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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: chasing the Black Dog - a depression support thread
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Abigail
Shipmate
# 1672
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Posted
Apologies if this post is not appropriate /too long or shouldn't be here for any other reason.
I posted here last September to say that I had started taking anti-depressants. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do or even if I was actually depressed - from what I've read, here and elsewhere, other people's experiences of depression seem a million times worse than mine. But I was feeling pretty awful, My GP offered me tablets so I tried them.
To my surprise they actually seemed to work. After a month or so I realised I was feeling better. And at Christmas/New Year the feeling of utter dread that always descends on me at that time of year, which I can never seem to do anything about however I try, was completely missing.
I stopped taking the tablets at the end of March with my GP's agreement -I felt OK and wanted to get off them as soon as possible.
And now I'm feeling - I don't know how to describe it, I'm hesitant to use the word 'depressed' - but I'm feeling very miserable. I don't know if this means I came off the tablets too soon, or if the way I'm feeling is 'normal'. I mean, it's how I've felt for most of my adult life on and off. For me it is normal. But I feel disappointed. This isn't the worst I've ever felt by any means, but I did hope I could go on feeling 'OK' a bit longer.
The 'crisis' that led me to see my doctor last summer was an accumulation of many things - loneliness, a feeling of failure, a lifelong inability to make friends or to talk to people without feeling extreme discomfort, disappointment with and alienation from my church - and this all came to a head when I reached my 60th birthday and realised that nothing much had changed for the last 40 years.
I'm also doing a course of CBT which I'm not finding particularly helpful. I've tried to explain this to the lady I'm seeing but I can't really seem to get through to her. I've only got two more sessions left and I'm trying to engage with what she's saying but it just doesn't seem relevant to my problems.
Oh, and for what it's worth, someone who knows me well has suggested that I might be on the autistic spectrum. (That's something that I had actually thought about myself and I think it's possibly correct.)
It probably sounds stupid but I feel my problems these days are more spiritual than medical. I want to be able to talk to someone about what I think of as 'God stuff' - which doesn't seem possible at church. Well, not for me anyway. I want to know if I'm like I am because that's how God made me (and therefore it's OK) or because I don't try hard enough to be different. And I want to talk about what happens when we die. Because dying and the thought of not existing any more terrifies me. I don't think tablets or CBT can help with any of that.
Things feel particularly bad at the moment because on top of all the ongoing stuff, I have a problem with my flat that will involve talking to people to get sorted, and although I've started to do that I'm finding it very hard. And it's coming up to the anniversary of my Mum's death, and even after 15 years I miss her dreadfully.
Sorry...just needed to get some if it off my chest.
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The older I get the less I know.
Posts: 505 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
You might want to look into existential therapy coupled with discussing with your GP the merits of restarting your tablets.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Abigail, that sounds like a lot of pain to be carrying around. Have you any other family?
If you can't talk about God stuff at church, is it the right church for you?
Clumsy, basic questions, I know. But well-meant.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Speaking as someone who's on tablets lifelong, which sort of sucks, but at least it gives you a foundation from which to address all the other questions. Some of us just need that help with our biology. It gets us to the place from which other people start. And then we can start dealing with family, spiritual questions, autism... But for those who are like me, not taking tablets is roughly similar to refusing to take insulin when you're an insulin-dependent diabetic.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Assuming that the person who suggested that you were on the autism spectrum isn't a doctor, your best bet regarding that may be to mention it to your GP and see what he/she thinks.
As to your spiritual questions (if that's the right expression), would it be feasible to seek the advice of a different vicar/minister, if you don't feel entirely comfortable with the clergy at your present church?
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Abigail
Anglican diocese tend to have some sort of list/service which links people with a spiritual director. This may be used by people from other traditions and I suspect the directors maybe also.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
Having a really bad day
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Lucia
Looking for light
# 15201
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Posted
Erroneous Monk
Posts: 1075 | From: Nigh golden stone and spires | Registered: Oct 2009
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lucia:
Erroneous Monk
Yes indeed.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
Thank you.
Still here.
That's good, I guess.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
EM
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Lia
Shipmate
# 7396
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Posted
EM - more hugs
Posts: 127 | From: Cherry Tree Lane | Registered: Jun 2004
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
Today's pretty grim too. I'm really glad you're all here. I don't want to be alone with it.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
EM
As there are Shipmates all over the world, there's usually someone around.
At one stage when things were tough for me I used to post asking for prayers just before I went to bed, trusting that someone in a different time zone would be praying for me as I struggled to sleep. It helped me to let go the worries of the day.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
The knowledge of Shipmates praying all over the world was very comforting when I was going through divorce.
