yes - I see what you did there - and, were this real life, you might have a point - but here we are in virtual reality, and this is just Miss Amanda's schtick.

[Double edit! [Smile] ]

[ 28. December 2014, 21:24: Message edited by: QLib ]

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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.

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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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Lamb Chopped:
quote:
I go home about once in two years, and these kind of comments are a major reason why. My self-esteem is already in the toilet for other reasons--don't need random relatives dumping on me for my ugliness. (And yes, that's exactly what they mean. It's not a compliment.)
If you really are unhappy with your appearance (and you're the only one to make that call) you could get plastic surgery. What could those relatives do to cure their stupidity and cruelty?

(If I was Churchill I would have framed that in a neater, wittier way.)

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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Meg the Red
Shipmate
# 11838

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Robert Armin, my fantasy retort is "I'll lose some weight if you'll grow a heart/some manners/a fucking synapse to a neuron."

One of these days I may have the guts to actually say it [Frown]

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Chocoholic Canuckistani Cyclopath

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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To tie this into an earlier question. If you don't have any difficult relatives (and you have relatives) be sure to check the mirror as well.
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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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quote:
Originally posted by Meg the Red:
Robert Armin, my fantasy retort is "I'll lose some weight if you'll grow a heart/some manners/a fucking synapse to a neuron."

One of these days I may have the guts to actually say it [Frown]

Meg - that's a wonderful response! I have many things I would dearly love to say to my difficult relative - speaking the truth in love, of course! [Biased]

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
I have many things I would dearly love to say to my difficult relative - speaking the truth in love, of course! [Biased]

My Difficult Relative broke his 18 month silence yesterday to tell me he is VERY UNHAPPY with my decision (uuuhhh...18 months ago) to leave my career and look after my kids.

In love (!), I told him he had no right to express an opinion. But he pushed my 44 year old buttons (for yea, 'twas my birthday) so it came out just like 1984, not 2014. He left the house in a rage.

Fuckity fuck. we left early for 200 miles home, my kids in tears, my mother distraught. I cannot imagine interacting with him again.

[ 29. December 2014, 15:48: Message edited by: mark_in_manchester ]

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Well, he does have the right to express an opinion, in the same way an asshole has the right to express a fart. It's just that both resulting outputs are of equivalent worth.

In other words, fuck that guy.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
To tie this into an earlier question. If you don't have any difficult relatives (and you have relatives) be sure to check the mirror as well.

I didn't. But then I got married...

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Hail Gallaxhar

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
To tie this into an earlier question. If you don't have any difficult relatives (and you have relatives) be sure to check the mirror as well.

I didn't. But then I got married...
I hope you're referring to your in-laws and not your wife.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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To clarify, yes I am talking about my in-laws.

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Hail Gallaxhar

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:

In love (!), I told him he had no right to express an opinion. But he pushed my 44 year old buttons (for yea, 'twas my birthday) so it came out just like 1984, not 2014. He left the house in a rage.

Fuckity fuck. we left early for 200 miles home, my kids in tears, my mother distraught. I cannot imagine interacting with him again.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible birthday. You should note that he thinks he was speaking "In love" as well. Honesty is a dangerous mode. You might want to consider learning a less communicative reply. "You might think so, I couldn't possibly comment" comes to mind.
You probably don't get to not talk to him again so you might want to practice. [Two face]

[ 29. December 2014, 21:06: Message edited by: Palimpsest ]

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Now I wanna know exactly what Mark said. If it was something along the lines of, " who gives a rats ass what you think?" I might be inclined to send him chocolate.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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One of my [ex)friends said something similar to me when I gave up work to look after the kids. Something-something-Christian husband's duty-something. I couldn't quite believe it, and rather than setting about him with the street furniture - it was in the middle of a busy shopping street, and I had my daughter strapped to me - I said "We think differently."

Haven't seen him for over 16 years now, and good riddance.

