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Source: (consider it) Thread: Aging Parents
Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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I think, as the mind becomes unmoored, the associations become dreamlike. In one of my last visits to my mother she talked of seeing a neighbour in his car the day he killed himself. In fact, he died of cancer. What was surfacing, I feel, was her guilt about a friend who had committed suicide while depressed (about which my mother could have done nothing).

I agree the best way is to alleviate the present distress even if it means totally making stuff up.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Indeed. I've had conversations with my aged parent that involved me cheerily saying stuff like "Oh, no, no need to worry" or "Really? Wow, I didn't know that!" or "Isn't that lovely!" while being told any amount of creative stories.

It's a fine art balancing listening to this stuff and making the appropriate responses without, at the same time, encouraging a delusion.

I did, however, put my foot down when it came to money for bills, which I knew had not been paid and needed to be paid by her, no matter how inventive a story she might have. Being gentle but persistent, sometimes dropping it and coming back to it later almost always worked, given enough time.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
I think, as the mind becomes unmoored, the associations become dreamlike.

I think my father, just turned 96, is beginning to do that. He went on at length the other day about how the nursing home staff want to rearrange the furniture in his room, including taking his roommate's bed out and bringing in an easy chair. The staff said they had discussed no such thing with him. I'm pretty sure it's a dream he had.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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W Hyatt
Shipmate
# 14250

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My mother is 94 and has severe dementia and memory problems on top of a strong propensity to worry. It has been hard at times, but I've had some success by first asking her for more information about whatever she is stressed about, then saying something sympathetic ("That sounds really distressing" or "You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of thing"), wrapped up with a vague assurance that I'll see who I can talk to and what I can find out.

Now that her memory is so completely gone, she feels like her phone call did what she wanted it to and she won't remember my assurance for even a full minute, so I don't really feel obliged to do much unless it sounds like a real problem that I can do something about. Back when her memory was better, I had to follow through at least somewhat, but putting her off for a short time was still better than trying to reason with her or dissuade her. Since she's an extremely social person, I could often just promise to visit soon (which I would actually follow through on). It also seems to have helped tremendously when her doctor recently put her on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication.

My wife had a similar in experience with her father in that she thought his distress level gradually increased in the early stages of his dementia, but later disappeared when it progressed so far that he no longer remembered enough to worry about anything.

Meanwhile, I've given my children permission to lie to me as much as they need to to keep me from causing them problems if I ever get dementia. [Cool]

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A new church and a new earth, with Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life.

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Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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When I worked in an old people's home Reality Orientation was all the rage [?1980s?]; it was horrible to be constantly reminding people that their mum had died 20 or 30 years ago or whatever but then along came Diversional Therapy which was so much kinder - an old lady called Margaret, very much an elderly spinster of the Parish, used to wander up to sit with me in the office some evenings and have a little chat which usually made no sense at all but sometimes she would say that she had to go home to cook her mum's tea [Margaret being late 80s] then, instead of distressing her again about her mum being long dead, I would ask her to tell me about her mum and would get a feast of wonderful stories, which may have had little basis in fact, but Margaret would then toddle back to the little group where she lived quite happy.

Sometimes, not always, picking a key word out of what is being said and asking for reminiscence is a great tool.

--------------------
I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
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What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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daisydaisy
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# 12167

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I'm noticing that time stops being linear, where I become my aunt's mother, her own younger self, and then back to being her niece by which time she is back to her old self. I wonder if this isn't helped by the time she has to daydream when the days sometimes are in distinct from each other, although the carers are very good at providing a variety of things over the week and make a point of identifying the day of the week. I guess it might help if we (her visitors) were able to be more structured in our visiting day ("it's daisydaisy so it must be Tuesday"') but we all live over 2 hours drive away so it's not easy.
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Sarasa
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# 12271

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I'm torn between admiration and exasperation where my mother is concerned.
She's just booked to go on a holiday on her own. It's a guided tour to various sites which includes, according to the brochure, some walking. My mum is 88, has very limited vision and can get a bit muddled sometimes. If she was going with a friend I don't think I'd worry, but she is going to have to depend on the kindness of the other members of the group and the tour guide to be able to cope. Which brings me to my other worry, she's only booked it because she hopes the man who was the guide on a tour three years ago with be taking it. She fell totally in love with him and since then you can't talk to her for more than five minutes without his name being mentioned.
I feel like the mother of a teenager, she's going to be disappointed if she doesn't meet him and probably even more if she does.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Arabella Purity Winterbottom

Trumpeting hope
# 3434

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quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Sometimes, not always, picking a key word out of what is being said and asking for reminiscence is a great tool.

