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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Lyda Rose - sorry to hear about your dad, but glad he had a peaceful passing. Prayers ascending for you, your family and for his soul.
May he rest in peace and rise in glory. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
Lyda Rose, I'm sorry for your news, but relieved that it was peaceful. May light perpetual shine upon him.
[ 07. October 2015, 02:19: Message edited by: Rossweisse ]
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Lyda Rose
Went down to see the Dowager yesterday. When I arrived at around 10.30 she was in a right old state; she'd spent all the morning looking for her door keys only to find they were on the work surface about 5 feet from where they should have been, and had then not been able to delete two capital I's from an email she was trying to write.
We got over that, and then she said 'I can't remember how to make the coffee'. She wasn't joking - she couldn't remember that you had to put the grounds in the cafetiere before the hot water.
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
However once she had calmed down she was fine and I took her shopping; she bought two pairs of trousers, a jumper and a long cardigan, and a handbag ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
When I rang her later to say I'd got home in one piece, she passed along the news that my aunt (at 94, 3 years older than the Dowager) had spent 4 hours trying to get out of the bath on Sunday. Even if she'd been able to raise the alarm, no-one could have got in, as the key was in the door ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
How long is this sustainable? Who can tell?
Mrs. S, personal shopper to the stars
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Just popped in to ask if anyone has any recommendations for keysafes - I've posted a question on the Inquire Within thread in Heaven if anyone feels like leaving an answer.
Mrs S - I do sympathize: I had to remind my mother how to make tea a few visits ago and it hasn't got much better. There are good days, which I treasure. But like you, I don't know how long the situation is sustainable. I don't often visit this thread as I find it difficult to read, but I wish everybody on it good luck and inner strength to face the challenges of helping older relatives cope with the problems of old age.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
Ariel, I have posted a reply on the Enquire Within thread.
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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Bob Two-Owls
Shipmate
# 9680
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Posted
I lost my mum last night. I was nearby and gave chest compressions within seconds of her losing consciousness but she never responded. Today I feel utterly wretched.
Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
So sorry to hear that, Bob. May she rest in peace and rise in glory.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
SO sorry Bob Two-Owls. for your mum and for you and all who loved her.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829
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Posted
Oh Bob.
AG
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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869
Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Bob
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Bob
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
I'm very sorry, Bob.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Bob
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Finally , after 104 working days, my mother the Dowager received the insurance payout from the cruise she couldn't go on back in May. It's taken a lot of perseverance and assertiveness from me to get it though; I wonder how long it would have taken if it had just been one 91 y.o. in poor health pressing for a resolution? ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
It makes me so cross when an insurance company specialising in cover for the elderly shows all the signs of ignoring them when it's going to cost the company money! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Oh well, now to write that letter of complaint ...
Mrs. S, loaded for bear
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Get into your battle wagon and roll, Mrs S!
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
My father, going on 96, is obsessed with a woman he was friendly with in the assisted living home where they both lived. While there, he complained incessantly about the level of care (which admittedly was very poor) and we finally moved him into a nursing home, where he is getting much better care and better meals.
However, he goes on and on about this woman, how important she was to him, how much he misses her, how he would do anything to be with her, etc. etc. If truth be told, she barely knows who he is when he calls on the phone.
My sister, at her wit's end with the incessant ranting, finally took him to visit the woman last week. Ever since then, he has been plotting to get himself thrown out of the nursing home -- being super-nasty to the staff, refusing to eat, etc. -- so that he can move back in to the assisted living home in order to be with the woman.
We have tried to explain to him that it's up the woman's family to bring her to visit him, or to have her move in to his present facility if that's what they all want. My sister and I are both getting on ourselves, and we are barely able to get my father in and out of the car to take him places. Furthermore, if he were to move back to the assisted living facility, he would immediately begin complaining again about the level of care. He is at the stage where he needs nursing home level care, and he's getting superior care right now. He's beyond the stage where assisted living would satisfy his needs.
It's getting to the point where we don't even want to visit him anymore, he's become so nasty.