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Forward the New Republic

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mdijon
Shipmate
# 8520

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The amazing thing in these instances isn't just the held opinion, it is that the opiner thought it wise to opine out loud.

It may well be true that someone has put on weight, for all I know it might even be true that fathers are letting someone down by caring for their children, but there must be some serious psychopathology going on to think it worthwhile to remark on the matter.

I very much doubt the opiner thinks for a moment that their target will about-face, agreeing that they've been misguided, and go about dumping the children so they can look for a bread-winning position. So why do they do it? It can only be inability to control oneself from saying something very likely to be unhelpful - either malice, misdirected anger or some other negative motive.

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mdijon nojidm uoɿıqɯ ɯqıɿou
ɯqıɿou uoɿıqɯ nojidm mdijon

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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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With elderly relatives I put it down to frontal-lobe decay; i.e., they have no filters left between their brains and their mouths, so they simply utter whatever comes into their heads. What they say can be - and often is - equally hurtful, but they may have some sort of excuse.

For younger ones, I think they DON'T think, or else they really don't care. And there's NO excuse for that.

Sorry about your brother, M-i-M. You can take mine off my hands, if it helps.

Mrs. S, reading this thread in gratitude

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Kittyville
Shipmate
# 16106

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From what MiM has said elsewhere, Mrs S, I think his DR might be his father.

My own father once gave me the silent treatment for a similar length of time, for daring to go out with someone he didn't approve of. Never mind that I was 30 at the time.

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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My late father gave me the silent treatment most of my life, but we were both much happier that way.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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Uncle Pete

Loyaute me lie
# 10422

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Well, my nephew is in a short-term drug rehab program, after apparently attempting suicide over Christmas. He will be moved elsewhere after New Year.

The problem is whether to believe him or not. He has betrayed my trust. I wonder if he will ever regain it? On previous experience, I say probably not. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? I'm learning that it probably is.

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Even more so than I was before

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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? I'm learning that it probably is.

Oh yes. Especially if the love is based on past memories and the hatred on current behaviour. At least IME.

[Votive]

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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Oh yes. I've loved and hated several people at the same time for years.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379

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quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
The problem is whether to believe him or not. He has betrayed my trust. I wonder if he will ever regain it? On previous experience, I say probably not. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? I'm learning that it probably is.

Love and hate, and set strict controls on what interactions you allow in the future until you have reason to trust. Which could be never.

Love and/or relatedness is not sufficient reason to trust.

Love often blinds us to a person's lack of trustworthiness, until we get hurt, again. And then they try to guilt you by claiming if you don't trust them that means you don't love them. Not true, love and trust are unrelated concepts.

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Beenster
Shipmate
# 242

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Sheesh it's been too long but where better to post after a hiatus of - er eons - than the difficult relatives thread and the subject of weight.

I remember the family wedding some 25 years ago when I arrived with most of the family enclave ahead of My Sister. I was going through an awkward phase - one of many and so felt ugly and frumpy. My Sister arrived to hugs and kisses from my parents but as soon as she was out of earshot of them she exclaimed "God you're fat, are you pregnant?"

I spent the rest of the wedding in my shell, was berated for being "difficult" and was too humiliated to say anything. My Brother who had overhead and laughed with joy at My Sister, took me aside somewhat later on in the event and told me that he thought she was mean to me. When asked by me why he didn't say anything, he responded that he didn't want to lose favour with her.

Fast forward some 23 years and my father dies, my mother chooses that moment to advise me that she had allowed My Sister to bully me throughout school years as she didn't want My Sister to lose her confidence. Gee, thanks mum.

And the final 2 years fast forwarded, I spend £££££ on therapy and have a string of broken relationships with men who never really liked me and she lives happily ever after with a doting husband and adoring children.

Bitter? Yes. I live in fear of our paths crossing still. I was glad that at dad's funeral, I was somewhat slim then, but it didn't stop My Sister looking me up and down with a sneer.