We have this with my mother-in-law, who is immobile. She often tells us she went for a lovely walk, or to a meeting. Rather than tell her she couldn't possibly have done so, we get her to tell us about the garden or the meeting. She thinks she got some exercise, which is fabulous.

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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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The Dowager fell on Wednesday night on her way to bed - to get to her bathroom she has to go down two steps, across, and up two steps. She lost her footing, grabbed the newel post (so at least she didn't fall down the stairs) but bruised her right hand and hit her left ankle causing blood to flow.

So far so bad; but now, while lamenting the lack of human contact, she told me that one friend had come 'and plonked herself down for the afternoon; deadly boring' [Roll Eyes] ; and that she had cancelled her attendance at a party over a week away, because she didn't want to be fretting over what to wear [Ultra confused] .

That's another issue; she has banged on for years that she can't wear a skirt or dress because her legs are such a mess, but now she couldn't possibly go to the party without a new dress. This from a woman with at least four wardrobes full of clothes [Eek!] quite a few of which she has forgotten she has.

Sorry about this, but I need to vent; I think in fact that was exactly what she was doing!

Lord grant me patience [Help]

Mrs. S, rolling her eyes [Roll Eyes]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Albertus
Shipmate
# 13356

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quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
... an old lady called Margaret, very much an elderly spinster of the Parish, used to wander up to sit with me in the office some evenings ... sometimes she would say that she had to go home to cook her mum's tea [Margaret being late 80s] then, instead of distressing her again about her mum being long dead, I would ask her to tell me about her mum ...

Tangent: a friend of mine comes from a long-lived family. He tells a story of a cousin of his, in his 80s, being knocked down in the street some years ago and on being taken to hospital, asking the nurses to let his mother know where he was. Yes, yes, of course we will, they said- not realising that there was indeed a 100+ year old lady sitting at home wondering where her son had got to.
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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One side of my family is particularly long-lived: I have vivid childhood memories of hearing two relatives as a funeral of a third saying "she was no age" and thinking "Wow - 89 is young?"

At the moment we have only 2 over 100+ but there are a whole bunch in their late 80s/early 90s - and no one with Alzheimers.

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Sarasa
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# 12271

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Mrs S. I hope the Dowager is feeling more chipper soon. My mum, who has been staying a few days because she has a nasty virus is going home today. Not really better, but she has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I think she'll be OK in her own home overnight.
I've found the last few days very wearing and I think she has too. It would have been better if I could have stayed with her, but she doesn't have a spare bed. I hope I've convinced her that she needs to sort out her second bedroom and get a bed in it.
I'm hoping it's just because she's ill but she is much more confused than usual and it is very diffiicult to get her to understand things. I've had so many tedious conversations about various things, the fact that her bathroom is so cold it made her ill (it isn't it's usually at about 23 degrees, it's just that the rest of her flat is always about 30), the fact that the doctor can't magically cure a virus and many more.
One thing that has always puzzled me is she tells me things I'm supposed to have done that I have no memory of. Yesterday she told me about the time someone mistook my son for my boyfriend. I knew that never happened but there were several other stories over the years I've told her that she has obviously conflated in her mind to come up with that one.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Sarasa, the best of luck persuading your mum to sort out that second bedroom. Can we take it that you have probably already offered to do it for her and been refused?

Speaking of spare beds, for two and a half years I lodged with friends a couple of days a week when teaching far from home. I did have a bed, and a lovely deep windowsill which held a lamp, a drink and my book. The rest of the room was piled high with unsorted junk, but my corner was just fine. Would your mum's second bedroom admit of such a minimalist solution?

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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The Intrepid Mrs S
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# 17002

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I'm posting this here in the hope of giving some of you a laugh.

While Mr S and I are away, Master S and Miss S are supposed to call the Dowager so she knows someone is still aware of her existence. Last time this happened Master S was at home alone (his fiancee working away) so he was watching some appalling old Korean gangster movie (having appalling taste in some things [Ultra confused] ).

One character turned to another and said 'And when was the last time you called your grandmother?' Master S shot up in the air 'Drat!' or words to that effect also ending in 't'; 'I was supposed to phone Grandma!' [Eek!]

It made the Dowager laugh, anyway, which is a Good Thing at the moment.

Sarasa - my mother does that exact thing to me sometimes, normally associating evil intent to it 'as YOU wouldn't let me have a party' when it was her decision all along!