My sister feels that his obsession with this woman is disrespectful to our mother's memory -- she's been dead 10 years now. I'm not sure I agree -- he can do whatever he wants so far as I am concerned so long as it doesn't soil the sheets. Besides, my mother always suspected that he was "playing around", so to speak, and I think she may have been right.
[ 17. October 2015, 15:08: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Couldn't the nursing home facilitate a regulaar visit ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Amanda B Reckondwythe - I don't think it's disrespectful to your mother's memory that your father is interested in someone else, however it sounds like he is on a hiding to nothing as the object of his interest either isn't or is incapable of returning his affection. I could well see him being asked to leave the nursing home and the assisted living facility not wanting him back. Is there anyone who he'd listen to?
Mrs S Glad you got the Dowager a refund. My mother never seems to have had problems when similar things have happened to her, maybe another insurance company next time?
I went to see my mum today. She seems to be coping pretty well at the moment. I think apart from her eyesight, old age is catching up with her, but she is pretty amazing for 87. I'm going over at half term to help her sort through all her paperwork which seems to have got im a bit of a muddle.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
You might wish to consider that your father has advancing dementia. There was a stage when my sister-in-law could still talk coherently, but every now and again, she would believe her long-term boyfriend was living in her room along with a varying number of street kids she and he had rescued. It started as a fixation then became a belief.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
Couldn't the nursing home facilitate a regular visit ?
He asked . . . they won't.
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
The object of his interest either isn't or is incapable of returning his affection. . . . Is there anyone who he'd listen to?
She's the one who started hanging around him in the first place, so I think there's affection there even if she doesn't always remember. And I'm told they had a good visit when my sister took him to see her. We're going to look into counseling for him.
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
You might wish to consider that your father has advancing dementia. There was a stage when my sister-in-law could still talk coherently, but every now and again, she would believe her long-term boyfriend was living in her room along with a varying number of street kids. . . .
This may very well be the case. He's been good mentally up until now. My mother had Lewey body dementia -- she couldn't take care of herself but was fairly lucid except for hallucinations.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
Couldn't the nursing home facilitate a regular visit ?
He asked . . . they won't.
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
The object of his interest either isn't or is incapable of returning his affection. . . . Is there anyone who he'd listen to?
She's the one who started hanging around him in the first place, so I think there's affection there even if she doesn't always remember. And I'm told they had a good visit when my sister took him to see her. We're going to look into counseling for him?
If they enjoy each other's company it seems sad, and care that is not particularly person centred, that neither institution is willing to support continued contact. Do either facility support their residents to access the community ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
Do either facility support their residents to access the community ?
Yes -- they both have regular planned shopping trips, outings, restaurant trips, etc. but my father's facility is unwilling to arrange a one-on-one excursion just for him. Understand that he is not mobile -- he is confined to an electric scooter and can only take one or two steps without it. He is not physically able to participate in the outings. Also he is legally blind although he does have partial vision.
I have no objection to him seeing this woman, but my position is that her family has to bring her to him. I cannot bring him to her.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
FWIW in your position I'd be inclined to argue with the facility that if he can't properly participate in their rountine outings - for which he is effectively still being charged - then they ought to be able to organise themselves to do periodic single excursions for him. Perhaps alternating with the other facility supporting the lady to come to him.
However, I guess they may not shift their view.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
My mum has ended up in hospital after doing one of the few non-intelligent things she has ever done - not using her call button to get help. She had four falls on Friday, brought on by a racing heart rate that made her giddy. Fortunately, my aunt visited a day early and took immediate action to call an ambulance then rang me. I flew up yesterday, to find Mum looking very tired and short of breath - I only saw her last weekend, so the change was very sudden. No recurrence of stroke, fortunately, and Mum is in good spirits.
I've been looking for a job in Mum's city, and I have three applications in at the moment, so prayers for a successful outcome would be great.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Alas, very often the first thing that happens with stress or illness is that they forget to use the button. My M-I-L wet outside to put seed into the feeder, and fell. She entirely forgot the call button she was wearing around her neck, and lay out on the walk (it is at the side of the house and not in view of the street) for several hours until my sister-in-law came home and found her.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I've often thought that the drawback with those buttons is that when they're really needed, there's a fair-to-middling chance that the wearer might not be able to press them.