I rage the rage of the small child, "it's not fair". And it never will be fair. I'm not witty or smart enough to deal with her remarks, I still lie awake at night because of the wedding from 25 years ago at what I should have said to her. To be honest, I can't remember whether I did tell tales on her, but the chances are that if i did, the remark from the mother figure would have been "why do you have to always spoil everything?"

I sometimes wonder if my mother really hates me. And yet I'm caught in the surrealness that she's my mother and I'm trapped and I haven't got the guts to tell her to fuck off. I just wish I had that confidence but My Sister stole my confidence in my youth.

With solidarity and respect to all those who fight the difficult and dysfunctional relatives with humour and courage.

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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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Beenster [Votive] [Votive] [Votive] - even though this is Hell!

--------------------
Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
Fast forward some 23 years and my father dies, my mother chooses that moment to advise me that she had allowed My Sister to bully me throughout school years as she didn't want My Sister to lose her confidence. Gee, thanks mum.

That is fucked up. What kind of "confidence" is it that you only gain by putting down others? That's not confidence, that's a manifestation of insecurity in one's self.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Preach, orfeo.

Regarding " why do you have to spoil things?"-- for literally months now, I have been trying to craft a post to expunge the buildup of rage that the family/ extended family decision to label me the " sensitive" one has given me. Because, once someone slaps that label on you, people have a cart blanche to say any damn thing they want without cinsidering their words for one second-- any reaction you might have, even to the most outrageously offensive, cruel, or thoughtless behaviour can be blown off as oversensitive. It's allowed people to treat me as a running joke througout holidays, fucking funerals, my graduation ( all three), my own fucking wedding...

Basically all I hear nowadays when someone calls me "oversensitive" is " I am feeling too fragile to endure honesty from you. Please keep that phony smile on your face to coddle me." " Or, " You are not following the invisible script I gave you in which you approve of everything I do, and that fwightens me"

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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'No, I'm not over sensitive. I'm normally sensitive. It is you who are stupid.' And smile.
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Or "Have you considered having your jaw wired shut? Purely in the interests of self-preservation..."

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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You know how we're always hearing that we should be nicer to our relatives because we won't always have them? I'm old enough to tell you that, while I do wish I had been nicer to my relatives who died, I probably spend more time regretting some not so nice things I wish I'd said.

Beenster's story about her mother's crazy confidence building tactic sounds like the blindly oblivious favoritism my mother had toward my brother. I really, really wish I had called her on it. Not in a way to give her guilty regrets in her final years, but just enough to give her a chance to clarify things, or just to give myself a chance to voice some bottled up stuff.

Same thing with the family legends like Kelly's "sensitivity." I wish I had turned to my father during one of his, "Twilight is so ignorant about geography," jokes and said, "Do you realize you've based all that on a question about another country that you asked me when I was twelve years old? Don't you think I might have learned something since then?

Beenster, what do you think you're mother would say if you called her today and casually said, "You know what I was just thinking about? That time you said you let Sis bully me to build her confidence. Didn't you realize it was destroying my confidence?" Whatever her answer I just think you owe it to yourself to ask her that.

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QLib

Bad Example
# 43

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quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
The amazing thing in these instances isn't just the held opinion, it is that the opiner thought it wise to opine out loud.

It may well be true that someone has put on weight, for all I know it might even be true that fathers are letting someone down by caring for their children, but there must be some serious psychopathology going on to think it worthwhile to remark on the matter.

Isn't it all about relationships, though? Surely in the healthiest families there's a degree of honesty which might occasionally include people saying when they think someone's got something wrong. Of course, there's a time and a place for everything.

The people you don't want to hear it from are the people who never have anything interesting or positive or kind or loving to say. What makes a relative difficult is not the sharing of an unwelcome opinion - that's just one crusty pustule on a plague-ridden body.

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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.

Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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My oldest sibling is pure nastiness - always has been since we were children.

I finally cut all ties after the death of the last of our parents. I discussed the situation with the children and left it up to them whether or not they stayed in contact and have also reiterated as they've got older that they can get in touch with her if they wish, but they've chosen not.