Mrs. S, hoping Miss S never has this to cope with [Votive]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Mrs S - I clearly remember my mother says, while she was running round after her parent's in law, 'When I get like that, put me in a home'. Well she is 'like that' now, but the thought of a home would horrify her. I have a feeling I'll probably be the same.
Jacobson - Mum's spare room is full of furniture. To get a bed in it,would mean getting rid of the computer, at the very least. Though mum can no longer see to use it she hasn't wanted to get rid of it up till now as it is a symbol of her ability to do things for herself. She keeps threatening to spend £11,000 on a computer system she saw for people with limited eyesight. Maybe worth it if she'd used her computer a lot, but she didn't, and when I took her to talk to an expert in such things in her local computer shop she didn't seem to be able to understand the solutions that he was offering her.
Having said that she's agreed that a bed would be a good idea, but that is going to mean us finding time to go and sort it out for her, which won't be for a couple of weeks at the very least.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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Well, Mum should have been heading home from Adelaide tomorrow but her beau has cancelled the flight.
She's in a rehab unit recovering from an op on her hip which she broke on Good Friday.
Her treatment has been excellent and their extremely expensive insurance has come up trumps. Only fly in the ointment is her local surgery that hasn't been responding promptly or fully to the insurance company's questions. Give us strength!
Thankfully her beau's daughters have come up trumps and they will be staying with one of them once she's discharged until she's fit to fly. That long flight in her condition is giving me some concern though.

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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It sounds that your mum has had the best possible outcome to her accident. if you are going to have one, it is good to be have doctors, family and insurance company looking out for you. Have they given her any indication of when she might be able to travel?

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
It sounds that your mum has had the best possible outcome to her accident. if you are going to have one, it is good to be have doctors, family and insurance company looking out for you. Have they given her any indication of when she might be able to travel?

Absolutely. She will leave the rehab unit on Friday and stay with family. The insurance company will book their flights home, probably in a couple of weeks if she's up to it.
Edited as I find I'm repeating myself. Being an aged parent...

[ 13. April 2016, 18:53: Message edited by: Tree Bee ]

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

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Tree Bee

Ship's tiller girl
# 4033

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Mum has been discharged from the rehab unit and has been so impressed by the health care she has received and is still receiving.
Big news today is that she and her beau have got engaged, so I'll now have to call him her fiancé.

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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by Tree Bee:
Big news today is that she and her beau have got engaged, so I'll now have to call him her fiancé.

Congratulations to your Mum. From what you've said here, he sounds like a good man, with a caring family.
[Axe murder]

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Congratulations to your mum and her fiancé.

I hope the physical healing continues well for her too.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Congratulations TB's mum and fiancé! [Smile]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Congratulations to TB's mum and her Beau.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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I had a v. long phone conversation with my sister yesterday, and naturally enough the subject of our 91-year-old father came up. We both agreed that we're finding phone conversations with him an increasingly arduous task: his speech is very faint at best and he's beginning to confuse dates and generations and mistake us for each other.

When she and her family were up visiting him at Easter she said he seemed in reasonably good form (it included him meeting his 8-month-old great-grandson for the first time), but when I mentioned to him that they'd all been up, he didn't seem to remember.

It seems to me that the sheer boredom of living in an old people's home vastly speeds up one's deterioration: there just isn't enough human contact and conversation* to keep the "little grey cells" from atrophying. He has a television and DVD player in his room, but doesn't seem to bother with it, although he used to be an avid watcher of old videos (notably Inspector Morse and Sergeant Bilko).

* not the fault of the staff - I'm sure they do what they can.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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It seems to be harder for men. They don't go out and engage (i.e. chat) like women do. My parents have been in assisted living for about a year now. My father refuses to talk to the other residents and to make friends. My mother has become BFFs with everybody, knows all their life histories, the grandchildren, the health status, everything.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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When dad finally went into care because my mother was physicall unable to care for him, he had no idea he was not at home. He told me mum gad walked to shops, or was having hair done etc but would be back soon.

One of the saddest sights which made me cry outside later was to see him in the large activities room. The residents wer in a circle and each had a percussion instrument such as preschoolers love

Dad was bewildered by the triangle he had been given to bang in time to music being played. When I thought of his accomplishments over many years and all that he could do, I cried.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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I'm no expert in the care of the elderly, but I can't help thinking that treating them as you might treat toddlers is fundamentally wrong, demeaning and disrespectful.