Erroneous Monk.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
EM
As there are Shipmates all over the world, there's usually someone around.
At one stage when things were tough for me I used to post asking for prayers just before I went to bed, trusting that someone in a different time zone would be praying for me as I struggled to sleep. It helped me to let go the worries of the day.
Huia
That's a beautiful, comforting thought. "The sun that bids us rest is waking our brethren neath the western skies."
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829
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Posted
Think virtual hug, hot cuppa and a biscuit, and a chat about HMHB. If we were there, you'd be getting the lot.
AG
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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869
Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007
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Dormouse
Glis glis – Ship's rodent
# 5954
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Posted
Not sure how helpful it is, but for both Abigail and Erroneous Monk. I am lucky not to have had to deal with such things you are having to deal with, but I pray that you will know God's presence. May he hold you both in the palm of his hand.
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What are you doing for Lent?
40 days, 40 reflections, 40 acts of generosity. Join the #40acts challenge for #Lent and let's start a movement. www.40acts.org.uk
Posts: 3042 | From: 'twixt les Bois Noirs & Les Monts de la Madeleine | Registered: May 2004
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Do other Black Dog owners find that the BD Effect is made worse by gratuitous, offensive and untrue insults thrown at you by so-called fellow-Christians?
After Mass this morning, and actually in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, my fellow-Reader (UK Blue Scarfed Menace) told me that I was an arrogant know-all.........yes, not the worst of insults in the history of the known multiverse, but it really upset me, to the extent that I am now working my way through a bottle of Irish whisky ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
for all of us.
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Yes, it's like having a protective layer of skin missing.
Look after yourself and some good food to go with the whisky might be a good idea.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Nobody should have to put up with gratuitous insults like that, however trivial they may appear. If you can, file the BSM in the compartment of your brain marked "complete w**kers" and forget about him/her.
Huia's right though - better have some blotting-paper for that whiskey! ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
I'm back at work after a week's unpaid leave trying to get my head a bit straighter (and my home). Not sure how much I've succeeded, but still here, anyway ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Just dropping by to say thank you for all your support - it really, really makes a difference.
And big hugs to you all, especially Ian J.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Thanks to all - prayers ascending!
BTW, I've liver, bacon, and mash lined up as blotting paper later, so all is not yet lost.....
(any my egregious fellow-BSM has been consigned to the Instant Karma that awaits egregious w**kers).
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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luvanddaisies
the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761
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Posted
Struggling at the moment. Very bleak and useless and alone.
Was going to post on the hell-thread, but don't have the energy to emit anger.
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)
Posts: 3711 | From: all at sea. | Registered: Apr 2004
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Prayers for you.
I think it was Huia who remarked earlier that there is usually someone around as this is an international site. Pop in when needed. I find shipmates are understanding and encouraging on such threads as this.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Prayers for you l&d from here too - I know that feeling all too well - no energy for my anger and if I was angry what would be the point anyway?
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by luvanddaisies:
Struggling at the moment. Very bleak and useless and alone.
Never alone. We're with you. I'm with you. *hug*
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
{{{L-and-D}}}
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430
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Posted
Thanks peeps. Hugs are good.
Ian J.
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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)
Posts: 10151 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
My own personal Black Dog has stuck his nose back in the door of my life recently.
Early June got what I thought was a skin allergy, but some weeks later was diagnozed as psoriasis flare. Didn't even know was psoriasis really was, let alone experienced it. While the itchy rash was over much of my body to some degree, it was worse on my hands and feet, and at last I had to sign off sick from work because they were too damaged and sore to do what they needed to do. My feet were about four or five days behind.
So swelling, pain, skin breaking, bleeding, unable to bend fingers and toes - unable to use fingers with any degree of dexterity; loss of feeling in fingertips, like they'd gone numb, but yet still full of pain, too! Then crusting, thick, scaly, sharp skin, open breaks in the skin - yada yada yada.
Most of the time all I was fit for was lying in bed counting the hours till it was safe to have the next dose of Solpedeine or co-codomal; little cotton gloves to protect the hands, big socks for the feet, as motionless as possible.
Now going into August, I can at last use the keyboard enough to do this, though sensation in my fingers is still poor. At least my hands are recognizable as human, not leprous looking lumps of shredded skin. And slow day by slow day the soles of my feet are beginning to heal, after weeks of limping about; huge cracks across the soles, the hard thick skin making any smooth floor surface like an ice-rink.
Towards the end of June, after a doctor's appointment, I dropped into work to update workmates on how long I might be off. As a recruitment agency temp I had no employment rights, of course. So it shouldn't have come as a shock to hear that I was sacked and replaced with a permanent employee who already had a 'proper' post within the department. And it shouldn't have surprized me that the admin manager had already organized it all and made it public knowledge to everybody but me. She had that kind of reputation.