My uncles and aunt have gradually got back in touch - mainly to complain about the oldest. Latest call this morning was to alert me to (a) the death of oldest uncle, (b) to tell me when funeral is to be, and (c) to say that my oldest sibling has stated that if I'm 'invited' then she won't go.

This is an uncle she has pretty much ignored for the past 5 years, while I've been in regular touch by letter, 'phone and visits roughly 4 times a year, despite 350 mile round trip.

I've said to my cousins that the ball is in their court - their father is past caring and its up to them what happens and who goes, and I won't be upset if they decide to fall in with her demands.

There are no words for this wicked, spiteful behaviour.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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Family honesty isn't necessarily all that it is cracked up to be. Really. Dysfunctional families are the last places you can actually hear truths as they are all too busy projecting their own hang ups on to everyone else - so what they see is the truth ain't necessarily so ...

And where on this planet is someone not aware that they've put on weight? It's not as if the requirement to be slim and beautiful (and young) isn't drummed into us in every visual image.

"Thank you so much for telling me, I really hadn't noticed that I had to buy a complete new wardrobe this year as nothing fitted any more. I wondered why" would not go down well and would be seen as being unnecessarily offensive and/or over-sensitive.

"Thank you for making me feel like an ugly lump of lard by pointing out the obvious. I now regret coming here, because of course I know I've put on weight. I just hoped against hope that no-one here was going to make unnecessary personal comments like this, but I should have backed my better judgement and found a good excuse for not coming." would also not go down well - but might be worth it as you sweep back out of the door and depart.

(I can hear echoes of my grandmother's voice saying, "Oooh, touchy, touchy! She really is very over-sensitive," leading the family into laughter as I stormed away from one of those conversations as a teenager.) Funnily enough, not, my next sister down became anorexic.

xpost with l'organist

[ 31. December 2014, 13:02: Message edited by: Curiosity killed ... ]

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
Isn't it all about relationships, though? Surely in the healthiest families there's a degree of honesty which might occasionally include people saying when they think someone's got something wrong. Of course, there's a time and a place for everything.

Before you make a negative remark to anyone, you should consider how they are likely to take it. From what you know of this person, are they likely to find it helpful. If not, keep your mouth shut.

Moo

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Pooks
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quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
Isn't it all about relationships, though? Surely in the healthiest families there's a degree of honesty which might occasionally include people saying when they think someone's got something wrong. Of course, there's a time and a place for everything.

Before you make a negative remark to anyone, you should consider how they are likely to take it. From what you know of this person, are they likely to find it helpful. If not, keep your mouth shut.
Moo

Indeed. And sometimes, just sometimes, silence can speak more eloquently than words. It's a dark art that I have seen my late father-in-law practice with ruthless efficiency, but have never been able to master myself.
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QLib

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quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
Isn't it all about relationships, though? Surely in the healthiest families there's a degree of honesty which might occasionally include people saying when they think someone's got something wrong. Of course, there's a time and a place for everything.

Before you make a negative remark to anyone, you should consider how they are likely to take it. From what you know of this person, are they likely to find it helpful. If not, keep your mouth shut.
Well, that's the counsel of perfection, Moo, but we don't love our relatives because they're perfect, or hate them because they're not perfect. I recognise that more senior members of the family ought to be particularly careful when it comes to throwing their weight around, but....

I have to say that one of the most unwelcome pieces of advice I've ever had came from my uncle (very much head of the family) who had the tact to do so via my parents, rather than tackling me head on. The rest of us all thought he was wrong, and he accepted that without a fuss, but with the benefit of many years' hindsight, I have to say he had a point. I still loved him, but the whole thing undoubtedly caused a considerable cooling of relationships, and I regret that, especially as he didn't live long enough for me to tell him that he was right.

In contrast, my mother's comments on some aspects of my lifestyle and parenting philosophy were mostly unwelcome, but I accepted absolutely her right to make them (at appropriate moments). She no doubt saw my approach as an implied criticism of some of her parenting (and she would have been right) so fair enough, really.