When Dad still lived at home, but was attending a day-centre once a week, he told me that one day they had brought in a therapy puppy, and he had great difficulty persuading them that he really wasn't a "dog person" and didn't want to pet or hold it. While I can absolutely see the usefulness of therapy dogs, they can only ever work if the patient wants them to.

By all means, try and provide some sort of recreation or entertainment, but something appropriate.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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Wise words, Piglet!

Elsie was an elderly Quaker lady and hated singsong type stuff but she and I could sit quietly together and she really relaxed into it.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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When I get older I want a therapy cat. [Razz]

The place my Dad was in wasn't the poshest, but he was well cared for and kept busy with growing tomatoes, baking piklets, trips out and woodwork amongst other things. One of his favourite activities was a trip to the local pub where he met someone else who had sailed the coastal waters about the same time he did. I almost had to book an appointment to ring him.

It's the anniversary of his death today [Tear]

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Be gentle to yourself, Huia, on this anniversary. It surprises me how hard these dates can hit. It was Mum's birthday a couple of days ago, and the anniversay of her death a about three weeks before that. Too close.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Arabella Purity Winterbottom

Trumpeting hope
# 3434

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[Votive] Huia

That sounds like a great rest home your dad was in. Ma-in-law's does some good things, but I haven't seen anything about cooking or gardening. She enjoys doing the crossword still, which they do in a group each morning.

The biggest event recently was Rosie and her sister giving an impromptu concert - it started out just being m-I-l and rapidly expanded as it went until about 60 residents were enjoying a wide variety of classical and folk music. Several residents sang along with every piece - although Rosie wasn't sure they were singing quite the same piece she was sometimes!

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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal

Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Dad used to tell me about the Sunday afternoon church service at the place where he is - people from the various local churches (including choir, musicians or the Sally Army band) take turns. He used to enjoy it - apart from anything else, he knew many of the people involved, even if they weren't from his own church, and some of them would come over and say hello afterwards.

As it happened, the last time we were home, it was the Cathedral's turn, so as we were going to visit anyway, D. played and I sang with the choir.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Hope everyone's aging parents are doing well.
My mother has recovered physically fromt he nasty virus she had at Easter, but seems to be a bit more confused than she was before the illness. Not so much so that I'm worried about her living alone, but enough that I wished she'd get some more help. It's all begining to stress me out, specially as my brother doesn't seem to be phoning her up let alone visiting at present, but is very upbeat about how she's getting on when I talk to him.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
ThunderBunk

Stone cold idiot
# 15579

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quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
Hope everyone's aging parents are doing well.
My mother has recovered physically fromt he nasty virus she had at Easter, but seems to be a bit more confused than she was before the illness. Not so much so that I'm worried about her living alone, but enough that I wished she'd get some more help. It's all begining to stress me out, specially as my brother doesn't seem to be phoning her up let alone visiting at present, but is very upbeat about how she's getting on when I talk to him.

If I were said brother, I'd be sounding like that because I was feeling guilty and scared. Actually, the other way round: scared by the way my mother was deteriorating and guilty because this fear was making me unable to speak its name, to deal with my mother and/or to talk to my sister about something which needs to be talked about as soon as possible.

Could be complete nonsense, but it does occur to meas a possibility.

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Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".

Foolish, potentially deranged witterings

Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged
Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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When my mother was in the final stages of Parkinsons and dementia my sister was totally responsible for her care. I was 1800 miles away and dealing with a messy divorce. I had no money to travel, and getting away from the job I had then was difficult -- I visited when I could, but not as much as I would have liked, and I did call regularly. I felt guilty, and my sister obviously resented having all the responsibility. Being the primary caregiver is hell, but being the "bad sibling" has its own burdens. My heart goes out to all those involved in these situations.

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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf

Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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The person(s) responsible may have rather different and odd experiences. My wife and I supported her parents when mother in law had cancer, in the midst of chemo, father in law had a stroke. He died after additional complications after a hospital stay. I slept beside my mother in law's bed for 7 months and got her breakfast and to cancer centre, my wife came at noon and after work until bedtime. We guiltily hoped for her passing.

Palliative care in hosp for her last 5 weeks was blessed relief. We have Home Care but it was about $200/week a. And the carers are rotated every 4 days so often not oriented.

The non-present siblings figured out what not to say and do after we simply wept at a family meeting. Support comes with visiting if the visitors clean house, shop and allow responsible siblings days off in a row. Without any suggestion for sibs they're spelling off during visits to do anything at all.