OTOH, there's the scenario of my dad, who got a wee bit tiddly at my niece's wedding in Edinburgh, and when my brother, my brother-in-law and D. got him settled into his room (we were all staying at the hotel where the reception was) my brother asked him if he would be all right. He assured them that he would be fine: he had his button. They asked him where it was*, and he replied it was on the kitchen table ...
... in Orkney, three hundred miles away. ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
* they knew the answer
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Not the case here! Mum actually thought about pushing the buzzer but decided against it. Grrr.
However, she has asked the hospital to fill out the forms for help showering and dressing, so her good sense is not completely on holiday.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
I am not an aging parent, but I am getting up in years. One thing that stops me from getting a "button" is thinking that when I would most likely need it if I had a mishap in the shower which is when I would not necessarily have it on or nearby. The likelihood that I would be wearing it in bed is also nil because I dislike things moving about on my body as I sleep. I have always removed chains and such things as an automatic thing when I prepare for the night.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
The system my gran had was a pendant + a telepohone with a large button it - she kept the telephone on the bedside table. She wore the pendant when bathing. I imagine it might be possible to get the button as a watch-type affair.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
This seems to be the modern version of what she had, with a watch option.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
It does assume that the wearer will be in earshot of the main alarm unit.
It remnds me that I have promised my friend* that I will always have the phone with me as I go around the house, which is fine when I have a pocket, but today I have been flitting around in pyjamas. Thought required.
*As a result of the way my cousin died. I have two flights of stairs.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
There are motion-sensor systems. Not a spycam, watching Grannie as she gets the milk from the fridge, but simply a system that tells you (or the caretaker) if the fridge has been opened today. If it hasn't been opened in 24 hours (and you know that Grannie has not gone on a cruise to the Canary Islands) then you know something is very wrong.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I've heard of a thing that watches at ankle level, basically to detect whether a human being has crumpled to the floor. Ankles are fine, a whole body triggers an alarm.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
There are also 'smart' medicine bottles. You can log on and see if Gran has taken all her pills today. If she misses them, you can phone and see what's going on.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Uncle Pete:
.. I dislike things moving about on my body as I sleep ...
Completely with you there, Pete - the only piece of jewellery that stays on when I go to bed is my wedding-ring, and the idea of something round my neck when I'm sleeping fills me with horror.
Regarding sensors - my grandmother (who died 25 years ago) spent her final years in a "shelter" flat that had a sensor mat somewhere near the front door, and if it wasn't triggered by a certain time of day the warden would be alerted and would check that she was OK.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Mum had a massive stroke last night. She's resting comfortably in the hospital, but we are not taking any measures to treat her beyond pain relief and sedatives, as it is clear she won't recover from this one. The one directive she has always given loud and clear is that if she had a major stroke, let her go.
My elderly aunties have been towers of strength, even though one of them is in hospital herself. One of them sat with her this afternoon to allow me to catch a couple of hours sleep and have a proper meal. My mother's sister's daughters both arrived from out of town to sit with her. There was lots of talking and Mum was responding to the voices, if not the words.
The nursing staff, what can I say? They've been outstanding with Mum and with me. And that on a night where three patients died, and Mum was one of two who had big strokes.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
That's hard news for you, Arabella and the family. What a blessing you are well supported by other family members and by hospital staff.
Prayers for a peaceful and quick passing.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
APW - so sorry to hear that news. Prayers for you and your family. It's good tht you were already there and that the family and the nurses are being so wonderful.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
APW and family
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
How sad for you APW. And thank you for respecting your mother's wishes.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
APW, just found this, but adding our prayers for your mother, you, your partner and your whole family. Also that your mother's carers treat her with skill, dignity and compassion.
Your mother is right about the "do not revive" at a time like this, and it's neither immoral or sinful - "You shall not kill; but need not strive/ Officiously to keep alive" as Clough puts it.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Holding you and mum and everybody involved in the Light, APW.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
for you, your mum and your family, APW.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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