But I wasn't thrilled. Didn't even have the opportunity to say 'goodbye' or clear my desk. I had worked in that office for over fifteen months, loved the work, loved the people I worked with. To suddenly have none of that, and under such circumstances was a devastating kick in the face.
I know that 'things could be worse'. This psoriasis might go away at last - at least enough for me to go back to nearly normal life. I still have family. Even got a cruise booked for early October with my mum.
But I'm angry, and yet also apathetic. Apathetic about employment hopes, about committing to work situations. And about a future that might or might not be centred on psoriasis. I've also got a second thread of treatment going for B12 deficiency anaemia. Ironically, I used to work for the day procedure unit that'll be undertaking my camera tests. And the clerk who'll be preparing my chart and filing my results will be the person who took my job, because that was what I used to do! Just to rub the mortification in....
So, not in a good place, even though I know I'm lucky in many ways, too.
Sometimes I just want to give into the bitterness and hopelessness I feel. But there's not even anyone I can feel legimately angry at. I don't so much want to chase the Black Dog, but welcome him as the only sure and dependable companion in my life at present.
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
That sounds very nasty, Anselmina.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Anselmina, I sympathise very, very much with the Situational Depression - aka Life Turns Treacherous. All the things you relied on turn out to be shadows, not substantial things.
How to live when hope seems more painful than despair is a thing to learn, and it's not easy.
Finding the people to talk to who can bear to listen, who don't feel the need to protect themselves by 'cheering you up' is the best help. That, and the odd bottle of wine.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Thank you, folks. I know it sounds corny but I'm trying to count my blessings to remind me of the great things that are still in my life. But that nasty little sarcastic voice in the back of head keeps chipping in!
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I've reached the limit of coping with the stress in my life. I can't cope with all the problems at work, all the hassles of my family, all the bother of the friends and all the general irritation of the fact that life outside my wee bubble exists.
I know this is a sign that I'm not coping. I'm screwed by way of support because the cmht has discharged me but not informed my gp and now neither are claiming responsibility for helping me. I'm going to phone the gp tomorrow because I need a sick note but that just seems such an enormous hassle.
I went to work today and just stood there crying and hyperventilating. I couldn't even get on the bus. I'm trying to tell myself that I did well because when I tried to go in yesterday I sat in the car in my uniform for an hour and couldn't even start the engine.
And what's pissed me off most is after 6 weeks off the evil weed I've started up again. And I know all the things I need to do that help but I can't get motivated to do any of them.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
chive
That resonates so much with me.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Chive I admire the effort you put into working.
I hope you can sort out the medical support, falling between the cracks is unacceptable ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
Anselmina that sounds awful. I don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
Chive - I understand about the whole lack of support thing. I recently took a week off work unpaid, because my GP practice is completely running off locums and I just couldn't face trying to explain my history to another stranger. Again, I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Love and hugs to everyone posting here. This thread really does help me on dark days. Thank you so much.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
Dear Chive, and dear Anselmina; thinking of you this morning--of all your kindness and intelligence over the years, which I've seen on the Ship. Praying that this morning a little more light will find its way through the cracks for you, and for everyone laid low.
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Fredegund
Shipmate
# 17952
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Posted
Seconded. Know how it feels when the system turns round and tells you to f-off.
Currently trying to fill in a case history report for the private therapist. It's only taken me 2 weeks to get round to it. Feel much worse trying to compress 10 years of rubbish into 3 sheets of Word.
Posts: 117 | From: Shakespeare's County | Registered: Jan 2014
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Matrix
Shipmate
# 3452
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Posted
chive
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Maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place. - Garden State
Posts: 3847 | From: The courts of the King | Registered: Oct 2002
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
Thank you for your support. At the moment I'm concentrating on doing one positive thing a day. Today I went and bought wool to knit a cardigan for my niece. That's enough for one day. I wish there was a big snuggly bed that I could move into and never leave.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Erroneous Monk
Shipmate
# 10858
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Posted
((Chive))
I'm considering going back to bed too. Cried at work today, which I try very hard not to do. IN fact I probably waste a huge amount of energy on trying not to cry. And then fail anyway.
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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.
Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I cry at work almost every day. Especially that kind of stupid crying when you're not entirely sure why you're crying at all and can't explain it to anyone. I call it random eye leakage. Over the years my colleagues have got used to it and now take this piss which is infinitely better than sympathy.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Ferijen
Shipmate
# 4719
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Posted
Checking in to for you all, but particularly Chive and Anselmina.
Posts: 3259 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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