We had a different experience with my mother who broke her hip and had a stroke a month later. She and my father immigrated to Mexico from Canada, retiring to a middle of nowhere village. About 20 hours of travel to reach, 3 planes and a 2 hour drive. This was 18 months after wife's mother died. I went down for about 4 months and then again for another 5 weeks. (My best friend also died in the midst of this. I really hate doing eulogies. And death. A lot. ) One sister helped. I then sold his house and effects and repatriated him to Canada, where he lives with assisted living (one meal per day, basic cleaning, some social activities). Now my scattered siblings are descending on us in just about a month. We will have to tell them what they are going to be doing.

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

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Having been the sibling-at-a-distance.....i absolutely agree with all the above.

For about six months, I had no idea what on earth was going on half the time. And because matters changed daily, there was only ever time during our phone calls for the major updates.

Mercifully i am blessed with a sister who writes reports for a living + is fairly straight talking. Had we been A Polite Family....we would have all fallen out within two weeks.

"What would you like us to do?" only ever had to be said twice; usually there was a list! Sometimes even texted a few days in advance of us visiting....

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Thanks for your replies, I'm really aware that families can fall out over the care of elderly relatives, and I don't want that to happen to my brother and I. At the moment neither my brother or I are doing a great deal for our mother. I speak to her on the phone a couple of times a week and go and see her every fortnight. My brother is far more patchy is his dealings. Just spoken to my mother tonight and she's finally managed to talk to him for the first time in a month, but he has asked her over to stay which I know she'll enjoy.
One of the background things which I think might be leading to his hands off approach was that he very much wanted her to go and live nearer him in a retirement village. She wasn't keen and I thought it was a bad idea as it would take her away from her friends, and places she knows so it never happened.
It's all very tricky as I feel mum is on the cusp of needing more care, at present she is just about OK, but I'm aware at how quickly she seems to be getting old.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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There probably something like what is called CPAS (client - patient access services) for you? I think it is deliberately called something vague to not offend people and feel they are being assessed to "be put into a home".

How it works here is someone, anyone, refers. Often the physician will do it on behalf of over-burdened and suffering family members. They try to keep people at home with support services workers coming in, and make referral to long term care if needed (it is subsidized user-pay here). It's often done after a fall or other hosp stay, but need not be that late. -- We've not used them given how our 3 of 4 parents lived and died. But I expect that when my father's time of not being able to manage comes, we will. It spreads the burden of emotional reactions and provides family support from people I've discussed it with.

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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I'm the sibling-at-a-distance, and also the youngest by quite a way (and have always been regarded as the baby of the family by my brother and sister). They have joint Power of Attorney for Dad, and although they both live in the same place (they're in Edinburgh, Dad's in Orkney), my sister feels that my brother doesn't always tell her things (like changes in medication or that Dad had seen an optician about cataracts).

The people at the home seem to regard my brother as the "first contact", despite the fact that my sister goes up to visit several times as often as he does, and she finds it very frustrating.

I'm fortunate that they're completely understanding about our inability to visit more than occasionally, although it doesn't stop me feeling a little bit guilty. Also, speaking to Dad on the phone has become very difficult: he sort of drifts off in mid-conversation and his speech is a bit buggered due to a TIA a few years ago, so I find him very hard to understand.

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

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Ah yes. The emotional Feelings Dragons ; they who must be chased back into a cave every now and then.

But i have generally found Guilt to be spectacularly ineffective...which means that we Are allowed to chase that particular dragon just as much as we want!

Elderly Alba Parent (EAP )was quite determined to remain within own home. Only medical matters galloped along and rushed everyone into a flutter. Even the crack SAS type, home-care squad were left shell shocked at the veering changes over a few days. EAP was unable to either move or talk with any coherence at all. Shocking. Especially as it apparently was not a stroke. The local authority in our case is spectacularly brilliant at keeping folk in their own home, but even they were stumped. EAP was dispatched to a residential assement unit and a full diagnosis was urgently sought.
Diagnosis complete, EAP went off to a sweet, glorious, helpful retirement home just up the valley from her old home; there to regain powers of speech and some clarity of thought.

Within three months it became apparent that EAP would struggle to remain at home...even with live in carers.
But the option was still put to her.

"I don't want to have to think about what i need to do next. Here, everyone looks after me. I like it. I think someone else should live in my house"


Point of this everso long ramble (and thank you for humouring me...).....We thought we knew how this phase was going to go.
We didn't.

Life .....sometimes changes...... everything.

I do so wish someone had gently told us that last year.....