On the other hand, the views of my uncle's second wife were of absolutely no interest to me, because she was not only a malicious greedy old bat, but also very stupid. In fact, if she agreed with me, that always made me reconsider my position.

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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by QLib:


The people you don't want to hear it from are the people who never have anything interesting or positive or kind or loving to say. What makes a relative difficult is not the sharing of an unwelcome opinion - that's just one crusty pustule on a plague-ridden body.

This. Worse, there are also people who have a sick need to get a reaction out of people, and they will work them and work them and work them till they get it. So my memories are full of trying to keep that smile on my face, and find ways to laugh at myself, and formulate measured, gracious responses until I am so exhausted a frown crosses my face or something and they (usually mom ans sis) just savage me-- Either mocking me for having "the Look" or unloading on me about everything they dislike about me all at one go, because they needled me into the reaction they were waiting for to allow them to unload. (My mom and sis have a very low threshold for being challenged, themselves, and usually go straight to shouting when the slightest thing doesn't go their way. ( in social situations, I have grown to believe they do this kind of stuff just to get me out if the way when they are tring to keep the spotlight-- they make things so toxic the only way to protect myself us to leave the area, and that gives them the audience to themselves.)

I gues part of it is I see it as unfair-- to have had to manoever around their moods constantly, scrutinize evrything I say for landmines, maintain that moderate, cheery tone even when people are throwing insults at my face-- and god help me if a bit of a tone creeps in. To have to moderate myself and retain total control of my voice, my facial expressions, my body language, and adjust everything I do around someone's humours, and to have to submit to their outbursts knowing there will be no respite until they wear themselves out, only to be told I am the delicate one in the situation... Fuck that. I have to have the strength of a team of mules to endure this shit.

And yeah, they will,invoke family honesty as an excuse to do all this-except oddly, I never get to be honest back. Funny that. Also, if I do get a word in that allows me to comment on their behavior, I get " how can you accuse us of such awful things when we love you so much! All this teasing and honesty is because we love you!"

Fuck that, too. I want some other definition of love besides " because we have declared we love you, you have to be 20% of yourself in our prescence and endure everything we dish out while bearing in mind we can't take it at all, and abandon any hope you have for a kind word, a comforting gesture, or basic affection as silly and selfish." When someone loves me, I know it before they say it, they don't have to throw it in as a disclaimer after abusing me.

[ 31. December 2014, 14:33: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Curiosity killed ...

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Kelly - you're not going to get that. Whatever is going on in their heads, it's lodged and not going to change.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I've given up on getting it from them but not from anyone? Fuck that, too. I bet they would love me to believe that.

[ 31. December 2014, 14:39: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Well, he does have the right to express an opinion, in the same way an asshole has the right to express a fart. It's just that both resulting outputs are of equivalent worth.


That just had to go in the quotes file...

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Curiosity killed ...

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No, you don't have to expect this from everyone. Just keep your mother and sister far, far away from any normal relationships you want to build. But anything that your mother and sister are involved in are going to be distorted to their view. Because they will be able to reduce you to a sullen miserable person in their presence, desperately trying not to give them an in.

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saysay

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# 6645

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I've given up on getting it from them but not from anyone? Fuck that, too. I bet they would love me to believe that.

All of the successful friendships and relationships I've had have involved making sure my father and stepmother have little to no contact with said people. Otherwise I'm fairly certain they deliberately sabotage them with a bunch of believable-sounding lies in order to make me think I'm dependent on putting up with their shit if I want human contact.

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I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

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Kelly Alves

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# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
No, you don't have to expect this from everyone. Just keep your mother and sister far, far away from any normal relationships you want to build. But anything that your mother and sister are involved in are going to be distorted to their view. Because they will be able to reduce you to a sullen miserable person in their presence, desperately trying not to give them an in.

So part of the plan. I just need the means.