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Welease Woderwick

Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424

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The problem with that, EA, is that you wouldn't have believed them - seriously.

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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details

What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?

Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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The Dowager - who has been getting increasingly anxious and difficult to reassure - rushed out of her house at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning, before breakfast and wearing sandals in which she had already tripped over at least once. She 'needed' to know how long one set of neighbours were going away for and where they were going.

Of course she fell over, broke a wrist, hit her face, may have damaged the other hand 'but I don't want to go to hospital' [Mad]

We were on our way to see Miss S, SiL and Baby Grumpkin but had to spend Saturday afternoon driving off to see her, get stuff for her to take to community hospital, etc etc. [Mad]

She's dreadfully confused, poor soul, but I think we may have convinced her that she needs to give up driving now. The car is due an MOT, the insurance is coming due, and after at least a six-week lay off she will never be competent to drive even the short distances she currently does.

We may also have convinced her that she needs medical help for what I think is Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which basically means as soon as you mend one anxiety the next rises up the worry list. This last fortnight it's been the boiler on the central heating (which actually did need fixing) the washing machine not filling with water (it was fine) the answering machine which was broken (she'd somehow pressed the button to turn it off) the toilet not filling with water (it's just fine) I could go on and on, and she did.

Poor Dowager - I wonder what the future holds for her?

Mrs. S, warning The Former Miss S to beware

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Mrs S - as the nuns used to say to us if we did something arduous and praiseworthy, "It's another jewel in your (celestial) crown."

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804

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WW...indeed we would not [Frown]

But the us....the grown up kids.....just never considered it.

hey ho...she's happy now!

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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This sounds like my m-i-l. Her obsessive worry was dryer lint -- it might catch fire in the duct and burn the house down. In fact she distrusted all household appliances, and would not run the dishwasher, etc. unless she was at home to watch them. She too did the going-outside-and-falling thing. My s-i-l had acquired one of those emergency buttons for her, that you wear around your neck. If you fall and no one is there you can buzz for help. But she forgot to press the button. Instead she lay by the bird feeder in the yard for a couple hours until my s-i-l came home and found her.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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Interesting about the EAP, Ethne Alba. I think my mother would really enjoy being in the right sort of more sheltered environment. She loves chatting to people and even though she sees her neighbours every day, I always feel she'd much rather be living with someone whom she could talk to all the time.
I've not heared of General Anxiety sydrome, but my mother does get in a flap about minor things much more easily than she did. At the moment she is very cross with her bank. She'd used a contactless card more than usualy so they wanted to check it was her using it. She didn't trust the phone calls and the banks wasn't that helpful at first when she went in. It was all fairly minor and it's been sorted now, but she spent a long time telling me all about it on the phone on Sunday, to the exclusion of anything else.
Hope you get your mum sorted Mrs S. Will giving up the car mean she'll have to move house too?

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged
The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002

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Sarasa - the plot thickens. Apparently (and no two people give me the same answer on this, Dowager included) she has broken the middle finger of her right hand also, AND some of the metacarpals for the fourth finger. Hence two hands bound up [Ultra confused]

Also she may have a hairline fracture of her left patella and two loose front teeth [Eek!]

However the upshot of all that is that she ain't going nowhere, specially not home, and I am better at driving (or getting Mr S to drive) up and down to visit than I am at being a geriatric nurse!

So, my guess is - and it is only a guess - that she will have to stop driving (if only because I have cancelled her insurance [Eek!] ) and move out of her quiet corner of the middle of f***ing nowhere into somewhere with a) more support and b) more company.

Additional embarrassing note: one of my mother's friends (95) was phoned last night by my aunt (almost 95) whose hearing aid battery had run out. Said friend drove round, fitted new hearing aid battery, left additional supplies. Said aunt, despite having been taken to visit her sister my mother in hospital, said nary a word to saintly friend about the Dowager's whereabouts! Probably didn't even say thank you, in fact. [Hot and Hormonal]

Mrs. S, looking forward to another round of hospital visiting [Projectile]

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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'

Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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Have you also inadvertently lost the offending sandals and all other dangerous footwear?

My grandmother couldn't bear throwing her flashy 3" and upwards heels away, and as the only other person with size 4 feet, I became the not so grateful recipient of impractical footwear various. Some of which is still taking up wardrobe space.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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[tangent]
quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
... Some of which is still taking up wardrobe space.

Take it to General Booth's Boutique. Now!!! [Big Grin]


Piglet, who has done an inordinate amount of declutterment lately
[/tangent]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged



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