Also, see what Phantom Flan Flinger did above? Did he say he loves me? No. Do I know he does? Yes, because he quotesfiled me.*That's what I'm talking about.

* in a sisterly, shippie way, of course. Put down the RO, PFF.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Jengie jon

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# 273

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Have you checked the posting! I suggest you copy it and keep it for the next time you are faced with "I am not in the in crowd" moment.

Jengie

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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge

Back to my blog

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Kelly Alves

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# 2522

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(I did , and responded there. [Big Grin] )

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

* in a sisterly, shippie way, of course.

Of course.

Hope 2015 is a better year for you.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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[Mad] [Waterworks]

Fuck 2015 already.

I missed a trick by the way-- when they follow you around and verbally scrutinize everything you say and do for a couple hours, then when you point out what's happening, they say, "Stop making things all about you."

"You first."

[ 01. January 2015, 17:29: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Beenster
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# 242

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Thanks for the responses. Twilight I had to think about the confrontation / question thing, and the trouble is for starters, I don't have the courage. I once called my mother out on something and she went bat-shit crazy. It was unpleasant. And frightening. Yes, I shouldn't let her have this hold over me but at the moment, this is where we are. Furthermore, I doubt I would get anything useful - I once mentioned the bullying thing to her and she sighed exasperatedly "i would have thought you would be over that by now". I can't trust her to be nice, kind, honest - but what i expect is that it will be chucked back in my face.

Kelly Alves, et al. The problem with having had an abusive childhood or the like is that you see things which aren't there. Perhaps. You become extra sensory - i use the word sensory as opposed to sensitive. Because: the other person may not be aware of what they are doing - so that when they are called out - they go "huh?" But, as a survivor of childhood nonsense, you are so acutely wired as to spot trip wires from a gazillion paces. Walking on eggshells is the norm.

I've read a book about borderline parents. It described my mother to a tee. I have to feel sorry for her in some way and indeed I do. She is one of the most unhappy people I know. Kelly Alves it may be interesting for you? You see patterns of control disguised in all sorts of dysfunctional ways.

I avoid my mother like the plague. I avoid family situations - it's not the way I would like to manage my life - running away - but it's safe.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Because: the other person may not be aware of what they are doing - so that when they are called out - they go "huh?" But, as a survivor of childhood nonsense, you are so acutely wired as to spot trip wires from a gazillion paces. Walking on eggshells is the norm.

Well first-- I would argue that just because someone isn't aware they are doing something doesn't mean they are not doing it, but I agree about the eggshell thing- you are wired to be hyper-acute to someone else's feelings, and they expect that people are hyper-acute to their feelings, so it's baffling when you are expected to gracefully accommodate things that would set them off into a three hour tirade. It takes a while to register that they really don't see what they are doing.

This is probably a common one for a lot of us. "I understand what you are saying, but I'd really like you to stop shouting." "I'M NOT SHOUTING! I NEVER SHOUT!"

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Beenster
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# 242

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Because: the other person may not be aware of what they are doing - so that when they are called out - they go "huh?" But, as a survivor of childhood nonsense, you are so acutely wired as to spot trip wires from a gazillion paces. Walking on eggshells is the norm.

Well first-- I would argue that just because someone isn't aware they are doing something doesn't mean they are not doing it, but I agree about the eggshell thing- you are wired to be hyper-acute to someone else's feelings, and they expect that people are hyper-acute to their feelings, so it's baffling when you are expected to gracefully accommodate things that would set them off into a three hour tirade. It takes a while to register that they really don't see what they are doing.

This is probably a common one for a lot of us. "I understand what you are saying, but I'd really like you to stop shouting." "I'M NOT SHOUTING! I NEVER SHOUT!"

I didn't think I said that cos a person isn't aware of doing something they are not doing it. Hope I haven't got too many negatives there. In fact, I think I implied the opposite. Your follower may not realise they are following - for example - which is why they go "huh" when you call them on it. But, they are following. I think we are arguing the same point.
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